Vanderpump Rules

Recap of the SUR Witch Trials part 2 & 3



So after the one-woman Salem SUR witch trial they put Kristen Doute on during the first part of the reunion we now move on to someone who just has witch nails- Lala Kent. Andy Cohen asks Oh NaNa about when James Kennedy aka DJ Dickhole came in to work with his "sex marks" clearly visible in his child-sized tank top from the Adam Levine clothing collection from Kmart. I don't think they were sex scratches as much as the real demon inside of him was trying to make an escape because it couldn't put up with listening to his shitty Macbook iTunes playlist "DJ" set one more time. He said they were "battle wounds." It's not like you're a war hero, although if it were World War 2 you definitely would have fought for the Nazis. The real hero is any woman who could stand having sex with you & not kill herself immediately after.


LaLa says she wasn't angry because she was jealous, "it was that he was deliberately trying to embarrass me & disrespect me which is where I draw the line." A line she clearly didn't draw for her makeup artist. Satan's Scrotum sits there laughing saying "Oh yeah I mean mate ya know I mean I definitely wanted her to find out ya know what I mean & put it in her face." You know what I wish someone would put in his face? A rag of chloroform.

Andy says how much Jax Taylor & James are alike; umm they're not a like at all. They work at SUR & that's their ONLY similarity. I can't even say they are both men - because DJ Dickhole isn't, he's Rose Mary's baby - if Rose Mary was in love with her son & had a face filled of botox which she paid for by stealing Kristen’s credit card (100% true story).


Thankfully, we have Southern Angel come out & her halo brightens up the left side of the room & pushes away the rain clouds coming from the comedy bartending duo.

Andy makes 17 of the same puns of how many girls Jax has been with (clearly he used Ariana Madix as his ghost writer because they were HILARIOUS). You can see the way Jax looks at her he's absolutely in love with her & who wouldn't be. She's like if you mixed a Pageant/homecoming queen with a homemade apple pie that has perfect boobs. Lisa says how much she adores her, which the only reason she's saying that now is because she realizes how much everyone else loves her & how Brittany said that the only person she knew from the Housewives is Lisa, which you know she must have loved beating out Bethenny Frankel & Nene Leakes. It's funny how you didn't adore her enough to give her a job at the beginning of the season - which we never brought up. Not like I would want that angel working anywhere near James Kennedy or as the Mexican cooks in the restaurant call him "El Diablo."

They talk about the Toms' business pitch to Lisa & Pandy to be a part of the Vanderpump Sangria empire but their business pitch was that they decided they just wanted to be work as pro bono promotional models? Happy Tom Schwartz decided to back out & Lisa says how she was disappointed that he quit because its another example that he can't commit to things, well he committed to Katie so I think that's more valuable than being committed to hawking sangria at a sample table at Costco, or was it going to be more of Tom 1 & Tom 2 standing outside stores like Girl Scouts?

Also, how can you quit a job you never had? Did Hair Straightener ever start this non-paying volunteer work? Happy Tom was smart enough to get out once he realized that Tom Sandoval had fucked up the business pitch because he thought he was Jordan Belfort. Hair Straightener says, "I’m good they just needed to tell me what to do in the company I can't tell you where I should be! You know me & what I can do & where I should be." I think you're exactly where you need to be - behind a bar just serving the sangria, that’s as involved as you should be.

Andy asks the group why they have a problem with Ariana & Klassy Katie says she felt like Ariwah-wah was "a debbie downer." YES! Katie is the Bernie Sanders of the reunion, she speaks for what the 98% of viewers have been saying!

Debbie Downer - "Well when every time you show up somewhere its something else thrown in your face when you were just trying to make a funny comment that somehow got twisted & held over my head & used as ammunition against me its hard to want to come around."

Andy asks her if she can see where it might come off that she feels she's too good for everyone & on a different plane? "Well until I tell you that I'm too good for you & I'm on a different plane then that’s your assumption." Yeah, I wonder where anyone would get the idea you think you're the funnier, smarter & prettier then everyone around you...


Also, what "funny comments" did you make this season that were twisted around & held over your head? All these hilarious hijinks must have happened during the 3 minutes it takes to change your mic pack because the rest of time you were on camera every day for 4 months and we never saw one time.. All these hilarious comments must have been on the same lost footage reel as the pretend guys Kristen had on the side that she was cheating with that we ALSO didn't see but that she was constantly accused of at the reunion for no reason.

Instead of taking any responsibility (shocker) in acting like she's the president of MENSA she blames it on everyone else "This is the most toxic environment I’ve ever been in my life how do you not see that? It's toxic as fuck!" James nods his head enthusiastically, if anyone knows about toxic it's James Kennedy, compared to him anthrax is baby powder.

Kristen’s therapy comes up again because we attacking her the whole hour last week wasn't enough so lets really go after the therapy again. What a great thing to have everyone way in on Andy, THEIR thoughts about Kristen’s therapy. SO lets go around the room & have everyone give their evaluation on how well THEY think Kristen is doing at therapy, because that's really something that everyone should give a score on - because someone’s personal therapy to better themselves should be judged the same way you would a gymnastics competition.

They bring up the text feud between Scheana ,Ariana & Ariana's mom & Lala jumps in "if someone had done that with my mamma I would have put them in the hospital." When asked why she was getting involved she says "because I have a mom! And that person gave birth to her," great so everyone who had someone give birth to them should be able to weigh in on this. Jax, Peter, Camera Guy #3 if you have a mother start screaming at Scheana Shay!


We move on to LaLa being topless (of course NO mention of Faith's boobs), Andy brings up how we've seen so many boobs on Vanderpump Rules so why was she so offended. Katie says, "I’m not offended by boobs, I’m offended by her behavior."

Oh Nana screams "I’m offended by your behavior! You didn't like me from the beginning you had it out for me!” – Yes, because when you think of sharks in the water who are really out to get people you think of Mrs. Bubba.

"You now had a reason not to like LaLa." (Ps I love it when LaLa refers to herself in the 3rd person)

Katie- "I was indifferent to you for a long time."

Lala- "Indifference is worse than hate honey I would have rather you sit there & say "you're a stupid hoe ass bitch."


Well Lala, if it makes you feel better, plenty of people are saying that about you! Lisa of course is on Lala & DJ Dickholes side & says how them making a big deal about her being topless was ridiculous.

Lisa says, "Growing up in Europe I didn't see anyone wear a top for 20 years!" Yeah that’s because they were too busy hunting saber tooth tigers for food to make tops.

We go into the crime of the century & the plot of next season of American Crime Story: The People VS Jax Taylor. Lisa says how she was so hurt by it & even considered firing him. Why does him stealing sunglasses have anything to do with Lisa? It's none of her business. Literally - it has nothing to do with Lisa or her business.


Thankfully, our queen comes out & the first thing she says is "James I hope you watched the way that you talk to women is so despicable & there’s no excuse for it."

They roll the clips of him in Kristen’s apartment of him being verbally abusive to her & spitting at her door, but they seem to have forgotten the other 50 scenes they could have put in (can you imagine how many WERE'NT shown on the show because PUMP & SUR didn't want the words "domestic violence" in their yelp reviews? Because let’s remember who the executive producers are.)

ANDY: Do you think you talk down to women specifically? (He asks this question more innocently than most others, he had more fire about Scheana saying bitchy barbie).

Satan’s Scrotum- NO! (As he looks down & off to the side of the fake flame candle) I honestly don't, what happens is I've got a temper & fucking get aggravated sometimes I understand what I say is wrong & I'm trying to become a gentleman that’s what I want to be."

James saying he wants to be a gentleman is a joke. You're not gentle (except for your micro dick) & you're also not a man. So that’s an unattainable goal-just like all the things you think you're going to do in the music industry.

Andy-You spit on Kristen’s door ,you said she's ugly, she smells-

As Andy lists these off Antichrist bursts out laughing & says, "well I thought THOSE was kind of funny."

Ya know what’s funny is how Lisa & Andy both are so keen to jump in on the Scheana text & Katie/Lala boob feud, but when it comes to being abusive to women they don't really care. Lisa you may not like a girl who worked for you TWO years ago but as a fellow woman you should say that this behavior is disgusting. How would she feel if he had said that to Pandora? She attacked Kristen this whole reunion for doing nothing, literally Kristen’s interaction with her this season was for 2 minutes at Scheana’s birthday party saying hello & then at Katie’s engagement party. But James has been verbally & physically abusive to a woman on screen, been drunk at your business & attacked other employees and yet all James gets is a slap on his pasty emaciated bird wrists.

Thankfully, Stassi is the ONLY person who says anything, as he's laughing about the abuse, "You say you want to turn into a gentleman but you're not acknowledging that the way you talk to women is wrong.”

Antichrist- Not all women! Just some!

Oh well than THAT makes it ok. I'm only going to abuse SOME women - ya know. Just the ones that deserve it.

You are not the white Kanye West. You are the white Chris Brown (minus the talent & dick size)

Queen Stassi Schroeder & Mother of Swans Lisa Vanderpump fight about the sex tape. Stassi says how Lisa had told her & her parents that they owed her $900 & Lisa says that she didn't really want the money, that she wanted them to donate it to charity, so I guess we know the name of her new restaurant.

Stassi had already thanked you for what you did but she had also said she didn't want to give the monster a dime because he was blackmailing her, why would you pay someone without getting anything in return like a signed contract saying that he couldn't distribute it? So now James #2 has $900 and he still has the tape to do whatever he wants with it at any time & Lisa still doesn't see why Stassi has the right to be upset about that. Vanderpump’s negotiating skills with the sex tape are even worse than the movie Sex Tape.

We go on to albino Skeletor telling the world that Lala was "tossing a guys salad" at Mute Max dentist appointment in front of Lisa. It doesn't surprise me that she's into licking asshole; I mean we have already seen her kiss one on camera.

When asked why he brought it up he says "its because we were all speaking about relationships mate.” LIE. Max doesn't speak about anything. He brings up how she had said personal things about him in the bedroom - cut to a scene where she's saying her drawer is filled with magnums & that James wouldn't be able to fit into them" – LIE. He could definitely fit his entire body into a magnum condom.

Lisa then whispers to Andy, "I don't lick Ken’s ass, am I missing something?" As if Andy wasn't gay before, that visual guaranteed it.

We move on to Antichrist being fired the first time (at the reunion taping he has been fired from playing his macbook AGAIN for being drunk on his make believe job), because of the scene he made at Pump which of course they blame Kween Kristen for, it's who we have blamed everything on for the last 3 hours why stop now. Instead of blaming the "man" who was drunk at his place of work even BEFORE she got there, yes lets blame the girl because to quote Lisa "she provoked him,” you know just how when girls dress a certain way "they were asking for it." There is nothing anyone can do that excuses his behavior. Reactions are a choice, I see plenty of people I don't like everyday, trust me if you're not my cat its pretty much guaranteed that I don't like you but I don't start screaming at my place of work, make a scene & attack a fellow employee.

Hair Straightener his number one/only fan blames his story line (also known as Kristen) "We all know he's delicate! Why do you do this to him!"

You know who is supposed to be delicate? Women. But we have not only allowed one to be physically attacked, we have now blamed for her for being the reason it happened. As well as had multiple people attack her at the same time for the pat 3 hours at this reunion but sure THAT's completely fine.

The only thing delicate about James is his baby carrot dick. He calls himself the white Kanye West, attacks women verbally & physically as well as other people he works with. Yes, that does sound like someone who is delicate if by delicate you meant dangerous. Kristen wasn't anywhere near him in the giant restaurant that looks like a Michael’s craft store exploded with how many rhinestones & olive branches & tea lights there are everywhere. And isn't that what he has his headphones for, & if you were so focused on your "job" of making such hypnotic amazing beats how would you notice a girl in a different part of the restaurant that holds 350 people? Especially with that crossed eye I would think the only way you could see her is if she was directly in front of your bird skeleton face.

James is the Donald Trump of SUR. His hair is ridiculous, the words he says are hate-filled, misogynistic & he thinks everyone cares what he has to say.

He also attacked Richardson the waiter at PUMP saying "You're nothing, I'm more talented then you, I'm James Kennedy.” When asked what he thought about that he says "watching that back I was embarrassed." Yet when he says it he's smiling & laughing, you know like how you do when you're remorseful & ashamed about your behavior. Can you imagine if Kristen or Stassi had said their apology like that? Both of their apologies were heartfelt & sincere & were still vilified for not being "genuine" by Lisa, but when he does this "apology" Lisa beams with pride as if its Giggy leading around one of the miniature ponies with a lead rope made of roses.

We now get into the sketch comedy debate, which makes me so angry I want to reach through the screen & strangle Ariana with her fake braid from the Jessica Simpson hair extension line. Andy asks why hearing that Kristen did sketch comedy upset her so much & Ariana Schumer replies, "I don't buy a camera & call myself a photographer," no instead you just paid for a sketch class & than decide that you're now Lourne Michaels.

Kristen points out that is has NOTHING to do with her & asks her why she cares so much about her comedy show & tearing it down.

"I asked a question and no one seemed to have an answer about what classes you were taking!" Well Ariana, you're not a comedy school guidance counselor, you're a fucking bartender. And based on your terrible diary "comedy" performance - classes are bullshit & you need to go and get your money back because they ripped you off. Also, no matter how hard I look I somehow can't find Ariana Madix on either the UCB or Groundlings main cast member website? So weird!

She then goes on to say, "Is she just going to go ahead & decide she's funny after being psychotic?" Kristen didn't say one thing about your diary show! Why do you care so much about the sketch comedy class schedule of your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend from two years ago? And yet Kristen is still the one who is labeled as the obsessed psycho? Can you imagine if roles were reversed & Kristen had the meltdown of “Ariana had a diary show? But I used to have a diary! When did she decide to start writing in diaries? I take diaries really seriously!"

As Kristen is being attacked for now the millionth time - we have moved on from her PROVOKING an attack from a man just by her mere presence of being in the same vicinity, her going to therapy to work on herself, let’s now attack her for enjoying a new creative hobby that involves & hurts NONE of them. Yep seems fair! Once again, great moderating Andy! I certainly hope you pay more attention at the dog park with Waccha than you do at your fucking job. If you could stop imagining whatever horribly named Watch What Happens Live Game that you're going to shove down our throats next and actually pay attention that would be great.

Kristen then stands up for her best friend Rachael, the stand up comedian, that Ariana decided to try to destroy her career on national television for absolutely NO reason besides the fact she's friends with Kristen. Ariana decides to continue to attack Rachael’s career AGAIN at the reunion.

"You mean to tell me if 50 people saw Rachael perform 50 people would think she's funny? The jokes I saw on youtube weren't original."

Have we ever heard of one thing Ariana has said on the show that’s funny? Has there ever been anything you laughed at besides this hairstyle & star wars hooker outfit? If only her whit was as sharp as the nose contour they gave her during this reunion, her & Oh Na Na must have used the same makeup artist because Ariana's nose contour makes her look like a bitchy swordfish.

She says that she was infuriated knowing that Kristen’s sketch show was filmed & would possibly be aired "I know so many people who work so hard to have there stuff put on national tv who deserve it so it just sucks that we gave them a platform." Ok so if that’s true - you're saying that your diary show was better than all of your friends work & worthy of being on tv? You think reading straight from your college diary that just accused everyone in your dorm of being a lesbian like you were Regina George & then Tom showing his ass tattoo was worthy of being on television & SO much better than all of your oh so talented friends & Rachael’s stand up comedy that is her actual job?

Hair Straightener says, "Even if we did get asked about someone’s comedy show I'm tired of the things we say being automatically turned into ammunition against us." Yeah, well, that is sort of what happens when you say mean things for no reason about events & people that have nothing to do with you. Also, NO ONE asked you what you thought about it, do you think on a beach day for Katie & Tom’s engagement pictures we really care what you two human ambient pills think about fucking anything? Let alone comedy? If James is the Donald Trump of SUR than Ariana is the Anne Coulter.


-Riding away from any responsibility for your actions-

Little Miss No Sunshine then says what every piece of shit says as their excuse "I'm allowed to have an opinion." Well you know what they say - opinions are like assholes, & all of them look like James' chin.


-This was a scene from the Secrets Revealed episode after the finale. This is her body shaming Kristen who is on the other side of the party of 100 people & who never even went over in her direction-

Ariana, do you douche with lemonade? Because you are the most sour cunt I've ever seen.

We get into the debate of who is the number one guy of the group, which there's no question. Jax is the number one guy in the group & even if he wasn’t he would steal the first place trophy anyway. Forehead shaver you're the number 1 Rachel Maddow look alike in the group & that needs to be enough for you. James you are the #1 guy in the group I want to Lorraina Bobbit, although with the size of your dick it would be more like a circumcision.

We go onto the engagement party & how Lisa was upset that Kristen & Stassi showed up. You know how you're upset that the 2 best friends of the bride to be who worked for you two years ago & who are your daughter’s age can really upset you when you're a multi-millionaire & live in a 3 story palace in Bel Air with a menagerie. Oh how my life would be perfect if it weren't for these two ex-waitresses who are the reason this show is still on in the first place. GGGRRRR!!!!!!!!

They bring up Oh Na Na rudely interrupting Kristen & Stassi's speech, which her excuse is "when something gives me anxiety it takes me want to rip my face off." Which begs the question - then why have you not ripped off your makeup? She says that it was going on for so long & she just wanted it to stop, which of course Lisa defends "she said what we were all thinking." Can you imagine what would have happened if Kristen had interrupted Lala's speech? Or Ariana's? Lisa would have made it seem like she had plucked out Hanky's feathers one by one. Also where the fuck did you have to go LaLa? Did you have to get to the Westminster Dog Show?


They then talk about the after party at SUR where Unlikable Jack the Ripper still claims that he wasn't drunk, he was just on 3 pot brownies, I had no idea an ingredient in brownies was cocaine. When asked about the fight between him & Jax DJ Dickhole says it's because Jax is insanely jealous of him because he knows that he is 10x more talented than he will ever be. The only talent James has is making me think of different ways to murder to someone.

Antichrist screams "I'm the white Kanye West!" with absolutely no irony. Everyone tells him he's a joke and I'm shocked Ariana doesn't jump in with "I take jokes very seriously so it offends me when people think they can just.. be one." Queen Nastassia turns around & tells him "no you're an asshole" to which then he turns into Tilda Swintons ghost with tourettes screaming, "You're an asshole! You're an asshole! You're an asshole! You're all assholes! Especially you Stassi!"

See how delicate he is? Someone get him an XXXS thunder shirt!

I mean we already see that the past 3 episodes have just been an attack on Kristen for her being spit on by a man, for her apologizing, for her going to therapy, reuniting with old friends & trying new hobbies & it's still been a witch hunt I can't imagine how much worse it would have been if she had actually done something this season that warranted it.

At the end Mother of Swans says how she hopes that Hair Straightener & Sour Patch Kid will get married, it then becomes a discussion of if Mr. & Mrs. Debbie Downer will make it official & of course she says "I don't want to get married" because remember how cool & laid back she is and she doesn't believe in marriage because she's not a regular girl she's a cool girl? You know the kind who loves sports & will go to strip clubs because she's just one of the guys.

I understand why she doesn't want to get married, your wedding day is the happiest day of your life where you take a lot of pictures of you smiling & celebrating with your family & friends... anything that involves the world "celebrate" I can't see her wanting to be a part of.

The best part of the reunion was seeing Satan's Scrotum getting called out for texting by Andy who has finally decided to start doing his job the last 2 minutes of filming (maybe he was just tired from going out with Sarah Jessica Parker & Kelly Ripa the night before).

DJ Dickhole complains, "We haven't talked about the PUMP album once!" The look Andy gives him was even colder than the freezer I'm going to hide his body parts in.

At the end red-chested Ken comes out with Peter the Pirate to bring out the final drinks - sadly no sign of life from Faith or Gaysian or update on Hanky's BMI.

I used to love Lisa Vanderpump, I even went to her book signing 4 years ago at Barnes & Noble, but my feelings about her have completely changed. How she allowed the abuse towards Kristen & then blamed her for being the cause of it was disgusting. Kristen & Stassi are the reason the show even made it to a full season in the first place & wasn't pulled off the lineup like that Après Ski abortion. The excuses she makes for Ichabod Crane are ridiculous. I don't understand why she defends Dobby the elf, is it just because she's managing him? Lisa makes more money on selling those SUR merchandise hats than she is making from White Chris Brown’s music. I really DON'T understand her loyalty to him, she spends more time & attention on him than she does on Mute Max! If your own son wants to be a musician than why aren't you putting all that time & money into HIS music career? You know, someone who won't be arrested for battery and/or a DUI? All I can hope is that DJ James Kennedy pulls a DJ AM.