bachelor nation

Podcast

Herpes Island & Hump Stories!

Hi Kittens! I have been recapping Bachelor in Paradise on my podcast but will start doing written recaps as well! Here are the past podcast episodes in case you haven't subscribed which you absolutely should do because I need the validation as my therapist is on a 2 week vacation!

This episode Meagan, the author of her own yearbook messages & hump stories helps me recap BIP(from Evelyn's homemade date card to Ashley crying as if she just had a movie marathon of Schindler's' List & The Notebook. We also answer an advice question about dating a DJ & she reads another chapter of her Jon Stamos erotica

https://soundcloud.com/user-62623258/episode-9-with-meagan-grainger

 

On episode 8 my investor/father RJ & I talk about the olympics, Trump,Taylor Swift, his beef with Matt Damon & how he picked my mom up at a funeral

https://soundcloud.com/user-62623258/episode-8-with-investor-rj

 

On this episode my mom & I recap the 2nd night of week 2 of Bachelor in Paradise, answer some Kitten questions about relationships & how many kids you should have. We also talk about the dramatic experience of being food shamed at O'Charley's

https://soundcloud.com/user-62623258/episode-7-show-your-crazy-like-its-cleavage

 

On this episode Nancy & I talk about the Bachelorette finale,Bachelor in Paradise premier & answer some relationship questions from some Kittens!

https://soundcloud.com/user-62623258/episode-6-with-nancy-desisto

Please subscribe on SoundCloud & iTunes! And rate it 5 stars like I'm an Uber driver who didn't try to talk to you!

XOXO

A.

the bachelorette

Amber Alert for Aaron Rodgers

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"Have you been wondering where all the contesticles got their terrible personalities from? No? Well we're going to show you anyway in an agonizingly long 2 hours!"

Our first trip is to Colorado to visit the human ambient pill Chase. Blow Out & Mongoloid sit on a jagged cliff in front of what I assume is a green screen because the backdrop looks like a screen saver. The reason I think it's fake (besides the fact that everything on this show is) is because due to global warming the snow would have already melted by the time Mongoloid was finished mumbling his sob story of his parents being divorced. He keeps talking about his parents being divorced as if they're both in prison for manslaughter. I guess we now have to be subjected to not just one but two boring home visits because his parents can't even put on a united front for weddings,graduations or national television.

"The divorce was REALLY bad....lawsuits & stuff"

Well at least neither of your parents had to fight over who got custody of your personality.

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They go to Mongoloids house & see his staircase. He has clearly fallen down those stairs many times which explains his apparent brain damage. Blow Out keeps saying "This house is nice!" I guess she IS funny!

The doorbell rings & he mumbles "It's my dad...I haven't seen him in a really long time...ok"

WHAT?! If you don't even see your dad why the fuck do we have to?!? ughughughgugh. I guess producers knew that since they don't have some bullshit outside activity set up like dog sledding or snow boarding to distract us from their lack of connection we need to bring in reinforcements. Mongoloids dad didn't even want to be around him & I don't blame him.

His dad arrives & they hug each other as if they both have terrible sunburns all over their bodies. They all sit down on the Ashley furniture couch & Mongoloid decides to use this time to confront his dad about leaving the family. I guess those SciFy movies are true, robots WILL  turn on the person who created them.

Why have this conversation with a family therapist when you can have it in front of the girl you have been fake dating for five weeks, ten producers, five camera operators & the boom mic operator!? At least if your dad tries to abandon you (again) during this discussion the camera crew can run after him like on Cops or How to catch a Predator!

Mongoloid is like that terrible Eddie Murphy movie 1000 words so I guess the reason he hasn't talked all season if he was saving all his words up for this.

Quote "I m just having a hard time figuring out why it hasn't worked..why did not.....your first marriage work out?"

Aaaww sweetie, you don't have to say "you're having a hard time figuring out" I think that's already implied...

I know you're as dumb as your stairs look, but do you really not get that 50% of marriages end in divorce?  His dad seems nice & this scene is like watching if two robots were on Iyanlah Fix My Life.

My body feels like I drank a gallon of NyQuil. They should have a disclaimer before Mongoloid's scenes that you should not drive or operate heavy machinery after viewing.

We now have to go visit his mom & his sister-who apparently couldn't be bothered to wash her hair or put on mascara before going on national television. Mongoloid & his sister talk about how the divorce really affected their childhood & now it makes it difficult for them to have normal relationships. They talk about their childhood like it was the inspiration for the movie "ROOM". Get the fuck over it, if Jaycee Dugard can move on so can you.

Blow Out & his mom go outside & sit on a broken ski lift. The ski lift has the best personality out of the whole family. Blow Out gets in her Uber Black to go visit a family rift we ACTUALLY care about.

We go to Chico California which would be much more interesting if it were Chino California where Ryan Atwood is from. They have Blow Out do her confessional in a bush in the forest as five deer go running by. That is by far & away the most exciting thing to happen this season. I wish we could see how many interns they made go run through the forrest trying to chase deer into running in the right direction for camera.

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It's a hometown visit so where do you think he brings her? His highschool of course! Cue the song Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen. They walk up to the school & on the sign outside it says "Welcome  Jordan & Jojo"

She squeals "OMG! This is AMAZING! I can't believe you did this!"

Calm down, that sign was just flashing the Teacher of the Month two seconds earlier. We meet his coach & Jimmy Newtron passive aggressively says "he decided he didn't want to start me!" oh so it wasn't just the NFL coaches! It's a shame he's way to vain to cover up his face & hair in a mascot costume because with his height & desperation to be part of a team I think he would have been great at it.

They go into the school library & he pushes her up again the history books session & dry humps her. This is the closest he's cum to reading a book in a long time...

They go into a janitors closet I mean an "office" that the interns had to transform with wall to wall photos of sweaty young football players from ten years ago. Even Jerry Sandusky didn't have this many pictures in his office.

Jimmy Newtron says "I bet you wont be able to find me in all these pictures!" Literally 2 seconds later Blow Out points & goes "Is that Aaron?" wow! She's amazing at Where's Waldo Where's Olivia Munn's Boyfriend?

He asks her "Do you want to see the football field?" aka  "Do you want to see where I had the most success of my whole life?"

Well we do know that high school quarterback who peaked in high school IS her type!

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As they sit on the dirty bleachers in her white jeans she asks "I know your brother AARON isn't a part of your life right now, so is it weird to talk about? Should I not bring it up as a topic?"

He answers "Yeah, no, it doesn't have to be brought up or a topic, yeah I'll tell them we discussed it briefly, so it's not a topic, ya know?"

No, we actually don't know because you gave us three different answers.

They walk up to the house compound which has a fountain in the driveway big enough for the entire cast of Friends to dance in. She is holding a much more expensive flower bouquet than the one she brought to Mongoloid's mom which looked like they gave a PA a flower budget of $12. Jimmy Newtron is carrying a small gift bag, is it normal to bring your mom a  hostess gift? I wish they would show what's in it, I'm sure it's a bunch of discount items from the ABC store. Congratulations Rodgers' family! You're now the owners of a brand new Blackish coffee mug!

Blow Out's confessional - "I know Aaron won't be here, but I'm excited to meet the other brother luke & the other family!" Sure you are.

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Luke the brother no one cares about

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His dad looks like he's using one of those weird snapchat filters, that or his dad is Jeff Daniels who got his head smashed in an elevator.  The brother Luke looks like Jimmy Newtron's "before" picture if they were in a Hydroxicut commercial. It's insane how all the men in the family look-alike, just in different stages of life. The dad is a terrifying Frankensteintrout ghost of christmas future.

The mom tells a delightful story over dinner "Jordan used to always try to run away, but we told him if he did we would call the police so instead he would just stand at the border of the property with his backpack glaring at us!"

There are two giant empty chairs at the head of the table, I wonder who those could be for?!?!

Blow Out goes to talk to Luke the Joey Fatone of the Rodgers family. She decides to bring up Aaron for the 17th time in this episode. Luke looks more uncomfortable than Mongoloid's dad. "We don't really discuss him" not taking no for an answer or missing out on the chance to meet Olivia Munn she continues with the forbidden subject.

"I can't imagine what it's like for you & the family to have this divide. I mean Aaron...that's your brother! That's Jordan's brother, that's your parent's son!'

Blow Out has a future working for Ancestory.com!

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Aaron is even blurred out of the family pictures, he is so far estranged that he apparently won't even sign ABC's photo release to show his likeness on camera! But we do get to see Jimmy Newtron's picture that makes him look like the team rapist.

I'm so curious about the skeletons in this family's closet. A son who constantly tried to run away from home & a son who won't come home at all means they are a three-part Dr. Phil episode waiting to happen.

Before she leaves for the airport Jimmy Newtron makes out with her & whispers "Don't ever doubt this"

*This-My desire to be the next Bachelor

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Now we visit former swimmer/current homosexual Robby in St Augustine, Florida. Ken Doll is in his signature salmon.

He tells her "I have a hard time whistling so can you do it for me?" Oh c'mon Robby you whistle, just pretend you're in the audience at a Chippendales show!

She whistles & we see a horse carriage come around the corner. We've had more horse scenes than hot tub scenes this season!

He asks the driver of the horse carriage "Our carriage drivers name is Robert, is that you?"

Apparently horse carriages are the Ubers of St. Augustine you want to make sure you get in the right one. Gay Ken Doll says "Wow I can't believe your names Robert too, we're the same!"

No, this Robert has a job.

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They start the carriage tour & Gay Will Forte gives boring facts about the town but unfortunately not one about why there are people dressed in full pirate costumes walking the streets. Blow Out keeps saying how impressed she is with how well he knows the town. I agree, I bet he knows all the best glory holes & tanning salons in town!

They go to his home & she is carrying a bouquet that I'm sure Robby arranged himself. He is carrying 6 gift bags like he just came from a Mary Kay party. This is the first family visit in the show where it appears everyone is still on speaking terms with each other.

Blow Out & his mom sit on the bed with their shoes on (barf) & his mom mentions how close Robby & her are and that they tell each other everything. A gay man being close with his mom? Shocking. Blow Out tells the mom that she's falling in love with Robby "I wasn't sure at the start of the date but after the ride & meeting you now I'm sure" you changed your mind after 3 hours of Florida humidity? You're as insane as Alex the toy soldier!

The mom then goes & talks to her hair dresser son & tells him "There's an issue out in the world"

Hunger? Poverty? Donald Trump?

No, something MUCH worse.

"Your ex girlfriends roommate made it look like you broke up with her to go on the show"

His response "In person or on-line?"

Yes Robby, she's doing it in person. She's been standing in the town square shouting it at the top of her lungs!

His face is now the same salmon color as his shirt. I can't tell if it's because he's angry or if it's because he forgot to wear his SPF tinted moisturizer on the carriage date. He decides to go tell Blow Out right away who is still sitting on the bed with her shoes on (barf.)

He tells her what's going on & she begs him to tell her the truth. "You broke up with your girlfriend of 4 years 3 months ago, is that the same time you found out you were going to be on the show?"

He responds with "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! That's not it, no!"

The more you say the word "no" the more it's a clear "yes".

She tells him how this terrifies her that he could be here even though he's not over his ex from 3 months ago because she's so CLEARLY over Ben who broke up with her 3 months ago.

Her car is here for the airport, it's raining as he walks her out with an umbrella so he doesn't mess up his spray tan. She gets in the car & he leaves the umbrella right in the street, you know like how you always leave your umbrella!

We now go to Texas to visit Luke the non blinker. We have shots of him walking on a train track & various shots of him leaning against a wall with a "pensive" look. Like Mongoloid & Zoolander, he only has one look.

He greets Blow Out & it looks like a hollywood set of an abandoned western town, there are no cars or people.They of course go sit on a bench, jesus they've sat on more benches this season than I have my whole life. I thought public benches were for the homeless & for at risk youth to graffiti?

She's wearing a stereotypical "hot girl trying to look country as a last-minute Halloween costume" with white cut off shorts,a chambray shirt that also buttons up the back for some reason, and cowboy boots. She didn't even wear cowboy boots when she was on the horseback riding date!

Non Blinker drives her around in his giant pickup truck & I'm sure production had to cover the picture of Calvin peeing on a picture of Bin Laden.They drive down a dirt road & she sees a bunch of cars parked in  field "Why are their so many cars?" a better question would be "why do half these truck have nuts hanging from them?"

The reason there are so many cars is because he turned meeting his family into a hootenanny. There are 50 people there, so basically everyone who lives in the town which explains why the general store was closed. Half the crowd looks like they all made their shirts from the same picnic blanket.  As Blow Out is stuck with the crowd of chewing tobacco Non Blinker & his dad go sit on the porch in rocking chairs like they're sitting outside of Cracker Barrel & talk about how much he likes staring at Blow Out.His dad seems nice even though I'm sure we disagree on basically every issue.

As they sit at the table & talk about how great barbecue is which its clear Blow Out must have eaten a lot of it as her lipstick is perfectly in tact & the white shorts are still spotless. Non Blinker announces he has a surprise for her.

You can see on her face she's thinking "Is it Aaron Rodgers?! Please be Aaron Rodgers!"

Non Blinker & her go walk in the pasture & what a surprise! There just happens to be a perfectly constructed couch made from hay bails & decorated with lantern like it's the set of a Lady Antebellum music video. They sit & make out as the sun sets perfectly behind them. It's like the Lifetime channel's version of a Nicholas Sparks movie, normally Luke just looks like the guy who would play the stalker ex boyfriend in a Lifetime movie.

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They spend the entire date with their faces an inch apart.He then takes her to a pathway of  mason jars leading to a giant heart made out of wild flowers-nicely done interns! Hearts are so hard to make even!

They stand in the middle & make out as a country song plays, thankfully it wasn't a James Taylor Rescue Puppy original. He tells her "You make my heart smile" Clearly Luke takes his lines from Matthew McConaughey. You can almost hear every woman in middle America's ovaries exploding.

Me? I'm more focused on Jojo's hair which after all these outside dates in sweltering heat & it never frizzing or falling once I'm now thinking is a wig. This whole hometown visit looked like it should have been on the CMT channel.

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We now go the Pro Flowers rose ceremony that's being held in a plane hanger because Chris Harrison doesn't want to waste time having to drive from the airport to set for his contractional 5 minutes of work so he demanded that they just do it there.

It looks like a Mens Warehouse commercial meets  Oceans 11.We see a private plane waiting to whisk the final 3 off & I'm really hoping that Jake Pavelka is the pilot. The red carpet they have set up is longer than the relationship all last.

Blow Out is wearing an amazing electric blue gown that looks like she's going to the Emmys. She clearly was hoping she would get to wear it to the Espy's cough cough.She says in a confessional "I think I have to get rid of Luke" seriously? HOW the fuck is Mongoloid still there? Did he promise you a lifetime supply of Xanax bars?

Right before she starts the elimination  the producers give him the cue & Non Blinker says "Can I tallllk to youuuu for a secondddd"

She says "Sure!" like this is normal procedure. They walk down the ridiculously long red carpet out of the plane hanger & the guys all sit there blankly staring. Jimmy Newtron is annoyed, Mongoloid is too busy thinking of what sound an airplane makes & Robby is too busy picturing a Broke Back Mountain situation with Luke.

Outside Non Blinker says in full Kardashian vocal fry "Listen when you were visiting my familyyyy.. I didn't tell youuuuu what I should have told youuu..... and after you left i couldn't stop thinking about it....I should have told you that I love you but I didn't have timeeee"

Yeah instead you were too busy debating your family over bbq. It also takes you 5 minutes to say one sentence. He does a longer pause between each word than Maury reading paternity results. He then goes back in line as the guys just stare right ahead like they're at a urinal.

Outside the plane hanger Blow Out is crying without any tears & pacing back and forth in the gown so fast that she must still be wearing the cowboy boots under the dress.

She just starts frantically talking out loud "What do I do..... I don' understand why he did this now.....I can't make this decision....I can't breathe.....I can't do this!"

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She then squats down in the gown like she's peeing because she doesn't want to have to pass the guys in order to get to the plane hanger restroom . We then see "too be continued" flash across the screen.

NO! God fucking dammit! How much longer can this go on! How the fuck did we have to see these hometown visits & we STILL haven't seen Jojo's crazy brothers & her wino mom?

We've seen them as much as we've seen Aaron!

The best part of this episode-Blow Out's gown

The worst part of this episode-the other 118 minutes

Next week there are 2 episodes (fuck me) and one is the Men Yell All episode so at least we get The Chad back!

I love you for reading my Kittens!

XO

A.

the bachelorette

I want to gaucho my eyes out

We open up with the contesticles all sitting in the hotel room talking about last nights rose ceremony & of course instead of being happy that he's even still there Lord Farquad Alex is more upset that Rescue Puppy James Taylor got to stay. "I just DON'T understand how I was in the bottom two, last night really upset me"

You're upset by something?! Wow what a twist! There is nothing this season that he HASN'T complained about, he's such a Debbie Downer Angry Alex. Also you're very used to being at the bottom of everything.

He's also wearing a plaid hoodie, good to see Pac Sun has added a children's section! He whines about how he's never had a 1 on 1 & that "it's just unfair" wow I bet he was a BLAST to be in basic training with.

"I feel like I'm the black sheep" well you're the size of a sheep... Lamb Chop

The date card comes & it's for Angry Elf which is a shame because in two more minutes we were about see him go full on tantrum sitting on the floor screaming like when he's in the aisle of Toys R Us.

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Photo Credit- @Swainsch

Blow Out & Angry Elf get into the SUV for the date & I don't know about car safety laws in Argentina but here in America kids are required to be in a car seat. There is no child safety seat so instead he sits in the middle seat & gloms on to her. He looks like the little kid who is in love with his babysitter, he's so close to her that she's smashed up against the window like there's 2 other imaginary people also sitting in the back seat.

In Lord Farquads voice over he says "I'm here to give her everything but if she wants it she needs to show me that she wants it, she needs to give something back to me too"

Ugh. Alex is the guy who thinks every girl wants him, yes every girl does want you (to go away)

Meanwhile the producers make the other gonads go on a forced bromance adventure because they need B Roll. Instead of having them ride in a car the producers decide to make them ride in the Argentinian version of the Partridge family bus. Wow this is WHACKY! LOLOLOL

Chase should feel right at home, he's used to riding a short bus.

Blow Out says in a voiceover "Today's important because I'm seeing what a normal day with Alex is like" well it's JUST as terrible as you imagined.

Angry Elf also has a Rain Man type level obsession with grains. He keeps narrating every crop they drive by.

"Is that wheat?....... I think that's wheat-What is this... the wheat bowl of the country?!"

He pauses for laughter like what he just said was a joke. Blow Out does her best forced laugh & says "Can you just be normal?"

You're right! He's not being normal, because normally he's a whiny bitter asshole talking about another contestant instead of making autistic statements about grains.

In Blow Out's voiceover she says "I'm having a hard time connecting with him romantically at this point"

Is it because he's the size of Tyrion Lannister but with the personality of Lord Jeoffrey? Or is it because it feels like pedophilia?

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You know what will make this date better? Some prop comedy! He opens up the can of Pringles because once you pop the awkwardness don't stop! He puts the Pringle's in his mouth to make... duck lips! What? WOW! I think he's the first person I've ever seen do that! When this show is over he needs to go on Shark Tank because this kid is an inventor!

He then tries to kiss her with them as she deflects by jabbing a Pringle in to his face as a self-defense move. He's the first person I've seen be cock blocked by a chip.In his mind he's probably so confused "I don't get it, this bit killed on the playground last month)

As if your vagina isn't dry enough, we now we cut to the doofi on the bus-rapping. Yep, producers have the 4 whitest guys in America rapping.

They have to rap because I assume by now someone has finally smashed Rescue Puppy's guitar. The "free style" rap was clearly written for them by the interns right before they had to start filming.

"Go write a rap you have 5 minutes! Remember we have Luke & Chase on the bus so don't make any of the words more than 2 syllables! " This scene isn't just a treat for the ears but also the eyes!

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Not only do we have a freestyle rap that makes Macklemore look like Jay Z, we also have  James Taylor's giant tattoo that is so bad it looks like a giant stick on for 4th of July that you would get done at a booth at the fair.

Former swimmer/current homosexual Robby wore the HOTEL slippers out. The gonad bus says how much more fun Blow Out would be having with them & they keep repeating over & over "This is the FUN bus!"

Is Miss Frizzel the driver!?

Next we have what might be my favorite scene ever.Keeping with the producer enforced rap theme Lord Farquad does a scene right out of Malibu's Most Wanted,  but he's completely serious with absolutely no irony.

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LF: I can rap about anything! Give me a topic any topic & I'll rap about it!

Blow Out has the same facial expression as if someone just gave her the option of having to pick between a yeast infection or a UTI. She shuts her eyes tightly and flatly says

BO: OK... I guess..my name

and then he starts:

"YO YO-JoJo-gots to go-to the likko-stoe"

To add insult to ear injury he goes "See what I did there?!"

He is absolutely BEAMING with pride over his performance, in his mind he thinks he's B Rabbit from 8 Mile.

BO: (flatly) Yeah...I see what you did there

Yeah Alex, we ALL saw what you did there and we will never be able to un-see it. What's even more upsetting is the look on his face.

I thought all that time you spent on set filming Leprechaun Goes To the Hood would have rubbed off on you, apparently not.

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The car ride is now so silent you can almost hear the buzz of the mic packs. Lord Farquad is attached to Blow Out like he's her human seatbelt as she just stares out the window picturing having sex with Jordan.

They arrive at the horse farm with the real gauchos who all look like they should be on the front of Folders coffee. They have to change into riding clothes and Angry Elf is wearing gaucho clothes from the Paddington Bear collection. He looks like a baker/painter from a Disney movie. Blow Out is dressed like she's Alessandra Ambrosia going to lunch. She's in a white silk shirt, suede brown flares and heel booties. You know, what you typically wear for riding horses outside!

They start riding &  Angry Elf seems really comfortable on the horse, it must be from all his practice riding the 50 cent ones in front of the grocery store.

He keeps narrating out loud everything that's happening, quote :

"Wow we're outside in this field with cows"

"I'm with you right now on a horse, this is crazy!"

"My horse is following your horse, I think it's a sign!"

You don't have to tell her what's happening, she's not blind! Although after your rap abortion I'm sure she wishes that she were deaf.

AE: You look like a model from a Ralph Lauren magazine!

BO:Thanks.

Her responses are even shorter than he is, you can tell she's praying for his horse to pull a Sea Biscuit & take off with him.

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The gaucho then does a horse whispering performance by putting his hand over the horse's muzzle like he's chloroforming him as the horse lays down & is rolled on it's back. Now that the horse has been Cosby'd they lay down next to the horse's head & kiss over him. You can tell on the horses face that he would rather have been made into a glue stick than have to be a part of this.

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It's now nighttime & they go into an old farm-house to have the "deep conversation" part of the date which they don't even bother putting out a fake meal for because it would require setting up a high chair.

They sit on the couch & Angry Elf keeps talking about how excited he is to bring her home to his family & her monotone response is

"Who would I be meeting & is it going to be weird?"

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Are you saying you think it's weird his whole family lives in a tree that also doubles as their work place?

He then proceeds to tell her "I know I'm falling in love you. I need to make that clear, this is how I really feel & I'm not going to regret telling you this ever"

(wanna bet?)

"I fell in love with  you the minute  I saw you! This is just so amazing & it's so great that I'm the guy who gets to see you feeling the way I do now, it's nice just getting everything off my chest"

Blow Out looks like she would rather have her implants ripped out of her chest than be part of this conversation. She closes her eyes for so long that you can almost count all the individual pairs of eyelashes she has on. She keeps making the face that you see women have in migraine commercials.

"Yeah ummm.......I don't feel as excited as I should be to hear that & I don't think I'll ever get to that point"

Angry Elf turns on her real quick, he defensively says  "It definitely SUCKS that you can't see that being something that you want!"

She starts to say "I respect-" he abruptly cuts her off & snaps

"I came here, there was NO rose on the table! I wasn't expecting THIS  to happen "

He didn't know this date had a chance for elimination or he would have packed his Spiderman suitcase!

She asks if she can walk him out & he rolls his eyes and snarls "fine, whatever" as he stomps off two feet ahead of her. He's pissed, he even breaks the fourth wall looking straight into camera with his crazy eyes.

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I said it in the 2nd recap when everyone was just focused on Chad, that Lord Farquad was really the crazy asshole we should be worried about & I was right.

He gives her a stiff one-armed hug & snaps "Yep, take care" as he jumps into the car & slams the door.

Blow Out fake cries "My final memory of him is him not being able to look me in the eyes!"

In his defense how could he? He barely comes up to your belly button.

God I wish they would have had a confessional of him in the car raging. I cant wait to see how many "answers" he demands from her at the Men tell All episode.

At least now he can use that beret as a sleeping bag!

The next day the obvious winner aka Aaron Rodgers Brother has the one on one date. Has anyone else noticed that he walks like he's never had human legs before?

They do their umpteenth Notebook run & jump kiss and they get into a private plane. That's so nice that he finally gets to feel what its like to be his brother.

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They arrive at a vineyard & Blow Out is wearing jean shorts that are so short they look like denim panties. They do wacky grape stomping & I'm waiting for Jimmy Newtron Hair to say "Hey, have you ever seen that video of the news reporter stomping grapes & falling?!"

They drink the foot wine which can't taste any worse than the 20 other strains of saliva she's ingested throughout the season. They then of course get into a hot tub, you know how every vineyard has an outdoor hot tub in the middle of it? After 15 minutes of making out Implants straddles his underwater boner in the pre cum filled hot tub & asks "what are you thinking about?"

Hair:My mamma

gross.

While they're busy underwater dryhumping we cut to Non Blinker Luke & Mongoloid Chase talking about Jimmy Newtron.

Non Blinker says that it's unfair that "He had the most hype going into this because he's so well-known"

umm he's not Tom Brady.

I have literally never seen him before in my life & this is coming from a girl who was able to recognize Aubrey O'Days dogs in an airport (HUMBLE BRAG!)

If you had shown me a picture of Jordan & asked me to tell you who he was I would have said he was a guy who was too old to still be managing an Abercrombie & Fitch.

Non Blinker goes on to say how Blow Out may choose him because "He's the front-runner because he can get her box seats to the Super Bowl & that's really appealing" Yeah because she's such an active member on FanDuel.com!

Mongoloid goes on to mumble the longest sentence he's ever said on the show "I think JoJo is looking for a real guy, in a real town with a real job"

You know opposed to the other contestants who are imaginary guys from pretend towns.

Now it's time for Blow Out & Jimmy Newtron Hair's no eating dinner date. She asks him what it would be like to go meet his family next week

JNH-"Yeah well you'll meet my parents & my older brother Luke who is the funniest person you'll ever meet"

-OK so clearly Luke was adopted

"And um.. my middle brother won't be there"

He won't even say Aaron's name like he's fucking Voldermort so Blow Out has to say it.

BO: and your middle brother is..Aaron?

JNH "Yep...um we don't really talk but I have a GREAT relationship with my brother Luke"

yeah no one gives a shit about that brother who is probably an assistant manager at Verizon.

He goes on to tell her how he doesn't have any relationship with Aaron & I was dying for her to ask "OK well what about your relationship with Olivia Munn? Because that's a huge deciding factor going into the rose ceremony"

He goes on to say Aaron isn't close with the family anymore "I get the pressure he's under & the demands from people he knows"

You mean like you & your brother asking for tickets that you can scalp & having him autograph jerseys that you're going to sell on eBay? He says that Aaron has no idea he's doing the show. God I wish I could see Aaron's face watching this episode.

JNH "Football doesn't define me"

Really? because that's literally how your title card on the show defines you.

Jimmy Newtron doesn't want to talk about how his brother clearly blocked his number so he changes the topic to how in love he is with her. Of course you are she's the most famous person you know who still acknowledges your existence.

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Next day is group date & it's raining so instead of some bullshit outside activity they have a wacky group slumber party! That's at 11 AM & they order terrible looking room service. Rescue Puppy said "I'm bringing my A game to this date today!" & then proceeded with "I can fit every french fry in my mouth wanna see!?"

He is the male version of Karen Smith. They're both sweet, dumb, but instead of fitting his whole fist in his mouth it's a plate of french fries.

At least with his mouth full of fries he can't sing.

JoJo then decides the next zany activity will be a massage train!

BOO!!!!!!! I wanted Human Centipede!

The guys sit in a row massaging each other & no surprise Robby looks super comfortable in a daisy chain of men touching each other. I'm sure it brings fond memories of his time in the group showers after swim practice.

They then play truth or dare & JoJo's crazy dare was for Robby to WAIT FOR IT!.......

RUN DOWN THE HALLWAY IN HIS UNDERWEAR!

WUH WUH WOAHHH! LOLOLOLLOL

That IS crazy! Especially because no one is on this fucking hotel floor because production has rented the entire thing out.

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I would have dared him to tell us how he's making money being a former swimmer? Or to tell us how many cocks he's sucked.

Robby brags "I think JoJo made me do this because she just wanted to see me with my shirt off!"

You just had a date 2 weeks ago where you guys went swimming! It's not like you've been hiding under a burka, we know what your body looks like as do half the men in Jacksonville on Grindr.

They all lay on the bed together, of course Rescue Dog has to lay at the bottom. Rescue Dog proceeds to make himself look even more pathetic by trying to call out Robby in front of JoJo.

"Robby checks out other women all the time, that's why we call him WER-It stands for Wandering Eye Robby!"

WER-wow what a catchy sounding nickname!

I totally believe Robby checks out women-for their shoes.

Robby who looks like a gay West Hollywood version of Will Forte keeps talking about how he's "a front-runner" I think he maybe the only person from Jacksonville to ever feel that way.

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-That horse they should have used for Alex-

The next day Non Blinker & her have a one on one date at a horse farm because he's a farmer who loves to ride horsseeahbblahblahhhh their date is as boring as he is. He has the vocal fry of Kourtney Kardashian and it takes him forever to get out the few words he knows.

After horseback riding they skeet shoot because remember that he's a farmer?! I feel like Luke is probably very anti gun control & that his family is very pro Trump.Watching this date it's like watching a boring Nicholas Sparks movie and makes me envious of the old lady in The Notebook because I want to forget everything that I've seen on this fucking show.

Also out of all the times it would have actually made sense to rap this episode why wouldn't the producers have them do it during the skeet shooting? AH SKEET SKEET SKEET!

It's Pro Flowers Rose Ceremony & Blow Out finally decides to put the 3 legged rescue dog down. As she walks him out she's sobbing & telling him "You made me such a better person"

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How? I guess he did help you get better at fake smiling at terrible musical performances. He's now crying (barf) & saying how he will always care for her & that she deserves the best possible life. He tells her how she is the most beautiful girl in the world & how happy he is just to know her.

He really is Forrest Gump talking to Jennaayyyyy.

They better make Blow Out wear 7 gowns an episode next week because her fashion is the only good thing about this show. How much longer can we live like this!?!? And what's worse is one of these guys is going to be the next Bachelor!

Kittens, tell me what you think in the comments-

Who would you want as the Bachelor next season? I'm voting for the horse!

I love you for reading!

XOXO

A

the bachelorette

Don't Cry For Me Big Tuna

  We are in Beunos Aries & we see JoJo walking the streets in a red mini cocktail dress with a coat over her shoulders during the day like she's Kim Kardashian. Meanwhile the contesticles are checking into their hotel room that looks like it was decorated by a persian grandmother. Once again they can't BELIEVE their hotel room has beds as we get our umpteenth shot of them throwing themselves on the comforters rolling around cheering.You were just at a hotel yesterday? Why are you acting like before now you were living in a FEMA trailer?They then of course go to the balcony & scream the name "JOJOOOOOOOO!!!!"

You know, how you always scream the name of the person you're dating out the window of your hotel?

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-Former Swimmer's outfit is club manager on top/surfer on the bottom. Better question-is Robby a Top or a Bottom?-

The dullards all sit in the family room waiting for the date card. It's for Wells Fargo & the date card says "Kiss Me, Kiss Me Muchachao"

Wells Fargo admits to the guys that he hasn't kissed Brunette Isla Fischer yet. WTF Really?! Even Shakespearean villain Evan managed to kiss her!

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                                 -Whenever I see this GIF I instantly lose lbs from throwing up-

Angry Elf Alex "What if you kiss her & there are no sparks? It just blows my mind she had to write a date card telling you to kiss her"

Ugh you are the wooooorrrsstttt, also you're an idiot if you think JoJo actually writes the date cards herself.

All the contesticles laugh at Wells & tell him "Better get your chapstick!" maybe you can borrow Angry Elf's! Remember when he so delicately applied his while The Chad became America's hero by ripping Evalyn's hideous $15 shirt?

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Wells Fargo & Blow Out have their date at "Fuerza Bruta" which I guess is Buenos Airies version of Circe Di Soleil but even worse. It's weird Kanye-esque performance art with half naked women crawling around in a suspended pool looking like fetuses in the womb.

On the other side of the warehouse we see a small Mexican man running attached to a harness running on a giant treadmill, we hear a gunshot & now the man is fake bleeding as a woman walks opposite of him & falls off onto a foam pad.

Where did they get the idea recommendation for this date? Stefan on Weekend Update?

Even Shia LaBeouf would think this was awful. Also it combines two of my biggest fears-guns & exercising.

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No performance art date will be better than Laney Boggs & Zach Silers! Never let it drop!

Now Wells Fargo & Blow Out get to try the "Running on a treadmill fake getting killed thing" and all I can say is WOW. Watch out Hamilton!

After sharing that AMAZING performance together Wells Fargo decided that THIS is the perfect time to kiss her.

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-Wells also performed an abortion!-

Jesus Christ Wells are you doing a Sheldon Cooper impression? First he completely misses JoJo’s attempted high five/hand grab, so he tries to, like, pat her face or something?And then he leans in for… a peck on the cheek?

HOW in the world is it possible that Evalyn had more game than you?!?! I can't.

He keeps saying in his voice overs how "I'm waiting for the special moment, the right moment to kiss her. I want our first kiss to be a once in a life time kiss"

I assume he must play a lot of Kelly Clarkson "A moment like this" on his radio show.

They go into the fetus pool & he finally kisses her. She screams & claps "OMG Wells! WE DID IT!" like he's a puppy she just taught to roll over. Very sexy.

On their "dinner" date Wells tells Blow Out that he’s been “struggling” with the fact that they’re such “different people,”

Oh you mean like how you two together looks like you're on a "Make a Wish" date?

But now he's "broadening his definition of who his “perfect” woman might be". She asks him about his ex & he says it's awkward to talk about that subject.

JoJo-"Don't worry I talk about my ex all the time!"

Yeah JoJo, we know.

Wells Fargo keeps the romance going by asking "Am I sweating?"

No, sweating would be an understatement. You look even wetter than you did in that pool.

He says that the problem with him & his ex was that "they were more like best friends". I get the feeling every girl Wells has dated always just thought they were best friends.

Blow Out tells him how "unique & interesting he is" uh oh.

She tells him how she's looking for "her unicorn" or if she were on Friends "her lobster"

She says how she hears the skepticism in Wells' DJ voice when she talks about her "fairytale unicorn" relationship she's looking for & that she "doesn't have time to break down Well's wall"

I'm sure his wall is just as weak & wet as he is.

She says "You & I have built a friendship..." which is ALWAYS a good sign to hear from a girl you're trying to date.

"You are an incredible human being but..... I don't think you're the person I will spend my life with but I REALLY appreciate you"

She eliminates him but I feel like JoJo is the type of girl who would still call Wells to come  put together her IKEA furniture & drive her to the airport.

Of course she's so distraught over losing her Geek Squad suitor she walks the streets of Buenos Aires alone in heels & a cocktail dress, you know how you walk in a foreign country as a woman alone at night?

As if this night couldn't get any more upsetting, she goes BACK to that performance art show by herself. Because it was so much fun the first time!

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                                      -One second I'm a Koons then suddenly the Koons is me!-

It's now a rave (?) that she wanders alone by herself as fake rain falls on her. ok, NOW it's officially worst date ever, having to wash my hair twice in fucking day?!

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Meanwhile during this whole date the pusswad squad has been in the living room talking about Wells Fargo & how he had the weakest connection with her & how nervous he looked about having to kiss her. It may be past baby's bed time but even though he has on his striped footie pj's he's going to try to stay up as late as he can so he doesn't miss any chance to shit talk even though he's seepy.

The date card comes & the doofi find out that they will be going on a group date while Chase (the stupider & even less interesting version of Jordan) & Unfunny Jim Halpert will be going against each other on a two on one date.

                                   - Chase looks like Jordan after Thanksgiving break-

Store Brand Jordan-"I would feel betrayed if Jim Halpert got the rose, he has nothing on me"  Except the ability to show more than one expression.

Off Brand Jordan only has one facial expression & it's "mongoloid"

The next day is group date & Angry Elf tries to walk in front of the group to look like he's the same size as them through TV magic, we know the truth! The only magical thing about you Alex is your Lucky Charms.

The contesticles & Brunette Isla Fischer walk around the town doing "wacky" hijinks like dancing with locals & you guessed it- MORE of trying on of silly hats. Barf.

All the doofi are having fun except for James Taylor. Maybe he's sad because this is the longest I've seen him on camera WITHOUT his fucking guitar. He mopes behind the boring boys gang as his voiceover makes it sound like he's talking about The Plastics

"Just look at these guys! They're perfect! They all look amazing! It looks like I snuck on to a set that I'm not supposed to be on." Do they always win Spring Fling Queen?

"It's not like I'm going to blow anyone away with my looks or my abs, right?" Oh c'mon James Taylor, you look like if Jason Sudekis & Dennis Quaid had a baby! (that was dropped on its face multiple times)

They "spontaneously" decide to join in on a locals soccer game happening on a basketball court. Yay just who the locals wanted on their team-stupid gringos!

One of the translators says that one of the locals wanted JoJo to have to kiss whoever won, the look in her eyes when she thinks she has to kiss one of the locals as she looks like she's about to say "No I already kicked all the ethnic guys off in the 3rd week I'm done having to kiss anyone tanner than me"

She's relieved when the translator says it's whichever of her doofi group that wins get the kiss. WHEW!

James Taylor (who looks like Alice from the Brady Brunch) wins & gets a kiss from her that's as romantic as if she was kissing one of the stray dogs running around the court.

Alice-"I may not be the sexiest guy in the house, but I'm on a one way train to I love Jo-Jo land"

No you're more like on a one way train to Auschwitz, it's not going to end well.

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It's the cocktail party & Non Blinker Luke who looks like Tig Natorro is up first. I'm not sure what's more intense Luke's vocal fry or his serial killer stare. Every time he always does a full monologue before they make out which always involves him slowly brushing her hair back behind her ears & every time it looks like he's about to steal her earrings.

They make out because Luke has run out of all the words he knows how to say. They are like two octopuses all over each other.

Next up is James Taylor & he spends his one on one time talking about Blow Outs most beloved Jordan. Oh no sweetie no. Don't talk about the mamma bears cub (that she's going to have sex with in the fantasy suite in two weeks)

He tells her how he's seen "a different side of him & it's not good" Do I like Aaron Rodger's brother? No. But I have to admit the fuck boy DOESN'T have a bad side-aesthetically that is.

Alice the maid explains his problem with the golden child-

"We were playing a game of cards & I said it's this rule & he said it was a DIFFERENT rule & shut me down, because he's Jordan Rodgers-whatever that is"

JoJo asks "what does that mean?Jordan Rodgers?"

I thought it meant unemployed football player.

"it means that, ummm. Ya know it pretty much means I guess... celebrity"

You're talking about his brother Aaron now right?

"Ya know people are going to listen to me because he's like  I have this billion watt smile & a stud arm  & I'm in magazines, he's acted entitled a couple of times & you just can't go against him"

Uuumm, wtf is a stud arm? I know what a stud-horse is. Does a stud arm means he donates his sperm to top dollar sperm banks? Is that how he afforded his billion watt smile veneers? Or is that from the unemployment checks from NFL? I honestly don't know, I'm not a sports ball fan.

I will say that James Taylor is VERY sweet, he's like the rescue puppy that only has 3 legs & has lost its coat to scabies. But every time he talks he sounds like he's just 10 IQ points above Forrest Gump.Now I know that role actually belongs to Mongoloid Chase but he doesn't have the accent.

James Taylor-"I know I would love her & care for her the most" she's his Jenny.

Next up is Jimmy Newtron hair with the billion watt smile-Jordan.

Both JoJo & him are wearing matching leather jackets like they're going to a Grease sing along. She asks him about what Rescue Puppy said & he laughs it off.

He says how they had a disagreement about cards or some bullshit & how he tried to tell Rescue Puppy the right rules. "That was a tough situation to try to bring logic to but if I came off-"

Blow Out jumps in "Entitled?"

Stud Arm-"No!"

BO-"Well that's the word that was used"

SA-"No. No. I don't know what that means"

Yeah I don't know what that word means, but I know I wasn't that.

She tells him how she pictures her life with him after this (you mean after you give him the final rose on some jungle beach front gazebo hut) & how she is falling for him but wants to make sure the guy shes falling for is the same hot fuck boy he is with her that he is in the house.

He says "I don't think I'm above anybody here"

Really? Not even Alex?

He goes back to sit with all the guys & when they ask him how it went he just sits next to Rescue Puppy in silence manically swirling his white wine like he's  a villian on The Real Housewives.

He keeps swirling the whine maniacally & I'm afraid he's going to get carpel tunnel & ruin his football careeeeee- oh wait nevermind.... SWIRL ON Jordan my bad! Entitlement is not what he's about. Would an entitled guy react to being insulted by jostling a pointy suede boot, swirling a good Sauvignon blanc to release its bouquet, and snapping at Rescue Puppy "How does one-act entitled while stating that the rules of a game are such?"

I think NOT.

Rescue Puppy doesn't have much to say besides muttering "whatever man" a couple of times & going back to nervously biting his nails & tugging at his picnic table-cloth shirt. Super cute.

Implants gives serial killer Luke the safety rose. The rest angrily stare at her how I imagine Alex stares at the height requirements signs at theme parks.

The next day is the two on one between the boring brown-eyed guy & the boring blue-eyed guy who both talk like they have saraan wrap covering their faces.

Mongoloid confessional;- '"I have a real connection with JoJo so why is it fair that I'm put in a position of life or death?"

Is your 2 on 1 date playing Russian roulette? WTF are you talking about dummy it's not life or death it's a fake date on a reality show & either way it ends up with you getting a spot on Bachelor in Paradise. I know that's a lot for you to process but have someone write it in crayon with big letters for you.

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                                               -Who wore it better?-

The date  is a tango lesson because according to JoJo "love is a lot like a Tango" You mean that most people are terrible at it?

It's obvious this Tango lesson is just so JoJo can get some extra rehearsal time before she's on Dancing with the Stars.

The three of them dance together & it looks more like a Mummy fight club than it does a Tango.

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JoJo is now Jodie Sawyer at the end of Center Stage.

They all go on to the no eat dinner date. She takes Unfunny Jim Halpert off to talk to him first. He says "I felt so much passion with you day, I really loved my time with you today I really felt the passion"

Blow Out "Yeah, thank you for that"

Uh Oh.

He tells her that she's the most amazing woman he's ever met which leads to the question-than how many women have you ACTUALLY met? ANd without naming a single physical trait of hers, what makes her amazing? And you can't say her ability to wear clothes.

He tells her "I'm absolutely falling head over heels for you"

Blow Out "Aaawww I appreciate that"

ouch, looks like you are going back to Dundler Mifflin sooner than you thought.

It's now Mongoloids turn & I'm glad she got back to the table before he ate his napkin.

Blow Out tells him “I told you this last week, how special you make me feel & I’ll be honest, I didn’t feel like you gave me much back.” Doofus is shocked, I think? Or confused? Or hungry? I honestly have no idea.

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He mumbles out "It's hard to show emotions...and things"

Then carry around one of those fucking feelings chart & point to it.

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Unfunny Jim Halpert couldn't stop telling her how much he liked her & since Blow Out told Mongoloid how she needs more validation of his feelings towards her she obviously eliminated Jim Halpert....?

Ugh. Whatever it doesn't matter anyway, she's either going to marry Aaron Rodgers brother or one of HER brothers so who cares.

But than we got what I believe to be the most entertaining scene of this entire franchise, which is crazy because these 3 people are so boring, but the producers REALLY outdid themselves.

As Unfunny Jim Halpert is sobbing in his town car, Blow Out & Mongoloid go to a dance floor where an orchestra is playing and all of a sudden an OPERA SINGER COMES OUT ON A  MOTHER FUCKING BALCONY & STARTS SINGING "DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA AS WE CUT BACK & FORTH BETWEEN THEM KISSING & HIM CRYING.

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I write that in all caps because it was so fucking iconic. I have to be honest Jim's sobbing added a really nice back track to her vocals.

I was waiting for Mongoloid to ask "Ugh, is that Madonna singingggg?"

What made this already perfect scene even more magical was Jim aka Derrick who refered to himself in 3rd person. When a contestant refers to themselves in 3rd person it means they've officially fucking lost it.

"I'm Derrick & Derrick is imperfect" sobbing, more sobbing & then he says out loud to himself "Don't cry! Stop it!"

He has the looks of a Jim Halpert but the personality of a Toby.

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                -All his co workers when he gets back-

It's now the Pro Flowers rose ceremony & all the roses should go to the person who made Blow Out's gown.

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Aaron Rodgers brother takes her outside & he tells her “I want to be in love and engaged at the end of this & I think we can get there.”

Her eyes light up at the thought of having Olivia Munn as her sister-in-law, just say yes now so you can start going with her to summer movie premieres!

Inside Angry Elf complains how he's never gotten a one on one date. Another reason this episode has been my least hated, besides that "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" scene, it's also the episode we've heard & seen the LEAST of Alex. Whoever is the new babysitter on set I applaud you.

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Maybe one of the reasons he's so angry is because God forgot to give him a neck. It's the rose ceremony & the bottom 2 are Rescue Puppy & Angry Elf. She then starts hyperventilating &  pulls a Carrie Bradshaw as she runs down the marble stairs away from the Contesticles. I would run away too, Angry Elf is going to Lifetime psycho ex boyfriend on her when he's cut! Have your future husband Jordan break up with him for you! He can just put his hand on his forehead to push him away!

She runs down the steps without holding onto any handrails in a full length gown, you are more of an athlete & soldier than any guy in that room girl!

“What just happened?” Harrison asks her in an intense whisper, yeah JoJo he doesn't want to be on set any longer than the contractual 7 minutes he has to be! He doesn't get paid millions of dollars just to wait around for you to take your time on a decision, he has parties at Kris Jenner's house to fucking get to!

She tells him "I don't want to give this rose out"

I assume it's because Former Swimmer/Current homosexual Robby asked for it for his scrapbook.

So Rescue Puppy is going to pack Angry Elf in his guitar case because they're both eliminated????

Sadly, no.

In typical Lord Farquad fashion, Alex is more upset that they BOTH got roses than the fact he got to stay. To quote Jean Ralphio you are

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Oh by the way next week we get to see him wear a beret, which after he gets eliminated he can use for a hammock.

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Tell me in the comments Kittens who you rank from worst to least worst. Honestly at this point I would marry that female opera singer over any of them. I love you for reading!

XOXO

A.

the bachelorette

Uruguayyyy too Boring

We open the show with the contesticles all talking about how interesting JoJo is, I'm just kidding! They're obviously talking about The Chad. They talk more about Chad than Donald Trump talks about himself. The Chad & Choady James Marsden (aka Alex) are out on their two on one date & once the guys see a PA come pick up Chad's suitcase & take it away they start screaming like they're being circumcised as they jump in the air giving each other high fives. They all scream "hell yeah!" at the top of their lungs & give each other intense bro hugs.

James Taylor aka Ugly Chris Pratt says, "Alex did his job & now the world is right. We have defeated evil"

You're not Seal Team 6 who just killed Bin Laden, calm down. Aaron Rodgers’ brother is celebrating like he just won the Super Bowl because lets face it this is the closest he will ever come to knowing what that feels like.

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Just when I think my eyeballs can't roll any further in the back of my head they all go out on the deck & Ugly Chris Pratt brings his guitar – because of course he does, he's like Lynus with the fucking blanket, the only difference is the blanket didn't ear rape us. Ugly Chris Pratt plays the 4 chords he knows over & over as the gonads all stand in a circle of plaid shirts & v-necks like a femmy cult about to do a sacrifice. Wells Fargo (who was the one I hated the least till now) stands in the center as the master of ceremonies holding a giant container of protein powder because the producers love any excuse for forced prop comedy.

"We are gathered here today to honor who is arguably the worst person anyone has ever met"

You do realize people have met Kim Jong-un, Charles Manson & Paul Ryan Right?

The Chad's honestly the WORST person anyone has ever met? You think a guy who had Kenny Powers confidence & worked out a lot is the ultimate Anti Christ and should be put at the top of the list before Brock Turner?

Was The Chad arrogant? Yes. Did he threaten violence after 3 weeks of being provoked by insults & guys instigating fights with him? Yes. But Mr. Polly Pocket threatened the same amount of violence to him but I guess those didn't count because he is the size of Peter Dinklage so the only real damage he can do is tying your shoelaces together & biting your ankles.

The only person The Chad actually did anything to was Evalyn & it wasn't even to him it was to his $15 dollar shirt. I don't blame The Chad, even Evalyn's own immune system is trying to fight him, he's had like 7 nosebleeds since being in the house or maybe its just his face getting its period.

If they honestly think The Chad is the worst person ever then they live a very charmed life  in a Lisa Frank painted world. The Chad is a "luxury" real estate agent from Tulsa, not a member of ISIS.

Has he fucked any of your moms? Did he walk out on your sister after she told him she was pregnant with his baby? Did he shoot Cecil the lion? Their group hatred & obsession over one person is insane. It's ironic that they all whined & tattled to Brunette Isla Fischer about The Chad being a bully while all 15 of them are outside doing a hatred circle jerk about ONE guy. Yeah, that’s not mob mentality bullying at all. Do you not realize that ALL of you are douchebags? Seriously this entire house came from the Summers Eve aisle. At least The Chad had hilarious & accurate commentary.

Evalyn the wormy ex pastor/boner specialist who looks like the weird brother from Wedding Crashers says, "We are all having a funeral, we are taking his protein powder that is left over & spreading his protein ashes"

Speaking of funerals I'm going to have one for my vagina, because it shriveled up & died watching this scene. Evalyn does his confessional in what appears to be another $15 American Apparel shirt that has protein powder or dandruff all over it. I’m pretty sure its dandruff because his hair looks greasier than a plate of Chinese food.

This MENstration group should have thrown a funeral for the audience because the only entertaining person on this 2 hour time suck is now officially gone. Watching Bracelet aka Ben Higgins the human pillow talk about how his best friends were at risk 11 year olds at the youth center was even more entertaining than watching these dickholes.

The gonads all take a handful of white protein powder & throw it over the balcony as they squeal & cheer like a Bachelorette party throwing penis confetti. God, why was it protein powder & not Anthrax?

Wells Fargo dramatically says "Death to tyrants!" Wow Wells, all that Game of Thrones cosplay you do on the weekends has clearly paid off!

He then kicks the protein tub over the balcony & all I can think besides how much this group of "men" makes me want to become a lesbian is how many takes did it take for him to actually get the kick right. Also, way to litter in a forest!

People say women are catty & dramatic? Did you see the girls last season hold a fake funeral for Olivia and her 137 teeth once she was kicked off? I don't think so.

How did Canadian compare The Chad to Hitler but never compare Alex to Napoleon? Also Hitler was way closer to Alex’s height than The Chad.

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Of course The Chad (aka the producers decide to make him) go back to the house. He stands outside the door looking in as he keeps knocking like he's a Jehovah's Witness. Canadian in his sleeveless hoodie sweatshirt (which I guess if for when your chest & head are freezing but your arms are hot)opens the door.

Evalyn glares at him with his arms crossed like he's protecting his dungeons of dragons cards all while safely hiding behind Aaron Rodgers’ brother, like the limp penis of a man he is.

Evalyn- "I hope Chad’s not here for his protein powder or were all going to be toast!" What a Manly sentence. Evelyn has the comebacks of Screech, but with even less masculinity.

They all stare at him & Canadian awkwardly asks him how the date went as if they don't already know. Chad says how on their one on one time that Choady James Marsden spent the entire time talking about him. He's not wrong.

Aaron Rodgers’ brother "I understand what it would be like to have a group of people not see the way you see things, so if you want to take this time to be genuinely sorry that would be great for all of us"

So you want a guy that all of you harassed, provoked & shit talked to apologize to all of you for your hurt feelings?

Chad says he's not going to apologize because he doesn't regret anything he said.

Aaron Rodgers’ brother "I’m sorry that you can’t be man enough to apologize when I apologized & all of us just apologized"

Umm no you didn't apologize, you demanded that he should & literally no one else said anything except glare.

Jordan tells Chad to shake his hand again & Chad won't. He already shook your hand once Jordan, which I imagine is sticky with hair gel so I don't blame him for not doing it again, you guys didn't just close a luxury real-estate business deal.

Before The Chad leaves Shakespeare Villain Evan does the masculine move of asking-

"Do you have your wallet on you? You owe me a shirt"

Actually Evan now you owe me a shirt because I just threw up a little on mine.

The Chad says, "Are you that broke? I thought you owned dick clinics?"

I can't believe this gift of a man is now leaving. Ugh this makes me feel like when Olivia was left on that island, there goes our entertainment. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO NOW?!? I HAVE TO WATCH THESE FUCKING PIECES OF CELERY FOR HOW MANY MORE WEEKS?!

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They bring him a tray of cupcakes – How else do you celebrate a child’s accomplishment? He smashes his face into them. No surprise we all know those baby cake-smashing parties are very popular.

Hey Evalyn, did this cake remind you of your 3 children's birthdays you're probably missing?

It's now the cocktail party in the reception hall of the hotel (the kind you have company seminars at). For some reason Blow Out is dressed in a sequin pageant gown, it looks great on her but why is she dressed so fancy for a cocktail party? Is there a Miss Pennsylvania pageant going on in one of the other halls? Why are you wearing a Fritze Bernais?

The guys are also dressed up in their best Men’s Wearhouse suits & it looks like they were all groomsmen in a wedding where Lord Farquad was the ring bearer.

First up is Chase (the less attractive & even less interesting version of Jordon Rodgers) he takes her outside & says dopily "I stole some of the knocker balls" from where? The housekeeping cart in the hotel? Were they next to the mini shampoo & conditioners?

She looks at him and acts shocked "OMG chase! You didn't!"

You're right JoJo, he didn't! A PA had to go to the nearest Dicks Sporting Good store & buy them and then place them in the bushes exactly where the producers marked out for you to stand.

"OMGoooddd" laughs & puts her hands to her face  "That's amazing!!!!"

Has anyone noticed that JoJo's reaction to everything is to act like Taylor Swift at award shows? She always puts her hands over her mouth & goes "OMG No! Really! WHAT?!That’s amazing!!"

Doofus traps her in the ball with him & he says “My relationship with JoJo at this point is incredibly comfortable.”

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 -Yeah, it looks super comfortable!-

Which producer was in charge of pitching this idea? "Ok so I know that we NORMALLY have them sit on a secluded bench somewhere but what I think would be really great since she's going to be in a gown & heels on cement – lets have her look like the bubble boy! Huh? Huh? Good right?!

Next is Former Swimmer Robby & he takes her outside to the giant hotel fountain, after that last bullshit move I'm afraid the producers next zany activity is going to have them get in the fountain & reenact the FRIENDS opening instead Robby tells her he wants them to make wishes- barf. Its more of a literal move from the fountain thing, what's even worse is Blow Out asks him "How do we do this?!" as if the penny he just handed her was a fucking Rubik’s Cube.

Robby: “I can't tell you my wish but I’ll give you a hint… it has to do with you and I… like, a very intensely shiny object… 42 days from now.” Ooh is she going to take a knife & stab him in 42 days!? At least now we have something to look forward to!

Oh he's talking about an engagement ring? For some reason I feel he has more experience giving the person he's dating a cock ring.

All the contesticles look on angrily through the hotel window like peeping Toms as they complain that he's kissing her, have they not realized that’s what has been happening at least 14 times a day for the last 3 weeks. Why all of a sudden are you guys afraid of getting mono? She has kissed more in 3 weeks than I have my 27 years of being alive.

If I was a hotel guest & I saw JoJo in her gown & Robby next to her I would assume that’s just her gay pageant coach or hairdresser.

Evelyn-“Now everybody’s kind of starting to look around like, ‘has he kissed her?’… Everybody’s kind of judging where each guy stands, so I think everybody’s a little bit nervous.” Ok it's not a Clue. We're not trying to figure out who finger banged her in the library with a candlestick.

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Next- James F (Who? Exactly). At first I just thought he was a really dressed up camera guy that happened to be in the shot by mistake but I guess he's a contestant? Kudos to you James for managing to stay completely hidden yet make it to the free trip. The invisible man sits next to Blow Out & says the worst 4 words you can hear from a guy –

"I have a poem"

Me-

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I would rather have a guy tell me "I gave you AIDS" at least then I could reach my goal weight of Tom Hanks in Philadelphia.

Hey guy who we've never seen till tonight – you're not Dr. Seuss or Shel Silverstein no one wants to hear your poem . He reads this terrible poem that sounds like it was written by a child who was held back a couple grades. JoJo tears up, I would too, because I would be crying with laughter. I think her eyes are watering because she's biting her tongue so hard that her mouth is filling up with blood.

Right then Baby Gaston walks in, ugh just when I thought it couldn't get worse than the poem, I was wrong. He sits down next to her (of course his feet don't tough the ground) & tells her that his focus is all on her, really? because this entire season all we have heard you talk about is The Chad & other contestants enough to where it sounds like you have a string theory chart about all of them like you're fucking Carrie in Homeland.

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Luke who looks who looks like a Dragon Ball Z character sits down & talks to her & in the 4 minutes of him talking to her we see him blink once. He tells her since meeting her "my heart beats a lot faster now," maybe that’s just your PTSD Luke.

Evelyn  complains, "now that The Chad is gone all the other guys have turned into mini chads" or in Alex’s case mini mini (not) fun sized Chad.

Non-Blinker asks Evelyn "Have you gone yet? Because I'm going for seconds if you don't want to go" I love that Isla Fischer is being talked about like she's an all you can eat buffet.

Evalyn answers "I'm trying!" trying? All you have to do is walk into the next room.  It took you longer to put on the 19 pieces of jewelry that you're wearing than it would to walk over & weird her out.

"It's crazy how all the guys who are so compassionate for JoJo & are willing to jump in front of me." Oh come on Evelyn, don't pretend you wouldn't love to play naked leapfrog with these guys. You're an ex-pastor/current boner specialist – the two creepiest jobs you can have.

No one feels compassion for you Evalyn. The only person I have compassion for is the woman you somehow convinced to have sex with you 3 times. You are the best advertisement for your business because you are epitome of a flaccid penis – weird looking & you just hang there completely useless.

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Aaron Rodgers’ brother than takes her by the hand in front of everybody & as they turn the corner of the rec hall he literally shoves her into the corner & starts attacking her face drunk like a drunk groomsmen with one of the bridesmaids. They are kissing so loud that it sounds like a toothless woman eating corn on the cob. If only he had kept his hands on the ball as much as he's keeping his hands on JoJo’s ass he would probably still be a football player.

As the guys sit on the other side of the wall as the obvious winner dry humps her on the other side Evelyn whimpers "I haven't gotten time with her yet!" Yes, I’m sure after feeling Jordan’s non-flaccid penis against her dress she really wants to have one on one time with the a guy who looks like he'd play the pedophile on Law & order SVU who is wearing more jewelry than Steven Tyler.

It's now The 7 Eleven rose ceremony & she cuts the poem guy & Canadian.

Canadian - “I just wasn’t the type of guy for her, and fair enough. She’s obviously going for personality and obviously my personality is shit.”

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-I have never seen someone so self aware-

He continues, “If this was based solely on looks, there’s a good chance I would still be here"

Really? I guess if it was based solely on who looks most like a vampire/street magician than yes.

"There’s millions of people in the world, and you know, the chance of her falling for me, I got a better chance of getting struck by lightning… while you know… shaving my face.”

Why are you shaving your face outside? Getting struck by lightning while shaving your face is technically THE most statistically improbable event besides me sleeping with Lord Farquad.

I want the confidence that The Chad & Canadian have, they need to bottle it & sell it. I have gone to countless therapists, healers & hypnotists and I've never once had that delusional confidence I so desire.

Pageant Gown tells the remaining douches "I’m ready to take this international! I’m gonna take you guys somewhere exotic and romantic." MORE EXOTIC THAN NEMACOLIN, PENNSYLVANIA?!?

"We are headed south, to where South America’s most elite go to play. We are going to Punta del Este, Uruguay.”

OMG Uruguay?! How romantic! Where are the next trips to Ethiopia & Iraq? Where South America's most elite go to play? I had no idea that Sophia Vergara & Shakira’s favorite "play" spot was Uruguay!

All the guys scream with excitement like they know where the fuck that is. I wish they would have had them all have to show on a map where Uruguay is & since none of them would be able to do it the show would be over. This is the most torturous show I have ever seen. The reason it took me over a week to write this is because I watched it in 10-minute increments. The only enjoyable thing about this show are JoJo’s outfits, why can’t she just be a fashion blogger on Instagram & save us all from this torture? The only person I liked on the show was The Chad & now that he's gone we are left with these dickholes who collectively have the personality of a wet paper towel roll. We have 46 more hours of this? Barf.

Next, we see stock footage of Uruguay as JoJo’s voice over says how beautiful the beaches are & how the people are so friendly – yes I’m sure you spent a lot of time with the locals JoJo. She continues talking about the sights & culture of Uruguay as we see her sitting safely in her hotel room 108 stories up from the actual streets of Uruguay at a coffee table drinking tea looking out the window. It’s clear the only local she has met is her room service guy.

The sponsorship is The Grande Hotel, which looks like a fancy Sheraton. The guys all start fist pumping & hollering as they walk up to the hotel in a horizontal line, ya know how you normally walk like you’re in a firing squad? They all say how they can't believe they're getting to stay here, um, have you never seen a hotel room before? You're acting like a bunch of Amish guys on rumspringa. You're sharing a hotel room with 500 count sheets calm down.

Evelyn-"We even have a 360 degree view of the ocean!" No you don't, your hotel isn't on an island.

Napoleon runs to open the envelope & reads the date card like it's a birthday card from his grandma that has a whole $20 in it.

"Jordan....." as he realizes that’s it's not his name on the card he slows down & takes a pause like he's Maury announcing the results of a paternity test as if reading the card slower will make Jordan late for his date & he won't get to see JoJo.

After taking 3 minutes to read the 6 words on the card, Mr. Polly Pocket finishes & all of the guys sit stone faced & glaring at Jordan with jealousy as Jordan does a slow clap for himself. He gets up & goes into the bathroom to run his hands through his hair 50 times like he's Marsha Brady & also to change into an identical v-neck as he was wearing before that’s just a slightly darker shade of green than the last one.

I hope the sight of the brand new v-neck he just put on leads Evelyn to start cutting himself, at least he has 37 bracelets to cover the scars.

Wells-" I was kind of angry, it should be my name on that card."

You know where your name shouldn't have been? Your birth certificate because it’s fucking awful. Wells says Aaron Rodgers’ brother is only on this show for another stamp on his passport. That’s not fair I’m sure Aaron Rodgers’ brother gets to travel all the time to go watch his brother be successful.

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Vinny the barber who ironically has the worst haircut out of all of them appears to be using binoculars for the first time ever as he just used them to look around the room. If you're using the binoculars to try to find the reason you're still there – don't bother its non-existent.

The puss wad squad continues to complain in their double suite

Unfunny Jim Halpert – Not to stereotype all football players but.... (Well if you’re stereotyping football players, it wouldn't apply to Jordan...just his brother).

Clear eyes full heart can’t lose an opportunity to be the Bachelor!

Lord Farqad -"Jordan’s on a date... cool. I bet they're having a great time"

Ok bitter party of one your high chair is ready!

Meanwhile BlowOut & Jordan meet on the dock & they do their 27th Note Book kiss where she runs to him,he lifts her up and they makes out. I swear the only time his hands aren't holding her up by her ass as they kiss is when she's in a full-length skintight gown.

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They make out on the boat some more & then Jordan points & says "seals" like a child at a zoo.Blow Out does her over excited shocked laugh "OMG!!!! " Clasps her hands in front of her mouth-"You can see them!?"

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Yeah JoJo he can see them because there are literally a hundred of them on the beach – I know football players have a lot of concussions according to that Will Smith movie but he's not Stevie Wonder.

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Hopefully this goes better than Pig Island last season. It's ironic they would choose a swimming date for the people who spend the most time on their hair out of everyone on the show. They dryhump in the water as she rides his midsection as the seals swim away from them because even they're uncomfortable with PDA. If their suits weren't wet before they definitely are now.

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Back at the hotel the gossip queens are at Vinnie’s "barber shop" & by barber shop I mean that they took the vending machines out of the corner of hallway & put up a paper sign that says "Vinny's barber shop" written in highlighter by a rushed PA.

I'm sorry but it's not a barbershop unless Cedric the Entertainer is sitting in a chair dressed as an old man. Lord Farquad is getting his haircut & I’m surprised he’s not sitting in a space ship chair that they use for when children get their hair cut.

He says how "Jordan is a former NFL player so JoJo already knew who he was going into this." Um He's not Tom Brady. "He's not here for the right reasons." Thank god we have Napoleon as the right reasons police! He was the kid in his school that would remind the teacher she hadn't collected the homework yet & took hall monitoring way too seriously.

The right reasons to come on this show – to get 15 minutes of fame, gain a couple thousand new Instagram followers & hopefully another paycheck to go on Bachelor In Paradise. I would say the wrong reason to come on this show was if you were genuinely looking for love & to have people respect you.

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The producers have clearly been watching UnReal & stole one of their plot lines by planting a tabloid magazine about JoJo in Vinny's "barber shop". Of course it’s brought up very naturally

Unfunny Jim Halpert- " Oh-my-god Vinny... What is this?"

Wells Fargo – Cmon man why you keeping these gossip magazines?

Farquad- "yeah man WHAT'S UP WITH THAT"

Vinny- "Men love gossip"

JoJo's boobs are more natural than this dialogue. It sounds like a bad play that aliens wrote about humans but that they didn't really work that hard on.

Lord Farqad "if its true no one’s going to think she's really here for love & that it’s just for publicity." He sits there angrily staring at the magazine. Listen, I know you're disappointed it's not a Highlights magazine & you didn't get to find the toaster in the tree but calm the fuck down.

The pusswad squad continues complaining (big surprise)

Wells -"I sacrificed a lot to be here!"

No you didn't. You went through 10 auditions to get to leave your job for 3 months for free trips & to make out with a stranger while promote your morning zoo radio show- call down. You clearly didn't sacrifice your training for a body building competition, the only thing you sacrificed was your dignity.

Back at the basic suite all the contesticles are talking about if she's here for the wrong reasons. Jesus Christ she's not here to steal everyone social security cards.

Blow Out & Aaron Rodgers Brother are at the dinner date which of course they don't eat. The only nutrients JoJo gets is from champagne & men's saliva that’s how she stays so skinny. She tells him that she has a fear of getting her hear broken, wow how isolating it must be for her that she is the only person in the world with that specific fear.

JoJo says how she had met one of his ex's & she said that he wasn't a good boyfriend. He blinks at her like he's doing Morse code with eyes. He's blinked more in the last minute than Luke has the past 5 episodes. He’s now manically brushing his hair back that I’m surprised he has any hair left.

He says the reason his relationship suffered was "My number one priority was sports, I was focused on becoming the best football player I could be.” Well we all know how well that turned out...

She asks if there was cheating & before she can even finish her question he blurts "NO!" Way too quickly. Yeah that doesn't look guilty at all. She looks at him suspiciously "I wish I could read your mind."

"I’m really not thinking anything." That’s the most honest thing Jordan ever said there is NOTHING that he's thinking on this date, or ever. The only thing going on in his mind is a highlight reel of his glory days of being a quarterback.

Jordan does the hail mary move of "my pastor always told me" this is my 3rd "FUCK NO" on a date

, 1) Here’s a song

2) Here's a poem

3) My pastor said

I'd rather hear you quote Jeff Foxworthy "You know you're a redneck when..." than quote a fucking church mentor.

Aaron Rodgers Brother - "Don't say you love someone unless you're willing to put a ring on their finger"

So your pastor was Beyonce?

He tells her how he's falling in love with her & JoJo basically asks him if there will come a point where he'll be too afraid of his feelings for her that he'll run away. Ok Michael Scott.

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Brunette Isla Fischer Confessional -"I was so scared during this conversation with Jordan, but now I'm not as scared anymore"

Scared? Did you think he was going to pull a Ray Rice? Or dump you on the middle of your non eating dinner date? That’s ridiculous he still has so much camera time to soak up!

They of course go for a walk & just happen to run into a mariachi band playing at 1 am in the middle of a courtyard & Jordan dances proving he is the whitest person alive. I’m surprised he didn't do The Carlton. No wonder other countries hate Americans. I hate us after watching this show.

We get back to the hotel & as if this show isn't boring enough they literally show her pushing the button for the elevator, waiting for the elevator, her getting in the elevator pressing her floor button & waiting for it to go up, her getting out of the elevator & her walking down the hallway to the room, it literally looks like a video teaching people how to get into a hotel room.

In her confessional "I’m just so happy I don't think anything could take away this feeling" cue the pa from UnReal automatically saying "I want to show you something" as he hands her the tabloid" "open it up" yeah open it up to the page they clearly marked for you.

The contesticles fill Aaron Rodgers’ brother in on what forced drama is happening. Vine decides to speak his 8th sentence on the show "well there was a tabloid-" as he's quickly cut off by you guessed it! It really is true, kids never shut the fuck up.

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Lord Farqaud who for some reason is shirtless by the way when everyone else is fully clothed?! I'm not sure what’s worse about Alex his personality or his tattoos, which are bigger than he is.

JoJo is "crying" in her testimonial as her eye makeup remains perfect & no tear streaks on her foundation. Just like Vinny her tears are invisible.

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She's so fake upset she forgets to put on her shoes . She cries to the contesticles about the article & says how ashamed she is to be in this magazine, like it’s a picture of her in Hustler wearing nothing but a swastika armband. It’s a 2-page interview your ex gave to In Touch, calm the fuck down. I would love to be in ANY magazine!

Lord Farqad "This just shows what an asshole THAT CHAD IS ALSO!" His gap kids pants tighten a little more now that he gets to bring up The Chad again.

All the guys get in line to hug her as she holds tightest to Jordan hoping that Evalyn will eventually get tired of waiting for his hug & go back to his room to sort out his man jewelry.

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The next day is group date as Aaron Rodgers Brother & Former Swimmer have their zany man spa date. They're in robes, facemarks & cucumbers on their eyes getting pedicures.

BUT WAIT, THEY ARE MEN! THIS IS HILARIOUS BECAUSE THE ROLES ARE REVERSED! HOW SILLY! LOOK NOWS HES EATING THE CUCUMBER OFF HIS EYES LOLOLOLOL

For the group date we see JoJo in the sand dunes & we can already tell this is going to be worse than Sex & The City 2 . She's in black leggings, boots, a wife beater with a jeweled armband & a plaid shirt tied around her waist- you know in case it gets cold in the sand dessert of South America. Who knew that the same outfit you would wear to a Beyonce concert is also the ideal outfit to wear sand surfing?! Also why are we in a desert sand surfing when there is actual ocean & another opportunity to put JoJo in a bikini?

We start the zany sand surfing date & I think it's nice that there is a grain of sand for every time they mentioned Chad’s name. Lord Farquad loves this date because it reminds him of being in his sandbox at the playground .Big surprise who the worst is -fucking Evalyn. I would love to see the b roll of all the times Evayln & Farquad fell, I’m shocked none of the contestant have "former sand surfer " as a job title.

Non-Blinker- "this hill is steep enough to break somebody's leg"

Fingers crossed! It would be great if it was Alex & then all the Oompa Loompas back at the factory could sign his cast.

I wish instead of sand boarding it had been water boarding. I'm just wishing that giant sand tiger from Aladdin would have eaten all of them except for Implants.

Back at the Sheraton, Former Swimmer gets a date card & says

"Tomorrow everyone in America will see whose in love with JoJo! (does finger guns at himself)"

America already knows whose in love with JoJo-her brothers. Also you're in love with her? Tomorrow is literally your first date with her.

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-Who has two thumbs and is a closeted homosexual with a fake job? THIS GUY!-

At the cocktail party we play the game of Hot JoJo Potato as we toss her around.

Lord Farquad "everyone thinks Derricks a good guy, BUT I DONT, I DONT LIKE THE GUY! I think he's a very calculated person, a very jealous person & gives off this vibe of insecurity!"

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Are you describing yourself? The night you met her you insisted she watch you do pushups. Farquad you calling someone insecure is like Giuliana Rancic calling someone anorexic.

Angry Elf now has his time as he sits on his highchair at the bar grasping on to her hand so tightly I thought it was going to break. Yeah, you're not insecure at all.

He tells her "This is as real as it’s ever been in my whole life, you can’t get this connection with text messages ya know."

You know your life is bad when the realest "love " you've ever felt for a person is a girl you've known for 3 weeks that you've shared with 25 other guys on a reality show.

Angry Elf you're a walking emoji of the shit icon.

JoJo is still talking about the magazine "last night reading that magazine, it was one of the worst nights of my life"

Really? I thought one of the worst nights of your life would have been when Bracelet dumped you in front of America.

She gives Jim Halpert the safety rose & angry baby is so mad by this I’m shocked he didn't smash his beer sippy cup against the wall.He's pissed because Jim Halpert got "the pitty rose" Where was your anger earlier this season when Evelyn got a sympathy rose literally saying "either give me the rose over Chad or I’m leaving. "

Lord Farquads confessional: “My mind has officially been blown. She literally said, ‘I’m gonna give you this rose for your reassurance.’ So, now I get to speculate that he told her that he needs validation. He’s an insecure little bitch… I don’t need a group-date rose to feel okay. That’s the difference between myself and Derek is I don’t want the pity rose.”

No, the difference between you & Derrick is 8 inches.

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The next day we see Blow Out on the beach playing hide & seek with a "stray dog" aka one of the productions dogs because they cant risk a stray going Kujo on her & giving the bachelorette rabies. Honestly, I’d rather sleep with the dog than any of these contestants.

You know back at the hotel Angry Elf is saying, "That dog is here for the wrong reasons!"

Although if Angry Elf was on the date they could do a beach trail ride with JoJo on a horse & Elf riding the dog.

Blow Out-"It's our last day here so I want us to spend the day soaking up the South American culture"

Oh, so you guys are going to be doing cocaine & hiding from human traffickers?! No – instead they do something that’s even more authentic to South American culture – they try on silly hats!!! LOLOLOLOL

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Former Swimmer puts on a newsboy cap (barf) & JoJo says "You look like Ryan Gosling right now!" Well, they are both male & they are both breathing so I guess?

They eat from a food truck, "Cheers to authentic Uruguay food!" Yes paninis are native to Uruguay!

Swimmer -"I love Uruguay food!”

Of course you do Robby! I’m sure there’s tons of Uruguayan cuisine restaurants in Jacksonville, FL. If you had to manufacture a person who looks like a trust fund baby that spent his summers as a kid at the country club, it would be Robby.

They go rock climbing & Closet Case asks if she'll jump off the cliff with him. You wouldn't have to ask me twice to jump off a cliff, I'd rather do that than continue watching this show.

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His shorts are brighter than the sun in a print that looks like he stole it from Zach Morris in the Saved by the Bell Hawaii episode. It’s a testament to how hot Jojo is that she's even able to pull off wearing those rock climbing toe shoes.

If there’s any two people on this show who should be jumping into sharp rocks it's Farquad & Evalyn.

They do the stereotypical jump scene where they can talk for 10 minutes after about how it shows that it’s about taking risks with each other & they have the strength to trust the unknown blahahaha, water makeout, water makeout. She keeps saying how this really showed how much she trusted Swimmer. It should be how much you trust the show intern who they had jump off the cliff first to test it.

Meanwhile Farquad & Chase (the less attractive & interesting version of Jordan) try to intimidate Unfunny Jim Halpert the same way they did to Chad. I used to think Evelyn was the absolute worst but Angry Elf surpasses that.

I get he was a marine & I appreciate his service to our country, but I don't appreciate his service on my television.

Farquad to Unfunny Jim Halpert "She could have said I chose to give this rose to a guy because I like him a lot BUT SHE DIDNT SAY THAT instead she said I’m giving this rose to reassure someone. You don't need to prove anything to me."

(Except how you're here for the right reasons because I told everyone that you weren't)

"We don't go around picking fights with people. I’m not saying that you're weak I’m just saying that its almost too good" as he & his tall stupider sidekick laugh.

Chase – "I’m done here are you done here?"

Angry Elf – in his best Straight out of Compton voice "yeah we done"- ok strap him back in his baby bjorn chase!

Unfunny Jim Halpert in his confessional says, "They are acting like Mean Girls"

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Chase is Gretchen Weiners "Regina doesn't even like you that much! Why would she give you a rose!?"

Do we hate Alex because he's short? Or is he short because we hate him?

Robby & JoJo are at the "romantic dinner" portion were the Swimmer says his sob story. He tells her that what brought him here is that his childhood friend died in a car accident a year ago" blah blah blah I realize you have to live for today blah blah blah

"And that my friend, well...he would want me to be here.” Yes I’m sure that’s on his headstone. I hope that if I die my best friend will mention it in the same sentence as when she tells someone she loves them on a reality show

" with that being said with the passing of my friend – I need to tell you I love you"

JoJo's response "Thank you so much" & then gives him the rose just so the ghost of his dead friend doesn't follow her around & haunt her in the fantasy suite.

JoJo is like Ariel from the Little Mermaid – gorgeous, looks great in a bikini top & doesn't really say much on a date just stares with her big gorgeous eyes.

We have them kiss on the beach & of course shockingly there are fireworks going off at that exact same time! What are the odds!? It's a good thing they did the fireworks with one of the guys that has a fake job instead of with Non-Blinker the explosion noises could have lead to some bad war flashbacks.

At the cocktail party Jim Halpert tries asks to talk to Jordan, The even dumber version of Jordan (Chase) & Angry Elf.

Jim tries to confront them about their Mean Girl behavior, which they all laugh off, & than accuse him of being sensitive & trying to distract them from the time they should be spending with JoJo at the party-even though she's not even there yet.

Angry Elf-" he's a sensitive little bitch, that’s not normal behavior!"

Yeah like your behavior of talking about every single guy to JoJo & in your confessionals is normal. He takes everything so seriously it's scary. Angry Elf is the type of guy you would see on the news for a road rage incident.

No one's after your Lucky Charms, calm the fuck down.

The Pro Flowers ceremony comes & she FINALLY eliminates Evelyn, along with Handsome Squidward & Vinny the Barber.

Evelyn of course is crying, "I wanted to be a freakin front runner ya know?"

-Front-runners don't say they want to be front-runners. Also the only front-runner you'll ever be is if they have a Shakespearean Villain look a like contest. I hope he at least picked up souvenirs for his 3 children he abandoned for a month.

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Evelyn don't forget your painting of The Chad & your 40 pieces of American Eagle jewelry!

The Bachelor

Plain Cheeseburger In Paradise

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Well Kittens, after 507 hours of our lives having to sit here & watch Oatmeal & a bunch of product placement for various 3 star hotel destinations, it's finally here! The finale that no one has been waiting for- Bracelet is finally going to add a ring to his accessory collection.

We open with Kris Jenner’s friend Chris Harrison sitting with a live studio audience of excited soccer moms who missed out on getting to be a part of Oprah's audience so this is the second best thing. Chris says how this is the first time in White Bland Man with a Rose history that the bachelor has ever said "I love you" to two girls. Since last week Potato said that he would marry the girl next week if he could, they have flown both families & have them backstage as well as Pillow’s hometown pastor from Pawnee. Cut to backstage as we see a pastor pretending to read the bible and fake write notes on a yellow legal pad, BARF. If this is the same pastor who picked the scripture that Pillow got that terrible tattoo of, than he should be fired.

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Chris Harrison says if everything goes according to plan then he will be married live on this stage before the night is over & then we pan over to wedding archway that looks like they stole it from the local high school drama club set. Did we spend too much money flying out the families’ first class? Or did the archway budget get spent on all the wine JoJo's mom aka Mamma Elsa's twin drink? Get it together Bachelor.

So now we get to start the viewing party, the audience goes wild, while I fall asleep in my makeup petting my cat, which is why I'm watching this & writing it the day after.

We have pretty much the exact same scene twice; just one is a much hotter version. Both girls-Lauren Basic & JoJo Isla Fisher are walking around the Sandals resort in top knots & Forever 21 jorts talking about how this is the moment their lives have been changed forever & they can't imagine ever feeling this way about another man. Lauren Basic is still walking around like she has diaper rash, or she is just sore from that 6 1/2 minutes of missionary with Marshmallow in the Sandals fantasy suite.

We have lots of cut-a-ways to Bracelet walking around in shorts & mandals (barf) as if Churchface couldn't get any less attractive to me. I'm literally counting down the seconds till I see him in those footie toe runner socks. The producers are going for him looking torn & confused, to me he just looks like he's doing a diarrhea commercial in a tropical setting trying to find the nearest bathroom.

He's saying that he can't imagine saying goodbye to either of these women because he loves both of them. But how is he supposed to propose to one when he is in love with someone else & what if he makes a mistake & chooses the wrong one. Well thankfully that's what they have divorce for! Plus, there are always affairs! I'm kidding, but not really.

Bracelet goes to meet his parents at a near by vacation villa & he's wearing a polo that is even whiter than he is so its hard to tell where he ends & the shirt begins. He tells his mom who looks like the teacher who would never give you a late pass that he's in love with two women. The look on her face is the same as if he told her he just ran over the mailbox, she just purses her lips and looks off at the husband like "ugh, I guess we have to deal with THIS now, just great, another thing on top of my day!"

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In her confessional she says quote " *eye roll & deep sigh* First of all it's really disturbing to me."

-I'm really mad they cut her off because I wanted to hear what her second & third things were!

Lauren Basic pulls up & gets out holding a bouquet that looks like she stole it from the front desk lobby of the Sandals check-in desk, when they weren't looking & brings a bottle of wine. Umm you're not meeting JoJo's mom, plus I'm pretty sure Bachelor has your alcohol covered since they have on the last 79 dates you have had on this show, you have always miraculously had alcohol. Even in that abandoned field that miraculously had a hot tub in the middle of it with no electrical outlets for miles; there was a bubbling hot tub & bubbling champagne. But sure, have the producer’s hand you wine to bring to make it look like you are a regular girl on a regular "Meet the Parents" date. Totally casual. And I see you finally changed out of your Britney Spears ala 2007 Kevin Federline shorts & had the producers pick up some Neosporin when they got that Boone’s Farm bottle, because you seem to be walking much better.

Bracelet & Lauren Basic sit on the couch and the whole time they're talking to his parents he doesn't take his hand from rubbing her lower back, as if he's rubbing massage oil into a lower back tattoo. Remember what I told you about him being an undercover octopus? Don't let that Pillow face fool you he is a secret perv, all boring church guys are. I don't even want to know where that bracelet has been.

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Looking at his dad just confirms my suspicions that Ben is Peter Brady's son. Basic & Mom go outside & what I think was originally just his mother reaching for her much needed glass of wine, Lauren mistook for her wanting to hold hands, so she held his moms hand the whole time. Completely normal to do the first time you're meeting & talking to your boyfriend’s mother. Almost as normal as meeting your boyfriend & competing for his affection against 29 other women on national television. His mother tells her "Ben can be pretty intense, he can get pretty worked up about things," this is as hard to believe as Ben Carson being involved in that knife fight. I just can't picture him angry, intimidating, or even sending back food at a restaurant, even if it wasn't what he ordered.

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The next day is JoJo's turn to tap dance in front of the WASPS that produced this completely average Marshmallow that you could meet at any Chili’s bar across America. She shows up with a conch shell full of flowers, so obviously some PA got lazy & went to whatever gift shop was closest. Oh what the hell, she's the second date so we already know how this is going to end up, so there's a $13 spending cap.

We have déjà vu talking to his parents with almost the same conversation (minus the lower back rubbing). Just the same "From the minute she stepped out of the limo bla bla bla," "helicopter ride bla bla bla," "We have such a connection I haven't felt with anyone else" - he forgot to add the part "besides with the girl I brought here yesterday who I said the exact same things about who also held my moms hand for 2 hours no big deal."

On JoJo's one-on-one with the mom there was no sweaty hand holding, which is sad for the mom because that’s the closest she’s ever going to come to a Cartier bracelet. They did talk about how Pillow told his parents how safe he feels with JoJo & how she feels the same way (Remember how she's the one who always sounds like a war camp refugee about not feeling safe, I have a guard up, I cant let my guard down, I have a tortured past). I give JoJo a lot of credit, I wouldn't feel safe about the outfit she chose to go meet his parents, yeah it's cute- but a silk floral dress outside with no bra in the wind & it's a string tie back? Just like that Instagram quote I saw once, “You're braver than you think & stronger than you know.”

After she leaves, he goes back in to hopefully have his parents give him the answer on which girl he should marry, like its deciding what restaurant to order dinner from because he just can't decide what he feels like, he's split down the middle! The parents both say the same polite, rehearsed non-answers Bracelet has been saying about them this whole season "they're both so great, I don't know how you'll choose!" Does anyone have an opinion in this family besides about which city & high school football team is the best?

His mom says in her confessional that she's worried that her son, "I hate that at this point he doesn’t know who to plant his stake with.” 1) That's a horrible expression. 2) He already planted his stake last week with 3 girls in the fantasy suites.

We go on our last one-on-one dates & this seems like our 7th boat date of the season. Seriously he could have become a licensed captain by now, he probably knows more about boating at this point than software sales. I can see why Potato likes Lauren Basic so much, not just because her favorite food is butter so they naturally go perfect together, but because all their dates are just spent with their faces touching, staring at each other & her telling her how much she loves him & how wonderful she is. She is a blonde affirmation mirror "You're perfect," "You're so lovable," "You're so handsome," shocking a man would fall in love with a girl who just thinks he's wonderful, wants to talk about him all the time, & love his parents & his shithole town. Then Pillow starts talking about he's worried because things are SO perfect & that he's afraid things are to good to be true. Ughhh he literally finds something to whine about with every girl. He says how he knows what it's like during hard times with JoJo. Bummer you don't have two brothers who want to kill him, Lauren.

Pillow & his family just rave about how elegant & well-spoken Lauren is. She's nice, but her voice never goes above the volume or speed of the NPR women of the "Schwetty Balls Sketch,” I have never heard her say a sentence longer than 8 words. She mostly just sits there staring at Marshmallow's blank eyes and then puts his head on her shoulder like he's a baby as he nuzzles her. Barf. I wouldn't really say it's elegant, I think the word you're looking for is submissive in which case, yes I absolutely agree.

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The next day is JoJo's date & it's pretty much the exact same one she went on last week with the waterfall, except this time there’s a rope swing. I like that producers know that JoJo's looks & Sofía Vergara-esque body type lend themselves more to bouncing & Lauren Basic’s flat boyish figure is good for sitting on boats. JoJo's favorite word is afraid, her 2nd is babe- which she calls him every 5 seconds. They make out in the water & he seems way more passionate with JoJo than he does with Basic. He acts like JoJo is his sexy secretary he has at his "software job" whatever the fuck that is & how he kisses Basic is like it's his wife he's had for years & already have 3 kids together.

JoJo seems super confident about how things are going till she asks him "So you are feeling good about things?" "That’s a loaded question,” Ben says. Uh Oh. Yesterday when Basic asked that same thing you answered, "Great!" The lack of excitement in Bracelet’s voice is making JoJo nervous & she says, "I'm starting to wonder about what's going on his head & what he's having second thoughts about." Yeah I can't imagine what else is going on; maybe he has a big PowerPoint due at work.

Later that night he comes to her room & she says how today made her so nervous & she asks him if he knows who he's in love with more. He says he honestly has no idea but what he does know is that in 2 months she has become his best friend. JoJo that isn't saying much, the only friends he has are the underprivileged children at that youth center.

They go sit in the bathroom & close the door but still have their mic packs on. One thing I don't understand about all reality shows is why all the people think magically running to the bathroom & shutting the door makes them think that they are safe. Nope, your mics don't shut off within 3 ft of a toilet, we still hear you, and now you're subtitled so it's even clearer.

Ben yet again tells JoJo he’s in love with her and how hard this all is, but JoJo then forces him to admit that he told Lauren he loves her too. She starts quietly sobbing & I wish I knew if her mascara was running. I feel bad for JoJo because she honestly thought she was the only one he broke the shows rules for by telling her he loved her. “I feel like I always have to compete with other people. I’m so tired of competing,” as much as I love her & think she is way out of his league (because she is) girl, it's a show about competing. Even though I can't imagine how tiresome competing for that bowl of sugarless oatmeal for 2 months would be.

After he leaves he's red & crying like he's the one about to be broken up with on national TV. “I’m lost…I’m a lost man right now. Emotionally, I’m lost. In terms of what to do, I’m lost. I’m lost.” Jesus Christ, get your youth fellowship leader compass out.

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Do you know how hard it is to find someone I barely hate to go on a date with? Let alone want to be in a relationship with? And you're telling me you have found two people you're in love with completely equally down the middle 50%? I just can't.

The next day we meet with corporate sponsor/ Bachelor jeweler Neil Lane. He opens up a brief case of rings & it goes like this-

NL: So what is she like, is she vivacious, what do you feel about her?

Potato: Uuummmm......(long pause, looks off into distance avoiding eye contact like he's forgotten what their names are)

NL: You've chosen someone?

Potato: (Blank stare & awkward mouth twitch like when the cashier asks if you want to donate a dollar to a charity)

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He just keeps doing heavy Lamaze breathing at the rings like he's 5 inches dilated. I think he's just looking at the rings going "eeny meeny miny moe" because the tactic, when he woke up with his magic 8 ball popped up "ask again later," didn't help. I'm surprised he even picks a ring because I expected him to propose with his high school class ring. Instead he picks this- honestly I think a ring pop is more attractive than this, hell I would rather a ring worm than this shit on my finger.

The girls put on their gowns & JoJo is giving us that Texas pageant realness. Her gown is a great color, cut, beaded, her tan & boobs are perfection, and Laurens is just blue. They get into their separate helicopters & Bracelet stands there in the middle of a little stream and bridge like it's the front of a Benihana’s. “A woman I love is gonna arrive here and I’m gonna break her heart.” You're right, YOU ARE UNLOVABLE.

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She gets out of the helicopter escorted across the grass by Chris Harrison who is doing his 10 minutes of work- I give her credit for looking so graceful walking across grass in heels, in a gown when you think you're about to be proposed to or be broken up with on national TV. Either the best or worst thing in your life is about to happen in front of everyone & you have to focus on not falling. OMG the pressure, I would have a breakdown. She walks up to him & starts “from the moment I met you, you instantly intrigued me. You have continued to blow me away-" she goes on for 2 minutes about how in love she is with him & how wonderful he is and how much their time together has meant to her. At no point around the 45-second mark did you think it would be a good time to have her wrap the speech up like they do at the Oscars? Especially because you're about to dump her & discredit everything she just said? No? Ok cool.

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-How could you not tell even before the helicopter landed just by the look on his face?!-

JoJo, girl. How did you not the see the look on his face while you walked up this 75 foot tiny little Benihana bridge? He has the worst poker face ever, you should have seen this was not the face of a Potato about to be engaged, you should have walked up & said "My brothers are going to burry you on our 100 acre property & I love them too much for them to go to jail so this is over" & get in the helicopter & ride off like that terrible Natalie Portman Dior perfume commercial? Quit before you're fired!!!

You can see when he opens his mouth & starts talking she knows it's over. “I didn’t know if I could find love. I found it with you…but I found it with somebody else more.” Her heart is broken & she's more upset that he blind-sided her & is confused. He keeps holding her hand & saying that he is still in love with her and she keeps trying to lean back & pull her hand away and he holds onto it like its Lauren B & his Mom.

He asks her if he can walk her out- once again why doesn't any girl say, "Fuck no Bracelet." He keeps telling her how he's so in love her & she's his best friend & how in any other time he would choose her because she's perfect. She tells him that she trusted him & he shouldn't have told her those things if he was going to do this & that this wasn't right for him to do. Once again Pillow is a SEEMINGLY nice guy, which I think is even worse than outright bad guys. Because at least with bad guys you know what you're getting into & they don't make any promises, with seemingly good guys it's always worse because it comes out of nowhere so you didn't have time to prepare & book therapy appointments in advance.

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Pillow is crying (barf). I know I've said this before but seeing a grown man cry makes my vagina shrivel up & die. I'm Italian & very emotional but the only time I want to see the guy I'm dating cry is when there is the death of an immediate family member (obviously that includes pets) but those are the only times it acceptable.

He's crying about how JoJo is too good for him, well at least he's right about something. He walks around long enough for the makeup department to come redo his powder from him crying & give him eye drops to make him look refreshed & happy as if he's bipolar & the last gut-wrenching scene never happened at all! JoJo who?

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-He has a woman's butt-

He gets an iPhone & calls Basics dad & asks for his permission to propose to his daughter. He gives a victory woo-hoo dance, which is probably the same one he used to do when he scored a touch down.

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Basic goes up the bridge & tells Oatmeal that their first kiss is the last first kiss she wants to have- which is a line from the Will Smith movie Hitch. She then says how he's "Her person" Which is from Grey's Anatomy. (She's said this a couple times, I wonder if she originally said "You're my lobster- which is from Friends but they made her change it since Grey’s Anatomy is an ABC show). So Basic is just talking in all movie & TV quotes, I'm waiting for her to say "You complete me" & "I want you to draw me like one of your French girls."

He tells her he wants to wake up everyday & kiss her face & love her & "kiss her a lot." Well that’s good, because that’s pretty much all you have done on your dates. You & JoJo actually talked & kissed. You & Basic just looked at each other & kissed. He gets down on one knee & proposes and she says "oh god" which is what I would say too after I saw that ring. Not in a good way. They just say back & forth to each other "You're my person.” The only conversation these two do have is echoing things back to each other like parrots. Staring, kissing ,echoing ,repeat.

Potato: It feels good

Butter: It feels really good

Potato: Really Good

Butter: We're engaged

Potato: Were engaged

He picks her up & carries her in his arms to the helicopter & I'm sure they fly over JoJo's limo, as she sobs inside.

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The now go to the live after show & we bring Bracelet out first & hear him say the same thing we heard him talk about for the last 2 hours. He says how he came down to the decision of figuring out whom to choose by picking the girl he absolutely couldn't picture living his life without. Well I'm glad he feels that way, because the last 2 episodes he was still "I can't decide, I can't picture my life without both of these women with me, equally, both of them."

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Then we bring JoJo out who looks amah-zing! She is wearing a fabulous dress that has a perfect cleavage window that I don't think her brothers would be that happy about. I love that this whole season JoJo really nailed classy/sexy. Meanwhile Potato is wearing a plaid ill-fitting suit from Burlington Coat Factory, a checkered shirt & a striped tie. He is the most indecisive person on the planet, you only got to propose to one woman, but there's no contractional limit to how many patterns you can wear on TV- so fuck it, I'm going to do it all!

They both say how watching it is surreal & brings back so many memories, Helen Keller knows this. Can we cut to something we don't know or haven't seen? Like JoJo’s mom drinking from the bottle the minute her daughter was broken up with on national TV or her brothers’ reaction watching him make out with their sister under the waterfall?

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Chris Harrison announces the new Bachelorette & the Internet was wrong & it's not Character Shoes Caila, it's Jojo! THANK YOU BABY JESUS!!!!!!! The audience goes crazy & Bracelet stands up & claps but doesn't seem very pleased. He has a look on his face that says, "Just because I don't want to play with that toy anymore doesn't mean I want other kids to be able to play with it."

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-JoJo this mortifying limo entrance the producers forced upon you was fitting because you were the only unicorn in the group & I hope you find your non bracelet wearing stallion on The Bachelorette-

We send JoJo back & now it's Basics turn to come out on stage to be with Bracelet. She is wearing white lace & Chris Harrison keeps teasing that they could be getting married live, as they keep cutting to his pastor backstage as he fake reads a bible.

Chris Harrison asks if they'll have the wedding live here because ABC really wants to save some money instead of having to pay for a whole production. He gets up & hugs his pastor, he then grabs Basic makes her stand up, makes her whole family come out, & re-proposes with the same hideous ring. UGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGUGHUGH

And now at home in life size playhouse Character Shoes is stabbing her JoJo & Basic voodoo dolls for taking her chance to be Mrs. Higgins & the next Bachelorette.

Well Kittens, it's been a long, not very bumpy, scenic or exciting ride. At least one thing was consistent the whole season, even up to the proposal-his terrible taste in jewelry.

I was a Bachelor virgin, this was my first season & like everyone’s first time-it was painful, awkward & I hope I never see that guy again in my life.

I love you, I love you, I love you for reading. You're my person. XOXO

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-Pillow you can run but you can never hide from JoJo's brothers-

The Bachelor

The Women Yell All

We open the show with the lamest party crashing tour I've ever seen, Chris & Bracelet (the Producers) decided it would be great to go around to all the Bachelor Nation viewing parties that have absolutely no idea they're coming- but magically have all their doors unlocked & they all have makeup & clothes on, conveniently none of the parties were just of one woman watching it in her period sweatpants with a full bottle of wine & lean cuisine pizza. Bracelet who is wearing his pleather jacket keeps saying, "OMG this is crazy! I can't believe we are about to do this!" Um, it's not a burglary. Although, you have stolen over 26 hours of our time. They are in a giant party bus even though it's just the two of them when they seem like they would be much more comfortable driving around in a Toyota Yaris.

The fans react to Bracelet & Chris Harrison walking in like its Beyoncé holding a Publishers Clearing House Check. He's a high school quarterback "software" salesman that we know NOTHING about besides those two things & that he is obsessed with his Pawnee hometown. And, the most exciting thing about Chris Harrison is that he's friends with Kris Jenner!

They walk into one viewing party of fat Middle America moms from some square state armpit of this country & a toddler is wearing this god-awful puffy paint onesie that is off center. Mrs. Higgins? It could happen, she's only 20 years younger than a few of the other contestants this season.

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. Sadly, this outfit is still better than some we have seen this season. This mom is the same woman who said she got into the Bachelor because it was her husband’s favorite show & how he loves to have his own Bachelor Fantasy League because "He says it's so much better than football!" Oh honey. Why didn't you let your clearly homosexual husband design the onesie instead?!

Now in the studio we have 28 out of the 30 girls here & I don't know if it's because they have all taken out their extensions or watched more YouTube makeup tutorials but I don't recognize half of them- not like it matters the only ones we care about are Unlikable Cameron Diaz, Lace, Token Jubilee and.... yeah that’s the whole list. I wish they had cut these other 24 bandage dresses and just spent the whole time with those 3. The girl who we only knew as "Chicken Enthusiast" brought a chicken and held it like a clutch the whole time.

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-NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN YOU BEFORE! Everytime she spoke I wanted Damien to stand up & scream "She doesn't even go  here!"

Rachel (who? exactly) the one who was labeled "unemployed”, still has that same label. In the 2 months you couldn't have come up with a fake job to tell them!? Or to say you were an enthusiast of something!? C'mon Rach! I'm starting to see your lack of motivation to even come up with a good lie could be one of the major reasons you're unemployed.

They role a montage of all the "drama clips" from the season which was mostly just the other girls talking shit about Lace, Jubilee, & Olivia. See even the girls in the house knew they were the only ones exciting enough to talk about. As soon as it ends one of the girls who I swear is an audience member that they just put in the chair because one of the real contestants flight was delayed starts in on how she thought Olivia was going to be her best friend and then she felt like Olivia was more focused on just talking to Pillow- yeah because she's there to fake have a relationship with him not to collect more Facebook friends. Thankfully the chicken read our minds and interrupts this complete stranger we've never seen before by creating a distraction just to get her to stop talking. Thank you chicken! We saw more of you in this season than this whiney rando.

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We now move on to the Jubileeave her alone segment

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-I didn't realize we had 2 sets of twins on the show who apparently share a 1inch barrel curling iron-

These two girls who were speaking way too much for having so little air time this season & only making it to what, week 3 in Vegas? Yeah calm down Hot Miami Styles dresses.

They have a huge problem that Jubilee called herself 100% black when these two are only 50% black. I don't get it, that's fact.It's not like she's Rachel Dolezal-ing us & telling us she's 100% black when she's not?

They then have a problem that she said she's the only black girl to have gotten as far on the show as she did. Once again-FACT. If these two hate facts so much why don't they quit their bartending jobs & go work on Fox News. I feel like Chris Crocker screaming "LEAVE JUBILEE ALONE!!!"

Jubilee was an orphan who is now Sergeant in the US army; she doesn't deserve this bullshit from you random slores.

We now have our queen & Parker Posey look alike Lace. I loved this woman even before she liked one of my Instagram pictures (HUMBLEBRAG). They play a montage of her time of on the show and in a 60 second clip the word "crazy" was mentioned 35 times.

All of a sudden an audience member stands up randomly (after producers give the cue) & screams "Lace you may be crazy, but you're crazy beautiful & I may seem crazy myself but I have to show you something”.

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If a random white man stood up & started screaming, "I'm crazy & I have something to show you," I would assume it was a gun. He Kanye runs to the stage & lifts up his shirt to show his Lace tattoo (aka what some shitty artist did with a bald point pen to this PA an hour before taping).

She says how she has done a lot of work on herself in therapy since the show (BOOOOO!!!!!) & that she tries to remember her motto everyday "like my tattoo says, you have to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else." I love that she has my favorite RuPaul quote tattooed on her. She says that the Bachelor wasn't a good fit for her where she was in her life at that time. Chris invites her to join Bachelor in Paradise so she can undo all that personal growth & so we can see her do her "Rosanne Rosanna Danna" impression in a bikini. VIVA LA LACE!!!!!!!

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Next is what felt like the Salem Witch Trials of our Cankle Queen

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Unlikable Cameron Diaz comes to the stage in a very short & straight bob that looks like it was straight ironed in 5 minutes. She had to watch a montage of her worst moments on the show (so basically all of her moments). Was Olivia crazy? Yes. But she didn't hurt anyone except herself, her broadcasting career, & her reputation across America.

Chris asks her how it is watching that & she says it's extremely embarrassing. She says that she did really did have feelings for him but she knew things were getting worse for her in the house when she would walk into a room & they would all stop talking & glare at her. As she's talking they just keep cutting to the other girls snickering & rolling their eyes at her and whispering to each other as she's talking. Thank you for proving her point!

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She re-apologizes for calling Amanda “Teen Mom”, and even though Single Mom has laryngitis she still sounds like a cartoon mouse. Even though she apologized after it happened & once again on this episode, Single Mom still keeps going on about it & retorts with a line she’s clearly been working on for a couple months in the car pick up line: “Being a mom is my jam" BARF.

It's such her jam she auditioned to be away from them for 3 months & when she finally did come back to see them brought a strange man they had never met & told them this could possibly be there new dad. You're right; being a terrible mom IS your jam!

You can see that Slutty Twin Thing 1 & Thing 2 are gearing because they can barely keep still & are looking at Olivia like she ran over their obese Dachshund. They both start going off & have shaky voice because they are so impassioned with getting attention & camera time. Thankfully, you don't have to make a lot of TED talks at strip clubs & instead can just focus on dancing to "Pour Some Sugar On Me" around a pole.

They attack her for being a bully & one of the slutty Taylor Swifts say "One night YOU were wearing a long dress because you said you wanted to look like "wife material" & I was wearing a short romper so you were basically calling me a slut". WOW that’s a lot of rationalizing because if she had called you a slut that would have been put that in every preview they could run. But she didn't. The rest of America called you a slut but not Olivia, at least not when she had a microphone on & if you didn't have a mic pack on when you said it- IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. They just keep saying she's a bully & when one of the girls points out "You bullied her this whole season" Slutty Thing 1 says "YEAH BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT". I bet all the NFL cheerleaders watching you right now can't wait for you to join their team!

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Olivia then says how they bullied more than she ever bullied them-they made comments about her cankles, her toes, her cleavage, her dragon breath MULTIPLE TIMES each episode & everyone is choosing to focus on a Teen Mom comment when Church Mouse was talking about Ex Baby Daddy not wanting to drop off the kids to her moms? I'm sorry but if you asked me to name what that reminds me of I would say "The show Teen Mom". You're going to get offended anytime says _________ mom because you have kids? I could imagine Balloon Voice being the type to complain on Campells Soup Facebook page about the commercial having the two dads in it- "How am I supposed to explain this lifestyle to my CHILDREN!? How do they have two dads & my kids don't even have one?!"

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I feel like saying someone has bad breath is one of the most embarrassing things you can say about a person because it changes your idea of them forever. I would rather do the caborlesque performance in front of America then have everyone know kissing me tastes like hot garbage. In her defense, can you imagine how hard it is to floss 150 teeth?!

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Honestly the girls should have apologized to Olivia not the other way around & we ALL should have gotten apologies from the producers for having her be kicked off so early.

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Next we bring Character Shoes down & Chris Harrison is really pushing hard "Wow, did you hear that applause? A LOT of love in the house for Cailia. am I right? Right?" UGHHH stop pushing character shoes on us to be the next Bachelorette. Maybe the next Disney character actor but not the next Bachelorette.

She says how hard it is to watch it back & she didn't picture it ending that way,she pictured it ending with wedding photos of her, Bracelet, her dad who looks like the evil scientist in Nightmare Before Christmas & her mom in adult braces.

Church Face comes out & he & Chris Harrison continue their bromance.  Oatmeal gives generic, rehearsed politician answers to all the girls & even though he groped & then broke up with all of them they still stare at him adoringly hoping that one day he'll sell them software at a discounted rate.

He asks about Single Moms kids because of course they have to. I wish she would have said "they keep asking where their new dad went & why men always leave us" but instead she just giggles at a pitch only dogs can hear & says they're good & she knows Marshmallow will make a great husband & dad one day. BARF.

This episode seemed as long as the Oscars & with almost as much race discussion when all I wanted to know about was what happened to Slutty Twins club thumb during filming, but did the important questions get asked?! Of course not.

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I can't believe next week is the finale no ones been waiting for. In the previews we see a lot of Pillow looking pensive (or constipated), the return of his disapproving librarian mom, and Basic & JoJo Isla Fischer both in separate helicopters in evening gowns. I don't know who cried more tears tonight- me out of boredom or Oatmeal in the previews.

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How do you feel kittens? If the rumor is true about Character Shoes being the Bachelorette we should all start a petition online to suggest that Sheila the chicken take her place instead. I'm serious.

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