We open the show with the girls lingerie shopping together & I'm not sure if this is a real scene or just a day dream fantasy the guys are having when they are supposed to be making mediocre overpriced PUMPtinis.
I guess it's not a dream because Ariana is there. Scheana says she invited Ariana lingerie shopping because the two need to reconnect & work on their friendship so that's why she extended the invite for her to come along while her & Katie looked for lingerie. I'm shocked Ariana came; not because of her made up problems with Scheana which I still don't understand, but it's not like Ariana really needs an excuse to be annoyed, scowling is her "Blue Steel".
I can't even picture Ariana in lingerie. Not that she doesn't have a great body, because she does. I will never deny that she's pretty & thin because I'm not going to Jax Taylor you. I just can't picture her buying lingerie; it's like picturing Wednesday Adams in lingerie.
Katie & Scheana, the happy care bears, are having fun & laughing, meanwhile Grumpy Bear complains about every fabric & color. I was waiting for her to launch into, "Did you know where these garments are made & how they treat the factory workers who make them? It's disgusting!"
I was surprised that the one girl missing from this scene (besides Faith as she is missing from almost every scene, and probably the country in general) is Lala. It just doesn't seem like her to miss an opportunity to be in hot lingerie but maybe it's because there was no water around which we know is her siren song.
The next scene is a recording studio with Mute Max on an acoustic guitar; he makes more sounds on this acoustic guitar in 5 seconds than I have ever heard Max make in 4 seasons of the show. So NOW we understand how Busser/DJ Dickhole has managed to stay on the show after he used Kween Kristen for airtime, make sure you get in with sweet Max, your boss's son. Ichabod Crane sits outside the booth & gives him bullshit notes like he's Timbaland instead of what he really is - Tilda Swinton's ghost.
"Ya know what I mean mate. Just make it more, ya know what I mean (spastic hand motions), just like that, ya know mate! Yeah you know just more like this."(more spinning hand motions around his head)
I feel like yelling, "More Cow Bell!" would have been more useful than what this piece of shit just told of him. Bless Max's heart for just politely looking at him & smiling his new grill. (Good for you Max! You can't even tell you're British anymore if I was just going by your teeth!) And then just continues to play his music because he actually knows how to.
Where outside the booth DJ Dickhole is sitting next to the guy who is actually pressing buttons! He is literally doing nothing besides sitting in a chair bobbing his massive head; it's like watching Jack Skellington try to be a P Diddy.
Ichabod Crane says he is making a PUMP CD (aka Lisa & Ken are producing a CD for Max to have his music on & letting James take credit & put his name on it). He says that this is the greatest achievement of his life so far. You know what would be another great achievement in your life James? Sterilization.
This is a direct quote because God knows I could never be this good of a writer -
"I don't mean to sound conceited, but I'm the white fucking Kanye West."
No you're like the white Chris Brown but without the talent, or money.
If anything, I wish you were like Donda West.
Next we see the The Toms at a Tattoo removal place because Mr. Debbie Downer is getting the bacon A taken off his ass because Ariana doesn't like it -SHOCKING. She is the human version of Eeore, always moping around & permanently has a nail shoved up her ass.
Happy Tom tries to convince him to keep it because it's a memento of their Vegas trip together. In his mind it's like a dude version of friendship bracelets but on their ass cheeks. Don't be sad Happy Tom, that's exactly what Ariana wants! Don't let her convert you! We see Tom get his Tattoo removed by a machine that looks like it's from an alien spaceship . He keeps saying how painful this is to go thru & I have to say as a viewer, watching you sob uncontrollably to Kristen in Miami was personally WAY more painful to watch.
The next day Jax comes over to help Mr. & Ms. Debbie Downer get rid of their hideous couch which is a shame because at least it matched everything else in the apartment. This is the same couch that Kristen & Jax hooked up on years ago btw; great feng shui you guys! Maybe that's the reason you lack the ability to have any joy in life; your happiness corner has been blocked this whole time! OK, well let's hope moving this couch is the magical cure!
Jax shows off that muscle milk steroid strength & moves the couch down the tiny hallway & stairs. Thankfully Hair Straightener wore his tank top and his workout wool beanie to really get the job done. Once we get outside Little Miss No Sunshine pounds water like she just did a lot of heavy lifting when instead she's just lubricating those vocal cords for a lot of monotone complaining.
"Scheana told me, that you told her, that Tom & I were upset that night because Tom wanted to talk about his band."
I don't even understand what that means.
Tom says he didn't even talk about them that much, but someone mentioning their band even once is still one too many times for me. Unless your band is NSYNC, I don't give a shit. The next day at the restaurant Peter the Pirate comes in to set up & asks Lala how she's doing & she says quote
Good for you Glen Coco! You go Glen Coco!
I barely even listen to the audio books I download let alone read a real one.
If you're wondering what book Lala Vasquez Kent is reading she informed us it is called "The Fountainhead". Below is the Amazon summary I copied for you -
"Published in 1943. It is a story of one man, Howard Roark, and his struggles as an architect in the face of a successful rival, Peter Keating, and a newspaper columnist, Ellsworth Toohey. But the book addresses a number of universal themes: the strength of the individual, the tug between good and evil, the threat of fascism"
I have to say, it is not the type of book I would imagine Lala reading. I thought when she said she started reading books it was going to be Amber Rose's book "How to be a Bad Bitch". Based on "The Fountainhead" summary alone it seems like one of those boring old dad books they sell at airports. I personally think LaLa should start her own book club, like Oprah, and give us her pick for the month. I think it would be fascinating.
Meanwhile at PUMP, Mother of Swans sits down with Richardson who is a waiter that Satan's Scrotum attacked last night when he was pressing play on his Macbook or as he likes to call it "DJing". Being the pusswad he is, knowing that he was in trouble, he spent all of last night texting Lisa to go easy on him at the sit down.
Unlikable Jack the Ripper showed up drunk to work. He saw Kristen in the restaurant & started screaming in front of the customers. Richardson tried to get him to calm down so he then started screaming & shoving him because he's a professional.
Lisa & Richardson start talking in fluent French in front of DJ Dickhole which I love because it's so classy and he has no idea what the fuck they are saying about him and you can see the anger & confusion in his crossed eyes.
Lisa asks Richardson to tell James exactly what he said to him because he probably doesn't remember because 1) He's a psychopath and 2) He's an alcoholic.
Richardson says very calmly in English, "What you said to me last night was - you're not talented, you're nothing, you're beneath me. I'm above you. I'm James Kennedy."
Richardson deserves Employee of the Year for eternity for not knocking him out right there!
Lisa thinks she is having a teachable moment & Dickhole is just using his baby tears to appear even more pathetic for her just to have pity on him.
Lisa - This is who you've become when you're drunk & it's not ok.
Dickhole -I say things when I'm drunk to try to hurt people.
Lisa - But who are you hurting most of all?
Dickhole - (single fake tear roles down porcelain cheek) Myself...
Please choke on a bag of dicks & die.
(obviously I mean James not Lisa and Richardson, or Hanky!)
She tells him that right now being a DJ (LOL) is not a job he is cut out for, he rolls his crossed eyes almost into the back of his head & asks if he can just be put on suspension, he says he had a revelation that night & Lisa tells him it was a revelation that came at her & her business expense he snaps "Can I finish what I'm saying or no?!"
OH HELLLLLLLLLLLLL NO
You do not speak to the Mother of Swans that way you pathetic fucking Prince Geoffrey wannabe. She calls him, "fucking disrespectful," which as you know is the nicest thing I could ever call him. She tells him, "You need to go away & grow the fuck up." His biggest concern, "But what's going to happen to the PUMP album?!?! It's my life accomplishment!" Well good news is if this is his life accomplishment, then he won't be around much longer because his job here on Earth is done & he can go back to DJing the underworld.
We cut to the beach where Katie & Happy Tom are doing their adorable engagement photos and she looks like a pinup goddess. She invited the whole group to meet them on the beach for a little day party. She is so kind she even invited Lala, Peter & Faith. I KNOW!!!!! We have visual proof that Faith is alive and well; thank you for all the prayers, Facebook posts & search teams that went out looking for her.
On the beach the group is talking about last night meeting Kristen's new boyfriend at her comedy show & for the first time all season Ariana & Tom actually look interested in something. "Wait Kristen had a comedy show?"
Scheana tells them that they all went to Kristen's comedy show where Kristen did sketches with the sketch group her best friend Rachael the stand-up comedian is in.
Little Miss Miserable - Well has she been taking sketch classes or did she just, DECIDE to start being funny.
Scheana - I thought it was really funny.
Little Miss Sunshine(now VERY defensive) - Well, if you're gonna do sketch comedy you should take a class or something.
Scheana -I don't know what she does in her free time but-
Little Miss No Sunshine - Well I take sketch comedy VERY seriously so it offends me when people just think that they can just..... do it.
Ariana you make Kristen Stewart look like Kristen Wigg. I have so many things to say about this so I'm just going to list these off to keep it short so I don't go on a 40,000 page rant.
1)WTF are you to tell ANYONE what they are qualified to do especially when it comes to performing, let alone COMEDY?! And they have to justify to you how many classes she took for you to deem she's worthy to be on stage? For someone you claim is so obsessed with "you & your boyfriend" I don't seem to remember a scene where she even talked about your show or even talks about you guys that much IN GENERAL. 2)When she says comedy, does she mean slam poetry? Because that seems much more in her wheel house. 3)I was actually in the audience at Arianna's diary show at The Improv & I have to say if anything the show edited it to make it seem way better than it actually was. A reading of Anne Frank's Diary would have been funnier than the shit we had to listen to. 4)Your entire diary show was just you accusing everyone in your college dorm of being a lesbian, OK Regina George. The only way we know Ariana isn't a lesbian is because lesbians are normally good at comedy. 5)Obviously classes don't make a difference in how well your performance turns out because look at how your show went. Sketch comedy is VERY serious. It's probably the most serious thing you can do in your life. It goes sketch actor, FBI agent, army sniper, brain surgeon, bomb detonator.
After Katie makes a great point about Ariana having a lot of opinions about a comedy show that she wasn't even at, Ariana now moves on to attacking Kristen's friend Rachael. Yeah. You know, Rachel the girl who has tried to sleep with Tom a bunch of times & thrown a drink in Ariana's straw like hair braid?
Oh wait no, Rachael is just Kristen's friend who is a stand-up comedian and who has maybe said 5 sentences on the show & has never done anything to anyone, let alone her. So when people think I'm being mean to Ariana, I'm not. THIS is being mean. So what did Rachael ever do to Ariana that would make her trash the girl’s reputation and try to kill her career on National TV? Oh yeah, she likes Kristen. She says how she doesn't think Rachael is funny & how her jokes aren't original.
Watching this was the closest I've ever gotten to throwing something at my TV. For those of you who don't know, Rachael O'brien is not just one of Kristen & Stassi's best friends, but an amazingly, hilarious comic who does at least 4 shows a week in LA, regurlarly host shows at the Improv on lineups with Chris Delia & Dane Cook, & oh yeah, just happened to go on tour last year for months ENTERTAINING THE TROOPS. When is your bartending tour Ariana? I can't wait to see what hilarious sketchy recipes you think up; I bet they'll be HILARIOUS.
There was absolutely no reason to say this about someone who has never been anything but perfectly nice to you, but to attack her & her profession and continue to nag on it and try to convince everyone why. WHY?! For what?! I don't understand what you possibly get out of this?
I'm so glad Katie called out the negative energy because for it being such a fun day that was supposed to be about celebrating an engagement & getting a nice base coat, it turned into Ariana thinking she's Lourne Michaels.
Ariana says that she's been pretending to have been having fun hanging out with them for a long time. Jesus Christ this has been her pretending to have a good time? Ariana, I'm not trying to make a joke, but you are a TERRIBLE actress, so this proves classes are bullshit.
Kristen & Rachel show up the beach & Jax tells Kristen what Ariana said about the comedy show & Rachel & Kween Kristen handles it like a boss. Not like Season 2 Kristen, but Season 4 Kristen who is a good friend & a woman who respects herself & her best friend & isn't going to let some miserable gash talk shit about them because she's jealous.
Kristen confronts her about what she was saying about their show & Rachel before they got there. Ariana says, "I don't think your jokes are original & I've been doing comedy for 10 years." Wow, I would not say that. That makes your Improv show even MORE embarrassing. It would have been just as mediocrely bad if you had said you had been doing comedy for 10 minutes but 10 years?!
Kristen tells Ariana she's not a stand-up comedian because she's not. Ariana says Kristen isn't a sketch actor, which doesn't make sense why Ariana thinks she's a sketch actor because she's been in sketches but when other people do sketches that doesn't count. Apparently Ariana thinks sketch comedy is like MENSA, only more elitist & selective.
I was at the sketch show and it was hilarious, and I would have had no idea Kristen had never done sketch before if someone hadn't told me & if you can't tell already by my blog, I love to make fun of everyone &judge everything & she fucking killed it. Where the only thing Ariana kills is the energy in the room.
Ariana says that, "I'm friends with some of the funniest people in the world." OK, well, funny isn't transferable like an STD you got when you hooked up with Tom in the pool at the Golden Nugget when he cheated on Kristen with you. So just because you have funny friends doesn't make you yourself funny. Just like me having thin friends doesn't make me thin. Although to quote Lala, "that would be dope".
Tom - "She didn't say what you said that she said." Why don't you save the Shel Silverstein poem for the next diary show Tom. God knows Ariana needs help with her material.
So many unsanwered questions this episode.
What does Ariana take more seriously, herself or comedy? WHERE is Hanky? And Gaysain? What would you rather buy, a book written by Lala or a CD by James? WTF are they selling PUMP CDs?! My computer doesn't even has a place for CD's anymore! This isn't a question just a statement - gun to my head between having to listen to Ariana do comedy or James DJ - I choose gun. THANKFULLY OUR GOD ANDY COHEN HAS HEARD OUR PRAYERS AND IS GIVING US WHAT WE WANT TONIGHT - OUR ORIGINAL BITCHES ARE BACK!!!