Vanderpump Rules

The Mother of Swans

 

Aloha! We're finally back from Hawaii after Jax's release from jail for stealing sunglasses. We're no longer in a jail cell,we are now in some place much more confining- his studio apartment. We see his bicycle that is hanging on the wall above his futon bed which is technically in the kitchen/living room/bedroom. No wonder he was trying to steal sunglasses, I wouldn't want to look directly at this shit either.

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Or maybe he was trying to steal sunglasses because the halo around Brittany's head is so bright. Seriously, have we checked that she's real? Or is she like Giggy where she's a robot, no one is that gentle & perfect, especially not in reality TV. Jax is crying saying how the worst part of all of this was having to see the look of disappointment on Brittany's face when he got out of jail. If only he had still had those sunglasses to shield his eyes from that disproving look. I think it's so sweet how much Jax truly loves her because literally everyone has looked at Jax with disgust & disappointment, sometimes multiple times an episode, but this is the first time we have ever seen him genuinely upset & ashamed by his behavior.

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Ariana begrudgingly drops off Jax's suitcase that he left in Hawaii because he was selfishly busy being arrested & getting to take that free guided tour of the Hawaii police department. "This is the consequence of you getting arrested in Hawaii, your "friend," who doesn't even really like you that much most of the time, has to lug this 80 lb bag back to your apartment in Koreatown." Yes, that does seem like the BIGGEST consequence of being arrested, Ariana. I'm sure he interrupted your packed schedule. How did you still manage to find time in the day to do all your complaining & eye rolling exercises? An 80 lb bag is nothing for her because that's the weight of the giant chip she permanently has on her shoulder.

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Back at SUR everyone is talking about Jax's arrest because honestly what else are they going to talk about? It's not likes they're retelling any of Tom or Arianna's jokes. Peter the pirate is probably going to try to get tips on how to steal a buried treasure. Lala from Saved the Last Dance & Ichabod Crane are gossiping at the hostess stand while he smokes his cigarette like he's a mime. I have never in my life seen someone smoke a cigarette like this. It's like he's an alien doing a bad impression of a human trying to smoke. Smoking a cigarette is what I imagine it's like to blow porcelain Satan, holding something small, white & disgusting up to your face that is filled with disgusting shit that will give you diseases.

Lala says how, "There's nothing hot about a guy straight out of jail because he stole a pair of sunglasses, like if he was some sexy drug dealer, had a shit ton of money, THAT'S hot. You stealing sunglasses is lame as fuck." Lala needs to become prison pen pals with El Chapo.

Although I do see lip liners point - one of my movie crushes is Scarface - he's a millionaire cocaine dealer who buys his wife a tiger for a wedding present. I get to be thin & glamorous my whole life with a ton of excess energy to play with my pet tiger in my Miami mansion? Where do I sign up? I don't care how many people me or my tiger have to kill.

Tom says how, "Jax isn't good with being good." If only Jax was as good as hair straighteners vocabulary. Ariana says, "I can't believe I even did such a favor like this for Jax so he better not act like a dick." Oh I'm sorry, did I miss the part where she donated her kidney to him and put it IN the suitcase? Move over Britney, there's a new angel in town! Bartender, hero, ruiner of fun- what can't this girl do? Besides smile.

Back at Kween Kristen's apartment she has Katie & Scheana over for topas & they discuss Jax's arrest. Scheana says how it's one thing to steal bottles of Vanderpump vodka but its completely different & wrong to steal a pair of $300 sunglasses. Scheana needs to take up law, she could be the brunette Elle Woods, or at least Erin Brockovich because they both have a love for crop tops.

Kristen has been hanging out with one of Jax's friends (already a red flag) named Kevin and after a week of hanging out he moved in. I thought only lesbians moved in with each other after the first date. He is squatting at Kristen's apartment like she's a fucking Air B&B. He's already moved in & told her that he loves her. More happened for Kristen in a week with a guy than I've had in 26 years on Earth. Kevin is the crossfit version of Isla Fischer's character in Wedding Crashers - aka The Stage 5 Clinger.

Kristen tries to bring up how her & Stassi have been spending time together & how Stassi really misses her friendship with them. Scheana shuts this down immediately like she's the president of the SUR sorority & says, "We, me, Jax & others don't want her around so she will not be welcomed at all, she doesn't deserve it." Well it looks like Stassi isn't getting a bid to join the sisterhood of the traveling purple Ed Hardy dresses anytime soon.

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Jax & the Toms go to visit southern Mother Teresa at her first day at the Hooters here in West Hollywood (she used to work at the one in KY). I wonder if that's why I have such a soul connection with this saint. I too have worn the orange bike shorts, panty hose, and bunchy leg warmer socks. Yes, I was a Hooters girl when I was in college in Florida. So the fact that Brittany & I have both served our share of "Flappetizers" makes us connected. Jax shows off his Hooters VIP card that gets him 50% off, which is the closest thing you can get to an Amex Black Card.

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Back at Kristen's we see her in the kitchen going about her day while Stage 5 Clinger just sits on the couch & plays with his phone like he's her son home from college. Just like Giggy, this guy will not move. Even though he should know better to fucking peel himself off of the couch & bow to the floor because our queen Stassi has arrived. This clinger peasant just sits. This plebeian is not worthy.

Kristen continues to prove what a talented actress she is by trying to completely ignore Kevin who is the human version of Scheana's wedding canvas pictures - both are giant & have absolutely no reason to be in the living room. Kristen asks Stassi if she wants, "Wine, mimosas, tequila or D-all of the above?" And we have this amazing exchange

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THIS! These are the one liners that we have so dearly missed. Kristen's human leech says, "Are you sure that wine has to deal with antibiotics?"

UMMMM EXSQUEEZE ME STAGE 5!?!?! I must have missed your wine & anti biotics segment on Dr.Oz. If you're a doctor you should get back to Cedars for your rounds instead of continuing to suck Kween Kristen & her refrigerator dry. Who gave you permission to make eye contact let alone speak?!

Also, even if she wanted to drink a cocaine & heroin smoothie it's none of your fucking business because no one knows who the fuck you are & why they're still having to share the same oxygen with you.

Stassi sits down to have girl talk with Kristen because she's going through a rough time in her relationship right now. This is personal & painful for her to discuss so of course couch squatter does the polite thing and continues to sit right there & slowly blink at them. Stassi is really opening up about all her insecurities about herself in relationships & this sack of flour decides to interject his thoughts. Here's all of our thoughts - if we need advice on where to go get a ridiculously douchey faux hawk to make us look like an unemployed hipster lumber jack we will let you know. Until then keep your mouth shut, you have jack-o-lantern teeth & I want them out of sight.

He then tries to compare his week long relationship to the struggles that Stassi is going through with her relationship of 2 years. That's like telling a person who lost their leg that you know how they feel because you once stubbed your toe. WHY IS THIS BEARD TALKING & TAKING UP VALUABLE KRISTEN & STASSI CAMERA TIME? Why can't every guy be like Max Vanderpump & just shut the fuck up!?

They start talking about Jax's fetish for being a kleptomaniac & Stassi tells us how after she brought Jax home for Christmas one year, that her dad later called her & told her that all of his girlfriend's expensive lingerie had gone missing. I'm more disturbed by the fact Jax was rooting around her dad's girlfriend's underwear drawer to begin with. Also, who gives stolen, USED lingerie to someone? Maybe Jax isn't a thief as much as an environmentalist who's really trying to re-purpose items.

Stassi then pulls out a Mui Mui wallet that she nostalgically tells us was the first thing Jax ever stole for her. Which is sort of romantic in a way; he's like Aladdin but with more plastic surgery & worse apartment. I don't know why I'm just now realizing that Peter the pirate is a turban away from looking exactly like Jafar. Why is Peter managing shift schedules at SUR when he could be one of the stars of Disney's Main Street parade? He has made terrible career & hairstyle decisions. Also. why doesn't he own a parrot?! Both characters have the same accessory!!! Seriously, I can't believe I'm just giving out these million dollar ideas for free.

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Meanwhile back at Hooters, Jax informs us that Kevin is still technically living with his girlfriend (NOT Kristen). Is this beard from Utah? Does he think it's normal to have a harem of girls to date? This is fucking Vanderpump Rules, not the Bachelor - on this show you only date & live with one person and then discreetly cheat with someone on the side, but you don't move in with two different girls & go back & forth to your double life. Maybe he left his brain & personality in his real girlfriend's apartment because he certainly did not bring it to Kristen's.

Kristen offers Stassi to move in with her while she figures out her relationship & living situation. I'm sorry Bey & Jay Z but this is the REAL power couple we have been waiting for.

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Jax is summoned to the kingdom, aka Villa Rosa, & has to face the queen of diamonds, roses & silk rhinestoned blouses. Lisa tries to get into Jax's brain about why he does these things.

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She asks him why he thinks it's OK to steal everything from vodka to sunglasses and even his best friend's girlfriend. Lisa says it's not about what he took, it's about the principal of it, and that as a business owner she's very sensitive to that. I give Jax a lot of credit because as a klepto going to Lisa's house must be like a recovering drug addict going to a party at Charlie Sheen's - there's just so much temptation. I mean I want to steal everything that Lisa owns (except for Ken).

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Lisa says how she can't trust Jax. I'm sorry, you can't trust Jax but you trusted James to administer your only son's dental medication while away on vacation? Her judgment of character is as off as the placement of those false eyelashes of hers. Lisa darling, you are a real life queen from a story book, you live in a castle surrounded by a million roses, you have a moat with swans in it, you have white unicorn ponies in your backyard, you walk through your sprawling mansion carrying around a small dog in a custom made velvet tuxedo - you spare no expense when it comes to literally everything else - except eyelashes & a good glue. I don't get what is happening here. Are these Ardell eyelashes from the beauty aisle at Walgreens her way of saying, "See!? I'm still one of you regular people! I have my maid Rosia put my pants on for me one leg at a time"

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Lisa asks Jax to justify why she should still keep him as an employee & how he isn't a hazard to the restaurant. Um, if we want to talk about a hazard, why don't we talk about the human sized douche bag that handles the silverware we eat off of. What do you think the California Health Department would have to say if they knew a 105 lb Summers Eve pump was wiping down tables? He's a real health hazard, it's amazing a customer hasn't choked on their own vomit when they see him moving to the beat of his iTunes playlist from his sticker adorned laptop. He is the human version of bird flu. James is like a bird in a lot of ways: similar bone structure, beady eyes, same sized penis, & the only thing they produce is shit - which is exactly what his music is. I feel badly comparing animals to Satan's scrotum because I am the biggest animal lover & even the worst animal (which we can all agree is Kim Richard's dog Kingsley, even he doesn't deserve to be compared to this dickhole).

   

 

 

Jax is exiled from the kingdom & put on suspension from SUR like it's high school & Jax is the Zach Morris who needs to learn his lesson. Oh that Jax!!! Basically Lisa just gave him a two week vacation, which is perfect because he needs some R&R after his Hawaii vacation 3 days ago. Jax, Britney & Kristen get together for drinks. Kristen's tick with a beard shows up & Jax asks Beard point blank if he has a girlfriend. Beard says no. Kristen says that he did tell her that he has a girlfriend. Beard's alibi starts to deteriorate before our eyes & he admits that yes he did/does/at one point/maybe possibly in the future something something about a girlfriend.

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This waste of perfectly good camera time is waved off by Kween Kristen like the annoying house fly he is. Kristen is finally using all of her cool, confident power she has in her, and without even having to raise her voice, she just gestured him off like she's a real life Mariah Carey & I'm living for it. Vote Doute & Schroeder 2016.

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The next day Stassi & Kristen are at the apartment & Stassi says how she is going to go talk to Lisa. I give Stassi a lot of credit because instead of talking to Lisa, why not just stay there and talk about how pretty you both are. That's literally all I would talk about. Well, that and ways to poison DJ rat face without it being traced back to us. I mean, how do you poison someone who doesn't eat? (Hhhhmmm, clearly more thought must be put into this plan. Let's workshop it & come back with some more ideas next recap shall we?)

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Stassi tells Kristen that the day she moved to NYC to be with her boyfriend she got a call about how an ex boyfriend was trying to sell a video of her doing the m word. Lisa called her & said he came into the restaurant blackmailing Stassi for $900 or he was going to leak the tape. This is so despicable for so many obvious reasons, the fact a human would even do this, the fact there is a "human" out there even more despicable than James? And  - I'm sorry but $900?!?!?!

Don't you think that is the weirdest amount to ask for? Even completely clothed she's fucking priceless, & you are demanding $900 for this tape, to what, pay your months rent in your culver city shit hole? It's just such an odd amount to pick, what made him stop & go "$1,000 is too expensive, $750 is too low, I know...$900!!! That's perfect!"

$900? Even if you had $90,000 it won't even begin to cover the surgery you're going to need if I ever run into you, or OVER you with my g wagon. I will cut off your pathetic excuse for a dick & feed it to Hanky the sick swan who is slowly but surely recovering from his eating disorder. If this baby Hitler is reading my blog, which let's be honest, who isn't, and you see a black g wagon, be afraid. Be very afraid. I have no job at the moment so I literally have all the time in the world to hunt you down. Like Liam Neison, ''I have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you."

Stassi says how she told Lisa she wasn't going to give this piece of shit $900 & it just goes to prove again why she is queen & should be president - SHE DOESN'T FUCKING NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS.

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She said how Lisa later called her back & told her that "she had taken care of it". Lisa went & paid him in cash, with no record of it or signed contract. The paying for everything in all cash was very Italian of her but the trusting his word wasn't. We Italians never trust anyone except family.

Also, why the fuck did Lisa trust this Rick Solomon/Ray J wannabe but you're still not sure if you can trust Jax?!? I'm sorry but in what world is the  word of a blackmailing pornographer more trust worthy than the sunglass hut hamburglars? Once again they weren't Dana Wilkey's sunglasses!!!

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Stassi says how she needs to see Lisa face to face & has to quote, "Go kiss the ring."

Stassi quoting The Godfather is everything & so brilliantly accurate for the dynamic of this whole show..

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For some reason we waste time on a random cut away of unlikable Jack Skellington & Lala at a modeling shoot. The founders of the company are brothers who say their idea for their line was, "Matching male underwear & socks." We may not have a cure for cancer or AIDS, but ground breaking products like this makes me feel like we are one step closer. Today, matching underwear & socks. Tomorrow flying cars. I didn't know a sock line could get more pathetic than when skinny Rob Kardashian (may he RIP) came out with that god awful Arthur George line. If a Kardashian product couldn't even break into the sock market, wtf shot do you think you and your doofus brother have?

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Ichabod Crane begins his "modeling"? The only thing that makes James a model is his anorexia. That's it. In that case, Hanky could be a model. He certainly has more talent than James, and would probably look more natural while smoking a cigarette.

This shoot is hard to watch for so many reasons but also because I feel like Jared Fogel having to look at Evil Porcelain doll in underwear. James has the face of baby, a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome, but still a baby. How many matching socks did we have to stuff with to make him look like he's gone through puberty? I can't stop thinking about is how weird it must be for Lala to be wearing this much clothing, for her this is practically Amish.

Finally we cut back to the showdown we have all been waiting for, this is Vanderpump Rules fans version of the Manny Pacquiao Floyd Mayweather fight. Stasis's green dress she wears to SUR gives me such outfit envy that I'm pretty much the same shade of green as the dress now. Bravo needs to look into having a running feed on the bottom whenever the girls are on screen telling us what brand each piece of clothing is. Obviously when I say all the girls, I just mean Stassi, Kristen,Katie & Scheana ( and none for Ariana,La La or Gretchen Weiners, k bye.) If Stassi is having to grovel, at least she's going to look bomb while doing it.

I'm nervous just watching her walk up to Lisa; this is scarier than any Hawaiian jail cell you could be stuck in. She is having to walk up & confront the Mother of Swans herself.

Seeing these two come face to face is like seeing Lady Gaga & Madonna go head to head, different generations, same HBIC status.

Stassi says, "I know I'm probably the last person you want to see."

Lisa looks up slowly from her business planner and gives her a look that is so chilling it made me shiver just watching it from the safety of my cat haired covered couch.  She says in the most proper passive aggressive way that only British people can pull off and still sound perfectly polite, "This OLD WOMAN is kind of busy, isn't that the last thing you called me in public Stassi? I don't have any interest in anything you have to say."

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Stassi starts trying to apologize about the way she handled the situations of her leaving & her relationships with not just Lisa but her other friends. Lisa is not here for it. She tells Stassi how disrespectful she was to her, the restaurant, the staff & how she turned her back on her after everything Lisa did for her. Stassi, Lisa gave you a waitressing job, you owe her you & Patricks first born.

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Stassi is crying (but makeup still remains perfect - (note to self, ask Stassi for makeup product list). She tries to give Lisa $900 in cash to pay her back & Lisa refuses saying it's insulting. If you're going to give money to any Vanderpump it should go to silent but strong Max. He should be rewarded for being the only guy on this show to not say dumb shit.

Stassi has apologized multiple times - no luck. Tried to repay the money - no luck. She tries to get up to leave since Lisa has made it clear she doesn't want this apology nor will she accept it - still no luck. Lisa doesn't want any of the things Stassi is desperately & honestly trying to offer her but yet when she stands up to leave Lisa tells her, "You can stay there we have more to talk about." We now have this exchange which I feel is like a scene we should be getting from The Real Housewives.

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Lisa asks Stassi what she wants & why she came here & she tearfully replies that she wants to apologize and make amends with the people she truly cares about. Lisa really is the female version of the Godfather, and instead of stroking a white cat, she is stroking a dog that may or not be filled with sawdust. You must pay respect to the Don, or in her case the Dame, because they control everyone & everything in their territory. And Lisa's territory just happens to serve fried goat cheese balls.

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Lisa asks her what makes her think they will even forgive her & Stassi points out that they all have managed to forgive each other for really horrible things - no one in this cast and I mean the real OG cast, not the thirsty fetuses that are being featured so predominately this year.

Jax sleeping with his best friends girlfriend, Kristen sleeping with her best friends boyfriend, slaps, punches, drinks thrown in faces, teeth falling out (OK, I guess that fight was just between Scheana & her own gums, but still, DRAMAAAAA!). This group has forgiven each other for almost everything, where I still haven't forgiven Sarah Gartamn from moving me from #2 to #7 on her Myspace top 8 in junior year of high school - I never have forgiven her & I never fucking will. So it's a good thing I don't work at SUR because the only thing that I cling tighter to than my purse around Jax is my resentment.

So many unanswered questions.

-This episode aired the first day of black history month & still no answer or leads on to Faith's disappearance. For all we know, she's still waiting for the rest of the group to join her at the Hawaii airport shuttle.

-Do the police still have the sunglasses in their evidence locker? Was Steven Avery's fucking DNA on them? Why is this still a crime Hawaii PD is following up on? We have a missing waitress with a grey weave who still hasn't been seen or heard from but yes, let's spend more time on the sunglasses. I feel like there's more to this case than meets the eye. Perhaps Jax recruited sweet Hooters angel as a decoy to smuggle more stolen sunglasses into the states while hiding them in her Topanga hair.

-Are the people of the world ready for such a daring & new concept of matching underwear & socks?

-What is Hanky's BMI up to?!

-Will Stassi ever get discounted goat cheese balls again?

-How do we know Jax didn't just steal the nose he has now?

-And the most important question of all - How are Max's teeth?!?!?!

So many unsolved mysteries in this episode kittens! Tell me your thoughts, on everything & anything - but mostly what you think about Lisa's eyelashes that look like spiders drowned in Latisse. I love you more than Lala loves brown lip liner!