Jax returns from Hawaii & the sunglass murder trial of the century to his apartment & Southern Angel/hair model Brittany. However, instead of being relieved it's over & just having probation he's more frustrated that he's coming home to a studio apartment smaller than one of his tattoos, & starts blaming & ranting to Angel about everything. He says that he can’t stand how the closet looks because he is a clean freak. Yeah Brittany, how is he supposed to be able to look at all the items he's stolen if things aren't organized?! I was surprised to hear he is a clean freak, for some reason someone who has their bikes hanging on the wall over his kitchen table & poops with the door open didn't strike me as a Jeff Lewis type. He is also frustrated that construction is going on. I'm not really sure how any of this is Southern Angel’s problem but ok.
He says that its her job to find an apartment, I myself live in Los Angeles & I don't know what's harder finding a boyfriend here or finding an apartment, she's already done one of those things so I think she's done. I have lived here for 5 years & I still have no idea where the fuck anything is, that's why I picked where to live based on apartment complexes I saw on The Hills. I was too lazy to go around & look at shitholes I found on Craigslist for fear of getting killed and having my organs sold on the black-market or in poor Southern Angel’s case, her implants.
Somebody who has managed to find an apartment is our Queen Nastassia who is sadly no longer squatting with Kween Kristen which I was secret-ing to the universe & to Andy Cohen to become it's own spinoff. Also does anyone else have a major problem with Stassi's title card? Under her name it says "Former SUR Server." UM anyone watching this knows who fuck she is and a more appropriate title would be "The reason this show was even a hit in the first place."
Stassi managed to find her dream apartment - sky blue walls (her favorite color) & crown molding (to match the invisible crown she wears on her head), maybe Stassi should do a crossover onto Million Dollar Listing because she's amazing at finding real estate.
The movers are just starting to come in with the first boxes, it hasn't even been 5 minutes & Kween Kristen comes to christen the new home with flowers but more importantly alcohol, so it really does feel like home. That is a true friendship. One of the 7,982 things I love about this show is that they really do love each other & after all the shit these girls have been through together that they are still best friends. I stopped talking to one of my best friends because she moved to Santa Monica, which is like a 35-minute drive, I’m sorry, but friendship over I'm not doing that shit. Back at Jax's he's still taking out his jet lag on poor Southern Angel. She remains so calm & understanding, seriously what antidepressants is this girl on because I need them. Ask my pharmacist I have gone down the list A-Z & have never found anything that have made me that rational & pleasant. (If anyone has any Rx cocktail recipes leave them in the comments!)
He says how being in the jail cell was the most calm & sane he's felt since she's moved in since he was finally able to get some peace & quiet. You know you can just go to a yoga class right? Or take a walk (away from the construction area obviously); jail isn't the ONLY quiet place. And granted I haven't been to jail, but from what I've seen on TV & movies it looks super loud with everyone yelling, having dominance fights over top & bottom bunks & who stole their toilet wine.
That is also so mean to say to your perfect girlfriend who left her whole life & family to move across the country to come to a place where the only person & thing she knew was you. I used to think the worst thing my boyfriend could call me was fat, now I think it would be that it was better in jail than being in an apartment with me. If he did say that to me than I would be like "good while since you love jail so much you can go back to it." Then I would call his probation officer, say he stole another pair of plastic Oakley's & have him arrested & sent back to his favorite place in the world. SO just a heads up if any of my future boyfriends are reading this.
At SUR Ichabod Crane goes up to the visit the most hilarious bartending/comedy duo in the world, Tom & Ariana. Hair Straightener asks if he wants a drink & Jack Skellington replies "No mate ya know what I mean I haven't had a drink in two weeks ya know what I mean." I don't know if he means alcohol or if he means not breastfeeding from his Groupon Botoxed-filled mom.
Meanwhile, in the bathroom Scheana is helping Lala Vasquez literally safety pin her Wet Seal tube top dress back together. Lala says how she's nervous about the Bubba's engagement party tomorrow & how she can't believe she was invited. Yeah, neither can we. There is no reason you should be there, I mean I get if you were the hostess at the strip club, Tom & the guys might go to for his Bachelor party but that’s the only way I would picture you involved with this wedding in anyway.
She says she's nervous about how to do her hair & how to dress, Scheana tells her "dress like you're going to be around someone’s mom & grandma.” Yeah LaLa, because you're going to an event & will be in pictures of a day that they will remember forever, so maybe try not to show your nipples or vagina, which will be hard because it's at Lisa's house & you WILL be by a pool.
We see the Queens getting ready & they're planning they're strategy of entering the engagement party like it's Ocean's 11, or in they're case 2, but with the drinking tolerance of 11.
Queen Stassi is nervous about party crashing for the first time "The only thing holding me back right now is I have self-respect & dignity, thank god for Kristen who is unburdened by those anchors." Kween Kristen wonders if Lisa will kick them out, well she does have 13 guard dogs (4 of which have alopecia), 6 guard swans (at least one with an eating disorder so Hanky will be easy to outrun), & 2 midget ponies but Kristen is a vegetarian, so have her throw her dinner of carrots to distract them & Roscia the house maid is probably too busy inside making sure no one uses the 18 bathrooms, & of course red chested Ken is too busy picking out Giggy's outfit.
Kween Kristen says the Antichrist has been texting her so I guess that AT&T gets really good reception in hell. She says she hopes he turns his life around & I just hope he turns his car into oncoming traffic.
The Bubba's did such an amazing job setting up the Linen & Lace engagement party, which they did all themselves. Katie was setting up the umbrellas & tables in sweltering summer heat in her party dress without having her hair fall flat & having her makeup remain flawless, if that were me my guests would have been slipping in my face that had melted on to the floor. We met most of Katy & Tom’s family who are so adorable & loving and look like what normal parents should look like. Not like the Botched audition tape that James’ mom is clearly shooting every time she's on camera.
Ohh Na Na shows up in a white lace v-neck dress that is so low cut it shows underboob, which you know every Grandma loves! The white lace "dress" LaLa is wearing makes her look like a Vegas stripper about to be married by an Elvis impersonator at one of those little 24-hour wedding chapels. Faith shows up (I KNOW!!!) in the same black felt hat she wore in Hawaii, it must be her signature 105 degree summer hat, she's also wearing a black lace crop top and & long black lace skirt like she just came from a funeral of all her scenes that were cut from this season, but Kittens I'm just happy we get to see her one last time!
Lala says "Before I left the house I had approximately 14 mimosas & a couple shots before I came here." Man her book club drinks A LOT! So much alcohol & not one mirror in your house to look at your hair?
Everyone is playing lawn games & socializing but the real life’s of the party have their own high-top table. Hair Straightener rapidly fans himself with a paper fan looking even more effeminate than Marie Antoinette & Ariana is blowing bubbles. I was wrong for saying she wasn't talented in an earlier blog post, because she is. It takes a lot of talent to still manage to look miserable while blowing bubbles.
The gates to the Palace of Villa Rosa open & the Queens walk up the ridiculously long & grand driveway. Between the anxiety & all the exercise I'm out of breath just watching it, better them than me!
Kween Kristen asks "What if she throws us off her mountain?" Yes I could see where that could put a damper on the engagement party, but if Scheana's engagement party can handle Jax & Tom getting into a fist fight & hurting her tooth, Katie & Tom’s can handle you getting thrown off the mountain because at least than you could sue & get all that Vanderpump Sangria money & split it half with them!
Ichabod Crane squawks "Oohhhh I see trouble." like the tattle tale douche-y little Oliver Twist that he is, also how can you even see them from that far away with your crossed eyes? Every one turns to look & Jax says out loud "Dayum Stassi looks good," this is one of the few times Jax has told the truth.
Katie runs up & hugs them because she's so genuinely happy that her best friends still showed up to support her. I think it's so brave, not just that they showed up, I'm most impressed with that they are able to hug people & not get their makeup on other people’s all white outfits, I just have to give people a Howie Mandel fist bump instead.
The Queens go up to the Mother of Swans & I'm so nervous just watching, because she's not even clutching stuffed Giggy or a glass of rosé so I'm suspicious of why she has to have her hands free & I'm wondering if she's planning a Joan Collin’s Dynasty slap.
She just says "Oh no... It's been a beautiful afternoon, don't fuck it up." She surprisingly doesn't look pissed she just looks at Katie and kind of gives her "this is your thing you're in charge just don't go in the house & knock over one of my 437 flower arrangements" look & walks off.
Stassi & Southern Angel Brittany meet for the first time and they are completely friendly with each other. Stassi says how she's always said that Jax has great taste in girlfriends, which is true. Every girlfriend he's ever had has always been insanely beautiful & way younger than him, he's like the Leonardo DiCaprio of SUR & his 3rd nose was like his Oscar.
We then see Unlikable Jack the Ripper playing make believe Coyote Ugly throwing empty liquor bottles up in the air and back & forth in his hands impressing no one because no one is even watching him. He is literally the child at the party running around in the backyard doing totally average mundane things going, "Look at me!!! Look what I can do!!!"
He then goes up to Kween Kristen & pulls out the PUMP cd with the cover that looks like he made it on Microsoft Paint. On top of it not even being music, who has real CD's anymore?!? My Macbook doesn't even have a slot for CD's! Why don't you just go ahead & make a fucking PUMP cassette tape & 8-track while you're at it?
He keeps showing her the CD, once again what is there to show- the 5-track names of robot laser keyboard sounds? Lala & her Troll Doll hair keep skulking or in her case skanking in the background glaring. "Everything about Kristen pissed me off, I hate her hair, her outfits are shit, I hate her shoes, and I hate everything about her." Topless girls in houses with shitzu hair & Charlotte Rouse platform shoes shouldn't throw stones.
Mother of Swans gets up & says how much she loves the Bubbas & how she wishes them the best & asks if anyone wants to say anything & Kween Kristen raises her hand. Dammit Kristen we wanted to hear a hilarious toast from Ariana! But fine, I guess.
Kween Kristin & Stassi both get up to do the speech because they have known the Bubbas the longest & as they're making the speech Little Miss Ratchet Muffin drunkenly screams from the back "WRAP IT UP!!!" which is coincidentally what James’ dad SHOULD have done.
Are you fucking kidding me Lisa? You were worried about Kristen & Stassi making a scene & you're letting Troll Doll Hair whose dress is so low you can almost see her stomach jewel heckle an engagement speech? I was in the audience at Ariana's "comedy" journal show & I didn't even heckle that.
Mrs. Bubba has to get up at her own party while her two best friends are trying to give her a toast & has to defend them in front of the crowd politely since she is in front of nana's & pop pops & can't say, "Hey LaLa shouldn't you be sucking some old mans liver spots off right now for a trip to Capri?" But instead is polite and said, "This is my engagement party & these are my friends and if anyone has a problem with that you don't have to be here." Klassy Katie remains flawless & Lala remains a low down dirty monkey with a shitzu wig on.
We now head to SUR for the after party & Ichabod Crane goes up to Jax and gets in his face & says, "Don't tempt me tonight boy." Jax says how he already seems to be tempted enough because he's drunk & Ichabod has a defensive tantrum, "No no no I haven't mate I've had 3 joints that IT!" Since when did they start making joints out of cocaine?
Scheana pulls Ariana Schumer from what I'm sure was about to a be a great story she was going to tell & they go outside to talk about their friendship & Scheana breaks down about how she misses her and how it's different hanging out with Kristen, Stassi, & Katie. I'm sure it is a different experience being around people who smile. Scheana apologizes to HER which I still have no idea why, she still has to make the drinks for your tables whether you're friends or not!
Back inside, we see Peter & Gaysian (OMG you guys the producers let them all of the van for the finale!) and Lala is manically pulling on her Bam Bam pony tail for the umpteenth time, it's really frizzing and you can definitely tell she didn't go to Giggy’s dog groomer because this is the hair equivalent of James’ music- absolute shit.
She goes over to Jack Skellington & starts licking his face as a sign of ownership, which is basically like peeing on him, like the shitzu bitch she is. They are literally holding each other’s tongues for seconds. I've never seen a birthing video but I imagine it's as disgusting & disturbing as this. How is this not a health code violation? If the California Health Department were watching this episode the rating card in the front window would go from an A to a C real quick. If I knew I was going to see a scene like that I would have ordered a cheat meal because I literally just threw up.
Kween Kristen has the same reaction that anyone with eyes has-, which is dry heaving & says what we are all thinking, "It's like a walking STD."
YAAASSSSS!!!! SLAY QUEEN! You are the original, you are the reason we have a show & that they unfortunately fucking have a job, they should be bowing down & only be making eye contact when given permission.
Queen continues speaking our truth, "Can you just leave because no one here likes you."
Gash-I'm the one person babe you don't want to fuck with! Don't fucking cross me bitch
Queen- "I'm really scared," she remains so calm & confident like she's Chanel Oberlin from Scream Queens
Lala now shows us her audition tape for Bad Girls Club by coming up & SHOVING Kween.
Gash- Sit the FUCK DOWN!
OHNOOSHEFUCKINGDIDNTTTTTTTTTTT - but that is the only time in her life that girl will ever feel what non-polyester fabric feels like.
How Kween didn't rip her Icing by Claire’s hoops right out of her earlobes I don't know, but that's because she's a queen & doesn't touch trash, that's James’ job because he's a busboy. The fact Kween didn't scalp that Bratz ponytail off of her head shows how flawless she is & she doesn't need to dirty her hands by touching that Sally's beauty supply weave.
Slorebag runs out because that’s what you do after you make a big dramatic gesture to get a lot of camera time & then you realize you're not Cookie from Empire, you're a girl who clearly watched Jessica Alba in Honey & Julia Stiles in Saved the Last Dance one too many times. You're just a girl from Utah who still says the word "Mommy" so you run out of the restaurant to the back lounge. Stassi tells her she needs to own up & apologize & Lala says she's so tired of apologizing to people & "if people don't want to be my friend they can blow me," all that book reading is paying off!
I am surprised she didn't apologize, it's not like that girl has any problems getting on her knees.
As if that wasn't disturbing enough to watch we now have to be subjected to the same song we saw just a week ago of "Lets Touch in Public" but this time it's a "live" lip-sync version, without the distraction of props like the dildo guitar or Faith licking a book. It's just Hair Straightener & his Screech from Saved by the Bell doppelganger band mate in their jackets that look like gay camo print. Their band name shouldn't be called Charles McMansion, it should be called "Boys 2 Menorah" because they look like a bat mitzvah hype men.
I love that Lisa thought it was a comedy song like a Weird Al Yankovic and kept looking around confused & whispered, "is this supposed to be funny?" I will say his music is 100% funnier than Ariana's comedy.
After the performance Ichabod sits behind Ken & Giggy for protection & puts his arm around him & keeps calling him "Poppa Bear". I love Ken because he doesn't have to say anything because the look on his face is "I'm seventy fucking years old & out of my whole life this is by far the worst moment."
Lisa asks him if he's drinking-, which of course he denies & says he’s only had 3 joints, & says he feels like he's in space & like he's not even here. Ugh if only that were true. He then goes on to say he's also had 4 pot brownies on top of the joints. Listen, no one believes you about the not drinking thing and definitely no one believes that you ATE 4 brownies. He is slurring & speaking at a volume as if he's in a stadium & Kristina Kelly aka the Lily Aldridge of SUR tells him that it's obvious he's wasted because Stevie Wonder could see that.
Satan’s Scrotum- "Youuuu shut the fuckk up!”
Lily Aldridge- "Don't talk to me that way"
Satan's Scrotum- "Shut you fucking mouth"
Jax & Angel watch from the bar & Jax gets upset & says he can't talk to women like that, THANK YOU! How is Jax the adult that's holding him accountable & not Papa Bear & Mother of Swans? C'Mon Peter this is your big moment to say something! Aren't you a manager? Also why did no one acknowledge that Peter was wearing a cross body bag the whole night? Is it for your gold doubloons or crackers for Iago?
Now James has stood up & at this point Ken & Peter are just leaning on either side of the bar like bookends. Do they just figure, "I didn't get any one-on-one confessionals this year, fuck this let it happen what do I care, I'm 1 line-up from Gaysian & Faith on the call sheet."
Jax says he needs to calm down & stop being disrespectful to women.
Satan's Scrotum: I'm disrespectful to women? You've fucked over a hundred girls.
Angel gets in between them & has her hands on Jax’s chest, Angel protect your own chest they're new & fabulous! She has to hold Jax back because DJ dickhole is just baiting him because he knows he's on probation so he can't do anything to him, so he's safe no matter wait. It's like threatening a boxer through the TV. VERY manly. He is the biggest pussy in the world, which is why him & Lala get along so well, he is the biggest & she has the biggest.
Jax- I'll put my fucking fist in your fucking face!
Ichabod- (sitting down at a table smoking like a mime in Paris with his shirt almost completely unbuttoned) Fucking hit me! You can't old man! Do you think I couldn't take you?
Lisa FINALLY decides to maybe step in, I don't know if she was busy sipping tea or making some cheeky sexual innuendo but she simply says "Hey, hey, hey"
Ok Fonz way to really step in & break it up!
Ichabod- Come at me
Jax- You're about 150 pounds soaking wet please let me put my fist in your face!
Ichabod- don’t cross me in front of Lisa! (he screams over her shoulder & then goes back to hiding behind Lisa using her body & diamonds as a shield like the man he is)
Jax-You wanna go?
Ichabod-Be a good boy OLD MAN!
Jax-I'm 200 pounds heavier than you I'll drop you!
**Sidebar-I love when men get in fights they announce their weight & keep upping it in competition with one another. Girls would NEVER do this in a million years, we don't even want the nurse to tell us our weight when we go in for check ups let alone scream it in public during a fight.
Now Brittany, Mr.Bubba, Peter (fucking finally) are all holding Jax back.
Ichabod - "I'm going to take myself out of the situation, later!" Walks out, then turns back around, stands in the doorway sticks a cigarette in his mouth giving the peace sign & gives us this image that I have watched no less than 300 times.
As if that isn't bad enough, 2 seconds later he then comes BACK. He is literally the herpes of people, just when you think you've gotten rid of him he pops back up. He comes in to kiss Kween Kristin on the cheek & she responds "I feel like I just got an STD on my face" I'm officially dead.
He walks out & Lala is sitting by the trash bags - which is honestly the group she looks the most comfortable with. She asks if he wants to go home with her & they walk off making out, which is perfect because there's not one disease that the other doesn't already have so they're a match made in heaven.
The moment we've been waiting for is Jax going up & having a sit-down conversation with Stassi & we get flashbacks to in the beginning when they were a mix of a Allie & Noah from the Notebook with the cheating & drinking habits of Elizabeth Taylor & Richard Burton.
Jax says how it's been 3 years & how he wants her to know that if she ever needed anything she could still call him tomorrow & he would be there. She says how she is surprised to hear that & so am I and during this whole amazingly enlightened conversation all I can look at is how fabulous Stassi's lip color is.
They talk about how they hope that since enough time has passed that they can be in the same room. Stassi tells him she really doesn't want him to fuck it up with Southern Angel. Seriously Jax, don't screw this up or I will find you & rip you apart like you're a chunky white sweater. You need to lock this girl down, I know you put some double DD's on her to make it a little bit harder for her little angel wings to fly off but if she drinks enough red bull she could be gone. She is the best thing that has ever happened to you, or to anyone. Please go steal someone’s engagement ring (as long as it's not Katie's) and propose to her before I do.
Everyone goes home happy except for me as I sit on my couch & ugly cry because I can't believe it's over. Vanderpump Rules is a show that needs to be on all year round, like soap operas, or the news. We still have so many questions we never got answered?
-Why was Lisa throwing a Madea church hat in the opening credits that didn't even match her outfit?!
-Why were LaLa & DJ Dickhole at the engagement party & NOT Gordo?!
-Will the Bubba's be using Scheana's wedding planner that she found on Instagram who spent the whole wedding in flip-flops picking up plastic cups?
-Did Gaysian, Mute Max, & Faith just take some Buddhist monk vow of silence that we just don't know about?
-In Ichabod Cranes' "music" video, do you think there's any chance that's lead based paint & my prayers have been answered?
Well my Kittens, I can't wait for the reunion where hopefully Andy Cohen will hold the peasants accountable for their behavior because Mother of Swans sure hasn't. She cares about punishing them as much as she cares about hiding the white glue on her fake eyelashes, which at this point she is using as eyeliner. Speaking of makeup Oh Na Na decided to go with a mauve bronzer to match her lipstick & a blue velvet singlet to compete in a children's gymnastics competition.
I love you for reading. XOXO
14 days to April 4th, which is the premiere of Southern Charm you're future obsession, TRUST ME! Please do yourself a favor & go watch season 1 right now. There are only 8 episodes & it has all the drama of season 1 & 2 of VPR cheating & pregnancy scares but on plantations & in white dinner jackets. You're welcome.