This episode of Vanderpump Rules is what we have all been waiting for, no we didn't find out the cause of Hanky the swans eating disorder,something much better- our mother fucking queen has returned! I have not been this excited about a reunion since the Spice Girls.
But before we get to the real reason everyone started watching this show to begin with, we have to start at the beginning of the episode in Hawaii.
All the gang is by the pool doing beer bongs like they're back in college, but something is off & it's not just James left eye. We are by a body of water but there is no topless Lala to be found. We know something is wrong because it's not like Lala to miss an opportunity to put something big down her throat. James aka Dobby the house elf go to find her along with mute Max & token Faith.
Just an hour ago she was a fortune teller on Love & Hip Hop & now we find her in the hotel room like this
Lala's in bed, her face clean from crying her gypsy tears. She can't understand what everyones problem is about her being topless & tells Faith "Here's the thing babe, you were JUST as naked as I was today, and I've been put on blast!"
FINALLY! Thank you Lala for being the first & only one to acknowledge Faith's boobs. I was so insulted for her that no one cared. If anyone should be crying on this trip it should be Faith! Lala is frustrated because Jax blatantly denied ever saying this to her.
She says how she doesn't want to be around anyone right now & she just wants to be by herself-so of course James, Mute Max & Faith just continue to stand there. If it had just been Mute Max it would have been fine since that's still basically being by yourself. By the way Mute Max is giving us some serious Spencer Pratt flesh colored beard action.
Lala says in her best baby stripper voice "Lets go night night" & James crawls into bed with her & takes his jeans from the Ryan Seacrest collection off because he says they're wet (I would not be surprised if James actually still wets his pants because he is basically a toddler & according to LaLa still hung like one.) James takes his pants off & tries to snuggle up to LaLa like a child that's way to old to be breast feeding. Lala says "James C'mon... I've had a rough night... please" this poor girl doesn't even have the strength or energy to get her pepper spray. James continues to completely ignore the physical & verbal signs of her saying "No" & pushing him away, maybe his knock off Beats By Dre headphones have affected his hearing. Or maybe the real reason is he's just a rapey porcelain doll.
She is sad,tired & embarrassed, so I bet what she really wants right now is to have your Jack Skellington body grinding up against her with your micro penis. Lala tells him he's annoying & his response is "I'm not annoying, you're just a tease" Clearly Lisa Vanderpump hasn't had HR do a "sexual harassment" seminar. Lala asks for Faith to get into bed with her & for James to get out which he of course handles very maturely with "Are you fucking kidding me? This is complete bullshit!" He mutters something about Jax but since he sounds like Oliver Twist (if Oliver had been a douche bag instead of an orphan)it's really hard to understand him. Even Max the mime finally speaks up with "Hey man, calm down" WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THIS IF A "MAN"(boy) WANTS TO SLEEP WITH A WOMAN & SHE SAYS NO! DOESN'T SHE KNOW A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE SUR KITCHEN & THIS SHITTY HOTEL BED?! James says "I'm leaving!" Before slamming the door, which is like saying "I quit!" after being fired.
Back down at the pool Scheana pulls Ariana aside to apologize about the texts she sent to Ariana's mom about Tom. Ariana aka Ms. Debbie Downer is wearing a drink umbrella in her hair & it's the most fun she's ever been. Ariana is the SUR version of Angela from The Office. Scheana says "I first want to apologize if that conversation was inappropriate or out of line" Debbie Downer isn't satisfied with that (shocking.)
Debbie Downer-"It feels like a back handed apology, Tom wants you to say "I'm sorry that I did that"
God Scheana open your big beautiful eyes, can't you see that you committed the most terrible thing you could do to a person? You TEXTED about Tom. Can you imagine how many modeling shoots he's going to miss out on because he's in therapy sessions! You're a monster.
Britney the angel on Earth from Kentucky does a beer bong with such skill you would think she was the president of a fraternity. Jax needs to have one of those cheesy beach weddings where everyone is barefoot & the hotel staff is playing steel drums in Hawaiian shirts because it will never get better for you than this girl. Lock her down NOW.
The next morning we wake up with the gorgeous Hawaiian sun shining but it doesn't matter because there's always a dark rain cloud in Ariana & Toms hotel room. They wake up & immediately start talking about text gate. Some people do affirmations in the morning, some people do yoga, but they choose to welcome their day with martyrdom
Tom-"She doesn't understand how DEVASTATING this is"
It's basically the same thing as losing a pet, but obviously way more painful because it's a text. Tom says he now knows who his real friends are, they are Ariana & his hair straightener.
We cut to Max asleep in the hotel room being woken up by Lisa calling him. "It's 10:20 in the morning! How are you still asleep!?" I can't imagine how disappointed Lisa would be if I were her daughter, 10:20 is practically break of dawn for me. She asks James if Max is behaving himself & tells James that she's holding him personally responsible for Max's safety. Once again,WHO WOULD PUT JAMES IN CHARGE OF ANYTHING?! He's barely qualified to marry the ketchup's let alone be in charge of regulating someones medication. James isn't Marry Poppins, if anything he's a more unlikable version of Jack the Ripper.
We now go to the beach, the guys are surfing & the girls all look like they're Victoria Secret supermodels taking a break to tan. Who cares about melanoma when you can get a nice base coat? When I said the guys are surfing of course I mean the guys & Ariana. Remember how cool she is & so laid back because she's just one of the guys?! Tom tells Jax that he can't believe he's wearing sunglasses to surf in, apparently Jax stole them from the hotel & he says he's now "Releasing them back to the world again" like they're a sea turtle being set free in the ocean.
Lala is wearing her church outfit & Katie tells her how she's missing her bottoms, & that her bathing suit looks like what the girls in a rap video wear. Katie didn't mean it as a compliment, but LaLa took it as one. Scheana makes a comment about how she looks like she's missing the rest of her bathing suit & Lala looks at her as if she had asked what the square root of 417 is. Lala seems unaware & unphased by the fact she is wearing black dental floss as a bathing suit. (Is this why Max had to have tooth surgery because LaLa is stealing all of his dental hygiene products to make her "clothes'?")
Meanwhile the albino manorexic is surfing & I just keep praying that Jax's new nose will start bleeding so that the sharks smell blood in the water & come eat both of James' arms off so he can never press play on his macbook ever again. Sadly mother nature failed us.
We didn't get to see Jame's pull a Natalie Wood but we do get what we've all been waiting for........
We just see gorgeous snakeskin pumps & pair of stems that would make Cher Horowitz jealous walking down a hallway. We pan up to Stassi knocking on Kristens door, she opens it & they're both wearing white which is appropriate because this is heaven. When they hug it's like seeing Rachel & Monica back together or Paris & Nicole. This is the reason we started watching this show in the first place. Seeing them back together after everything they've gone through gives me hope that there can be peace in the Middle East. Stassi & her boyfriend Patrick have moved from NYC back to LA & she's finally come home to where she's meant to be. Just like when James goes back to living inside Satan's asshole, home is home.
We cut to Lisa & her high waisted jeans talking to Ken outside by the pool. Ken of course is holding their favorite stuffed animal Giggy. They talk about how they're concerned about Max & "How this is Max's one shot with his teeth" as if his teeth are a character out of 8 Mile. Lisa is having this conversation while she's sitting on a giant inflatable flamingo in the pool like she's Taylor Swift. Lisa then says "Can you believe I was once a little girl in England & now look at me, I'm here" Yes, who could believe that a little girl in England would one day be wearing a bedazzled rhinestone shirt riding on an inflatable animal in a pool. The most important part about this scene is Giggy actually moved & not with the help of Ken. So we have proof he is technically alive.
Back at the beach there is a brief second of Lala turning over & the producers have to pixelate her bathing suit bottoms because either her vagina or asshole is showing, I don't know which one & honestly it doesn't matter because we will eventually see both. Maybe not on this show but in her inevitable Vivid video.
James is taking pictures of LaLa like an old creepy tourist. James says "Lala keeps giving me sex eyes" I don't know how James can see her "sex eyes" with his crossed ones.
Later that night we see Jax ironing his pants in a Chippendale's outfit & saying how he can't believe Britney shared a raft with Lala, I can't either but apparently Britney isn't afraid of getting a rash. Once again I need to find out what Buddhist temple Britney went to in Kentucky or what medication she's on because I have never been that nice or calm. She is an alien & Jax needs to marry her before she flies away in her Lisa Frank spaceship.
The gang meets up for dinner, one of the many things I love about this show is the fashion-or lack there of. Max is wearing a giant black sunglasses inside like he had cataract surgery. Porcelain devil is wearing his signature tank top,Peter(yay they remembered not to leave him adrift in the ocean!) is wearing a white shirt that is unbuttoned to his navel,Tom is wearing an outfit that makes him look like a vegan yoga instructor & we realize Lala is bi polar, at least when it comes to her outfits. Earlier she was wearing a bikini made for a sexy toddler in a pageant & now she is wearing a giant black t shirt that looks like she stole it from a security guard at a hip hop club. Oh and also these gold plated hoola hoops. Olivia from The Bachelor needs to DM her on Twitter to ask where she bought them because these earrings are the only thing that could make Olivia's mouth look small.
Of course they go to a restaurant, for people who already work in a restaurant they sure love to spend all their free time at one. I give Tom a lot of credit, not only is he brave enough to wear anal beads as a necklace, he's also brave enough to put aside the text tragedy he's dealing with & muster up the energy to go to dinner. He deserves a purple heart because he is a soldier/bartender/model.
Lala & the anti Christ are at the end of the table & Tom decides to have totally appropriate dinner conversation of "Hey James how are you doing? Have you had sex with LaLa yet?" Lala gives Tom a look that could melt his hair gel off. Cut to a confessional of Lala telling us that before they went on this trip she & DJ Douchebag actually did try to have sex one night when they were hammered & that he couldn't get it up, "He claims that I couldn't get him hard but c'mon......." Of course you couldn't get him hard, you don't have a penis.
Back at the dinner table James & his crossed puppy dog eyes look at Lala & she very gently says "I did have a lot of fun with you & could have seen this going somewhere but then there was a point & I think you know what that point is & it just wasn't clicking"
James says how the pressure was on & that he choked -which he's used to doing on a dick. Lala says how she wants to remain friends & James says it's going to be weird. Lala asks why he can't just look at her like a friend & treat her the same way he treats Faith. James says "I don't look at Faith like that" Which makes me really sad, can someone please look at Faith in anyway?! Faith is non existent , just like Scheana's talent for interior decorating.
White Lala Vasquez gives this amazing advice "If you're going to get whiskey dick, stick to vodka" Or in Jame's case, arsenic.
The dinner conversation has now turned to whales & Schwartz informs us that "A whales vagina is the size of a bus" or Lala's hoops. Tom the soldier interrupts the marine biology lesson to pull Scheana away to talk about guess what... the texts! Seriously he needs to do a TED Talk on this subject because it's clearly his passion. Scheana gives what is her millionth apology & it's still not good enough. I don't know what it's going to take, maybe if she goes & gets an "I'm sorry" ass tattoo from the same shitty, blind tattoo artist that Tom went to for his flaming hot cheeto "A".
The next morning everyone is complaining about having to pack & that they only have a few hours to kill before having to leave. Next thing we see is southern angel getting a phone call from Jax that he's been arrested & is in jail. I am so impressed that he knows her number by heart & can use her for his one phone call. If I was arrested the only number I know by heart is my best friend from 3rd grades home number.
Damn Jax takes a good picture, this mugshot looks better than all my friends' headshots.
Jax was arrested for stealing sunglasses, which is sad because he was a model in a sunglasses campaign that I even saw posters of inside The Palazzo in Vegas last time I stayed there. I don't know why he just didn't ask the company to pay him in sunglasses. It's not like he stole Dana Wilkey's sunglasses!
Yes, Jax could afford the glasses just like Winona Ryder could afford all those clothes from Saks. It's just like how I could afford birdseed (at my old apartment I fed the squirrels & birds on my balcony & I would steal birdseed every time I shopped at Ralphs. I figured I had just spent $250 on groceries & that I shouldn't have to pay for $4 birdseed because I was giving back to the planet.) So no, I don't judge Jax.
His bail was $11,000 & the group had to come together to get the money,get him out jail & get to the airport & as Scheana pointed out "We have to do all of this in a few hours & get home in time for the Third Eye Blind concert tomorrow!"
Jax is released from jail & meets them at the airport. He is so embarrassed, he's crying & you really feel for him. Once again, you just can't get mad at Jax, he's the shows Joey Tribiani, I mean it's not a coincidence that they have the same initials.
The most confusing part about all of this is how is Third Eye Blind is still selling concert tickets?! Also where is Peter? And Faith? And Max and his problematic gums? WHERE ARE THE REAL ANSWERS?!
Kittens, I know this was a lot. You basically read the length of a Harry Potter book but unlike Bachelor this is a show that I have watched from the beginning & am so passionate about, and since I can't tell James & Ariana how I feel (since the have both blocked me on Twitter) I have to tell you. Did we get the amount of screen time that our HBIC's Stassi & Kristen deserve? Absolutely not. And that was the real crime of this episode, not Jax fucking stealing sunglasses. We could have had so much more time but the editors decided to spend about 20 minutes total of shots of Hawaii- we fucking know what the ocean looks like!
Tell me in the comments your conspiracy theories about what happened to Peter,Faith & Max-do you think they were taken like Liam Neesons daughter? Or have they been left behind like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone? We will have to tune in next week to see. I love you more than Lisa loves Hanky!