Vanderpump Rules

Palm Springs & Olive Branches

We open the episode with Katie & Scheana having to wait for Lisa to come in to give them their checks because apparently SUR is the only place that hasn't heard of direct deposit. Mother of Swans comes in & pulls their waitress paychecks out of her $50,000 handbag that for all we know is made out of the skin of Jax's old noses. They tell Lisa that they are going to drive to Palm Springs to Rachael’s parents house where the Kweens are having a girls vaca, so they can ambush Stassi because if they ambush her they feel the apology will be sincere & not rehearsed. I don't know if Stassi is anything like me but I've already practiced every confrontation 50 times in the shower. Lisa seems disappointed that they are going & I'm not sure if it's because of the Stassi thing or if it's because they said the reason for their trip wasn't to visit Lisa's star on the "Palm Springs Walk of Fame".

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Meanwhile, the guys are over at Peter the pirate’s place that surprisingly isn't an old wooden ship but a regular crappy apartment. Instead of being decorated with life size pictures of himself, he has chosen to go with putting 50 pairs of shoes all around his front door. Jax & Happy Tom are there to help him babysit his girlfriend’s kid, but is it really baby sitting when you're watching someone who is emotionally & mentally your peer?

They are pregaming before the kid comes over to be in their care because how else do you deal with being around children? No seriously, I'm asking. The girlfriend comes to drop him off & she gives them a list of what not to do. She tells that them he loves to play "Zombie & Princess". I'm glad Ariana isn't there because she would be asking him how many classes he's taken in this, & that she takes Zombie & Princess acting really seriously, & it bothers her when kids think that they can just do it. One of the things on the list is the kid gets a snack every 2 hours so him & me are on the same schedule. If I was a kid I would be super excited that my mom was dating someone who looks like they could be a character actor at Disneyland.

Here's Peter with the list-

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The guys have a blast babysitting because they are getting to do everything they normally do, drink & mess around with each other. I vote for this kid to replace Hair Straightener. They're the same size, weight, & at least this kid doesn't have a shitty band he wants to talk about. I don't know if anyone in Bravo casting reads this but please consider it.

Meanwhile, the Kweens head to Rachael’s parents’ gorgeous vacation house in Palm Springs. Palm Springs is about a 2 hour drive so that’s far enough away to get out of the dark, smoggy cloud that is Ariana's "personality". This house is bigger & more beautifully decorated than any of the houses in Real Housewives of Potomac by the way. (I know this is off topic but HOW THE FUCK did RHOP already get renewed for a season 2 & I had to spend every night praying that Southern Charm would come back & spending everyday tweeting Andy Cohen till one day he finally tweeted back at me to stop bothering him about it. I'm not kidding) Anyway back to this-

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Rachael’s parents aren't there so Kween Kristen says they can act like a bunch of teenagers. You know drinking, smoking, wearing insanely small clothes, so pretty much what they do every week. They sit out by the pool on the golf course surrounded by people old enough to make Ken look like a twink. Even though she's sitting with her best friends with a full chalice of vodka she doesn't look happy. Instead she's spraying the air with bug spray, "It feels like the devil just shat me out into this mars planet where there’s desert, unbearable heat, & old people" It is true, Palm Springs is like God's waiting room with no air conditioning.

Kristen says that Ichabod Crane keeps texting her & Rachael & Stassi both look at her the way I look at someone when they say they're voting for Trump. If that were me, I would have taken her phone made sure all her good selfies were saved to her iCloud & then thrown it in the fucking pool.

Lala Vasquez Kent has gone full brunette & is wearing clothes that aren't see through mesh & small stud earrings, is she joining the witness protection program? Because I barely recognized her. She asks Ichabod what was with him bringing the random to the beach party that turned into a "Sketch Off". He says that he's still into Kristen which what he means is "I'm still really into Kristen because she gets me more camera time & it's really draining pretending to like Max". I feel bad for Mute Max, can he not see that DJ Dickhole is just using him?! I know his teeth were fucked but now that they're fixed can we please get his vision checked out because he's fucking blind.

Lala tells Tilda Swinton's ghost that if he's still into Kristen "be an adult & take the bitch to dinner" so not only is she reading books, she's now also quoting Dr.Phil.

Jax & Hair Straightener have to work behind the bar together & it's only 2.5 seconds before he mentions his band. Normally Mr. Debbie Downer works with his Mrs., but I guess Ariana was too busy coaching Tina Fey & Amy Poehler. Hair Straightener tells Jax how he's mad that he told Kristen & Rachel what Little Ms No Sunshine said about their comedy show.

"It wasn't cool of you to tell them that & blow it completely out of proportion & put us in an awkward position."

UM this was one of the FEW times on the show Jax was being honest. You let your miserable gash of a girlfriend sit there and rag on Kristen & Rachael, & then you're mad at Jax that he told them the truth about it? Tom asks him why Jax didn't stick up for him instead of throwing him under the bus. Stick up for you? WHAT IS THERE TO POSSIBLY DEFEND?

Tom says, "I don't get attention at the expense of other people". No, that's your  girlfriends job- besides being the most famous sketch comedy actress no one has ever heard of. It must be hard to be a comedic actress when you don't physically have the ability to smile. She should go see Lisa's friend Dr. Paul Nasiff about that because I'm starting to think she has Bell's Palsy.

Back in Palm Springs, Scheana & Katie show up to surprise the girls. They ring the doorbell & the girls have no idea who it is.

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They walk into the kitchen & Stassi's face is even more shocked than when Jax walked into that birthday dinner in Vegas on her birthday and ripped his chunky white sweater off. Katie walks in meaning business saying, "The reason I came is to talk to this one". Maybe it's just because I'm on my period, but seeing the look on Stassi's face when Katie says c'mon lets go talk & grabs her hand gives me emotional feels that are normally reserved for the beginnings of animal rescue videos on YouTube before you get to the happy ending where you see the picture of the animal now all healthy & with a shiny coat.

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Katie & Stassi sit down in a room away from the girls- they don't show it but I'm sure the girls are completely silent trying to eavesdrop, I know I would be. They sit down & Katie tells her how much it hurt to be completely cut out of her life after being in it for so long & being such a dedicated friend to her. Stassi tells her she's sorry a million times & tries to explain the reason she cut Katie out was because she was so hurt about her hanging out with Scheana & going to her bachelorette party in Miami after the whole sex tape thing. She tells her how much she cares about her, & misses her, & you can see in her eyes that she would give up her whole closet (well, suitcase because she's squatting) just to have Katie back in her life.

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I think every girl watching this can relate to what’s going on, because we have all had a devastating fight with our best friend & BFF breakups are so much more painful & complicated then boyfriend breakups. Even though Happy Tom already invited Stassi to the engagement party (mostly just to get Stassi to stop crying at that dinner), Katie formally invites her & they hug. To me this is a greater reunion then the Notebook. If Stassi's a bird, Katie's a bird.

Seeing the original girls all together, hugging & drinking it's like seeing the Spice Girls all together again, magical.

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-They have been through an emotional therapy session rollercoaster but now lets party & take some pics!-

Ichabod Crane goes to meet him mom for lunch, which is weird because he is the spawn of Satan. His mom looks like she just got done with getting fillers 10 minutes before meeting him. She is also much shiner than the first time we saw her earlier this season when I thought she was a Janeane Garofalo impersonator.

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She orders oysters, I guess so James isn't the slimiest looking thing in the scene. Nope, he still wins. He tells his mom that he got fired from pressing play on his macbook & she instantly blames Kristen, right, because if Kristen didn't exist in the world your son wouldn't be an alcoholic bus boy who is abusive to women & people's ear drums.

The mom then starts making awkward sexual innuendos about the oysters. Lisa Vanderpump’s sexual innuendos only work because she has a British accent, which his mom does not. So he got this terrible douche-y Oliver Twist accent from his dad (or George Michael). His mom then says, "You know I'm a dirty bitch".

She's trying to be Regina George’s mom & it's not working. You're not the cool mom; you're the mom who sounds like she still wishes she could breast feed.

She says that she's never seen Kristen without a drink in her hand-um, how many times have you actually met Kristen? 0-2 times? And your demon of a son is normally holding not a glass but an entire bottle of alcohol in his hand so lets stop pointing your un-manicured finger at Kristen.

He then tells her "You're one to talk"

"Don't compare me to Kristen, have some respectttt, I'm your motherrrrr"-

Jack Skellington says how it's true what they say about sons dating their moms & that Kristin & his mom are basically the same person with their drinking habits. He says that his mom drank while he was a child. Did he mean to say, "While she was WITH child?" because his face looks like he has fetal alcohol syndrome.

He says that his plan is "quit alcohol, get a MASSIVE 6 pack, kill the album-

His mom says "And get a big, massive billboard with Calvin Klein underwear baby, THAT's what I want to see!"

Well that makes you the one person on the planet that wants to see it, because when you think of Calvin Klein you think Mark Wahlberg, Justin Beiber, & James Kennedy. Calvin Klein? Do you mean Fruit of the Loom Kids? Because your son not only acts, but is still hung like a child.

SO many unanswered questions this episode-

-Who do you think takes "Zombies & Princess" more seriously, Charlie or Ariana?-What do you think George Michael would have to say about James' Oedipus complex?

-Does anyone get a "Flowers in the Attic" vibe from Satan's scrotum & his mom? Because I sure do

-Seriously, where are Gaysian & Faith? Did we just leave Faith on the beach that day because production forgot to bring her back in the van?

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