the bachelorette

Bachelorette Ep.1-Santas,Unicorns & Boners

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Last year we saw JoJo aka Brunette Isla Fisher be broken up with on national TV by Ben Higgins – the human bowl of oatmeal. I would be more embarrassed that I actually competed for a man who wore an inspirational bracelet & had a giant scripture tattoo longer than the Declaration of Independence.

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We open with her doing the stereotypical scene of walking around in deep thought & self-reflection, because you always do that in the garden of what looked like an assisted living facility. She sits on 3 different benches while gazing out at nothing. We have already had 5 close up shots just of shrubbery. This show could be 4o minutes shorter if they took out all the close-ups of flowers, the ocean & Google Earth shots of the house. We're aware of what the outside looks like. More deep in thought walking on the beach in a bikini & sitting on the most jagged, uncomfortable looking rock in the ocean, then her staring out in an abandoned lifeguard shack in a floor length dress, ya know what you always wear to a beach that's completely abandoned like there's been a riptide warning?

Kris Jenner's best friend aka Chris Harrison does his 2 minutes of work for the episode by introducing the bachelor contestants’ video packages. Chris has the easiest job in Hollywood besides Giuliana Rancic’s personal chef.

Last season, we were introduced to 26 different bandage dresses – now let’s meet the 26 men in suits from Macy's who are here to promote their businesses & get an interesting credit to add to their Tinder bio.

Grant- He's a firefighter, whose face makes no geometric sense. I don't see the big deal about dating a firefighter, after you go visit him at the station and slide down the pole one time then what else is there? We see him pensively posing in full uniform outside the station. He just looks like an actor taking different looks for his headshot. "I hope JoJo lights my fire" - and with that line I hope the rest of the guys at the station dump the pot of chili they're making on your head. Get the fire hose & drench him because this boy is thirsty.

Imagine being pulled out of a fire & waking up trying to figure out how handsome squidward is giving you mouth to mouth.

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Jordan- Stevie Wonder could see that this guy will be the winner. He's Aaron Rodgers’ brother who I guess is a professional football player? The only way I know a sports player is if they've dated a Kardashian or have been on Dancing with The Stars.

He looks like a retired Abercrombie & Fitch model & his sob story is how hard it was to have Aaron for an older brother but how he still overcame his struggle of being a handsome white man in this country & played for 3 NFL teams. The movie The Blindside should have been about him!

His pensive scene is him standing out in the pouring rain dramatically looking at an empty high school football field. I'm surprised Pillow didn't make an appearance, we all remember how he was a high school quarterback because he mentioned it no less than 100 times last season. He too loved to hang around high schools, if they looked like Steve Buscemi & were hanging around at high schools, they would be arrested.

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James- The Bachelor Superfan, yes that's his actual job title. As sad as I feel looking at him I'm thrilled to know that being a superfan of a tv show qualifies as an occupation! In that case I have more jobs than Ryan Seacrest. It would explain why I'm so exhausted from doing nothing but watching 14 hours of tv a day from my couch, I'm a single mom of 3 (cats) working my ass off!

Superfan talks about how he has bachelorette viewing parties at his house – they show a clip of the "viewing party" and its him & two other people – that’s not a party, that is barely enough people to qualify for a booth at a restaurant. He has a picture of Chris Harrison in his room & is practicing "I accept this rose" over & over in the mirror. He seems like the type of guy who would have a model train collection & send love letters to female prisoners.

Evan- Former pastor turned erectile dysfunction doctor, I mean if anything makes you lose your boner it’s going to church (unless you're a Catholic priest). They show him in his office & pixilated Trey MacDougal – what’s more embarrassing, the world knowing you can't get it up or that your health insurance is so bad that your only option is to go to a doctor that's competing on a reality show.

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Christian- Wakes up at 3:30 am & goes to Crossfit, I would have eliminated him before his video package even finished.

Luke- War Veteran/farmer – we see him go to an abandoned pasture in the middle of nowhere to visit a single grave plaque that he decorates with those tiny American flags you give to children to wave at 4th of July. Why aren't they using him for those Farmersonly.com commercials?

This video package is like a well-shot Armed Forces recruitment video – we've had a marine, coast guard & war veteran – the only branch we haven't seen so far is the Salvation Army.

We have a firefighter, soldier, football player all the jobs that are used for stripper costumes in Thunder from Down Under. Video montage is over & we see the best walking advertisement for DryBar blowouts get out of her limo. She looks like a Miss USA contestant, at least she'll look amazing when she has to fake laugh & pretend to enjoy all these hilarious hijinks the producers planned for the first meeting.

She yells, "Bring on the men!" You mean bring on the guys who chose to leave their jobs for 3 months to be on tv & have access to an open bar? The only thing more annoying than a bachelorette party are the contestants for the bachelorette.

Aaron Rodgers’ brother gets out first & honestly the rest of the limos should have just driven away, what's the point? JoJo looks at him & lights up the way I do when I see a pizza. You could basically see the hearts coming out of her eyes like a cartoon. She hugs him 4 times and keeps saying the same thing over & over between nervous giggling "Are you excited?! You look so good! Wow you just look so nice." After he walks away she mouths, "he's hot" to the camera people. You break that 4th wall!

Derrek- Aka Jim from the office who got a spray tan before leaving Dunder Mifflin & Pam.

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Robby- Job title "Former competitive swimmer" – here’s hoping he didn't compete against Ryan Lochte at the Special Olympics. He brings a bottle of wine & we have our first prop of the night. It's a callback to the best scene of last season when JoJo's overly botoxed mom was swigging right from the bottle. It's a crime they didn't put her on Real Housewives of Dallas, that way people would have actually watched it.

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Will- He looks like an adult version of Luke from Modern Family who did not age well. Prop #2 he has index cards that he drops like he's one of the 3 stooges- "WHOAHHH! My cards!" He says how he wrote the cards because he knew he would be nervous "I have no idea what order there in! (reading from the cards) Hi JoJo I have no doubt in my mind that – I am the most beautiful girl in the world-WAIT WHAT!?"

ZOINKS! Well, if he doesn't make it on this show he has a good shot at being the adult on a Nickelodeon show.

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Daniel- Someone call FEMA because he is a disaster. Where do I even begin? He looks like he does street magic & he's dressed like he's the host at Carrabba’s Grill.

1) His opening line is "Damn JoJo....at it again being the bachelorette"

- Get it?! Because his name is Daniel? And there was that viral video from months ago where they said Damn Daniel? Remember that you guys?!

Any viral video that isn't a lion being set free then reunited with his owners 15 years later I have no interest in. It also brings up PTSD from "Charlie Bit My finger" which is one of those lines that will haunt me for the rest of my life. In college, my boyfriend’s name was Charlie & he too thought using a line from a YouTube video made him Louis CK.

2) His job title is "Canadian" – well that would explain why he's so weird. My money was on home schooled.

Ali- The lovechild of Nev Schulman & Aladdin whose eyebrows weigh more than JoJo.

James Taylor- That’s his real name. I know James Taylor is a musician that "real" music fans think of as a god, but for me I can't name you one song – if it wasn't on NSYNC cd or performed on Glee I don't know it.

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He has an acoustic guitar & looks like a poor man's Chris Pratt (old Chris Pratt not new Chris Pratt). Having a man sing to me on acoustic guitar is one of my worst nightmares. As soon as I see a guitar in a guys apartment it's a red flag, I'd rather see a sex doll than see a wooden torture device that you'll use to play the only 3 shitty chords of Wonder Wall you know over & over again. I wish she would have taken the guitar and smashed it or put it in front of the limo so it would be run over.

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Jonathan- He is wearing a kilt & tells her "I'm half Chinese & half Scottish – but luckily for you I'm half Scottish below the waist." She awkwardly giggles & asks, "What does that mean?"

At least he didn't add to it by saying, "Well thank god it wasn't me driving the limo! Also, if you have any dogs or cats keep them away from me"

He walks into the house & the guys react to him wearing the kilt as if he was wearing a TRUMP shirt & crocs. They all complain separately about how desperate that is & why would you embarrass yourself like that – there are 77 mirrors in this house, go take a hard look at yourselves & where you are. The signature scent of the mansion is Axe body spray & desperation.

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Saint Nick- Job title, Father Christmas

He gets out of the limo in a full Santa outfit & instead of saying HoHoHo he changed it to "Jo Jo Jo!" very clever! If I were her I would have screamed "I'm a Jehovah’s Witness!"

I'm sure all the flyover states are relieved that Santa is here & hopefully that will help them get over the outrage of the war on Christmas via the Starbucks cups. I hope we have a Jewish contestant who shows as the Hanukkah armadillo.

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He gives her a present out of his sack & so far he's my favorite contestant. Who doesn't love an old man who gives you things?

Here are some other terrible opening lines-

"I MUSTACHE you a question, but I think I'm going to SHAVE it for later" - I hope your barber is Sweeny Todd.

"I'm in real estate & I hope I’ll be the one to take you off the market" – do all your pick up lines come from Night at the Roxbury?

I consider JoJo a war veteran – where's her purple heart for surviving all these one liner bombs?

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One gives her a giant stuffed heart that looks like he spent $150 trying to win it in a carnival game.

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Brandon- Job: Hipster (aka unemployed ex barista who has an extensive suspender & fedoras collection). "I didn't watch last season I know nothing about you." See how hipster he is? He's too cool to watch tv, he's to busy riding a bicycle that has one giant wheel.

Chad (the clear villain of the season) sits in the house & judges everyone's entrance, "When I came on here I thought it was going to be the top guy from each state."

WTF? Did you think it was a good-looking version of Congress & each state sends a representative? You also thought there would be 50 contestants?

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Evan- Erectile Dysfunction Specialist – the problem isn't his job, it's that he called her Girlie. Also his hair is as flaccid as the penis' he works on. He looks like he would play a child predator on Law & Order.

Wells- He brings an a cappella group to serenade her, I would die, this is even worse than when a group of reluctant waiters are forced to gather around your table & sing you happy birthday. The bright side is this is the most black people the Bachelorette has ever had on an episode – good for you ABC! Progress!

I hope they stick around and narrate every date like the chorus girls on Little Shop of Horrors.

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Luke- The war veteran/farmer from a small-town who looks like he'd be the lead character in a Nicholas Sparks movie shows up riding a unicorn. I'm surprised he doesn't have fireworks going off behind him and a bald eagle sitting on his shoulder. He deserves it not just for serving our country but also for not saying "You make me uni-horny." The only way he could impress me more is if he rode in on Li'l Sebastian.

The unicorn is the smartest one there as it takes a look at what’s going on & just walks off. Unicorns are more real than any of the guys’ motives in the house.

She walks into the house & the guys swarm her like ants on a piece of candy. It's my dream just being surrounded by people giving me compliments (that's the only reason I want a wedding, do you think I'm going to pass on a day where everyone is required to tell me I'm beautiful?!) Now its time to begin the "Can I steal you for a second?" which should be the title of the show, because it's said 100 times. JoJo is a human version of capture the flag.

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The marine & her sit on a bench & they zoom in on how his feet don't touch the ground. He has the looks of James Marsden with the body size of a GI Joe. This how I picture Mariah Carey working out, sitting in a gown drinking champagne while someone does all the work, he seems nice but I'm concerned that he's only 3 inches taller than the rose.

JoJo complains how nervous all the men are, yeah why are you guys nervous it's just a gorgeous girl in front of you, 6 camera men, 15 producers & 3 boom mic operators following you around. What’s the problem!

Some of these men have risked their lives in combat, one goes into burning houses for a living but when faced with a hot girl with great boobs they lose their fucking minds.

I am glad there's firefighter in the house just based on how many candles they have lit in this gaudy mansion that looks like it was decorated by one of the Real Housewives of the Orange County.

Jordan (the only one who isn't shaking like a cold Chihuahua) takes her outside. He's the Ryan Gosling of the house, effortlessly charming & cool without being cheesy. He hasn't mentioned he's Aaron Rodgers brother since he's been in the house. I met Aubrey O’Day from Danity Kane once at an airport and that's normally my party story as soon as I enter a room. They have such chemistry & they are just about to kiss when fucking Index Card guy interrupts them. It was like when Ariel & Prince Eric are about to kiss in the lagoon & the eels knock over the boat.

Index Cards takes her aside & does the folded paper game you would do at recess (this guy LOVES paper props). She picks red, probably because it's the same color as a STOP sign, which is what her face is begging him to do. He lifts it up & it says, "It says kiss so you have to kiss me." Yes, there's nothing more romantic than instructing a girl she has to be physical with you.

JoJo has the same look on her face as when you get a kiss on the lips from your creepy uncle who wears Tommy Bahama shirts to every family reunion. I give her so much credit not only is she a pageant queen but she also wins Miss Congeniality. How she hasn't laughed in their faces or stabbed her own eyes out with the unicorn horn I have no idea.

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Thankfully, her night in shining Brooks Brothers jacket Jordan comes to save her (all be it 30 seconds too late) & takes her outside again because he regrets that he didn't get to kiss her. It's so obvious that JoJo is ready to make the broom closet the fantasy suite & ride him like he's her personal unicorn. They have a kiss that has more chemistry than any of the scenes in 50 Shades of Grey. They start dancing by the fountain & I'm sure she's wondering if the ex-pastor/erectile dysfunction doctor can come out & marry them right now.

Chris Harrison walks in with the first impression rose & you can tell he's exhausted from those 15 steps he just took.

It’s now Chad the season’s villain to have his time with her. Chad is like every jock villain from every high school movie you've ever seen combined. He's attractive, has more confidence than a fat drag queen & is also an insane, psychopathic narcissist. He says how "It's hard to find girls who are confident, most girls are too worried about themselves but its obvious you're not thinking about you." Yeah probably because she's too busy thinking she should cover her champagne glass before you put a roofie in it.

Chad is the real life Chad Radwell from Scream Queens – but even more ridiculous.

"I’m pretty confident that if I wanted her, I could have her, I'm a manlier version of Ben. I'm just a supple, smooth type of guy."

Chad is the type of guy who in college probably got his entire fraternity kicked off campus for accidentally killing a pledge during hazing. As if we didn't think he was disgusting before, he described himself as supple.

Just like every romantic movie villain, the girl thinks he's charming & only the guys see the truth but she won't realize it till half way through the season. If Oklahoma wanted a reason not to outlaw abortion, just look at Chad.

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Professional Canadian has his time with her (as if JoJo hasn't suffered enough for one night). He tells her he's never been to Texas because he's Canadian. It's not North Korea you can come & go whenever you want.

He asks her if she understood his "joke" when he came out about the "Damn JoJo". He then decides to explain the joke & why it was "funny" – ahh yes normally fully explaining a joke does make it funnier.

"Have you ever seen that viral video on YouTube damn daniel?" she has no idea what he's talking about.

"Have you been following the internet the last couple of months?"

Yeah JoJo have you looked at it on your iTelephone? Get on it! I feel like this world-wide-web thing is about to take off, get in now while there's still time to get a good AOL screen name!

If he had any self-awareness he would say, "Well this isn't going well eh? Ok I think its aboot time I take my zamboni and get oout of here."

People with aspergers are watching him thinking "He has no social skills."

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He then gets drunk & pokes erectile dysfunction guy in the stomach likes he's a wormy looking Pillsbury Doughboy. He then decides to take his shirt off & starts flexing like a hydroxicut commercial. He looks at the camera with the intensity of Tom Cruise & the madness of Gary Busey. It's very clear he's American Canadian Psycho. He strips down to his underwear and dives into the pool.

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The guys are all drinking like college kids on St Patrick's Day, and two even walk into the room while JoJo’s taping her confessional. I don't know what 911 call will be made first – someone having alcohol poisoning or someone being attacked by Chad.

Nev Schulman/Aladdin takes her & plays the piano that just happens to be conveniently located outside. This show has had more musical numbers than the Tony's.

Jordan gets the first impression rose – can we just save time and also give him the fantasy suite key & Neil Lane ring so we don't have to drag this out?

It comes time for the rose ceremony where she asks the big question "Will you accept this rose from 7-11"

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As we begin we have a surprise guest – Jake Pavelka. Remember the airplane pilot & former Bachelor from umpteenth seasons ago.

**I actually met Jake at one of my comedy shows, he came to see one of my friends who was on the show with me . He came in an hour late and was still in his pilots uniform, even though he told us he had just come from his hotel, so he had time to change clothes but didn't. I sat & had drinks with him & my girlfriend & he was perfectly fine with me verbally assaulting him and telling him how awful he was on Dancing with The Stars & how the most I had ever seen of the Bachelor was when The Soup would play clips of him being a douchebag. I made fun of him for 2 straight hours & he still paid for my multiple orders of fries, so I have nothing bad to say about him. He told me I was funny which is my favorite quality in a person**

He takes her outside for what the producers set up to be him asking her if he can join the men & then the surprise twist is- he's here to give advice! Oh you guys, you had us!!!!

She comes back to the men & explains Jake & I are old friends & he just came by to talk to me. Ya know, how all your old friends stop by in a full suit & mic pack at 4am.

Most shocking moment of the ceremony is that she keeps Canadian. DAMN, DANIEL. BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH THAT PRODUCER'S PICK ROSE.

She cuts Scasian & other guys who all look the same that we don't remember. By the time they walk outside its daylight, that's how long the first night was. Whose president? Are their flying cars yet? Has the Internet thing become big enough yet for non-Canadians to know about it?

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I think they're missing a big opportunity by not playing this during every elimination ceremony.

Well kittens, that was just 2 hours of the 168 more that this season will take from our lives. What are your thoughts? Who do you like, but more importantly who do you hate? Do you think Olivia Munn will be on the hometown date because she's dating Aaron Rodgers? When will JoJo's crazy overly protective brothers move in?

Based on this episode the only competition Jordan has is with that unicorn.

I love you more than Chad loves steroids!

XOXO

A.

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