Lala Vasquez Kent & Dani her roommate/SUR coworker (who we have never seen before until now) decide to throw a housewarming party even though Lala's lived in the apartment for 2 years. I guess a housewarming party is like your period, better late than never.
Her apartment is huge & way classier than I thought it would be; I'm honestly shocked. I was expecting to see Marilyn Monroe pictures everywhere & a stripper pole. Lala is a little nervous about having people over saying, "I'm not like the best host in the world," don't worry hoops, it's just hosting a party! It's not like your job is to be a professional hostess! Oh wait.
Never before seen Dani & she talk about who they invited
NBSD - I only invited Kristina & Stassi
Hoops - Schaena & her husband, Ariana,Tom & I texted Jax inviting him
Does anyone see anything weird about this guest list besides the fact 4 out of the 6 people they invited don't talk/even like Stassi, or the fact she invited Jax who the last we saw, she had a huge fight with both him & his girlfriend in Hawaii. Oh wait, I know...
WHERE IS TOKEN FAITH!? Has anyone heard anything from the Hawaii Five 0 about her disappearance?
Where is Peter's invite? Or is he busy taking pictures with tourists outside Grauman's Chinese Theater dressed as Jack Sparrow?
What about Max & his teeth? Yes, I get he is dentally handicapped, but he can't help it he's British! (kind of)
Or where is that mute Gaysian waiter with the faux hawk we see sometimes in the background?
If there's only 6 people coming to your party then it's more of a group hang, but atleast there's still more people coming to your "party" than have ever come to a DJ James Kennedy concert.
Even though the party is at night, Kristina Kelly, aka the Lilly Aldridge of SUR, & Queen Stassi show up early; like it's still broad daylight outside but maybe they just wanted to get a head start on not eating. This is Stassi's old apartment & Lala lives in her old room, which is probably the closest she'll ever get to sleeping with Jax.
Our favorite convict comes back to SUR because his 2 week school suspension is over & he can finally get back to making mediocre drinks. First, he has to check in with Mother of Swan's, Lisa, & she says how she wants, "Jax Taylor to stop thinking about Jax Taylor." That's unfair. He doesn't just think about himself; he also thinks of girls he wants to fuck. Also, I think we should applaud Jax for thinking about anything at all.
Lisa says what Jax did in Hawaii was all about him & she wants him to do things for other people. UUMMM he stole sunglasses for his girlfriend; that is doing something for someone else! Plus, in the past he has been very generous with his saliva & semen.
She tells him he has to help with the clothing driving she's doing with those homeless teens they trotted out in the beginning of the season. She tells him she wants him & the Toms to donate clothes to their clothing drive - perfect! Give the kleptomanic the job of getting lots of items together.
Plus, aren't these underprivileged teens lives hard enough and now on top of that the guys are going to give them old Ed Hardy tank tops & knit caps? I think Tom Sandoval would rather donate his spleen than have to give away any of his H&M jewelry.
Klepto tells Tom & Ariana he was invited to the housewarming party but he doesn't think it's the best idea if he goes. Really Jax? You don't think going to the apartment of the ghetto gypsy who insulted your girlfriend & tried to fuck you is a good idea? See you guys, he IS growing up!
The first guests to arrive are Tom & Ariana; well now it's officially not a party. She & Tom are wearing giant hoop earrings in honor of the hostess and also just because those two are HILARIOUS! But to be honest, it's not like Hair Straightener ever needs an excuse to wear more accessories.
Stassi & Kristina sit at the kitchen table two feet away from Mr. & Ms. Prop Comedy Duo surrounded by Trader Joes cheeses which by this time have been sitting out for at least six hours. Tom & Ariana don't even acknowledge them.
The girls decide to make shots as an icebreaker. Tom & Ariana take the shots with the same dead behind the eyes look they always have. They have as much charisma as the pretzel bowl.
Sheena enters in a fun romper & walks right up to the Queen and hands her a bottle of PinotGrigio with a blue ribbon, in honor of this iconic moment.
That was a fantastic opening move. It involves all of Stassi's favorite things - wine, the color blue, and you giving her something.
Everyone keeps separately talking about how awkward this is & how they need another shot to make it go better. Yes, because if we've learned anything from this group, alcohol improves the situation...
Shay says, "Seeing Stassi is almost like seeing a ghost, but a bitchy ghost, like a bitch ghost, like a ghost that's a bitch."
Hair Straighter decides to come over probably because Stassi was sitting next to the closest mirror in the house. Even though he's already said many times he has no intention of ever wanting to have a relationship with her, he still decides that he needs to go over & talk out of his mouth hole.
"Just so you know, you living with Kristen kills everything you've ever stood for. What that tells me about you is that all your problems with Katie & Scheana are completely hypocritical." WOAH! Someone's on a high pedestal made of empty hair gel containers.
He says how Stassi is now "crawling back because the bitch is homeless & desperate"
Well if she's homeless I guess she can always live between the Anna Paquin space between your teeth Tom.
Tom just because you sometimes wear fake glasses & look like Rachael Maddow, doesn't mean you're the moral compass of this show. And since the problem ISN'T with you or your delightful comedy partner, why the fuck do you care? Shouldn't you be saving your voice for your shitty band rehearsal?!
At least one thing about this party was successful, Stassi & Scheana finally make up about the tape scandal, so now Stassi has made up with Kristen, Happy Tom, Scheana, and all that's left now is Katie, who's Stassi's personal Mt. Everest.
Meanwhile, Jax, Katie & the Tom I do like go to a Mexican restaurant. At least when Jax is eating spicy mexican food, it gives him an excuse for looking red & sweaty. At the dinner, Tom tells Katie that he invited Stassi to their engagement party even though Katie & her haven't spoken since the fall out over a year ago. I just loved how Tom broke the news because he just stared straight forward making no eye contact like he was a kid taking his drivers test & Katie was the instructor.
Jax & the Toms go over to Lisa's house with their "donation" piles. No surprise that most of the things Jax is donating still have the security tags on them. All the guys are looking at Ken's donation pile and start shopping through it & trying his dress shirts on. It must be weird to be in Ken's shirts because they're regurlary sized whereas the only clothes these guys wear look like they've been spray painted on them.
The guys see a boudoir picture of Lisa that's showing nipple & stare at it saying they are taking mental pictures for their "spank bank." Once again, they spent 3 more minutes staring at this black & white photo of Lisa's boobs than they ever did looking at Faith's boobs in the flesh.
Lisa summons Happy Tom down to talk to him about why he was backing out of working with the Vanderpump Sangria. Although, is it really considered quitting if he never started working in the first place? And wasn't both of the Tom's business plan to just be brand ambassadors for the brand but do it pro bono? Is that just you standing in front of the Costco sample display table "charity" modeling?
If you're going to quit on any Real Housewife alcohol job, I'm glad it's with Lisa & not Bethanny Frankel. Could you imagine? She would rip your head off, drain your body & be hawking "Skinny Girl Blood" in no time.
She tells him he needs to be serious about his future now that he's engaged & he can't just keep focusing on modeling & acting auditions. Instead, he needs a solid career. Maybe Tom should become a swan & pomeranian breeder; Lisa's the only client he would need his whole life.
The next night there is an event at PUMP & Lisa can't believe that Happy Tom showed up wearing one of the shirts that Ken donated to less fortunate. I honestly don't think this is a problem because technically Tom is less fortunate than Lisa & Ken.
This is a lovely picture of Ellen Degeneres
The anti christ finally appears in the episode & he must have gotten done with filling the ketchup bottles early because he was allowed to bring out his Macbook & plug in his auxiliary cord to "DJ" his iTunes playlist for the captive audience.
After the event, the group goes to hang out at the Wedding Picture Gallery aka Scheana's living room. Jax says how Southern Angel Brittany is going to be weighing down her wings a little bit by getting breast implants that he's paying for (or stealing from someone else's body). Oh my fucking god you guys, did Faith have breast implants? Is that what happened to her?! Someone needs to go check Jax's studio apartment for her body & grey weave right now! It should take all of 6 seconds since he has tattoos bigger than his apartment.
Rachel Maddow tells Jax that Tom invited Stassi to the engagement party & Jax's face is literally so big & red that he looks like Hellboy. He starts getting on Tom about how insulting that is to Katie & how Stassi targeted him because she knew he was "the weakest link." Poor Tom, can't you just leave him & his old Ken shirt alone?
Rachel Maddow tells him to lay off of Tom who just gets up politely from the couch & walks away to let them continue to argue with each other. Jax, who has now gone from red to a sweaty maroon color, says, "Stop acting like you're the number one fucking guy in the group man. I'm the number one fucking guy. I'M THE NUMBER ONE FUCKING GUY." Like they're Justin Timberlake & JC Chasez fighting backstage.
Rachel Maddow tells him, "Thats fucked up," and walks away to I assume clean up some Sambukaor but more likely comb his hair 100 times.
Hellboy says how Hair Straightner doesn't have the right to be mad because he's just being honest. Yes, because we all know that we can always count on Jax for 100% complete honesty...
So many questions about this episode
How much longer do we wait before we put out an Amber Alert for Faith, Peter & Max? Did Giggy donate any of his custom crushed velvet tuxedos to homeless dogs? Do you think LaLa will get jealous when she sees this episode & realizes that someone showed nipple and it wasn't her? Do you think Jax has a rewards card at the plastic surgeon's office by now?
Once again I apologize everything was so late this week but finally I have my life back to myself & I won't make my kittens wait like that again. Talk to me tell me what you thought about this episode & if you've thought of anyways we can James deported!
Love you!!!