Blind Makeup Artists & Bold Faced Lies

-If you need to lose 5lbs by tomorrow just keep looking at this, best diet ever-

Kristen wins best dressed at reunion hands down-gown & makeup were flawless!

On the completely opposite end of the class & color wheel we go to the maroon LaLa, who took the fashion forward approach of doing a silvery foundation with a mauve bronzer the same color of her lipstick. She wore a blue velvet dress but since you can only see the top of her, probably for fear of her flashing her lips that AREN'T over drawn, it just looks like she's wearing a gymnastics singlet, which would be appropriate for all those exotic "modeling" positions she has to contort to in Italy.

2nd Runner Up for worst look goes to Ariana Schumer who tried to show she's not a Debbie Downer & wore a "fun" braid from the Jessica Simpson hair extension line that make's her look like a milkmaid in a Texas pageant.The dress with the black choker & deep V with the black censor bar across her boobs makes it look like she's a hooker from Star Wars.

Lisa ditched her signature silk shirt with rhinestone buttons to go for a pink top with a giant red bow that makes it look like she's Mary Poppins who just had a neck lift & is still trying to hide the scars.

We start out with the Mother of Swans announcing that Ichabod Crane has been suspended from PUMP yet again for drinking. They show multiple clips of him chugging Fire Ball, maybe since he's a child Lisa assumed the only drink that would be in his bottle would be milk. But as we have all seen the relationship with his Janeane Garofalo look-alike mother it's very obvious he prefers to breast feed right from the source.

He says for the umpteenth time this season that "I've really learned a lesson from all my drinking mate ya know what I mean & that's not the type of man my mother raised & I'm really trying to work on myself.” No you're not. We've all met your mom & you're literally the spawn of Satan whose gotten one too many fillers from Living Social deals.

Jax says how much he would love to beat the shit out of James & how he's so lucky that he's on probation. I wish Andy would do a charity boxing match of Jax vs. DJ Dickhole because I would personally donate an entire years worth of rent to see Jax turn James crossed eyes into 2 black ones.

It really bothered me that Andy never brought up Ichabod spitting at Kristen & how he spoke to her the whole season, or was he out walking Wacha during all of those scenes?

Jax says what anyone who has watched this show already knows; Ichabod used Kristen to weasel his way onto the show. Tom Hair Straightener automatically makes this about him - because when has he ever not? "No he didn't! It was Kristen who used HIM!" Yes because who wouldn't want to get their hands on that Jack Skellington-like body with an endless number of shitty iTunes playlists & child sized tank tops? This reunion is the first time I've ever seen him fully clothed where he's not wearing a "shirt" that barely covers his nipples & shows his armpits or a button down shirt opened to his naval like he's on Dancing with the Stars.

It's brought up how Kristen discovered that Satan's Scrotum lied to her about cheating on her with one of her friends.Earlier in the season when she blatantly asked him & he denied it saying "I would never do that I love you so much you're the only person I've slept with since I've been dating you" & then in the confessional said "We were definitely bone-in!"

It's somehow turned into how Kristen is the one to blame for being a "psycho" because she found the email. He goes on to say how Kristen was cheating on him the whole time even though these camera people follow them around everywhere & don't you think that if there was even a possibility of her cheating that they wouldn't exploit that for all it's worth. And after the breakup with you calling her every word that should be used to describe your mother, she wouldn't use that to throw back in your fetal alcohol syndrome looking face? I know I would. But she didn't, and we all know she has no problem admitting on camera and owning up to if she's cheated. So why wouldn't she this time? Oh yeah, because she didn't do it & for some unknown reason loved you, thank god she's no longer with you because if she had continued I was going to petition that we need to start a Go Fund Me for a lobotomy.

-What Ichabod Crane was doing to Hair Straightner's dick the whole reunion-

Hair Straightener jumps in (of course he does) because trust me if he's on camera & his lips are moving he's talking about Kristen (or his shitty band that consists of him & one other person), saying how he guarantees she cheated on DJ Dickhole & how over the next few months he'll find out so many more people she's slept with. Mr. Debbie Downer & Ichabod have now formed an alliance & anything he says Ichabod enthusiastically nods his weird shaped head over. His head is so far up Tom's ass he can taste his hair gel.

Once again the original topic & only hard facts that Ichabod cheated on her was just mentioned once & then somehow turned into another attack on Kristen of what their hypotheses are of what might happen in the future, with these imaginary guys she supposedly cheated with that we have no proof. Once again. nice moderating Andy! You're letting them attack her on something that never happened & letting it go on for 10 minutes instead of addressing the asshole that cheated on her ON camera.

Hair Straightener then starts going on about how she cheated on him with Jax because apparently his Don Johnson Miami Vice clothes are stuck in a time warp & so is he because he thinks it's season 2 reunion all over again. JESUS CHRIST, no one wants to hear about this again! It's like Hillary Clinton & the emails. FUCKING MOVE ON. Mr. & Mrs. Debbie Downer still have no shame in cheating on Kristen first (which if you watched the Behind the scenes of season 1 episode you heard on air that at that time Ariana & Tom had already hooked up-which season 1 was a year & a half before Kristen & Jax ever slept together) but whenever it's brought up that's there response-"how dare you say that when you slept with Jax?" No one is denying that fact & neither has she. Yet you want us to believe that all you did with Ariana Schumer is make out in the Golden Nugget pool? #1 No one just "makes out" in a pool in Vegas & then says let's stop right here at the kissing, we don't want to rush our cheating! #2 The Golden Nugget? Of course you would stay at the Golden Nugget, you know what they say-water seeks its own level.

Everyone's attack on Kristen-which has now been the same for 4 reunions is "You're a psycho!" is she really?

-She said that Tom cheated on her with Ariana for 3 seasons, which they denied & she was made to look like an insecure crazy bunny boiler & then it turns out THEY DID CHEAT

-She thought DJ Dickhole was cheating on her & it turns out HE DID CHEAT

SO when you call her a psycho do you mean psychic? Because everything she said has been proven to be true when the whole time you spent trying to convince her & anyone who would listen that she was SUR's Amanda Bynes.

-What would make you think she's having sex with them?!-

We then move on to Oh Na Na who clearly fucked her blind makeup artist’s boyfriend, that's the only explanation for what's happening on the face. When asked about her "modeling job in Italy,” she said she has been taken on so many trips around the world by rich older men that she's lost count, which doesn't surprise me how high do you really think she can count anyway? She says how she's never slept with any of them & how she's the one person on the trip whose not getting laid which I 100% believe. They just fly her across the world to go on yachts & tell them about the latest novel she's reading & talk about an exit strategy for the Middle East.

Shay then comes out & they talk about his problem with alcohol & pills this season & how Scheana was attacked on social media for how she handled his "intervention-non intervention" in their wedding photo gallery of a living room. I don't blame Scheana for how she handled it, she wants to support her husband & it's clear she loves him even more than she loves false eyelashes but she's not Dr. Drew. Plenty of my friends are alcoholics & my only helpful solution is "take an uber." Shay has been sober for 3 months, great so maybe he can become DJ Dickhole’s sponsor & he can do the 12 steps, hopefully off a ledge.

They talk about the tattoo Hair Straightener got in Vegas, which I think was done by La La's makeup artist. He say's that he googled "Cool letter A" to pick the design & it was the first that popped up, he put more time into grooming in his eyebrows that night than he did picking a tattoo. If you wanted it to represent Ariana you should have made the letter all black with a rain cloud above it.

We then bring up Kristen apologizing to the funniest sketch comedy actress that you've never heard of. Debbie Downer says how she didn't accept the apology because she didn't think it was "sincere". Jim Carey from Liar Liar could have apologized to you & you still would have thought it was fake. IS THERE ANYTHING THAT SHE HAS LIKED THIS SEASON?

Seriously, can anyone name one thing that she didn't complain about? Even at her birthday party when she was wearing a unicorn hat outside of a bouncy castle she was complaining about Hair Straightener going to Vegas. She complained about the tattoo he got in honor of her. She complains about when other people do comedy because that's her thing (even though we have never seen her talk about it or do it before this season), not like I would call her "Diary Show" comedy because like I said I was there in the audience of that performance & a reading of Anne Frank’s diary would have gotten more laughs.

Kristen DIDN'T have to apologize to you; there was nothing in it for her! It bothered me so much when Hair Straightener said it was bullshit & his anorexic, albino chihuahua behind him yapping "Yep mate totally fake 100% he's ABSOLUTELY right mate he's spot on!" Well congratulations hair gel your band now officially has 1 more groupie, bringing the grand total to 2.

They said it was totally insincere & was just for her to get her friends back. She was already friends with Jax, Katie, Happy Tom, Stassi, Brittany, Scheana, & Shay - oh yeah that's everyone besides you, Hair Gel, & James.

If somebody apologizes to you, who are you to judge the sincerity of the apology? If the person apologizes they are being the bigger person & owning up to what they did wrong. Saying sorry is one of the hardest things in the world to do-that's why there are 1,000 songs written about it. So if someone apologizes to you, what moral high horse are you on that allows you to dictate how pure the apology was, because you will always find something wrong with the apology no matter how good & honest it is if you still want to continue to hold a grudge. There is nothing that person can ever do in your mind that you'll deem worthy enough of being on your same immortal level. She considers herself to be such a high bar of morality & dignity when in reality the bar is even lower than the one she works behind.

-Someone's been using her word of the day calendar!-

It shows how much growth & maturity Kristen has had because she had no reason to do that other than she felt like Little Miss Miserable deserved it. It wasn't Mother of Swans making her, it wasn't so she could get an invite to that amazing sold out Diary show (which had maybe 30 people in the audience when the Improv seats 200) it was because she wanted to.

They then go back to "You fucked Jax." Oh ok, we are back to this again, when Hair Straightener is still best friends with Jax. Not like Kristen is trying to be friends with them she was apologizing for her own actions towards you. I don't know why you wouldn’t accept it & move on but this is coming from a couple who was personally insulted when they found out other people had a comedy show.

They call Kristen a psycho because the only story line they have is calling Kristen a psycho. Even though the only interaction you guys have had all season is her coming in to apologize & then her defending her best friends career on the beach that you were trying to discredit for no reason. Apologizing & then defending her friend, wow WHAT a psycho!

She apologized to you-even though you cheated with her boyfriend first and have never once had any remorse about it & refuse to see anything wrong or why you need to take responsibility. Not only did you not accept it but were a total cunt about it in the process.

Andy asks Forehead Shaver if there's anything Kristen can do for him to be cool with her to which he snaps with his veins protruding "I am at peace!....I AM AT PEACE! DUDE I AM AT PEACE!!!! I'M JUST FUCKING ANNOYED BECAUSE WHEN THIS IS BROUGHT UP I HAVE A LOT TO SAY & A LOT OF FUCKING DAMAGE HAS BEEN DONE! " I think I've heard the Dalai Lama say something similar to that, so clearly you are at peace.

Oh Na Na then decides to jump in saying how she heard Kristen called her a whorebag. I think that was the whole world calling you a whorebag when you were topless in front of people’s boyfriends & defended it by saying "If you have a problem it means you're insecure & it's not like I was showing my pussy."

It becomes the entire left side of the room all screaming at Kristen at once (seriously why doesn't Bravo subtitle their reunions?! Well not like I care what any of these human gashes have to say but for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion I would like them to). So everyone on the left side minus Scheana is screaming at Kristen at the same time. Hair Straightener attacks her by saying "You're just are regurgitating what your therapist tells you" to which she replies, "That's kind of the point of therapy." Yeah that's pretty much the whole selling point of giving someone in a chair, with a hundred degrees behind them, a bunch of money, because you're supposed to regurgitate what they tell you. Yay, so now we're attacking her for going to therapy!

Sorry if you felt this recap just stuck on Kristen but that’s what the reunion was, an hour of attacking Kristen over:

-How her 2 ex boyfriends speculate that she cheated on Unlikable Jack The Ripper & there are more men she's slept with (yet we have no proof of any of this & the first time we are ever hearing about it) so just going on the words of bitter jealous ex boyfriends who the only camera time they get is talking about her.

-Her being a psycho for finding the email proof that Satan Scrotum cheated on her, which was then a 10-minute attack on her, instead of the original point of JAMES CHEATING ON CAMERA. But yes, the reading of a deleted email is a much bigger scandal, I agree.

-Her sleeping with Jax that happened in season 2, yet not once was this EVER brought up to Jax at this reunion because the problem isn't really about the cheating, it's just something to attack Kristen about.

-Mr. & Mrs. Debbie Downer, Lisa, & Tom's newest fluffer Jack Skellington saying how Kristen is a liar. What a jury of her peers!

-Going to therapy & bettering herself (which they then find a way to make about themselves; how she must only be doing it as a way to get back at them). Ah yes, reverse therapy is VERY common. Speaking of therapy have you ever heard of the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Maybe you should spend more time googling that instead of "Cool Letter A's”.

I don't know if Andy was busy fantasizing a 3 way with him, Wacha, & Anderson Cooper, but way to keep it on track! I give Kristen so much credit, not only for looking the best, hair & outfit wise, but for holding it down that entire time when you have 4 peasants who the only reason they have a paycheck is for the airtime they spent talking about you. If she had a dollar for every time her name was mentioned on this show she'd be richer than Lisa. You can see how much her therapy is paying off because if I was there I wouldn't be able to sit there for 10 seconds without flipping that little restoration hardware coffee table in the middle & attacking them like we were at a Love & Hip Hop reunion.

I hope next episode isn't a continuation of the one woman Salem SUR Witch Trial that they put Kween Kristen on because it was really hard to watch especially when once again the Antichrist get's off completely free. Does he have Max's voice trapped in a seashell like Ursula in The Little Mermaid? What does he have over the people at Bravo that he isn’t accountable for anything?! Why is no one acknowledging that he's baby Hitler besides Jax?! When Jax Taylor is the voice of reason, something is wrong.

Kittens tell me what you think in the comments, what are your conspiracies?

I love you for reading! XOXO

**Special thank you to @Pizzahontas @Tasteofstreep for the gifs!

Shih Tzu Bitch Stole My Look

Jax returns from Hawaii & the sunglass murder trial of the century to his apartment & Southern Angel/hair model Brittany. However, instead of being relieved it's over & just having probation he's more frustrated that he's coming home to a studio apartment smaller than one of his tattoos, & starts blaming & ranting to Angel about everything. He says that he can’t stand how the closet looks because he is a clean freak. Yeah Brittany, how is he supposed to be able to look at all the items he's stolen if things aren't organized?! I was surprised to hear he is a clean freak, for some reason someone who has their bikes hanging on the wall over his kitchen table & poops with the door open didn't strike me as a Jeff Lewis type. He is also frustrated that construction is going on. I'm not really sure how any of this is Southern Angel’s problem but ok.

He says that its her job to find an apartment, I myself live in Los Angeles & I don't know what's harder finding a boyfriend here or finding an apartment, she's already done one of those things so I think she's done. I have lived here for 5 years & I still have no idea where the fuck anything is, that's why I picked where to live based on apartment complexes I saw on The Hills. I was too lazy to go around & look at shitholes I found on Craigslist for fear of getting killed and having my organs sold on the black-market or in poor Southern Angel’s case, her implants.

Somebody who has managed to find an apartment is our Queen Nastassia who is sadly no longer squatting with Kween Kristen which I was secret-ing to the universe & to Andy Cohen to become it's own spinoff. Also does anyone else have a major problem with Stassi's title card? Under her name it says "Former SUR Server." UM anyone watching this knows who fuck she is and a more appropriate title would be "The reason this show was even a hit in the first place."

Stassi managed to find her dream apartment - sky blue walls (her favorite color) & crown molding (to match the invisible crown she wears on her head), maybe Stassi should do a crossover onto Million Dollar Listing because she's amazing at finding real estate.

The movers are just starting to come in with the first boxes, it hasn't even been 5 minutes & Kween Kristen comes to christen the new home with flowers but more importantly alcohol, so it really does feel like home. That is a true friendship. One of the 7,982 things I love about this show is that they really do love each other & after all the shit these girls have been through together that they are still best friends. I stopped talking to one of my best friends because she moved to Santa Monica, which is like a 35-minute drive, I’m sorry, but friendship over I'm not doing that shit. Back at Jax's he's still taking out his jet lag on poor Southern Angel. She remains so calm & understanding, seriously what antidepressants is this girl on because I need them. Ask my pharmacist I have gone down the list A-Z & have never found anything that have made me that rational & pleasant. (If anyone has any Rx cocktail recipes leave them in the comments!)

He says how being in the jail cell was the most calm & sane he's felt since she's moved in since he was finally able to get some peace & quiet. You know you can just go to a yoga class right? Or take a walk (away from the construction area obviously); jail isn't the ONLY quiet place. And granted I haven't been to jail, but from what I've seen on TV & movies it looks super loud with everyone yelling, having dominance fights over top & bottom bunks & who stole their toilet wine.

That is also so mean to say to your perfect girlfriend who left her whole life & family to move across the country to come to a place where the only person & thing she knew was you. I used to think the worst thing my boyfriend could call me was fat, now I think it would be that it was better in jail than being in an apartment with me. If he did say that to me than I would be like "good while since you love jail so much you can go back to it." Then I would call his probation officer, say he stole another pair of plastic Oakley's & have him arrested & sent back to his favorite place in the world. SO just a heads up if any of my future boyfriends are reading this.

At SUR Ichabod Crane goes up to the visit the most hilarious bartending/comedy duo in the world, Tom & Ariana. Hair Straightener asks if he wants a drink & Jack Skellington replies "No mate ya know what I mean I haven't had a drink in two weeks ya know what I mean." I don't know if he means alcohol or if he means not breastfeeding from his Groupon Botoxed-filled mom.

Meanwhile, in the bathroom Scheana is helping Lala Vasquez literally safety pin her Wet Seal tube top dress back together. Lala says how she's nervous about the Bubba's engagement party tomorrow & how she can't believe she was invited. Yeah, neither can we. There is no reason you should be there, I mean I get if you were the hostess at the strip club, Tom & the guys might go to for his Bachelor party but that’s the only way I would picture you involved with this wedding in anyway.

She says she's nervous about how to do her hair & how to dress, Scheana tells her "dress like you're going to be around someone’s mom & grandma.” Yeah LaLa, because you're going to an event & will be in pictures of a day that they will remember forever, so maybe try not to show your nipples or vagina, which will be hard because it's at Lisa's house & you WILL be by a pool.

We see the Queens getting ready & they're planning they're strategy of entering the engagement party like it's Ocean's 11, or in they're case 2, but with the drinking tolerance of 11.

Queen Stassi is nervous about party crashing for the first time "The only thing holding me back right now is I have self-respect & dignity, thank god for Kristen who is unburdened by those anchors." Kween Kristen wonders if Lisa will kick them out, well she does have 13 guard dogs (4 of which have alopecia), 6 guard swans (at least one with an eating disorder so Hanky will be easy to outrun), & 2 midget ponies but Kristen is a vegetarian, so have her throw her dinner of carrots to distract them & Roscia the house maid is probably too busy inside making sure no one uses the 18 bathrooms, & of course red chested Ken is too busy picking out Giggy's outfit.

Kween Kristen says the Antichrist has been texting her so I guess that AT&T gets really good reception in hell. She says she hopes he turns his life around & I just hope he turns his car into oncoming traffic.

The Bubba's did such an amazing job setting up the Linen & Lace engagement party, which they did all themselves. Katie was setting up the umbrellas & tables in sweltering summer heat in her party dress without having her hair fall flat & having her makeup remain flawless, if that were me my guests would have been slipping in my face that had melted on to the floor. We met most of Katy & Tom’s family who are so adorable & loving and look like what normal parents should look like. Not like the Botched audition tape that James’ mom is clearly shooting every time she's on camera.

Ohh Na Na shows up in a white lace v-neck dress that is so low cut it shows underboob, which you know every Grandma loves! The white lace "dress" LaLa is wearing makes her look like a Vegas stripper about to be married by an Elvis impersonator at one of those little 24-hour wedding chapels. Faith shows up (I KNOW!!!) in the same black felt hat she wore in Hawaii, it must be her signature 105 degree summer hat, she's also wearing a black lace crop top and & long black lace skirt like she just came from a funeral of all her scenes that were cut from this season, but Kittens I'm just happy we get to see her one last time!

Lala says "Before I left the house I had approximately 14 mimosas & a couple shots before I came here." Man her book club drinks A LOT! So much alcohol & not one mirror in your house to look at your hair?

Everyone is playing lawn games & socializing but the real life’s of the party have their own high-top table. Hair Straightener rapidly fans himself with a paper fan looking even more effeminate than Marie Antoinette & Ariana is blowing bubbles. I was wrong for saying she wasn't talented in an earlier blog post, because she is. It takes a lot of talent to still manage to look miserable while blowing bubbles.

The gates to the Palace of Villa Rosa open & the Queens walk up the ridiculously long & grand driveway. Between the anxiety & all the exercise I'm out of breath just watching it, better them than me!

Kween Kristen asks "What if she throws us off her mountain?" Yes I could see where that could put a damper on the engagement party, but if Scheana's engagement party can handle Jax & Tom getting into a fist fight & hurting her tooth, Katie & Tom’s can handle you getting thrown off the mountain because at least than you could sue & get all that Vanderpump Sangria money & split it half with them!

Ichabod Crane squawks "Oohhhh I see trouble." like the tattle tale douche-y little Oliver Twist that he is, also how can you even see them from that far away with your crossed eyes? Every one turns to look & Jax says out loud "Dayum Stassi  looks good," this is one of the few times Jax has told the truth.

Katie runs up & hugs them because she's so genuinely happy that her best friends still showed up to support her. I think it's so brave, not just that they showed up, I'm most impressed with that they are able to hug people & not get their makeup on other people’s all white outfits, I just have to give people a Howie Mandel fist bump instead.

The Queens go up to the Mother of Swans & I'm so nervous just watching, because she's not even clutching stuffed Giggy or a glass of rosé so I'm suspicious of why she has to have her hands free & I'm wondering if she's planning a Joan Collin’s Dynasty slap.

She just says "Oh no... It's been a beautiful afternoon, don't fuck it up." She surprisingly doesn't look pissed she just looks at Katie and kind of gives her "this is your thing you're in charge just don't go in the house & knock over one of my 437 flower arrangements" look & walks off.

Stassi & Southern Angel Brittany meet for the first time and they are completely friendly with each other. Stassi says how she's always said that Jax has great taste in girlfriends, which is true. Every girlfriend he's ever had has always been insanely beautiful & way younger than him, he's like the Leonardo DiCaprio of SUR & his 3rd nose was like his Oscar.

We then see Unlikable Jack the Ripper playing make believe Coyote Ugly throwing empty liquor bottles up in the air and back & forth in his hands impressing no one because no one is even watching him. He is literally the child at the party running around in the backyard doing totally average mundane things going, "Look at me!!! Look what I can do!!!"

tumblr_o43k4p6yb1t06j4mo1_500

He then goes up to Kween Kristen & pulls out the PUMP cd with the cover that looks like he made it on Microsoft Paint. On top of it not even being music, who has real CD's anymore?!? My Macbook doesn't even have a slot for CD's! Why don't you just go ahead & make a fucking PUMP cassette tape & 8-track while you're at it?

He keeps showing her the CD, once again what is there to show- the 5-track names of robot laser keyboard sounds? Lala & her Troll Doll hair keep skulking or in her case skanking in the background glaring. "Everything about Kristen pissed me off, I hate her hair, her outfits are shit, I hate her shoes, and I hate everything about her." Topless girls in houses with shitzu hair & Charlotte Rouse platform shoes shouldn't throw stones.

Mother of Swans gets up & says how much she loves the Bubbas & how she wishes them the best & asks if anyone wants to say anything & Kween Kristen raises her hand. Dammit Kristen we wanted to hear a hilarious toast from Ariana! But fine, I guess.

Kween Kristin & Stassi both get up to do the speech because they have known the Bubbas the longest & as they're making the speech Little Miss Ratchet Muffin drunkenly screams from the back "WRAP IT UP!!!" which is coincidentally what James’ dad SHOULD have done.

Are you fucking kidding me Lisa? You were worried about Kristen & Stassi making a scene & you're letting Troll Doll Hair whose dress is so low you can almost see her stomach jewel heckle an engagement speech? I was in the audience at Ariana's "comedy" journal show & I didn't even heckle that.

Mrs. Bubba has to get up at her own party while her two best friends are trying to give her a toast & has to defend them in front of the crowd politely since she is in front of nana's & pop pops & can't say, "Hey LaLa shouldn't you be sucking some old mans liver spots off right now for a trip to Capri?" But instead is polite and said, "This is my engagement party & these are my friends and if anyone has a problem with that you don't have to be here." Klassy Katie remains flawless & Lala remains a low down dirty monkey with a shitzu wig on.

We now head to SUR for the after party & Ichabod Crane goes up to Jax and gets in his face & says, "Don't tempt me tonight boy." Jax says how he already seems to be tempted enough because he's drunk & Ichabod has a defensive tantrum, "No no no I haven't mate I've had 3 joints that IT!" Since when did they start making joints out of cocaine?

Scheana pulls Ariana Schumer from what I'm sure was about to a be a great story she was going to tell & they go outside to talk about their friendship & Scheana breaks down about how she misses her and how it's different hanging out with Kristen, Stassi, & Katie. I'm sure it is a different experience being around people who smile. Scheana apologizes to HER which I still have no idea why, she still has to make the drinks for your tables whether you're friends or not!

Back inside, we see Peter & Gaysian (OMG you guys the producers let them all of the van for the finale!) and Lala is manically pulling on her Bam Bam pony tail for the umpteenth time, it's really frizzing and you can definitely tell she didn't go to Giggy’s dog groomer because this is the hair equivalent of James’ music- absolute shit.

She goes over to Jack Skellington & starts licking his face as a sign of ownership, which is basically like peeing on him, like the shitzu bitch she is. They are literally holding each other’s tongues for seconds. I've never seen a birthing video but I imagine it's as disgusting & disturbing as this. How is this not a health code violation? If the California Health Department were watching this episode the rating card in the front window would go from an A to a C real quick. If I knew I was going to see a scene like that I would have ordered a cheat meal because I literally just threw up.

Kween Kristen has the same reaction that anyone with eyes has-, which is dry heaving & says what we are all thinking, "It's like a walking STD."

YAAASSSSS!!!! SLAY QUEEN! You are the original, you are the reason we have a show & that they unfortunately fucking have a job, they should be bowing down & only be making eye contact when given permission.

Queen continues speaking our truth, "Can you just leave because no one here likes you."

Gash-I'm the one person babe you don't want to fuck with! Don't fucking cross me bitch

Queen- "I'm really scared," she remains so calm & confident like she's Chanel Oberlin from Scream Queens

Lala now shows us her audition tape for Bad Girls Club by coming up & SHOVING Kween.

Gash- Sit the FUCK DOWN!

OHNOOSHEFUCKINGDIDNTTTTTTTTTTT - but that is the only time in her life that girl will ever feel what non-polyester fabric feels like.

How Kween didn't rip her Icing by Claire’s hoops right out of her earlobes I don't know, but that's because she's a queen & doesn't touch trash, that's James’ job because he's a busboy. The fact Kween didn't scalp that Bratz ponytail off of her head shows how flawless she is & she doesn't need to dirty her hands by touching that Sally's beauty supply weave.

Slorebag runs out because that’s what you do after you make a big dramatic gesture to get a lot of camera time & then you realize you're not Cookie from Empire, you're a girl who clearly watched Jessica Alba in Honey & Julia Stiles in Saved the Last Dance one too many times. You're just a girl from Utah who still says the word "Mommy" so you run out of the restaurant to the back lounge. Stassi tells her she needs to own up & apologize & Lala says she's so tired of apologizing to people & "if people don't want to be my friend they can blow me," all that book reading is paying off!

I am surprised she didn't apologize, it's not like that girl has any problems getting on her knees.

As if that wasn't disturbing enough to watch we now have to be subjected to the same song we saw just a week ago of "Lets Touch in Public" but this time it's a "live" lip-sync version, without the distraction of props like the dildo guitar or Faith licking a book. It's just Hair Straightener & his Screech from Saved by the Bell doppelganger band mate in their jackets that look like gay camo print. Their band name shouldn't be called Charles McMansion, it should be called "Boys 2 Menorah" because they look like a bat mitzvah hype men.

I love that Lisa thought it was a comedy song like a Weird Al Yankovic and kept looking around confused & whispered, "is this supposed to be funny?" I will say his music is 100% funnier than Ariana's comedy.

After the performance Ichabod sits behind Ken & Giggy for protection & puts his arm around him & keeps calling him "Poppa Bear". I love Ken because he doesn't have to say anything because the look on his face is "I'm seventy fucking years old & out of my whole life this is by far the worst moment."

Lisa asks him if he's drinking-, which of course he denies & says he’s only had 3 joints, & says he feels like he's in space & like he's not even here. Ugh if only that were true. He then goes on to say he's also had 4 pot brownies on top of the joints. Listen, no one believes you about the not drinking thing and definitely no one believes that you ATE 4 brownies. He is slurring & speaking at a volume as if he's in a stadium & Kristina Kelly aka the Lily Aldridge of SUR tells him that it's obvious he's wasted because Stevie Wonder could see that.

Satan’s Scrotum- "Youuuu shut the fuckk up!”

Lily Aldridge- "Don't talk to me that way"

Satan's Scrotum- "Shut you fucking mouth"

Jax & Angel watch from the bar & Jax gets upset & says he can't talk to women like that, THANK YOU! How is Jax the adult that's holding him accountable & not Papa Bear & Mother of Swans? C'Mon Peter this is your big moment to say something! Aren't you a manager? Also why did no one acknowledge that Peter was wearing a cross body bag the whole night? Is it for your gold doubloons or crackers for Iago?

Now James has stood up & at this point Ken & Peter are just leaning on either side of the bar like bookends. Do they just figure, "I didn't get any one-on-one confessionals this year, fuck this let it happen what do I care, I'm 1 line-up from Gaysian & Faith on the call sheet."

Jax says he needs to calm down & stop being disrespectful to women.

Satan's Scrotum: I'm disrespectful to women? You've fucked over a hundred girls.

Angel gets in between them & has her hands on Jax’s chest, Angel protect your own chest they're new & fabulous! She has to hold Jax back because DJ dickhole is just baiting him because he knows he's on probation so he can't do anything to him, so he's safe no matter wait. It's like threatening a boxer through the TV. VERY manly. He is the biggest pussy in the world, which is why him & Lala get along so well, he is the biggest & she has the biggest.

vpr-jax-brittay

Jax- I'll put my fucking fist in your fucking face!

Ichabod- (sitting down at a table smoking like a mime in Paris with his shirt almost completely unbuttoned) Fucking hit me! You can't old man! Do you think I couldn't take you?

Lisa FINALLY decides to maybe step in, I don't know if she was busy sipping tea or making some cheeky sexual innuendo but she simply says "Hey, hey, hey"

Ok Fonz way to really step in & break it up!

Ichabod- Come at me

Jax- You're about 150 pounds soaking wet please let me put my fist in your face!

Ichabod- don’t cross me in front of Lisa! (he screams over her shoulder & then goes back to hiding behind Lisa using her body & diamonds as a shield like the man he is)

Jax-You wanna go?

Ichabod-Be a good boy OLD MAN!

Jax-I'm 200 pounds heavier than you I'll drop you!

**Sidebar-I love when men get in fights they announce their weight & keep upping it in competition with one another. Girls would NEVER do this in a million years, we don't even want the nurse to tell us our weight when we go in for check ups let alone scream it in public during a fight.

Now Brittany, Mr.Bubba, Peter (fucking finally) are all holding Jax back.

Ichabod - "I'm going to take myself out of the situation, later!" Walks out, then turns back around, stands in the doorway sticks a cigarette in his mouth giving the peace sign & gives us this image that I have watched no less than 300 times.

As if that isn't bad enough, 2 seconds later he then comes BACK. He is literally the herpes of people, just when you think you've gotten rid of him he pops back up. He comes in to kiss Kween Kristin on the cheek & she responds "I feel like I just got an STD on my face" I'm officially dead.

He walks out & Lala is sitting by the trash bags - which is honestly the group she looks the most comfortable with. She asks if he wants to go home with her & they walk off making out, which is perfect because there's not one disease that the other doesn't already have so they're a match made in heaven.

The moment we've been waiting for is Jax going up & having a sit-down conversation with Stassi & we get flashbacks to in the beginning when they were a mix of a Allie & Noah from the Notebook with the cheating & drinking habits of Elizabeth Taylor & Richard Burton.

Jax says how it's been 3 years & how he wants her to know that if she ever needed anything she could still call him tomorrow & he would be there. She says how she is surprised to hear that & so am I and during this whole amazingly enlightened conversation all I can look at is how fabulous Stassi's lip color is.

They talk about how they hope that since enough time has passed that they can be in the same room. Stassi tells him she really doesn't want him to fuck it up with Southern Angel. Seriously Jax, don't screw this up or I will find you & rip you apart like you're a chunky white sweater. You need to lock this girl down, I know you put some double DD's on her to make it a little bit harder for her little angel wings to fly off but if she drinks enough red bull she could be gone. She is the best thing that has ever happened to you, or to anyone. Please go steal someone’s engagement ring (as long as it's not Katie's) and propose to her before I do.

Everyone goes home happy except for me as I sit on my couch & ugly cry because I can't believe it's over. Vanderpump Rules is a show that needs to be on all year round, like soap operas, or the news. We still have so many questions we never got answered?

-Why was Lisa throwing a Madea church hat in the opening credits that didn't even match her outfit?!

-Why were LaLa & DJ Dickhole at the engagement party & NOT Gordo?!

-Will the Bubba's be using Scheana's wedding planner that she found on Instagram who spent the whole wedding in flip-flops picking up plastic cups?

-Did Gaysian, Mute Max, & Faith just take some Buddhist monk vow of silence that we just don't know about?

-In Ichabod Cranes' "music" video, do you think there's any chance that's lead based paint & my prayers have been answered?

Well my Kittens, I can't wait for the reunion where hopefully Andy Cohen will hold the peasants accountable for their behavior because Mother of Swans sure hasn't. She cares about punishing them as much as she cares about hiding the white glue on her fake eyelashes, which at this point she is using as eyeliner. Speaking of makeup Oh Na Na decided to go with a mauve bronzer to match her lipstick & a blue velvet singlet to compete in a children's gymnastics competition.

I love you for reading. XOXO

14 days to April 4th, which is the premiere of Southern Charm you're future obsession, TRUST ME! Please do yourself a favor & go watch season 1 right now. There are only 8 episodes & it has all the drama of season 1 & 2 of VPR cheating & pregnancy scares but on plantations & in white dinner jackets. You're welcome.

He's funnier than Ariana (well, who isn't?)

I wish he would drink the propane tanks behind him. Vanderpump Rules Recap will be up later my Kittens since my DVR decided to magically delete it since it filled it with all Season 1 reruns in honor of the Unseen Footage Special running tonight which will be a must watch! The greatest thing about tonight is that there will be no Ariana,James, or LaLa!!!

Seriously why did Ichabod Cranes' mom have to be Janine Garaffalo & not Casey Anthony?!

Snakes & Turtles

-When Draco Malfoy has to work as gay hustler to pay for Hogwarts-

We open with Katie asking Mother of Swans if her & Tom can have their engagement party at Villa Rosa, because what other event space can you get in LA that comes with a moat of swans with eating disorders, ponies, and a billion pink roses? Lisa looks at her like she asked if she could throw an "Eyes Wide Shut" themed party and put Giggy in a ball gag. It's okay that Shay used her house to propose to Scheana & we have every other event in Beverly Hills at her house but she seems really skeptical of this, which is weird because besides invisible Faith, Gaysian, & of course Max the Mute, the Bubba's have the least amount of drama surrounding them.

Lisa says if she says yes to this that she has to make sure it stays a really small so Katie counts out the number of people she's going to have there & it sounds like Lisa wants to make sure she keeps it under the amount of animals she has, so that means the guest list can be at least 100. Katie says she invited Stassi & Kristen, & Lisa says that they're absolutely not allowed in any of the 3 tiers of her lawn estate or in her 35 rooms. They aren't welcome anywhere near the gates of Villa Rosa. Lisa is acting like they're child molesters coming within 100 ft of a school, they're just 2 ex employees that want to celebrate one of there best friends engagements. It's not like you have a studio apartment. You won't exactly be running into them (but it's reality tv so of course you will). So Lisa gets the final decision over the list because after all it is her engagement party. Oh wait.

Next we see Mr. & Mrs. Debbie Downer getting facials as Hair Straightener talks about what else? His band. This is the last episode before the finale & his entire conversation arc this season has been text gate, his band, & how Ariana is "the most down to earth, awesome chick in the world." I hate when people use "Down to earth" as a way to describe a normal fucking person. It's awesome that Lady Gaga is down to Earth because she doesn't have to be, but a bartender who works in West Hollywood? Maybe he meant to say, "she's a DOWNER" on Earth, which in that case I completely agree.

He says how they're shooting his music video this weekend & how he has spent more money on this than anything else, WHAT a great investment. They have spent $9,000 so far & they told him to bring 2K in cash to set (so it must be Italians running the music video). When you sign up for a Bravo reality show they should make you take a financial course because I don't know who has stupider investment ideas, you, Teresa, or the annoying fucking Manzo kids with that "Blk. Water" bullshit.

I don't know what would be more unattractive to me, watching my boyfriend get a facial or watching him talk about his band, both make my vagina shrivel up & die. Little Miss Miserable says, "Back off ladies, he's all mine!" What imaginary ladies are you talking to? You two are literally the only ones attracted to each other.

We see Kween Kristen walking down the sidewalk in a blue romper like it's catwalk, she looks amah-zing so I'm assuming she's going to meet up with the OG girls to give us a Sex & the City-esque dinner, but no. Instead at the table we see the Kennedy that SHOULD have been assassinated.

She says how the antichrist has been trying to get back with her, sending her tons of apology texts & begged for a sit down, so that's why she's here. NOOOOOO!!! He is like Kaa from The Jungle Book, a fucking snake that hypnotizes you & a head shape not found in the human world.

He says how he's not drinking tonight, great so I wonder how long into the episode it will be till we see him start to shake from alcohol withdrawal . He says how he's sorry for all of the bad things he said to her, oh like how you were physically & emotionally abusive? Cool thanks for the sorry. You say, "Sorry I'm late" not "Sorry I screamed in your face, threatened you, & spit on your personal space."

He says, "he's going to try to work on being the guy my mom raised him me to be." Well we've met your mom & she proves that the douche doesn't fall far from the bag because you're both fucking AAAHHHH Real Monsters.

His defense about his terrible actions is "But don't you remember me filling you apartment with balloons every week?" Oh yes, filling my apartment with rubber balloons that are terrible for the environment & also wilt like your pathetic excuse for a dick 12 hours after having them. WHAT a romantic!

She asks him if he slept with Jenna the girl from the beginning of the season that he hit on at Scheana's decades birthday party (& then went home in an Uber & slept with then lied about it to Kristen’s face). She asks him if he slept with her again & he finally admits it. She starts crying because she finally heard the truth about what she suspected; her then boyfriend cheated on her with one of her friends & goes outside to get some fresh air and out of the cloud of his Ax Body Spray scent.

She's outside on the curb crying & your heart hurts watching it because every girl has been there with some guy that you really loved & he made you feel like shit. He comes out after her & tries to give her puppy dog eyes, or in his case crossed puppy dog eyes. He is back to smoking his cigarette like an alien who once saw a mime do an impression of smoking. Ariana should take comedy tips from DJ Dickhole because watching him smoke a cigarette is one of the most hilarious things on this show.

He says how he's still in love with her & how he wants things to go back to how they were in the beginning when they were best friends & never fought. He keeps telling her he loves her & puffing giant clouds of smoke that must have some hypnotic affect because between that & the bullshit he's reciting to Kristen, you can see that she thinks that he's gone back to the busser she fell in love with. She says how she still worries about him which she should- because I'm going to kill him. She allows him to hug her & I know we're all shouting at our TV screens.

The next day Kristen & Stassi go to the factory that’s making Kween Kristin's t-shirt line. We keep cutting between the Kweens & the peasants (Ichabod Crane & Lala) who are both giving their version of the story.

Kristin embarrassingly tells Stassi that they made out in the car & then we switch to the disgustings talking like they are on an all male morning zoo radio show -"We ended up having sex on top of her beamer!!!!!!!"

I only pray he didn't take a nude beamer selfie during all of this.

Lala all of a sudden gets Love & Hip Hop jealous on us even though she doesn't even want his baby carrot dick that can't even function properly.

"WTF are you doing?! Right now you're fired from PUMP & your cd is on hold-both are because of Kristen!" Really? I thought it was because Lisa was finally realizing he's a baby Hitler. Where last weeks Lala's fortune cookie advice was "Take that bitch to dinner," her advice this week is "Fuck that bitch & get your job back!" She should write an advice column.

This is why Queen Stassi should have gone with Kween Kristen to that dinner because this is how it would have gone:

At the Bubba's apartment we are going over the engagement party food list & Happy Tom suggests tacos "because everyone loves tacos!" Excellent point. (I am especially for this plan because I had Taco Bell cater my 18th birthday party that was Pimps & Hoes themed, humblebrag!) Tom seems as aware with what’s going on with the engagement planning as their adorable puppy son Gordo.

At SUR Jax tells Lisa he needs the next couple days off because he has to fly back for his court hearing in Hawaii for the murders stolen sunglasses case. Is this the new OJ trial? He says he doesn't know how it will go- it could be just more fines or he could be put in jail again. Between the bail, his lawyer bills, & the flight back to Hawaii he might as well have stolen Dana Wilkey’s because that's how much these plastic Oakley’s ended up costing him. I don't understand, it's not like a child was in them while he stole them! Is Hawaii that wonderful of a state that this is the worst crime being committed?

Next night the group (minus Hair Straightener & Little Miss No Sunshine) joins Kristen & her new boyfriend Carter at a dive bar for turtle races & I'm sad Ramona Singer & Kim Richards aren't the judges. It turns out that Katie already knows Carter because they once had a one-night stand together 6 years ago. You could literally pick anyone on this show to play the "Kevin Bacon" game with, but instead of Kevin Bacon, replace anyone's name & you will find someone at SUR who slept with them or knows someone who slept with them.

Happy Tom says in his confessional "Carter & Katie actually know each other, how do I put this..... he's had his dick in her" so looks like Tom is already practicing Kristen & Carter’s wedding speech!

Katie & Carter hooked up before she ever met Tom & they are completely fine about it. I always admire everyone on this show for their ability to not only sit next to, but be friends with people they used to sleep with. If I even see someone I made out with 6 years ago I avoid them like the plague.

My favorite part of this scene is how adorable & genuine Kristen & Happy Tom are when they talk about their plan of rescuing all the racing turtles & releasing them in Lisa's moat to be with the swans. I love this "Free Willy" turtle spinoff & I wish they would do it because I would watch a whole spin off series of just that. Kristen & Tom rescuing animals to bring back to Villa Rosa like the most bougie wildlife sanctuary there is.

Katie tells Stassi & Kristen that Lisa said that they couldn't come to the engagement dinner. I don't really know why Lisa lets two ex-employees who are her daughters age bother her that much, it's not like they're the ones who broke Max's teeth (or his voice box).

Jax & Brittany the Southern Angel on earth go to dinner & she's showing off her brand new boobs that look fantastic & super natural! Certainly more natural looking than James & that cigarette. They're talking about his trip to Hawaii & Jax doesn't like that she makes a "last free meal comment.” They're talking about the upcoming engagement party & Jax says he doesn't feel like he's that on board with marriage, & she says that having a husband & family is her goal & she moved her entire life for him.

She is the best thing that could ever happen to you, or to anyone. You should have brought her to the courthouse before you even brought her home to your apartment for the first time. Seriously lock that girl down, borrow Tom Cruise’s old shackles he used on Katie Holmes, literally do anything to get her from leaving or flying away like the hair model angel that she is.

Next is filming Hair Straighteners music video, which is being shot in a library, so LaLa is happy!

Tom doesn't strike me as someone who reads anything besides GQ. His bands name is "Charles McMansion.” Charles Manson is much more appropriate because this is horrifying. They are dressed like Miami Vice/Bat Mitzvah DJ's & the concept is that they walk through the library with a "sexual liberation machine" that turns all the library goers into sex maniacs. I thought the only people who went to libraries anymore were old people learning computers & homeless people who go to shower in the sink. Also it's just you & some guy with a jewfro & you don't play any instruments, so can we really call that a band?

His significant other is also featured in the video doing her signature Blue Steel look-snarling

Mrs.Debbie Downer  then comes in with the guitar covered in pink dildos because she LOVES prop comedy! She is HILARIOUS! Maybe these were all the dildos that have been shoved up her ass the whole time & thats whats been bothering her this season.

The song is called "Let's touch in public" but when they're singing it, it just sounds like "Let's touch a bunnnaayy!"The only good part of this video is that Faith actually got a part!

The next day at SUR Katie is talking to Scheana & Jax about the engagement party & she tells Ariana "I hope you don't have to pretend like you're having too much fun."

I love fucking love Katie & her hair that always looks fresh from a blowout.

Ariana of course takes the joke really well because she's such a great comedian! And by that I mean staring dead eyes with her face looking like she just sucked on a lemon that she then put in someone’s drink.

Ariana: Well obviously I wanna come to your party and support you guys
*crickets*

They all stare off in different directions pretending they didn't hear the energy vampire.

Brittany drives Jax to the airport once again proving she's the nicest human living & not making him take an Uber X. Jax is starting to say how even though stealing the sunglasses was a mistake he's starting to think having his girlfriend of 3 months move into his studio apartment was a bigger mistake. Listen Jax, I don't care if you guys live in a place the size of that car, YOU DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN to keep that angel on earth. You don't even have to pay electric because her halo lights up the whole place. Just like Giggy I still don't believe Brittany is real because no one is that perfect & understanding.

Brittany is the human version of the Powerball lottery & Jax better not throw away that fucking golden ticket.

You guys we got to see so many shots of Faith & Peter tonight I can't believe it! Still no sign of life from Gaysian with the mohawk but 2 out 3 ain't bad!

As sad as I am that next week is the season finale I can't wait for it because it does look AMAH-ZING. Jax threatens James which omfg I would pay thousands to see that, Bravo needs to have their own MMA channel. Lala pushes Kween Kristen who I wish would just rip out those hoops out of her ears as soon as she even tries to make eye contact with her. KNOW YOUR FUCKING PLACE. And that place is riding some old man’s d on a yacht in Italy while you're Instagram modeling.

So many questions

-Which books do you think Lala checked out of the library?

-Am I the only one who is jealous of Marlee Matlin whenever I hear James' or Tom’s music?

-When are Hanky & Giggy making a band? They would probably use less autotune than Tom & James

-Whatever happened with the tacos?!

I love you Kittens for reading!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RHOBH recap will be up tomorrow, what other shows should I be recapping? What do you love/hate? It is my personal mission to get you all into Southern Charm-it's like Vanderpump Rules but in white tuxedos & on plantations-you're welcome!