We open back up on last weeks cliffhanger of Jojo aka Brunette Isla Fischer planning to send Non Blinking Luke home but right before the Pro Flowers rose ceremony he pulls her outside & tells her that he loves her. After this new revelation from the producers Luke, Blow Out squats in her electric blue sequin gown hyperventilating.
"What if I'm making a mistake & I'm saying goodbye to him too soon?"
Calm down, you're not having to choose whether or not to pull the plug on your grandfather, you're just having to decide which guy is out of the running to be with you on the cover of US Weekly.
We're still in the Casablanca meets Men's Warehouse commercial airplane hangar. I'm hoping Robby the former competitive swimmer/current homosexual is looking at the planes & considering a job as a male flight attendant. I think he would be perfect except for the part that requires working.
Blow Out walks back in & the roses are on an old, weathered suitcase like it's a prop piece from Raiders of the Lost Arc. I'm sure after the ceremony Robby will enquire what antique shop they bought it from.
Aaron Rodgers' brother gets the first rose-obviously. He's gotten the first rose since episode 1, that's not a sign at all.....
It comes down between Chase the Mongoloid & Luke the Non Blinker. They're very similar, both have the facial expressions of a wall & both talk like they have saran wrap covering their mouths.
She decides to give the final rose to the human Ambient pill Chase & you can almost hear every woman in middle America gasp.
Luke who looks like a real life Dragon Ball Z character is shocked. Now there's absolutely no chance of his eyes ever closing. Blow Out is "crying"even though we don't see any runny mascara,streaked foundation or even fluid coming out of her eyes.
Non Blinker's vocal fry is tuned up 100 notches now "This isn't supposed to happennn, this shouldn'tttt be happening right nowwwww"
Even though he never blinked once this whole season he still never saw this coming. Which is pretty amazing being that his eyes look in two different directions at once.
NB- Youuu didn't want me anymorreeee
BO-No it's not that at all!
Actually that's exactly what it is.
The rejection limo pulls up & they cling to each other like velcro.
Blow Out (still tearless) wailes "I'm going to miss you!!! I miss you already! I don't want this to happen I know it has to but I don't want this to be happening right now I'm not ready to say goodbye to you"
She sounds like every mother dropping their kid off at college.
NB- “I just can’t believe that I like, squandered it away. Like I had no clue I was doing that… I thought that like when I kissed you, I thought that when I looked in your eyes, I thought the times we had, like that magic, was real.”
Blow Out- “It was real.”
You can almost hear the clicks of Nicholas Sparks' keyboard as he types this scene word for word into his new screenplay.
I was really hoping for Non Blinker to say "I don't know how to quit you!"before he got into the long,black, mechanical horse. I feel like it was a missed opportunity.
Blow Out- between gasps for air "I'm just trying to follow my gut!"
Your gut wasn't telling you to dump Luke, that was the producers! What your gut IS telling you is
"FEEEED ME! I'm starving! I've been living off champagne & men's saliva for the past 8 weeks! Feed meeeee!!!!"
I like to imagine her gut's voice sounds just like the plant from Little Shop of Horrors.
She is gown squatting again looking like Miss USA doing a Rain Man impression.She just keeps repeating the same sentence over & over "what if that was a mistake?...What if that was a mistake? What did I.....What if that was a mistake?!"
Um, it was more of a mistake making out with Evelyn the boner specialist on camera.
We have the loser limo cam confessional of Dead Eyes & he says what I imagine is a Pinterest quote you would see on one of those black & white beach pictures.
"I was in love with her, but I never got the chance TO love her"
I was waiting for him to follow it with" And what hurts the most, was being so close,and having so much to say and watching her walk away..."
Women from all the flyover states, please don't be sad. This is just the beginning for him. Think of how many Farmers Only.com commercials he's going to book from this! If he doesn't get chosen as the next Bachelor, I guarantee the CMT channel is going to scoop him up & give him his own dating show called "Luke-ing for Love"
It's pretty amazing that in just one commercial break she goes from saying that "her heart is broken" to yelling "I'm in beautiful Thailand!!!!.
The producers REALLY want to get the point across that she still has to choose between 3 men so for the next 5 minutes we have "pondering" shots.
We see her look out over 8 different window balconies, pondering. We see her walking along the beach in a bikini, pondering. We see her touch random, public statues while pondering. I can't even count the number of times I've had to make a polygamy decision & what I've found always helps me is walking around aimlessly while touching public statues in 100 degree heat.
What she should be pondering about is how she has probably contracted MRSA by all the random shit she's touched in a foreign country. Howie Mandel would be vomiting if he were watching this.
I feel like I'm in Stings house because 15 minutes into the show & we have already seen 100 Buddha statues.
She says in her confessional "I just can't wait to meet the locals and be with them & experience their culture!" Oh yeah Jojo! I'm sure you're gonna have a big kiki with the locals of a town where everyone is living under the poverty level. You're not Angelina Jolie.
Implants really wants to "experience the culture" & she's in luck! Because she's staying at the very exotic Marriott resort! How culturally authentic!
This is already my favorite episode of the whole season because it has monkeys!
(In case you don't know my career goal in life's just to be famous enough to be a guest on the Wendy Williams Show & to own a monkey, so I really need you guys to spread this blog like herpes k?)
First date we have is former swimmer/current homosexual Robby. They meet in the local farmers market, but instead of organic fruit & flower arrangements this market sells octopus heads & malaria nets.
He decides to do his best Jerry Seinfeld impression & greets her with the opening line of "And you thought FLORIDA was hot!!" .....
Well, we can add "comedian" to his list of failed careers.
Blow Out of course laughs like he's the white Chris Rock. They talk about the weather for most of the date like they're two retirees in Boca Raton. They go through the market as the locals in the background look on in confusion. I'm pretty sure the locals think they're shooting another Hangover sequel & are confused as to why Bradley Cooper looks so bad.
They keep talking about how hot it is which is weird because neither of their hair styles have changed. You would assume the humidity & 95 degree weather would make all of his hair gel melt down his body, which I'm sure wouldn't really bother him. He looks like he's very comfortable having sticky substances all over his face & chest, but the hair stays exactly in place. Proving more & more that he's a Ken Doll.
Blow Out's hair also stays perfect. How does her hair still look like she just walked out of a Dry Bar? It should look like Monica's from the Friends episode where they all went to the Bahamas.
It starts pouring rain as they are in a hut getting foot massages.He keeps telling her how much he loves her & that she has NOTHING to worry about regarding his ex girlfriend and the timeline of their breakup & him applying for the show. Right after he says that we hear a loud crack of thunder because even God is laughing at what this over the hill twink is saying.
They kiss and he looks completely normal. He doesn't look like a stalker ex boyfriend in a Lifetime Logo movie at all!...
It's now time for the no eating dinner date. Can I note that during every single dinner date this whole season, Jojo & the contesticle walk up to the table & say the same thing
"Oh wow! Look at this, this is incredible!"
It's the same setup in literally every city you've been in! They put a ridiculously small circular table with a white table-cloth on it and a minimum of 9 useless candles. We always have two heaping plates of food that will never be touched. This show could single-handedly end world hunger just by donating all these date meals.
I will give credit to Implants, she knows how to fish for a compliment.
"So you told your family that you're in love with me? (beaming) What did they say about me?"
They said that you're beautiful,sweet & that you have the conversation skills and personality of a polite child. Oh never mind, that's just what I say about you.
He tells her "They all said that you were absolutely gorgeous & amazing! And each person in my family told me that they could totally see me & you, side by side together forever"
Um, maybe not side by side. But I could see you standing behind her chair with a curling iron in one hand & a Beauty Blender in the other.
Closeted Ken Doll then pulls one of the cheesiest & creepiest props the producers have ever come up with. He pulls out a folded piece of paper. He gets very serious & says
"I was getting changed for bed and I found this in the back pocket of my jeans, it's a letter my dad snuck in there & I had no idea"
I get an older man touching your ass is not a new sensation for you, but your jeans are spray painted on you. Your dad would have had to use the jaws of life to get that back pocket open.
And since that didn't happen, the producers gave you a legal pad & 3 minutes to scribble a note from your "Dad". It's like when you would forge your parents signature on a permission slip to go on a field trip, but this time it's a permission slip to get into the Fantasy Suite.
The forged letter reads
"Robby, I can tell you really love Jojo. Do not get down about all this negativity surrounding your past relationship. Stick to your plan and everything will work out. You are the man. I love you, Dad"
If that letter was really written by his dad it would have just said "I wish Michael Phelps had been my son instead of you"
Ken Doll says "I want you to keep that note, just in case you ever have any doubts or concerns about my feelings about you or the timeframe in which I was able to develop those, you can find comfort by looking at it anytime you need reassurance"
That's right girls! If you ever have any doubts about the guy you're dating being a fuck boy (or a boy who likes to fuck other boys) just read a note from his parents because they won't be biased at all!
She gives him the Fantasy Suite card because she wants to get back inside a room with air conditioning.
The "Fantasy Suite" is just a regular Marriott double suite with the same terrible hotel room artwork, the only difference is I don't see a TV! This isn't a fantasy, it's a nightmare.
I didn't think this could get worse, then he opens his mouth.
"Now I don’t have to dream about Jojo anymore. I get to dream with Jojo! I get to lay next to her, tell her goodnight & kiss her goodnight!"
Kissing & dreaming, because that's what every straight guy wants to do in bed with a girl they've been dating for 8 weeks & have only gotten to first base with!
They shut the door, we see the lights turn off & the producers zoom in on the "do not disturb"sign on the door. DO YOU GET IT ABC AUDIENCE !?!?!? They're in the "Fantasy Suite" with the lights off! They have a "Do not disturb" sign on the door that we zoomed in on! Do you get it? But do you guys get it?
After stock images of the moon & a romantic unlicensed song that ABC didn't have to pay for we have the "morning after" scene.
I'm sure Ken Doll woke up & went to the bathroom to put on concealer & fix his hair before getting back into bed before JoJo woke up.
They are having no eating breakfast in bed as production has put an entire fruit bar station at the bottom of the comforter. Why don't you give those plates of food to the monkeys? Or the locals? There is plenty of fruit in the bed already.
Whichever intern was in charge of set design for "morning after fake sex" decided to put Blow Out's heels on the nightstand. You know girls, how we always put our shoes on the table closet to where we sleep? Especially the shoes we've been wearing while walking outside in a 3rd world country?
You know they didn't have sex because their aren't spray tan stains on the sheets or makeup face prints on the pillows from either of them!
Like a hooker that's working tipple shifts, she has to get dressed & get ready to head off to her next date or her pimp Chris Harrison will slap her with his well manicured hand.
As she's getting ready Closeted Ken Dolls voiceover is
"I want to be the guy who is late to work bc he doesn't want to leave her in the morning & be the guy who leaves work early to rush back home to her"
So basically you don't ever want to have to be at work? Well good news Robby you can't be "late" to being a former swimmer.
As she walks out of the 2.5 star hotel he goes out on his balcony & just watches her. Barf. She awkwardly says "Ok...I'll see you later!" ya know after I sleep with the 2 other guys.
He purrs over the balcony
"Sooner rather than later, por favor?"
I didn't realize they spoke spanish in Thailand. If so, how do you say "jump off your balcony" ?
She goes back to her suite to shower off the second-hand stink of Axe body spray & get ready for the guy she's thought about having sex with since he first got out of the limo. It's time for the one with the famous brother that hates him!
They meet on the beach & after they kiss Notebook style she excitedly tells him "I planned a hike!"
Oh no. I would eliminate myself right there.
Aaron Rodger's brother doesn't seem pleased about the date activity & whines after only hiking up 4 steps. C'mon Jordan! At least this gets you in shape for when you go to training campooohhhh wait. Never mind.
They hike up a trail that has even more steps than Jordan's grooming routine.They go into a cave & I'm praying we have a reenactment of the scene from Ace Ventura when Nature Calls where Jim Carey goes into the bat cave.
The cave looks like they're going into Bruce Waynes underground layer. Blow Out says that she has to cover her shoulders now because there is a temple in the cave & quote
"Temples are sacred in this country"
Unlike temples everywhere else in the world....
I think it's ironic that she has to cover her shoulders but her Daisy Duke ass cheek shorts are fine.
***Not hating-if I had Jojo's body I'd be naked, I wouldn't care if I was in a regular cave temple or competing in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Fuck no I'm not going to wear that Red Jaguar t-shirt & dumb ass helmet, I'm not wearing anything but my mic pack! I want that creepy Olmec wall statue to see all of this body! Give the helmet to someone who needs it-like Chase.***
They sit down on the rock that looks like the one in that 147 hours movie & just talk about how much they hate that they're in a temple and can't make out & dry hump each other like all their other dates. No spelunking in the cave, you have to wait till the fantasy suite.
To distract himself from how blue his balls are getting, Jordan asks her about her family. Now this is what gets me sexually excited! I've been waiting for them to bring up her drunk,overly botoxed mom & psycho brothers all season! FINALLY!
Jo Bro- What's your family like?
Well, all of her family still talks to one another so they're totally different from yours.
Jordan stop pretending that you didn't watch last season! You know her family gave us the best GIF that will ever come out of this stupid franchise!
She tells him that her mom is "Really fun" & that her brothers are "very protective". Two of the bigger understatements in history. Her mom gave us the best Real Housewife of Texas audition tape I've ever seen while her brothers acted like they were from the Secret Service fraternity branch.
Jordan says how he has always wanted to be able to "look his future wife's dad in the eye & have him know I'm going to take care of his daughter"
Don't worry, I'm sure after meeting you her dad will know that you'll take care of his daughter(& her schedule of staged paparazzi pictures.)
At the waste of a dinner date Blow Out says that they haven't talked about what the future will look like. I'm hoping she's going to reveal that she's a doomsday prepper !
BO-What does the future look like for you?
Jimmy Newtron- uuummm......tough question to answer.
BO- that makes me nervous with your lifestyle & I don't want a long distance relationship
Jimmy Newtron-I don't have a home base right now
The benefits of being unemployed are that you can do it almost anywhere!
BO-its not like we're dating & can figure this out, the worst thing could happen is spending your life with someone & realizing your lifestyles don't work together!
Um that's what divorce & cheating are for.
Blow Out starts asking him a bunch of "How do I know" questions
"How do I know that you'll want this forever with me? How do I know that you're not going to get scared & want to leave?"
She basically just says a bunch of lyrics that were cut out of Whitney Houston's song "How do I know"
Jimmy Newtron-I'm a better person when I'm with you
*They make out over the untouched tuna steaks*
Why does every guy tell her that "She makes them a better person"? How shitty of a person were they before that THIS is the best version of them?
Blow Out obviously gives him the Fantasy Suite card which she was ready to give him the first night he got out of the limo.
They get in their Fantasy Marriott Double Suite & it's much nicer than the one her & Robby pretended to have sex in. Uh Oh.
The next morning we see them in bed (after hair & makeup has spent an hour with each of them.)
Jimmy Newtron confessional
"That's exactly what we needed. We were able to take a really exciting step in our relationship"
-Blow Out is giving us "Regina George walk of shame" realness in an army print dress & flip flops number! Also how small is this Marriot that every date see's her walking around from their room?-
She's off to her last date with the least amount of brain cells-Mongoloid. Blow Out is wearing white Daisy Duke shorts & walking like she has a diaper rash, or maybe it's just a UTI from last night with Jimmy Newtron. Either way in 100 heat how are you not chaffing?!
I was waiting for Mongoloid to ask her "We're in Thailand, but no one is wearing ties!"
He says it smells like fish (Robby's most hated smell.) He goes over to a bucket picks up a dead fish & kisses it. Now he knows what it feels like for Jojo when she has to kiss him. He seems really entertained by the fish & I think it's because it reminds him of his favorite book "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish".
Blow Out says how much she loves that he makes her feel "special"; I assume she means like a special ed teacher.
Mongoloid points out a monkey "Hi monkey! Are you sweating? I'm sweating!"
More monkeys! Less of everyone else!
BO-Monkeys are like humans!
Well, not the human you're sitting next to, monkey's are intelligent & can solve puzzles.
Their date is just sitting on the beach. All of the dates in Thailand have been free-walking around a market, hiking & now sitting on a beach. I guess maybe it's to get her used to what her future will be like dating a man who is unemployed.
They go back to their rooms to change clothes & mic packs. She is back on her balcony just staring over the ledge. If I saw my neighbor be on her balcony that much I would think she was suicidal.
Guess who shows up unannounced & unwanted ? You guessed it!
He's like herpes or glitter, every time you think it's gone it comes back.
She tells him she's still on a date (which I assume is why he showed up, hoping to get a glimpse of Jimmy Newtron or Mongoloid in post coitus shower)
He tells her "I'm ready for us, I'm so ready to get down on one knee! Country clubs & coloring cooks"
Is that a common saying? He does look like the stereotypical white country club, rich dick. I mean, they do both have all day to spend doing adult coloring books because neither of them have jobs.
It's now no eating dinner date with Mongoloid, they talk about politics & an exit strategy for the Middle East.
She gives him the date card to read & I'm just so proud he was able to pronounce every word! Gold star for you Chase!
They go into the Fantasy Marriott Double Suite & Mongoloid tells her
“I want to say that I’m 100% in love with you. It’s wild because I’ve never told anyone that first. And I know that burden that sentence and that phrase carries. I’m ready to carry that for you.”
Blow Out- Thank you for telling me that.
In her confessional she says how she's wanted to hear him say that for so long, but after hearing it she's not as excited as she should be & she doesn't feel the same way.
She's looking at him the way you look at your Uber driver when they try to talk to you. He keeps trying to mumble on about his feelings as a child of divorce blaahhalablalla
She cuts him off "Can you wait here for a minute?"
He dopey says "Sure! I'll be here!"
I think he thinks she's leaving to get a condom, when actually she's literally trying to escape the room as fast as she can. She looked like she was about to pull a Coolaid Man move & just run through the wall. She finally finds an exit through a sliding glass door & goes & hides in the Marriot Court Yard garden. When your date would rather hang out in a hotel pathway that's not a good sign.
She waits outside & I think she's just hoping he'll put on Yo Gabba Gabba on the TV & she can sneak off back to Jimmy Newtron.
She finally goes back in and breaks the news.
“When you said that to me, like in my heart and in my gut, I don’t think I felt what I thought I was gonna feel. And I don’t know if I’m in the same place as you. I just don't think-"
He snaps "I get the point. I just threw myself out there. I just jumped over a hurdle that I’ve never done before, and now I’m skewered. Now I’m shattered. I mean, what do you want me to say? You didn't give it a chance"
I assume by "it" he means his dick.
She keeps saying she's sick to her stomach, but I think it's just the effects of her plan B pill.
She says how she really wanted to be able to love him & see a future with him but she just couldn't. He's crying & trying to get away as she claws on to him so she can keep explaining all the reasons she's NOT in love with him. I keep waiting for him to say
"I may be a simple man Jennaayyy, but I know what love is"
He grabs a beer & get's into the reject bus " “Oh, is this my fantasy suite? That sucked. I get a fantasy suite card and then I get sent home. That’s like pull your pants down and kick me in the nuts. I said, ‘I love you.’ I should never have said that "
I like THIS Chase. Where was this version of him all season?
It's now the Pro Flower Rose ceremony which is not needed because there are only two fame seekers left but ok producers let's fill the last 25 minutes. The unemployment line stands there confused where the special one is & Blow Out tells her that she sent him home.
Magically at the same time she's saying this Mongoloid shows up! As he's pushed down the stairs by producers. WHAT A TWIST!!!!!
Mongoloid asks to speak with her so they go off and the Hair gel twins just stand there, sweaty & annoyed.
Ken Doll snaps "So people get sent home & just come back from the dead"
I mean chase does have the charisma of a zombie so I guess he's right?
Mongoloid & Implants sit on a bench (if anyones keeping count this is the 294th bench scene this season.) He tells her he wishes the best for her, he loves her, he'll always be there if she changes her mind blahblahablah more sweet, sad, rescue puppy stuff.
As he leaves, a monkey follows behind him. It looks just like the evolutionary chart but in reverse.
Blow Out is back to crying. For someone whose a size zero & has men begging to be with her she cries more than I do. She wailes "Why is falling in love so hard?!?"
Well, you're having a hard time figuring out which of the two guys you love more so it seems falling in love isn't that big of a problem. She's loved more guys in one season than I have 27 years on Earth.
She gives the first rose to Jimmy Newtron, because why switch it up now? I don't see why she just didn't have them both race up to the table at the same time but whatever.
Former Swimmer/Current homosexual gets his rose & says "I'm just so excited to meet your parents & your brothers! "
I'm sure you're VERY excited to meet the brothers. All three stand there & have a toast of champagne. Yay! Cheers to all sharing DNA!
She made a huge mistake not giving both roses to that monkey.
Well Kitten's, there's just one more episode till Jojo announces she's going to be on Dancing with the Stars!
I love you for reading!!!
**Sorry for the delay my screen had to be prepared by the real life Big Bang Theory cast at the Apple Genius Bar**