RIP Brangelina 2005-2016

Hi Kittens,

This week my heart weighed heavy under my breast implant, I don't know who is sadder about this breakup, me or all the orphans that lost their chance to join this family. I think it's me.

My bf/hump story author Meagan Grainger & I talk about this national tragedy, our failed attempt at flirting this past weekend, Groupon debt & Craigslist beauty procedures all in this weeks episode of Adderall and Compliments podcast! Please go subscribe & rate it 5 stars on iTunes, between this breakup & breaking up with my therapist I'm very vulnerable right now & need triple the validation!

I love you for listening!

xoxo

A.

https://soundcloud.com/adderallandcompliments/episode-15-with-meagan-grainger

Boobs,Dating & Serious Comedy

Hi Kittens!

New episode of Adderall and Compliments is up & it is one of my favorite episodes ever! One of my best friends/hilarious comedian Dana Moon is my guest & we kiki about boobs,dating apps,fetishes,getting kicked out of acting class,Dana's worst date,awful male comedians & the most serious comedian of all, Ariana Madix! Go listen on Sound Cloud & iTunes make sure to subscribe & rate it 5 stars!

I love you for listening!

XOXO

A.

https://soundcloud.com/adderallandcompliments/adderall-and-compliments-episode-14-with-dana-moon

Herpes Island & Hump Stories!

Hi Kittens! I have been recapping Bachelor in Paradise on my podcast but will start doing written recaps as well! Here are the past podcast episodes in case you haven't subscribed which you absolutely should do because I need the validation as my therapist is on a 2 week vacation!

This episode Meagan, the author of her own yearbook messages & hump stories helps me recap BIP(from Evelyn's homemade date card to Ashley crying as if she just had a movie marathon of Schindler's' List & The Notebook. We also answer an advice question about dating a DJ & she reads another chapter of her Jon Stamos erotica

https://soundcloud.com/user-62623258/episode-9-with-meagan-grainger

On episode 8 my investor/father RJ & I talk about the olympics, Trump,Taylor Swift, his beef with Matt Damon & how he picked my mom up at a funeral

https://soundcloud.com/user-62623258/episode-8-with-investor-rj

On this episode my mom & I recap the 2nd night of week 2 of Bachelor in Paradise, answer some Kitten questions about relationships & how many kids you should have. We also talk about the dramatic experience of being food shamed at O'Charley's

https://soundcloud.com/user-62623258/episode-7-show-your-crazy-like-its-cleavage

On this episode Nancy & I talk about the Bachelorette finale,Bachelor in Paradise premier & answer some relationship questions from some Kittens!

https://soundcloud.com/user-62623258/episode-6-with-nancy-desisto

Please subscribe on SoundCloud & iTunes! And rate it 5 stars like I'm an Uber driver who didn't try to talk to you!

XOXO

A.

John Stamos,Scarlett Johansson & Hump Stories

Hi Kittens,

On this week's podcast my best friend fellow comedian/cat mom Meagan Grainger is back & she tells us a story about how she talked to John Stamos on mushrooms, why she'll never be invited back to a party at Scarlett Johansson's house & she reads us an original Grainger hump story!

Go listen! Subscribe! Rate it 5 stars on iTunes!

Also message me what you would like to hear more of, less of, topics, concerns, questions, anything you want! You're my friends in my head & co hosts so tell me what you want my Kittens!

I love you for listening!

XOXO

A.

https://soundcloud.com/user-62623258/episode-5-with-meagan-grainger

Humping,Bullying & Russell Brand

Hi Kittens,

In case you haven't listened to last weeks podcast, please do your ego a favor & do it now. My best friend/fellow comedian/cat owner Meagan tells us how as a child you wrote her own erotica, we share stories of how we were bullied, how Russell Brand called me & how I blew my chance with him by being the most awkward human being alive. But most importantly - how Meagan catfished herself by writing fake messages in her yearbook!

I included the sad yearbook pictures & screenshot of texts from me embarrassing myself with Russell at the bottom for receipts!

Listen to Adderall and Compliments on SoundCloud & subscribe on iTunes! And just like the best Uber driver who has a great smelling car & doesn't try to talk to you, leave me 5 stars!

Also write me what you want to hear more of! Questions, topics, concerns & more importantly, compliments!

I love you for listening!

XOXO

A.

https://soundcloud.com/user-62623258/episode-4-with-meagan-grainger

Fantasy Suite Jesus when is this Over!?

We open back up on last weeks cliffhanger of Jojo aka Brunette Isla Fischer planning to send Non Blinking Luke home but right before the Pro Flowers rose ceremony he pulls her outside & tells her that he loves her. After this new revelation from the producers Luke, Blow Out squats in her electric blue sequin gown hyperventilating.

"What if I'm making a mistake & I'm saying goodbye to him too soon?"

Calm down, you're not having to choose whether or not to pull the plug on your grandfather, you're just having to decide which guy is out of the running to be with you on the cover of US Weekly.

We're still in the Casablanca meets Men's Warehouse commercial airplane hangar. I'm hoping Robby the former competitive swimmer/current homosexual is looking at the planes & considering a job as a male flight attendant. I think he would be perfect except for the part that requires working.

Blow Out walks back in & the roses are on an old, weathered suitcase like it's a prop piece from Raiders of the Lost Arc. I'm sure after the ceremony Robby will enquire what antique shop they bought it from.

Aaron Rodgers' brother gets the first rose-obviously. He's gotten the first rose since episode 1, that's not a sign at all.....

It comes down between Chase the Mongoloid & Luke the Non Blinker. They're very similar, both have the facial expressions of a wall & both talk like they have saran wrap covering their mouths.

She decides to give the final rose to the human Ambient pill Chase & you can almost hear every woman in middle America gasp.

Luke who looks like a real life Dragon Ball Z character is shocked. Now there's absolutely no chance of his eyes ever closing. Blow Out is "crying"even though we don't see any runny mascara,streaked foundation or even fluid coming out of her eyes.

Non Blinker's vocal fry is tuned up 100 notches now "This isn't supposed to happennn, this shouldn'tttt be happening right nowwwww"

Even though he never blinked once this whole season he still never saw this coming. Which is pretty amazing being that his eyes look in two different directions at once.

NB- Youuu didn't want me anymorreeee

BO-No it's not that at all!

Actually that's exactly what it is.

The rejection limo pulls up & they cling to each other like velcro.

Blow Out (still tearless) wailes "I'm going to miss you!!! I miss you already! I don't want this to happen I know it has to but I don't want this to be happening right now I'm not ready to say goodbye to you"

She sounds like every mother dropping their kid off at college.

NB- “I just can’t believe that I like, squandered it away. Like I had no clue I was doing that… I thought that like when I kissed you, I thought that when I looked in your eyes, I thought the times we had, like that magic, was real.”

Blow Out- “It was real.”

You can almost hear the clicks of Nicholas Sparks' keyboard as he types this scene word for word into his new screenplay.

I was really hoping for Non Blinker to say "I don't know how to quit you!"before he got into the long,black, mechanical horse. I feel like it was a missed opportunity.

Blow Out- between gasps for air "I'm just trying to follow my gut!"

Your gut wasn't telling you to dump Luke, that was the producers! What your gut IS telling you is

"FEEEED ME! I'm starving! I've been living off champagne & men's saliva for the past 8 weeks! Feed meeeee!!!!"

I like to imagine her gut's voice sounds just like the plant from Little Shop of Horrors.

She is gown squatting again looking like Miss USA doing a Rain Man impression.She just keeps repeating the same sentence over & over "what if that was a mistake?...What if that was a mistake? What did I.....What if that was a mistake?!"

Um, it was more of a mistake making out with Evelyn the boner specialist on camera.

We have the loser limo cam confessional of Dead Eyes & he says what I imagine is a Pinterest quote you would see on one of those black & white beach pictures.

"I was in love with her, but I never got the chance TO love her"

I was waiting for him to follow it with" And what hurts the most, was being so close,and having so much to say and watching her walk away..."

Women from all the flyover states, please don't be sad. This is just the beginning for him. Think of how many Farmers Only.com commercials he's going to book from this! If he doesn't get chosen as the next Bachelor, I guarantee the CMT channel is going to scoop him up & give him his own dating show called "Luke-ing for Love"

It's pretty amazing that in just one  commercial break she goes from saying that "her heart is broken" to yelling "I'm in beautiful Thailand!!!!.

The producers REALLY want to get the point across that she still has to choose between 3 men so for the next 5 minutes we have "pondering" shots.

We see her look out over 8 different window balconies, pondering. We see her walking along the beach in a bikini, pondering. We see her touch random, public statues while pondering. I can't even count the number of times I've had to make a polygamy decision & what I've found always helps me is walking around aimlessly while touching public statues in 100 degree heat.

What she should be pondering about is how she has probably contracted MRSA by all the random shit she's touched in a foreign country. Howie Mandel would be vomiting if he were watching this.

I feel like I'm in Stings house because 15 minutes into the show & we have already seen 100 Buddha statues.

She says in her confessional "I just can't wait to meet the locals and be with them & experience their culture!" Oh yeah Jojo! I'm sure you're gonna have a big kiki with the locals of a town where everyone is living under the poverty level. You're not Angelina Jolie.

Implants really wants to "experience the culture" & she's in luck! Because she's staying at the very exotic Marriott resort! How culturally authentic!

This is already my favorite episode of the whole season because it has monkeys!

(In case you don't know my career goal in life's just to be famous enough to be a guest on the Wendy Williams Show & to own a monkey, so I really need you guys to spread this blog like herpes k?)

First date we have is former swimmer/current homosexual Robby. They meet in the local farmers market, but instead of organic fruit & flower arrangements this market sells octopus heads & malaria nets.

He decides to do his best Jerry Seinfeld impression & greets her with the opening line of "And you thought FLORIDA was hot!!" .....

Well, we can add "comedian" to his list of failed careers.

Blow Out of course laughs like he's the white Chris Rock. They talk about the weather for most of the date like they're two retirees in Boca Raton. They go through the market as the locals in the background look on in confusion. I'm pretty sure the locals think they're shooting another Hangover sequel & are confused as to why Bradley Cooper looks so bad.

They keep talking about how hot it is which is weird because neither of their hair styles have changed. You would assume the humidity & 95 degree weather would make all of his hair gel melt down his body, which I'm sure wouldn't really bother him. He looks like he's very comfortable having sticky substances all over his face & chest, but the hair stays exactly in place. Proving more & more that he's a Ken Doll.

Blow Out's hair also stays perfect. How does her hair still look like she just walked out of a Dry Bar? It should look like Monica's from the Friends episode where they all went to the Bahamas.

It starts pouring rain as they are in a hut getting foot massages.He keeps telling her how much he loves her & that she has NOTHING to worry about regarding his ex girlfriend and the timeline of their breakup & him applying for the show. Right after he says that we hear a loud crack of thunder because even God is laughing at what this over the hill twink is saying.

They kiss and he looks completely normal. He doesn't look like a stalker ex boyfriend in a Lifetime Logo movie at all!...

It's now time for the no eating dinner date. Can I note that during every single dinner date this whole season, Jojo & the contesticle walk up to the table & say the same thing

"Oh wow! Look at this, this is incredible!"

It's the same setup in literally every city you've been in! They put a ridiculously small circular table with a white table-cloth on it and a minimum of 9 useless candles. We always have two heaping plates of food that will never be touched. This show could single-handedly end world hunger just by donating all these date meals.

I will give credit to Implants, she knows how to fish for a compliment.

"So you told your family that you're in love with me? (beaming) What did they say about me?"

They said that you're beautiful,sweet & that you have the conversation skills and personality  of a polite child.  Oh never mind, that's just what I say about you.

He tells her "They all said that you were absolutely gorgeous & amazing! And each person in my family told me that they could totally see me & you, side by side together forever"

Um, maybe not side by side. But I could see you standing behind her chair with a curling iron in one hand & a Beauty Blender in the other.

Closeted Ken Doll then pulls one of the cheesiest & creepiest props the producers have ever come up with. He pulls out a folded piece of paper. He gets very serious & says

"I was getting changed for bed and I found this in the back pocket of my jeans, it's a letter my dad snuck in there & I had no idea"

I get an older man touching your ass is not a new sensation for you, but your jeans are spray painted on you. Your dad would have had to use the jaws of life to get that back pocket open.

And since that didn't happen, the producers gave you a legal pad & 3 minutes to scribble a note from your "Dad". It's like when you would forge your parents signature on a permission slip to go on a field trip, but this time it's a permission slip to get into the Fantasy Suite.

The forged letter reads

"Robby, I can tell you really love Jojo. Do not get down about all this negativity surrounding your past relationship. Stick to your plan and everything will work out. You are the man. I love you, Dad"

If that letter was really written by his dad it would have just said "I wish Michael Phelps had been my son instead of you"

Ken Doll says  "I want you to keep that note, just in case you ever have any doubts or concerns about my feelings about you or the timeframe in which I was able to develop those, you can find comfort by looking at it anytime you need reassurance"

That's right girls! If you ever have any doubts about the guy you're dating being a fuck boy (or a boy who likes to fuck other boys) just read a note from his parents because they won't be biased at all!

She gives him the Fantasy Suite card because she wants to get back inside a room with air conditioning.

The "Fantasy Suite" is just a regular Marriott double suite with the same terrible hotel room artwork, the only difference is I don't see a TV! This isn't a fantasy, it's a nightmare.

I didn't think this could get worse, then he opens his mouth.

"Now I don’t have to dream about Jojo anymore. I get to dream with Jojo! I get to lay next to her, tell her goodnight & kiss her goodnight!"

Kissing & dreaming, because that's what every straight guy wants to do in bed with a girl they've been dating for 8 weeks & have only gotten to first base with!

They shut the door, we see the lights turn off & the producers zoom in on the "do not disturb"sign on the door. DO YOU GET IT ABC AUDIENCE !?!?!? They're in the "Fantasy Suite" with the lights off! They have a "Do not disturb" sign on the door that we zoomed in on! Do you get it? But do you guys get it?

After stock images of the moon & a romantic unlicensed song that ABC didn't have to pay for we have the "morning after" scene.

I'm sure Ken Doll woke up & went to the bathroom to put on concealer & fix his hair before getting back into bed before JoJo woke up.

They are having no eating breakfast in bed as production has put an entire fruit bar station at the bottom of the comforter. Why don't you give those plates of food to the monkeys? Or the locals? There is plenty of fruit in the bed already.

Whichever intern was in charge of set design for  "morning after fake sex" decided to put Blow Out's heels on the nightstand. You know girls, how we always put our shoes on the table closet to where we sleep? Especially the shoes we've been wearing while walking outside in a 3rd world country?

You know they didn't have sex because their aren't spray tan stains on the sheets or makeup face prints on the pillows from either of them!

Like a hooker that's working tipple shifts, she has to get dressed & get ready to head off to her next date or her pimp Chris Harrison will slap her with his well manicured hand.

As she's getting ready Closeted Ken Dolls voiceover is

"I want to be the guy who is late to work bc he doesn't want to leave her in the morning & be the guy who leaves work early to rush back home to her"

So basically you don't ever want to have to be at work? Well good news Robby you can't be "late" to being a former swimmer.

As she walks out of the 2.5 star hotel he goes out on his balcony & just watches her. Barf. She awkwardly says "Ok...I'll see you later!" ya know after I sleep with the 2 other guys.

He purrs over the balcony

"Sooner rather than later, por favor?"

I didn't realize they spoke spanish in Thailand. If so, how do you say "jump off your balcony" ?

She goes back to her suite to shower off the second-hand stink of Axe body spray & get ready for the guy she's thought about having sex with since he first got out of the limo. It's time for the one with the famous brother that hates him!

They meet on the beach & after they kiss Notebook style she excitedly tells him "I planned a hike!"

Oh no. I would eliminate myself right there.

Aaron Rodger's brother doesn't seem pleased about the date activity & whines after only hiking up 4 steps. C'mon Jordan! At least this gets you in shape for when you go to training campooohhhh wait. Never mind.

They hike up a trail that has even more steps than Jordan's grooming routine.They go into a cave & I'm praying we have a reenactment of the scene from Ace Ventura when Nature Calls where Jim Carey goes into the bat cave.

The cave looks like they're going into Bruce Waynes underground layer. Blow Out says that she has to cover her shoulders now because there is a temple in the cave & quote

"Temples are sacred in this country"

Unlike temples everywhere else in the world....

I think it's ironic that she has to cover her shoulders but her Daisy Duke ass cheek shorts are fine.

***Not hating-if I had Jojo's body I'd be naked, I wouldn't care if I was in a regular cave temple or competing in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Fuck no I'm not going to wear that Red Jaguar t-shirt & dumb ass helmet, I'm not wearing anything but my mic pack! I want that creepy Olmec wall statue to see all of this body! Give the helmet to someone who needs it-like Chase.***

They sit down on the rock that looks like the one in that 147 hours movie & just talk about how much they hate that they're in a temple and can't make out & dry hump each other like all their other dates. No spelunking in the cave, you have to wait till the fantasy suite.

To distract himself from how blue his balls are getting, Jordan asks her about her family. Now this is what gets me sexually excited! I've been waiting for them to bring up her drunk,overly botoxed mom & psycho brothers all season! FINALLY!

Jo Bro- What's your family like?

Well, all of her family still talks to one another so they're totally different from yours.

Jordan stop pretending that you didn't watch last season! You know her family gave us the best GIF that will ever come out of this stupid franchise!

She tells him that her mom is "Really fun" & that her brothers are "very protective". Two of the bigger understatements in history. Her mom gave us the best Real Housewife of Texas audition tape I've ever seen while her brothers acted like they were from the Secret Service fraternity branch.

Jordan says how he has always wanted to be able to "look his future wife's dad in the eye & have him know I'm going to take care of his daughter"

Don't worry, I'm sure after meeting you her dad will know that you'll take care of his daughter(& her schedule of staged paparazzi pictures.)

At the waste of a dinner date Blow Out says that they haven't talked about what the future will look like. I'm hoping she's going to reveal that she's a doomsday prepper !

BO-What does the future look like for you?

Jimmy Newtron- uuummm......tough question to answer.

BO- that makes me nervous with your lifestyle & I don't want a long distance relationship

Jimmy Newtron-I don't have a home base right now

The benefits of being unemployed are that you can do it almost anywhere!

BO-its not like we're dating & can figure this out, the worst thing could happen is spending your life with someone & realizing your lifestyles don't work together!

Um that's what divorce & cheating are for.

Blow Out starts asking him a bunch of "How do I know" questions

"How do I know that you'll want this forever with me? How do I know that you're not going to get scared & want to leave?"

She basically just says a bunch of lyrics that were cut out of Whitney Houston's song "How do I know"

Jimmy Newtron-I'm a better person when I'm with you

*They make out over the untouched tuna steaks*

Why does every guy tell her that "She makes them a better person"? How shitty of a person were they before that THIS is the best version of them?

Blow Out obviously gives him the Fantasy Suite card which she was ready to give him the first night he got out of the limo.

They get in their Fantasy Marriott Double Suite & it's much nicer than the one her & Robby pretended to have sex in. Uh Oh.

The next morning we see them in bed (after hair & makeup has spent an hour with each of them.)

Jimmy Newtron confessional

"That's exactly what we needed. We were able to take a really exciting step in our relationship"

Anal?

-Blow Out is giving us "Regina George walk of shame" realness in an army print dress & flip flops number! Also how small is this Marriot that every date see's her walking around from their room?-

She's off to her last date with the least amount of brain cells-Mongoloid. Blow Out is wearing white Daisy Duke shorts & walking like she has a diaper rash, or maybe it's just a UTI from last night with Jimmy Newtron. Either way in 100 heat how are you not chaffing?!

I was waiting for Mongoloid to ask her "We're in Thailand, but no one is wearing ties!"

He says it smells like fish (Robby's most hated smell.) He goes over to a bucket picks up a dead fish & kisses it. Now he knows what it feels like for Jojo when she has to kiss him. He seems really entertained by the fish & I think it's because it reminds him of his favorite book "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish".

Blow Out says how much she loves that he makes her feel "special"; I assume she means like a special ed teacher.

Mongoloid points out a monkey "Hi monkey! Are you sweating? I'm sweating!"

More monkeys! Less of everyone else!

BO-Monkeys are like humans!

Well, not the human you're sitting next to, monkey's are intelligent & can solve puzzles.

Their date is just sitting on the beach. All of the dates in Thailand have been free-walking around a market, hiking & now sitting on a beach. I guess maybe it's to get her used to what her future will be like dating a man who is unemployed.

They go back to their rooms to change clothes & mic packs. She is back on her balcony just staring over the ledge. If I saw my neighbor be on her balcony that much I would think she was suicidal.

Guess who shows up unannounced & unwanted ? You guessed it!

He's like herpes or glitter, every time you think it's gone it comes back.

She tells him she's still on a date (which I assume is why he showed up, hoping to get a glimpse of Jimmy Newtron or Mongoloid in post coitus shower)

He tells her "I'm ready for us, I'm so ready to get down on one knee! Country clubs & coloring cooks" 

Is that a common saying? He does look like the stereotypical white country club, rich dick. I mean, they do both have all day to spend doing adult coloring books because neither of them have jobs.

It's now no eating dinner date with Mongoloid, they talk about politics & an exit strategy for the Middle East.

She gives him the date card to read & I'm just so proud he was able to pronounce every word! Gold star for you Chase!

They go into the Fantasy Marriott Double Suite & Mongoloid tells her

“I want to say that I’m 100% in love with you. It’s wild because I’ve never told anyone that first. And I know that burden that sentence and that phrase carries. I’m ready to carry that for you.”

Blow Out- Thank you for telling me that.

Uh oh.

In her confessional she says how she's wanted to hear him say that for so long, but after hearing it she's not as excited as she should be & she doesn't feel the same way.

She's looking at him the way you look at your Uber driver when they try to talk to you. He keeps trying to mumble on about his feelings as a child of divorce blaahhalablalla

She cuts him off "Can you wait here for a minute?"

He dopey says "Sure! I'll be here!"

I think he thinks she's leaving to get a condom, when actually she's literally trying to escape the room as fast as she can. She looked like she was about to pull a Coolaid Man move & just run through the wall. She finally finds an exit through a sliding glass door & goes & hides in the Marriot Court Yard garden. When your date would rather hang out in a hotel pathway that's not a good sign.

She waits outside & I think she's just hoping he'll put on Yo Gabba Gabba on the TV & she can sneak off back to Jimmy Newtron.

She finally goes back in and breaks the news.

“When you said that to me, like in my heart and in my gut, I don’t think I felt what I thought I was gonna feel. And I don’t know if I’m in the same place as you. I just don't think-"

He snaps "I get the point. I just threw myself out there. I just jumped over a hurdle that I’ve never done before, and now I’m skewered. Now I’m shattered. I mean, what do you want me to say? You didn't give it a chance"

I assume by "it" he means his dick.

She keeps saying she's sick to her stomach, but I think it's just the effects of her plan B pill.

She says how she really wanted to be able to love him & see a future with him but she just couldn't. He's crying & trying to get away as she claws on to him so she can keep explaining all the reasons she's NOT in love with him. I keep waiting for him to say

"I may be a simple man Jennaayyy, but I know what love is"

He grabs a beer & get's into the reject bus " “Oh, is this my fantasy suite? That sucked. I get a fantasy suite card and then I get sent home. That’s like pull your pants down and kick me in the nuts. I said, ‘I love you.’ I should never have said that "

I like THIS Chase. Where was this version of him all season?

It's now the Pro Flower Rose ceremony which  is not needed because there are only two fame seekers left but ok producers let's fill the last 25 minutes. The unemployment line stands there confused where the special one is & Blow Out tells her that she sent him home.

Magically at the same time she's saying this Mongoloid shows up! As he's pushed down the stairs by producers. WHAT A TWIST!!!!!

Mongoloid asks to speak with her so they go off and the Hair gel twins just stand there, sweaty & annoyed.

Ken Doll snaps "So people get sent home & just come back from the dead"

I mean chase does have the charisma of a zombie so I guess he's right?

Mongoloid & Implants sit on a bench (if anyones keeping count this is the 294th bench scene this season.) He tells her he wishes the best for her, he loves her, he'll always be there if she changes her mind blahblahablah more sweet, sad, rescue puppy stuff.

As he leaves, a monkey follows behind him. It looks just like the evolutionary chart but in reverse.

Blow Out is back to crying. For someone whose a size zero & has men begging to be with her she cries more than I do. She wailes "Why is falling in love so hard?!?"

Well, you're having a hard time figuring out which of the two guys you love more so it seems falling in love isn't that big of a problem. She's loved more guys in one season than I have 27 years on Earth.

She gives the first rose to Jimmy Newtron, because why switch it up now? I don't see why she just didn't have them both race up to the table at the same time but whatever.

Former Swimmer/Current homosexual gets his rose & says "I'm just so excited to meet your parents & your brothers! "

I'm sure you're VERY excited to meet the brothers. All three stand there & have a toast of champagne. Yay! Cheers to all sharing DNA!

She made a huge mistake not giving both roses to that monkey.

Well Kitten's, there's just one more episode till Jojo announces she's going to be on Dancing with the Stars!

I love you for reading!!!

XOXO

A.

**Sorry for the delay my screen had to be prepared by the real life Big Bang Theory cast at the Apple Genius Bar**

Amber Alert for Aaron Rodgers

"Have you been wondering where all the contesticles got their terrible personalities from? No? Well we're going to show you anyway in an agonizingly long 2 hours!"

Our first trip is to Colorado to visit the human ambient pill Chase. Blow Out & Mongoloid sit on a jagged cliff in front of what I assume is a green screen because the backdrop looks like a screen saver. The reason I think it's fake (besides the fact that everything on this show is) is because due to global warming the snow would have already melted by the time Mongoloid was finished mumbling his sob story of his parents being divorced. He keeps talking about his parents being divorced as if they're both in prison for manslaughter. I guess we now have to be subjected to not just one but two boring home visits because his parents can't even put on a united front for weddings,graduations or national television.

"The divorce was REALLY bad....lawsuits & stuff"

Well at least neither of your parents had to fight over who got custody of your personality.

They go to Mongoloids house & see his staircase. He has clearly fallen down those stairs many times which explains his apparent brain damage. Blow Out keeps saying "This house is nice!" I guess she IS funny!

The doorbell rings & he mumbles "It's my dad...I haven't seen him in a really long time...ok"

WHAT?! If you don't even see your dad why the fuck do we have to?!? ughughughgugh. I guess producers knew that since they don't have some bullshit outside activity set up like dog sledding or snow boarding to distract us from their lack of connection we need to bring in reinforcements. Mongoloids dad didn't even want to be around him & I don't blame him.

His dad arrives & they hug each other as if they both have terrible sunburns all over their bodies. They all sit down on the Ashley furniture couch & Mongoloid decides to use this time to confront his dad about leaving the family. I guess those SciFy movies are true, robots WILL  turn on the person who created them.

Why have this conversation with a family therapist when you can have it in front of the girl you have been fake dating for five weeks, ten producers, five camera operators & the boom mic operator!? At least if your dad tries to abandon you (again) during this discussion the camera crew can run after him like on Cops or How to catch a Predator!

Mongoloid is like that terrible Eddie Murphy movie 1000 words so I guess the reason he hasn't talked all season if he was saving all his words up for this.

Quote "I m just having a hard time figuring out why it hasn't worked..why did not.....your first marriage work out?"

Aaaww sweetie, you don't have to say "you're having a hard time figuring out" I think that's already implied...

I know you're as dumb as your stairs look, but do you really not get that 50% of marriages end in divorce?  His dad seems nice & this scene is like watching if two robots were on Iyanlah Fix My Life.

My body feels like I drank a gallon of NyQuil. They should have a disclaimer before Mongoloid's scenes that you should not drive or operate heavy machinery after viewing.

We now have to go visit his mom & his sister-who apparently couldn't be bothered to wash her hair or put on mascara before going on national television. Mongoloid & his sister talk about how the divorce really affected their childhood & now it makes it difficult for them to have normal relationships. They talk about their childhood like it was the inspiration for the movie "ROOM". Get the fuck over it, if Jaycee Dugard can move on so can you.

Blow Out & his mom go outside & sit on a broken ski lift. The ski lift has the best personality out of the whole family. Blow Out gets in her Uber Black to go visit a family rift we ACTUALLY care about.

We go to Chico California which would be much more interesting if it were Chino California where Ryan Atwood is from. They have Blow Out do her confessional in a bush in the forest as five deer go running by. That is by far & away the most exciting thing to happen this season. I wish we could see how many interns they made go run through the forrest trying to chase deer into running in the right direction for camera.

It's a hometown visit so where do you think he brings her? His highschool of course! Cue the song Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen. They walk up to the school & on the sign outside it says "Welcome  Jordan & Jojo"

She squeals "OMG! This is AMAZING! I can't believe you did this!"

Calm down, that sign was just flashing the Teacher of the Month two seconds earlier. We meet his coach & Jimmy Newtron passive aggressively says "he decided he didn't want to start me!" oh so it wasn't just the NFL coaches! It's a shame he's way to vain to cover up his face & hair in a mascot costume because with his height & desperation to be part of a team I think he would have been great at it.

They go into the school library & he pushes her up again the history books session & dry humps her. This is the closest he's cum to reading a book in a long time...

They go into a janitors closet I mean an "office" that the interns had to transform with wall to wall photos of sweaty young football players from ten years ago. Even Jerry Sandusky didn't have this many pictures in his office.

Jimmy Newtron says "I bet you wont be able to find me in all these pictures!" Literally 2 seconds later Blow Out points & goes "Is that Aaron?" wow! She's amazing at Where's Waldo Where's Olivia Munn's Boyfriend?

He asks her "Do you want to see the football field?" aka  "Do you want to see where I had the most success of my whole life?"

Well we do know that high school quarterback who peaked in high school IS her type!

As they sit on the dirty bleachers in her white jeans she asks "I know your brother AARON isn't a part of your life right now, so is it weird to talk about? Should I not bring it up as a topic?"

He answers "Yeah, no, it doesn't have to be brought up or a topic, yeah I'll tell them we discussed it briefly, so it's not a topic, ya know?"

No, we actually don't know because you gave us three different answers.

They walk up to the house compound which has a fountain in the driveway big enough for the entire cast of Friends to dance in. She is holding a much more expensive flower bouquet than the one she brought to Mongoloid's mom which looked like they gave a PA a flower budget of $12. Jimmy Newtron is carrying a small gift bag, is it normal to bring your mom a  hostess gift? I wish they would show what's in it, I'm sure it's a bunch of discount items from the ABC store. Congratulations Rodgers' family! You're now the owners of a brand new Blackish coffee mug!

Blow Out's confessional - "I know Aaron won't be here, but I'm excited to meet the other brother luke & the other family!" Sure you are.

Luke the brother no one cares about

His dad looks like he's using one of those weird snapchat filters, that or his dad is Jeff Daniels who got his head smashed in an elevator.  The brother Luke looks like Jimmy Newtron's "before" picture if they were in a Hydroxicut commercial. It's insane how all the men in the family look-alike, just in different stages of life. The dad is a terrifying Frankensteintrout ghost of christmas future.

The mom tells a delightful story over dinner "Jordan used to always try to run away, but we told him if he did we would call the police so instead he would just stand at the border of the property with his backpack glaring at us!"

There are two giant empty chairs at the head of the table, I wonder who those could be for?!?!

Blow Out goes to talk to Luke the Joey Fatone of the Rodgers family. She decides to bring up Aaron for the 17th time in this episode. Luke looks more uncomfortable than Mongoloid's dad. "We don't really discuss him" not taking no for an answer or missing out on the chance to meet Olivia Munn she continues with the forbidden subject.

"I can't imagine what it's like for you & the family to have this divide. I mean Aaron...that's your brother! That's Jordan's brother, that's your parent's son!'

Blow Out has a future working for Ancestory.com!

Aaron is even blurred out of the family pictures, he is so far estranged that he apparently won't even sign ABC's photo release to show his likeness on camera! But we do get to see Jimmy Newtron's picture that makes him look like the team rapist.

I'm so curious about the skeletons in this family's closet. A son who constantly tried to run away from home & a son who won't come home at all means they are a three-part Dr. Phil episode waiting to happen.

Before she leaves for the airport Jimmy Newtron makes out with her & whispers "Don't ever doubt this"

*This-My desire to be the next Bachelor

Now we visit former swimmer/current homosexual Robby in St Augustine, Florida. Ken Doll is in his signature salmon.

He tells her "I have a hard time whistling so can you do it for me?" Oh c'mon Robby you whistle, just pretend you're in the audience at a Chippendales show!

She whistles & we see a horse carriage come around the corner. We've had more horse scenes than hot tub scenes this season!

He asks the driver of the horse carriage "Our carriage drivers name is Robert, is that you?"

Apparently horse carriages are the Ubers of St. Augustine you want to make sure you get in the right one. Gay Ken Doll says "Wow I can't believe your names Robert too, we're the same!"

No, this Robert has a job.

They start the carriage tour & Gay Will Forte gives boring facts about the town but unfortunately not one about why there are people dressed in full pirate costumes walking the streets. Blow Out keeps saying how impressed she is with how well he knows the town. I agree, I bet he knows all the best glory holes & tanning salons in town!

They go to his home & she is carrying a bouquet that I'm sure Robby arranged himself. He is carrying 6 gift bags like he just came from a Mary Kay party. This is the first family visit in the show where it appears everyone is still on speaking terms with each other.

Blow Out & his mom sit on the bed with their shoes on (barf) & his mom mentions how close Robby & her are and that they tell each other everything. A gay man being close with his mom? Shocking. Blow Out tells the mom that she's falling in love with Robby "I wasn't sure at the start of the date but after the ride & meeting you now I'm sure" you changed your mind after 3 hours of Florida humidity? You're as insane as Alex the toy soldier!

The mom then goes & talks to her hair dresser son & tells him "There's an issue out in the world"

Hunger? Poverty? Donald Trump?

No, something MUCH worse.

"Your ex girlfriends roommate made it look like you broke up with her to go on the show"

His response "In person or on-line?"

Yes Robby, she's doing it in person. She's been standing in the town square shouting it at the top of her lungs!

His face is now the same salmon color as his shirt. I can't tell if it's because he's angry or if it's because he forgot to wear his SPF tinted moisturizer on the carriage date. He decides to go tell Blow Out right away who is still sitting on the bed with her shoes on (barf.)

He tells her what's going on & she begs him to tell her the truth. "You broke up with your girlfriend of 4 years 3 months ago, is that the same time you found out you were going to be on the show?"

He responds with "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! That's not it, no!"

The more you say the word "no" the more it's a clear "yes".

She tells him how this terrifies her that he could be here even though he's not over his ex from 3 months ago because she's so CLEARLY over Ben who broke up with her 3 months ago.

Her car is here for the airport, it's raining as he walks her out with an umbrella so he doesn't mess up his spray tan. She gets in the car & he leaves the umbrella right in the street, you know like how you always leave your umbrella!

We now go to Texas to visit Luke the non blinker. We have shots of him walking on a train track & various shots of him leaning against a wall with a "pensive" look. Like Mongoloid & Zoolander, he only has one look.

He greets Blow Out & it looks like a hollywood set of an abandoned western town, there are no cars or people.They of course go sit on a bench, jesus they've sat on more benches this season than I have my whole life. I thought public benches were for the homeless & for at risk youth to graffiti?

She's wearing a stereotypical "hot girl trying to look country as a last-minute Halloween costume" with white cut off shorts,a chambray shirt that also buttons up the back for some reason, and cowboy boots. She didn't even wear cowboy boots when she was on the horseback riding date!

Non Blinker drives her around in his giant pickup truck & I'm sure production had to cover the picture of Calvin peeing on a picture of Bin Laden.They drive down a dirt road & she sees a bunch of cars parked in  field "Why are their so many cars?" a better question would be "why do half these truck have nuts hanging from them?"

The reason there are so many cars is because he turned meeting his family into a hootenanny. There are 50 people there, so basically everyone who lives in the town which explains why the general store was closed. Half the crowd looks like they all made their shirts from the same picnic blanket.  As Blow Out is stuck with the crowd of chewing tobacco Non Blinker & his dad go sit on the porch in rocking chairs like they're sitting outside of Cracker Barrel & talk about how much he likes staring at Blow Out.His dad seems nice even though I'm sure we disagree on basically every issue.

As they sit at the table & talk about how great barbecue is which its clear Blow Out must have eaten a lot of it as her lipstick is perfectly in tact & the white shorts are still spotless. Non Blinker announces he has a surprise for her.

You can see on her face she's thinking "Is it Aaron Rodgers?! Please be Aaron Rodgers!"

Non Blinker & her go walk in the pasture & what a surprise! There just happens to be a perfectly constructed couch made from hay bails & decorated with lantern like it's the set of a Lady Antebellum music video. They sit & make out as the sun sets perfectly behind them. It's like the Lifetime channel's version of a Nicholas Sparks movie, normally Luke just looks like the guy who would play the stalker ex boyfriend in a Lifetime movie.

They spend the entire date with their faces an inch apart.He then takes her to a pathway of  mason jars leading to a giant heart made out of wild flowers-nicely done interns! Hearts are so hard to make even!

They stand in the middle & make out as a country song plays, thankfully it wasn't a James Taylor Rescue Puppy original. He tells her "You make my heart smile" Clearly Luke takes his lines from Matthew McConaughey. You can almost hear every woman in middle America's ovaries exploding.

Me? I'm more focused on Jojo's hair which after all these outside dates in sweltering heat & it never frizzing or falling once I'm now thinking is a wig. This whole hometown visit looked like it should have been on the CMT channel.

We now go the Pro Flowers rose ceremony that's being held in a plane hanger because Chris Harrison doesn't want to waste time having to drive from the airport to set for his contractional 5 minutes of work so he demanded that they just do it there.

It looks like a Mens Warehouse commercial meets  Oceans 11.We see a private plane waiting to whisk the final 3 off & I'm really hoping that Jake Pavelka is the pilot. The red carpet they have set up is longer than the relationship all last.

Blow Out is wearing an amazing electric blue gown that looks like she's going to the Emmys. She clearly was hoping she would get to wear it to the Espy's cough cough.She says in a confessional "I think I have to get rid of Luke" seriously? HOW the fuck is Mongoloid still there? Did he promise you a lifetime supply of Xanax bars?

Right before she starts the elimination  the producers give him the cue & Non Blinker says "Can I tallllk to youuuu for a secondddd"

She says "Sure!" like this is normal procedure. They walk down the ridiculously long red carpet out of the plane hanger & the guys all sit there blankly staring. Jimmy Newtron is annoyed, Mongoloid is too busy thinking of what sound an airplane makes & Robby is too busy picturing a Broke Back Mountain situation with Luke.

Outside Non Blinker says in full Kardashian vocal fry "Listen when you were visiting my familyyyy.. I didn't tell youuuuu what I should have told youuu..... and after you left i couldn't stop thinking about it....I should have told you that I love you but I didn't have timeeee"

Yeah instead you were too busy debating your family over bbq. It also takes you 5 minutes to say one sentence. He does a longer pause between each word than Maury reading paternity results. He then goes back in line as the guys just stare right ahead like they're at a urinal.

Outside the plane hanger Blow Out is crying without any tears & pacing back and forth in the gown so fast that she must still be wearing the cowboy boots under the dress.

She just starts frantically talking out loud "What do I do..... I don' understand why he did this now.....I can't make this decision....I can't breathe.....I can't do this!"

She then squats down in the gown like she's peeing because she doesn't want to have to pass the guys in order to get to the plane hanger restroom . We then see "too be continued" flash across the screen.

NO! God fucking dammit! How much longer can this go on! How the fuck did we have to see these hometown visits & we STILL haven't seen Jojo's crazy brothers & her wino mom?

We've seen them as much as we've seen Aaron!

The best part of this episode-Blow Out's gown

The worst part of this episode-the other 118 minutes

Next week there are 2 episodes (fuck me) and one is the Men Yell All episode so at least we get The Chad back!

I love you for reading my Kittens!

XO

A.

Meet my cat's Grandfather!

-My mom & I stealing each other's looks at my dad's comedy birthday show-

-My mom & dad dressed as Milania & Trump at my last Halloween party-

-My dad & I at my Super Sweet 18th birthday party that was a Pimps & Hoes theme, the theme was suggested by my mom!-

My podcast guest this week is the person I love most in the world (even more than I love myself) it's my dad! We talk about every Bravo show, Kardashians, Trump, my future husband & my brief stint of stealing! Podcast is up on Sound Cloud & iTunes now!

My dad's twitter account is @ClassicRJ1030 he uses it just to tweet mean things to Trump

I love you so much for listening!

XOXO

A.

https://soundcloud.com/user-62623258/episode-3-with-guest-rj-adda-desisto

I want to gaucho my eyes out

We open up with the contesticles all sitting in the hotel room talking about last nights rose ceremony & of course instead of being happy that he's even still there Lord Farquad Alex is more upset that Rescue Puppy James Taylor got to stay. "I just DON'T understand how I was in the bottom two, last night really upset me"

You're upset by something?! Wow what a twist! There is nothing this season that he HASN'T complained about, he's such a Debbie Downer Angry Alex. Also you're very used to being at the bottom of everything.

He's also wearing a plaid hoodie, good to see Pac Sun has added a children's section! He whines about how he's never had a 1 on 1 & that "it's just unfair" wow I bet he was a BLAST to be in basic training with.

"I feel like I'm the black sheep" well you're the size of a sheep... Lamb Chop

The date card comes & it's for Angry Elf which is a shame because in two more minutes we were about see him go full on tantrum sitting on the floor screaming like when he's in the aisle of Toys R Us.

Photo Credit- @Swainsch

Blow Out & Angry Elf get into the SUV for the date & I don't know about car safety laws in Argentina but here in America kids are required to be in a car seat. There is no child safety seat so instead he sits in the middle seat & gloms on to her. He looks like the little kid who is in love with his babysitter, he's so close to her that she's smashed up against the window like there's 2 other imaginary people also sitting in the back seat.

In Lord Farquads voice over he says "I'm here to give her everything but if she wants it she needs to show me that she wants it, she needs to give something back to me too"

Ugh. Alex is the guy who thinks every girl wants him, yes every girl does want you (to go away)

Meanwhile the producers make the other gonads go on a forced bromance adventure because they need B Roll. Instead of having them ride in a car the producers decide to make them ride in the Argentinian version of the Partridge family bus. Wow this is WHACKY! LOLOLOL

Chase should feel right at home, he's used to riding a short bus.

Blow Out says in a voiceover "Today's important because I'm seeing what a normal day with Alex is like" well it's JUST as terrible as you imagined.

Angry Elf also has a Rain Man type level obsession with grains. He keeps narrating every crop they drive by.

"Is that wheat?....... I think that's wheat-What is this... the wheat bowl of the country?!"

He pauses for laughter like what he just said was a joke. Blow Out does her best forced laugh & says "Can you just be normal?"

You're right! He's not being normal, because normally he's a whiny bitter asshole talking about another contestant instead of making autistic statements about grains.

In Blow Out's voiceover she says "I'm having a hard time connecting with him romantically at this point"

Is it because he's the size of Tyrion Lannister but with the personality of Lord Jeoffrey? Or is it because it feels like pedophilia?

You know what will make this date better? Some prop comedy! He opens up the can of Pringles because once you pop the awkwardness don't stop! He puts the Pringle's in his mouth to make... duck lips! What? WOW! I think he's the first person I've ever seen do that! When this show is over he needs to go on Shark Tank because this kid is an inventor!

He then tries to kiss her with them as she deflects by jabbing a Pringle in to his face as a self-defense move. He's the first person I've seen be cock blocked by a chip.In his mind he's probably so confused "I don't get it, this bit killed on the playground last month)

As if your vagina isn't dry enough, we now we cut to the doofi on the bus-rapping. Yep, producers have the 4 whitest guys in America rapping.

They have to rap because I assume by now someone has finally smashed Rescue Puppy's guitar. The "free style" rap was clearly written for them by the interns right before they had to start filming.

"Go write a rap you have 5 minutes! Remember we have Luke & Chase on the bus so don't make any of the words more than 2 syllables! " This scene isn't just a treat for the ears but also the eyes!

Not only do we have a freestyle rap that makes Macklemore look like Jay Z, we also have  James Taylor's giant tattoo that is so bad it looks like a giant stick on for 4th of July that you would get done at a booth at the fair.

Former swimmer/current homosexual Robby wore the HOTEL slippers out. The gonad bus says how much more fun Blow Out would be having with them & they keep repeating over & over "This is the FUN bus!"

Is Miss Frizzel the driver!?

Next we have what might be my favorite scene ever.Keeping with the producer enforced rap theme Lord Farquad does a scene right out of Malibu's Most Wanted,  but he's completely serious with absolutely no irony.

LF: I can rap about anything! Give me a topic any topic & I'll rap about it!

Blow Out has the same facial expression as if someone just gave her the option of having to pick between a yeast infection or a UTI. She shuts her eyes tightly and flatly says

BO: OK... I guess..my name

and then he starts:

"YO YO-JoJo-gots to go-to the likko-stoe"

To add insult to ear injury he goes "See what I did there?!"

He is absolutely BEAMING with pride over his performance, in his mind he thinks he's B Rabbit from 8 Mile.

BO: (flatly) Yeah...I see what you did there

Yeah Alex, we ALL saw what you did there and we will never be able to un-see it. What's even more upsetting is the look on his face.

I thought all that time you spent on set filming Leprechaun Goes To the Hood would have rubbed off on you, apparently not.

The car ride is now so silent you can almost hear the buzz of the mic packs. Lord Farquad is attached to Blow Out like he's her human seatbelt as she just stares out the window picturing having sex with Jordan.

They arrive at the horse farm with the real gauchos who all look like they should be on the front of Folders coffee. They have to change into riding clothes and Angry Elf is wearing gaucho clothes from the Paddington Bear collection. He looks like a baker/painter from a Disney movie. Blow Out is dressed like she's Alessandra Ambrosia going to lunch. She's in a white silk shirt, suede brown flares and heel booties. You know, what you typically wear for riding horses outside!

They start riding &  Angry Elf seems really comfortable on the horse, it must be from all his practice riding the 50 cent ones in front of the grocery store.

He keeps narrating out loud everything that's happening, quote :

"Wow we're outside in this field with cows"

"I'm with you right now on a horse, this is crazy!"

"My horse is following your horse, I think it's a sign!"

You don't have to tell her what's happening, she's not blind! Although after your rap abortion I'm sure she wishes that she were deaf.

AE: You look like a model from a Ralph Lauren magazine!

BO:Thanks.

Her responses are even shorter than he is, you can tell she's praying for his horse to pull a Sea Biscuit & take off with him.

The gaucho then does a horse whispering performance by putting his hand over the horse's muzzle like he's chloroforming him as the horse lays down & is rolled on it's back. Now that the horse has been Cosby'd they lay down next to the horse's head & kiss over him. You can tell on the horses face that he would rather have been made into a glue stick than have to be a part of this.

It's now nighttime & they go into an old farm-house to have the "deep conversation" part of the date which they don't even bother putting out a fake meal for because it would require setting up a high chair.

They sit on the couch & Angry Elf keeps talking about how excited he is to bring her home to his family & her monotone response is

"Who would I be meeting & is it going to be weird?"

Are you saying you think it's weird his whole family lives in a tree that also doubles as their work place?

He then proceeds to tell her "I know I'm falling in love you. I need to make that clear, this is how I really feel & I'm not going to regret telling you this ever"

(wanna bet?)

"I fell in love with  you the minute  I saw you! This is just so amazing & it's so great that I'm the guy who gets to see you feeling the way I do now, it's nice just getting everything off my chest"

Blow Out looks like she would rather have her implants ripped out of her chest than be part of this conversation. She closes her eyes for so long that you can almost count all the individual pairs of eyelashes she has on. She keeps making the face that you see women have in migraine commercials.

"Yeah ummm.......I don't feel as excited as I should be to hear that & I don't think I'll ever get to that point"

Angry Elf turns on her real quick, he defensively says  "It definitely SUCKS that you can't see that being something that you want!"

She starts to say "I respect-" he abruptly cuts her off & snaps

"I came here, there was NO rose on the table! I wasn't expecting THIS  to happen "

He didn't know this date had a chance for elimination or he would have packed his Spiderman suitcase!

She asks if she can walk him out & he rolls his eyes and snarls "fine, whatever" as he stomps off two feet ahead of her. He's pissed, he even breaks the fourth wall looking straight into camera with his crazy eyes.

I said it in the 2nd recap when everyone was just focused on Chad, that Lord Farquad was really the crazy asshole we should be worried about & I was right.

He gives her a stiff one-armed hug & snaps "Yep, take care" as he jumps into the car & slams the door.

Blow Out fake cries "My final memory of him is him not being able to look me in the eyes!"

In his defense how could he? He barely comes up to your belly button.

God I wish they would have had a confessional of him in the car raging. I cant wait to see how many "answers" he demands from her at the Men tell All episode.

At least now he can use that beret as a sleeping bag!

The next day the obvious winner aka Aaron Rodgers Brother has the one on one date. Has anyone else noticed that he walks like he's never had human legs before?

They do their umpteenth Notebook run & jump kiss and they get into a private plane. That's so nice that he finally gets to feel what its like to be his brother.

They arrive at a vineyard & Blow Out is wearing jean shorts that are so short they look like denim panties. They do wacky grape stomping & I'm waiting for Jimmy Newtron Hair to say "Hey, have you ever seen that video of the news reporter stomping grapes & falling?!"

They drink the foot wine which can't taste any worse than the 20 other strains of saliva she's ingested throughout the season. They then of course get into a hot tub, you know how every vineyard has an outdoor hot tub in the middle of it? After 15 minutes of making out Implants straddles his underwater boner in the pre cum filled hot tub & asks "what are you thinking about?"

Hair:My mamma

gross.

While they're busy underwater dryhumping we cut to Non Blinker Luke & Mongoloid Chase talking about Jimmy Newtron.

Non Blinker says that it's unfair that "He had the most hype going into this because he's so well-known"

umm he's not Tom Brady.

I have literally never seen him before in my life & this is coming from a girl who was able to recognize Aubrey O'Days dogs in an airport (HUMBLE BRAG!)

If you had shown me a picture of Jordan & asked me to tell you who he was I would have said he was a guy who was too old to still be managing an Abercrombie & Fitch.

Non Blinker goes on to say how Blow Out may choose him because "He's the front-runner because he can get her box seats to the Super Bowl & that's really appealing" Yeah because she's such an active member on FanDuel.com!

Mongoloid goes on to mumble the longest sentence he's ever said on the show "I think JoJo is looking for a real guy, in a real town with a real job"

You know opposed to the other contestants who are imaginary guys from pretend towns.

Now it's time for Blow Out & Jimmy Newtron Hair's no eating dinner date. She asks him what it would be like to go meet his family next week

JNH-"Yeah well you'll meet my parents & my older brother Luke who is the funniest person you'll ever meet"

-OK so clearly Luke was adopted

"And um.. my middle brother won't be there"

He won't even say Aaron's name like he's fucking Voldermort so Blow Out has to say it.

BO: and your middle brother is..Aaron?

JNH "Yep...um we don't really talk but I have a GREAT relationship with my brother Luke"

yeah no one gives a shit about that brother who is probably an assistant manager at Verizon.

He goes on to tell her how he doesn't have any relationship with Aaron & I was dying for her to ask "OK well what about your relationship with Olivia Munn? Because that's a huge deciding factor going into the rose ceremony"

He goes on to say Aaron isn't close with the family anymore "I get the pressure he's under & the demands from people he knows"

You mean like you & your brother asking for tickets that you can scalp & having him autograph jerseys that you're going to sell on eBay? He says that Aaron has no idea he's doing the show. God I wish I could see Aaron's face watching this episode.

JNH "Football doesn't define me"

Really? because that's literally how your title card on the show defines you.

Jimmy Newtron doesn't want to talk about how his brother clearly blocked his number so he changes the topic to how in love he is with her. Of course you are she's the most famous person you know who still acknowledges your existence.

Next day is group date & it's raining so instead of some bullshit outside activity they have a wacky group slumber party! That's at 11 AM & they order terrible looking room service. Rescue Puppy said "I'm bringing my A game to this date today!" & then proceeded with "I can fit every french fry in my mouth wanna see!?"

He is the male version of Karen Smith. They're both sweet, dumb, but instead of fitting his whole fist in his mouth it's a plate of french fries.

At least with his mouth full of fries he can't sing.

JoJo then decides the next zany activity will be a massage train!

BOO!!!!!!! I wanted Human Centipede!

The guys sit in a row massaging each other & no surprise Robby looks super comfortable in a daisy chain of men touching each other. I'm sure it brings fond memories of his time in the group showers after swim practice.

They then play truth or dare & JoJo's crazy dare was for Robby to WAIT FOR IT!.......

RUN DOWN THE HALLWAY IN HIS UNDERWEAR!

WUH WUH WOAHHH! LOLOLOLLOL

That IS crazy! Especially because no one is on this fucking hotel floor because production has rented the entire thing out.

I would have dared him to tell us how he's making money being a former swimmer? Or to tell us how many cocks he's sucked.

Robby brags "I think JoJo made me do this because she just wanted to see me with my shirt off!"

You just had a date 2 weeks ago where you guys went swimming! It's not like you've been hiding under a burka, we know what your body looks like as do half the men in Jacksonville on Grindr.

They all lay on the bed together, of course Rescue Dog has to lay at the bottom. Rescue Dog proceeds to make himself look even more pathetic by trying to call out Robby in front of JoJo.

"Robby checks out other women all the time, that's why we call him WER-It stands for Wandering Eye Robby!"

WER-wow what a catchy sounding nickname!

I totally believe Robby checks out women-for their shoes.

Robby who looks like a gay West Hollywood version of Will Forte keeps talking about how he's "a front-runner" I think he maybe the only person from Jacksonville to ever feel that way.

-That horse they should have used for Alex-

The next day Non Blinker & her have a one on one date at a horse farm because he's a farmer who loves to ride horsseeahbblahblahhhh their date is as boring as he is. He has the vocal fry of Kourtney Kardashian and it takes him forever to get out the few words he knows.

After horseback riding they skeet shoot because remember that he's a farmer?! I feel like Luke is probably very anti gun control & that his family is very pro Trump.Watching this date it's like watching a boring Nicholas Sparks movie and makes me envious of the old lady in The Notebook because I want to forget everything that I've seen on this fucking show.

Also out of all the times it would have actually made sense to rap this episode why wouldn't the producers have them do it during the skeet shooting? AH SKEET SKEET SKEET!

It's Pro Flowers Rose Ceremony & Blow Out finally decides to put the 3 legged rescue dog down. As she walks him out she's sobbing & telling him "You made me such a better person"

How? I guess he did help you get better at fake smiling at terrible musical performances. He's now crying (barf) & saying how he will always care for her & that she deserves the best possible life. He tells her how she is the most beautiful girl in the world & how happy he is just to know her.

He really is Forrest Gump talking to Jennaayyyyy.

They better make Blow Out wear 7 gowns an episode next week because her fashion is the only good thing about this show. How much longer can we live like this!?!? And what's worse is one of these guys is going to be the next Bachelor!

Kittens, tell me what you think in the comments-

Who would you want as the Bachelor next season? I'm voting for the horse!

I love you for reading!

XOXO

A

Housewives, Birth Control & Psychics

New podcast episode is up & we give our review of all the Real Housewives cities,relive old RHOA highlights, old school birth control methods, psychics & my mom's disastrous attempt at a mic drop. Listen now on Sound Cloud or iTunes & make sure to subscribe!

I love you for listening!

XOXO

A.

https://soundcloud.com/user-62623258/episode-2-adderall-and-compliments