Vanderpump Rules

Snakes & Turtles



-When Draco Malfoy has to work as gay hustler to pay for Hogwarts-


We open with Katie asking Mother of Swans if her & Tom can have their engagement party at Villa Rosa, because what other event space can you get in LA that comes with a moat of swans with eating disorders, ponies, and a billion pink roses? Lisa looks at her like she asked if she could throw an "Eyes Wide Shut" themed party and put Giggy in a ball gag. It's okay that Shay used her house to propose to Scheana & we have every other event in Beverly Hills at her house but she seems really skeptical of this, which is weird because besides invisible Faith, Gaysian, & of course Max the Mute, the Bubba's have the least amount of drama surrounding them.

Lisa says if she says yes to this that she has to make sure it stays a really small so Katie counts out the number of people she's going to have there & it sounds like Lisa wants to make sure she keeps it under the amount of animals she has, so that means the guest list can be at least 100. Katie says she invited Stassi & Kristen, & Lisa says that they're absolutely not allowed in any of the 3 tiers of her lawn estate or in her 35 rooms. They aren't welcome anywhere near the gates of Villa Rosa. Lisa is acting like they're child molesters coming within 100 ft of a school, they're just 2 ex employees that want to celebrate one of there best friends engagements. It's not like you have a studio apartment. You won't exactly be running into them (but it's reality tv so of course you will). So Lisa gets the final decision over the list because after all it is her engagement party. Oh wait.

Next we see Mr. & Mrs. Debbie Downer getting facials as Hair Straightener talks about what else? His band. This is the last episode before the finale & his entire conversation arc this season has been text gate, his band, & how Ariana is "the most down to earth, awesome chick in the world." I hate when people use "Down to earth" as a way to describe a normal fucking person. It's awesome that Lady Gaga is down to Earth because she doesn't have to be, but a bartender who works in West Hollywood? Maybe he meant to say, "she's a DOWNER" on Earth, which in that case I completely agree.

He says how they're shooting his music video this weekend & how he has spent more money on this than anything else, WHAT a great investment. They have spent $9,000 so far & they told him to bring 2K in cash to set (so it must be Italians running the music video). When you sign up for a Bravo reality show they should make you take a financial course because I don't know who has stupider investment ideas, you, Teresa, or the annoying fucking Manzo kids with that "Blk. Water" bullshit.

I don't know what would be more unattractive to me, watching my boyfriend get a facial or watching him talk about his band, both make my vagina shrivel up & die. Little Miss Miserable says, "Back off ladies, he's all mine!" What imaginary ladies are you talking to? You two are literally the only ones attracted to each other.

We see Kween Kristen walking down the sidewalk in a blue romper like it's catwalk, she looks amah-zing so I'm assuming she's going to meet up with the OG girls to give us a Sex & the City-esque dinner, but no. Instead at the table we see the Kennedy that SHOULD have been assassinated.


She says how the antichrist has been trying to get back with her, sending her tons of apology texts & begged for a sit down, so that's why she's here. NOOOOOO!!! He is like Kaa from The Jungle Book, a fucking snake that hypnotizes you & a head shape not found in the human world.

He says how he's not drinking tonight, great so I wonder how long into the episode it will be till we see him start to shake from alcohol withdrawal . He says how he's sorry for all of the bad things he said to her, oh like how you were physically & emotionally abusive? Cool thanks for the sorry. You say, "Sorry I'm late" not "Sorry I screamed in your face, threatened you, & spit on your personal space."

He says, "he's going to try to work on being the guy my mom raised him me to be." Well we've met your mom & she proves that the douche doesn't fall far from the bag because you're both fucking AAAHHHH Real Monsters.

His defense about his terrible actions is "But don't you remember me filling you apartment with balloons every week?" Oh yes, filling my apartment with rubber balloons that are terrible for the environment & also wilt like your pathetic excuse for a dick 12 hours after having them. WHAT a romantic!

She asks him if he slept with Jenna the girl from the beginning of the season that he hit on at Scheana's decades birthday party (& then went home in an Uber & slept with then lied about it to Kristen’s face). She asks him if he slept with her again & he finally admits it. She starts crying because she finally heard the truth about what she suspected; her then boyfriend cheated on her with one of her friends & goes outside to get some fresh air and out of the cloud of his Ax Body Spray scent.


She's outside on the curb crying & your heart hurts watching it because every girl has been there with some guy that you really loved & he made you feel like shit. He comes out after her & tries to give her puppy dog eyes, or in his case crossed puppy dog eyes. He is back to smoking his cigarette like an alien who once saw a mime do an impression of smoking. Ariana should take comedy tips from DJ Dickhole because watching him smoke a cigarette is one of the most hilarious things on this show.

He says how he's still in love with her & how he wants things to go back to how they were in the beginning when they were best friends & never fought. He keeps telling her he loves her & puffing giant clouds of smoke that must have some hypnotic affect because between that & the bullshit he's reciting to Kristen, you can see that she thinks that he's gone back to the busser she fell in love with. She says how she still worries about him which she should- because I'm going to kill him. She allows him to hug her & I know we're all shouting at our TV screens.


The next day Kristen & Stassi go to the factory that’s making Kween Kristin's t-shirt line. We keep cutting between the Kweens & the peasants (Ichabod Crane & Lala) who are both giving their version of the story.

Kristin embarrassingly tells Stassi that they made out in the car & then we switch to the disgustings talking like they are on an all male morning zoo radio show -"We ended up having sex on top of her beamer!!!!!!!"

I only pray he didn't take a nude beamer selfie during all of this.

Lala all of a sudden gets Love & Hip Hop jealous on us even though she doesn't even want his baby carrot dick that can't even function properly.

"WTF are you doing?! Right now you're fired from PUMP & your cd is on hold-both are because of Kristen!" Really? I thought it was because Lisa was finally realizing he's a baby Hitler. Where last weeks Lala's fortune cookie advice was "Take that bitch to dinner," her advice this week is "Fuck that bitch & get your job back!" She should write an advice column.

This is why Queen Stassi should have gone with Kween Kristen to that dinner because this is how it would have gone:


At the Bubba's apartment we are going over the engagement party food list & Happy Tom suggests tacos "because everyone loves tacos!" Excellent point. (I am especially for this plan because I had Taco Bell cater my 18th birthday party that was Pimps & Hoes themed, humblebrag!) Tom seems as aware with what’s going on with the engagement planning as their adorable puppy son Gordo.

At SUR Jax tells Lisa he needs the next couple days off because he has to fly back for his court hearing in Hawaii for the murders stolen sunglasses case. Is this the new OJ trial? He says he doesn't know how it will go- it could be just more fines or he could be put in jail again. Between the bail, his lawyer bills, & the flight back to Hawaii he might as well have stolen Dana Wilkey’s because that's how much these plastic Oakley’s ended up costing him. I don't understand, it's not like a child was in them while he stole them! Is Hawaii that wonderful of a state that this is the worst crime being committed?


Next night the group (minus Hair Straightener & Little Miss No Sunshine) joins Kristen & her new boyfriend Carter at a dive bar for turtle races & I'm sad Ramona Singer & Kim Richards aren't the judges. It turns out that Katie already knows Carter because they once had a one-night stand together 6 years ago. You could literally pick anyone on this show to play the "Kevin Bacon" game with, but instead of Kevin Bacon, replace anyone's name & you will find someone at SUR who slept with them or knows someone who slept with them.


Happy Tom says in his confessional "Carter & Katie actually know each other, how do I put this..... he's had his dick in her" so looks like Tom is already practicing Kristen & Carter’s wedding speech!

Katie & Carter hooked up before she ever met Tom & they are completely fine about it. I always admire everyone on this show for their ability to not only sit next to, but be friends with people they used to sleep with. If I even see someone I made out with 6 years ago I avoid them like the plague.

My favorite part of this scene is how adorable & genuine Kristen & Happy Tom are when they talk about their plan of rescuing all the racing turtles & releasing them in Lisa's moat to be with the swans. I love this "Free Willy" turtle spinoff & I wish they would do it because I would watch a whole spin off series of just that. Kristen & Tom rescuing animals to bring back to Villa Rosa like the most bougie wildlife sanctuary there is.

Katie tells Stassi & Kristen that Lisa said that they couldn't come to the engagement dinner. I don't really know why Lisa lets two ex-employees who are her daughters age bother her that much, it's not like they're the ones who broke Max's teeth (or his voice box).

Jax & Brittany the Southern Angel on earth go to dinner & she's showing off her brand new boobs that look fantastic & super natural! Certainly more natural looking than James & that cigarette. They're talking about his trip to Hawaii & Jax doesn't like that she makes a "last free meal comment.” They're talking about the upcoming engagement party & Jax says he doesn't feel like he's that on board with marriage, & she says that having a husband & family is her goal & she moved her entire life for him.

She is the best thing that could ever happen to you, or to anyone. You should have brought her to the courthouse before you even brought her home to your apartment for the first time. Seriously lock that girl down, borrow Tom Cruise’s old shackles he used on Katie Holmes, literally do anything to get her from leaving or flying away like the hair model angel that she is.

Next is filming Hair Straighteners music video, which is being shot in a library, so LaLa is happy!


Tom doesn't strike me as someone who reads anything besides GQ. His bands name is "Charles McMansion.” Charles Manson is much more appropriate because this is horrifying. They are dressed like Miami Vice/Bat Mitzvah DJ's & the concept is that they walk through the library with a "sexual liberation machine" that turns all the library goers into sex maniacs. I thought the only people who went to libraries anymore were old people learning computers & homeless people who go to shower in the sink. Also it's just you & some guy with a jewfro & you don't play any instruments, so can we really call that a band?

His significant other is also featured in the video doing her signature Blue Steel look-snarling


Mrs.Debbie Downer  then comes in with the guitar covered in pink dildos because she LOVES prop comedy! She is HILARIOUS! Maybe these were all the dildos that have been shoved up her ass the whole time & thats whats been bothering her this season.

The song is called "Let's touch in public" but when they're singing it, it just sounds like "Let's touch a bunnnaayy!"The only good part of this video is that Faith actually got a part!


The next day at SUR Katie is talking to Scheana & Jax about the engagement party & she tells Ariana "I hope you don't have to pretend like you're having too much fun."

I love fucking love Katie & her hair that always looks fresh from a blowout.

Ariana of course takes the joke really well because she's such a great comedian! And by that I mean staring dead eyes with her face looking like she just sucked on a lemon that she then put in someone’s drink.

Ariana: Well obviously I wanna come to your party and support you guys

They all stare off in different directions pretending they didn't hear the energy vampire.

Brittany drives Jax to the airport once again proving she's the nicest human living & not making him take an Uber X. Jax is starting to say how even though stealing the sunglasses was a mistake he's starting to think having his girlfriend of 3 months move into his studio apartment was a bigger mistake. Listen Jax, I don't care if you guys live in a place the size of that car, YOU DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN to keep that angel on earth. You don't even have to pay electric because her halo lights up the whole place. Just like Giggy I still don't believe Brittany is real because no one is that perfect & understanding.

Brittany is the human version of the Powerball lottery & Jax better not throw away that fucking golden ticket.

You guys we got to see so many shots of Faith & Peter tonight I can't believe it! Still no sign of life from Gaysian with the mohawk but 2 out 3 ain't bad!

As sad as I am that next week is the season finale I can't wait for it because it does look AMAH-ZING. Jax threatens James which omfg I would pay thousands to see that, Bravo needs to have their own MMA channel. Lala pushes Kween Kristen who I wish would just rip out those hoops out of her ears as soon as she even tries to make eye contact with her. KNOW YOUR FUCKING PLACE. And that place is riding some old man’s d on a yacht in Italy while you're Instagram modeling.

So many questions

-Which books do you think Lala checked out of the library?

-Am I the only one who is jealous of Marlee Matlin whenever I hear James' or Tom’s music?

-When are Hanky & Giggy making a band? They would probably use less autotune than Tom & James

-Whatever happened with the tacos?!

I love you Kittens for reading!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RHOBH recap will be up tomorrow, what other shows should I be recapping? What do you love/hate? It is my personal mission to get you all into Southern Charm-it's like Vanderpump Rules but in white tuxedos & on plantations-you're welcome!