Recap of the SUR Witch Trials part 2 & 3

So after the one-woman Salem SUR witch trial they put Kristen Doute on during the first part of the reunion we now move on to someone who just has witch nails- Lala Kent. Andy Cohen asks Oh NaNa about when James Kennedy aka DJ Dickhole came in to work with his "sex marks" clearly visible in his child-sized tank top from the Adam Levine clothing collection from Kmart. I don't think they were sex scratches as much as the real demon inside of him was trying to make an escape because it couldn't put up with listening to his shitty Macbook iTunes playlist "DJ" set one more time. He said they were "battle wounds." It's not like you're a war hero, although if it were World War 2 you definitely would have fought for the Nazis. The real hero is any woman who could stand having sex with you & not kill herself immediately after.

LaLa says she wasn't angry because she was jealous, "it was that he was deliberately trying to embarrass me & disrespect me which is where I draw the line." A line she clearly didn't draw for her makeup artist. Satan's Scrotum sits there laughing saying "Oh yeah I mean mate ya know I mean I definitely wanted her to find out ya know what I mean & put it in her face." You know what I wish someone would put in his face? A rag of chloroform.

Andy says how much Jax Taylor & James are alike; umm they're not a like at all. They work at SUR & that's their ONLY similarity. I can't even say they are both men - because DJ Dickhole isn't, he's Rose Mary's baby - if Rose Mary was in love with her son & had a face filled of botox which she paid for by stealing Kristen’s credit card (100% true story).

Thankfully, we have Southern Angel come out & her halo brightens up the left side of the room & pushes away the rain clouds coming from the comedy bartending duo.

Andy makes 17 of the same puns of how many girls Jax has been with (clearly he used Ariana Madix as his ghost writer because they were HILARIOUS). You can see the way Jax looks at her he's absolutely in love with her & who wouldn't be. She's like if you mixed a Pageant/homecoming queen with a homemade apple pie that has perfect boobs. Lisa says how much she adores her, which the only reason she's saying that now is because she realizes how much everyone else loves her & how Brittany said that the only person she knew from the Housewives is Lisa, which you know she must have loved beating out Bethenny Frankel & Nene Leakes. It's funny how you didn't adore her enough to give her a job at the beginning of the season - which we never brought up. Not like I would want that angel working anywhere near James Kennedy or as the Mexican cooks in the restaurant call him "El Diablo."

They talk about the Toms' business pitch to Lisa & Pandy to be a part of the Vanderpump Sangria empire but their business pitch was that they decided they just wanted to be work as pro bono promotional models? Happy Tom Schwartz decided to back out & Lisa says how she was disappointed that he quit because its another example that he can't commit to things, well he committed to Katie so I think that's more valuable than being committed to hawking sangria at a sample table at Costco, or was it going to be more of Tom 1 & Tom 2 standing outside stores like Girl Scouts?

Also, how can you quit a job you never had? Did Hair Straightener ever start this non-paying volunteer work? Happy Tom was smart enough to get out once he realized that Tom Sandoval had fucked up the business pitch because he thought he was Jordan Belfort. Hair Straightener says, "I’m good they just needed to tell me what to do in the company I can't tell you where I should be! You know me & what I can do & where I should be." I think you're exactly where you need to be - behind a bar just serving the sangria, that’s as involved as you should be.

Andy asks the group why they have a problem with Ariana & Klassy Katie says she felt like Ariwah-wah was "a debbie downer." YES! Katie is the Bernie Sanders of the reunion, she speaks for what the 98% of viewers have been saying!

Debbie Downer - "Well when every time you show up somewhere its something else thrown in your face when you were just trying to make a funny comment that somehow got twisted & held over my head & used as ammunition against me its hard to want to come around."

Andy asks her if she can see where it might come off that she feels she's too good for everyone & on a different plane? "Well until I tell you that I'm too good for you & I'm on a different plane then that’s your assumption." Yeah, I wonder where anyone would get the idea you think you're the funnier, smarter & prettier then everyone around you...

Also, what "funny comments" did you make this season that were twisted around & held over your head? All these hilarious hijinks must have happened during the 3 minutes it takes to change your mic pack because the rest of time you were on camera every day for 4 months and we never saw one time.. All these hilarious comments must have been on the same lost footage reel as the pretend guys Kristen had on the side that she was cheating with that we ALSO didn't see but that she was constantly accused of at the reunion for no reason.

Instead of taking any responsibility (shocker) in acting like she's the president of MENSA she blames it on everyone else "This is the most toxic environment I’ve ever been in my life how do you not see that? It's toxic as fuck!" James nods his head enthusiastically, if anyone knows about toxic it's James Kennedy, compared to him anthrax is baby powder.

Kristen’s therapy comes up again because we attacking her the whole hour last week wasn't enough so lets really go after the therapy again. What a great thing to have everyone way in on Andy, THEIR thoughts about Kristen’s therapy. SO lets go around the room & have everyone give their evaluation on how well THEY think Kristen is doing at therapy, because that's really something that everyone should give a score on - because someone’s personal therapy to better themselves should be judged the same way you would a gymnastics competition.

They bring up the text feud between Scheana ,Ariana & Ariana's mom & Lala jumps in "if someone had done that with my mamma I would have put them in the hospital." When asked why she was getting involved she says "because I have a mom! And that person gave birth to her," great so everyone who had someone give birth to them should be able to weigh in on this. Jax, Peter, Camera Guy #3 if you have a mother start screaming at Scheana Shay!

We move on to LaLa being topless (of course NO mention of Faith's boobs), Andy brings up how we've seen so many boobs on Vanderpump Rules so why was she so offended. Katie says, "I’m not offended by boobs, I’m offended by her behavior."

Oh Nana screams "I’m offended by your behavior! You didn't like me from the beginning you had it out for me!” – Yes, because when you think of sharks in the water who are really out to get people you think of Mrs. Bubba.

"You now had a reason not to like LaLa." (Ps I love it when LaLa refers to herself in the 3rd person)

Katie- "I was indifferent to you for a long time."

Lala- "Indifference is worse than hate honey I would have rather you sit there & say "you're a stupid hoe ass bitch."

Well Lala, if it makes you feel better, plenty of people are saying that about you! Lisa of course is on Lala & DJ Dickholes side & says how them making a big deal about her being topless was ridiculous.

Lisa says, "Growing up in Europe I didn't see anyone wear a top for 20 years!" Yeah that’s because they were too busy hunting saber tooth tigers for food to make tops.

We go into the crime of the century & the plot of next season of American Crime Story: The People VS Jax Taylor. Lisa says how she was so hurt by it & even considered firing him. Why does him stealing sunglasses have anything to do with Lisa? It's none of her business. Literally - it has nothing to do with Lisa or her business.

Thankfully, our queen comes out & the first thing she says is "James I hope you watched the way that you talk to women is so despicable & there’s no excuse for it."

They roll the clips of him in Kristen’s apartment of him being verbally abusive to her & spitting at her door, but they seem to have forgotten the other 50 scenes they could have put in (can you imagine how many WERE'NT shown on the show because PUMP & SUR didn't want the words "domestic violence" in their yelp reviews? Because let’s remember who the executive producers are.)

ANDY: Do you think you talk down to women specifically? (He asks this question more innocently than most others, he had more fire about Scheana saying bitchy barbie).

Satan’s Scrotum- NO! (As he looks down & off to the side of the fake flame candle) I honestly don't, what happens is I've got a temper & fucking get aggravated sometimes I understand what I say is wrong & I'm trying to become a gentleman that’s what I want to be."

James saying he wants to be a gentleman is a joke. You're not gentle (except for your micro dick) & you're also not a man. So that’s an unattainable goal-just like all the things you think you're going to do in the music industry.

Andy-You spit on Kristen’s door ,you said she's ugly, she smells-

As Andy lists these off Antichrist bursts out laughing & says, "well I thought THOSE was kind of funny."

Ya know what’s funny is how Lisa & Andy both are so keen to jump in on the Scheana text & Katie/Lala boob feud, but when it comes to being abusive to women they don't really care. Lisa you may not like a girl who worked for you TWO years ago but as a fellow woman you should say that this behavior is disgusting. How would she feel if he had said that to Pandora? She attacked Kristen this whole reunion for doing nothing, literally Kristen’s interaction with her this season was for 2 minutes at Scheana’s birthday party saying hello & then at Katie’s engagement party. But James has been verbally & physically abusive to a woman on screen, been drunk at your business & attacked other employees and yet all James gets is a slap on his pasty emaciated bird wrists.

Thankfully, Stassi is the ONLY person who says anything, as he's laughing about the abuse, "You say you want to turn into a gentleman but you're not acknowledging that the way you talk to women is wrong.”

Antichrist- Not all women! Just some!

Oh well than THAT makes it ok. I'm only going to abuse SOME women - ya know. Just the ones that deserve it.

You are not the white Kanye West. You are the white Chris Brown (minus the talent & dick size)

Queen Stassi Schroeder & Mother of Swans Lisa Vanderpump fight about the sex tape. Stassi says how Lisa had told her & her parents that they owed her $900 & Lisa says that she didn't really want the money, that she wanted them to donate it to charity, so I guess we know the name of her new restaurant.

Stassi had already thanked you for what you did but she had also said she didn't want to give the monster a dime because he was blackmailing her, why would you pay someone without getting anything in return like a signed contract saying that he couldn't distribute it? So now James #2 has $900 and he still has the tape to do whatever he wants with it at any time & Lisa still doesn't see why Stassi has the right to be upset about that. Vanderpump’s negotiating skills with the sex tape are even worse than the movie Sex Tape.

We go on to albino Skeletor telling the world that Lala was "tossing a guys salad" at Mute Max dentist appointment in front of Lisa. It doesn't surprise me that she's into licking asshole; I mean we have already seen her kiss one on camera.

When asked why he brought it up he says "its because we were all speaking about relationships mate.” LIE. Max doesn't speak about anything. He brings up how she had said personal things about him in the bedroom - cut to a scene where she's saying her drawer is filled with magnums & that James wouldn't be able to fit into them" – LIE. He could definitely fit his entire body into a magnum condom.

Lisa then whispers to Andy, "I don't lick Ken’s ass, am I missing something?" As if Andy wasn't gay before, that visual guaranteed it.

We move on to Antichrist being fired the first time (at the reunion taping he has been fired from playing his macbook AGAIN for being drunk on his make believe job), because of the scene he made at Pump which of course they blame Kween Kristen for, it's who we have blamed everything on for the last 3 hours why stop now. Instead of blaming the "man" who was drunk at his place of work even BEFORE she got there, yes lets blame the girl because to quote Lisa "she provoked him,” you know just how when girls dress a certain way "they were asking for it." There is nothing anyone can do that excuses his behavior. Reactions are a choice, I see plenty of people I don't like everyday, trust me if you're not my cat its pretty much guaranteed that I don't like you but I don't start screaming at my place of work, make a scene & attack a fellow employee.

Hair Straightener his number one/only fan blames his story line (also known as Kristen) "We all know he's delicate! Why do you do this to him!"

You know who is supposed to be delicate? Women. But we have not only allowed one to be physically attacked, we have now blamed for her for being the reason it happened. As well as had multiple people attack her at the same time for the pat 3 hours at this reunion but sure THAT's completely fine.

The only thing delicate about James is his baby carrot dick. He calls himself the white Kanye West, attacks women verbally & physically as well as other people he works with. Yes, that does sound like someone who is delicate if by delicate you meant dangerous. Kristen wasn't anywhere near him in the giant restaurant that looks like a Michael’s craft store exploded with how many rhinestones & olive branches & tea lights there are everywhere. And isn't that what he has his headphones for, & if you were so focused on your "job" of making such hypnotic amazing beats how would you notice a girl in a different part of the restaurant that holds 350 people? Especially with that crossed eye I would think the only way you could see her is if she was directly in front of your bird skeleton face.

James is the Donald Trump of SUR. His hair is ridiculous, the words he says are hate-filled, misogynistic & he thinks everyone cares what he has to say.

He also attacked Richardson the waiter at PUMP saying "You're nothing, I'm more talented then you, I'm James Kennedy.” When asked what he thought about that he says "watching that back I was embarrassed." Yet when he says it he's smiling & laughing, you know like how you do when you're remorseful & ashamed about your behavior. Can you imagine if Kristen or Stassi had said their apology like that? Both of their apologies were heartfelt & sincere & were still vilified for not being "genuine" by Lisa, but when he does this "apology" Lisa beams with pride as if its Giggy leading around one of the miniature ponies with a lead rope made of roses.

We now get into the sketch comedy debate, which makes me so angry I want to reach through the screen & strangle Ariana with her fake braid from the Jessica Simpson hair extension line. Andy asks why hearing that Kristen did sketch comedy upset her so much & Ariana Schumer replies, "I don't buy a camera & call myself a photographer," no instead you just paid for a sketch class & than decide that you're now Lourne Michaels.

Kristen points out that is has NOTHING to do with her & asks her why she cares so much about her comedy show & tearing it down.

"I asked a question and no one seemed to have an answer about what classes you were taking!" Well Ariana, you're not a comedy school guidance counselor, you're a fucking bartender. And based on your terrible diary "comedy" performance - classes are bullshit & you need to go and get your money back because they ripped you off. Also, no matter how hard I look I somehow can't find Ariana Madix on either the UCB or Groundlings main cast member website? So weird!

She then goes on to say, "Is she just going to go ahead & decide she's funny after being psychotic?" Kristen didn't say one thing about your diary show! Why do you care so much about the sketch comedy class schedule of your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend from two years ago? And yet Kristen is still the one who is labeled as the obsessed psycho? Can you imagine if roles were reversed & Kristen had the meltdown of “Ariana had a diary show? But I used to have a diary! When did she decide to start writing in diaries? I take diaries really seriously!"

As Kristen is being attacked for now the millionth time - we have moved on from her PROVOKING an attack from a man just by her mere presence of being in the same vicinity, her going to therapy to work on herself, let’s now attack her for enjoying a new creative hobby that involves & hurts NONE of them. Yep seems fair! Once again, great moderating Andy! I certainly hope you pay more attention at the dog park with Waccha than you do at your fucking job. If you could stop imagining whatever horribly named Watch What Happens Live Game that you're going to shove down our throats next and actually pay attention that would be great.

Kristen then stands up for her best friend Rachael, the stand up comedian, that Ariana decided to try to destroy her career on national television for absolutely NO reason besides the fact she's friends with Kristen. Ariana decides to continue to attack Rachael’s career AGAIN at the reunion.

"You mean to tell me if 50 people saw Rachael perform 50 people would think she's funny? The jokes I saw on youtube weren't original."

Have we ever heard of one thing Ariana has said on the show that’s funny? Has there ever been anything you laughed at besides this hairstyle & star wars hooker outfit? If only her whit was as sharp as the nose contour they gave her during this reunion, her & Oh Na Na must have used the same makeup artist because Ariana's nose contour makes her look like a bitchy swordfish.

She says that she was infuriated knowing that Kristen’s sketch show was filmed & would possibly be aired "I know so many people who work so hard to have there stuff put on national tv who deserve it so it just sucks that we gave them a platform." Ok so if that’s true - you're saying that your diary show was better than all of your friends work & worthy of being on tv? You think reading straight from your college diary that just accused everyone in your dorm of being a lesbian like you were Regina George & then Tom showing his ass tattoo was worthy of being on television & SO much better than all of your oh so talented friends & Rachael’s stand up comedy that is her actual job?

Hair Straightener says, "Even if we did get asked about someone’s comedy show I'm tired of the things we say being automatically turned into ammunition against us." Yeah, well, that is sort of what happens when you say mean things for no reason about events & people that have nothing to do with you. Also, NO ONE asked you what you thought about it, do you think on a beach day for Katie & Tom’s engagement pictures we really care what you two human ambient pills think about fucking anything? Let alone comedy? If James is the Donald Trump of SUR than Ariana is the Anne Coulter.

-Riding away from any responsibility for your actions-

Little Miss No Sunshine then says what every piece of shit says as their excuse "I'm allowed to have an opinion." Well you know what they say - opinions are like assholes, & all of them look like James' chin.

-This was a scene from the Secrets Revealed episode after the finale. This is her body shaming Kristen who is on the other side of the party of 100 people & who never even went over in her direction-

Ariana, do you douche with lemonade? Because you are the most sour cunt I've ever seen.

We get into the debate of who is the number one guy of the group, which there's no question. Jax is the number one guy in the group & even if he wasn’t he would steal the first place trophy anyway. Forehead shaver you're the number 1 Rachel Maddow look alike in the group & that needs to be enough for you. James you are the #1 guy in the group I want to Lorraina Bobbit, although with the size of your dick it would be more like a circumcision.

We go onto the engagement party & how Lisa was upset that Kristen & Stassi showed up. You know how you're upset that the 2 best friends of the bride to be who worked for you two years ago & who are your daughter’s age can really upset you when you're a multi-millionaire & live in a 3 story palace in Bel Air with a menagerie. Oh how my life would be perfect if it weren't for these two ex-waitresses who are the reason this show is still on in the first place. GGGRRRR!!!!!!!!

They bring up Oh Na Na rudely interrupting Kristen & Stassi's speech, which her excuse is "when something gives me anxiety it takes me want to rip my face off." Which begs the question - then why have you not ripped off your makeup? She says that it was going on for so long & she just wanted it to stop, which of course Lisa defends "she said what we were all thinking." Can you imagine what would have happened if Kristen had interrupted Lala's speech? Or Ariana's? Lisa would have made it seem like she had plucked out Hanky's feathers one by one. Also where the fuck did you have to go LaLa? Did you have to get to the Westminster Dog Show?

They then talk about the after party at SUR where Unlikable Jack the Ripper still claims that he wasn't drunk, he was just on 3 pot brownies, I had no idea an ingredient in brownies was cocaine. When asked about the fight between him & Jax DJ Dickhole says it's because Jax is insanely jealous of him because he knows that he is 10x more talented than he will ever be. The only talent James has is making me think of different ways to murder to someone.

Antichrist screams "I'm the white Kanye West!" with absolutely no irony. Everyone tells him he's a joke and I'm shocked Ariana doesn't jump in with "I take jokes very seriously so it offends me when people think they can just.. be one." Queen Nastassia turns around & tells him "no you're an asshole" to which then he turns into Tilda Swintons ghost with tourettes screaming, "You're an asshole! You're an asshole! You're an asshole! You're all assholes! Especially you Stassi!"

See how delicate he is? Someone get him an XXXS thunder shirt!

I mean we already see that the past 3 episodes have just been an attack on Kristen for her being spit on by a man, for her apologizing, for her going to therapy, reuniting with old friends & trying new hobbies & it's still been a witch hunt I can't imagine how much worse it would have been if she had actually done something this season that warranted it.

At the end Mother of Swans says how she hopes that Hair Straightener & Sour Patch Kid will get married, it then becomes a discussion of if Mr. & Mrs. Debbie Downer will make it official & of course she says "I don't want to get married" because remember how cool & laid back she is and she doesn't believe in marriage because she's not a regular girl she's a cool girl? You know the kind who loves sports & will go to strip clubs because she's just one of the guys.

I understand why she doesn't want to get married, your wedding day is the happiest day of your life where you take a lot of pictures of you smiling & celebrating with your family & friends... anything that involves the world "celebrate" I can't see her wanting to be a part of.

The best part of the reunion was seeing Satan's Scrotum getting called out for texting by Andy who has finally decided to start doing his job the last 2 minutes of filming (maybe he was just tired from going out with Sarah Jessica Parker & Kelly Ripa the night before).

DJ Dickhole complains, "We haven't talked about the PUMP album once!" The look Andy gives him was even colder than the freezer I'm going to hide his body parts in.

At the end red-chested Ken comes out with Peter the Pirate to bring out the final drinks - sadly no sign of life from Faith or Gaysian or update on Hanky's BMI.

I used to love Lisa Vanderpump, I even went to her book signing 4 years ago at Barnes & Noble, but my feelings about her have completely changed. How she allowed the abuse towards Kristen & then blamed her for being the cause of it was disgusting. Kristen & Stassi are the reason the show even made it to a full season in the first place & wasn't pulled off the lineup like that Après Ski abortion. The excuses she makes for Ichabod Crane are ridiculous. I don't understand why she defends Dobby the elf, is it just because she's managing him? Lisa makes more money on selling those SUR merchandise hats than she is making from White Chris Brown’s music. I really DON'T understand her loyalty to him, she spends more time & attention on him than she does on Mute Max! If your own son wants to be a musician than why aren't you putting all that time & money into HIS music career? You know, someone who won't be arrested for battery and/or a DUI? All I can hope is that DJ James Kennedy pulls a DJ AM.

Blind Makeup Artists & Bold Faced Lies

-If you need to lose 5lbs by tomorrow just keep looking at this, best diet ever-

Kristen wins best dressed at reunion hands down-gown & makeup were flawless!

On the completely opposite end of the class & color wheel we go to the maroon LaLa, who took the fashion forward approach of doing a silvery foundation with a mauve bronzer the same color of her lipstick. She wore a blue velvet dress but since you can only see the top of her, probably for fear of her flashing her lips that AREN'T over drawn, it just looks like she's wearing a gymnastics singlet, which would be appropriate for all those exotic "modeling" positions she has to contort to in Italy.

2nd Runner Up for worst look goes to Ariana Schumer who tried to show she's not a Debbie Downer & wore a "fun" braid from the Jessica Simpson hair extension line that make's her look like a milkmaid in a Texas pageant.The dress with the black choker & deep V with the black censor bar across her boobs makes it look like she's a hooker from Star Wars.

Lisa ditched her signature silk shirt with rhinestone buttons to go for a pink top with a giant red bow that makes it look like she's Mary Poppins who just had a neck lift & is still trying to hide the scars.

We start out with the Mother of Swans announcing that Ichabod Crane has been suspended from PUMP yet again for drinking. They show multiple clips of him chugging Fire Ball, maybe since he's a child Lisa assumed the only drink that would be in his bottle would be milk. But as we have all seen the relationship with his Janeane Garofalo look-alike mother it's very obvious he prefers to breast feed right from the source.

He says for the umpteenth time this season that "I've really learned a lesson from all my drinking mate ya know what I mean & that's not the type of man my mother raised & I'm really trying to work on myself.” No you're not. We've all met your mom & you're literally the spawn of Satan whose gotten one too many fillers from Living Social deals.

Jax says how much he would love to beat the shit out of James & how he's so lucky that he's on probation. I wish Andy would do a charity boxing match of Jax vs. DJ Dickhole because I would personally donate an entire years worth of rent to see Jax turn James crossed eyes into 2 black ones.

It really bothered me that Andy never brought up Ichabod spitting at Kristen & how he spoke to her the whole season, or was he out walking Wacha during all of those scenes?

Jax says what anyone who has watched this show already knows; Ichabod used Kristen to weasel his way onto the show. Tom Hair Straightener automatically makes this about him - because when has he ever not? "No he didn't! It was Kristen who used HIM!" Yes because who wouldn't want to get their hands on that Jack Skellington-like body with an endless number of shitty iTunes playlists & child sized tank tops? This reunion is the first time I've ever seen him fully clothed where he's not wearing a "shirt" that barely covers his nipples & shows his armpits or a button down shirt opened to his naval like he's on Dancing with the Stars.

It's brought up how Kristen discovered that Satan's Scrotum lied to her about cheating on her with one of her friends.Earlier in the season when she blatantly asked him & he denied it saying "I would never do that I love you so much you're the only person I've slept with since I've been dating you" & then in the confessional said "We were definitely bone-in!"

It's somehow turned into how Kristen is the one to blame for being a "psycho" because she found the email. He goes on to say how Kristen was cheating on him the whole time even though these camera people follow them around everywhere & don't you think that if there was even a possibility of her cheating that they wouldn't exploit that for all it's worth. And after the breakup with you calling her every word that should be used to describe your mother, she wouldn't use that to throw back in your fetal alcohol syndrome looking face? I know I would. But she didn't, and we all know she has no problem admitting on camera and owning up to if she's cheated. So why wouldn't she this time? Oh yeah, because she didn't do it & for some unknown reason loved you, thank god she's no longer with you because if she had continued I was going to petition that we need to start a Go Fund Me for a lobotomy.

-What Ichabod Crane was doing to Hair Straightner's dick the whole reunion-

Hair Straightener jumps in (of course he does) because trust me if he's on camera & his lips are moving he's talking about Kristen (or his shitty band that consists of him & one other person), saying how he guarantees she cheated on DJ Dickhole & how over the next few months he'll find out so many more people she's slept with. Mr. Debbie Downer & Ichabod have now formed an alliance & anything he says Ichabod enthusiastically nods his weird shaped head over. His head is so far up Tom's ass he can taste his hair gel.

Once again the original topic & only hard facts that Ichabod cheated on her was just mentioned once & then somehow turned into another attack on Kristen of what their hypotheses are of what might happen in the future, with these imaginary guys she supposedly cheated with that we have no proof. Once again. nice moderating Andy! You're letting them attack her on something that never happened & letting it go on for 10 minutes instead of addressing the asshole that cheated on her ON camera.

Hair Straightener then starts going on about how she cheated on him with Jax because apparently his Don Johnson Miami Vice clothes are stuck in a time warp & so is he because he thinks it's season 2 reunion all over again. JESUS CHRIST, no one wants to hear about this again! It's like Hillary Clinton & the emails. FUCKING MOVE ON. Mr. & Mrs. Debbie Downer still have no shame in cheating on Kristen first (which if you watched the Behind the scenes of season 1 episode you heard on air that at that time Ariana & Tom had already hooked up-which season 1 was a year & a half before Kristen & Jax ever slept together) but whenever it's brought up that's there response-"how dare you say that when you slept with Jax?" No one is denying that fact & neither has she. Yet you want us to believe that all you did with Ariana Schumer is make out in the Golden Nugget pool? #1 No one just "makes out" in a pool in Vegas & then says let's stop right here at the kissing, we don't want to rush our cheating! #2 The Golden Nugget? Of course you would stay at the Golden Nugget, you know what they say-water seeks its own level.

Everyone's attack on Kristen-which has now been the same for 4 reunions is "You're a psycho!" is she really?

-She said that Tom cheated on her with Ariana for 3 seasons, which they denied & she was made to look like an insecure crazy bunny boiler & then it turns out THEY DID CHEAT

-She thought DJ Dickhole was cheating on her & it turns out HE DID CHEAT

SO when you call her a psycho do you mean psychic? Because everything she said has been proven to be true when the whole time you spent trying to convince her & anyone who would listen that she was SUR's Amanda Bynes.

-What would make you think she's having sex with them?!-

We then move on to Oh Na Na who clearly fucked her blind makeup artist’s boyfriend, that's the only explanation for what's happening on the face. When asked about her "modeling job in Italy,” she said she has been taken on so many trips around the world by rich older men that she's lost count, which doesn't surprise me how high do you really think she can count anyway? She says how she's never slept with any of them & how she's the one person on the trip whose not getting laid which I 100% believe. They just fly her across the world to go on yachts & tell them about the latest novel she's reading & talk about an exit strategy for the Middle East.

Shay then comes out & they talk about his problem with alcohol & pills this season & how Scheana was attacked on social media for how she handled his "intervention-non intervention" in their wedding photo gallery of a living room. I don't blame Scheana for how she handled it, she wants to support her husband & it's clear she loves him even more than she loves false eyelashes but she's not Dr. Drew. Plenty of my friends are alcoholics & my only helpful solution is "take an uber." Shay has been sober for 3 months, great so maybe he can become DJ Dickhole’s sponsor & he can do the 12 steps, hopefully off a ledge.

They talk about the tattoo Hair Straightener got in Vegas, which I think was done by La La's makeup artist. He say's that he googled "Cool letter A" to pick the design & it was the first that popped up, he put more time into grooming in his eyebrows that night than he did picking a tattoo. If you wanted it to represent Ariana you should have made the letter all black with a rain cloud above it.

We then bring up Kristen apologizing to the funniest sketch comedy actress that you've never heard of. Debbie Downer says how she didn't accept the apology because she didn't think it was "sincere". Jim Carey from Liar Liar could have apologized to you & you still would have thought it was fake. IS THERE ANYTHING THAT SHE HAS LIKED THIS SEASON?

Seriously, can anyone name one thing that she didn't complain about? Even at her birthday party when she was wearing a unicorn hat outside of a bouncy castle she was complaining about Hair Straightener going to Vegas. She complained about the tattoo he got in honor of her. She complains about when other people do comedy because that's her thing (even though we have never seen her talk about it or do it before this season), not like I would call her "Diary Show" comedy because like I said I was there in the audience of that performance & a reading of Anne Frank’s diary would have gotten more laughs.

Kristen DIDN'T have to apologize to you; there was nothing in it for her! It bothered me so much when Hair Straightener said it was bullshit & his anorexic, albino chihuahua behind him yapping "Yep mate totally fake 100% he's ABSOLUTELY right mate he's spot on!" Well congratulations hair gel your band now officially has 1 more groupie, bringing the grand total to 2.

They said it was totally insincere & was just for her to get her friends back. She was already friends with Jax, Katie, Happy Tom, Stassi, Brittany, Scheana, & Shay - oh yeah that's everyone besides you, Hair Gel, & James.

If somebody apologizes to you, who are you to judge the sincerity of the apology? If the person apologizes they are being the bigger person & owning up to what they did wrong. Saying sorry is one of the hardest things in the world to do-that's why there are 1,000 songs written about it. So if someone apologizes to you, what moral high horse are you on that allows you to dictate how pure the apology was, because you will always find something wrong with the apology no matter how good & honest it is if you still want to continue to hold a grudge. There is nothing that person can ever do in your mind that you'll deem worthy enough of being on your same immortal level. She considers herself to be such a high bar of morality & dignity when in reality the bar is even lower than the one she works behind.

-Someone's been using her word of the day calendar!-

It shows how much growth & maturity Kristen has had because she had no reason to do that other than she felt like Little Miss Miserable deserved it. It wasn't Mother of Swans making her, it wasn't so she could get an invite to that amazing sold out Diary show (which had maybe 30 people in the audience when the Improv seats 200) it was because she wanted to.

They then go back to "You fucked Jax." Oh ok, we are back to this again, when Hair Straightener is still best friends with Jax. Not like Kristen is trying to be friends with them she was apologizing for her own actions towards you. I don't know why you wouldn’t accept it & move on but this is coming from a couple who was personally insulted when they found out other people had a comedy show.

They call Kristen a psycho because the only story line they have is calling Kristen a psycho. Even though the only interaction you guys have had all season is her coming in to apologize & then her defending her best friends career on the beach that you were trying to discredit for no reason. Apologizing & then defending her friend, wow WHAT a psycho!

She apologized to you-even though you cheated with her boyfriend first and have never once had any remorse about it & refuse to see anything wrong or why you need to take responsibility. Not only did you not accept it but were a total cunt about it in the process.

Andy asks Forehead Shaver if there's anything Kristen can do for him to be cool with her to which he snaps with his veins protruding "I am at peace!....I AM AT PEACE! DUDE I AM AT PEACE!!!! I'M JUST FUCKING ANNOYED BECAUSE WHEN THIS IS BROUGHT UP I HAVE A LOT TO SAY & A LOT OF FUCKING DAMAGE HAS BEEN DONE! " I think I've heard the Dalai Lama say something similar to that, so clearly you are at peace.

Oh Na Na then decides to jump in saying how she heard Kristen called her a whorebag. I think that was the whole world calling you a whorebag when you were topless in front of people’s boyfriends & defended it by saying "If you have a problem it means you're insecure & it's not like I was showing my pussy."

It becomes the entire left side of the room all screaming at Kristen at once (seriously why doesn't Bravo subtitle their reunions?! Well not like I care what any of these human gashes have to say but for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion I would like them to). So everyone on the left side minus Scheana is screaming at Kristen at the same time. Hair Straightener attacks her by saying "You're just are regurgitating what your therapist tells you" to which she replies, "That's kind of the point of therapy." Yeah that's pretty much the whole selling point of giving someone in a chair, with a hundred degrees behind them, a bunch of money, because you're supposed to regurgitate what they tell you. Yay, so now we're attacking her for going to therapy!

Sorry if you felt this recap just stuck on Kristen but that’s what the reunion was, an hour of attacking Kristen over:

-How her 2 ex boyfriends speculate that she cheated on Unlikable Jack The Ripper & there are more men she's slept with (yet we have no proof of any of this & the first time we are ever hearing about it) so just going on the words of bitter jealous ex boyfriends who the only camera time they get is talking about her.

-Her being a psycho for finding the email proof that Satan Scrotum cheated on her, which was then a 10-minute attack on her, instead of the original point of JAMES CHEATING ON CAMERA. But yes, the reading of a deleted email is a much bigger scandal, I agree.

-Her sleeping with Jax that happened in season 2, yet not once was this EVER brought up to Jax at this reunion because the problem isn't really about the cheating, it's just something to attack Kristen about.

-Mr. & Mrs. Debbie Downer, Lisa, & Tom's newest fluffer Jack Skellington saying how Kristen is a liar. What a jury of her peers!

-Going to therapy & bettering herself (which they then find a way to make about themselves; how she must only be doing it as a way to get back at them). Ah yes, reverse therapy is VERY common. Speaking of therapy have you ever heard of the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Maybe you should spend more time googling that instead of "Cool Letter A's”.

I don't know if Andy was busy fantasizing a 3 way with him, Wacha, & Anderson Cooper, but way to keep it on track! I give Kristen so much credit, not only for looking the best, hair & outfit wise, but for holding it down that entire time when you have 4 peasants who the only reason they have a paycheck is for the airtime they spent talking about you. If she had a dollar for every time her name was mentioned on this show she'd be richer than Lisa. You can see how much her therapy is paying off because if I was there I wouldn't be able to sit there for 10 seconds without flipping that little restoration hardware coffee table in the middle & attacking them like we were at a Love & Hip Hop reunion.

I hope next episode isn't a continuation of the one woman Salem SUR Witch Trial that they put Kween Kristen on because it was really hard to watch especially when once again the Antichrist get's off completely free. Does he have Max's voice trapped in a seashell like Ursula in The Little Mermaid? What does he have over the people at Bravo that he isn’t accountable for anything?! Why is no one acknowledging that he's baby Hitler besides Jax?! When Jax Taylor is the voice of reason, something is wrong.

Kittens tell me what you think in the comments, what are your conspiracies?

I love you for reading! XOXO

**Special thank you to @Pizzahontas @Tasteofstreep for the gifs!

Shih Tzu Bitch Stole My Look

Jax returns from Hawaii & the sunglass murder trial of the century to his apartment & Southern Angel/hair model Brittany. However, instead of being relieved it's over & just having probation he's more frustrated that he's coming home to a studio apartment smaller than one of his tattoos, & starts blaming & ranting to Angel about everything. He says that he can’t stand how the closet looks because he is a clean freak. Yeah Brittany, how is he supposed to be able to look at all the items he's stolen if things aren't organized?! I was surprised to hear he is a clean freak, for some reason someone who has their bikes hanging on the wall over his kitchen table & poops with the door open didn't strike me as a Jeff Lewis type. He is also frustrated that construction is going on. I'm not really sure how any of this is Southern Angel’s problem but ok.

He says that its her job to find an apartment, I myself live in Los Angeles & I don't know what's harder finding a boyfriend here or finding an apartment, she's already done one of those things so I think she's done. I have lived here for 5 years & I still have no idea where the fuck anything is, that's why I picked where to live based on apartment complexes I saw on The Hills. I was too lazy to go around & look at shitholes I found on Craigslist for fear of getting killed and having my organs sold on the black-market or in poor Southern Angel’s case, her implants.

Somebody who has managed to find an apartment is our Queen Nastassia who is sadly no longer squatting with Kween Kristen which I was secret-ing to the universe & to Andy Cohen to become it's own spinoff. Also does anyone else have a major problem with Stassi's title card? Under her name it says "Former SUR Server." UM anyone watching this knows who fuck she is and a more appropriate title would be "The reason this show was even a hit in the first place."

Stassi managed to find her dream apartment - sky blue walls (her favorite color) & crown molding (to match the invisible crown she wears on her head), maybe Stassi should do a crossover onto Million Dollar Listing because she's amazing at finding real estate.

The movers are just starting to come in with the first boxes, it hasn't even been 5 minutes & Kween Kristen comes to christen the new home with flowers but more importantly alcohol, so it really does feel like home. That is a true friendship. One of the 7,982 things I love about this show is that they really do love each other & after all the shit these girls have been through together that they are still best friends. I stopped talking to one of my best friends because she moved to Santa Monica, which is like a 35-minute drive, I’m sorry, but friendship over I'm not doing that shit. Back at Jax's he's still taking out his jet lag on poor Southern Angel. She remains so calm & understanding, seriously what antidepressants is this girl on because I need them. Ask my pharmacist I have gone down the list A-Z & have never found anything that have made me that rational & pleasant. (If anyone has any Rx cocktail recipes leave them in the comments!)

He says how being in the jail cell was the most calm & sane he's felt since she's moved in since he was finally able to get some peace & quiet. You know you can just go to a yoga class right? Or take a walk (away from the construction area obviously); jail isn't the ONLY quiet place. And granted I haven't been to jail, but from what I've seen on TV & movies it looks super loud with everyone yelling, having dominance fights over top & bottom bunks & who stole their toilet wine.

That is also so mean to say to your perfect girlfriend who left her whole life & family to move across the country to come to a place where the only person & thing she knew was you. I used to think the worst thing my boyfriend could call me was fat, now I think it would be that it was better in jail than being in an apartment with me. If he did say that to me than I would be like "good while since you love jail so much you can go back to it." Then I would call his probation officer, say he stole another pair of plastic Oakley's & have him arrested & sent back to his favorite place in the world. SO just a heads up if any of my future boyfriends are reading this.

At SUR Ichabod Crane goes up to the visit the most hilarious bartending/comedy duo in the world, Tom & Ariana. Hair Straightener asks if he wants a drink & Jack Skellington replies "No mate ya know what I mean I haven't had a drink in two weeks ya know what I mean." I don't know if he means alcohol or if he means not breastfeeding from his Groupon Botoxed-filled mom.

Meanwhile, in the bathroom Scheana is helping Lala Vasquez literally safety pin her Wet Seal tube top dress back together. Lala says how she's nervous about the Bubba's engagement party tomorrow & how she can't believe she was invited. Yeah, neither can we. There is no reason you should be there, I mean I get if you were the hostess at the strip club, Tom & the guys might go to for his Bachelor party but that’s the only way I would picture you involved with this wedding in anyway.

She says she's nervous about how to do her hair & how to dress, Scheana tells her "dress like you're going to be around someone’s mom & grandma.” Yeah LaLa, because you're going to an event & will be in pictures of a day that they will remember forever, so maybe try not to show your nipples or vagina, which will be hard because it's at Lisa's house & you WILL be by a pool.

We see the Queens getting ready & they're planning they're strategy of entering the engagement party like it's Ocean's 11, or in they're case 2, but with the drinking tolerance of 11.

Queen Stassi is nervous about party crashing for the first time "The only thing holding me back right now is I have self-respect & dignity, thank god for Kristen who is unburdened by those anchors." Kween Kristen wonders if Lisa will kick them out, well she does have 13 guard dogs (4 of which have alopecia), 6 guard swans (at least one with an eating disorder so Hanky will be easy to outrun), & 2 midget ponies but Kristen is a vegetarian, so have her throw her dinner of carrots to distract them & Roscia the house maid is probably too busy inside making sure no one uses the 18 bathrooms, & of course red chested Ken is too busy picking out Giggy's outfit.

Kween Kristen says the Antichrist has been texting her so I guess that AT&T gets really good reception in hell. She says she hopes he turns his life around & I just hope he turns his car into oncoming traffic.

The Bubba's did such an amazing job setting up the Linen & Lace engagement party, which they did all themselves. Katie was setting up the umbrellas & tables in sweltering summer heat in her party dress without having her hair fall flat & having her makeup remain flawless, if that were me my guests would have been slipping in my face that had melted on to the floor. We met most of Katy & Tom’s family who are so adorable & loving and look like what normal parents should look like. Not like the Botched audition tape that James’ mom is clearly shooting every time she's on camera.

Ohh Na Na shows up in a white lace v-neck dress that is so low cut it shows underboob, which you know every Grandma loves! The white lace "dress" LaLa is wearing makes her look like a Vegas stripper about to be married by an Elvis impersonator at one of those little 24-hour wedding chapels. Faith shows up (I KNOW!!!) in the same black felt hat she wore in Hawaii, it must be her signature 105 degree summer hat, she's also wearing a black lace crop top and & long black lace skirt like she just came from a funeral of all her scenes that were cut from this season, but Kittens I'm just happy we get to see her one last time!

Lala says "Before I left the house I had approximately 14 mimosas & a couple shots before I came here." Man her book club drinks A LOT! So much alcohol & not one mirror in your house to look at your hair?

Everyone is playing lawn games & socializing but the real life’s of the party have their own high-top table. Hair Straightener rapidly fans himself with a paper fan looking even more effeminate than Marie Antoinette & Ariana is blowing bubbles. I was wrong for saying she wasn't talented in an earlier blog post, because she is. It takes a lot of talent to still manage to look miserable while blowing bubbles.

The gates to the Palace of Villa Rosa open & the Queens walk up the ridiculously long & grand driveway. Between the anxiety & all the exercise I'm out of breath just watching it, better them than me!

Kween Kristen asks "What if she throws us off her mountain?" Yes I could see where that could put a damper on the engagement party, but if Scheana's engagement party can handle Jax & Tom getting into a fist fight & hurting her tooth, Katie & Tom’s can handle you getting thrown off the mountain because at least than you could sue & get all that Vanderpump Sangria money & split it half with them!

Ichabod Crane squawks "Oohhhh I see trouble." like the tattle tale douche-y little Oliver Twist that he is, also how can you even see them from that far away with your crossed eyes? Every one turns to look & Jax says out loud "Dayum Stassi  looks good," this is one of the few times Jax has told the truth.

Katie runs up & hugs them because she's so genuinely happy that her best friends still showed up to support her. I think it's so brave, not just that they showed up, I'm most impressed with that they are able to hug people & not get their makeup on other people’s all white outfits, I just have to give people a Howie Mandel fist bump instead.

The Queens go up to the Mother of Swans & I'm so nervous just watching, because she's not even clutching stuffed Giggy or a glass of rosé so I'm suspicious of why she has to have her hands free & I'm wondering if she's planning a Joan Collin’s Dynasty slap.

She just says "Oh no... It's been a beautiful afternoon, don't fuck it up." She surprisingly doesn't look pissed she just looks at Katie and kind of gives her "this is your thing you're in charge just don't go in the house & knock over one of my 437 flower arrangements" look & walks off.

Stassi & Southern Angel Brittany meet for the first time and they are completely friendly with each other. Stassi says how she's always said that Jax has great taste in girlfriends, which is true. Every girlfriend he's ever had has always been insanely beautiful & way younger than him, he's like the Leonardo DiCaprio of SUR & his 3rd nose was like his Oscar.

We then see Unlikable Jack the Ripper playing make believe Coyote Ugly throwing empty liquor bottles up in the air and back & forth in his hands impressing no one because no one is even watching him. He is literally the child at the party running around in the backyard doing totally average mundane things going, "Look at me!!! Look what I can do!!!"

tumblr_o43k4p6yb1t06j4mo1_500

He then goes up to Kween Kristen & pulls out the PUMP cd with the cover that looks like he made it on Microsoft Paint. On top of it not even being music, who has real CD's anymore?!? My Macbook doesn't even have a slot for CD's! Why don't you just go ahead & make a fucking PUMP cassette tape & 8-track while you're at it?

He keeps showing her the CD, once again what is there to show- the 5-track names of robot laser keyboard sounds? Lala & her Troll Doll hair keep skulking or in her case skanking in the background glaring. "Everything about Kristen pissed me off, I hate her hair, her outfits are shit, I hate her shoes, and I hate everything about her." Topless girls in houses with shitzu hair & Charlotte Rouse platform shoes shouldn't throw stones.

Mother of Swans gets up & says how much she loves the Bubbas & how she wishes them the best & asks if anyone wants to say anything & Kween Kristen raises her hand. Dammit Kristen we wanted to hear a hilarious toast from Ariana! But fine, I guess.

Kween Kristin & Stassi both get up to do the speech because they have known the Bubbas the longest & as they're making the speech Little Miss Ratchet Muffin drunkenly screams from the back "WRAP IT UP!!!" which is coincidentally what James’ dad SHOULD have done.

Are you fucking kidding me Lisa? You were worried about Kristen & Stassi making a scene & you're letting Troll Doll Hair whose dress is so low you can almost see her stomach jewel heckle an engagement speech? I was in the audience at Ariana's "comedy" journal show & I didn't even heckle that.

Mrs. Bubba has to get up at her own party while her two best friends are trying to give her a toast & has to defend them in front of the crowd politely since she is in front of nana's & pop pops & can't say, "Hey LaLa shouldn't you be sucking some old mans liver spots off right now for a trip to Capri?" But instead is polite and said, "This is my engagement party & these are my friends and if anyone has a problem with that you don't have to be here." Klassy Katie remains flawless & Lala remains a low down dirty monkey with a shitzu wig on.

We now head to SUR for the after party & Ichabod Crane goes up to Jax and gets in his face & says, "Don't tempt me tonight boy." Jax says how he already seems to be tempted enough because he's drunk & Ichabod has a defensive tantrum, "No no no I haven't mate I've had 3 joints that IT!" Since when did they start making joints out of cocaine?

Scheana pulls Ariana Schumer from what I'm sure was about to a be a great story she was going to tell & they go outside to talk about their friendship & Scheana breaks down about how she misses her and how it's different hanging out with Kristen, Stassi, & Katie. I'm sure it is a different experience being around people who smile. Scheana apologizes to HER which I still have no idea why, she still has to make the drinks for your tables whether you're friends or not!

Back inside, we see Peter & Gaysian (OMG you guys the producers let them all of the van for the finale!) and Lala is manically pulling on her Bam Bam pony tail for the umpteenth time, it's really frizzing and you can definitely tell she didn't go to Giggy’s dog groomer because this is the hair equivalent of James’ music- absolute shit.

She goes over to Jack Skellington & starts licking his face as a sign of ownership, which is basically like peeing on him, like the shitzu bitch she is. They are literally holding each other’s tongues for seconds. I've never seen a birthing video but I imagine it's as disgusting & disturbing as this. How is this not a health code violation? If the California Health Department were watching this episode the rating card in the front window would go from an A to a C real quick. If I knew I was going to see a scene like that I would have ordered a cheat meal because I literally just threw up.

Kween Kristen has the same reaction that anyone with eyes has-, which is dry heaving & says what we are all thinking, "It's like a walking STD."

YAAASSSSS!!!! SLAY QUEEN! You are the original, you are the reason we have a show & that they unfortunately fucking have a job, they should be bowing down & only be making eye contact when given permission.

Queen continues speaking our truth, "Can you just leave because no one here likes you."

Gash-I'm the one person babe you don't want to fuck with! Don't fucking cross me bitch

Queen- "I'm really scared," she remains so calm & confident like she's Chanel Oberlin from Scream Queens

Lala now shows us her audition tape for Bad Girls Club by coming up & SHOVING Kween.

Gash- Sit the FUCK DOWN!

OHNOOSHEFUCKINGDIDNTTTTTTTTTTT - but that is the only time in her life that girl will ever feel what non-polyester fabric feels like.

How Kween didn't rip her Icing by Claire’s hoops right out of her earlobes I don't know, but that's because she's a queen & doesn't touch trash, that's James’ job because he's a busboy. The fact Kween didn't scalp that Bratz ponytail off of her head shows how flawless she is & she doesn't need to dirty her hands by touching that Sally's beauty supply weave.

Slorebag runs out because that’s what you do after you make a big dramatic gesture to get a lot of camera time & then you realize you're not Cookie from Empire, you're a girl who clearly watched Jessica Alba in Honey & Julia Stiles in Saved the Last Dance one too many times. You're just a girl from Utah who still says the word "Mommy" so you run out of the restaurant to the back lounge. Stassi tells her she needs to own up & apologize & Lala says she's so tired of apologizing to people & "if people don't want to be my friend they can blow me," all that book reading is paying off!

I am surprised she didn't apologize, it's not like that girl has any problems getting on her knees.

As if that wasn't disturbing enough to watch we now have to be subjected to the same song we saw just a week ago of "Lets Touch in Public" but this time it's a "live" lip-sync version, without the distraction of props like the dildo guitar or Faith licking a book. It's just Hair Straightener & his Screech from Saved by the Bell doppelganger band mate in their jackets that look like gay camo print. Their band name shouldn't be called Charles McMansion, it should be called "Boys 2 Menorah" because they look like a bat mitzvah hype men.

I love that Lisa thought it was a comedy song like a Weird Al Yankovic and kept looking around confused & whispered, "is this supposed to be funny?" I will say his music is 100% funnier than Ariana's comedy.

After the performance Ichabod sits behind Ken & Giggy for protection & puts his arm around him & keeps calling him "Poppa Bear". I love Ken because he doesn't have to say anything because the look on his face is "I'm seventy fucking years old & out of my whole life this is by far the worst moment."

Lisa asks him if he's drinking-, which of course he denies & says he’s only had 3 joints, & says he feels like he's in space & like he's not even here. Ugh if only that were true. He then goes on to say he's also had 4 pot brownies on top of the joints. Listen, no one believes you about the not drinking thing and definitely no one believes that you ATE 4 brownies. He is slurring & speaking at a volume as if he's in a stadium & Kristina Kelly aka the Lily Aldridge of SUR tells him that it's obvious he's wasted because Stevie Wonder could see that.

Satan’s Scrotum- "Youuuu shut the fuckk up!”

Lily Aldridge- "Don't talk to me that way"

Satan's Scrotum- "Shut you fucking mouth"

Jax & Angel watch from the bar & Jax gets upset & says he can't talk to women like that, THANK YOU! How is Jax the adult that's holding him accountable & not Papa Bear & Mother of Swans? C'Mon Peter this is your big moment to say something! Aren't you a manager? Also why did no one acknowledge that Peter was wearing a cross body bag the whole night? Is it for your gold doubloons or crackers for Iago?

Now James has stood up & at this point Ken & Peter are just leaning on either side of the bar like bookends. Do they just figure, "I didn't get any one-on-one confessionals this year, fuck this let it happen what do I care, I'm 1 line-up from Gaysian & Faith on the call sheet."

Jax says he needs to calm down & stop being disrespectful to women.

Satan's Scrotum: I'm disrespectful to women? You've fucked over a hundred girls.

Angel gets in between them & has her hands on Jax’s chest, Angel protect your own chest they're new & fabulous! She has to hold Jax back because DJ dickhole is just baiting him because he knows he's on probation so he can't do anything to him, so he's safe no matter wait. It's like threatening a boxer through the TV. VERY manly. He is the biggest pussy in the world, which is why him & Lala get along so well, he is the biggest & she has the biggest.

vpr-jax-brittay

Jax- I'll put my fucking fist in your fucking face!

Ichabod- (sitting down at a table smoking like a mime in Paris with his shirt almost completely unbuttoned) Fucking hit me! You can't old man! Do you think I couldn't take you?

Lisa FINALLY decides to maybe step in, I don't know if she was busy sipping tea or making some cheeky sexual innuendo but she simply says "Hey, hey, hey"

Ok Fonz way to really step in & break it up!

Ichabod- Come at me

Jax- You're about 150 pounds soaking wet please let me put my fist in your face!

Ichabod- don’t cross me in front of Lisa! (he screams over her shoulder & then goes back to hiding behind Lisa using her body & diamonds as a shield like the man he is)

Jax-You wanna go?

Ichabod-Be a good boy OLD MAN!

Jax-I'm 200 pounds heavier than you I'll drop you!

**Sidebar-I love when men get in fights they announce their weight & keep upping it in competition with one another. Girls would NEVER do this in a million years, we don't even want the nurse to tell us our weight when we go in for check ups let alone scream it in public during a fight.

Now Brittany, Mr.Bubba, Peter (fucking finally) are all holding Jax back.

Ichabod - "I'm going to take myself out of the situation, later!" Walks out, then turns back around, stands in the doorway sticks a cigarette in his mouth giving the peace sign & gives us this image that I have watched no less than 300 times.

As if that isn't bad enough, 2 seconds later he then comes BACK. He is literally the herpes of people, just when you think you've gotten rid of him he pops back up. He comes in to kiss Kween Kristin on the cheek & she responds "I feel like I just got an STD on my face" I'm officially dead.

He walks out & Lala is sitting by the trash bags - which is honestly the group she looks the most comfortable with. She asks if he wants to go home with her & they walk off making out, which is perfect because there's not one disease that the other doesn't already have so they're a match made in heaven.

The moment we've been waiting for is Jax going up & having a sit-down conversation with Stassi & we get flashbacks to in the beginning when they were a mix of a Allie & Noah from the Notebook with the cheating & drinking habits of Elizabeth Taylor & Richard Burton.

Jax says how it's been 3 years & how he wants her to know that if she ever needed anything she could still call him tomorrow & he would be there. She says how she is surprised to hear that & so am I and during this whole amazingly enlightened conversation all I can look at is how fabulous Stassi's lip color is.

They talk about how they hope that since enough time has passed that they can be in the same room. Stassi tells him she really doesn't want him to fuck it up with Southern Angel. Seriously Jax, don't screw this up or I will find you & rip you apart like you're a chunky white sweater. You need to lock this girl down, I know you put some double DD's on her to make it a little bit harder for her little angel wings to fly off but if she drinks enough red bull she could be gone. She is the best thing that has ever happened to you, or to anyone. Please go steal someone’s engagement ring (as long as it's not Katie's) and propose to her before I do.

Everyone goes home happy except for me as I sit on my couch & ugly cry because I can't believe it's over. Vanderpump Rules is a show that needs to be on all year round, like soap operas, or the news. We still have so many questions we never got answered?

-Why was Lisa throwing a Madea church hat in the opening credits that didn't even match her outfit?!

-Why were LaLa & DJ Dickhole at the engagement party & NOT Gordo?!

-Will the Bubba's be using Scheana's wedding planner that she found on Instagram who spent the whole wedding in flip-flops picking up plastic cups?

-Did Gaysian, Mute Max, & Faith just take some Buddhist monk vow of silence that we just don't know about?

-In Ichabod Cranes' "music" video, do you think there's any chance that's lead based paint & my prayers have been answered?

Well my Kittens, I can't wait for the reunion where hopefully Andy Cohen will hold the peasants accountable for their behavior because Mother of Swans sure hasn't. She cares about punishing them as much as she cares about hiding the white glue on her fake eyelashes, which at this point she is using as eyeliner. Speaking of makeup Oh Na Na decided to go with a mauve bronzer to match her lipstick & a blue velvet singlet to compete in a children's gymnastics competition.

I love you for reading. XOXO

14 days to April 4th, which is the premiere of Southern Charm you're future obsession, TRUST ME! Please do yourself a favor & go watch season 1 right now. There are only 8 episodes & it has all the drama of season 1 & 2 of VPR cheating & pregnancy scares but on plantations & in white dinner jackets. You're welcome.

He's funnier than Ariana (well, who isn't?)

I wish he would drink the propane tanks behind him. Vanderpump Rules Recap will be up later my Kittens since my DVR decided to magically delete it since it filled it with all Season 1 reruns in honor of the Unseen Footage Special running tonight which will be a must watch! The greatest thing about tonight is that there will be no Ariana,James, or LaLa!!!

Seriously why did Ichabod Cranes' mom have to be Janine Garaffalo & not Casey Anthony?!

Snakes & Turtles

-When Draco Malfoy has to work as gay hustler to pay for Hogwarts-

We open with Katie asking Mother of Swans if her & Tom can have their engagement party at Villa Rosa, because what other event space can you get in LA that comes with a moat of swans with eating disorders, ponies, and a billion pink roses? Lisa looks at her like she asked if she could throw an "Eyes Wide Shut" themed party and put Giggy in a ball gag. It's okay that Shay used her house to propose to Scheana & we have every other event in Beverly Hills at her house but she seems really skeptical of this, which is weird because besides invisible Faith, Gaysian, & of course Max the Mute, the Bubba's have the least amount of drama surrounding them.

Lisa says if she says yes to this that she has to make sure it stays a really small so Katie counts out the number of people she's going to have there & it sounds like Lisa wants to make sure she keeps it under the amount of animals she has, so that means the guest list can be at least 100. Katie says she invited Stassi & Kristen, & Lisa says that they're absolutely not allowed in any of the 3 tiers of her lawn estate or in her 35 rooms. They aren't welcome anywhere near the gates of Villa Rosa. Lisa is acting like they're child molesters coming within 100 ft of a school, they're just 2 ex employees that want to celebrate one of there best friends engagements. It's not like you have a studio apartment. You won't exactly be running into them (but it's reality tv so of course you will). So Lisa gets the final decision over the list because after all it is her engagement party. Oh wait.

Next we see Mr. & Mrs. Debbie Downer getting facials as Hair Straightener talks about what else? His band. This is the last episode before the finale & his entire conversation arc this season has been text gate, his band, & how Ariana is "the most down to earth, awesome chick in the world." I hate when people use "Down to earth" as a way to describe a normal fucking person. It's awesome that Lady Gaga is down to Earth because she doesn't have to be, but a bartender who works in West Hollywood? Maybe he meant to say, "she's a DOWNER" on Earth, which in that case I completely agree.

He says how they're shooting his music video this weekend & how he has spent more money on this than anything else, WHAT a great investment. They have spent $9,000 so far & they told him to bring 2K in cash to set (so it must be Italians running the music video). When you sign up for a Bravo reality show they should make you take a financial course because I don't know who has stupider investment ideas, you, Teresa, or the annoying fucking Manzo kids with that "Blk. Water" bullshit.

I don't know what would be more unattractive to me, watching my boyfriend get a facial or watching him talk about his band, both make my vagina shrivel up & die. Little Miss Miserable says, "Back off ladies, he's all mine!" What imaginary ladies are you talking to? You two are literally the only ones attracted to each other.

We see Kween Kristen walking down the sidewalk in a blue romper like it's catwalk, she looks amah-zing so I'm assuming she's going to meet up with the OG girls to give us a Sex & the City-esque dinner, but no. Instead at the table we see the Kennedy that SHOULD have been assassinated.

She says how the antichrist has been trying to get back with her, sending her tons of apology texts & begged for a sit down, so that's why she's here. NOOOOOO!!! He is like Kaa from The Jungle Book, a fucking snake that hypnotizes you & a head shape not found in the human world.

He says how he's not drinking tonight, great so I wonder how long into the episode it will be till we see him start to shake from alcohol withdrawal . He says how he's sorry for all of the bad things he said to her, oh like how you were physically & emotionally abusive? Cool thanks for the sorry. You say, "Sorry I'm late" not "Sorry I screamed in your face, threatened you, & spit on your personal space."

He says, "he's going to try to work on being the guy my mom raised him me to be." Well we've met your mom & she proves that the douche doesn't fall far from the bag because you're both fucking AAAHHHH Real Monsters.

His defense about his terrible actions is "But don't you remember me filling you apartment with balloons every week?" Oh yes, filling my apartment with rubber balloons that are terrible for the environment & also wilt like your pathetic excuse for a dick 12 hours after having them. WHAT a romantic!

She asks him if he slept with Jenna the girl from the beginning of the season that he hit on at Scheana's decades birthday party (& then went home in an Uber & slept with then lied about it to Kristen’s face). She asks him if he slept with her again & he finally admits it. She starts crying because she finally heard the truth about what she suspected; her then boyfriend cheated on her with one of her friends & goes outside to get some fresh air and out of the cloud of his Ax Body Spray scent.

She's outside on the curb crying & your heart hurts watching it because every girl has been there with some guy that you really loved & he made you feel like shit. He comes out after her & tries to give her puppy dog eyes, or in his case crossed puppy dog eyes. He is back to smoking his cigarette like an alien who once saw a mime do an impression of smoking. Ariana should take comedy tips from DJ Dickhole because watching him smoke a cigarette is one of the most hilarious things on this show.

He says how he's still in love with her & how he wants things to go back to how they were in the beginning when they were best friends & never fought. He keeps telling her he loves her & puffing giant clouds of smoke that must have some hypnotic affect because between that & the bullshit he's reciting to Kristen, you can see that she thinks that he's gone back to the busser she fell in love with. She says how she still worries about him which she should- because I'm going to kill him. She allows him to hug her & I know we're all shouting at our TV screens.

The next day Kristen & Stassi go to the factory that’s making Kween Kristin's t-shirt line. We keep cutting between the Kweens & the peasants (Ichabod Crane & Lala) who are both giving their version of the story.

Kristin embarrassingly tells Stassi that they made out in the car & then we switch to the disgustings talking like they are on an all male morning zoo radio show -"We ended up having sex on top of her beamer!!!!!!!"

I only pray he didn't take a nude beamer selfie during all of this.

Lala all of a sudden gets Love & Hip Hop jealous on us even though she doesn't even want his baby carrot dick that can't even function properly.

"WTF are you doing?! Right now you're fired from PUMP & your cd is on hold-both are because of Kristen!" Really? I thought it was because Lisa was finally realizing he's a baby Hitler. Where last weeks Lala's fortune cookie advice was "Take that bitch to dinner," her advice this week is "Fuck that bitch & get your job back!" She should write an advice column.

This is why Queen Stassi should have gone with Kween Kristen to that dinner because this is how it would have gone:

At the Bubba's apartment we are going over the engagement party food list & Happy Tom suggests tacos "because everyone loves tacos!" Excellent point. (I am especially for this plan because I had Taco Bell cater my 18th birthday party that was Pimps & Hoes themed, humblebrag!) Tom seems as aware with what’s going on with the engagement planning as their adorable puppy son Gordo.

At SUR Jax tells Lisa he needs the next couple days off because he has to fly back for his court hearing in Hawaii for the murders stolen sunglasses case. Is this the new OJ trial? He says he doesn't know how it will go- it could be just more fines or he could be put in jail again. Between the bail, his lawyer bills, & the flight back to Hawaii he might as well have stolen Dana Wilkey’s because that's how much these plastic Oakley’s ended up costing him. I don't understand, it's not like a child was in them while he stole them! Is Hawaii that wonderful of a state that this is the worst crime being committed?

Next night the group (minus Hair Straightener & Little Miss No Sunshine) joins Kristen & her new boyfriend Carter at a dive bar for turtle races & I'm sad Ramona Singer & Kim Richards aren't the judges. It turns out that Katie already knows Carter because they once had a one-night stand together 6 years ago. You could literally pick anyone on this show to play the "Kevin Bacon" game with, but instead of Kevin Bacon, replace anyone's name & you will find someone at SUR who slept with them or knows someone who slept with them.

Happy Tom says in his confessional "Carter & Katie actually know each other, how do I put this..... he's had his dick in her" so looks like Tom is already practicing Kristen & Carter’s wedding speech!

Katie & Carter hooked up before she ever met Tom & they are completely fine about it. I always admire everyone on this show for their ability to not only sit next to, but be friends with people they used to sleep with. If I even see someone I made out with 6 years ago I avoid them like the plague.

My favorite part of this scene is how adorable & genuine Kristen & Happy Tom are when they talk about their plan of rescuing all the racing turtles & releasing them in Lisa's moat to be with the swans. I love this "Free Willy" turtle spinoff & I wish they would do it because I would watch a whole spin off series of just that. Kristen & Tom rescuing animals to bring back to Villa Rosa like the most bougie wildlife sanctuary there is.

Katie tells Stassi & Kristen that Lisa said that they couldn't come to the engagement dinner. I don't really know why Lisa lets two ex-employees who are her daughters age bother her that much, it's not like they're the ones who broke Max's teeth (or his voice box).

Jax & Brittany the Southern Angel on earth go to dinner & she's showing off her brand new boobs that look fantastic & super natural! Certainly more natural looking than James & that cigarette. They're talking about his trip to Hawaii & Jax doesn't like that she makes a "last free meal comment.” They're talking about the upcoming engagement party & Jax says he doesn't feel like he's that on board with marriage, & she says that having a husband & family is her goal & she moved her entire life for him.

She is the best thing that could ever happen to you, or to anyone. You should have brought her to the courthouse before you even brought her home to your apartment for the first time. Seriously lock that girl down, borrow Tom Cruise’s old shackles he used on Katie Holmes, literally do anything to get her from leaving or flying away like the hair model angel that she is.

Next is filming Hair Straighteners music video, which is being shot in a library, so LaLa is happy!

Tom doesn't strike me as someone who reads anything besides GQ. His bands name is "Charles McMansion.” Charles Manson is much more appropriate because this is horrifying. They are dressed like Miami Vice/Bat Mitzvah DJ's & the concept is that they walk through the library with a "sexual liberation machine" that turns all the library goers into sex maniacs. I thought the only people who went to libraries anymore were old people learning computers & homeless people who go to shower in the sink. Also it's just you & some guy with a jewfro & you don't play any instruments, so can we really call that a band?

His significant other is also featured in the video doing her signature Blue Steel look-snarling

Mrs.Debbie Downer  then comes in with the guitar covered in pink dildos because she LOVES prop comedy! She is HILARIOUS! Maybe these were all the dildos that have been shoved up her ass the whole time & thats whats been bothering her this season.

The song is called "Let's touch in public" but when they're singing it, it just sounds like "Let's touch a bunnnaayy!"The only good part of this video is that Faith actually got a part!

The next day at SUR Katie is talking to Scheana & Jax about the engagement party & she tells Ariana "I hope you don't have to pretend like you're having too much fun."

I love fucking love Katie & her hair that always looks fresh from a blowout.

Ariana of course takes the joke really well because she's such a great comedian! And by that I mean staring dead eyes with her face looking like she just sucked on a lemon that she then put in someone’s drink.

Ariana: Well obviously I wanna come to your party and support you guys
*crickets*

They all stare off in different directions pretending they didn't hear the energy vampire.

Brittany drives Jax to the airport once again proving she's the nicest human living & not making him take an Uber X. Jax is starting to say how even though stealing the sunglasses was a mistake he's starting to think having his girlfriend of 3 months move into his studio apartment was a bigger mistake. Listen Jax, I don't care if you guys live in a place the size of that car, YOU DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN to keep that angel on earth. You don't even have to pay electric because her halo lights up the whole place. Just like Giggy I still don't believe Brittany is real because no one is that perfect & understanding.

Brittany is the human version of the Powerball lottery & Jax better not throw away that fucking golden ticket.

You guys we got to see so many shots of Faith & Peter tonight I can't believe it! Still no sign of life from Gaysian with the mohawk but 2 out 3 ain't bad!

As sad as I am that next week is the season finale I can't wait for it because it does look AMAH-ZING. Jax threatens James which omfg I would pay thousands to see that, Bravo needs to have their own MMA channel. Lala pushes Kween Kristen who I wish would just rip out those hoops out of her ears as soon as she even tries to make eye contact with her. KNOW YOUR FUCKING PLACE. And that place is riding some old man’s d on a yacht in Italy while you're Instagram modeling.

So many questions

-Which books do you think Lala checked out of the library?

-Am I the only one who is jealous of Marlee Matlin whenever I hear James' or Tom’s music?

-When are Hanky & Giggy making a band? They would probably use less autotune than Tom & James

-Whatever happened with the tacos?!

I love you Kittens for reading!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RHOBH recap will be up tomorrow, what other shows should I be recapping? What do you love/hate? It is my personal mission to get you all into Southern Charm-it's like Vanderpump Rules but in white tuxedos & on plantations-you're welcome!

Palm Springs & Olive Branches

We open the episode with Katie & Scheana having to wait for Lisa to come in to give them their checks because apparently SUR is the only place that hasn't heard of direct deposit. Mother of Swans comes in & pulls their waitress paychecks out of her $50,000 handbag that for all we know is made out of the skin of Jax's old noses. They tell Lisa that they are going to drive to Palm Springs to Rachael’s parents house where the Kweens are having a girls vaca, so they can ambush Stassi because if they ambush her they feel the apology will be sincere & not rehearsed. I don't know if Stassi is anything like me but I've already practiced every confrontation 50 times in the shower. Lisa seems disappointed that they are going & I'm not sure if it's because of the Stassi thing or if it's because they said the reason for their trip wasn't to visit Lisa's star on the "Palm Springs Walk of Fame".

Meanwhile, the guys are over at Peter the pirate’s place that surprisingly isn't an old wooden ship but a regular crappy apartment. Instead of being decorated with life size pictures of himself, he has chosen to go with putting 50 pairs of shoes all around his front door. Jax & Happy Tom are there to help him babysit his girlfriend’s kid, but is it really baby sitting when you're watching someone who is emotionally & mentally your peer?

They are pregaming before the kid comes over to be in their care because how else do you deal with being around children? No seriously, I'm asking. The girlfriend comes to drop him off & she gives them a list of what not to do. She tells that them he loves to play "Zombie & Princess". I'm glad Ariana isn't there because she would be asking him how many classes he's taken in this, & that she takes Zombie & Princess acting really seriously, & it bothers her when kids think that they can just do it. One of the things on the list is the kid gets a snack every 2 hours so him & me are on the same schedule. If I was a kid I would be super excited that my mom was dating someone who looks like they could be a character actor at Disneyland.

Here's Peter with the list-

The guys have a blast babysitting because they are getting to do everything they normally do, drink & mess around with each other. I vote for this kid to replace Hair Straightener. They're the same size, weight, & at least this kid doesn't have a shitty band he wants to talk about. I don't know if anyone in Bravo casting reads this but please consider it.

Meanwhile, the Kweens head to Rachael’s parents’ gorgeous vacation house in Palm Springs. Palm Springs is about a 2 hour drive so that’s far enough away to get out of the dark, smoggy cloud that is Ariana's "personality". This house is bigger & more beautifully decorated than any of the houses in Real Housewives of Potomac by the way. (I know this is off topic but HOW THE FUCK did RHOP already get renewed for a season 2 & I had to spend every night praying that Southern Charm would come back & spending everyday tweeting Andy Cohen till one day he finally tweeted back at me to stop bothering him about it. I'm not kidding) Anyway back to this-

Rachael’s parents aren't there so Kween Kristen says they can act like a bunch of teenagers. You know drinking, smoking, wearing insanely small clothes, so pretty much what they do every week. They sit out by the pool on the golf course surrounded by people old enough to make Ken look like a twink. Even though she's sitting with her best friends with a full chalice of vodka she doesn't look happy. Instead she's spraying the air with bug spray, "It feels like the devil just shat me out into this mars planet where there’s desert, unbearable heat, & old people" It is true, Palm Springs is like God's waiting room with no air conditioning.

Kristen says that Ichabod Crane keeps texting her & Rachael & Stassi both look at her the way I look at someone when they say they're voting for Trump. If that were me, I would have taken her phone made sure all her good selfies were saved to her iCloud & then thrown it in the fucking pool.

Lala Vasquez Kent has gone full brunette & is wearing clothes that aren't see through mesh & small stud earrings, is she joining the witness protection program? Because I barely recognized her. She asks Ichabod what was with him bringing the random to the beach party that turned into a "Sketch Off". He says that he's still into Kristen which what he means is "I'm still really into Kristen because she gets me more camera time & it's really draining pretending to like Max". I feel bad for Mute Max, can he not see that DJ Dickhole is just using him?! I know his teeth were fucked but now that they're fixed can we please get his vision checked out because he's fucking blind.

Lala tells Tilda Swinton's ghost that if he's still into Kristen "be an adult & take the bitch to dinner" so not only is she reading books, she's now also quoting Dr.Phil.

Jax & Hair Straightener have to work behind the bar together & it's only 2.5 seconds before he mentions his band. Normally Mr. Debbie Downer works with his Mrs., but I guess Ariana was too busy coaching Tina Fey & Amy Poehler. Hair Straightener tells Jax how he's mad that he told Kristen & Rachel what Little Ms No Sunshine said about their comedy show.

"It wasn't cool of you to tell them that & blow it completely out of proportion & put us in an awkward position."

UM this was one of the FEW times on the show Jax was being honest. You let your miserable gash of a girlfriend sit there and rag on Kristen & Rachael, & then you're mad at Jax that he told them the truth about it? Tom asks him why Jax didn't stick up for him instead of throwing him under the bus. Stick up for you? WHAT IS THERE TO POSSIBLY DEFEND?

Tom says, "I don't get attention at the expense of other people". No, that's your  girlfriends job- besides being the most famous sketch comedy actress no one has ever heard of. It must be hard to be a comedic actress when you don't physically have the ability to smile. She should go see Lisa's friend Dr. Paul Nasiff about that because I'm starting to think she has Bell's Palsy.

Back in Palm Springs, Scheana & Katie show up to surprise the girls. They ring the doorbell & the girls have no idea who it is.

They walk into the kitchen & Stassi's face is even more shocked than when Jax walked into that birthday dinner in Vegas on her birthday and ripped his chunky white sweater off. Katie walks in meaning business saying, "The reason I came is to talk to this one". Maybe it's just because I'm on my period, but seeing the look on Stassi's face when Katie says c'mon lets go talk & grabs her hand gives me emotional feels that are normally reserved for the beginnings of animal rescue videos on YouTube before you get to the happy ending where you see the picture of the animal now all healthy & with a shiny coat.

Katie & Stassi sit down in a room away from the girls- they don't show it but I'm sure the girls are completely silent trying to eavesdrop, I know I would be. They sit down & Katie tells her how much it hurt to be completely cut out of her life after being in it for so long & being such a dedicated friend to her. Stassi tells her she's sorry a million times & tries to explain the reason she cut Katie out was because she was so hurt about her hanging out with Scheana & going to her bachelorette party in Miami after the whole sex tape thing. She tells her how much she cares about her, & misses her, & you can see in her eyes that she would give up her whole closet (well, suitcase because she's squatting) just to have Katie back in her life.

I think every girl watching this can relate to what’s going on, because we have all had a devastating fight with our best friend & BFF breakups are so much more painful & complicated then boyfriend breakups. Even though Happy Tom already invited Stassi to the engagement party (mostly just to get Stassi to stop crying at that dinner), Katie formally invites her & they hug. To me this is a greater reunion then the Notebook. If Stassi's a bird, Katie's a bird.

Seeing the original girls all together, hugging & drinking it's like seeing the Spice Girls all together again, magical.

-They have been through an emotional therapy session rollercoaster but now lets party & take some pics!-

Ichabod Crane goes to meet him mom for lunch, which is weird because he is the spawn of Satan. His mom looks like she just got done with getting fillers 10 minutes before meeting him. She is also much shiner than the first time we saw her earlier this season when I thought she was a Janeane Garofalo impersonator.

She orders oysters, I guess so James isn't the slimiest looking thing in the scene. Nope, he still wins. He tells his mom that he got fired from pressing play on his macbook & she instantly blames Kristen, right, because if Kristen didn't exist in the world your son wouldn't be an alcoholic bus boy who is abusive to women & people's ear drums.

The mom then starts making awkward sexual innuendos about the oysters. Lisa Vanderpump’s sexual innuendos only work because she has a British accent, which his mom does not. So he got this terrible douche-y Oliver Twist accent from his dad (or George Michael). His mom then says, "You know I'm a dirty bitch".

She's trying to be Regina George’s mom & it's not working. You're not the cool mom; you're the mom who sounds like she still wishes she could breast feed.

She says that she's never seen Kristen without a drink in her hand-um, how many times have you actually met Kristen? 0-2 times? And your demon of a son is normally holding not a glass but an entire bottle of alcohol in his hand so lets stop pointing your un-manicured finger at Kristen.

He then tells her "You're one to talk"

"Don't compare me to Kristen, have some respectttt, I'm your motherrrrr"-

Jack Skellington says how it's true what they say about sons dating their moms & that Kristin & his mom are basically the same person with their drinking habits. He says that his mom drank while he was a child. Did he mean to say, "While she was WITH child?" because his face looks like he has fetal alcohol syndrome.

He says that his plan is "quit alcohol, get a MASSIVE 6 pack, kill the album-

His mom says "And get a big, massive billboard with Calvin Klein underwear baby, THAT's what I want to see!"

Well that makes you the one person on the planet that wants to see it, because when you think of Calvin Klein you think Mark Wahlberg, Justin Beiber, & James Kennedy. Calvin Klein? Do you mean Fruit of the Loom Kids? Because your son not only acts, but is still hung like a child.

SO many unanswered questions this episode-

-Who do you think takes "Zombies & Princess" more seriously, Charlie or Ariana?-What do you think George Michael would have to say about James' Oedipus complex?

-Does anyone get a "Flowers in the Attic" vibe from Satan's scrotum & his mom? Because I sure do

-Seriously, where are Gaysian & Faith? Did we just leave Faith on the beach that day because production forgot to bring her back in the van?

-

Sketch Seriously

We open the show with the girls lingerie shopping together & I'm not sure if this is a real scene or just a day dream fantasy the guys are having when they are supposed to be making mediocre overpriced PUMPtinis.

I guess it's not a dream because Ariana is there. Scheana says she invited Ariana lingerie shopping because the two need to reconnect & work on their friendship so that's why she extended the invite for her to come along while her & Katie looked for lingerie. I'm shocked Ariana came; not because of her made up problems with Scheana which I still don't understand, but it's not like Ariana really needs an excuse to be annoyed, scowling is her "Blue Steel".

I can't even picture Ariana in lingerie. Not that she doesn't have a great body, because she does. I will never deny that she's pretty & thin because I'm not going to Jax Taylor you. I just can't picture her buying lingerie; it's like picturing Wednesday Adams in lingerie.

Katie & Scheana, the happy care bears, are having fun & laughing, meanwhile Grumpy Bear complains about every fabric & color. I was waiting for her to launch into, "Did you know where these garments are made & how they treat the factory workers who make them? It's disgusting!"

I was surprised that the one girl missing from this scene (besides Faith as she is missing from almost every scene, and probably the country in general) is Lala. It just doesn't seem like her to miss an opportunity to be in hot lingerie but maybe it's because there was no water around which we know is her siren song.

The next scene is a recording studio with Mute Max on an acoustic guitar; he makes more sounds on this acoustic guitar in 5 seconds than I have ever heard Max make in 4 seasons of the show. So NOW we understand how Busser/DJ Dickhole has managed to stay on the show after he used Kween Kristen for airtime, make sure you get in with sweet Max, your boss's son. Ichabod Crane sits outside the booth & gives him bullshit notes like he's Timbaland instead of what he really is - Tilda Swinton's ghost.

"Ya know what I mean mate. Just make it more, ya know what I mean (spastic hand motions), just like that, ya know mate! Yeah you know just more like this."(more spinning hand motions around his head)

I feel like yelling, "More Cow Bell!" would have been more useful than what this piece of shit just told of him. Bless Max's heart for just politely looking at him & smiling his new grill. (Good for you Max! You can't even tell you're British anymore if I was just going by your teeth!) And then just continues to play his music because he actually knows how to.

Where outside the booth DJ Dickhole is sitting next to the guy who is actually pressing buttons! He is literally doing nothing besides sitting in a chair bobbing his massive head; it's like watching Jack Skellington try to be a P Diddy.

Ichabod Crane says he is making a PUMP CD (aka Lisa & Ken are producing a CD for Max to have his music on & letting James take credit & put his name on it). He says that this is the greatest achievement of his life so far. You know what would be another great achievement in your life James? Sterilization.

This is a direct quote because God knows I could never be this good of a writer -

"I don't mean to sound conceited, but I'm the white fucking Kanye West."

No you're like the white Chris Brown but without the talent, or money.

If anything, I wish you were like Donda West.

Next we see the The Toms at a Tattoo removal place because Mr. Debbie Downer is getting the bacon A taken off his ass because Ariana doesn't like it -SHOCKING. She is the human version of Eeore, always moping around & permanently has a nail shoved up her ass.

Happy Tom tries to convince him to keep it because it's a memento of their Vegas trip together. In his mind it's like a dude version of friendship bracelets but on their ass cheeks. Don't be sad Happy Tom, that's exactly what Ariana wants! Don't let her convert you! We see Tom get his Tattoo removed by a machine that looks like it's from an alien spaceship . He keeps saying how painful this is to go thru & I have to say as a viewer, watching you sob uncontrollably to Kristen in Miami was personally WAY more painful to watch.

The next day Jax comes over to help Mr. & Ms. Debbie Downer get rid of their hideous couch which is a shame because at least it matched everything else in the apartment. This is the same couch that Kristen & Jax hooked up on years ago btw; great feng shui you guys! Maybe that's the reason you lack the ability to have any joy in life; your happiness corner has been blocked this whole time! OK, well let's hope moving this couch is the magical cure!

Jax shows off that muscle milk steroid strength & moves the couch down the tiny hallway & stairs. Thankfully Hair Straightener wore his tank top and his workout wool beanie to really get the job done. Once we get outside Little Miss No Sunshine pounds water like she just did a lot of heavy lifting when instead she's just lubricating those vocal cords for a lot of monotone complaining.

"Scheana told me, that you told her, that Tom & I were upset that night because Tom wanted to talk about his band."

I don't even understand what that means.

Tom says he didn't even talk about them that much, but someone mentioning their band even once is still one too many times for me. Unless your band is NSYNC, I don't give a shit. The next day at the restaurant Peter the Pirate comes in to set up & asks Lala how she's doing & she says quote

Good for you Glen Coco! You go Glen Coco!

I barely even listen to the audio books I download let alone read a real one.

If you're wondering what book Lala Vasquez Kent is reading she informed us it is called "The Fountainhead". Below is the Amazon summary I copied for you -

"Published in 1943. It is a story of one man, Howard Roark, and his struggles as an architect in the face of a successful rival, Peter Keating, and a newspaper columnist, Ellsworth Toohey. But the book addresses a number of universal themes: the strength of the individual, the tug between good and evil, the threat of fascism"

I have to say, it is not the type of book I would imagine Lala reading. I thought when she said she started reading books it was going to be Amber Rose's book "How to be a Bad Bitch". Based on "The Fountainhead" summary alone it seems like one of those boring old dad books they sell at airports. I personally think LaLa should start her own book club, like Oprah, and give us her pick for the month. I think it would be fascinating.

Meanwhile at PUMP, Mother of Swans sits down with Richardson who is a waiter that Satan's Scrotum attacked last night when he was pressing play on his Macbook or as he likes to call it "DJing". Being the pusswad he is, knowing that he was in trouble, he spent all of last night texting Lisa to go easy on him at the sit down.

Unlikable Jack the Ripper showed up drunk to work. He saw Kristen in the restaurant & started screaming in front of the customers. Richardson tried to get him to calm down so he then started screaming & shoving him because he's a professional.

Lisa & Richardson start talking in fluent French in front of DJ Dickhole which I love because it's so classy and he has no idea what the fuck they are saying about him and you can see the anger & confusion in his crossed eyes.

Lisa asks Richardson to tell James exactly what he said to him because he probably doesn't remember because 1) He's a psychopath and 2) He's an alcoholic.

Richardson says very calmly in English, "What you said to me last night was - you're not talented, you're nothing, you're beneath me. I'm above you. I'm James Kennedy."

Richardson deserves Employee of the Year for eternity for not knocking him out right there!

Lisa thinks she is having a teachable moment & Dickhole is just using his baby tears to appear even more pathetic for her just to have pity on him.

Lisa - This is who you've become when you're drunk & it's not ok.

Dickhole -I say things when I'm drunk to try to hurt people.

Lisa - But who are you hurting most of all?

Dickhole - (single fake tear roles down porcelain cheek) Myself...

Please choke on a bag of dicks & die.

(obviously I mean James not Lisa and Richardson, or Hanky!)

She tells him that right now being a DJ (LOL) is not a job he is cut out for, he rolls his crossed eyes almost into the back of his head & asks if he can just be put on suspension, he says he had a revelation that night & Lisa tells him it was a revelation that came at her & her business expense he snaps "Can I finish what I'm saying or no?!"

OH HELLLLLLLLLLLLL NO

You do not speak to the Mother of Swans that way you pathetic fucking Prince Geoffrey wannabe. She calls him, "fucking disrespectful," which as you know is the nicest thing I could ever call him. She tells him, "You need to go away & grow the fuck up." His biggest concern, "But what's going to happen to the PUMP album?!?! It's my life accomplishment!" Well good news is if this is his life accomplishment, then he won't be around much longer because his job here on Earth is done & he can go back to DJing the underworld.

We cut to the beach where Katie & Happy Tom are doing their adorable engagement photos and she looks like a pinup goddess. She invited the whole group to meet them on the beach for a little day party. She is so kind she even invited Lala, Peter & Faith. I KNOW!!!!! We have visual proof that Faith is alive and well; thank you for all the prayers, Facebook posts & search teams that went out looking for her.

On the beach the group is talking about last night meeting Kristen's new boyfriend at her comedy show & for the first time all season Ariana & Tom actually look interested in something. "Wait Kristen had a comedy show?"

Scheana tells them that they all went to Kristen's comedy show where Kristen did sketches with the sketch group her best friend Rachael the stand-up comedian is in.

Little Miss Miserable - Well has she been taking sketch classes or did she just, DECIDE to start being funny.

Scheana - I thought it was really funny.

Little Miss Sunshine(now VERY defensive) - Well, if you're gonna do sketch comedy you should take a class or something.

Scheana -I don't know what she does in her free time but-

Little Miss No Sunshine - Well I take sketch comedy VERY seriously so it offends me when people just think that they can just..... do it.

Ariana you make Kristen Stewart look like Kristen Wigg. I have so many things to say about this so I'm just going to list these off to keep it short so I don't go on a 40,000 page rant.

1)WTF are you to tell ANYONE what they are qualified to do especially when it comes to performing, let alone COMEDY?! And they have to justify to you how many classes she took for you to deem she's worthy to be on stage? For someone you claim is so obsessed with "you & your boyfriend" I don't seem to remember a scene where she even talked about your show or even talks about you guys that much IN GENERAL. 2)When she says comedy, does she mean slam poetry? Because that seems much more in her wheel house. 3)I was actually in the audience at Arianna's diary show at The Improv & I have to say if anything the show edited it to make it seem way better than it actually was. A reading of Anne Frank's Diary would have been funnier than the shit we had to listen to. 4)Your entire diary show was just you accusing everyone in your college dorm of being a lesbian, OK Regina George. The only way we know Ariana isn't a lesbian is because lesbians are normally good at comedy. 5)Obviously classes don't make a difference in how well your performance turns out because look at how your show went. Sketch comedy is VERY serious. It's probably the most serious thing you can do in your life. It goes sketch actor, FBI agent, army sniper, brain surgeon, bomb detonator.

After Katie makes a great point about Ariana having a lot of opinions about a comedy show that she wasn't even at, Ariana now moves on to attacking Kristen's friend Rachael. Yeah. You know, Rachel the girl who has tried to sleep with Tom a bunch of times & thrown a drink in Ariana's straw like hair braid?

Oh wait no, Rachael is just Kristen's friend who is a stand-up comedian and who has maybe said 5 sentences on the show & has never done anything to anyone, let alone her. So when people think I'm being mean to Ariana, I'm not. THIS is being mean. So what did Rachael ever do to Ariana that would make her trash the girl’s reputation and try to kill her career on National TV? Oh yeah, she likes Kristen. She says how she doesn't think Rachael is funny & how her jokes aren't original.

Watching this was the closest I've ever gotten to throwing something at my TV. For those of you who don't know, Rachael O'brien is not just one of Kristen & Stassi's best friends, but an amazingly, hilarious comic who does at least 4 shows a week in LA, regurlarly host shows at the Improv on lineups with Chris Delia & Dane Cook, & oh yeah, just happened to go on tour last year for months ENTERTAINING THE TROOPS. When is your bartending tour Ariana? I can't wait to see what hilarious sketchy recipes you think up; I bet they'll be HILARIOUS.

There was absolutely no reason to say this about someone who has never been anything but perfectly nice to you, but to attack her & her profession and continue to nag on it and try to convince everyone why. WHY?! For what?! I don't understand what you possibly get out of this?

I'm so glad Katie called out the negative energy because for it being such a fun day that was supposed to be about celebrating an engagement & getting a nice base coat, it turned into Ariana thinking she's Lourne Michaels.

Ariana says that she's been pretending to have been having fun hanging out with them for a long time. Jesus Christ this has been her pretending to have a good time? Ariana, I'm not trying to make a joke, but you are a TERRIBLE actress, so this proves classes are bullshit.

Kristen & Rachel show up the beach & Jax tells Kristen what Ariana said about the comedy show & Rachel & Kween Kristen handles it like a boss. Not like Season 2 Kristen, but Season 4 Kristen who is a good friend & a woman who respects herself & her best friend & isn't going to let some miserable gash talk shit about them because she's jealous.

Kristen confronts her about what she was saying about their show & Rachel before they got there. Ariana says, "I don't think your jokes are original & I've been doing comedy for 10 years." Wow, I would not say that. That makes your Improv show even MORE embarrassing. It would have been just as mediocrely bad if you had said you had been doing comedy for 10 minutes but 10 years?!

Kristen tells Ariana she's not a stand-up comedian because she's not. Ariana says Kristen isn't a sketch actor, which doesn't make sense why Ariana thinks she's a sketch actor because she's been in sketches but when other people do sketches that doesn't count. Apparently Ariana thinks sketch comedy is like MENSA, only more elitist & selective.

I was at the sketch show and it was hilarious, and I would have had no idea Kristen had never done sketch before if someone hadn't told me & if you can't tell already by my blog, I love to make fun of everyone &judge everything & she fucking killed it. Where the only thing Ariana kills is the energy in the room.

Ariana says that, "I'm friends with some of the funniest people in the world." OK, well, funny isn't transferable like an STD you got when you hooked up with Tom in the pool at the Golden Nugget when he cheated on Kristen with you. So just because you have funny friends doesn't make you yourself funny. Just like me having thin friends doesn't make me thin. Although to quote Lala, "that would be dope".

Tom - "She didn't say what you said that she said." Why don't you save the Shel Silverstein poem for the next diary show Tom. God knows Ariana needs help with her material.

So many unsanwered questions this episode.

What does Ariana take more seriously, herself or comedy? WHERE is Hanky? And Gaysain? What would you rather buy, a book written by Lala or a CD by James? WTF are they selling PUMP CDs?! My computer doesn't even has a place for CD's anymore! This isn't a question just a statement - gun to my head between having to listen to Ariana do comedy or James DJ - I choose gun. THANKFULLY OUR GOD ANDY COHEN HAS HEARD OUR PRAYERS AND IS GIVING US WHAT WE WANT TONIGHT - OUR ORIGINAL BITCHES ARE BACK!!!

Bitchy Ghost Whisperer

Lala Vasquez Kent & Dani her roommate/SUR coworker (who we have never seen before until now) decide to throw a housewarming party even though Lala's lived in the apartment for 2 years. I guess a housewarming party is like your period, better late than never.

Her apartment is huge & way classier than I thought it would be; I'm honestly shocked. I was expecting to see Marilyn Monroe pictures everywhere & a stripper pole. Lala is a little nervous about having people over saying, "I'm not like the best host in the world," don't worry hoops, it's just hosting a party! It's not like your job is to be a professional hostess! Oh wait.

Never before seen Dani & she talk about who they invited

NBSD - I only invited Kristina & Stassi

Hoops - Schaena & her husband, Ariana,Tom & I texted Jax inviting him

Does anyone see anything weird about this guest list besides the fact 4 out of the 6 people they invited don't talk/even like Stassi, or the fact she invited Jax who the last we saw, she had a huge fight with both him & his girlfriend in Hawaii. Oh wait, I know...

WHERE IS TOKEN FAITH!? Has anyone heard anything from the Hawaii Five 0 about her disappearance?

Where is Peter's invite? Or is he busy taking pictures with tourists outside Grauman's Chinese Theater dressed as Jack Sparrow?

What about Max & his teeth? Yes, I get he is dentally handicapped, but he can't help it he's British! (kind of)

Or where is that mute Gaysian waiter with the faux hawk we see sometimes in the background?

tumblr_o2o4eerqk11qk08n1o1_500

If there's only 6 people coming to your party then it's more of a group hang, but atleast there's still more people coming to your "party" than have ever come to a DJ James Kennedy concert.

Even though the party is at night, Kristina Kelly, aka the Lilly Aldridge of SUR, & Queen Stassi show up early; like it's still broad daylight outside but maybe they just wanted to get a head start on not eating. This is Stassi's old apartment & Lala lives in her old room, which is probably the closest she'll ever get to sleeping with Jax.

Our favorite convict comes back to SUR because his 2 week school suspension is over & he can finally get back to making mediocre drinks. First, he has to check in with Mother of Swan's, Lisa, & she says how she wants, "Jax Taylor to stop thinking about Jax Taylor." That's unfair. He doesn't just think about himself; he also thinks of girls he wants to fuck. Also, I think we should applaud Jax for thinking about anything at all.

Lisa says what Jax did in Hawaii was all about him & she wants him to do things for other people. UUMMM he stole sunglasses for his girlfriend; that is doing something for someone else! Plus, in the past he has been very generous with his saliva & semen.

She tells him he has to help with the clothing driving she's doing with those homeless teens they trotted out in the beginning of the season. She tells him she wants him & the Toms to donate clothes to their clothing drive - perfect! Give the kleptomanic the job of getting lots of items together.

Plus, aren't these underprivileged teens lives hard enough and now on top of that the guys are going to give them old Ed Hardy tank tops & knit caps? I think Tom Sandoval would rather donate his spleen than have to give away any of his H&M jewelry.

Klepto tells Tom & Ariana he was invited to the housewarming party but he doesn't think it's the best idea if he goes. Really Jax? You don't think going to the apartment of the ghetto gypsy who insulted your girlfriend & tried to fuck you is a good idea? See you guys, he IS growing up!

The first guests to arrive are Tom & Ariana; well now it's officially not a party. She & Tom are wearing giant hoop earrings in honor of the hostess and also just because those two are HILARIOUS! But to be honest, it's not like Hair Straightener ever needs an excuse to wear more accessories.

Stassi & Kristina sit at the kitchen table two feet away from Mr. & Ms. Prop Comedy Duo surrounded by Trader Joes cheeses which by this time have been sitting out for at least six hours. Tom & Ariana don't even acknowledge them.

The girls decide to make shots as an icebreaker. Tom & Ariana take the shots with the same dead behind the eyes look they always have. They have as much charisma as the pretzel bowl.

Sheena enters in a fun romper & walks right up to the Queen and hands her a bottle of PinotGrigio with a blue ribbon, in honor of this iconic moment.

That was a fantastic opening move. It involves all of Stassi's favorite things - wine, the color blue, and you giving her something.

Everyone keeps separately talking about how awkward this is & how they need another shot to make it go better. Yes, because if we've learned anything from this group, alcohol improves the situation...

Shay says, "Seeing Stassi is almost like seeing a ghost, but a bitchy ghost, like a bitch ghost, like a ghost that's a bitch."

Hair Straighter decides to come over probably because Stassi was sitting next to the closest mirror in the house. Even though he's already said many times he has no intention of ever wanting to have a relationship with her, he still decides that he needs to go over & talk out of his mouth hole.

"Just so you know, you living with Kristen kills everything you've ever stood for. What that tells me about you is that all your problems with Katie & Scheana are completely hypocritical." WOAH! Someone's on a high pedestal made of empty hair gel containers.

He says how Stassi is now "crawling back because the bitch is homeless & desperate"

Well if she's homeless I guess she can always live between the Anna Paquin space between your teeth Tom.

Tom just because you sometimes wear fake glasses & look like Rachael Maddow, doesn't mean you're the moral compass of this show. And since the problem ISN'T with you or your delightful comedy partner, why the fuck do you care? Shouldn't you be saving your voice for your shitty band rehearsal?!

At least one thing about this party was successful, Stassi & Scheana finally make up about the tape scandal, so now Stassi has made up with Kristen, Happy Tom, Scheana, and all that's left now is Katie, who's Stassi's personal Mt. Everest.

Meanwhile, Jax, Katie & the Tom I do like go to a Mexican restaurant. At least when Jax is eating spicy mexican food, it gives him an excuse for looking red & sweaty. At the dinner, Tom tells Katie that he invited Stassi to their engagement party even though Katie & her haven't spoken since the fall out over a year ago. I just loved how Tom broke the news because he just stared straight forward making no eye contact like he was a kid taking his drivers test & Katie was the instructor.

Jax & the Toms go over to Lisa's house with their "donation" piles. No surprise that most of the things Jax is donating still have the security tags on them. All the guys are looking at Ken's donation pile and start shopping through it & trying his dress shirts on. It must be weird to be in Ken's shirts because they're regurlary sized whereas the only clothes these guys wear look like they've been spray painted on them.

The guys see a boudoir picture of Lisa that's showing nipple & stare at it saying they are taking mental pictures for their "spank bank." Once again, they spent 3 more minutes staring at this black & white photo of Lisa's boobs than they ever did looking at Faith's boobs in the flesh.

Lisa summons Happy Tom down to talk to him about why he was backing out of working with the Vanderpump Sangria. Although, is it really considered quitting if he never started working in the first place? And wasn't both of the Tom's business plan to just be brand ambassadors for the brand but do it pro bono? Is that just you standing in front of the Costco sample display table "charity" modeling?

If you're going to quit on any Real Housewife alcohol job, I'm glad it's with Lisa & not Bethanny Frankel. Could you imagine? She would rip your head off, drain your body & be hawking "Skinny Girl Blood" in no time.

She tells him he needs to be serious about his future now that he's engaged & he can't just keep focusing on modeling & acting auditions. Instead, he needs a solid career. Maybe Tom should become a swan & pomeranian breeder; Lisa's the only client he would need his whole life.

The next night there is an event at PUMP & Lisa can't believe that Happy Tom showed up wearing one of the shirts that Ken donated to less fortunate. I honestly don't think this is a problem because technically Tom is less fortunate than Lisa & Ken.

This is a lovely picture of Ellen Degeneres

The anti christ finally appears in the episode & he must have gotten done with filling the ketchup bottles early because he was allowed to bring out his Macbook & plug in his auxiliary cord to "DJ" his iTunes playlist for the captive audience.

After the event, the group goes to hang out at the Wedding Picture Gallery aka Scheana's living room. Jax says how Southern Angel Brittany is going to be weighing down her wings a little bit by getting breast implants that he's paying for (or stealing from someone else's body). Oh my fucking god you guys, did Faith have breast implants? Is that what happened to her?! Someone needs to go check Jax's studio apartment for her body & grey weave right now! It should take all of 6 seconds since he has tattoos bigger than his apartment.

Rachel Maddow tells Jax that Tom invited Stassi to the engagement party & Jax's face is literally so big & red that he looks like Hellboy. He starts getting on Tom about how insulting that is to Katie & how Stassi targeted him because she knew he was "the weakest link." Poor Tom, can't you just leave him & his old Ken shirt alone?

Rachel Maddow tells him to lay off of Tom who just gets up politely from the couch & walks away to let them continue to argue with each other. Jax, who has now gone from red to a sweaty maroon color, says, "Stop acting like you're the number one fucking guy in the group man. I'm the number one fucking guy. I'M THE NUMBER ONE FUCKING GUY." Like they're Justin Timberlake & JC Chasez fighting backstage.

Rachel Maddow tells him, "Thats fucked up," and walks away to I assume clean up some Sambukaor but more likely comb his hair 100 times.

Hellboy says how Hair Straightner doesn't have the right to be mad because he's just being honest. Yes, because we all know that we can always count on Jax for 100% complete honesty...

So many questions about this episode

How much longer do we wait before we put out an Amber Alert for Faith, Peter & Max? Did Giggy donate any of his custom crushed velvet tuxedos to homeless dogs? Do you think LaLa will get jealous when she sees this episode & realizes that someone showed nipple and it wasn't her? Do you think Jax has a rewards card at the plastic surgeon's office by now?

Once again I apologize everything was so late this week but finally I have my life back to myself & I won't make my kittens wait like that again. Talk to me tell me what you thought about this episode & if you've thought of anyways we can James deported!

Love you!!!

The Mother of Swans

Aloha! We're finally back from Hawaii after Jax's release from jail for stealing sunglasses. We're no longer in a jail cell,we are now in some place much more confining- his studio apartment. We see his bicycle that is hanging on the wall above his futon bed which is technically in the kitchen/living room/bedroom. No wonder he was trying to steal sunglasses, I wouldn't want to look directly at this shit either.

Or maybe he was trying to steal sunglasses because the halo around Brittany's head is so bright. Seriously, have we checked that she's real? Or is she like Giggy where she's a robot, no one is that gentle & perfect, especially not in reality TV. Jax is crying saying how the worst part of all of this was having to see the look of disappointment on Brittany's face when he got out of jail. If only he had still had those sunglasses to shield his eyes from that disproving look. I think it's so sweet how much Jax truly loves her because literally everyone has looked at Jax with disgust & disappointment, sometimes multiple times an episode, but this is the first time we have ever seen him genuinely upset & ashamed by his behavior.

Ariana begrudgingly drops off Jax's suitcase that he left in Hawaii because he was selfishly busy being arrested & getting to take that free guided tour of the Hawaii police department. "This is the consequence of you getting arrested in Hawaii, your "friend," who doesn't even really like you that much most of the time, has to lug this 80 lb bag back to your apartment in Koreatown." Yes, that does seem like the BIGGEST consequence of being arrested, Ariana. I'm sure he interrupted your packed schedule. How did you still manage to find time in the day to do all your complaining & eye rolling exercises? An 80 lb bag is nothing for her because that's the weight of the giant chip she permanently has on her shoulder.

Back at SUR everyone is talking about Jax's arrest because honestly what else are they going to talk about? It's not likes they're retelling any of Tom or Arianna's jokes. Peter the pirate is probably going to try to get tips on how to steal a buried treasure. Lala from Saved the Last Dance & Ichabod Crane are gossiping at the hostess stand while he smokes his cigarette like he's a mime. I have never in my life seen someone smoke a cigarette like this. It's like he's an alien doing a bad impression of a human trying to smoke. Smoking a cigarette is what I imagine it's like to blow porcelain Satan, holding something small, white & disgusting up to your face that is filled with disgusting shit that will give you diseases.

Lala says how, "There's nothing hot about a guy straight out of jail because he stole a pair of sunglasses, like if he was some sexy drug dealer, had a shit ton of money, THAT'S hot. You stealing sunglasses is lame as fuck." Lala needs to become prison pen pals with El Chapo.

Although I do see lip liners point - one of my movie crushes is Scarface - he's a millionaire cocaine dealer who buys his wife a tiger for a wedding present. I get to be thin & glamorous my whole life with a ton of excess energy to play with my pet tiger in my Miami mansion? Where do I sign up? I don't care how many people me or my tiger have to kill.

Tom says how, "Jax isn't good with being good." If only Jax was as good as hair straighteners vocabulary. Ariana says, "I can't believe I even did such a favor like this for Jax so he better not act like a dick." Oh I'm sorry, did I miss the part where she donated her kidney to him and put it IN the suitcase? Move over Britney, there's a new angel in town! Bartender, hero, ruiner of fun- what can't this girl do? Besides smile.

Back at Kween Kristen's apartment she has Katie & Scheana over for topas & they discuss Jax's arrest. Scheana says how it's one thing to steal bottles of Vanderpump vodka but its completely different & wrong to steal a pair of $300 sunglasses. Scheana needs to take up law, she could be the brunette Elle Woods, or at least Erin Brockovich because they both have a love for crop tops.

Kristen has been hanging out with one of Jax's friends (already a red flag) named Kevin and after a week of hanging out he moved in. I thought only lesbians moved in with each other after the first date. He is squatting at Kristen's apartment like she's a fucking Air B&B. He's already moved in & told her that he loves her. More happened for Kristen in a week with a guy than I've had in 26 years on Earth. Kevin is the crossfit version of Isla Fischer's character in Wedding Crashers - aka The Stage 5 Clinger.

Kristen tries to bring up how her & Stassi have been spending time together & how Stassi really misses her friendship with them. Scheana shuts this down immediately like she's the president of the SUR sorority & says, "We, me, Jax & others don't want her around so she will not be welcomed at all, she doesn't deserve it." Well it looks like Stassi isn't getting a bid to join the sisterhood of the traveling purple Ed Hardy dresses anytime soon.

Jax & the Toms go to visit southern Mother Teresa at her first day at the Hooters here in West Hollywood (she used to work at the one in KY). I wonder if that's why I have such a soul connection with this saint. I too have worn the orange bike shorts, panty hose, and bunchy leg warmer socks. Yes, I was a Hooters girl when I was in college in Florida. So the fact that Brittany & I have both served our share of "Flappetizers" makes us connected. Jax shows off his Hooters VIP card that gets him 50% off, which is the closest thing you can get to an Amex Black Card.

Back at Kristen's we see her in the kitchen going about her day while Stage 5 Clinger just sits on the couch & plays with his phone like he's her son home from college. Just like Giggy, this guy will not move. Even though he should know better to fucking peel himself off of the couch & bow to the floor because our queen Stassi has arrived. This clinger peasant just sits. This plebeian is not worthy.

Kristen continues to prove what a talented actress she is by trying to completely ignore Kevin who is the human version of Scheana's wedding canvas pictures - both are giant & have absolutely no reason to be in the living room. Kristen asks Stassi if she wants, "Wine, mimosas, tequila or D-all of the above?" And we have this amazing exchange

THIS! These are the one liners that we have so dearly missed. Kristen's human leech says, "Are you sure that wine has to deal with antibiotics?"

UMMMM EXSQUEEZE ME STAGE 5!?!?! I must have missed your wine & anti biotics segment on Dr.Oz. If you're a doctor you should get back to Cedars for your rounds instead of continuing to suck Kween Kristen & her refrigerator dry. Who gave you permission to make eye contact let alone speak?!

Also, even if she wanted to drink a cocaine & heroin smoothie it's none of your fucking business because no one knows who the fuck you are & why they're still having to share the same oxygen with you.

Stassi sits down to have girl talk with Kristen because she's going through a rough time in her relationship right now. This is personal & painful for her to discuss so of course couch squatter does the polite thing and continues to sit right there & slowly blink at them. Stassi is really opening up about all her insecurities about herself in relationships & this sack of flour decides to interject his thoughts. Here's all of our thoughts - if we need advice on where to go get a ridiculously douchey faux hawk to make us look like an unemployed hipster lumber jack we will let you know. Until then keep your mouth shut, you have jack-o-lantern teeth & I want them out of sight.

He then tries to compare his week long relationship to the struggles that Stassi is going through with her relationship of 2 years. That's like telling a person who lost their leg that you know how they feel because you once stubbed your toe. WHY IS THIS BEARD TALKING & TAKING UP VALUABLE KRISTEN & STASSI CAMERA TIME? Why can't every guy be like Max Vanderpump & just shut the fuck up!?

They start talking about Jax's fetish for being a kleptomaniac & Stassi tells us how after she brought Jax home for Christmas one year, that her dad later called her & told her that all of his girlfriend's expensive lingerie had gone missing. I'm more disturbed by the fact Jax was rooting around her dad's girlfriend's underwear drawer to begin with. Also, who gives stolen, USED lingerie to someone? Maybe Jax isn't a thief as much as an environmentalist who's really trying to re-purpose items.

Stassi then pulls out a Mui Mui wallet that she nostalgically tells us was the first thing Jax ever stole for her. Which is sort of romantic in a way; he's like Aladdin but with more plastic surgery & worse apartment. I don't know why I'm just now realizing that Peter the pirate is a turban away from looking exactly like Jafar. Why is Peter managing shift schedules at SUR when he could be one of the stars of Disney's Main Street parade? He has made terrible career & hairstyle decisions. Also. why doesn't he own a parrot?! Both characters have the same accessory!!! Seriously, I can't believe I'm just giving out these million dollar ideas for free.

Meanwhile back at Hooters, Jax informs us that Kevin is still technically living with his girlfriend (NOT Kristen). Is this beard from Utah? Does he think it's normal to have a harem of girls to date? This is fucking Vanderpump Rules, not the Bachelor - on this show you only date & live with one person and then discreetly cheat with someone on the side, but you don't move in with two different girls & go back & forth to your double life. Maybe he left his brain & personality in his real girlfriend's apartment because he certainly did not bring it to Kristen's.

Kristen offers Stassi to move in with her while she figures out her relationship & living situation. I'm sorry Bey & Jay Z but this is the REAL power couple we have been waiting for.

Jax is summoned to the kingdom, aka Villa Rosa, & has to face the queen of diamonds, roses & silk rhinestoned blouses. Lisa tries to get into Jax's brain about why he does these things.

She asks him why he thinks it's OK to steal everything from vodka to sunglasses and even his best friend's girlfriend. Lisa says it's not about what he took, it's about the principal of it, and that as a business owner she's very sensitive to that. I give Jax a lot of credit because as a klepto going to Lisa's house must be like a recovering drug addict going to a party at Charlie Sheen's - there's just so much temptation. I mean I want to steal everything that Lisa owns (except for Ken).

Lisa says how she can't trust Jax. I'm sorry, you can't trust Jax but you trusted James to administer your only son's dental medication while away on vacation? Her judgment of character is as off as the placement of those false eyelashes of hers. Lisa darling, you are a real life queen from a story book, you live in a castle surrounded by a million roses, you have a moat with swans in it, you have white unicorn ponies in your backyard, you walk through your sprawling mansion carrying around a small dog in a custom made velvet tuxedo - you spare no expense when it comes to literally everything else - except eyelashes & a good glue. I don't get what is happening here. Are these Ardell eyelashes from the beauty aisle at Walgreens her way of saying, "See!? I'm still one of you regular people! I have my maid Rosia put my pants on for me one leg at a time"

Lisa asks Jax to justify why she should still keep him as an employee & how he isn't a hazard to the restaurant. Um, if we want to talk about a hazard, why don't we talk about the human sized douche bag that handles the silverware we eat off of. What do you think the California Health Department would have to say if they knew a 105 lb Summers Eve pump was wiping down tables? He's a real health hazard, it's amazing a customer hasn't choked on their own vomit when they see him moving to the beat of his iTunes playlist from his sticker adorned laptop. He is the human version of bird flu. James is like a bird in a lot of ways: similar bone structure, beady eyes, same sized penis, & the only thing they produce is shit - which is exactly what his music is. I feel badly comparing animals to Satan's scrotum because I am the biggest animal lover & even the worst animal (which we can all agree is Kim Richard's dog Kingsley, even he doesn't deserve to be compared to this dickhole).

Jax is exiled from the kingdom & put on suspension from SUR like it's high school & Jax is the Zach Morris who needs to learn his lesson. Oh that Jax!!! Basically Lisa just gave him a two week vacation, which is perfect because he needs some R&R after his Hawaii vacation 3 days ago. Jax, Britney & Kristen get together for drinks. Kristen's tick with a beard shows up & Jax asks Beard point blank if he has a girlfriend. Beard says no. Kristen says that he did tell her that he has a girlfriend. Beard's alibi starts to deteriorate before our eyes & he admits that yes he did/does/at one point/maybe possibly in the future something something about a girlfriend.

This waste of perfectly good camera time is waved off by Kween Kristen like the annoying house fly he is. Kristen is finally using all of her cool, confident power she has in her, and without even having to raise her voice, she just gestured him off like she's a real life Mariah Carey & I'm living for it. Vote Doute & Schroeder 2016.

The next day Stassi & Kristen are at the apartment & Stassi says how she is going to go talk to Lisa. I give Stassi a lot of credit because instead of talking to Lisa, why not just stay there and talk about how pretty you both are. That's literally all I would talk about. Well, that and ways to poison DJ rat face without it being traced back to us. I mean, how do you poison someone who doesn't eat? (Hhhhmmm, clearly more thought must be put into this plan. Let's workshop it & come back with some more ideas next recap shall we?)

Stassi tells Kristen that the day she moved to NYC to be with her boyfriend she got a call about how an ex boyfriend was trying to sell a video of her doing the m word. Lisa called her & said he came into the restaurant blackmailing Stassi for $900 or he was going to leak the tape. This is so despicable for so many obvious reasons, the fact a human would even do this, the fact there is a "human" out there even more despicable than James? And  - I'm sorry but $900?!?!?!

Don't you think that is the weirdest amount to ask for? Even completely clothed she's fucking priceless, & you are demanding $900 for this tape, to what, pay your months rent in your culver city shit hole? It's just such an odd amount to pick, what made him stop & go "$1,000 is too expensive, $750 is too low, I know...$900!!! That's perfect!"

$900? Even if you had $90,000 it won't even begin to cover the surgery you're going to need if I ever run into you, or OVER you with my g wagon. I will cut off your pathetic excuse for a dick & feed it to Hanky the sick swan who is slowly but surely recovering from his eating disorder. If this baby Hitler is reading my blog, which let's be honest, who isn't, and you see a black g wagon, be afraid. Be very afraid. I have no job at the moment so I literally have all the time in the world to hunt you down. Like Liam Neison, ''I have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you."

Stassi says how she told Lisa she wasn't going to give this piece of shit $900 & it just goes to prove again why she is queen & should be president - SHE DOESN'T FUCKING NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS.

She said how Lisa later called her back & told her that "she had taken care of it". Lisa went & paid him in cash, with no record of it or signed contract. The paying for everything in all cash was very Italian of her but the trusting his word wasn't. We Italians never trust anyone except family.

Also, why the fuck did Lisa trust this Rick Solomon/Ray J wannabe but you're still not sure if you can trust Jax?!? I'm sorry but in what world is the  word of a blackmailing pornographer more trust worthy than the sunglass hut hamburglars? Once again they weren't Dana Wilkey's sunglasses!!!

Stassi says how she needs to see Lisa face to face & has to quote, "Go kiss the ring."

Stassi quoting The Godfather is everything & so brilliantly accurate for the dynamic of this whole show..

For some reason we waste time on a random cut away of unlikable Jack Skellington & Lala at a modeling shoot. The founders of the company are brothers who say their idea for their line was, "Matching male underwear & socks." We may not have a cure for cancer or AIDS, but ground breaking products like this makes me feel like we are one step closer. Today, matching underwear & socks. Tomorrow flying cars. I didn't know a sock line could get more pathetic than when skinny Rob Kardashian (may he RIP) came out with that god awful Arthur George line. If a Kardashian product couldn't even break into the sock market, wtf shot do you think you and your doofus brother have?

Ichabod Crane begins his "modeling"? The only thing that makes James a model is his anorexia. That's it. In that case, Hanky could be a model. He certainly has more talent than James, and would probably look more natural while smoking a cigarette.

This shoot is hard to watch for so many reasons but also because I feel like Jared Fogel having to look at Evil Porcelain doll in underwear. James has the face of baby, a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome, but still a baby. How many matching socks did we have to stuff with to make him look like he's gone through puberty? I can't stop thinking about is how weird it must be for Lala to be wearing this much clothing, for her this is practically Amish.

Finally we cut back to the showdown we have all been waiting for, this is Vanderpump Rules fans version of the Manny Pacquiao Floyd Mayweather fight. Stasis's green dress she wears to SUR gives me such outfit envy that I'm pretty much the same shade of green as the dress now. Bravo needs to look into having a running feed on the bottom whenever the girls are on screen telling us what brand each piece of clothing is. Obviously when I say all the girls, I just mean Stassi, Kristen,Katie & Scheana ( and none for Ariana,La La or Gretchen Weiners, k bye.) If Stassi is having to grovel, at least she's going to look bomb while doing it.

I'm nervous just watching her walk up to Lisa; this is scarier than any Hawaiian jail cell you could be stuck in. She is having to walk up & confront the Mother of Swans herself.

Seeing these two come face to face is like seeing Lady Gaga & Madonna go head to head, different generations, same HBIC status.

Stassi says, "I know I'm probably the last person you want to see."

Lisa looks up slowly from her business planner and gives her a look that is so chilling it made me shiver just watching it from the safety of my cat haired covered couch.  She says in the most proper passive aggressive way that only British people can pull off and still sound perfectly polite, "This OLD WOMAN is kind of busy, isn't that the last thing you called me in public Stassi? I don't have any interest in anything you have to say."

Stassi starts trying to apologize about the way she handled the situations of her leaving & her relationships with not just Lisa but her other friends. Lisa is not here for it. She tells Stassi how disrespectful she was to her, the restaurant, the staff & how she turned her back on her after everything Lisa did for her. Stassi, Lisa gave you a waitressing job, you owe her you & Patricks first born.

Stassi is crying (but makeup still remains perfect - (note to self, ask Stassi for makeup product list). She tries to give Lisa $900 in cash to pay her back & Lisa refuses saying it's insulting. If you're going to give money to any Vanderpump it should go to silent but strong Max. He should be rewarded for being the only guy on this show to not say dumb shit.

Stassi has apologized multiple times - no luck. Tried to repay the money - no luck. She tries to get up to leave since Lisa has made it clear she doesn't want this apology nor will she accept it - still no luck. Lisa doesn't want any of the things Stassi is desperately & honestly trying to offer her but yet when she stands up to leave Lisa tells her, "You can stay there we have more to talk about." We now have this exchange which I feel is like a scene we should be getting from The Real Housewives.

Lisa asks Stassi what she wants & why she came here & she tearfully replies that she wants to apologize and make amends with the people she truly cares about. Lisa really is the female version of the Godfather, and instead of stroking a white cat, she is stroking a dog that may or not be filled with sawdust. You must pay respect to the Don, or in her case the Dame, because they control everyone & everything in their territory. And Lisa's territory just happens to serve fried goat cheese balls.

.

Lisa asks her what makes her think they will even forgive her & Stassi points out that they all have managed to forgive each other for really horrible things - no one in this cast and I mean the real OG cast, not the thirsty fetuses that are being featured so predominately this year.

Jax sleeping with his best friends girlfriend, Kristen sleeping with her best friends boyfriend, slaps, punches, drinks thrown in faces, teeth falling out (OK, I guess that fight was just between Scheana & her own gums, but still, DRAMAAAAA!). This group has forgiven each other for almost everything, where I still haven't forgiven Sarah Gartamn from moving me from #2 to #7 on her Myspace top 8 in junior year of high school - I never have forgiven her & I never fucking will. So it's a good thing I don't work at SUR because the only thing that I cling tighter to than my purse around Jax is my resentment.

So many unanswered questions.

-This episode aired the first day of black history month & still no answer or leads on to Faith's disappearance. For all we know, she's still waiting for the rest of the group to join her at the Hawaii airport shuttle.

-Do the police still have the sunglasses in their evidence locker? Was Steven Avery's fucking DNA on them? Why is this still a crime Hawaii PD is following up on? We have a missing waitress with a grey weave who still hasn't been seen or heard from but yes, let's spend more time on the sunglasses. I feel like there's more to this case than meets the eye. Perhaps Jax recruited sweet Hooters angel as a decoy to smuggle more stolen sunglasses into the states while hiding them in her Topanga hair.

-Are the people of the world ready for such a daring & new concept of matching underwear & socks?

-What is Hanky's BMI up to?!

-Will Stassi ever get discounted goat cheese balls again?

-How do we know Jax didn't just steal the nose he has now?

-And the most important question of all - How are Max's teeth?!?!?!

So many unsolved mysteries in this episode kittens! Tell me your thoughts, on everything & anything - but mostly what you think about Lisa's eyelashes that look like spiders drowned in Latisse. I love you more than Lala loves brown lip liner!

I Wear My (Stolen) Sunglasses At Night

This episode of Vanderpump Rules is what we have all been waiting for, no we didn't find out the cause of Hanky the swans eating disorder,something much better- our mother fucking queen has returned! I have not been this excited about a reunion since the Spice Girls.

But before we get to the real reason everyone started watching this show to begin with, we have to start at the beginning of the episode in Hawaii.

All the gang is by the pool doing beer bongs like they're back in college, but something is off & it's not just James left eye. We are by a body of water but there is no topless Lala to be found. We know something is wrong because it's not like Lala to miss an opportunity to put something big down her throat. James aka Dobby the house elf go to find her along with mute Max & token Faith.

Just an hour ago she was a fortune teller on Love & Hip Hop & now we find her in the hotel room like this

Lala's in bed, her face clean from crying her gypsy tears. She can't understand what everyones problem is about her being topless & tells Faith "Here's the thing babe, you were JUST as naked as I was today, and I've been put on blast!"

FINALLY! Thank you Lala for being the first & only one to acknowledge Faith's boobs. I was so insulted for her that no one cared. If anyone should be crying on this trip it should be Faith! Lala is frustrated because Jax blatantly denied ever saying this to her.

She says how she doesn't want to be around anyone right now & she just wants to be by herself-so of course James, Mute Max & Faith just continue to stand there. If it had just been Mute Max it would have been fine since that's still basically being by yourself. By the way Mute Max is giving us some serious Spencer Pratt flesh colored beard action.

Lala says in her best baby stripper voice "Lets go night night" & James crawls into bed with her & takes his jeans from the Ryan Seacrest collection off because he says they're wet (I would not be surprised if James actually still wets his pants because he is basically a toddler & according to LaLa still hung like one.) James takes his pants off & tries to snuggle up to LaLa like a child that's way to old to be breast feeding. Lala says "James C'mon... I've had a rough night... please" this poor girl doesn't even have the strength or energy to get her pepper spray. James continues to completely ignore the physical & verbal signs of her saying "No" & pushing him away, maybe his knock off Beats By Dre headphones have affected his hearing. Or maybe the real reason is he's just a rapey porcelain doll.

She is sad,tired & embarrassed, so I bet what she really wants right now is to have your Jack Skellington body grinding up against her with your micro penis. Lala tells him he's annoying & his response is "I'm not annoying, you're just a tease" Clearly Lisa Vanderpump hasn't had HR do a "sexual harassment" seminar. Lala asks for Faith to get into bed with her & for James to get out which he of course handles very maturely with "Are you fucking kidding me? This is complete bullshit!" He mutters something about Jax but since he sounds like Oliver Twist (if Oliver had been a douche bag instead of an orphan)it's really hard to understand him. Even Max the mime finally speaks up with "Hey man, calm down" WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THIS IF A "MAN"(boy) WANTS TO SLEEP WITH A WOMAN & SHE SAYS NO! DOESN'T SHE KNOW A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE SUR KITCHEN & THIS SHITTY HOTEL BED?! James says "I'm leaving!" Before slamming the door, which is like saying "I quit!" after being fired.

Back down at the pool Scheana pulls Ariana aside to apologize about the texts she sent to Ariana's mom about Tom. Ariana aka Ms. Debbie Downer is wearing a drink umbrella in her hair & it's the most fun she's ever been. Ariana is the SUR version of Angela from The Office. Scheana says "I first want to apologize if that conversation was inappropriate or out of line" Debbie Downer isn't satisfied with that (shocking.)

Debbie Downer-"It feels like a back handed apology, Tom wants you to say "I'm sorry that I did that"

God Scheana open your big beautiful eyes, can't you see that you committed the most terrible thing you could do to a person? You TEXTED about Tom. Can you imagine how many modeling shoots he's going to miss out on because he's in therapy sessions! You're a monster.

Britney the angel on Earth from Kentucky does a beer bong with such skill you would think she was the president of a fraternity. Jax needs to have one of those cheesy beach weddings where everyone is barefoot & the hotel staff is playing steel drums in Hawaiian shirts because it will never get better for you than this girl. Lock her down NOW.

The next morning we wake up with the gorgeous Hawaiian sun shining but it doesn't matter because there's always a dark rain cloud in Ariana & Toms hotel room. They wake up & immediately start talking about text gate. Some people do affirmations in the morning, some people do yoga, but they choose to welcome their day with martyrdom

Tom-"She doesn't understand how DEVASTATING this is"

It's basically the same thing as losing a pet, but obviously way more painful because it's a text. Tom says he now knows who his real friends are, they are Ariana & his hair straightener.

We cut to Max asleep in the hotel room being woken up by Lisa calling him. "It's 10:20 in the morning! How are you still asleep!?" I can't imagine how disappointed Lisa would be if I were her daughter, 10:20 is practically break of dawn for me. She asks James if Max is behaving himself & tells James that she's holding him personally responsible for Max's safety. Once again,WHO WOULD PUT JAMES IN CHARGE OF ANYTHING?! He's barely qualified to marry the ketchup's let alone be in charge of regulating someones medication. James isn't Marry Poppins, if anything he's a more unlikable version of Jack the Ripper.

We now go to the beach, the guys are surfing & the girls all look like they're Victoria Secret supermodels taking a break to tan. Who cares about melanoma when you can get a nice base coat? When I said the guys are surfing of course I mean the guys & Ariana. Remember how cool she is & so laid back because she's just one of the guys?! Tom tells Jax that he can't believe he's wearing sunglasses to surf in, apparently Jax stole them from the hotel & he says he's now "Releasing them back to the world again" like they're a sea turtle being set free in the ocean.

Lala is wearing her church outfit & Katie tells her how she's missing her bottoms, & that her bathing suit looks like what the girls in a rap video wear. Katie didn't mean it as a compliment, but LaLa took it as one. Scheana makes a comment about how she looks like she's missing the rest of her bathing suit & Lala looks at her as if she had asked what the square root of 417 is. Lala seems unaware & unphased by the fact she is wearing black dental floss as a bathing suit. (Is this why Max had to have tooth surgery because LaLa is stealing all of his dental hygiene products to make her "clothes'?")

Meanwhile the albino manorexic is surfing & I just keep praying that Jax's new nose will start bleeding so that the sharks smell blood in the water & come eat both of James' arms off so he can never press play on his macbook ever again. Sadly mother nature failed us.

We didn't get to see Jame's pull a Natalie Wood but we do get what we've all been waiting for........

We just see gorgeous snakeskin pumps & pair of stems that would make Cher Horowitz jealous walking down a hallway. We pan up to Stassi knocking on Kristens door, she opens it & they're both wearing white which is appropriate because this is heaven. When they hug it's like seeing Rachel & Monica back together or Paris & Nicole. This is the reason we started watching this show in the first place. Seeing them back together after everything they've gone through gives me hope that there can be peace in the Middle East. Stassi & her boyfriend Patrick have moved from NYC back to LA & she's finally come home to where she's meant to be. Just like when James goes back to living inside Satan's asshole, home is home.

We cut to Lisa & her high waisted jeans talking to Ken outside by the pool. Ken of course is holding their favorite stuffed animal Giggy. They talk about how they're concerned about Max & "How this is Max's one shot with his teeth" as if his teeth are a character out of 8 Mile. Lisa is having this conversation while she's sitting on a giant inflatable flamingo in the pool like she's Taylor Swift. Lisa then says "Can you believe I was once a little girl in England & now look at me, I'm here" Yes, who could believe that a little girl in England would one day be wearing a bedazzled rhinestone shirt riding on an inflatable animal in a pool. The most important part about this scene is Giggy actually moved & not with the help of Ken. So we have proof he is technically alive.

Back at the beach there is a brief second of Lala turning over & the producers have to pixelate her bathing suit bottoms because either her vagina or asshole is showing, I don't know which one & honestly it doesn't matter because we will eventually see both. Maybe not on this show but in her inevitable Vivid video.

James is taking pictures of LaLa like an old creepy tourist. James says "Lala keeps giving me sex eyes" I don't know how James can see her "sex eyes" with his crossed ones.

Later that night we see Jax ironing his pants in a Chippendale's outfit & saying how he can't believe Britney shared a raft with Lala, I can't either but apparently Britney isn't afraid of getting a rash. Once again I need to find out what Buddhist temple Britney went to in Kentucky or what medication she's on because I have never been that nice or calm. She is an alien & Jax needs to marry her before she flies away in her Lisa Frank spaceship.

The gang meets up for dinner, one of the many things I love about this show is the fashion-or lack there of. Max is wearing a giant black sunglasses inside like he had cataract surgery. Porcelain devil is wearing his signature tank top,Peter(yay they remembered not to leave him adrift in the ocean!) is wearing a white shirt that is unbuttoned to his navel,Tom is wearing an outfit that makes him look like a vegan yoga instructor & we realize Lala is bi polar, at least when it comes to her outfits. Earlier she was wearing a bikini made for a sexy toddler in a pageant & now she is wearing a giant black t shirt that looks like she stole it from a security guard at a hip hop club. Oh and also these gold plated hoola hoops. Olivia from The Bachelor needs to DM her on Twitter to ask where she bought them because these earrings are the only thing that could make Olivia's mouth look small.

Of course they go to a restaurant, for people who already work in a restaurant they sure love to spend all their free time at one. I give Tom a lot of credit, not only is he brave enough to wear anal beads as a necklace, he's also brave enough to put aside the text tragedy he's dealing with & muster up the energy to go to dinner. He deserves a purple heart because he is a soldier/bartender/model.

Lala & the anti Christ are at the end of the table & Tom decides to have totally appropriate dinner conversation of "Hey James how are you doing? Have you had sex with LaLa yet?" Lala gives Tom a look that could melt his hair gel off. Cut to a confessional of Lala telling us that before they went on this trip she & DJ Douchebag actually did try to have sex one night when they were hammered & that he couldn't get it up, "He claims that I couldn't get him hard but c'mon......." Of course you couldn't get him hard, you don't have a penis.

Back at the dinner table James & his crossed puppy dog eyes look at Lala & she very gently says "I did have a lot of fun with you & could have seen this going somewhere but then there was a point & I think you know what that point is & it just wasn't clicking"

James says how the pressure was on & that he choked -which he's used to doing on a dick. Lala says how she wants to remain friends & James says it's going to be weird. Lala asks why he can't just look at her like a friend & treat her the same way he treats Faith. James says "I don't look at Faith like that" Which makes me really sad, can someone please look at Faith in anyway?! Faith is non existent , just like Scheana's talent for interior decorating.

White Lala Vasquez gives this amazing advice "If you're going to get whiskey dick, stick to vodka" Or in Jame's case, arsenic.

The dinner conversation has now turned to whales & Schwartz informs us that "A whales vagina is the size of a bus" or Lala's hoops. Tom the soldier interrupts the marine biology lesson to pull Scheana away to talk about guess what... the texts! Seriously he needs to do a TED Talk on this subject because it's clearly his passion. Scheana gives what is her millionth apology & it's still not good enough. I don't know what it's going to take, maybe if she goes & gets an "I'm sorry" ass tattoo from the same shitty, blind tattoo artist that Tom went to for his flaming hot cheeto "A".

The next morning everyone is complaining about having to pack & that they only have a few hours to kill before having to leave. Next thing we see is southern angel getting a phone call from Jax that he's been arrested & is in jail. I am so impressed that he knows her number by heart & can use her for his one phone call. If I was arrested the only number I know by heart is my best friend from 3rd grades home number.

Damn Jax takes a good picture, this mugshot looks better than all my friends' headshots.

Jax was arrested for stealing sunglasses, which is sad because he was a model in a sunglasses campaign that I even saw posters of inside The Palazzo in Vegas last time I stayed there. I don't know why he just didn't ask the company to pay him in sunglasses. It's not like he stole Dana Wilkey's sunglasses!

Yes, Jax could afford the glasses just like Winona Ryder could afford all those clothes from Saks. It's just like how I could afford birdseed (at my old apartment I fed the squirrels & birds on my balcony & I would steal birdseed every time I shopped at Ralphs. I figured I had just spent $250 on groceries & that I shouldn't have to pay for $4 birdseed because I was giving back to the planet.) So no, I don't judge Jax.

His bail was $11,000 & the group had to come together to get the money,get him out jail & get to the airport & as Scheana pointed out "We have to do all of this in a few hours & get home in time for the Third Eye Blind concert tomorrow!"

Jax is released from jail & meets them at the airport. He is so embarrassed, he's crying & you really feel for him. Once again, you just can't get mad at Jax, he's the shows Joey Tribiani, I mean it's not a coincidence that they have the same initials.

The most confusing part about all of this is how is Third Eye Blind is still selling concert tickets?! Also where is Peter? And Faith? And Max and his problematic gums? WHERE ARE THE REAL ANSWERS?!

Kittens, I know this was a lot. You basically read the length of a Harry Potter book but unlike Bachelor this is a show that I have watched from the beginning & am so passionate about, and since I can't tell James & Ariana how I feel (since the have both blocked me on Twitter) I have to tell you. Did we get the amount of screen time that our HBIC's Stassi & Kristen deserve? Absolutely not. And that was the real crime of this episode, not Jax fucking stealing sunglasses. We could have had so much more time but the editors decided to spend about 20 minutes total of shots of Hawaii- we fucking know what the ocean looks like!

Tell me in the comments your conspiracy theories about what happened to Peter,Faith & Max-do you think they were taken like Liam Neesons daughter? Or have they been left behind like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone? We will have to tune in next week to see. I love you more than Lisa loves Hanky!