The Bachelor

We are in Beunos Aries & we see JoJo walking the streets in a red mini cocktail dress with a coat over her shoulders during the day like she's Kim Kardashian. Meanwhile the contesticles are checking into their hotel room that looks like it was decorated by a persian grandmother. Once again they can't BELIEVE their hotel room has beds as we get our umpteenth shot of them throwing themselves on the comforters rolling around cheering.You were just at a hotel yesterday? Why are you acting like before now you were living in a FEMA trailer?They then of course go to the balcony & scream the name "JOJOOOOOOOO!!!!"

You know, how you always scream the name of the person you're dating out the window of your hotel?

-Former Swimmer's outfit is club manager on top/surfer on the bottom. Better question-is Robby a Top or a Bottom?-

The dullards all sit in the family room waiting for the date card. It's for Wells Fargo & the date card says "Kiss Me, Kiss Me Muchachao"

Wells Fargo admits to the guys that he hasn't kissed Brunette Isla Fischer yet. WTF Really?! Even Shakespearean villain Evan managed to kiss her!

-Whenever I see this GIF I instantly lose lbs from throwing up-

Angry Elf Alex "What if you kiss her & there are no sparks? It just blows my mind she had to write a date card telling you to kiss her"

Ugh you are the wooooorrrsstttt, also you're an idiot if you think JoJo actually writes the date cards herself.

All the contesticles laugh at Wells & tell him "Better get your chapstick!" maybe you can borrow Angry Elf's! Remember when he so delicately applied his while The Chad became America's hero by ripping Evalyn's hideous $15 shirt?

Wells Fargo & Blow Out have their date at "Fuerza Bruta" which I guess is Buenos Airies version of Circe Di Soleil but even worse. It's weird Kanye-esque performance art with half naked women crawling around in a suspended pool looking like fetuses in the womb.

On the other side of the warehouse we see a small Mexican man running attached to a harness running on a giant treadmill, we hear a gunshot & now the man is fake bleeding as a woman walks opposite of him & falls off onto a foam pad.

Where did they get the idea recommendation for this date? Stefan on Weekend Update?

Even Shia LaBeouf would think this was awful. Also it combines two of my biggest fears-guns & exercising.

No performance art date will be better than Laney Boggs & Zach Silers! Never let it drop!

Now Wells Fargo & Blow Out get to try the "Running on a treadmill fake getting killed thing" and all I can say is WOW. Watch out Hamilton!

After sharing that AMAZING performance together Wells Fargo decided that THIS is the perfect time to kiss her.

-Wells also performed an abortion!-

Jesus Christ Wells are you doing a Sheldon Cooper impression? First he completely misses JoJo’s attempted high five/hand grab, so he tries to, like, pat her face or something?And then he leans in for… a peck on the cheek?

HOW in the world is it possible that Evalyn had more game than you?!?! I can't.

He keeps saying in his voice overs how "I'm waiting for the special moment, the right moment to kiss her. I want our first kiss to be a once in a life time kiss"

I assume he must play a lot of Kelly Clarkson "A moment like this" on his radio show.

They go into the fetus pool & he finally kisses her. She screams & claps "OMG Wells! WE DID IT!" like he's a puppy she just taught to roll over. Very sexy.

On their "dinner" date Wells tells Blow Out that he’s been “struggling” with the fact that they’re such “different people,”

Oh you mean like how you two together looks like you're on a "Make a Wish" date?

But now he's "broadening his definition of who his “perfect” woman might be". She asks him about his ex & he says it's awkward to talk about that subject.

JoJo-"Don't worry I talk about my ex all the time!"

Yeah JoJo, we know.

Wells Fargo keeps the romance going by asking "Am I sweating?"

No, sweating would be an understatement. You look even wetter than you did in that pool.

He says that the problem with him & his ex was that "they were more like best friends". I get the feeling every girl Wells has dated always just thought they were best friends.

Blow Out tells him how "unique & interesting he is" uh oh.

She tells him how she's looking for "her unicorn" or if she were on Friends "her lobster"

She says how she hears the skepticism in Wells' DJ voice when she talks about her "fairytale unicorn" relationship she's looking for & that she "doesn't have time to break down Well's wall"

I'm sure his wall is just as weak & wet as he is.

She says "You & I have built a friendship..." which is ALWAYS a good sign to hear from a girl you're trying to date.

"You are an incredible human being but..... I don't think you're the person I will spend my life with but I REALLY appreciate you"

She eliminates him but I feel like JoJo is the type of girl who would still call Wells to come put together her IKEA furniture & drive her to the airport.

Of course she's so distraught over losing her Geek Squad suitor she walks the streets of Buenos Aires alone in heels & a cocktail dress, you know how you walk in a foreign country as a woman alone at night?

As if this night couldn't get any more upsetting, she goes BACK to that performance art show by herself. Because it was so much fun the first time!

-One second I'm a Koons then suddenly the Koons is me!-

It's now a rave (?) that she wanders alone by herself as fake rain falls on her. ok, NOW it's officially worst date ever, having to wash my hair twice in fucking day?!

Meanwhile during this whole date the pusswad squad has been in the living room talking about Wells Fargo & how he had the weakest connection with her & how nervous he looked about having to kiss her. It may be past baby's bed time but even though he has on his striped footie pj's he's going to try to stay up as late as he can so he doesn't miss any chance to shit talk even though he's seepy.

The date card comes & the doofi find out that they will be going on a group date while Chase (the stupider & even less interesting version of Jordan) & Unfunny Jim Halpert will be going against each other on a two on one date.

- Chase looks like Jordan after Thanksgiving break-

Store Brand Jordan-"I would feel betrayed if Jim Halpert got the rose, he has nothing on me" Except the ability to show more than one expression.

Off Brand Jordan only has one facial expression & it's "mongoloid"

The next day is group date & Angry Elf tries to walk in front of the group to look like he's the same size as them through TV magic, we know the truth! The only magical thing about you Alex is your Lucky Charms.

The contesticles & Brunette Isla Fischer walk around the town doing "wacky" hijinks like dancing with locals & you guessed it- MORE of trying on of silly hats. Barf.

All the doofi are having fun except for James Taylor. Maybe he's sad because this is the longest I've seen him on camera WITHOUT his fucking guitar. He mopes behind the boring boys gang as his voiceover makes it sound like he's talking about The Plastics

"Just look at these guys! They're perfect! They all look amazing! It looks like I snuck on to a set that I'm not supposed to be on." Do they always win Spring Fling Queen?

"It's not like I'm going to blow anyone away with my looks or my abs, right?" Oh c'mon James Taylor, you look like if Jason Sudekis & Dennis Quaid had a baby! (that was dropped on its face multiple times)

They "spontaneously" decide to join in on a locals soccer game happening on a basketball court. Yay just who the locals wanted on their team-stupid gringos!

One of the translators says that one of the locals wanted JoJo to have to kiss whoever won, the look in her eyes when she thinks she has to kiss one of the locals as she looks like she's about to say "No I already kicked all the ethnic guys off in the 3rd week I'm done having to kiss anyone tanner than me"

She's relieved when the translator says it's whichever of her doofi group that wins get the kiss. WHEW!

James Taylor (who looks like Alice from the Brady Brunch) wins & gets a kiss from her that's as romantic as if she was kissing one of the stray dogs running around the court.

Alice-"I may not be the sexiest guy in the house, but I'm on a one way train to I love Jo-Jo land"

No you're more like on a one way train to Auschwitz, it's not going to end well.

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It's the cocktail party & Non Blinker Luke who looks like Tig Natorro is up first. I'm not sure what's more intense Luke's vocal fry or his serial killer stare. Every time he always does a full monologue before they make out which always involves him slowly brushing her hair back behind her ears & every time it looks like he's about to steal her earrings.

They make out because Luke has run out of all the words he knows how to say. They are like two octopuses all over each other.

Next up is James Taylor & he spends his one on one time talking about Blow Outs most beloved Jordan. Oh no sweetie no. Don't talk about the mamma bears cub (that she's going to have sex with in the fantasy suite in two weeks)

He tells her how he's seen "a different side of him & it's not good" Do I like Aaron Rodger's brother? No. But I have to admit the fuck boy DOESN'T have a bad side-aesthetically that is.

Alice the maid explains his problem with the golden child-

"We were playing a game of cards & I said it's this rule & he said it was a DIFFERENT rule & shut me down, because he's Jordan Rodgers-whatever that is"

JoJo asks "what does that mean?Jordan Rodgers?"

I thought it meant unemployed football player.

"it means that, ummm. Ya know it pretty much means I guess... celebrity"

You're talking about his brother Aaron now right?

"Ya know people are going to listen to me because he's like I have this billion watt smile & a stud arm & I'm in magazines, he's acted entitled a couple of times & you just can't go against him"

Uuumm, wtf is a stud arm? I know what a stud-horse is. Does a stud arm means he donates his sperm to top dollar sperm banks? Is that how he afforded his billion watt smile veneers? Or is that from the unemployment checks from NFL? I honestly don't know, I'm not a sports ball fan.

I will say that James Taylor is VERY sweet, he's like the rescue puppy that only has 3 legs & has lost its coat to scabies. But every time he talks he sounds like he's just 10 IQ points above Forrest Gump.Now I know that role actually belongs to Mongoloid Chase but he doesn't have the accent.

James Taylor-"I know I would love her & care for her the most" she's his Jenny.

Next up is Jimmy Newtron hair with the billion watt smile-Jordan.

Both JoJo & him are wearing matching leather jackets like they're going to a Grease sing along. She asks him about what Rescue Puppy said & he laughs it off.

He says how they had a disagreement about cards or some bullshit & how he tried to tell Rescue Puppy the right rules. "That was a tough situation to try to bring logic to but if I came off-"

Blow Out jumps in "Entitled?"

Stud Arm-"No!"

BO-"Well that's the word that was used"

SA-"No. No. I don't know what that means"

Yeah I don't know what that word means, but I know I wasn't that.

She tells him how she pictures her life with him after this (you mean after you give him the final rose on some jungle beach front gazebo hut) & how she is falling for him but wants to make sure the guy shes falling for is the same hot fuck boy he is with her that he is in the house.

He says "I don't think I'm above anybody here"

Really? Not even Alex?

He goes back to sit with all the guys & when they ask him how it went he just sits next to Rescue Puppy in silence manically swirling his white wine like he's a villian on The Real Housewives.

He keeps swirling the whine maniacally & I'm afraid he's going to get carpel tunnel & ruin his football careeeeee- oh wait nevermind.... SWIRL ON Jordan my bad! Entitlement is not what he's about. Would an entitled guy react to being insulted by jostling a pointy suede boot, swirling a good Sauvignon blanc to release its bouquet, and snapping at Rescue Puppy "How does one-act entitled while stating that the rules of a game are such?"

I think NOT.

Rescue Puppy doesn't have much to say besides muttering "whatever man" a couple of times & going back to nervously biting his nails & tugging at his picnic table-cloth shirt. Super cute.

Implants gives serial killer Luke the safety rose. The rest angrily stare at her how I imagine Alex stares at the height requirements signs at theme parks.

The next day is the two on one between the boring brown-eyed guy & the boring blue-eyed guy who both talk like they have saraan wrap covering their faces.

Mongoloid confessional;- '"I have a real connection with JoJo so why is it fair that I'm put in a position of life or death?"

Is your 2 on 1 date playing Russian roulette? WTF are you talking about dummy it's not life or death it's a fake date on a reality show & either way it ends up with you getting a spot on Bachelor in Paradise. I know that's a lot for you to process but have someone write it in crayon with big letters for you.

-Who wore it better?-

The date is a tango lesson because according to JoJo "love is a lot like a Tango" You mean that most people are terrible at it?

It's obvious this Tango lesson is just so JoJo can get some extra rehearsal time before she's on Dancing with the Stars.

The three of them dance together & it looks more like a Mummy fight club than it does a Tango.

JoJo is now Jodie Sawyer at the end of Center Stage.

They all go on to the no eat dinner date. She takes Unfunny Jim Halpert off to talk to him first. He says "I felt so much passion with you day, I really loved my time with you today I really felt the passion"

Blow Out "Yeah, thank you for that"

Uh Oh.

He tells her that she's the most amazing woman he's ever met which leads to the question-than how many women have you ACTUALLY met? ANd without naming a single physical trait of hers, what makes her amazing? And you can't say her ability to wear clothes.

He tells her "I'm absolutely falling head over heels for you"

Blow Out "Aaawww I appreciate that"

ouch, looks like you are going back to Dundler Mifflin sooner than you thought.

It's now Mongoloids turn & I'm glad she got back to the table before he ate his napkin.

Blow Out tells him “I told you this last week, how special you make me feel & I’ll be honest, I didn’t feel like you gave me much back.” Doofus is shocked, I think? Or confused? Or hungry? I honestly have no idea.

He mumbles out "It's hard to show emotions...and things"

Then carry around one of those fucking feelings chart & point to it.

Unfunny Jim Halpert couldn't stop telling her how much he liked her & since Blow Out told Mongoloid how she needs more validation of his feelings towards her she obviously eliminated Jim Halpert....?

Ugh. Whatever it doesn't matter anyway, she's either going to marry Aaron Rodgers brother or one of HER brothers so who cares.

But than we got what I believe to be the most entertaining scene of this entire franchise, which is crazy because these 3 people are so boring, but the producers REALLY outdid themselves.

As Unfunny Jim Halpert is sobbing in his town car, Blow Out & Mongoloid go to a dance floor where an orchestra is playing and all of a sudden an OPERA SINGER COMES OUT ON A MOTHER FUCKING BALCONY & STARTS SINGING "DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA AS WE CUT BACK & FORTH BETWEEN THEM KISSING & HIM CRYING.

I write that in all caps because it was so fucking iconic. I have to be honest Jim's sobbing added a really nice back track to her vocals.

I was waiting for Mongoloid to ask "Ugh, is that Madonna singingggg?"

What made this already perfect scene even more magical was Jim aka Derrick who refered to himself in 3rd person. When a contestant refers to themselves in 3rd person it means they've officially fucking lost it.

"I'm Derrick & Derrick is imperfect" sobbing, more sobbing & then he says out loud to himself "Don't cry! Stop it!"

He has the looks of a Jim Halpert but the personality of a Toby.

-All his co workers when he gets back-

It's now the Pro Flowers rose ceremony & all the roses should go to the person who made Blow Out's gown.

Aaron Rodgers brother takes her outside & he tells her “I want to be in love and engaged at the end of this & I think we can get there.”

Her eyes light up at the thought of having Olivia Munn as her sister-in-law, just say yes now so you can start going with her to summer movie premieres!

Inside Angry Elf complains how he's never gotten a one on one date. Another reason this episode has been my least hated, besides that "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" scene, it's also the episode we've heard & seen the LEAST of Alex. Whoever is the new babysitter on set I applaud you.

Maybe one of the reasons he's so angry is because God forgot to give him a neck. It's the rose ceremony & the bottom 2 are Rescue Puppy & Angry Elf. She then starts hyperventilating & pulls a Carrie Bradshaw as she runs down the marble stairs away from the Contesticles. I would run away too, Angry Elf is going to Lifetime psycho ex boyfriend on her when he's cut! Have your future husband Jordan break up with him for you! He can just put his hand on his forehead to push him away!

She runs down the steps without holding onto any handrails in a full length gown, you are more of an athlete & soldier than any guy in that room girl!

“What just happened?” Harrison asks her in an intense whisper, yeah JoJo he doesn't want to be on set any longer than the contractual 7 minutes he has to be! He doesn't get paid millions of dollars just to wait around for you to take your time on a decision, he has parties at Kris Jenner's house to fucking get to!

She tells him "I don't want to give this rose out"

I assume it's because Former Swimmer/Current homosexual Robby asked for it for his scrapbook.

So Rescue Puppy is going to pack Angry Elf in his guitar case because they're both eliminated????

Sadly, no.

In typical Lord Farquad fashion, Alex is more upset that they BOTH got roses than the fact he got to stay. To quote Jean Ralphio you are

Oh by the way next week we get to see him wear a beret, which after he gets eliminated he can use for a hammock.

Tell me in the comments Kittens who you rank from worst to least worst. Honestly at this point I would marry that female opera singer over any of them. I love you for reading!

XOXO

A.

Herpes Island & Hump Stories!

Don't Cry For Me Big Tuna