Jax returns from Hawaii & the sunglass murder trial of the century to his apartment & Southern Angel/hair model Brittany. However, instead of being relieved it's over & just having probation he's more frustrated that he's coming home to a studio apartment smaller than one of his tattoos, & starts blaming & ranting to Angel about everything. He says that he can’t stand how the closet looks because he is a clean freak. Yeah Brittany, how is he supposed to be able to look at all the items he's stolen if things aren't organized?! I was surprised to hear he is a clean freak, for some reason someone who has their bikes hanging on the wall over his kitchen table & poops with the door open didn't strike me as a Jeff Lewis type. He is also frustrated that construction is going on. I'm not really sure how any of this is Southern Angel’s problem but ok.
He says that its her job to find an apartment, I myself live in Los Angeles & I don't know what's harder finding a boyfriend here or finding an apartment, she's already done one of those things so I think she's done. I have lived here for 5 years & I still have no idea where the fuck anything is, that's why I picked where to live based on apartment complexes I saw on The Hills. I was too lazy to go around & look at shitholes I found on Craigslist for fear of getting killed and having my organs sold on the black-market or in poor Southern Angel’s case, her implants.
Somebody who has managed to find an apartment is our Queen Nastassia who is sadly no longer squatting with Kween Kristen which I was secret-ing to the universe & to Andy Cohen to become it's own spinoff. Also does anyone else have a major problem with Stassi's title card? Under her name it says "Former SUR Server." UM anyone watching this knows who fuck she is and a more appropriate title would be "The reason this show was even a hit in the first place."
Stassi managed to find her dream apartment - sky blue walls (her favorite color) & crown molding (to match the invisible crown she wears on her head), maybe Stassi should do a crossover onto Million Dollar Listing because she's amazing at finding real estate.
The movers are just starting to come in with the first boxes, it hasn't even been 5 minutes & Kween Kristen comes to christen the new home with flowers but more importantly alcohol, so it really does feel like home. That is a true friendship. One of the 7,982 things I love about this show is that they really do love each other & after all the shit these girls have been through together that they are still best friends. I stopped talking to one of my best friends because she moved to Santa Monica, which is like a 35-minute drive, I’m sorry, but friendship over I'm not doing that shit. Back at Jax's he's still taking out his jet lag on poor Southern Angel. She remains so calm & understanding, seriously what antidepressants is this girl on because I need them. Ask my pharmacist I have gone down the list A-Z & have never found anything that have made me that rational & pleasant. (If anyone has any Rx cocktail recipes leave them in the comments!)
He says how being in the jail cell was the most calm & sane he's felt since she's moved in since he was finally able to get some peace & quiet. You know you can just go to a yoga class right? Or take a walk (away from the construction area obviously); jail isn't the ONLY quiet place. And granted I haven't been to jail, but from what I've seen on TV & movies it looks super loud with everyone yelling, having dominance fights over top & bottom bunks & who stole their toilet wine.
That is also so mean to say to your perfect girlfriend who left her whole life & family to move across the country to come to a place where the only person & thing she knew was you. I used to think the worst thing my boyfriend could call me was fat, now I think it would be that it was better in jail than being in an apartment with me. If he did say that to me than I would be like "good while since you love jail so much you can go back to it." Then I would call his probation officer, say he stole another pair of plastic Oakley's & have him arrested & sent back to his favorite place in the world. SO just a heads up if any of my future boyfriends are reading this.
At SUR Ichabod Crane goes up to the visit the most hilarious bartending/comedy duo in the world, Tom & Ariana. Hair Straightener asks if he wants a drink & Jack Skellington replies "No mate ya know what I mean I haven't had a drink in two weeks ya know what I mean." I don't know if he means alcohol or if he means not breastfeeding from his Groupon Botoxed-filled mom.
Meanwhile, in the bathroom Scheana is helping Lala Vasquez literally safety pin her Wet Seal tube top dress back together. Lala says how she's nervous about the Bubba's engagement party tomorrow & how she can't believe she was invited. Yeah, neither can we. There is no reason you should be there, I mean I get if you were the hostess at the strip club, Tom & the guys might go to for his Bachelor party but that’s the only way I would picture you involved with this wedding in anyway.
She says she's nervous about how to do her hair & how to dress, Scheana tells her "dress like you're going to be around someone’s mom & grandma.” Yeah LaLa, because you're going to an event & will be in pictures of a day that they will remember forever, so maybe try not to show your nipples or vagina, which will be hard because it's at Lisa's house & you WILL be by a pool.