We open up with the contesticles all sitting in the hotel room talking about last nights rose ceremony & of course instead of being happy that he's even still there Lord Farquad Alex is more upset that Rescue Puppy James Taylor got to stay. "I just DON'T understand how I was in the bottom two, last night really upset me"
You're upset by something?! Wow what a twist! There is nothing this season that he HASN'T complained about, he's such a Debbie Downer Angry Alex. Also you're very used to being at the bottom of everything.
He's also wearing a plaid hoodie, good to see Pac Sun has added a children's section! He whines about how he's never had a 1 on 1 & that "it's just unfair" wow I bet he was a BLAST to be in basic training with.
"I feel like I'm the black sheep" well you're the size of a sheep... Lamb Chop
The date card comes & it's for Angry Elf which is a shame because in two more minutes we were about see him go full on tantrum sitting on the floor screaming like when he's in the aisle of Toys R Us.
Photo Credit- @Swainsch
Blow Out & Angry Elf get into the SUV for the date & I don't know about car safety laws in Argentina but here in America kids are required to be in a car seat. There is no child safety seat so instead he sits in the middle seat & gloms on to her. He looks like the little kid who is in love with his babysitter, he's so close to her that she's smashed up against the window like there's 2 other imaginary people also sitting in the back seat.
In Lord Farquads voice over he says "I'm here to give her everything but if she wants it she needs to show me that she wants it, she needs to give something back to me too"
Ugh. Alex is the guy who thinks every girl wants him, yes every girl does want you (to go away)
Meanwhile the producers make the other gonads go on a forced bromance adventure because they need B Roll. Instead of having them ride in a car the producers decide to make them ride in the Argentinian version of the Partridge family bus. Wow this is WHACKY! LOLOLOL
Chase should feel right at home, he's used to riding a short bus.
Blow Out says in a voiceover "Today's important because I'm seeing what a normal day with Alex is like" well it's JUST as terrible as you imagined.
Angry Elf also has a Rain Man type level obsession with grains. He keeps narrating every crop they drive by.
"Is that wheat?....... I think that's wheat-What is this... the wheat bowl of the country?!"
He pauses for laughter like what he just said was a joke. Blow Out does her best forced laugh & says "Can you just be normal?"
You're right! He's not being normal, because normally he's a whiny bitter asshole talking about another contestant instead of making autistic statements about grains.
In Blow Out's voiceover she says "I'm having a hard time connecting with him romantically at this point"
Is it because he's the size of Tyrion Lannister but with the personality of Lord Jeoffrey? Or is it because it feels like pedophilia?
You know what will make this date better? Some prop comedy! He opens up the can of Pringles because once you pop the awkwardness don't stop! He puts the Pringle's in his mouth to make... duck lips! What? WOW! I think he's the first person I've ever seen do that! When this show is over he needs to go on Shark Tank because this kid is an inventor!
He then tries to kiss her with them as she deflects by jabbing a Pringle in to his face as a self-defense move. He's the first person I've seen be cock blocked by a chip.In his mind he's probably so confused "I don't get it, this bit killed on the playground last month)
As if your vagina isn't dry enough, we now we cut to the doofi on the bus-rapping. Yep, producers have the 4 whitest guys in America rapping.
They have to rap because I assume by now someone has finally smashed Rescue Puppy's guitar. The "free style" rap was clearly written for them by the interns right before they had to start filming.
"Go write a rap you have 5 minutes! Remember we have Luke & Chase on the bus so don't make any of the words more than 2 syllables! " This scene isn't just a treat for the ears but also the eyes!
Not only do we have a freestyle rap that makes Macklemore look like Jay Z, we also have James Taylor's giant tattoo that is so bad it looks like a giant stick on for 4th of July that you would get done at a booth at the fair.
Former swimmer/current homosexual Robby wore the HOTEL slippers out. The gonad bus says how much more fun Blow Out would be having with them & they keep repeating over & over "This is the FUN bus!"
Is Miss Frizzel the driver!?
Next we have what might be my favorite scene ever.Keeping with the producer enforced rap theme Lord Farquad does a scene right out of Malibu's Most Wanted, but he's completely serious with absolutely no irony.
LF: I can rap about anything! Give me a topic any topic & I'll rap about it!
Blow Out has the same facial expression as if someone just gave her the option of having to pick between a yeast infection or a UTI. She shuts her eyes tightly and flatly says
BO: OK... I guess..my name
and then he starts:
"YO YO-JoJo-gots to go-to the likko-stoe"
To add insult to ear injury he goes "See what I did there?!"
He is absolutely BEAMING with pride over his performance, in his mind he thinks he's B Rabbit from 8 Mile.
BO: (flatly) Yeah...I see what you did there
Yeah Alex, we ALL saw what you did there and we will never be able to un-see it. What's even more upsetting is the look on his face.
I thought all that time you spent on set filming Leprechaun Goes To the Hood would have rubbed off on you, apparently not.
The car ride is now so silent you can almost hear the buzz of the mic packs. Lord Farquad is attached to Blow Out like he's her human seatbelt as she just stares out the window picturing having sex with Jordan.
They arrive at the horse farm with the real gauchos who all look like they should be on the front of Folders coffee. They have to change into riding clothes and Angry Elf is wearing gaucho clothes from the Paddington Bear collection. He looks like a baker/painter from a Disney movie. Blow Out is dressed like she's Alessandra Ambrosia going to lunch. She's in a white silk shirt, suede brown flares and heel booties. You know, what you typically wear for riding horses outside!
They start riding & Angry Elf seems really comfortable on the horse, it must be from all his practice riding the 50 cent ones in front of the grocery store.
He keeps narrating out loud everything that's happening, quote :
"Wow we're outside in this field with cows"
"I'm with you right now on a horse, this is crazy!"
"My horse is following your horse, I think it's a sign!"
You don't have to tell her what's happening, she's not blind! Although after your rap abortion I'm sure she wishes that she were deaf.
AE: You look like a model from a Ralph Lauren magazine!
Her responses are even shorter than he is, you can tell she's praying for his horse to pull a Sea Biscuit & take off with him.
The gaucho then does a horse whispering performance by putting his hand over the horse's muzzle like he's chloroforming him as the horse lays down & is rolled on it's back. Now that the horse has been Cosby'd they lay down next to the horse's head & kiss over him. You can tell on the horses face that he would rather have been made into a glue stick than have to be a part of this.
It's now nighttime & they go into an old farm-house to have the "deep conversation" part of the date which they don't even bother putting out a fake meal for because it would require setting up a high chair.
They sit on the couch & Angry Elf keeps talking about how excited he is to bring her home to his family & her monotone response is
"Who would I be meeting & is it going to be weird?"
Are you saying you think it's weird his whole family lives in a tree that also doubles as their work place?
He then proceeds to tell her "I know I'm falling in love you. I need to make that clear, this is how I really feel & I'm not going to regret telling you this ever"
"I fell in love with you the minute I saw you! This is just so amazing & it's so great that I'm the guy who gets to see you feeling the way I do now, it's nice just getting everything off my chest"
Blow Out looks like she would rather have her implants ripped out of her chest than be part of this conversation. She closes her eyes for so long that you can almost count all the individual pairs of eyelashes she has on. She keeps making the face that you see women have in migraine commercials.
"Yeah ummm.......I don't feel as excited as I should be to hear that & I don't think I'll ever get to that point"
Angry Elf turns on her real quick, he defensively says "It definitely SUCKS that you can't see that being something that you want!"
She starts to say "I respect-" he abruptly cuts her off & snaps
"I came here, there was NO rose on the table! I wasn't expecting THIS to happen "
He didn't know this date had a chance for elimination or he would have packed his Spiderman suitcase!
She asks if she can walk him out & he rolls his eyes and snarls "fine, whatever" as he stomps off two feet ahead of her. He's pissed, he even breaks the fourth wall looking straight into camera with his crazy eyes.
I said it in the 2nd recap when everyone was just focused on Chad, that Lord Farquad was really the crazy asshole we should be worried about & I was right.
He gives her a stiff one-armed hug & snaps "Yep, take care" as he jumps into the car & slams the door.
Blow Out fake cries "My final memory of him is him not being able to look me in the eyes!"
In his defense how could he? He barely comes up to your belly button.
God I wish they would have had a confessional of him in the car raging. I cant wait to see how many "answers" he demands from her at the Men tell All episode.
At least now he can use that beret as a sleeping bag!
The next day the obvious winner aka Aaron Rodgers Brother has the one on one date. Has anyone else noticed that he walks like he's never had human legs before?
They do their umpteenth Notebook run & jump kiss and they get into a private plane. That's so nice that he finally gets to feel what its like to be his brother.
They arrive at a vineyard & Blow Out is wearing jean shorts that are so short they look like denim panties. They do wacky grape stomping & I'm waiting for Jimmy Newtron Hair to say "Hey, have you ever seen that video of the news reporter stomping grapes & falling?!"
They drink the foot wine which can't taste any worse than the 20 other strains of saliva she's ingested throughout the season. They then of course get into a hot tub, you know how every vineyard has an outdoor hot tub in the middle of it? After 15 minutes of making out Implants straddles his underwater boner in the pre cum filled hot tub & asks "what are you thinking about?"
While they're busy underwater dryhumping we cut to Non Blinker Luke & Mongoloid Chase talking about Jimmy Newtron.
Non Blinker says that it's unfair that "He had the most hype going into this because he's so well-known"
umm he's not Tom Brady.
I have literally never seen him before in my life & this is coming from a girl who was able to recognize Aubrey O'Days dogs in an airport (HUMBLE BRAG!)
If you had shown me a picture of Jordan & asked me to tell you who he was I would have said he was a guy who was too old to still be managing an Abercrombie & Fitch.
Non Blinker goes on to say how Blow Out may choose him because "He's the front-runner because he can get her box seats to the Super Bowl & that's really appealing" Yeah because she's such an active member on FanDuel.com!
Mongoloid goes on to mumble the longest sentence he's ever said on the show "I think JoJo is looking for a real guy, in a real town with a real job"
You know opposed to the other contestants who are imaginary guys from pretend towns.
Now it's time for Blow Out & Jimmy Newtron Hair's no eating dinner date. She asks him what it would be like to go meet his family next week
JNH-"Yeah well you'll meet my parents & my older brother Luke who is the funniest person you'll ever meet"
-OK so clearly Luke was adopted
"And um.. my middle brother won't be there"
He won't even say Aaron's name like he's fucking Voldermort so Blow Out has to say it.
BO: and your middle brother is..Aaron?
JNH "Yep...um we don't really talk but I have a GREAT relationship with my brother Luke"
yeah no one gives a shit about that brother who is probably an assistant manager at Verizon.
He goes on to tell her how he doesn't have any relationship with Aaron & I was dying for her to ask "OK well what about your relationship with Olivia Munn? Because that's a huge deciding factor going into the rose ceremony"
He goes on to say Aaron isn't close with the family anymore "I get the pressure he's under & the demands from people he knows"
You mean like you & your brother asking for tickets that you can scalp & having him autograph jerseys that you're going to sell on eBay? He says that Aaron has no idea he's doing the show. God I wish I could see Aaron's face watching this episode.
JNH "Football doesn't define me"
Really? because that's literally how your title card on the show defines you.
Jimmy Newtron doesn't want to talk about how his brother clearly blocked his number so he changes the topic to how in love he is with her. Of course you are she's the most famous person you know who still acknowledges your existence.
Next day is group date & it's raining so instead of some bullshit outside activity they have a wacky group slumber party! That's at 11 AM & they order terrible looking room service. Rescue Puppy said "I'm bringing my A game to this date today!" & then proceeded with "I can fit every french fry in my mouth wanna see!?"
He is the male version of Karen Smith. They're both sweet, dumb, but instead of fitting his whole fist in his mouth it's a plate of french fries.
At least with his mouth full of fries he can't sing.
JoJo then decides the next zany activity will be a massage train!
BOO!!!!!!! I wanted Human Centipede!
The guys sit in a row massaging each other & no surprise Robby looks super comfortable in a daisy chain of men touching each other. I'm sure it brings fond memories of his time in the group showers after swim practice.
They then play truth or dare & JoJo's crazy dare was for Robby to WAIT FOR IT!.......
RUN DOWN THE HALLWAY IN HIS UNDERWEAR!
WUH WUH WOAHHH! LOLOLOLLOL
That IS crazy! Especially because no one is on this fucking hotel floor because production has rented the entire thing out.
I would have dared him to tell us how he's making money being a former swimmer? Or to tell us how many cocks he's sucked.
Robby brags "I think JoJo made me do this because she just wanted to see me with my shirt off!"
You just had a date 2 weeks ago where you guys went swimming! It's not like you've been hiding under a burka, we know what your body looks like as do half the men in Jacksonville on Grindr.
They all lay on the bed together, of course Rescue Dog has to lay at the bottom. Rescue Dog proceeds to make himself look even more pathetic by trying to call out Robby in front of JoJo.
"Robby checks out other women all the time, that's why we call him WER-It stands for Wandering Eye Robby!"
WER-wow what a catchy sounding nickname!
I totally believe Robby checks out women-for their shoes.
Robby who looks like a gay West Hollywood version of Will Forte keeps talking about how he's "a front-runner" I think he maybe the only person from Jacksonville to ever feel that way.
-That horse they should have used for Alex-
The next day Non Blinker & her have a one on one date at a horse farm because he's a farmer who loves to ride horsseeahbblahblahhhh their date is as boring as he is. He has the vocal fry of Kourtney Kardashian and it takes him forever to get out the few words he knows.
After horseback riding they skeet shoot because remember that he's a farmer?! I feel like Luke is probably very anti gun control & that his family is very pro Trump.Watching this date it's like watching a boring Nicholas Sparks movie and makes me envious of the old lady in The Notebook because I want to forget everything that I've seen on this fucking show.
Also out of all the times it would have actually made sense to rap this episode why wouldn't the producers have them do it during the skeet shooting? AH SKEET SKEET SKEET!
It's Pro Flowers Rose Ceremony & Blow Out finally decides to put the 3 legged rescue dog down. As she walks him out she's sobbing & telling him "You made me such a better person"
How? I guess he did help you get better at fake smiling at terrible musical performances. He's now crying (barf) & saying how he will always care for her & that she deserves the best possible life. He tells her how she is the most beautiful girl in the world & how happy he is just to know her.
He really is Forrest Gump talking to Jennaayyyyy.
They better make Blow Out wear 7 gowns an episode next week because her fashion is the only good thing about this show. How much longer can we live like this!?!? And what's worse is one of these guys is going to be the next Bachelor!
Kittens, tell me what you think in the comments-
Who would you want as the Bachelor next season? I'm voting for the horse!
I love you for reading!