the bachelorette

the bachelorette

Fantasy Suite Jesus when is this Over!?

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We open back up on last weeks cliffhanger of Jojo aka Brunette Isla Fischer planning to send Non Blinking Luke home but right before the Pro Flowers rose ceremony he pulls her outside & tells her that he loves her. After this new revelation from the producers Luke, Blow Out squats in her electric blue sequin gown hyperventilating.

"What if I'm making a mistake & I'm saying goodbye to him too soon?"

Calm down, you're not having to choose whether or not to pull the plug on your grandfather, you're just having to decide which guy is out of the running to be with you on the cover of US Weekly.

We're still in the Casablanca meets Men's Warehouse commercial airplane hangar. I'm hoping Robby the former competitive swimmer/current homosexual is looking at the planes & considering a job as a male flight attendant. I think he would be perfect except for the part that requires working.

Blow Out walks back in & the roses are on an old, weathered suitcase like it's a prop piece from Raiders of the Lost Arc. I'm sure after the ceremony Robby will enquire what antique shop they bought it from.

Aaron Rodgers' brother gets the first rose-obviously. He's gotten the first rose since episode 1, that's not a sign at all.....

It comes down between Chase the Mongoloid & Luke the Non Blinker. They're very similar, both have the facial expressions of a wall & both talk like they have saran wrap covering their mouths.

She decides to give the final rose to the human Ambient pill Chase & you can almost hear every woman in middle America gasp.

Luke who looks like a real life Dragon Ball Z character is shocked. Now there's absolutely no chance of his eyes ever closing. Blow Out is "crying"even though we don't see any runny mascara,streaked foundation or even fluid coming out of her eyes.

Non Blinker's vocal fry is tuned up 100 notches now "This isn't supposed to happennn, this shouldn'tttt be happening right nowwwww"

Even though he never blinked once this whole season he still never saw this coming. Which is pretty amazing being that his eyes look in two different directions at once.

NB- Youuu didn't want me anymorreeee

BO-No it's not that at all!

Actually that's exactly what it is.

The rejection limo pulls up & they cling to each other like velcro.

Blow Out (still tearless) wailes "I'm going to miss you!!! I miss you already! I don't want this to happen I know it has to but I don't want this to be happening right now I'm not ready to say goodbye to you"

She sounds like every mother dropping their kid off at college.

NB- “I just can’t believe that I like, squandered it away. Like I had no clue I was doing that… I thought that like when I kissed you, I thought that when I looked in your eyes, I thought the times we had, like that magic, was real.”

Blow Out- “It was real.”

You can almost hear the clicks of Nicholas Sparks' keyboard as he types this scene word for word into his new screenplay.

I was really hoping for Non Blinker to say "I don't know how to quit you!"before he got into the long,black, mechanical horse. I feel like it was a missed opportunity.

Blow Out- between gasps for air "I'm just trying to follow my gut!"

Your gut wasn't telling you to dump Luke, that was the producers! What your gut IS telling you is

"FEEEED ME! I'm starving! I've been living off champagne & men's saliva for the past 8 weeks! Feed meeeee!!!!"

I like to imagine her gut's voice sounds just like the plant from Little Shop of Horrors.

She is gown squatting again looking like Miss USA doing a Rain Man impression.She just keeps repeating the same sentence over & over "what if that was a mistake?...What if that was a mistake? What did I.....What if that was a mistake?!"

Um, it was more of a mistake making out with Evelyn the boner specialist on camera.

We have the loser limo cam confessional of Dead Eyes & he says what I imagine is a Pinterest quote you would see on one of those black & white beach pictures.

"I was in love with her, but I never got the chance TO love her"

I was waiting for him to follow it with" And what hurts the most, was being so close,and having so much to say and watching her walk away..."

Women from all the flyover states, please don't be sad. This is just the beginning for him. Think of how many Farmers Only.com commercials he's going to book from this! If he doesn't get chosen as the next Bachelor, I guarantee the CMT channel is going to scoop him up & give him his own dating show called "Luke-ing for Love"

It's pretty amazing that in just one  commercial break she goes from saying that "her heart is broken" to yelling "I'm in beautiful Thailand!!!!.

The producers REALLY want to get the point across that she still has to choose between 3 men so for the next 5 minutes we have "pondering" shots.

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We see her look out over 8 different window balconies, pondering. We see her walking along the beach in a bikini, pondering. We see her touch random, public statues while pondering. I can't even count the number of times I've had to make a polygamy decision & what I've found always helps me is walking around aimlessly while touching public statues in 100 degree heat.

What she should be pondering about is how she has probably contracted MRSA by all the random shit she's touched in a foreign country. Howie Mandel would be vomiting if he were watching this.

I feel like I'm in Stings house because 15 minutes into the show & we have already seen 100 Buddha statues.

She says in her confessional "I just can't wait to meet the locals and be with them & experience their culture!" Oh yeah Jojo! I'm sure you're gonna have a big kiki with the locals of a town where everyone is living under the poverty level. You're not Angelina Jolie.

Implants really wants to "experience the culture" & she's in luck! Because she's staying at the very exotic Marriott resort! How culturally authentic!

This is already my favorite episode of the whole season because it has monkeys!

(In case you don't know my career goal in life's just to be famous enough to be a guest on the Wendy Williams Show & to own a monkey, so I really need you guys to spread this blog like herpes k?)

First date we have is former swimmer/current homosexual Robby. They meet in the local farmers market, but instead of organic fruit & flower arrangements this market sells octopus heads & malaria nets.

He decides to do his best Jerry Seinfeld impression & greets her with the opening line of "And you thought FLORIDA was hot!!" .....

Well, we can add "comedian" to his list of failed careers.

Blow Out of course laughs like he's the white Chris Rock. They talk about the weather for most of the date like they're two retirees in Boca Raton. They go through the market as the locals in the background look on in confusion. I'm pretty sure the locals think they're shooting another Hangover sequel & are confused as to why Bradley Cooper looks so bad.

They keep talking about how hot it is which is weird because neither of their hair styles have changed. You would assume the humidity & 95 degree weather would make all of his hair gel melt down his body, which I'm sure wouldn't really bother him. He looks like he's very comfortable having sticky substances all over his face & chest, but the hair stays exactly in place. Proving more & more that he's a Ken Doll.

Blow Out's hair also stays perfect. How does her hair still look like she just walked out of a Dry Bar? It should look like Monica's from the Friends episode where they all went to the Bahamas.

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It starts pouring rain as they are in a hut getting foot massages.He keeps telling her how much he loves her & that she has NOTHING to worry about regarding his ex girlfriend and the timeline of their breakup & him applying for the show. Right after he says that we hear a loud crack of thunder because even God is laughing at what this over the hill twink is saying.

They kiss and he looks completely normal. He doesn't look like a stalker ex boyfriend in a Lifetime Logo movie at all!...

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It's now time for the no eating dinner date. Can I note that during every single dinner date this whole season, Jojo & the contesticle walk up to the table & say the same thing

"Oh wow! Look at this, this is incredible!"

It's the same setup in literally every city you've been in! They put a ridiculously small circular table with a white table-cloth on it and a minimum of 9 useless candles. We always have two heaping plates of food that will never be touched. This show could single-handedly end world hunger just by donating all these date meals.

I will give credit to Implants, she knows how to fish for a compliment.

"So you told your family that you're in love with me? (beaming) What did they say about me?"

They said that you're beautiful,sweet & that you have the conversation skills and personality  of a polite child.  Oh never mind, that's just what I say about you.

He tells her "They all said that you were absolutely gorgeous & amazing! And each person in my family told me that they could totally see me & you, side by side together forever"

Um, maybe not side by side. But I could see you standing behind her chair with a curling iron in one hand & a Beauty Blender in the other.

Closeted Ken Doll then pulls one of the cheesiest & creepiest props the producers have ever come up with. He pulls out a folded piece of paper. He gets very serious & says

"I was getting changed for bed and I found this in the back pocket of my jeans, it's a letter my dad snuck in there & I had no idea"

I get an older man touching your ass is not a new sensation for you, but your jeans are spray painted on you. Your dad would have had to use the jaws of life to get that back pocket open.

And since that didn't happen, the producers gave you a legal pad & 3 minutes to scribble a note from your "Dad". It's like when you would forge your parents signature on a permission slip to go on a field trip, but this time it's a permission slip to get into the Fantasy Suite.

The forged letter reads

"Robby, I can tell you really love Jojo. Do not get down about all this negativity surrounding your past relationship. Stick to your plan and everything will work out. You are the man. I love you, Dad"

If that letter was really written by his dad it would have just said "I wish Michael Phelps had been my son instead of you"

Ken Doll says  "I want you to keep that note, just in case you ever have any doubts or concerns about my feelings about you or the timeframe in which I was able to develop those, you can find comfort by looking at it anytime you need reassurance"

That's right girls! If you ever have any doubts about the guy you're dating being a fuck boy (or a boy who likes to fuck other boys) just read a note from his parents because they won't be biased at all!

She gives him the Fantasy Suite card because she wants to get back inside a room with air conditioning.

The "Fantasy Suite" is just a regular Marriott double suite with the same terrible hotel room artwork, the only difference is I don't see a TV! This isn't a fantasy, it's a nightmare.

I didn't think this could get worse, then he opens his mouth.

"Now I don’t have to dream about Jojo anymore. I get to dream with Jojo! I get to lay next to her, tell her goodnight & kiss her goodnight!"

Kissing & dreaming, because that's what every straight guy wants to do in bed with a girl they've been dating for 8 weeks & have only gotten to first base with!

They shut the door, we see the lights turn off & the producers zoom in on the "do not disturb"sign on the door. DO YOU GET IT ABC AUDIENCE !?!?!? They're in the "Fantasy Suite" with the lights off! They have a "Do not disturb" sign on the door that we zoomed in on! Do you get it? But do you guys get it?

After stock images of the moon & a romantic unlicensed song that ABC didn't have to pay for we have the "morning after" scene.

I'm sure Ken Doll woke up & went to the bathroom to put on concealer & fix his hair before getting back into bed before JoJo woke up.

They are having no eating breakfast in bed as production has put an entire fruit bar station at the bottom of the comforter. Why don't you give those plates of food to the monkeys? Or the locals? There is plenty of fruit in the bed already.

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Whichever intern was in charge of set design for  "morning after fake sex" decided to put Blow Out's heels on the nightstand. You know girls, how we always put our shoes on the table closet to where we sleep? Especially the shoes we've been wearing while walking outside in a 3rd world country?

You know they didn't have sex because their aren't spray tan stains on the sheets or makeup face prints on the pillows from either of them!

Like a hooker that's working tipple shifts, she has to get dressed & get ready to head off to her next date or her pimp Chris Harrison will slap her with his well manicured hand.

As she's getting ready Closeted Ken Dolls voiceover is

"I want to be the guy who is late to work bc he doesn't want to leave her in the morning & be the guy who leaves work early to rush back home to her"

So basically you don't ever want to have to be at work? Well good news Robby you can't be "late" to being a former swimmer.

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As she walks out of the 2.5 star hotel he goes out on his balcony & just watches her. Barf. She awkwardly says "Ok...I'll see you later!" ya know after I sleep with the 2 other guys.

He purrs over the balcony

"Sooner rather than later, por favor?"

I didn't realize they spoke spanish in Thailand. If so, how do you say "jump off your balcony" ?

She goes back to her suite to shower off the second-hand stink of Axe body spray & get ready for the guy she's thought about having sex with since he first got out of the limo. It's time for the one with the famous brother that hates him!

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They meet on the beach & after they kiss Notebook style she excitedly tells him "I planned a hike!"

Oh no. I would eliminate myself right there.

Aaron Rodger's brother doesn't seem pleased about the date activity & whines after only hiking up 4 steps. C'mon Jordan! At least this gets you in shape for when you go to training campooohhhh wait. Never mind.

They hike up a trail that has even more steps than Jordan's grooming routine.They go into a cave & I'm praying we have a reenactment of the scene from Ace Ventura when Nature Calls where Jim Carey goes into the bat cave.

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The cave looks like they're going into Bruce Waynes underground layer. Blow Out says that she has to cover her shoulders now because there is a temple in the cave & quote

"Temples are sacred in this country"

Unlike temples everywhere else in the world....

I think it's ironic that she has to cover her shoulders but her Daisy Duke ass cheek shorts are fine.

***Not hating-if I had Jojo's body I'd be naked, I wouldn't care if I was in a regular cave temple or competing in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Fuck no I'm not going to wear that Red Jaguar t-shirt & dumb ass helmet, I'm not wearing anything but my mic pack! I want that creepy Olmec wall statue to see all of this body! Give the helmet to someone who needs it-like Chase.***

They sit down on the rock that looks like the one in that 147 hours movie & just talk about how much they hate that they're in a temple and can't make out & dry hump each other like all their other dates. No spelunking in the cave, you have to wait till the fantasy suite.

To distract himself from how blue his balls are getting, Jordan asks her about her family. Now this is what gets me sexually excited! I've been waiting for them to bring up her drunk,overly botoxed mom & psycho brothers all season! FINALLY!

Jo Bro- What's your family like?

Well, all of her family still talks to one another so they're totally different from yours.

Jordan stop pretending that you didn't watch last season! You know her family gave us the best GIF that will ever come out of this stupid franchise!

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She tells him that her mom is "Really fun" & that her brothers are "very protective". Two of the bigger understatements in history. Her mom gave us the best Real Housewife of Texas audition tape I've ever seen while her brothers acted like they were from the Secret Service fraternity branch.

Jordan says how he has always wanted to be able to "look his future wife's dad in the eye & have him know I'm going to take care of his daughter"

Don't worry, I'm sure after meeting you her dad will know that you'll take care of his daughter(& her schedule of staged paparazzi pictures.)

At the waste of a dinner date Blow Out says that they haven't talked about what the future will look like. I'm hoping she's going to reveal that she's a doomsday prepper !

BO-What does the future look like for you?

Jimmy Newtron- uuummm......tough question to answer.

BO- that makes me nervous with your lifestyle & I don't want a long distance relationship

Jimmy Newtron-I don't have a home base right now

The benefits of being unemployed are that you can do it almost anywhere!

BO-its not like we're dating & can figure this out, the worst thing could happen is spending your life with someone & realizing your lifestyles don't work together!

Um that's what divorce & cheating are for.

Blow Out starts asking him a bunch of "How do I know" questions

"How do I know that you'll want this forever with me? How do I know that you're not going to get scared & want to leave?"

She basically just says a bunch of lyrics that were cut out of Whitney Houston's song "How do I know"

Jimmy Newtron-I'm a better person when I'm with you

*They make out over the untouched tuna steaks*

Why does every guy tell her that "She makes them a better person"? How shitty of a person were they before that THIS is the best version of them?

Blow Out obviously gives him the Fantasy Suite card which she was ready to give him the first night he got out of the limo.

They get in their Fantasy Marriott Double Suite & it's much nicer than the one her & Robby pretended to have sex in. Uh Oh.

The next morning we see them in bed (after hair & makeup has spent an hour with each of them.)

Jimmy Newtron confessional

"That's exactly what we needed. We were able to take a really exciting step in our relationship"

Anal?

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-Blow Out is giving us "Regina George walk of shame" realness in an army print dress & flip flops number! Also how small is this Marriot that every date see's her walking around from their room?-

She's off to her last date with the least amount of brain cells-Mongoloid. Blow Out is wearing white Daisy Duke shorts & walking like she has a diaper rash, or maybe it's just a UTI from last night with Jimmy Newtron. Either way in 100 heat how are you not chaffing?!

I was waiting for Mongoloid to ask her "We're in Thailand, but no one is wearing ties!"

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He says it smells like fish (Robby's most hated smell.) He goes over to a bucket picks up a dead fish & kisses it. Now he knows what it feels like for Jojo when she has to kiss him. He seems really entertained by the fish & I think it's because it reminds him of his favorite book "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish".

Blow Out says how much she loves that he makes her feel "special"; I assume she means like a special ed teacher.

Mongoloid points out a monkey "Hi monkey! Are you sweating? I'm sweating!"

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More monkeys! Less of everyone else!

BO-Monkeys are like humans!

Well, not the human you're sitting next to, monkey's are intelligent & can solve puzzles.

Their date is just sitting on the beach. All of the dates in Thailand have been free-walking around a market, hiking & now sitting on a beach. I guess maybe it's to get her used to what her future will be like dating a man who is unemployed.

They go back to their rooms to change clothes & mic packs. She is back on her balcony just staring over the ledge. If I saw my neighbor be on her balcony that much I would think she was suicidal.

Guess who shows up unannounced & unwanted ? You guessed it!

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He's like herpes or glitter, every time you think it's gone it comes back.

She tells him she's still on a date (which I assume is why he showed up, hoping to get a glimpse of Jimmy Newtron or Mongoloid in post coitus shower)

He tells her "I'm ready for us, I'm so ready to get down on one knee! Country clubs & coloring cooks" 

Is that a common saying? He does look like the stereotypical white country club, rich dick. I mean, they do both have all day to spend doing adult coloring books because neither of them have jobs.

It's now no eating dinner date with Mongoloid, they talk about politics & an exit strategy for the Middle East.

She gives him the date card to read & I'm just so proud he was able to pronounce every word! Gold star for you Chase!

They go into the Fantasy Marriott Double Suite & Mongoloid tells her

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“I want to say that I’m 100% in love with you. It’s wild because I’ve never told anyone that first. And I know that burden that sentence and that phrase carries. I’m ready to carry that for you.”

Blow Out- Thank you for telling me that.

Uh oh.

In her confessional she says how she's wanted to hear him say that for so long, but after hearing it she's not as excited as she should be & she doesn't feel the same way.

She's looking at him the way you look at your Uber driver when they try to talk to you. He keeps trying to mumble on about his feelings as a child of divorce blaahhalablalla

She cuts him off "Can you wait here for a minute?"

He dopey says "Sure! I'll be here!"

I think he thinks she's leaving to get a condom, when actually she's literally trying to escape the room as fast as she can. She looked like she was about to pull a Coolaid Man move & just run through the wall. She finally finds an exit through a sliding glass door & goes & hides in the Marriot Court Yard garden. When your date would rather hang out in a hotel pathway that's not a good sign.

She waits outside & I think she's just hoping he'll put on Yo Gabba Gabba on the TV & she can sneak off back to Jimmy Newtron.

She finally goes back in and breaks the news.

“When you said that to me, like in my heart and in my gut, I don’t think I felt what I thought I was gonna feel. And I don’t know if I’m in the same place as you. I just don't think-"

He snaps "I get the point. I just threw myself out there. I just jumped over a hurdle that I’ve never done before, and now I’m skewered. Now I’m shattered. I mean, what do you want me to say? You didn't give it a chance"

I assume by "it" he means his dick.

She keeps saying she's sick to her stomach, but I think it's just the effects of her plan B pill.

She says how she really wanted to be able to love him & see a future with him but she just couldn't. He's crying & trying to get away as she claws on to him so she can keep explaining all the reasons she's NOT in love with him. I keep waiting for him to say

"I may be a simple man Jennaayyy, but I know what love is"

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He grabs a beer & get's into the reject bus " “Oh, is this my fantasy suite? That sucked. I get a fantasy suite card and then I get sent home. That’s like pull your pants down and kick me in the nuts. I said, ‘I love you.’ I should never have said that "

I like THIS Chase. Where was this version of him all season?

It's now the Pro Flower Rose ceremony which  is not needed because there are only two fame seekers left but ok producers let's fill the last 25 minutes. The unemployment line stands there confused where the special one is & Blow Out tells her that she sent him home.

Magically at the same time she's saying this Mongoloid shows up! As he's pushed down the stairs by producers. WHAT A TWIST!!!!!

Mongoloid asks to speak with her so they go off and the Hair gel twins just stand there, sweaty & annoyed.

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Ken Doll snaps "So people get sent home & just come back from the dead"

I mean chase does have the charisma of a zombie so I guess he's right?

Mongoloid & Implants sit on a bench (if anyones keeping count this is the 294th bench scene this season.) He tells her he wishes the best for her, he loves her, he'll always be there if she changes her mind blahblahablah more sweet, sad, rescue puppy stuff.

As he leaves, a monkey follows behind him. It looks just like the evolutionary chart but in reverse.

Blow Out is back to crying. For someone whose a size zero & has men begging to be with her she cries more than I do. She wailes "Why is falling in love so hard?!?"

Well, you're having a hard time figuring out which of the two guys you love more so it seems falling in love isn't that big of a problem. She's loved more guys in one season than I have 27 years on Earth.

She gives the first rose to Jimmy Newtron, because why switch it up now? I don't see why she just didn't have them both race up to the table at the same time but whatever.

Former Swimmer/Current homosexual gets his rose & says "I'm just so excited to meet your parents & your brothers! "

I'm sure you're VERY excited to meet the brothers. All three stand there & have a toast of champagne. Yay! Cheers to all sharing DNA!

She made a huge mistake not giving both roses to that monkey.

Well Kitten's, there's just one more episode till Jojo announces she's going to be on Dancing with the Stars!

I love you for reading!!!

XOXO

A.

**Sorry for the delay my screen had to be prepared by the real life Big Bang Theory cast at the Apple Genius Bar**

the bachelorette

Amber Alert for Aaron Rodgers

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"Have you been wondering where all the contesticles got their terrible personalities from? No? Well we're going to show you anyway in an agonizingly long 2 hours!"

Our first trip is to Colorado to visit the human ambient pill Chase. Blow Out & Mongoloid sit on a jagged cliff in front of what I assume is a green screen because the backdrop looks like a screen saver. The reason I think it's fake (besides the fact that everything on this show is) is because due to global warming the snow would have already melted by the time Mongoloid was finished mumbling his sob story of his parents being divorced. He keeps talking about his parents being divorced as if they're both in prison for manslaughter. I guess we now have to be subjected to not just one but two boring home visits because his parents can't even put on a united front for weddings,graduations or national television.

"The divorce was REALLY bad....lawsuits & stuff"

Well at least neither of your parents had to fight over who got custody of your personality.

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They go to Mongoloids house & see his staircase. He has clearly fallen down those stairs many times which explains his apparent brain damage. Blow Out keeps saying "This house is nice!" I guess she IS funny!

The doorbell rings & he mumbles "It's my dad...I haven't seen him in a really long time...ok"

WHAT?! If you don't even see your dad why the fuck do we have to?!? ughughughgugh. I guess producers knew that since they don't have some bullshit outside activity set up like dog sledding or snow boarding to distract us from their lack of connection we need to bring in reinforcements. Mongoloids dad didn't even want to be around him & I don't blame him.

His dad arrives & they hug each other as if they both have terrible sunburns all over their bodies. They all sit down on the Ashley furniture couch & Mongoloid decides to use this time to confront his dad about leaving the family. I guess those SciFy movies are true, robots WILL  turn on the person who created them.

Why have this conversation with a family therapist when you can have it in front of the girl you have been fake dating for five weeks, ten producers, five camera operators & the boom mic operator!? At least if your dad tries to abandon you (again) during this discussion the camera crew can run after him like on Cops or How to catch a Predator!

Mongoloid is like that terrible Eddie Murphy movie 1000 words so I guess the reason he hasn't talked all season if he was saving all his words up for this.

Quote "I m just having a hard time figuring out why it hasn't worked..why did not.....your first marriage work out?"

Aaaww sweetie, you don't have to say "you're having a hard time figuring out" I think that's already implied...

I know you're as dumb as your stairs look, but do you really not get that 50% of marriages end in divorce?  His dad seems nice & this scene is like watching if two robots were on Iyanlah Fix My Life.

My body feels like I drank a gallon of NyQuil. They should have a disclaimer before Mongoloid's scenes that you should not drive or operate heavy machinery after viewing.

We now have to go visit his mom & his sister-who apparently couldn't be bothered to wash her hair or put on mascara before going on national television. Mongoloid & his sister talk about how the divorce really affected their childhood & now it makes it difficult for them to have normal relationships. They talk about their childhood like it was the inspiration for the movie "ROOM". Get the fuck over it, if Jaycee Dugard can move on so can you.

Blow Out & his mom go outside & sit on a broken ski lift. The ski lift has the best personality out of the whole family. Blow Out gets in her Uber Black to go visit a family rift we ACTUALLY care about.

We go to Chico California which would be much more interesting if it were Chino California where Ryan Atwood is from. They have Blow Out do her confessional in a bush in the forest as five deer go running by. That is by far & away the most exciting thing to happen this season. I wish we could see how many interns they made go run through the forrest trying to chase deer into running in the right direction for camera.

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It's a hometown visit so where do you think he brings her? His highschool of course! Cue the song Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen. They walk up to the school & on the sign outside it says "Welcome  Jordan & Jojo"

She squeals "OMG! This is AMAZING! I can't believe you did this!"

Calm down, that sign was just flashing the Teacher of the Month two seconds earlier. We meet his coach & Jimmy Newtron passive aggressively says "he decided he didn't want to start me!" oh so it wasn't just the NFL coaches! It's a shame he's way to vain to cover up his face & hair in a mascot costume because with his height & desperation to be part of a team I think he would have been great at it.

They go into the school library & he pushes her up again the history books session & dry humps her. This is the closest he's cum to reading a book in a long time...

They go into a janitors closet I mean an "office" that the interns had to transform with wall to wall photos of sweaty young football players from ten years ago. Even Jerry Sandusky didn't have this many pictures in his office.

Jimmy Newtron says "I bet you wont be able to find me in all these pictures!" Literally 2 seconds later Blow Out points & goes "Is that Aaron?" wow! She's amazing at Where's Waldo Where's Olivia Munn's Boyfriend?

He asks her "Do you want to see the football field?" aka  "Do you want to see where I had the most success of my whole life?"

Well we do know that high school quarterback who peaked in high school IS her type!

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As they sit on the dirty bleachers in her white jeans she asks "I know your brother AARON isn't a part of your life right now, so is it weird to talk about? Should I not bring it up as a topic?"

He answers "Yeah, no, it doesn't have to be brought up or a topic, yeah I'll tell them we discussed it briefly, so it's not a topic, ya know?"

No, we actually don't know because you gave us three different answers.

They walk up to the house compound which has a fountain in the driveway big enough for the entire cast of Friends to dance in. She is holding a much more expensive flower bouquet than the one she brought to Mongoloid's mom which looked like they gave a PA a flower budget of $12. Jimmy Newtron is carrying a small gift bag, is it normal to bring your mom a  hostess gift? I wish they would show what's in it, I'm sure it's a bunch of discount items from the ABC store. Congratulations Rodgers' family! You're now the owners of a brand new Blackish coffee mug!

Blow Out's confessional - "I know Aaron won't be here, but I'm excited to meet the other brother luke & the other family!" Sure you are.

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Luke the brother no one cares about

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His dad looks like he's using one of those weird snapchat filters, that or his dad is Jeff Daniels who got his head smashed in an elevator.  The brother Luke looks like Jimmy Newtron's "before" picture if they were in a Hydroxicut commercial. It's insane how all the men in the family look-alike, just in different stages of life. The dad is a terrifying Frankensteintrout ghost of christmas future.

The mom tells a delightful story over dinner "Jordan used to always try to run away, but we told him if he did we would call the police so instead he would just stand at the border of the property with his backpack glaring at us!"

There are two giant empty chairs at the head of the table, I wonder who those could be for?!?!

Blow Out goes to talk to Luke the Joey Fatone of the Rodgers family. She decides to bring up Aaron for the 17th time in this episode. Luke looks more uncomfortable than Mongoloid's dad. "We don't really discuss him" not taking no for an answer or missing out on the chance to meet Olivia Munn she continues with the forbidden subject.

"I can't imagine what it's like for you & the family to have this divide. I mean Aaron...that's your brother! That's Jordan's brother, that's your parent's son!'

Blow Out has a future working for Ancestory.com!

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Aaron is even blurred out of the family pictures, he is so far estranged that he apparently won't even sign ABC's photo release to show his likeness on camera! But we do get to see Jimmy Newtron's picture that makes him look like the team rapist.

I'm so curious about the skeletons in this family's closet. A son who constantly tried to run away from home & a son who won't come home at all means they are a three-part Dr. Phil episode waiting to happen.

Before she leaves for the airport Jimmy Newtron makes out with her & whispers "Don't ever doubt this"

*This-My desire to be the next Bachelor

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Now we visit former swimmer/current homosexual Robby in St Augustine, Florida. Ken Doll is in his signature salmon.

He tells her "I have a hard time whistling so can you do it for me?" Oh c'mon Robby you whistle, just pretend you're in the audience at a Chippendales show!

She whistles & we see a horse carriage come around the corner. We've had more horse scenes than hot tub scenes this season!

He asks the driver of the horse carriage "Our carriage drivers name is Robert, is that you?"

Apparently horse carriages are the Ubers of St. Augustine you want to make sure you get in the right one. Gay Ken Doll says "Wow I can't believe your names Robert too, we're the same!"

No, this Robert has a job.

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They start the carriage tour & Gay Will Forte gives boring facts about the town but unfortunately not one about why there are people dressed in full pirate costumes walking the streets. Blow Out keeps saying how impressed she is with how well he knows the town. I agree, I bet he knows all the best glory holes & tanning salons in town!

They go to his home & she is carrying a bouquet that I'm sure Robby arranged himself. He is carrying 6 gift bags like he just came from a Mary Kay party. This is the first family visit in the show where it appears everyone is still on speaking terms with each other.

Blow Out & his mom sit on the bed with their shoes on (barf) & his mom mentions how close Robby & her are and that they tell each other everything. A gay man being close with his mom? Shocking. Blow Out tells the mom that she's falling in love with Robby "I wasn't sure at the start of the date but after the ride & meeting you now I'm sure" you changed your mind after 3 hours of Florida humidity? You're as insane as Alex the toy soldier!

The mom then goes & talks to her hair dresser son & tells him "There's an issue out in the world"

Hunger? Poverty? Donald Trump?

No, something MUCH worse.

"Your ex girlfriends roommate made it look like you broke up with her to go on the show"

His response "In person or on-line?"

Yes Robby, she's doing it in person. She's been standing in the town square shouting it at the top of her lungs!

His face is now the same salmon color as his shirt. I can't tell if it's because he's angry or if it's because he forgot to wear his SPF tinted moisturizer on the carriage date. He decides to go tell Blow Out right away who is still sitting on the bed with her shoes on (barf.)

He tells her what's going on & she begs him to tell her the truth. "You broke up with your girlfriend of 4 years 3 months ago, is that the same time you found out you were going to be on the show?"

He responds with "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! That's not it, no!"

The more you say the word "no" the more it's a clear "yes".

She tells him how this terrifies her that he could be here even though he's not over his ex from 3 months ago because she's so CLEARLY over Ben who broke up with her 3 months ago.

Her car is here for the airport, it's raining as he walks her out with an umbrella so he doesn't mess up his spray tan. She gets in the car & he leaves the umbrella right in the street, you know like how you always leave your umbrella!

We now go to Texas to visit Luke the non blinker. We have shots of him walking on a train track & various shots of him leaning against a wall with a "pensive" look. Like Mongoloid & Zoolander, he only has one look.

He greets Blow Out & it looks like a hollywood set of an abandoned western town, there are no cars or people.They of course go sit on a bench, jesus they've sat on more benches this season than I have my whole life. I thought public benches were for the homeless & for at risk youth to graffiti?

She's wearing a stereotypical "hot girl trying to look country as a last-minute Halloween costume" with white cut off shorts,a chambray shirt that also buttons up the back for some reason, and cowboy boots. She didn't even wear cowboy boots when she was on the horseback riding date!

Non Blinker drives her around in his giant pickup truck & I'm sure production had to cover the picture of Calvin peeing on a picture of Bin Laden.They drive down a dirt road & she sees a bunch of cars parked in  field "Why are their so many cars?" a better question would be "why do half these truck have nuts hanging from them?"

The reason there are so many cars is because he turned meeting his family into a hootenanny. There are 50 people there, so basically everyone who lives in the town which explains why the general store was closed. Half the crowd looks like they all made their shirts from the same picnic blanket.  As Blow Out is stuck with the crowd of chewing tobacco Non Blinker & his dad go sit on the porch in rocking chairs like they're sitting outside of Cracker Barrel & talk about how much he likes staring at Blow Out.His dad seems nice even though I'm sure we disagree on basically every issue.

As they sit at the table & talk about how great barbecue is which its clear Blow Out must have eaten a lot of it as her lipstick is perfectly in tact & the white shorts are still spotless. Non Blinker announces he has a surprise for her.

You can see on her face she's thinking "Is it Aaron Rodgers?! Please be Aaron Rodgers!"

Non Blinker & her go walk in the pasture & what a surprise! There just happens to be a perfectly constructed couch made from hay bails & decorated with lantern like it's the set of a Lady Antebellum music video. They sit & make out as the sun sets perfectly behind them. It's like the Lifetime channel's version of a Nicholas Sparks movie, normally Luke just looks like the guy who would play the stalker ex boyfriend in a Lifetime movie.

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They spend the entire date with their faces an inch apart.He then takes her to a pathway of  mason jars leading to a giant heart made out of wild flowers-nicely done interns! Hearts are so hard to make even!

They stand in the middle & make out as a country song plays, thankfully it wasn't a James Taylor Rescue Puppy original. He tells her "You make my heart smile" Clearly Luke takes his lines from Matthew McConaughey. You can almost hear every woman in middle America's ovaries exploding.

Me? I'm more focused on Jojo's hair which after all these outside dates in sweltering heat & it never frizzing or falling once I'm now thinking is a wig. This whole hometown visit looked like it should have been on the CMT channel.

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We now go the Pro Flowers rose ceremony that's being held in a plane hanger because Chris Harrison doesn't want to waste time having to drive from the airport to set for his contractional 5 minutes of work so he demanded that they just do it there.

It looks like a Mens Warehouse commercial meets  Oceans 11.We see a private plane waiting to whisk the final 3 off & I'm really hoping that Jake Pavelka is the pilot. The red carpet they have set up is longer than the relationship all last.

Blow Out is wearing an amazing electric blue gown that looks like she's going to the Emmys. She clearly was hoping she would get to wear it to the Espy's cough cough.She says in a confessional "I think I have to get rid of Luke" seriously? HOW the fuck is Mongoloid still there? Did he promise you a lifetime supply of Xanax bars?

Right before she starts the elimination  the producers give him the cue & Non Blinker says "Can I tallllk to youuuu for a secondddd"

She says "Sure!" like this is normal procedure. They walk down the ridiculously long red carpet out of the plane hanger & the guys all sit there blankly staring. Jimmy Newtron is annoyed, Mongoloid is too busy thinking of what sound an airplane makes & Robby is too busy picturing a Broke Back Mountain situation with Luke.

Outside Non Blinker says in full Kardashian vocal fry "Listen when you were visiting my familyyyy.. I didn't tell youuuuu what I should have told youuu..... and after you left i couldn't stop thinking about it....I should have told you that I love you but I didn't have timeeee"

Yeah instead you were too busy debating your family over bbq. It also takes you 5 minutes to say one sentence. He does a longer pause between each word than Maury reading paternity results. He then goes back in line as the guys just stare right ahead like they're at a urinal.

Outside the plane hanger Blow Out is crying without any tears & pacing back and forth in the gown so fast that she must still be wearing the cowboy boots under the dress.

She just starts frantically talking out loud "What do I do..... I don' understand why he did this now.....I can't make this decision....I can't breathe.....I can't do this!"

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She then squats down in the gown like she's peeing because she doesn't want to have to pass the guys in order to get to the plane hanger restroom . We then see "too be continued" flash across the screen.

NO! God fucking dammit! How much longer can this go on! How the fuck did we have to see these hometown visits & we STILL haven't seen Jojo's crazy brothers & her wino mom?

We've seen them as much as we've seen Aaron!

The best part of this episode-Blow Out's gown

The worst part of this episode-the other 118 minutes

Next week there are 2 episodes (fuck me) and one is the Men Yell All episode so at least we get The Chad back!

I love you for reading my Kittens!

XO

A.

the bachelorette

I want to gaucho my eyes out

We open up with the contesticles all sitting in the hotel room talking about last nights rose ceremony & of course instead of being happy that he's even still there Lord Farquad Alex is more upset that Rescue Puppy James Taylor got to stay. "I just DON'T understand how I was in the bottom two, last night really upset me"

You're upset by something?! Wow what a twist! There is nothing this season that he HASN'T complained about, he's such a Debbie Downer Angry Alex. Also you're very used to being at the bottom of everything.

He's also wearing a plaid hoodie, good to see Pac Sun has added a children's section! He whines about how he's never had a 1 on 1 & that "it's just unfair" wow I bet he was a BLAST to be in basic training with.

"I feel like I'm the black sheep" well you're the size of a sheep... Lamb Chop

The date card comes & it's for Angry Elf which is a shame because in two more minutes we were about see him go full on tantrum sitting on the floor screaming like when he's in the aisle of Toys R Us.

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Photo Credit- @Swainsch

Blow Out & Angry Elf get into the SUV for the date & I don't know about car safety laws in Argentina but here in America kids are required to be in a car seat. There is no child safety seat so instead he sits in the middle seat & gloms on to her. He looks like the little kid who is in love with his babysitter, he's so close to her that she's smashed up against the window like there's 2 other imaginary people also sitting in the back seat.

In Lord Farquads voice over he says "I'm here to give her everything but if she wants it she needs to show me that she wants it, she needs to give something back to me too"

Ugh. Alex is the guy who thinks every girl wants him, yes every girl does want you (to go away)

Meanwhile the producers make the other gonads go on a forced bromance adventure because they need B Roll. Instead of having them ride in a car the producers decide to make them ride in the Argentinian version of the Partridge family bus. Wow this is WHACKY! LOLOLOL

Chase should feel right at home, he's used to riding a short bus.

Blow Out says in a voiceover "Today's important because I'm seeing what a normal day with Alex is like" well it's JUST as terrible as you imagined.

Angry Elf also has a Rain Man type level obsession with grains. He keeps narrating every crop they drive by.

"Is that wheat?....... I think that's wheat-What is this... the wheat bowl of the country?!"

He pauses for laughter like what he just said was a joke. Blow Out does her best forced laugh & says "Can you just be normal?"

You're right! He's not being normal, because normally he's a whiny bitter asshole talking about another contestant instead of making autistic statements about grains.

In Blow Out's voiceover she says "I'm having a hard time connecting with him romantically at this point"

Is it because he's the size of Tyrion Lannister but with the personality of Lord Jeoffrey? Or is it because it feels like pedophilia?

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You know what will make this date better? Some prop comedy! He opens up the can of Pringles because once you pop the awkwardness don't stop! He puts the Pringle's in his mouth to make... duck lips! What? WOW! I think he's the first person I've ever seen do that! When this show is over he needs to go on Shark Tank because this kid is an inventor!

He then tries to kiss her with them as she deflects by jabbing a Pringle in to his face as a self-defense move. He's the first person I've seen be cock blocked by a chip.In his mind he's probably so confused "I don't get it, this bit killed on the playground last month)

As if your vagina isn't dry enough, we now we cut to the doofi on the bus-rapping. Yep, producers have the 4 whitest guys in America rapping.

They have to rap because I assume by now someone has finally smashed Rescue Puppy's guitar. The "free style" rap was clearly written for them by the interns right before they had to start filming.

"Go write a rap you have 5 minutes! Remember we have Luke & Chase on the bus so don't make any of the words more than 2 syllables! " This scene isn't just a treat for the ears but also the eyes!

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Not only do we have a freestyle rap that makes Macklemore look like Jay Z, we also have  James Taylor's giant tattoo that is so bad it looks like a giant stick on for 4th of July that you would get done at a booth at the fair.

Former swimmer/current homosexual Robby wore the HOTEL slippers out. The gonad bus says how much more fun Blow Out would be having with them & they keep repeating over & over "This is the FUN bus!"

Is Miss Frizzel the driver!?

Next we have what might be my favorite scene ever.Keeping with the producer enforced rap theme Lord Farquad does a scene right out of Malibu's Most Wanted,  but he's completely serious with absolutely no irony.

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LF: I can rap about anything! Give me a topic any topic & I'll rap about it!

Blow Out has the same facial expression as if someone just gave her the option of having to pick between a yeast infection or a UTI. She shuts her eyes tightly and flatly says

BO: OK... I guess..my name

and then he starts:

"YO YO-JoJo-gots to go-to the likko-stoe"

To add insult to ear injury he goes "See what I did there?!"

He is absolutely BEAMING with pride over his performance, in his mind he thinks he's B Rabbit from 8 Mile.

BO: (flatly) Yeah...I see what you did there

Yeah Alex, we ALL saw what you did there and we will never be able to un-see it. What's even more upsetting is the look on his face.

I thought all that time you spent on set filming Leprechaun Goes To the Hood would have rubbed off on you, apparently not.

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The car ride is now so silent you can almost hear the buzz of the mic packs. Lord Farquad is attached to Blow Out like he's her human seatbelt as she just stares out the window picturing having sex with Jordan.

They arrive at the horse farm with the real gauchos who all look like they should be on the front of Folders coffee. They have to change into riding clothes and Angry Elf is wearing gaucho clothes from the Paddington Bear collection. He looks like a baker/painter from a Disney movie. Blow Out is dressed like she's Alessandra Ambrosia going to lunch. She's in a white silk shirt, suede brown flares and heel booties. You know, what you typically wear for riding horses outside!

They start riding &  Angry Elf seems really comfortable on the horse, it must be from all his practice riding the 50 cent ones in front of the grocery store.

He keeps narrating out loud everything that's happening, quote :

"Wow we're outside in this field with cows"

"I'm with you right now on a horse, this is crazy!"

"My horse is following your horse, I think it's a sign!"

You don't have to tell her what's happening, she's not blind! Although after your rap abortion I'm sure she wishes that she were deaf.

AE: You look like a model from a Ralph Lauren magazine!

BO:Thanks.

Her responses are even shorter than he is, you can tell she's praying for his horse to pull a Sea Biscuit & take off with him.

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The gaucho then does a horse whispering performance by putting his hand over the horse's muzzle like he's chloroforming him as the horse lays down & is rolled on it's back. Now that the horse has been Cosby'd they lay down next to the horse's head & kiss over him. You can tell on the horses face that he would rather have been made into a glue stick than have to be a part of this.

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It's now nighttime & they go into an old farm-house to have the "deep conversation" part of the date which they don't even bother putting out a fake meal for because it would require setting up a high chair.

They sit on the couch & Angry Elf keeps talking about how excited he is to bring her home to his family & her monotone response is

"Who would I be meeting & is it going to be weird?"

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Are you saying you think it's weird his whole family lives in a tree that also doubles as their work place?

He then proceeds to tell her "I know I'm falling in love you. I need to make that clear, this is how I really feel & I'm not going to regret telling you this ever"

(wanna bet?)

"I fell in love with  you the minute  I saw you! This is just so amazing & it's so great that I'm the guy who gets to see you feeling the way I do now, it's nice just getting everything off my chest"

Blow Out looks like she would rather have her implants ripped out of her chest than be part of this conversation. She closes her eyes for so long that you can almost count all the individual pairs of eyelashes she has on. She keeps making the face that you see women have in migraine commercials.

"Yeah ummm.......I don't feel as excited as I should be to hear that & I don't think I'll ever get to that point"

Angry Elf turns on her real quick, he defensively says  "It definitely SUCKS that you can't see that being something that you want!"

She starts to say "I respect-" he abruptly cuts her off & snaps

"I came here, there was NO rose on the table! I wasn't expecting THIS  to happen "

He didn't know this date had a chance for elimination or he would have packed his Spiderman suitcase!

She asks if she can walk him out & he rolls his eyes and snarls "fine, whatever" as he stomps off two feet ahead of her. He's pissed, he even breaks the fourth wall looking straight into camera with his crazy eyes.

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I said it in the 2nd recap when everyone was just focused on Chad, that Lord Farquad was really the crazy asshole we should be worried about & I was right.

He gives her a stiff one-armed hug & snaps "Yep, take care" as he jumps into the car & slams the door.

Blow Out fake cries "My final memory of him is him not being able to look me in the eyes!"

In his defense how could he? He barely comes up to your belly button.

God I wish they would have had a confessional of him in the car raging. I cant wait to see how many "answers" he demands from her at the Men tell All episode.

At least now he can use that beret as a sleeping bag!

The next day the obvious winner aka Aaron Rodgers Brother has the one on one date. Has anyone else noticed that he walks like he's never had human legs before?

They do their umpteenth Notebook run & jump kiss and they get into a private plane. That's so nice that he finally gets to feel what its like to be his brother.

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They arrive at a vineyard & Blow Out is wearing jean shorts that are so short they look like denim panties. They do wacky grape stomping & I'm waiting for Jimmy Newtron Hair to say "Hey, have you ever seen that video of the news reporter stomping grapes & falling?!"

They drink the foot wine which can't taste any worse than the 20 other strains of saliva she's ingested throughout the season. They then of course get into a hot tub, you know how every vineyard has an outdoor hot tub in the middle of it? After 15 minutes of making out Implants straddles his underwater boner in the pre cum filled hot tub & asks "what are you thinking about?"

Hair:My mamma

gross.

While they're busy underwater dryhumping we cut to Non Blinker Luke & Mongoloid Chase talking about Jimmy Newtron.

Non Blinker says that it's unfair that "He had the most hype going into this because he's so well-known"

umm he's not Tom Brady.

I have literally never seen him before in my life & this is coming from a girl who was able to recognize Aubrey O'Days dogs in an airport (HUMBLE BRAG!)

If you had shown me a picture of Jordan & asked me to tell you who he was I would have said he was a guy who was too old to still be managing an Abercrombie & Fitch.

Non Blinker goes on to say how Blow Out may choose him because "He's the front-runner because he can get her box seats to the Super Bowl & that's really appealing" Yeah because she's such an active member on FanDuel.com!

Mongoloid goes on to mumble the longest sentence he's ever said on the show "I think JoJo is looking for a real guy, in a real town with a real job"

You know opposed to the other contestants who are imaginary guys from pretend towns.

Now it's time for Blow Out & Jimmy Newtron Hair's no eating dinner date. She asks him what it would be like to go meet his family next week

JNH-"Yeah well you'll meet my parents & my older brother Luke who is the funniest person you'll ever meet"

-OK so clearly Luke was adopted

"And um.. my middle brother won't be there"

He won't even say Aaron's name like he's fucking Voldermort so Blow Out has to say it.

BO: and your middle brother is..Aaron?

JNH "Yep...um we don't really talk but I have a GREAT relationship with my brother Luke"

yeah no one gives a shit about that brother who is probably an assistant manager at Verizon.

He goes on to tell her how he doesn't have any relationship with Aaron & I was dying for her to ask "OK well what about your relationship with Olivia Munn? Because that's a huge deciding factor going into the rose ceremony"

He goes on to say Aaron isn't close with the family anymore "I get the pressure he's under & the demands from people he knows"

You mean like you & your brother asking for tickets that you can scalp & having him autograph jerseys that you're going to sell on eBay? He says that Aaron has no idea he's doing the show. God I wish I could see Aaron's face watching this episode.

JNH "Football doesn't define me"

Really? because that's literally how your title card on the show defines you.

Jimmy Newtron doesn't want to talk about how his brother clearly blocked his number so he changes the topic to how in love he is with her. Of course you are she's the most famous person you know who still acknowledges your existence.

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Next day is group date & it's raining so instead of some bullshit outside activity they have a wacky group slumber party! That's at 11 AM & they order terrible looking room service. Rescue Puppy said "I'm bringing my A game to this date today!" & then proceeded with "I can fit every french fry in my mouth wanna see!?"

He is the male version of Karen Smith. They're both sweet, dumb, but instead of fitting his whole fist in his mouth it's a plate of french fries.

At least with his mouth full of fries he can't sing.

JoJo then decides the next zany activity will be a massage train!

BOO!!!!!!! I wanted Human Centipede!

The guys sit in a row massaging each other & no surprise Robby looks super comfortable in a daisy chain of men touching each other. I'm sure it brings fond memories of his time in the group showers after swim practice.

They then play truth or dare & JoJo's crazy dare was for Robby to WAIT FOR IT!.......

RUN DOWN THE HALLWAY IN HIS UNDERWEAR!

WUH WUH WOAHHH! LOLOLOLLOL

That IS crazy! Especially because no one is on this fucking hotel floor because production has rented the entire thing out.

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I would have dared him to tell us how he's making money being a former swimmer? Or to tell us how many cocks he's sucked.

Robby brags "I think JoJo made me do this because she just wanted to see me with my shirt off!"

You just had a date 2 weeks ago where you guys went swimming! It's not like you've been hiding under a burka, we know what your body looks like as do half the men in Jacksonville on Grindr.

They all lay on the bed together, of course Rescue Dog has to lay at the bottom. Rescue Dog proceeds to make himself look even more pathetic by trying to call out Robby in front of JoJo.

"Robby checks out other women all the time, that's why we call him WER-It stands for Wandering Eye Robby!"

WER-wow what a catchy sounding nickname!

I totally believe Robby checks out women-for their shoes.

Robby who looks like a gay West Hollywood version of Will Forte keeps talking about how he's "a front-runner" I think he maybe the only person from Jacksonville to ever feel that way.

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-That horse they should have used for Alex-

The next day Non Blinker & her have a one on one date at a horse farm because he's a farmer who loves to ride horsseeahbblahblahhhh their date is as boring as he is. He has the vocal fry of Kourtney Kardashian and it takes him forever to get out the few words he knows.

After horseback riding they skeet shoot because remember that he's a farmer?! I feel like Luke is probably very anti gun control & that his family is very pro Trump.Watching this date it's like watching a boring Nicholas Sparks movie and makes me envious of the old lady in The Notebook because I want to forget everything that I've seen on this fucking show.

Also out of all the times it would have actually made sense to rap this episode why wouldn't the producers have them do it during the skeet shooting? AH SKEET SKEET SKEET!

It's Pro Flowers Rose Ceremony & Blow Out finally decides to put the 3 legged rescue dog down. As she walks him out she's sobbing & telling him "You made me such a better person"

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How? I guess he did help you get better at fake smiling at terrible musical performances. He's now crying (barf) & saying how he will always care for her & that she deserves the best possible life. He tells her how she is the most beautiful girl in the world & how happy he is just to know her.

He really is Forrest Gump talking to Jennaayyyyy.

They better make Blow Out wear 7 gowns an episode next week because her fashion is the only good thing about this show. How much longer can we live like this!?!? And what's worse is one of these guys is going to be the next Bachelor!

Kittens, tell me what you think in the comments-

Who would you want as the Bachelor next season? I'm voting for the horse!

I love you for reading!

XOXO

A

the bachelorette

Don't Cry For Me Big Tuna

  We are in Beunos Aries & we see JoJo walking the streets in a red mini cocktail dress with a coat over her shoulders during the day like she's Kim Kardashian. Meanwhile the contesticles are checking into their hotel room that looks like it was decorated by a persian grandmother. Once again they can't BELIEVE their hotel room has beds as we get our umpteenth shot of them throwing themselves on the comforters rolling around cheering.You were just at a hotel yesterday? Why are you acting like before now you were living in a FEMA trailer?They then of course go to the balcony & scream the name "JOJOOOOOOOO!!!!"

You know, how you always scream the name of the person you're dating out the window of your hotel?

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-Former Swimmer's outfit is club manager on top/surfer on the bottom. Better question-is Robby a Top or a Bottom?-

The dullards all sit in the family room waiting for the date card. It's for Wells Fargo & the date card says "Kiss Me, Kiss Me Muchachao"

Wells Fargo admits to the guys that he hasn't kissed Brunette Isla Fischer yet. WTF Really?! Even Shakespearean villain Evan managed to kiss her!

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                                 -Whenever I see this GIF I instantly lose lbs from throwing up-

Angry Elf Alex "What if you kiss her & there are no sparks? It just blows my mind she had to write a date card telling you to kiss her"

Ugh you are the wooooorrrsstttt, also you're an idiot if you think JoJo actually writes the date cards herself.

All the contesticles laugh at Wells & tell him "Better get your chapstick!" maybe you can borrow Angry Elf's! Remember when he so delicately applied his while The Chad became America's hero by ripping Evalyn's hideous $15 shirt?

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Wells Fargo & Blow Out have their date at "Fuerza Bruta" which I guess is Buenos Airies version of Circe Di Soleil but even worse. It's weird Kanye-esque performance art with half naked women crawling around in a suspended pool looking like fetuses in the womb.

On the other side of the warehouse we see a small Mexican man running attached to a harness running on a giant treadmill, we hear a gunshot & now the man is fake bleeding as a woman walks opposite of him & falls off onto a foam pad.

Where did they get the idea recommendation for this date? Stefan on Weekend Update?

Even Shia LaBeouf would think this was awful. Also it combines two of my biggest fears-guns & exercising.

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No performance art date will be better than Laney Boggs & Zach Silers! Never let it drop!

Now Wells Fargo & Blow Out get to try the "Running on a treadmill fake getting killed thing" and all I can say is WOW. Watch out Hamilton!

After sharing that AMAZING performance together Wells Fargo decided that THIS is the perfect time to kiss her.

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-Wells also performed an abortion!-

Jesus Christ Wells are you doing a Sheldon Cooper impression? First he completely misses JoJo’s attempted high five/hand grab, so he tries to, like, pat her face or something?And then he leans in for… a peck on the cheek?

HOW in the world is it possible that Evalyn had more game than you?!?! I can't.

He keeps saying in his voice overs how "I'm waiting for the special moment, the right moment to kiss her. I want our first kiss to be a once in a life time kiss"

I assume he must play a lot of Kelly Clarkson "A moment like this" on his radio show.

They go into the fetus pool & he finally kisses her. She screams & claps "OMG Wells! WE DID IT!" like he's a puppy she just taught to roll over. Very sexy.

On their "dinner" date Wells tells Blow Out that he’s been “struggling” with the fact that they’re such “different people,”

Oh you mean like how you two together looks like you're on a "Make a Wish" date?

But now he's "broadening his definition of who his “perfect” woman might be". She asks him about his ex & he says it's awkward to talk about that subject.

JoJo-"Don't worry I talk about my ex all the time!"

Yeah JoJo, we know.

Wells Fargo keeps the romance going by asking "Am I sweating?"

No, sweating would be an understatement. You look even wetter than you did in that pool.

He says that the problem with him & his ex was that "they were more like best friends". I get the feeling every girl Wells has dated always just thought they were best friends.

Blow Out tells him how "unique & interesting he is" uh oh.

She tells him how she's looking for "her unicorn" or if she were on Friends "her lobster"

She says how she hears the skepticism in Wells' DJ voice when she talks about her "fairytale unicorn" relationship she's looking for & that she "doesn't have time to break down Well's wall"

I'm sure his wall is just as weak & wet as he is.

She says "You & I have built a friendship..." which is ALWAYS a good sign to hear from a girl you're trying to date.

"You are an incredible human being but..... I don't think you're the person I will spend my life with but I REALLY appreciate you"

She eliminates him but I feel like JoJo is the type of girl who would still call Wells to come  put together her IKEA furniture & drive her to the airport.

Of course she's so distraught over losing her Geek Squad suitor she walks the streets of Buenos Aires alone in heels & a cocktail dress, you know how you walk in a foreign country as a woman alone at night?

As if this night couldn't get any more upsetting, she goes BACK to that performance art show by herself. Because it was so much fun the first time!

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                                      -One second I'm a Koons then suddenly the Koons is me!-

It's now a rave (?) that she wanders alone by herself as fake rain falls on her. ok, NOW it's officially worst date ever, having to wash my hair twice in fucking day?!

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Meanwhile during this whole date the pusswad squad has been in the living room talking about Wells Fargo & how he had the weakest connection with her & how nervous he looked about having to kiss her. It may be past baby's bed time but even though he has on his striped footie pj's he's going to try to stay up as late as he can so he doesn't miss any chance to shit talk even though he's seepy.

The date card comes & the doofi find out that they will be going on a group date while Chase (the stupider & even less interesting version of Jordan) & Unfunny Jim Halpert will be going against each other on a two on one date.

                                   - Chase looks like Jordan after Thanksgiving break-

Store Brand Jordan-"I would feel betrayed if Jim Halpert got the rose, he has nothing on me"  Except the ability to show more than one expression.

Off Brand Jordan only has one facial expression & it's "mongoloid"

The next day is group date & Angry Elf tries to walk in front of the group to look like he's the same size as them through TV magic, we know the truth! The only magical thing about you Alex is your Lucky Charms.

The contesticles & Brunette Isla Fischer walk around the town doing "wacky" hijinks like dancing with locals & you guessed it- MORE of trying on of silly hats. Barf.

All the doofi are having fun except for James Taylor. Maybe he's sad because this is the longest I've seen him on camera WITHOUT his fucking guitar. He mopes behind the boring boys gang as his voiceover makes it sound like he's talking about The Plastics

"Just look at these guys! They're perfect! They all look amazing! It looks like I snuck on to a set that I'm not supposed to be on." Do they always win Spring Fling Queen?

"It's not like I'm going to blow anyone away with my looks or my abs, right?" Oh c'mon James Taylor, you look like if Jason Sudekis & Dennis Quaid had a baby! (that was dropped on its face multiple times)

They "spontaneously" decide to join in on a locals soccer game happening on a basketball court. Yay just who the locals wanted on their team-stupid gringos!

One of the translators says that one of the locals wanted JoJo to have to kiss whoever won, the look in her eyes when she thinks she has to kiss one of the locals as she looks like she's about to say "No I already kicked all the ethnic guys off in the 3rd week I'm done having to kiss anyone tanner than me"

She's relieved when the translator says it's whichever of her doofi group that wins get the kiss. WHEW!

James Taylor (who looks like Alice from the Brady Brunch) wins & gets a kiss from her that's as romantic as if she was kissing one of the stray dogs running around the court.

Alice-"I may not be the sexiest guy in the house, but I'm on a one way train to I love Jo-Jo land"

No you're more like on a one way train to Auschwitz, it's not going to end well.

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It's the cocktail party & Non Blinker Luke who looks like Tig Natorro is up first. I'm not sure what's more intense Luke's vocal fry or his serial killer stare. Every time he always does a full monologue before they make out which always involves him slowly brushing her hair back behind her ears & every time it looks like he's about to steal her earrings.

They make out because Luke has run out of all the words he knows how to say. They are like two octopuses all over each other.

Next up is James Taylor & he spends his one on one time talking about Blow Outs most beloved Jordan. Oh no sweetie no. Don't talk about the mamma bears cub (that she's going to have sex with in the fantasy suite in two weeks)

He tells her how he's seen "a different side of him & it's not good" Do I like Aaron Rodger's brother? No. But I have to admit the fuck boy DOESN'T have a bad side-aesthetically that is.

Alice the maid explains his problem with the golden child-

"We were playing a game of cards & I said it's this rule & he said it was a DIFFERENT rule & shut me down, because he's Jordan Rodgers-whatever that is"

JoJo asks "what does that mean?Jordan Rodgers?"

I thought it meant unemployed football player.

"it means that, ummm. Ya know it pretty much means I guess... celebrity"

You're talking about his brother Aaron now right?

"Ya know people are going to listen to me because he's like  I have this billion watt smile & a stud arm  & I'm in magazines, he's acted entitled a couple of times & you just can't go against him"

Uuumm, wtf is a stud arm? I know what a stud-horse is. Does a stud arm means he donates his sperm to top dollar sperm banks? Is that how he afforded his billion watt smile veneers? Or is that from the unemployment checks from NFL? I honestly don't know, I'm not a sports ball fan.

I will say that James Taylor is VERY sweet, he's like the rescue puppy that only has 3 legs & has lost its coat to scabies. But every time he talks he sounds like he's just 10 IQ points above Forrest Gump.Now I know that role actually belongs to Mongoloid Chase but he doesn't have the accent.

James Taylor-"I know I would love her & care for her the most" she's his Jenny.

Next up is Jimmy Newtron hair with the billion watt smile-Jordan.

Both JoJo & him are wearing matching leather jackets like they're going to a Grease sing along. She asks him about what Rescue Puppy said & he laughs it off.

He says how they had a disagreement about cards or some bullshit & how he tried to tell Rescue Puppy the right rules. "That was a tough situation to try to bring logic to but if I came off-"

Blow Out jumps in "Entitled?"

Stud Arm-"No!"

BO-"Well that's the word that was used"

SA-"No. No. I don't know what that means"

Yeah I don't know what that word means, but I know I wasn't that.

She tells him how she pictures her life with him after this (you mean after you give him the final rose on some jungle beach front gazebo hut) & how she is falling for him but wants to make sure the guy shes falling for is the same hot fuck boy he is with her that he is in the house.

He says "I don't think I'm above anybody here"

Really? Not even Alex?

He goes back to sit with all the guys & when they ask him how it went he just sits next to Rescue Puppy in silence manically swirling his white wine like he's  a villian on The Real Housewives.

He keeps swirling the whine maniacally & I'm afraid he's going to get carpel tunnel & ruin his football careeeeee- oh wait nevermind.... SWIRL ON Jordan my bad! Entitlement is not what he's about. Would an entitled guy react to being insulted by jostling a pointy suede boot, swirling a good Sauvignon blanc to release its bouquet, and snapping at Rescue Puppy "How does one-act entitled while stating that the rules of a game are such?"

I think NOT.

Rescue Puppy doesn't have much to say besides muttering "whatever man" a couple of times & going back to nervously biting his nails & tugging at his picnic table-cloth shirt. Super cute.

Implants gives serial killer Luke the safety rose. The rest angrily stare at her how I imagine Alex stares at the height requirements signs at theme parks.

The next day is the two on one between the boring brown-eyed guy & the boring blue-eyed guy who both talk like they have saraan wrap covering their faces.

Mongoloid confessional;- '"I have a real connection with JoJo so why is it fair that I'm put in a position of life or death?"

Is your 2 on 1 date playing Russian roulette? WTF are you talking about dummy it's not life or death it's a fake date on a reality show & either way it ends up with you getting a spot on Bachelor in Paradise. I know that's a lot for you to process but have someone write it in crayon with big letters for you.

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                                               -Who wore it better?-

The date  is a tango lesson because according to JoJo "love is a lot like a Tango" You mean that most people are terrible at it?

It's obvious this Tango lesson is just so JoJo can get some extra rehearsal time before she's on Dancing with the Stars.

The three of them dance together & it looks more like a Mummy fight club than it does a Tango.

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JoJo is now Jodie Sawyer at the end of Center Stage.

They all go on to the no eat dinner date. She takes Unfunny Jim Halpert off to talk to him first. He says "I felt so much passion with you day, I really loved my time with you today I really felt the passion"

Blow Out "Yeah, thank you for that"

Uh Oh.

He tells her that she's the most amazing woman he's ever met which leads to the question-than how many women have you ACTUALLY met? ANd without naming a single physical trait of hers, what makes her amazing? And you can't say her ability to wear clothes.

He tells her "I'm absolutely falling head over heels for you"

Blow Out "Aaawww I appreciate that"

ouch, looks like you are going back to Dundler Mifflin sooner than you thought.

It's now Mongoloids turn & I'm glad she got back to the table before he ate his napkin.

Blow Out tells him “I told you this last week, how special you make me feel & I’ll be honest, I didn’t feel like you gave me much back.” Doofus is shocked, I think? Or confused? Or hungry? I honestly have no idea.

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He mumbles out "It's hard to show emotions...and things"

Then carry around one of those fucking feelings chart & point to it.

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Unfunny Jim Halpert couldn't stop telling her how much he liked her & since Blow Out told Mongoloid how she needs more validation of his feelings towards her she obviously eliminated Jim Halpert....?

Ugh. Whatever it doesn't matter anyway, she's either going to marry Aaron Rodgers brother or one of HER brothers so who cares.

But than we got what I believe to be the most entertaining scene of this entire franchise, which is crazy because these 3 people are so boring, but the producers REALLY outdid themselves.

As Unfunny Jim Halpert is sobbing in his town car, Blow Out & Mongoloid go to a dance floor where an orchestra is playing and all of a sudden an OPERA SINGER COMES OUT ON A  MOTHER FUCKING BALCONY & STARTS SINGING "DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA AS WE CUT BACK & FORTH BETWEEN THEM KISSING & HIM CRYING.

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I write that in all caps because it was so fucking iconic. I have to be honest Jim's sobbing added a really nice back track to her vocals.

I was waiting for Mongoloid to ask "Ugh, is that Madonna singingggg?"

What made this already perfect scene even more magical was Jim aka Derrick who refered to himself in 3rd person. When a contestant refers to themselves in 3rd person it means they've officially fucking lost it.

"I'm Derrick & Derrick is imperfect" sobbing, more sobbing & then he says out loud to himself "Don't cry! Stop it!"

He has the looks of a Jim Halpert but the personality of a Toby.

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                -All his co workers when he gets back-

It's now the Pro Flowers rose ceremony & all the roses should go to the person who made Blow Out's gown.

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Aaron Rodgers brother takes her outside & he tells her “I want to be in love and engaged at the end of this & I think we can get there.”

Her eyes light up at the thought of having Olivia Munn as her sister-in-law, just say yes now so you can start going with her to summer movie premieres!

Inside Angry Elf complains how he's never gotten a one on one date. Another reason this episode has been my least hated, besides that "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" scene, it's also the episode we've heard & seen the LEAST of Alex. Whoever is the new babysitter on set I applaud you.

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Maybe one of the reasons he's so angry is because God forgot to give him a neck. It's the rose ceremony & the bottom 2 are Rescue Puppy & Angry Elf. She then starts hyperventilating &  pulls a Carrie Bradshaw as she runs down the marble stairs away from the Contesticles. I would run away too, Angry Elf is going to Lifetime psycho ex boyfriend on her when he's cut! Have your future husband Jordan break up with him for you! He can just put his hand on his forehead to push him away!

She runs down the steps without holding onto any handrails in a full length gown, you are more of an athlete & soldier than any guy in that room girl!

“What just happened?” Harrison asks her in an intense whisper, yeah JoJo he doesn't want to be on set any longer than the contractual 7 minutes he has to be! He doesn't get paid millions of dollars just to wait around for you to take your time on a decision, he has parties at Kris Jenner's house to fucking get to!

She tells him "I don't want to give this rose out"

I assume it's because Former Swimmer/Current homosexual Robby asked for it for his scrapbook.

So Rescue Puppy is going to pack Angry Elf in his guitar case because they're both eliminated????

Sadly, no.

In typical Lord Farquad fashion, Alex is more upset that they BOTH got roses than the fact he got to stay. To quote Jean Ralphio you are

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Oh by the way next week we get to see him wear a beret, which after he gets eliminated he can use for a hammock.

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Tell me in the comments Kittens who you rank from worst to least worst. Honestly at this point I would marry that female opera singer over any of them. I love you for reading!

XOXO

A.

the bachelorette

Uruguayyyy too Boring

We open the show with the contesticles all talking about how interesting JoJo is, I'm just kidding! They're obviously talking about The Chad. They talk more about Chad than Donald Trump talks about himself. The Chad & Choady James Marsden (aka Alex) are out on their two on one date & once the guys see a PA come pick up Chad's suitcase & take it away they start screaming like they're being circumcised as they jump in the air giving each other high fives. They all scream "hell yeah!" at the top of their lungs & give each other intense bro hugs.

James Taylor aka Ugly Chris Pratt says, "Alex did his job & now the world is right. We have defeated evil"

You're not Seal Team 6 who just killed Bin Laden, calm down. Aaron Rodgers’ brother is celebrating like he just won the Super Bowl because lets face it this is the closest he will ever come to knowing what that feels like.

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Just when I think my eyeballs can't roll any further in the back of my head they all go out on the deck & Ugly Chris Pratt brings his guitar – because of course he does, he's like Lynus with the fucking blanket, the only difference is the blanket didn't ear rape us. Ugly Chris Pratt plays the 4 chords he knows over & over as the gonads all stand in a circle of plaid shirts & v-necks like a femmy cult about to do a sacrifice. Wells Fargo (who was the one I hated the least till now) stands in the center as the master of ceremonies holding a giant container of protein powder because the producers love any excuse for forced prop comedy.

"We are gathered here today to honor who is arguably the worst person anyone has ever met"

You do realize people have met Kim Jong-un, Charles Manson & Paul Ryan Right?

The Chad's honestly the WORST person anyone has ever met? You think a guy who had Kenny Powers confidence & worked out a lot is the ultimate Anti Christ and should be put at the top of the list before Brock Turner?

Was The Chad arrogant? Yes. Did he threaten violence after 3 weeks of being provoked by insults & guys instigating fights with him? Yes. But Mr. Polly Pocket threatened the same amount of violence to him but I guess those didn't count because he is the size of Peter Dinklage so the only real damage he can do is tying your shoelaces together & biting your ankles.

The only person The Chad actually did anything to was Evalyn & it wasn't even to him it was to his $15 dollar shirt. I don't blame The Chad, even Evalyn's own immune system is trying to fight him, he's had like 7 nosebleeds since being in the house or maybe its just his face getting its period.

If they honestly think The Chad is the worst person ever then they live a very charmed life  in a Lisa Frank painted world. The Chad is a "luxury" real estate agent from Tulsa, not a member of ISIS.

Has he fucked any of your moms? Did he walk out on your sister after she told him she was pregnant with his baby? Did he shoot Cecil the lion? Their group hatred & obsession over one person is insane. It's ironic that they all whined & tattled to Brunette Isla Fischer about The Chad being a bully while all 15 of them are outside doing a hatred circle jerk about ONE guy. Yeah, that’s not mob mentality bullying at all. Do you not realize that ALL of you are douchebags? Seriously this entire house came from the Summers Eve aisle. At least The Chad had hilarious & accurate commentary.

Evalyn the wormy ex pastor/boner specialist who looks like the weird brother from Wedding Crashers says, "We are all having a funeral, we are taking his protein powder that is left over & spreading his protein ashes"

Speaking of funerals I'm going to have one for my vagina, because it shriveled up & died watching this scene. Evalyn does his confessional in what appears to be another $15 American Apparel shirt that has protein powder or dandruff all over it. I’m pretty sure its dandruff because his hair looks greasier than a plate of Chinese food.

This MENstration group should have thrown a funeral for the audience because the only entertaining person on this 2 hour time suck is now officially gone. Watching Bracelet aka Ben Higgins the human pillow talk about how his best friends were at risk 11 year olds at the youth center was even more entertaining than watching these dickholes.

The gonads all take a handful of white protein powder & throw it over the balcony as they squeal & cheer like a Bachelorette party throwing penis confetti. God, why was it protein powder & not Anthrax?

Wells Fargo dramatically says "Death to tyrants!" Wow Wells, all that Game of Thrones cosplay you do on the weekends has clearly paid off!

He then kicks the protein tub over the balcony & all I can think besides how much this group of "men" makes me want to become a lesbian is how many takes did it take for him to actually get the kick right. Also, way to litter in a forest!

People say women are catty & dramatic? Did you see the girls last season hold a fake funeral for Olivia and her 137 teeth once she was kicked off? I don't think so.

How did Canadian compare The Chad to Hitler but never compare Alex to Napoleon? Also Hitler was way closer to Alex’s height than The Chad.

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Of course The Chad (aka the producers decide to make him) go back to the house. He stands outside the door looking in as he keeps knocking like he's a Jehovah's Witness. Canadian in his sleeveless hoodie sweatshirt (which I guess if for when your chest & head are freezing but your arms are hot)opens the door.

Evalyn glares at him with his arms crossed like he's protecting his dungeons of dragons cards all while safely hiding behind Aaron Rodgers’ brother, like the limp penis of a man he is.

Evalyn- "I hope Chad’s not here for his protein powder or were all going to be toast!" What a Manly sentence. Evelyn has the comebacks of Screech, but with even less masculinity.

They all stare at him & Canadian awkwardly asks him how the date went as if they don't already know. Chad says how on their one on one time that Choady James Marsden spent the entire time talking about him. He's not wrong.

Aaron Rodgers’ brother "I understand what it would be like to have a group of people not see the way you see things, so if you want to take this time to be genuinely sorry that would be great for all of us"

So you want a guy that all of you harassed, provoked & shit talked to apologize to all of you for your hurt feelings?

Chad says he's not going to apologize because he doesn't regret anything he said.

Aaron Rodgers’ brother "I’m sorry that you can’t be man enough to apologize when I apologized & all of us just apologized"

Umm no you didn't apologize, you demanded that he should & literally no one else said anything except glare.

Jordan tells Chad to shake his hand again & Chad won't. He already shook your hand once Jordan, which I imagine is sticky with hair gel so I don't blame him for not doing it again, you guys didn't just close a luxury real-estate business deal.

Before The Chad leaves Shakespeare Villain Evan does the masculine move of asking-

"Do you have your wallet on you? You owe me a shirt"

Actually Evan now you owe me a shirt because I just threw up a little on mine.

The Chad says, "Are you that broke? I thought you owned dick clinics?"

I can't believe this gift of a man is now leaving. Ugh this makes me feel like when Olivia was left on that island, there goes our entertainment. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO NOW?!? I HAVE TO WATCH THESE FUCKING PIECES OF CELERY FOR HOW MANY MORE WEEKS?!

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They bring him a tray of cupcakes – How else do you celebrate a child’s accomplishment? He smashes his face into them. No surprise we all know those baby cake-smashing parties are very popular.

Hey Evalyn, did this cake remind you of your 3 children's birthdays you're probably missing?

It's now the cocktail party in the reception hall of the hotel (the kind you have company seminars at). For some reason Blow Out is dressed in a sequin pageant gown, it looks great on her but why is she dressed so fancy for a cocktail party? Is there a Miss Pennsylvania pageant going on in one of the other halls? Why are you wearing a Fritze Bernais?

The guys are also dressed up in their best Men’s Wearhouse suits & it looks like they were all groomsmen in a wedding where Lord Farquad was the ring bearer.

First up is Chase (the less attractive & even less interesting version of Jordon Rodgers) he takes her outside & says dopily "I stole some of the knocker balls" from where? The housekeeping cart in the hotel? Were they next to the mini shampoo & conditioners?

She looks at him and acts shocked "OMG chase! You didn't!"

You're right JoJo, he didn't! A PA had to go to the nearest Dicks Sporting Good store & buy them and then place them in the bushes exactly where the producers marked out for you to stand.

"OMGoooddd" laughs & puts her hands to her face  "That's amazing!!!!"

Has anyone noticed that JoJo's reaction to everything is to act like Taylor Swift at award shows? She always puts her hands over her mouth & goes "OMG No! Really! WHAT?!That’s amazing!!"

Doofus traps her in the ball with him & he says “My relationship with JoJo at this point is incredibly comfortable.”

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 -Yeah, it looks super comfortable!-

Which producer was in charge of pitching this idea? "Ok so I know that we NORMALLY have them sit on a secluded bench somewhere but what I think would be really great since she's going to be in a gown & heels on cement – lets have her look like the bubble boy! Huh? Huh? Good right?!

Next is Former Swimmer Robby & he takes her outside to the giant hotel fountain, after that last bullshit move I'm afraid the producers next zany activity is going to have them get in the fountain & reenact the FRIENDS opening instead Robby tells her he wants them to make wishes- barf. Its more of a literal move from the fountain thing, what's even worse is Blow Out asks him "How do we do this?!" as if the penny he just handed her was a fucking Rubik’s Cube.

Robby: “I can't tell you my wish but I’ll give you a hint… it has to do with you and I… like, a very intensely shiny object… 42 days from now.” Ooh is she going to take a knife & stab him in 42 days!? At least now we have something to look forward to!

Oh he's talking about an engagement ring? For some reason I feel he has more experience giving the person he's dating a cock ring.

All the contesticles look on angrily through the hotel window like peeping Toms as they complain that he's kissing her, have they not realized that’s what has been happening at least 14 times a day for the last 3 weeks. Why all of a sudden are you guys afraid of getting mono? She has kissed more in 3 weeks than I have my 27 years of being alive.

If I was a hotel guest & I saw JoJo in her gown & Robby next to her I would assume that’s just her gay pageant coach or hairdresser.

Evelyn-“Now everybody’s kind of starting to look around like, ‘has he kissed her?’… Everybody’s kind of judging where each guy stands, so I think everybody’s a little bit nervous.” Ok it's not a Clue. We're not trying to figure out who finger banged her in the library with a candlestick.

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Next- James F (Who? Exactly). At first I just thought he was a really dressed up camera guy that happened to be in the shot by mistake but I guess he's a contestant? Kudos to you James for managing to stay completely hidden yet make it to the free trip. The invisible man sits next to Blow Out & says the worst 4 words you can hear from a guy –

"I have a poem"

Me-

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I would rather have a guy tell me "I gave you AIDS" at least then I could reach my goal weight of Tom Hanks in Philadelphia.

Hey guy who we've never seen till tonight – you're not Dr. Seuss or Shel Silverstein no one wants to hear your poem . He reads this terrible poem that sounds like it was written by a child who was held back a couple grades. JoJo tears up, I would too, because I would be crying with laughter. I think her eyes are watering because she's biting her tongue so hard that her mouth is filling up with blood.

Right then Baby Gaston walks in, ugh just when I thought it couldn't get worse than the poem, I was wrong. He sits down next to her (of course his feet don't tough the ground) & tells her that his focus is all on her, really? because this entire season all we have heard you talk about is The Chad & other contestants enough to where it sounds like you have a string theory chart about all of them like you're fucking Carrie in Homeland.

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Luke who looks who looks like a Dragon Ball Z character sits down & talks to her & in the 4 minutes of him talking to her we see him blink once. He tells her since meeting her "my heart beats a lot faster now," maybe that’s just your PTSD Luke.

Evelyn  complains, "now that The Chad is gone all the other guys have turned into mini chads" or in Alex’s case mini mini (not) fun sized Chad.

Non-Blinker asks Evelyn "Have you gone yet? Because I'm going for seconds if you don't want to go" I love that Isla Fischer is being talked about like she's an all you can eat buffet.

Evalyn answers "I'm trying!" trying? All you have to do is walk into the next room.  It took you longer to put on the 19 pieces of jewelry that you're wearing than it would to walk over & weird her out.

"It's crazy how all the guys who are so compassionate for JoJo & are willing to jump in front of me." Oh come on Evelyn, don't pretend you wouldn't love to play naked leapfrog with these guys. You're an ex-pastor/current boner specialist – the two creepiest jobs you can have.

No one feels compassion for you Evalyn. The only person I have compassion for is the woman you somehow convinced to have sex with you 3 times. You are the best advertisement for your business because you are epitome of a flaccid penis – weird looking & you just hang there completely useless.

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Aaron Rodgers’ brother than takes her by the hand in front of everybody & as they turn the corner of the rec hall he literally shoves her into the corner & starts attacking her face drunk like a drunk groomsmen with one of the bridesmaids. They are kissing so loud that it sounds like a toothless woman eating corn on the cob. If only he had kept his hands on the ball as much as he's keeping his hands on JoJo’s ass he would probably still be a football player.

As the guys sit on the other side of the wall as the obvious winner dry humps her on the other side Evelyn whimpers "I haven't gotten time with her yet!" Yes, I’m sure after feeling Jordan’s non-flaccid penis against her dress she really wants to have one on one time with the a guy who looks like he'd play the pedophile on Law & order SVU who is wearing more jewelry than Steven Tyler.

It's now The 7 Eleven rose ceremony & she cuts the poem guy & Canadian.

Canadian - “I just wasn’t the type of guy for her, and fair enough. She’s obviously going for personality and obviously my personality is shit.”

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-I have never seen someone so self aware-

He continues, “If this was based solely on looks, there’s a good chance I would still be here"

Really? I guess if it was based solely on who looks most like a vampire/street magician than yes.

"There’s millions of people in the world, and you know, the chance of her falling for me, I got a better chance of getting struck by lightning… while you know… shaving my face.”

Why are you shaving your face outside? Getting struck by lightning while shaving your face is technically THE most statistically improbable event besides me sleeping with Lord Farquad.

I want the confidence that The Chad & Canadian have, they need to bottle it & sell it. I have gone to countless therapists, healers & hypnotists and I've never once had that delusional confidence I so desire.

Pageant Gown tells the remaining douches "I’m ready to take this international! I’m gonna take you guys somewhere exotic and romantic." MORE EXOTIC THAN NEMACOLIN, PENNSYLVANIA?!?

"We are headed south, to where South America’s most elite go to play. We are going to Punta del Este, Uruguay.”

OMG Uruguay?! How romantic! Where are the next trips to Ethiopia & Iraq? Where South America's most elite go to play? I had no idea that Sophia Vergara & Shakira’s favorite "play" spot was Uruguay!

All the guys scream with excitement like they know where the fuck that is. I wish they would have had them all have to show on a map where Uruguay is & since none of them would be able to do it the show would be over. This is the most torturous show I have ever seen. The reason it took me over a week to write this is because I watched it in 10-minute increments. The only enjoyable thing about this show are JoJo’s outfits, why can’t she just be a fashion blogger on Instagram & save us all from this torture? The only person I liked on the show was The Chad & now that he's gone we are left with these dickholes who collectively have the personality of a wet paper towel roll. We have 46 more hours of this? Barf.

Next, we see stock footage of Uruguay as JoJo’s voice over says how beautiful the beaches are & how the people are so friendly – yes I’m sure you spent a lot of time with the locals JoJo. She continues talking about the sights & culture of Uruguay as we see her sitting safely in her hotel room 108 stories up from the actual streets of Uruguay at a coffee table drinking tea looking out the window. It’s clear the only local she has met is her room service guy.

The sponsorship is The Grande Hotel, which looks like a fancy Sheraton. The guys all start fist pumping & hollering as they walk up to the hotel in a horizontal line, ya know how you normally walk like you’re in a firing squad? They all say how they can't believe they're getting to stay here, um, have you never seen a hotel room before? You're acting like a bunch of Amish guys on rumspringa. You're sharing a hotel room with 500 count sheets calm down.

Evelyn-"We even have a 360 degree view of the ocean!" No you don't, your hotel isn't on an island.

Napoleon runs to open the envelope & reads the date card like it's a birthday card from his grandma that has a whole $20 in it.

"Jordan....." as he realizes that’s it's not his name on the card he slows down & takes a pause like he's Maury announcing the results of a paternity test as if reading the card slower will make Jordan late for his date & he won't get to see JoJo.

After taking 3 minutes to read the 6 words on the card, Mr. Polly Pocket finishes & all of the guys sit stone faced & glaring at Jordan with jealousy as Jordan does a slow clap for himself. He gets up & goes into the bathroom to run his hands through his hair 50 times like he's Marsha Brady & also to change into an identical v-neck as he was wearing before that’s just a slightly darker shade of green than the last one.

I hope the sight of the brand new v-neck he just put on leads Evelyn to start cutting himself, at least he has 37 bracelets to cover the scars.

Wells-" I was kind of angry, it should be my name on that card."

You know where your name shouldn't have been? Your birth certificate because it’s fucking awful. Wells says Aaron Rodgers’ brother is only on this show for another stamp on his passport. That’s not fair I’m sure Aaron Rodgers’ brother gets to travel all the time to go watch his brother be successful.

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Vinny the barber who ironically has the worst haircut out of all of them appears to be using binoculars for the first time ever as he just used them to look around the room. If you're using the binoculars to try to find the reason you're still there – don't bother its non-existent.

The puss wad squad continues to complain in their double suite

Unfunny Jim Halpert – Not to stereotype all football players but.... (Well if you’re stereotyping football players, it wouldn't apply to Jordan...just his brother).

Clear eyes full heart can’t lose an opportunity to be the Bachelor!

Lord Farqad -"Jordan’s on a date... cool. I bet they're having a great time"

Ok bitter party of one your high chair is ready!

Meanwhile BlowOut & Jordan meet on the dock & they do their 27th Note Book kiss where she runs to him,he lifts her up and they makes out. I swear the only time his hands aren't holding her up by her ass as they kiss is when she's in a full-length skintight gown.

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They make out on the boat some more & then Jordan points & says "seals" like a child at a zoo.Blow Out does her over excited shocked laugh "OMG!!!! " Clasps her hands in front of her mouth-"You can see them!?"

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Yeah JoJo he can see them because there are literally a hundred of them on the beach – I know football players have a lot of concussions according to that Will Smith movie but he's not Stevie Wonder.

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Hopefully this goes better than Pig Island last season. It's ironic they would choose a swimming date for the people who spend the most time on their hair out of everyone on the show. They dryhump in the water as she rides his midsection as the seals swim away from them because even they're uncomfortable with PDA. If their suits weren't wet before they definitely are now.

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Back at the hotel the gossip queens are at Vinnie’s "barber shop" & by barber shop I mean that they took the vending machines out of the corner of hallway & put up a paper sign that says "Vinny's barber shop" written in highlighter by a rushed PA.

I'm sorry but it's not a barbershop unless Cedric the Entertainer is sitting in a chair dressed as an old man. Lord Farquad is getting his haircut & I’m surprised he’s not sitting in a space ship chair that they use for when children get their hair cut.

He says how "Jordan is a former NFL player so JoJo already knew who he was going into this." Um He's not Tom Brady. "He's not here for the right reasons." Thank god we have Napoleon as the right reasons police! He was the kid in his school that would remind the teacher she hadn't collected the homework yet & took hall monitoring way too seriously.

The right reasons to come on this show – to get 15 minutes of fame, gain a couple thousand new Instagram followers & hopefully another paycheck to go on Bachelor In Paradise. I would say the wrong reason to come on this show was if you were genuinely looking for love & to have people respect you.

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The producers have clearly been watching UnReal & stole one of their plot lines by planting a tabloid magazine about JoJo in Vinny's "barber shop". Of course it’s brought up very naturally

Unfunny Jim Halpert- " Oh-my-god Vinny... What is this?"

Wells Fargo – Cmon man why you keeping these gossip magazines?

Farquad- "yeah man WHAT'S UP WITH THAT"

Vinny- "Men love gossip"

JoJo's boobs are more natural than this dialogue. It sounds like a bad play that aliens wrote about humans but that they didn't really work that hard on.

Lord Farqad "if its true no one’s going to think she's really here for love & that it’s just for publicity." He sits there angrily staring at the magazine. Listen, I know you're disappointed it's not a Highlights magazine & you didn't get to find the toaster in the tree but calm the fuck down.

The pusswad squad continues complaining (big surprise)

Wells -"I sacrificed a lot to be here!"

No you didn't. You went through 10 auditions to get to leave your job for 3 months for free trips & to make out with a stranger while promote your morning zoo radio show- call down. You clearly didn't sacrifice your training for a body building competition, the only thing you sacrificed was your dignity.

Back at the basic suite all the contesticles are talking about if she's here for the wrong reasons. Jesus Christ she's not here to steal everyone social security cards.

Blow Out & Aaron Rodgers Brother are at the dinner date which of course they don't eat. The only nutrients JoJo gets is from champagne & men's saliva that’s how she stays so skinny. She tells him that she has a fear of getting her hear broken, wow how isolating it must be for her that she is the only person in the world with that specific fear.

JoJo says how she had met one of his ex's & she said that he wasn't a good boyfriend. He blinks at her like he's doing Morse code with eyes. He's blinked more in the last minute than Luke has the past 5 episodes. He’s now manically brushing his hair back that I’m surprised he has any hair left.

He says the reason his relationship suffered was "My number one priority was sports, I was focused on becoming the best football player I could be.” Well we all know how well that turned out...

She asks if there was cheating & before she can even finish her question he blurts "NO!" Way too quickly. Yeah that doesn't look guilty at all. She looks at him suspiciously "I wish I could read your mind."

"I’m really not thinking anything." That’s the most honest thing Jordan ever said there is NOTHING that he's thinking on this date, or ever. The only thing going on in his mind is a highlight reel of his glory days of being a quarterback.

Jordan does the hail mary move of "my pastor always told me" this is my 3rd "FUCK NO" on a date

, 1) Here’s a song

2) Here's a poem

3) My pastor said

I'd rather hear you quote Jeff Foxworthy "You know you're a redneck when..." than quote a fucking church mentor.

Aaron Rodgers Brother - "Don't say you love someone unless you're willing to put a ring on their finger"

So your pastor was Beyonce?

He tells her how he's falling in love with her & JoJo basically asks him if there will come a point where he'll be too afraid of his feelings for her that he'll run away. Ok Michael Scott.

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Brunette Isla Fischer Confessional -"I was so scared during this conversation with Jordan, but now I'm not as scared anymore"

Scared? Did you think he was going to pull a Ray Rice? Or dump you on the middle of your non eating dinner date? That’s ridiculous he still has so much camera time to soak up!

They of course go for a walk & just happen to run into a mariachi band playing at 1 am in the middle of a courtyard & Jordan dances proving he is the whitest person alive. I’m surprised he didn't do The Carlton. No wonder other countries hate Americans. I hate us after watching this show.

We get back to the hotel & as if this show isn't boring enough they literally show her pushing the button for the elevator, waiting for the elevator, her getting in the elevator pressing her floor button & waiting for it to go up, her getting out of the elevator & her walking down the hallway to the room, it literally looks like a video teaching people how to get into a hotel room.

In her confessional "I’m just so happy I don't think anything could take away this feeling" cue the pa from UnReal automatically saying "I want to show you something" as he hands her the tabloid" "open it up" yeah open it up to the page they clearly marked for you.

The contesticles fill Aaron Rodgers’ brother in on what forced drama is happening. Vine decides to speak his 8th sentence on the show "well there was a tabloid-" as he's quickly cut off by you guessed it! It really is true, kids never shut the fuck up.

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Lord Farqaud who for some reason is shirtless by the way when everyone else is fully clothed?! I'm not sure what’s worse about Alex his personality or his tattoos, which are bigger than he is.

JoJo is "crying" in her testimonial as her eye makeup remains perfect & no tear streaks on her foundation. Just like Vinny her tears are invisible.

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She's so fake upset she forgets to put on her shoes . She cries to the contesticles about the article & says how ashamed she is to be in this magazine, like it’s a picture of her in Hustler wearing nothing but a swastika armband. It’s a 2-page interview your ex gave to In Touch, calm the fuck down. I would love to be in ANY magazine!

Lord Farqad "This just shows what an asshole THAT CHAD IS ALSO!" His gap kids pants tighten a little more now that he gets to bring up The Chad again.

All the guys get in line to hug her as she holds tightest to Jordan hoping that Evalyn will eventually get tired of waiting for his hug & go back to his room to sort out his man jewelry.

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The next day is group date as Aaron Rodgers Brother & Former Swimmer have their zany man spa date. They're in robes, facemarks & cucumbers on their eyes getting pedicures.

BUT WAIT, THEY ARE MEN! THIS IS HILARIOUS BECAUSE THE ROLES ARE REVERSED! HOW SILLY! LOOK NOWS HES EATING THE CUCUMBER OFF HIS EYES LOLOLOLOL

For the group date we see JoJo in the sand dunes & we can already tell this is going to be worse than Sex & The City 2 . She's in black leggings, boots, a wife beater with a jeweled armband & a plaid shirt tied around her waist- you know in case it gets cold in the sand dessert of South America. Who knew that the same outfit you would wear to a Beyonce concert is also the ideal outfit to wear sand surfing?! Also why are we in a desert sand surfing when there is actual ocean & another opportunity to put JoJo in a bikini?

We start the zany sand surfing date & I think it's nice that there is a grain of sand for every time they mentioned Chad’s name. Lord Farquad loves this date because it reminds him of being in his sandbox at the playground .Big surprise who the worst is -fucking Evalyn. I would love to see the b roll of all the times Evayln & Farquad fell, I’m shocked none of the contestant have "former sand surfer " as a job title.

Non-Blinker- "this hill is steep enough to break somebody's leg"

Fingers crossed! It would be great if it was Alex & then all the Oompa Loompas back at the factory could sign his cast.

I wish instead of sand boarding it had been water boarding. I'm just wishing that giant sand tiger from Aladdin would have eaten all of them except for Implants.

Back at the Sheraton, Former Swimmer gets a date card & says

"Tomorrow everyone in America will see whose in love with JoJo! (does finger guns at himself)"

America already knows whose in love with JoJo-her brothers. Also you're in love with her? Tomorrow is literally your first date with her.

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-Who has two thumbs and is a closeted homosexual with a fake job? THIS GUY!-

At the cocktail party we play the game of Hot JoJo Potato as we toss her around.

Lord Farquad "everyone thinks Derricks a good guy, BUT I DONT, I DONT LIKE THE GUY! I think he's a very calculated person, a very jealous person & gives off this vibe of insecurity!"

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Are you describing yourself? The night you met her you insisted she watch you do pushups. Farquad you calling someone insecure is like Giuliana Rancic calling someone anorexic.

Angry Elf now has his time as he sits on his highchair at the bar grasping on to her hand so tightly I thought it was going to break. Yeah, you're not insecure at all.

He tells her "This is as real as it’s ever been in my whole life, you can’t get this connection with text messages ya know."

You know your life is bad when the realest "love " you've ever felt for a person is a girl you've known for 3 weeks that you've shared with 25 other guys on a reality show.

Angry Elf you're a walking emoji of the shit icon.

JoJo is still talking about the magazine "last night reading that magazine, it was one of the worst nights of my life"

Really? I thought one of the worst nights of your life would have been when Bracelet dumped you in front of America.

She gives Jim Halpert the safety rose & angry baby is so mad by this I’m shocked he didn't smash his beer sippy cup against the wall.He's pissed because Jim Halpert got "the pitty rose" Where was your anger earlier this season when Evelyn got a sympathy rose literally saying "either give me the rose over Chad or I’m leaving. "

Lord Farquads confessional: “My mind has officially been blown. She literally said, ‘I’m gonna give you this rose for your reassurance.’ So, now I get to speculate that he told her that he needs validation. He’s an insecure little bitch… I don’t need a group-date rose to feel okay. That’s the difference between myself and Derek is I don’t want the pity rose.”

No, the difference between you & Derrick is 8 inches.

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The next day we see Blow Out on the beach playing hide & seek with a "stray dog" aka one of the productions dogs because they cant risk a stray going Kujo on her & giving the bachelorette rabies. Honestly, I’d rather sleep with the dog than any of these contestants.

You know back at the hotel Angry Elf is saying, "That dog is here for the wrong reasons!"

Although if Angry Elf was on the date they could do a beach trail ride with JoJo on a horse & Elf riding the dog.

Blow Out-"It's our last day here so I want us to spend the day soaking up the South American culture"

Oh, so you guys are going to be doing cocaine & hiding from human traffickers?! No – instead they do something that’s even more authentic to South American culture – they try on silly hats!!! LOLOLOLOL

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Former Swimmer puts on a newsboy cap (barf) & JoJo says "You look like Ryan Gosling right now!" Well, they are both male & they are both breathing so I guess?

They eat from a food truck, "Cheers to authentic Uruguay food!" Yes paninis are native to Uruguay!

Swimmer -"I love Uruguay food!”

Of course you do Robby! I’m sure there’s tons of Uruguayan cuisine restaurants in Jacksonville, FL. If you had to manufacture a person who looks like a trust fund baby that spent his summers as a kid at the country club, it would be Robby.

They go rock climbing & Closet Case asks if she'll jump off the cliff with him. You wouldn't have to ask me twice to jump off a cliff, I'd rather do that than continue watching this show.

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His shorts are brighter than the sun in a print that looks like he stole it from Zach Morris in the Saved by the Bell Hawaii episode. It’s a testament to how hot Jojo is that she's even able to pull off wearing those rock climbing toe shoes.

If there’s any two people on this show who should be jumping into sharp rocks it's Farquad & Evalyn.

They do the stereotypical jump scene where they can talk for 10 minutes after about how it shows that it’s about taking risks with each other & they have the strength to trust the unknown blahahaha, water makeout, water makeout. She keeps saying how this really showed how much she trusted Swimmer. It should be how much you trust the show intern who they had jump off the cliff first to test it.

Meanwhile Farquad & Chase (the less attractive & interesting version of Jordan) try to intimidate Unfunny Jim Halpert the same way they did to Chad. I used to think Evelyn was the absolute worst but Angry Elf surpasses that.

I get he was a marine & I appreciate his service to our country, but I don't appreciate his service on my television.

Farquad to Unfunny Jim Halpert "She could have said I chose to give this rose to a guy because I like him a lot BUT SHE DIDNT SAY THAT instead she said I’m giving this rose to reassure someone. You don't need to prove anything to me."

(Except how you're here for the right reasons because I told everyone that you weren't)

"We don't go around picking fights with people. I’m not saying that you're weak I’m just saying that its almost too good" as he & his tall stupider sidekick laugh.

Chase – "I’m done here are you done here?"

Angry Elf – in his best Straight out of Compton voice "yeah we done"- ok strap him back in his baby bjorn chase!

Unfunny Jim Halpert in his confessional says, "They are acting like Mean Girls"

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Chase is Gretchen Weiners "Regina doesn't even like you that much! Why would she give you a rose!?"

Do we hate Alex because he's short? Or is he short because we hate him?

Robby & JoJo are at the "romantic dinner" portion were the Swimmer says his sob story. He tells her that what brought him here is that his childhood friend died in a car accident a year ago" blah blah blah I realize you have to live for today blah blah blah

"And that my friend, well...he would want me to be here.” Yes I’m sure that’s on his headstone. I hope that if I die my best friend will mention it in the same sentence as when she tells someone she loves them on a reality show

" with that being said with the passing of my friend – I need to tell you I love you"

JoJo's response "Thank you so much" & then gives him the rose just so the ghost of his dead friend doesn't follow her around & haunt her in the fantasy suite.

JoJo is like Ariel from the Little Mermaid – gorgeous, looks great in a bikini top & doesn't really say much on a date just stares with her big gorgeous eyes.

We have them kiss on the beach & of course shockingly there are fireworks going off at that exact same time! What are the odds!? It's a good thing they did the fireworks with one of the guys that has a fake job instead of with Non-Blinker the explosion noises could have lead to some bad war flashbacks.

At the cocktail party Jim Halpert tries asks to talk to Jordan, The even dumber version of Jordan (Chase) & Angry Elf.

Jim tries to confront them about their Mean Girl behavior, which they all laugh off, & than accuse him of being sensitive & trying to distract them from the time they should be spending with JoJo at the party-even though she's not even there yet.

Angry Elf-" he's a sensitive little bitch, that’s not normal behavior!"

Yeah like your behavior of talking about every single guy to JoJo & in your confessionals is normal. He takes everything so seriously it's scary. Angry Elf is the type of guy you would see on the news for a road rage incident.

No one's after your Lucky Charms, calm the fuck down.

The Pro Flowers ceremony comes & she FINALLY eliminates Evelyn, along with Handsome Squidward & Vinny the Barber.

Evelyn of course is crying, "I wanted to be a freakin front runner ya know?"

-Front-runners don't say they want to be front-runners. Also the only front-runner you'll ever be is if they have a Shakespearean Villain look a like contest. I hope he at least picked up souvenirs for his 3 children he abandoned for a month.

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Evelyn don't forget your painting of The Chad & your 40 pieces of American Eagle jewelry!

the bachelorette

The Chadlorette

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We open this episode with JoJo & her blowout deep in thought peering out over her balcony, which looks like it's a luxury timeshare in Orlando. She dramatically says "It's just so crazy how last night was my first night & now here I am....it's just crazy." That's not crazy, that's just time.

Cut to the gaudy Spanish-style mansion where The Chad, the luxury real estate agent, makes the breakfast toast "to a beautiful girl, a beautiful life, fuck you all I'm going to make her my wife." The toast doesn't bother me nearly as much as the collection of terrible arm tattoos on display around the table. The most confusing thing about Chad is that I had no idea there was luxury real estate in Oklahoma. Why is that not a Million Dollar Listing show on Bravo?

Chris Harrison does his 90 seconds of work & comes in to deliver the date card which the wormy erectile dysfunction specialist reads out loud because Chris Harrison doesn't have the time or energy to read those 4 words "Lets heat things up"-

We hear a Michael Bay explosion outside, given all of the army veterans in the house I'm afraid this is going to cause a PTSD freak out. They run outside to see a limo on fire. Grant aka Handsome Squidward who is a real life firefighter couldn't care less. As the entire group blankly stares at the limo engulfed in flames Erectile Dysfunction says "wow that fire is hot." Stop, drop & roll yourself towards the flames immediately.

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After a full minute of staring at the fire, Chase (who looks like an ugly version of Jordan Rodgers) calmly says "Is JoJo in there? Should I go get a fire extinguisher." Wow I'm glad you're on the ball! Now obviously she would be dead by now but don't you think it would have been a great trick by the producers to put her in special effects makeup to make her look like a burn victim and then see how many guys STILL wanted to stay in the house with her looking like Freddy Krueger?

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A fire truck pulls up & Brunette Isla Fisher gets out in a fireman outfit with an 80's metal guitar riff playing in the background as she shakes her hair back & forth like she's in a Carl's JR commercial. This fire scene gives the producers what they want of the men making awful puns about how hot JoJo is "The limo isn't the only thing on fire, she smoking" "She's scorching" The only time someone has used the word scorching to describe me was when my Dr. was telling me about my UTI.

JoJo holds the hose as it explodes with water, get it?! Because it's metaphor for what’s going on in the guys pants right now? Oh ABC you are just TOO much! All of them clap as she holds the hose & say how impressed they are. Can you believe it, she's beautiful AND knows how a hose works! Is she in Charlie's Angels? She asks them if they're all ready for a "hot date" which leads to 20 more puns. They used the word "hot" more in 5 minutes of this episode than Paris Hilton did the entire 1st season of The Simple Life. The real fire team continues to extinguish the still burning limo, between this & all the ridiculous hot tub scenes with Bracelet I'm starting to understand why California is in a drought.

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Well the V-necks who weren't chosen for the group date shuffle inside to whine about it, Chad uses this time to work out. He packs an entire suitcase full of Costco sized tubs of whey protein, attaches it to himself & then proceeds to do pull ups from the beam of the house shirtless. It's impressive his ability to encompass so many douche bag traits all at once. He's like if you combined the strength of Dwayne Johnson with the ego of Kenny Powers. I imagine Chad drives a yellow hummer & uses a lot of homophobic slurs.

His name is Chad Johnson & his last name fits him perfectly.

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We pull up to the fire academy where the V Necks are going to be put through a fireman obstacle course. This seems like a fair challenge to have Grant compete in since he's an ACTUAL firefighter. If we are going to have the men do competitions of their jobs why didn't we choose Evan where the men have to navigate an obstacle course of flaccid penises?

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                -Where's Mark Orlando?!-

I wonder how many real fires happened during the time where the entire Rio Hondo fire department was busy filming a scene for the Bachelorette.

Blow Out says, "this is the hottest date I've ever been on." Yes! Thank you for bringing attention to the fact that global warming is a very real problem that we need to be addressing! Oh wait never mind you're still just making fire puns.

Now the men are doing their best impression of Jack Nicholson in Psycho & are using Ax's to break down doors. In a twist Grant the real life firefighter is doing the best! As for Wells, the radio DJ is lagging behind,. Where is his a cappella troupe from the first night to help him?!

Wells' door looks like he's been hitting it with a lollipop. Chief Tracy screams out how he's pale, shaky & that he needs a medic because he's about to faint. I guess we can skip the part where we use the axe to cut his balls off because Chief’s already done it.

This challenge is now who can rescue Wells in case of an emergency as he has to strip out of his gear & is lying on a gurney gasping for air as JoJo tries to feed him water.

The guys angrily look on as Wells is basically getting a one on one date with JoJo, maybe if the rest of you hadn't spent so much time at the gym this could have been you. Wells' personality really stands out, mostly because he's the only one who has any (well besides Chad, ok so Wells is the only one whose stands out in a good way). He has a Seth Cohen type charm where he knows that he has the physical strength of a kitten but makes up for it with jokes that thankfully didn't come from a 6th month old viral video.

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-I would rather impale myself on a pool skimmer than listen to this-

At the house the rest of the contesticles are all out by the pool singing along to the acoustic guitar being played by James Taylor aka Ugly Chris Pratt. The brilliant tune they made up is "Joooo Joooo where'd you goooooo gooooo? Jooooooo Jooooo Jooooo Joooo" they're so proud of it & cant stop high five each other saying how much she's going to love it. You're right, John Legends "All of Me" has nothing on "Joooo Joooo". The only guy who ISN'T involved in the soon-to-be hit single is The Chad.

The Chad is sitting off on his own patio chair tanning his 8-pack & rolling his eyes at this terrible camp sing a long. He says how terrible & embarrassing it is and he's 100% right. You know things aren't good when Chad is the most self-aware person in the house.

Chief Tracy calls out the top 3 finalists that he's picked to "save" JoJo. He picks Luke the farmer/war veteran who in the first episode rode in on a unicorn like it were a dream sequence from one of those FarmersOnly.com commercials.

He also picks Handsome Squidward who some how managed to do amazingly well in the firefighter obstacle course to the point where he could almost do this professionally.

Last and certainly least, he picks Wells. Chief Tracy says he picked him because "this man showed that it’s important to never give up!" The look on Well's face when chief announces his name is "please just kill me, I think I see my grandparents calling me towards the light please just let me go & put me out of my misery." The only firefighting challenge he's up for is petting the Dalmatian or judging the chili cook off. I just think Chief Tracy is mad at all the times he missed out on winning concert tickets over the radio & taking it out on him. Wells doesn't even have the lung capacity to blowout his birthday candles but sure lets have him run up 6 flights of stairs to "save" JoJo, obviously a woman can't save herself it's not like shopping or cooking.

The real life firefighter won the challenge, just like the end of an M. Night Shyamalan movie, I did NOT see that coming.

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Handsome Squidward didn't have to use an ax to get into the building he could have just used his chin.

It's now nighttime, everyone has had a shower/wardrobe/mic pack change & Brunette Isla Fischer has a new blowout for the cocktail party. As Chin & JoJo talk in the cabana, Farmers Only is taking his loss REALLY hard.

"I lost the challenge and now I'm having to wait as he's getting to talk to her about how he saved her life on top of a roof...it doesn't get any worse for me than this."

You were a war veteran and THIS is still the worst thing there is for you?! You do know she wasn't actually in danger right? Why are you so upset that you lost a firefighter challenge to an actual firefighter? It's not like you lost it to Wells or Boner guy.

Chin tells JoJo how he's never going to leave for work in the morning without waking her up to tell her how much he loves her because there is a chance he might not make it back. Honestly, if you woke me up from sleeping in just to tell me that I would wish for you to die anyway so if you could just leave it on a note on the fridge that would be great.

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Next up in the cabana is Seth Cohen. He shows her pictures of his basset hound & she remarks "Is this you?! I didn't even recognize you with a beanie on!" Wow what a chameleon! He's like Zoolander, so many different looks! It's good to know that if she ever had to identify someone in a police lineup the criminal will get away as long as he's wearing a hat.

We see shots of her having one-on-one time with every guy as Farmers Only gets more & more upset as he just stares without blinking at the cabana. At ease soldier! It's just them talking, they're not making out on your "Welcome Home" airport sign.

Him & his leather jacket finally have their time with her, thank god because I was starting to worry about his blood pressure. After 2 minutes of talking they go out on the balcony & make out because she supports the troops!

It comes time for her to give the rose to someone, Chin assumes it will be him since he's the firefighter who "saved her life,” Farmers Only assumes it will be him because "America" so naturally she ends up giving it to Wells Fargo.

Farmers Only is devastated & says "It's EXTREMELY frustrating seeing Wells get the rose, I thought that JoJo and I had a VERY CLEAR connection." If only their connection was as clear as this guys eye contact, the man does NOT blink.

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The next day is a one-on-one date with Jim Halpert (Derrik) she takes him outside & says that the date is all about choices. I am very pro choice and couldn't date a man who wasn't so I'm all for it!

They get in a classic blue Cadillac that looks like they're about to film Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. As they drive out I realize the first choice was by the ABC executives and that choice was "cut the budget."

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They look at the poster boards made by the shows interns & they choose sky. As they drive down the highway JoJo realizes that Guy Fieri's convertible was the WRONG choice as her blowout is destroyed. She chooses beauty over safety as she frequently takes both hands off the wheel to touch her hair.

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Shockingly, they get to the airport without her vanity causing any major accidents. They choose the pilot holding the NORTH sign as the SOUTH pilot walks off dejected. I'm confused why neither pilot is her "good friend" Jake Pavelka.

The private jet takes them to San Francisco. Their choices are "Golden Gate Bridge" or "Lombard Street" I think it should have been

"Alcatraz" or "Eat Rice-A-Roni & go see the Full House house."

ABC is lucky I'm giving out all of these million dollar ideas for free!

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They have a picnic over looking the bridge & spend the whole date just talking about the choices they have already made. Does one of you have dementia? Why do you have to keep reminding each other of what you did an hour ago? You're not the fucking old couple in The Notebook.

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-How are his fingers not bloody by now?!-

Back at the house the doofi are STILL practicing the JoJo song like they're in Pitch Perfect getting ready for nationals. Everyone that is except for The Chad & Damn Daniel. They're in the gazebo & you can tell that Daniel idolizes Chad. As soon as he saw Chad wearing army pants & flip flops a black tank top, he wore a black tank top. Canadian couldn't even get this right & instead just looks like he's wearing one of those old timey bathing suits.

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The Chad: "I always tell girls to stay away from the nice guys! Everyone thinks I'm an asshole, but in the end I'm actually nice. The nice guys are the ones who are ACTUALLY the assholes."

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Clearly Chad has read my blog as I said in The Bachelor Finale recap post Plain Cheeseburger in Paradise where I wrote:

"Pillow is a SEEMINGLY nice guy, which I think is even worse than outright bad guys. Because at least with bad guys you know what you’re getting into & they don’t make any promises, with seemingly good guys it’s always worse because it comes out of nowhere so you didn’t have time to prepare & book therapy appointments in advance."

The Chad then says, "If you were making a protein shake out of the dudes here & then blended them up, half that protein shake wouldn't work, like have zero chance!"

I mean he's right, half the house IS unemployed.

JoJo & Jim Halpert are on their dinner date where of course neither of them has eaten. He tells her that her shoes & dress are sparkly just in case she already forgot what she was wearing. They have the same conversation for now the 4th time as they just repeat all the choices they made. Jim needs to start making faces at the camera because this shit is boring. You know it's bad when you're wishing they would go back to the guy making protein shake analogies.

She asks him what happened with his last relationship & he says it was 4 years ago and how he's never spoken to anyone about it – that seems healthy! He says how he's shut down & how it's hard to open up – that's supposed to be Jojo's thing! She says how Bracelet said he loved her & then chose someone else – glad you repeated the story because we had completely forgotten.

She says how she completely shut down after that, wow that must have been a hard two weeks for you between shooting. After hearing that very private & personal story Jim says "I finally feel safe to... to share my story with someone else." Jim your story didn't involve you having to show a therapist on a doll where someone touched you, you were just cheated on.

So he's getting over his ex who had another guy in her life — by dating a girl with 24 other guys in her life. Immersion therapy, brilliant!

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                                         -Mandatory forced ESPN cross over-

The next day is the group date & they arrive at the ESPN building, producers are really trying to entertain the husbands who are being forced to watch this show. They walk in on who I assume are famous sportscasters "filming" Sports Nation with JoJo as a co-anchor, as she gives her opinions on sports ball (that were written for her in the teleprompter.)

I like how the sportscasters both cool guy Jordan Rodgers & don't acknowledge who he is at all.

The challenge is to do a touch down dance with a giant rose. Most of the V-Necks do a bucking bronco dance that's as original as the JoJoJo lyrics. Alex the marine uses the rose as a machine gun, not technically a dance but a good alternative to showing people you don't have to own real guns you can just use giant floral props instead, I like his subliminal message that we need stricter gun laws in America.

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                     -Did he borrow Hipsters jeans?!-

Aaron Rodgers’ brother decides to lasso the rose and slides on the ground and then whines about how he didn't calculate the rug burn he'd get from his jeans & how he needs to ice his knees when he gets home. I'm starting to understand why he is a "former quarterback" keep in mind Wells almost had a heart attack and didn't complain once.

The Chad does a terrible cartwheel & then picks JoJo up and spins her around, the sportscasters yell "Hands off the merchandise!" And who says this show isn't empowering to women?!

The guys are annoyed that Chad touched the merchandise & all shake their heads & boo, yeah hands off you're devaluing the price! I feel bad for Alex in the group shot because you can really tell how short he is compared to everyone else; he looks like every ones little brother who just tagged along.

Next challenge is to spin till you're dizzy & then propose to her. The Chad stands on the side & comments how they are making a joke out of the whole thing – OK just like Farmers Only taking the rescue too seriously you do realize this ISN'T a real proposal right? The giant paperweight ring didn't tip you off?

Chad’s proposal is "Will you marry me" which he says as a statement. She asks him where was all the stuff about what you love about me? And he says, "Well in that moment you would already know that" Chad's the type of guy who would go to a magic show and yell "FAKE!"

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She asks him again to tell her what he loves about her & he says, "You're coming off a little naggy." You can tell that the book "The Game" is his Bible.

Next they have to do a mock press conference & answer questions like "what do you love about JoJo?" Big surprise Ugly Chris Pratt uses his press conference to sing his answers, just in case you forgot he's a singer/songwriter.

This show is literally Burning Love.

We have the guy who only sings for every scene & we have Chad who is a real life Blaze.

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Next question-Who should JoJo NOT pick and everyone answers "Chad"-

It's Chad’s turn & he says he can't answer what he loves about her because he doesn't know her & all the other guys have just said things they've learned from studying her on TV & are trying to kiss up.

They ask him who he thinks is here for the wrong reasons & he answers "everyone"-

That's not true! Ugly Chris Pratt is here to get a record deal & Jordan is here to remind everyone that Aaron Rodgers has a brother!

The Chad says how right now he can't say that he wants to marry her & that she's the greatest girl he's ever met because they just met 2 days ago, and the guys who are saying that are either lying or complete psychopaths.

The guys look stunned that they were called out & the sportscasters look stunned that he's so aware of how ridiculous this whole series is.

I have only watched Bracelet’s season & now this one but Chad is my favorite contestant ever (Olivia's Mouth 2nd, Lace 3rd). I don't get why every person on twitter hates him, he's not wrong. Yes he's taking this challenge way too seriously but the fact these guys actually say how much they've fallen for her already during their confessionals at the house is completely insane.

Imagine if you just met a guy for the first time and then the very next day you were both at the same party & he was raging because he saw you talking to another guy you would block him from your phone immediately & tell all your friends that if you ever go missing to check his apartment for your remains.

I know he's this season’s villain but he isn't saying anything that Bethenny Frankel wouldn't, they're both huge assholes who roast everything & everyone around them. He just does it with protein powder instead of SkinnyGirl. JoJo actually seems impressed with his honesty & you have to admit it's refreshing to see one of these contesticles say something else besides the same rehearsed lines that have been used for 12 seasons.

I just love him because he's the only person who acknowledges how fucking horrible the singing is.

All the other guys think this is finally what’s going to take him down now that Jojo & the sportscasters have seen the "real" him. Alex the child size James Marsden seems to hate him the most. You can tell that he wants to take the giant rose & jab Chad’s eyes out but he can't because he only comes up to his belly button.

The sportscasters give their rankings

1. Ugly Chris Pratt-the sportscasters say how talented he is (obviously they haven't heard the Jo Jo song yet) 2. The Chad 3. Lil' James Marsden

I wish we could have seen where they ranked the other six guys. Lil James Marsden is more upset than happy about being in top 3. “Getting third hurts a lot because Chad got second. It just doesn’t sit right with me. It makes me mad to think that I’m even associated to a man like that.” Associated? It wasn't a list of what 3 guys are most alike. Calm down.

For our cocktail party we are at some weird garden & I'm not sure if anyone else saw this in the exterior shots but-

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WTF is this?!?!

Ugly Chris Pratt tells her "A smile is the only thing you can see on the outside that comes from the inside."

- so apparently he's never ejaculated, thankfully there’s a boner specialist who can help him. He asks if he can read her a poem (oh god the 2nd worst thing besides singing). He reads from a crumpled piece of paper a paragraph about himself and it doesn't even fucking rhyme! Oh well at least he didn't sing it. The "poem" makes her cry or maybe she just caught glimpse of that terrifying statue.

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Next up is Lil' James Marsden. The producers make them sit on a giant chair or maybe it’s just a regular chair & he's that small, I honestly can't tell. He looks like a miniature Disney Prince, he's Prince Eric and Chad is Gaston.

It's now Chad's turn. He mentions that he owns a yorkie that he inherited from his mom who died 6 months ago but quote "she died but I can’t dwell on it, besides I got an AWESOME dog out of it." Is it Brian from Family Guy? I'm starting to think he pulled a "Menendez Brothers" just to get the dog.

JoJo is really into him "opening up to her" & isn't alarmed at all that he joined a reality show 6 months after his mother died & that he has eyes like a shark. She's into douchebags, remember last season during her hometown visit when her ex tried to get her back? His name was Chad Roadstool, which is the second douchiest name on the planet after Chad Johnson. They kiss in front of a wishing well & all the guys are wishing Samara from The Ring would crawl out & kill him and his neck beard.

Back at the house it's the night of the rose ceremony & all the guys are sitting in the family room talking about The Chad (at least it's not that fucking song), they talk about Chad way more than they talk about Jojo, if I were her I'd be pissed. While everyone is talking about him he goes outside at the very moment her limo is pulling up, Chad’s (the producers) timing is impeccable!

Him & Blowout walk in together & the guys go crazy. As soon as she walks out of the room Lil' James Marsden asks The Chad to step away from the meat plate in the kitchen because the group needs to talk to him. Chad walks up holding a mountain of cold cuts so big it looks like he's a cater waiter. GI Joe starts asking rapid fire questions-

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What’s up with what happened?

(Chad just stares eating meat)

You were outside?! How did that happen?

Chad- I just walked through the door to the outside

(He smirks as little Disney Prince gets more & more upset)

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Did you talk to her?

(Chad just stares, eating more meat)

What did you say?

(more smirking, more meat)

Don't you think it's odd that out of all people YOU were outside?

(more smirking, more meat)

Why is your tie the same color as her dress?

(more smirking, more meat)

WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU SAY TO HER?!?

The Chad is loving this almost as much as he loves the entire Boars Head deli section he just ate. Once he sees that the group hates him even more now, he makes it his personal mission to interrupt all of their time with her as much as possible.

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We cut to Jojo & Chase sitting by the fireplace (whose Chase again? He's the ugly Jordan Rodergs) and suddenly they have "snow" falling on them-WAIT WHAT!? This is so wacky and unexpected! Snow? But we're INDOORS!!!

At first I thought it was Hipster standing over them shaking out his dandruff – it's actually sadder that it was an intern having to stand on a ladder & sprinkle fake snow. Jojo is also forced by the producers to wear mittens and they REALLY compliment her sequin evening gown. Ugh, all this wacky producer effort for a guy who won't even make it to the first trip? As horrible as this is to watch, at least it's not the fucking singing.

Chad has made his 5th plate of meat. He's eaten more in one episode than any of the girls ate all of last season. He sees Jojo talking to Disney Prince Jr. & goes up and says the signature line of the series "Can I steal you for a minute?" James Marsden is even more furious then when the park employee tells him that he can't ride the roller coaster because of the height requirements.

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Disney Prince JR confessional: “It’s something right out of a horror film in my perspective that he came up and cut me off during my small amount of time I had with her.” You know, that famous scene from The Exorcist where they interrupt each other?!

He gathers the other contesticles together & as soon as they see The Chad heading back for his 9th trip to the kitchen they decide to try the group confrontation thing again – yes because he was so affected by it the first time...

They surround him & we think they're really going to go for it this time, instead it's this

Handsome Sqidward: “You’ve been crushing the food.” Lil James Marsden: “You’re crushing the time, dude.” Jim Halpert: “You got after it tonight.” Then they complain that Chad doesn’t care about them.

He gives them a giant shit eating grin & says, "You're right, I don't care" & stuffs more food in his face.

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They're so frustrated that he isn't reacting that finally Jim Halpert yells, "This isn't funny! STOP SMILING!"

When you scream at someone "stop smiling!" that just causes them to smile even more.

The Chad's confessional “Whenever they came up to me to talk to me, they’re like the most vague bullshit ever. It was basically just like, ‘Hey, you hurt our feelings. We’re a bunch of butt-hurt dudes who are gonna confront you slightly.’ It was like watching Westside Story. Like, a bunch of dudes just like… surrounding me, man.

"When you're a Chad you're a Chad all the way!"

You have to admit, his confessionals are hilarious, I'm also very impressed that he's a musical theater fan.

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The Chad Confessional: “I don’t care if I’m best friends with every guy here. Number one, that’s not why I’m here. Number two, it’s only fun to mess with people when they get upset… So I think I’ll have one last little bit of conversation.” as he slowly puts more meat in his mouth, it's his version of the Dr. Evil pinky.

He interrupts more one-on-one time & Lil James Marsden is now redder than Wells' face during that fire fighter challenge.

Lil James Marsden Confessional -“If Chad gets a rose tonight, it means that everything that I think that that rose stands for is degraded.That rose is supposed to symbolize, that like, one of the best bachelors in the country is receiving that. It’s supposed to symbolize that you’re a good guy and you’re here for the right reasons. But it’s gonna represent, just garbage if she gives him that rose.”

It's not a medal of honor, it's a rose from 1-800 flowers & all it means is that the producers need you for screen time for another week.

I love that The Chad & Lil James Marsden were both marines, which I think is one of the reasons Disney Prince JR is so obsessed with him. The Chad is his personal war.

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It's the Pro Flowers rose ceremony & The Chad is eating meat the whole time-this is the best rose ceremony that will ever happen in the history of this horrible show. As she gives out the roses The Chad notes in a voiceover "I don't even know who some of the guys are getting the roses" which you have to admit that's what every audience member is thinking. I honestly thought one of them was just a dressed up PA who walked into the shot.

The last rose goes to The Chad. She sends Hipster, Bachelor Super Fan & some guy who we didn't even bother to know his fake job title home. I wonder how many things Bachelor Super Fan took from the set & how many times he tried to get Chris Harrison to do the out going message on his phone.

The Chad says in his confessional that "She only gave a rose to Alex so America doesn't think she hates short people." 

Erectile Dysfunction is not happy The Chad got a rose “I wish she had told him to get the freak out!” 

Ugh. Barf. I actually think I know who would be perfect for this gonad-they both share the same Kidz Bop cuss word vocabulary & love of Big Bang Theory, you guessed it!

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The Chads' End Confessional -“All these guys just trying to compete for Jojo and falling over each other, making fools of themselves, I’m not impressed. It’s a parade of losers. God, they’re gonna write so many more songs, they’re gonna write poems. I will not write her a song about how much I love her. I’m gonna have some protein shakes, keep working out, keep eating food"

The look of disgust on his face when he says "God, they’re gonna write so many more songs, they’re gonna write poems" is priceless.

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Is The Chad an asshole? Is he right about almost everything? YES.

Thank you reality tv gods for the gift of The Chad. Last year we had Olivia & her cankles, this year we have Chad & his protein powder. Yes, Chad is the kind of guy that will say, "she'll have the salad" while on a date but he is the only thing that makes this show worth watching. Well Kittens I'm off to see how well Jo Jo Jo is doing on the iTunes chart.

Tell me in the comments who you think is grosser

The Chad or Wormy Boner guy who has 3 kids? (I think we all know my answer)

I love you for reading!

XOXO

A.

the bachelorette

Bachelorette Ep.1-Santas,Unicorns & Boners

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Last year we saw JoJo aka Brunette Isla Fisher be broken up with on national TV by Ben Higgins – the human bowl of oatmeal. I would be more embarrassed that I actually competed for a man who wore an inspirational bracelet & had a giant scripture tattoo longer than the Declaration of Independence.

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We open with her doing the stereotypical scene of walking around in deep thought & self-reflection, because you always do that in the garden of what looked like an assisted living facility. She sits on 3 different benches while gazing out at nothing. We have already had 5 close up shots just of shrubbery. This show could be 4o minutes shorter if they took out all the close-ups of flowers, the ocean & Google Earth shots of the house. We're aware of what the outside looks like. More deep in thought walking on the beach in a bikini & sitting on the most jagged, uncomfortable looking rock in the ocean, then her staring out in an abandoned lifeguard shack in a floor length dress, ya know what you always wear to a beach that's completely abandoned like there's been a riptide warning?

Kris Jenner's best friend aka Chris Harrison does his 2 minutes of work for the episode by introducing the bachelor contestants’ video packages. Chris has the easiest job in Hollywood besides Giuliana Rancic’s personal chef.

Last season, we were introduced to 26 different bandage dresses – now let’s meet the 26 men in suits from Macy's who are here to promote their businesses & get an interesting credit to add to their Tinder bio.

Grant- He's a firefighter, whose face makes no geometric sense. I don't see the big deal about dating a firefighter, after you go visit him at the station and slide down the pole one time then what else is there? We see him pensively posing in full uniform outside the station. He just looks like an actor taking different looks for his headshot. "I hope JoJo lights my fire" - and with that line I hope the rest of the guys at the station dump the pot of chili they're making on your head. Get the fire hose & drench him because this boy is thirsty.

Imagine being pulled out of a fire & waking up trying to figure out how handsome squidward is giving you mouth to mouth.

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Jordan- Stevie Wonder could see that this guy will be the winner. He's Aaron Rodgers’ brother who I guess is a professional football player? The only way I know a sports player is if they've dated a Kardashian or have been on Dancing with The Stars.

He looks like a retired Abercrombie & Fitch model & his sob story is how hard it was to have Aaron for an older brother but how he still overcame his struggle of being a handsome white man in this country & played for 3 NFL teams. The movie The Blindside should have been about him!

His pensive scene is him standing out in the pouring rain dramatically looking at an empty high school football field. I'm surprised Pillow didn't make an appearance, we all remember how he was a high school quarterback because he mentioned it no less than 100 times last season. He too loved to hang around high schools, if they looked like Steve Buscemi & were hanging around at high schools, they would be arrested.

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James- The Bachelor Superfan, yes that's his actual job title. As sad as I feel looking at him I'm thrilled to know that being a superfan of a tv show qualifies as an occupation! In that case I have more jobs than Ryan Seacrest. It would explain why I'm so exhausted from doing nothing but watching 14 hours of tv a day from my couch, I'm a single mom of 3 (cats) working my ass off!

Superfan talks about how he has bachelorette viewing parties at his house – they show a clip of the "viewing party" and its him & two other people – that’s not a party, that is barely enough people to qualify for a booth at a restaurant. He has a picture of Chris Harrison in his room & is practicing "I accept this rose" over & over in the mirror. He seems like the type of guy who would have a model train collection & send love letters to female prisoners.

Evan- Former pastor turned erectile dysfunction doctor, I mean if anything makes you lose your boner it’s going to church (unless you're a Catholic priest). They show him in his office & pixilated Trey MacDougal – what’s more embarrassing, the world knowing you can't get it up or that your health insurance is so bad that your only option is to go to a doctor that's competing on a reality show.

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Christian- Wakes up at 3:30 am & goes to Crossfit, I would have eliminated him before his video package even finished.

Luke- War Veteran/farmer – we see him go to an abandoned pasture in the middle of nowhere to visit a single grave plaque that he decorates with those tiny American flags you give to children to wave at 4th of July. Why aren't they using him for those Farmersonly.com commercials?

This video package is like a well-shot Armed Forces recruitment video – we've had a marine, coast guard & war veteran – the only branch we haven't seen so far is the Salvation Army.

We have a firefighter, soldier, football player all the jobs that are used for stripper costumes in Thunder from Down Under. Video montage is over & we see the best walking advertisement for DryBar blowouts get out of her limo. She looks like a Miss USA contestant, at least she'll look amazing when she has to fake laugh & pretend to enjoy all these hilarious hijinks the producers planned for the first meeting.

She yells, "Bring on the men!" You mean bring on the guys who chose to leave their jobs for 3 months to be on tv & have access to an open bar? The only thing more annoying than a bachelorette party are the contestants for the bachelorette.

Aaron Rodgers’ brother gets out first & honestly the rest of the limos should have just driven away, what's the point? JoJo looks at him & lights up the way I do when I see a pizza. You could basically see the hearts coming out of her eyes like a cartoon. She hugs him 4 times and keeps saying the same thing over & over between nervous giggling "Are you excited?! You look so good! Wow you just look so nice." After he walks away she mouths, "he's hot" to the camera people. You break that 4th wall!

Derrek- Aka Jim from the office who got a spray tan before leaving Dunder Mifflin & Pam.

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Robby- Job title "Former competitive swimmer" – here’s hoping he didn't compete against Ryan Lochte at the Special Olympics. He brings a bottle of wine & we have our first prop of the night. It's a callback to the best scene of last season when JoJo's overly botoxed mom was swigging right from the bottle. It's a crime they didn't put her on Real Housewives of Dallas, that way people would have actually watched it.

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Will- He looks like an adult version of Luke from Modern Family who did not age well. Prop #2 he has index cards that he drops like he's one of the 3 stooges- "WHOAHHH! My cards!" He says how he wrote the cards because he knew he would be nervous "I have no idea what order there in! (reading from the cards) Hi JoJo I have no doubt in my mind that – I am the most beautiful girl in the world-WAIT WHAT!?"

ZOINKS! Well, if he doesn't make it on this show he has a good shot at being the adult on a Nickelodeon show.

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Daniel- Someone call FEMA because he is a disaster. Where do I even begin? He looks like he does street magic & he's dressed like he's the host at Carrabba’s Grill.

1) His opening line is "Damn JoJo....at it again being the bachelorette"

- Get it?! Because his name is Daniel? And there was that viral video from months ago where they said Damn Daniel? Remember that you guys?!

Any viral video that isn't a lion being set free then reunited with his owners 15 years later I have no interest in. It also brings up PTSD from "Charlie Bit My finger" which is one of those lines that will haunt me for the rest of my life. In college, my boyfriend’s name was Charlie & he too thought using a line from a YouTube video made him Louis CK.

2) His job title is "Canadian" – well that would explain why he's so weird. My money was on home schooled.

Ali- The lovechild of Nev Schulman & Aladdin whose eyebrows weigh more than JoJo.

James Taylor- That’s his real name. I know James Taylor is a musician that "real" music fans think of as a god, but for me I can't name you one song – if it wasn't on NSYNC cd or performed on Glee I don't know it.

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He has an acoustic guitar & looks like a poor man's Chris Pratt (old Chris Pratt not new Chris Pratt). Having a man sing to me on acoustic guitar is one of my worst nightmares. As soon as I see a guitar in a guys apartment it's a red flag, I'd rather see a sex doll than see a wooden torture device that you'll use to play the only 3 shitty chords of Wonder Wall you know over & over again. I wish she would have taken the guitar and smashed it or put it in front of the limo so it would be run over.

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Jonathan- He is wearing a kilt & tells her "I'm half Chinese & half Scottish – but luckily for you I'm half Scottish below the waist." She awkwardly giggles & asks, "What does that mean?"

At least he didn't add to it by saying, "Well thank god it wasn't me driving the limo! Also, if you have any dogs or cats keep them away from me"

He walks into the house & the guys react to him wearing the kilt as if he was wearing a TRUMP shirt & crocs. They all complain separately about how desperate that is & why would you embarrass yourself like that – there are 77 mirrors in this house, go take a hard look at yourselves & where you are. The signature scent of the mansion is Axe body spray & desperation.

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Saint Nick- Job title, Father Christmas

He gets out of the limo in a full Santa outfit & instead of saying HoHoHo he changed it to "Jo Jo Jo!" very clever! If I were her I would have screamed "I'm a Jehovah’s Witness!"

I'm sure all the flyover states are relieved that Santa is here & hopefully that will help them get over the outrage of the war on Christmas via the Starbucks cups. I hope we have a Jewish contestant who shows as the Hanukkah armadillo.

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He gives her a present out of his sack & so far he's my favorite contestant. Who doesn't love an old man who gives you things?

Here are some other terrible opening lines-

"I MUSTACHE you a question, but I think I'm going to SHAVE it for later" - I hope your barber is Sweeny Todd.

"I'm in real estate & I hope I’ll be the one to take you off the market" – do all your pick up lines come from Night at the Roxbury?

I consider JoJo a war veteran – where's her purple heart for surviving all these one liner bombs?

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One gives her a giant stuffed heart that looks like he spent $150 trying to win it in a carnival game.

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Brandon- Job: Hipster (aka unemployed ex barista who has an extensive suspender & fedoras collection). "I didn't watch last season I know nothing about you." See how hipster he is? He's too cool to watch tv, he's to busy riding a bicycle that has one giant wheel.

Chad (the clear villain of the season) sits in the house & judges everyone's entrance, "When I came on here I thought it was going to be the top guy from each state."

WTF? Did you think it was a good-looking version of Congress & each state sends a representative? You also thought there would be 50 contestants?

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Evan- Erectile Dysfunction Specialist – the problem isn't his job, it's that he called her Girlie. Also his hair is as flaccid as the penis' he works on. He looks like he would play a child predator on Law & Order.

Wells- He brings an a cappella group to serenade her, I would die, this is even worse than when a group of reluctant waiters are forced to gather around your table & sing you happy birthday. The bright side is this is the most black people the Bachelorette has ever had on an episode – good for you ABC! Progress!

I hope they stick around and narrate every date like the chorus girls on Little Shop of Horrors.

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Luke- The war veteran/farmer from a small-town who looks like he'd be the lead character in a Nicholas Sparks movie shows up riding a unicorn. I'm surprised he doesn't have fireworks going off behind him and a bald eagle sitting on his shoulder. He deserves it not just for serving our country but also for not saying "You make me uni-horny." The only way he could impress me more is if he rode in on Li'l Sebastian.

The unicorn is the smartest one there as it takes a look at what’s going on & just walks off. Unicorns are more real than any of the guys’ motives in the house.

She walks into the house & the guys swarm her like ants on a piece of candy. It's my dream just being surrounded by people giving me compliments (that's the only reason I want a wedding, do you think I'm going to pass on a day where everyone is required to tell me I'm beautiful?!) Now its time to begin the "Can I steal you for a second?" which should be the title of the show, because it's said 100 times. JoJo is a human version of capture the flag.

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The marine & her sit on a bench & they zoom in on how his feet don't touch the ground. He has the looks of James Marsden with the body size of a GI Joe. This how I picture Mariah Carey working out, sitting in a gown drinking champagne while someone does all the work, he seems nice but I'm concerned that he's only 3 inches taller than the rose.

JoJo complains how nervous all the men are, yeah why are you guys nervous it's just a gorgeous girl in front of you, 6 camera men, 15 producers & 3 boom mic operators following you around. What’s the problem!

Some of these men have risked their lives in combat, one goes into burning houses for a living but when faced with a hot girl with great boobs they lose their fucking minds.

I am glad there's firefighter in the house just based on how many candles they have lit in this gaudy mansion that looks like it was decorated by one of the Real Housewives of the Orange County.

Jordan (the only one who isn't shaking like a cold Chihuahua) takes her outside. He's the Ryan Gosling of the house, effortlessly charming & cool without being cheesy. He hasn't mentioned he's Aaron Rodgers brother since he's been in the house. I met Aubrey O’Day from Danity Kane once at an airport and that's normally my party story as soon as I enter a room. They have such chemistry & they are just about to kiss when fucking Index Card guy interrupts them. It was like when Ariel & Prince Eric are about to kiss in the lagoon & the eels knock over the boat.

Index Cards takes her aside & does the folded paper game you would do at recess (this guy LOVES paper props). She picks red, probably because it's the same color as a STOP sign, which is what her face is begging him to do. He lifts it up & it says, "It says kiss so you have to kiss me." Yes, there's nothing more romantic than instructing a girl she has to be physical with you.

JoJo has the same look on her face as when you get a kiss on the lips from your creepy uncle who wears Tommy Bahama shirts to every family reunion. I give her so much credit not only is she a pageant queen but she also wins Miss Congeniality. How she hasn't laughed in their faces or stabbed her own eyes out with the unicorn horn I have no idea.

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Thankfully, her night in shining Brooks Brothers jacket Jordan comes to save her (all be it 30 seconds too late) & takes her outside again because he regrets that he didn't get to kiss her. It's so obvious that JoJo is ready to make the broom closet the fantasy suite & ride him like he's her personal unicorn. They have a kiss that has more chemistry than any of the scenes in 50 Shades of Grey. They start dancing by the fountain & I'm sure she's wondering if the ex-pastor/erectile dysfunction doctor can come out & marry them right now.

Chris Harrison walks in with the first impression rose & you can tell he's exhausted from those 15 steps he just took.

It’s now Chad the season’s villain to have his time with her. Chad is like every jock villain from every high school movie you've ever seen combined. He's attractive, has more confidence than a fat drag queen & is also an insane, psychopathic narcissist. He says how "It's hard to find girls who are confident, most girls are too worried about themselves but its obvious you're not thinking about you." Yeah probably because she's too busy thinking she should cover her champagne glass before you put a roofie in it.

Chad is the real life Chad Radwell from Scream Queens – but even more ridiculous.

"I’m pretty confident that if I wanted her, I could have her, I'm a manlier version of Ben. I'm just a supple, smooth type of guy."

Chad is the type of guy who in college probably got his entire fraternity kicked off campus for accidentally killing a pledge during hazing. As if we didn't think he was disgusting before, he described himself as supple.

Just like every romantic movie villain, the girl thinks he's charming & only the guys see the truth but she won't realize it till half way through the season. If Oklahoma wanted a reason not to outlaw abortion, just look at Chad.

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Professional Canadian has his time with her (as if JoJo hasn't suffered enough for one night). He tells her he's never been to Texas because he's Canadian. It's not North Korea you can come & go whenever you want.

He asks her if she understood his "joke" when he came out about the "Damn JoJo". He then decides to explain the joke & why it was "funny" – ahh yes normally fully explaining a joke does make it funnier.

"Have you ever seen that viral video on YouTube damn daniel?" she has no idea what he's talking about.

"Have you been following the internet the last couple of months?"

Yeah JoJo have you looked at it on your iTelephone? Get on it! I feel like this world-wide-web thing is about to take off, get in now while there's still time to get a good AOL screen name!

If he had any self-awareness he would say, "Well this isn't going well eh? Ok I think its aboot time I take my zamboni and get oout of here."

People with aspergers are watching him thinking "He has no social skills."

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He then gets drunk & pokes erectile dysfunction guy in the stomach likes he's a wormy looking Pillsbury Doughboy. He then decides to take his shirt off & starts flexing like a hydroxicut commercial. He looks at the camera with the intensity of Tom Cruise & the madness of Gary Busey. It's very clear he's American Canadian Psycho. He strips down to his underwear and dives into the pool.

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The guys are all drinking like college kids on St Patrick's Day, and two even walk into the room while JoJo’s taping her confessional. I don't know what 911 call will be made first – someone having alcohol poisoning or someone being attacked by Chad.

Nev Schulman/Aladdin takes her & plays the piano that just happens to be conveniently located outside. This show has had more musical numbers than the Tony's.

Jordan gets the first impression rose – can we just save time and also give him the fantasy suite key & Neil Lane ring so we don't have to drag this out?

It comes time for the rose ceremony where she asks the big question "Will you accept this rose from 7-11"

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As we begin we have a surprise guest – Jake Pavelka. Remember the airplane pilot & former Bachelor from umpteenth seasons ago.

**I actually met Jake at one of my comedy shows, he came to see one of my friends who was on the show with me . He came in an hour late and was still in his pilots uniform, even though he told us he had just come from his hotel, so he had time to change clothes but didn't. I sat & had drinks with him & my girlfriend & he was perfectly fine with me verbally assaulting him and telling him how awful he was on Dancing with The Stars & how the most I had ever seen of the Bachelor was when The Soup would play clips of him being a douchebag. I made fun of him for 2 straight hours & he still paid for my multiple orders of fries, so I have nothing bad to say about him. He told me I was funny which is my favorite quality in a person**

He takes her outside for what the producers set up to be him asking her if he can join the men & then the surprise twist is- he's here to give advice! Oh you guys, you had us!!!!

She comes back to the men & explains Jake & I are old friends & he just came by to talk to me. Ya know, how all your old friends stop by in a full suit & mic pack at 4am.

Most shocking moment of the ceremony is that she keeps Canadian. DAMN, DANIEL. BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH THAT PRODUCER'S PICK ROSE.

She cuts Scasian & other guys who all look the same that we don't remember. By the time they walk outside its daylight, that's how long the first night was. Whose president? Are their flying cars yet? Has the Internet thing become big enough yet for non-Canadians to know about it?

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I think they're missing a big opportunity by not playing this during every elimination ceremony.

Well kittens, that was just 2 hours of the 168 more that this season will take from our lives. What are your thoughts? Who do you like, but more importantly who do you hate? Do you think Olivia Munn will be on the hometown date because she's dating Aaron Rodgers? When will JoJo's crazy overly protective brothers move in?

Based on this episode the only competition Jordan has is with that unicorn.

I love you more than Chad loves steroids!

XOXO

A.

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