-If you need to lose 5lbs by tomorrow just keep looking at this, best diet ever-
Kristen wins best dressed at reunion hands down-gown & makeup were flawless!
On the completely opposite end of the class & color wheel we go to the maroon LaLa, who took the fashion forward approach of doing a silvery foundation with a mauve bronzer the same color of her lipstick. She wore a blue velvet dress but since you can only see the top of her, probably for fear of her flashing her lips that AREN'T over drawn, it just looks like she's wearing a gymnastics singlet, which would be appropriate for all those exotic "modeling" positions she has to contort to in Italy.
2nd Runner Up for worst look goes to Ariana Schumer who tried to show she's not a Debbie Downer & wore a "fun" braid from the Jessica Simpson hair extension line that make's her look like a milkmaid in a Texas pageant.The dress with the black choker & deep V with the black censor bar across her boobs makes it look like she's a hooker from Star Wars.
Lisa ditched her signature silk shirt with rhinestone buttons to go for a pink top with a giant red bow that makes it look like she's Mary Poppins who just had a neck lift & is still trying to hide the scars.
We start out with the Mother of Swans announcing that Ichabod Crane has been suspended from PUMP yet again for drinking. They show multiple clips of him chugging Fire Ball, maybe since he's a child Lisa assumed the only drink that would be in his bottle would be milk. But as we have all seen the relationship with his Janeane Garofalo look-alike mother it's very obvious he prefers to breast feed right from the source.
He says for the umpteenth time this season that "I've really learned a lesson from all my drinking mate ya know what I mean & that's not the type of man my mother raised & I'm really trying to work on myself.” No you're not. We've all met your mom & you're literally the spawn of Satan whose gotten one too many fillers from Living Social deals.
Jax says how much he would love to beat the shit out of James & how he's so lucky that he's on probation. I wish Andy would do a charity boxing match of Jax vs. DJ Dickhole because I would personally donate an entire years worth of rent to see Jax turn James crossed eyes into 2 black ones.
It really bothered me that Andy never brought up Ichabod spitting at Kristen & how he spoke to her the whole season, or was he out walking Wacha during all of those scenes?
Jax says what anyone who has watched this show already knows; Ichabod used Kristen to weasel his way onto the show. Tom Hair Straightener automatically makes this about him - because when has he ever not? "No he didn't! It was Kristen who used HIM!" Yes because who wouldn't want to get their hands on that Jack Skellington-like body with an endless number of shitty iTunes playlists & child sized tank tops? This reunion is the first time I've ever seen him fully clothed where he's not wearing a "shirt" that barely covers his nipples & shows his armpits or a button down shirt opened to his naval like he's on Dancing with the Stars.
It's brought up how Kristen discovered that Satan's Scrotum lied to her about cheating on her with one of her friends.Earlier in the season when she blatantly asked him & he denied it saying "I would never do that I love you so much you're the only person I've slept with since I've been dating you" & then in the confessional said "We were definitely bone-in!"
It's somehow turned into how Kristen is the one to blame for being a "psycho" because she found the email. He goes on to say how Kristen was cheating on him the whole time even though these camera people follow them around everywhere & don't you think that if there was even a possibility of her cheating that they wouldn't exploit that for all it's worth. And after the breakup with you calling her every word that should be used to describe your mother, she wouldn't use that to throw back in your fetal alcohol syndrome looking face? I know I would. But she didn't, and we all know she has no problem admitting on camera and owning up to if she's cheated. So why wouldn't she this time? Oh yeah, because she didn't do it & for some unknown reason loved you, thank god she's no longer with you because if she had continued I was going to petition that we need to start a Go Fund Me for a lobotomy.
-What Ichabod Crane was doing to Hair Straightner's dick the whole reunion-
Hair Straightener jumps in (of course he does) because trust me if he's on camera & his lips are moving he's talking about Kristen (or his shitty band that consists of him & one other person), saying how he guarantees she cheated on DJ Dickhole & how over the next few months he'll find out so many more people she's slept with. Mr. Debbie Downer & Ichabod have now formed an alliance & anything he says Ichabod enthusiastically nods his weird shaped head over. His head is so far up Tom's ass he can taste his hair gel.
Once again the original topic & only hard facts that Ichabod cheated on her was just mentioned once & then somehow turned into another attack on Kristen of what their hypotheses are of what might happen in the future, with these imaginary guys she supposedly cheated with that we have no proof. Once again. nice moderating Andy! You're letting them attack her on something that never happened & letting it go on for 10 minutes instead of addressing the asshole that cheated on her ON camera.
Hair Straightener then starts going on about how she cheated on him with Jax because apparently his Don Johnson Miami Vice clothes are stuck in a time warp & so is he because he thinks it's season 2 reunion all over again. JESUS CHRIST, no one wants to hear about this again! It's like Hillary Clinton & the emails. FUCKING MOVE ON. Mr. & Mrs. Debbie Downer still have no shame in cheating on Kristen first (which if you watched the Behind the scenes of season 1 episode you heard on air that at that time Ariana & Tom had already hooked up-which season 1 was a year & a half before Kristen & Jax ever slept together) but whenever it's brought up that's there response-"how dare you say that when you slept with Jax?" No one is denying that fact & neither has she. Yet you want us to believe that all you did with Ariana Schumer is make out in the Golden Nugget pool? #1 No one just "makes out" in a pool in Vegas & then says let's stop right here at the kissing, we don't want to rush our cheating! #2 The Golden Nugget? Of course you would stay at the Golden Nugget, you know what they say-water seeks its own level.
Everyone's attack on Kristen-which has now been the same for 4 reunions is "You're a psycho!" is she really?
-She said that Tom cheated on her with Ariana for 3 seasons, which they denied & she was made to look like an insecure crazy bunny boiler & then it turns out THEY DID CHEAT
-She thought DJ Dickhole was cheating on her & it turns out HE DID CHEAT
SO when you call her a psycho do you mean psychic? Because everything she said has been proven to be true when the whole time you spent trying to convince her & anyone who would listen that she was SUR's Amanda Bynes.
-What would make you think she's having sex with them?!-
We then move on to Oh Na Na who clearly fucked her blind makeup artist’s boyfriend, that's the only explanation for what's happening on the face. When asked about her "modeling job in Italy,” she said she has been taken on so many trips around the world by rich older men that she's lost count, which doesn't surprise me how high do you really think she can count anyway? She says how she's never slept with any of them & how she's the one person on the trip whose not getting laid which I 100% believe. They just fly her across the world to go on yachts & tell them about the latest novel she's reading & talk about an exit strategy for the Middle East.
Shay then comes out & they talk about his problem with alcohol & pills this season & how Scheana was attacked on social media for how she handled his "intervention-non intervention" in their wedding photo gallery of a living room. I don't blame Scheana for how she handled it, she wants to support her husband & it's clear she loves him even more than she loves false eyelashes but she's not Dr. Drew. Plenty of my friends are alcoholics & my only helpful solution is "take an uber." Shay has been sober for 3 months, great so maybe he can become DJ Dickhole’s sponsor & he can do the 12 steps, hopefully off a ledge.
They talk about the tattoo Hair Straightener got in Vegas, which I think was done by La La's makeup artist. He say's that he googled "Cool letter A" to pick the design & it was the first that popped up, he put more time into grooming in his eyebrows that night than he did picking a tattoo. If you wanted it to represent Ariana you should have made the letter all black with a rain cloud above it.
We then bring up Kristen apologizing to the funniest sketch comedy actress that you've never heard of. Debbie Downer says how she didn't accept the apology because she didn't think it was "sincere". Jim Carey from Liar Liar could have apologized to you & you still would have thought it was fake. IS THERE ANYTHING THAT SHE HAS LIKED THIS SEASON?
Seriously, can anyone name one thing that she didn't complain about? Even at her birthday party when she was wearing a unicorn hat outside of a bouncy castle she was complaining about Hair Straightener going to Vegas. She complained about the tattoo he got in honor of her. She complains about when other people do comedy because that's her thing (even though we have never seen her talk about it or do it before this season), not like I would call her "Diary Show" comedy because like I said I was there in the audience of that performance & a reading of Anne Frank’s diary would have gotten more laughs.
Kristen DIDN'T have to apologize to you; there was nothing in it for her! It bothered me so much when Hair Straightener said it was bullshit & his anorexic, albino chihuahua behind him yapping "Yep mate totally fake 100% he's ABSOLUTELY right mate he's spot on!" Well congratulations hair gel your band now officially has 1 more groupie, bringing the grand total to 2.
They said it was totally insincere & was just for her to get her friends back. She was already friends with Jax, Katie, Happy Tom, Stassi, Brittany, Scheana, & Shay - oh yeah that's everyone besides you, Hair Gel, & James.
If somebody apologizes to you, who are you to judge the sincerity of the apology? If the person apologizes they are being the bigger person & owning up to what they did wrong. Saying sorry is one of the hardest things in the world to do-that's why there are 1,000 songs written about it. So if someone apologizes to you, what moral high horse are you on that allows you to dictate how pure the apology was, because you will always find something wrong with the apology no matter how good & honest it is if you still want to continue to hold a grudge. There is nothing that person can ever do in your mind that you'll deem worthy enough of being on your same immortal level. She considers herself to be such a high bar of morality & dignity when in reality the bar is even lower than the one she works behind.
-Someone's been using her word of the day calendar!-
It shows how much growth & maturity Kristen has had because she had no reason to do that other than she felt like Little Miss Miserable deserved it. It wasn't Mother of Swans making her, it wasn't so she could get an invite to that amazing sold out Diary show (which had maybe 30 people in the audience when the Improv seats 200) it was because she wanted to.
They then go back to "You fucked Jax." Oh ok, we are back to this again, when Hair Straightener is still best friends with Jax. Not like Kristen is trying to be friends with them she was apologizing for her own actions towards you. I don't know why you wouldn’t accept it & move on but this is coming from a couple who was personally insulted when they found out other people had a comedy show.
They call Kristen a psycho because the only story line they have is calling Kristen a psycho. Even though the only interaction you guys have had all season is her coming in to apologize & then her defending her best friends career on the beach that you were trying to discredit for no reason. Apologizing & then defending her friend, wow WHAT a psycho!
She apologized to you-even though you cheated with her boyfriend first and have never once had any remorse about it & refuse to see anything wrong or why you need to take responsibility. Not only did you not accept it but were a total cunt about it in the process.
Andy asks Forehead Shaver if there's anything Kristen can do for him to be cool with her to which he snaps with his veins protruding "I am at peace!....I AM AT PEACE! DUDE I AM AT PEACE!!!! I'M JUST FUCKING ANNOYED BECAUSE WHEN THIS IS BROUGHT UP I HAVE A LOT TO SAY & A LOT OF FUCKING DAMAGE HAS BEEN DONE! " I think I've heard the Dalai Lama say something similar to that, so clearly you are at peace.
Oh Na Na then decides to jump in saying how she heard Kristen called her a whorebag. I think that was the whole world calling you a whorebag when you were topless in front of people’s boyfriends & defended it by saying "If you have a problem it means you're insecure & it's not like I was showing my pussy."
It becomes the entire left side of the room all screaming at Kristen at once (seriously why doesn't Bravo subtitle their reunions?! Well not like I care what any of these human gashes have to say but for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion I would like them to). So everyone on the left side minus Scheana is screaming at Kristen at the same time. Hair Straightener attacks her by saying "You're just are regurgitating what your therapist tells you" to which she replies, "That's kind of the point of therapy." Yeah that's pretty much the whole selling point of giving someone in a chair, with a hundred degrees behind them, a bunch of money, because you're supposed to regurgitate what they tell you. Yay, so now we're attacking her for going to therapy!
Sorry if you felt this recap just stuck on Kristen but that’s what the reunion was, an hour of attacking Kristen over:
-How her 2 ex boyfriends speculate that she cheated on Unlikable Jack The Ripper & there are more men she's slept with (yet we have no proof of any of this & the first time we are ever hearing about it) so just going on the words of bitter jealous ex boyfriends who the only camera time they get is talking about her.
-Her being a psycho for finding the email proof that Satan Scrotum cheated on her, which was then a 10-minute attack on her, instead of the original point of JAMES CHEATING ON CAMERA. But yes, the reading of a deleted email is a much bigger scandal, I agree.
-Her sleeping with Jax that happened in season 2, yet not once was this EVER brought up to Jax at this reunion because the problem isn't really about the cheating, it's just something to attack Kristen about.
-Mr. & Mrs. Debbie Downer, Lisa, & Tom's newest fluffer Jack Skellington saying how Kristen is a liar. What a jury of her peers!
-Going to therapy & bettering herself (which they then find a way to make about themselves; how she must only be doing it as a way to get back at them). Ah yes, reverse therapy is VERY common. Speaking of therapy have you ever heard of the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Maybe you should spend more time googling that instead of "Cool Letter A's”.
I don't know if Andy was busy fantasizing a 3 way with him, Wacha, & Anderson Cooper, but way to keep it on track! I give Kristen so much credit, not only for looking the best, hair & outfit wise, but for holding it down that entire time when you have 4 peasants who the only reason they have a paycheck is for the airtime they spent talking about you. If she had a dollar for every time her name was mentioned on this show she'd be richer than Lisa. You can see how much her therapy is paying off because if I was there I wouldn't be able to sit there for 10 seconds without flipping that little restoration hardware coffee table in the middle & attacking them like we were at a Love & Hip Hop reunion.
I hope next episode isn't a continuation of the one woman Salem SUR Witch Trial that they put Kween Kristen on because it was really hard to watch especially when once again the Antichrist get's off completely free. Does he have Max's voice trapped in a seashell like Ursula in The Little Mermaid? What does he have over the people at Bravo that he isn’t accountable for anything?! Why is no one acknowledging that he's baby Hitler besides Jax?! When Jax Taylor is the voice of reason, something is wrong.
Kittens tell me what you think in the comments, what are your conspiracies?
I love you for reading! XOXO
**Special thank you to @Pizzahontas @Tasteofstreep for the gifs!