We open this episode with JoJo & her blowout deep in thought peering out over her balcony, which looks like it's a luxury timeshare in Orlando. She dramatically says "It's just so crazy how last night was my first night & now here I am....it's just crazy." That's not crazy, that's just time.
Cut to the gaudy Spanish-style mansion where The Chad, the luxury real estate agent, makes the breakfast toast "to a beautiful girl, a beautiful life, fuck you all I'm going to make her my wife." The toast doesn't bother me nearly as much as the collection of terrible arm tattoos on display around the table. The most confusing thing about Chad is that I had no idea there was luxury real estate in Oklahoma. Why is that not a Million Dollar Listing show on Bravo?
Chris Harrison does his 90 seconds of work & comes in to deliver the date card which the wormy erectile dysfunction specialist reads out loud because Chris Harrison doesn't have the time or energy to read those 4 words "Lets heat things up"-
We hear a Michael Bay explosion outside, given all of the army veterans in the house I'm afraid this is going to cause a PTSD freak out. They run outside to see a limo on fire. Grant aka Handsome Squidward who is a real life firefighter couldn't care less. As the entire group blankly stares at the limo engulfed in flames Erectile Dysfunction says "wow that fire is hot." Stop, drop & roll yourself towards the flames immediately.
After a full minute of staring at the fire, Chase (who looks like an ugly version of Jordan Rodgers) calmly says "Is JoJo in there? Should I go get a fire extinguisher." Wow I'm glad you're on the ball! Now obviously she would be dead by now but don't you think it would have been a great trick by the producers to put her in special effects makeup to make her look like a burn victim and then see how many guys STILL wanted to stay in the house with her looking like Freddy Krueger?
A fire truck pulls up & Brunette Isla Fisher gets out in a fireman outfit with an 80's metal guitar riff playing in the background as she shakes her hair back & forth like she's in a Carl's JR commercial. This fire scene gives the producers what they want of the men making awful puns about how hot JoJo is "The limo isn't the only thing on fire, she smoking" "She's scorching" The only time someone has used the word scorching to describe me was when my Dr. was telling me about my UTI.
JoJo holds the hose as it explodes with water, get it?! Because it's metaphor for what’s going on in the guys pants right now? Oh ABC you are just TOO much! All of them clap as she holds the hose & say how impressed they are. Can you believe it, she's beautiful AND knows how a hose works! Is she in Charlie's Angels? She asks them if they're all ready for a "hot date" which leads to 20 more puns. They used the word "hot" more in 5 minutes of this episode than Paris Hilton did the entire 1st season of The Simple Life. The real fire team continues to extinguish the still burning limo, between this & all the ridiculous hot tub scenes with Bracelet I'm starting to understand why California is in a drought.
Well the V-necks who weren't chosen for the group date shuffle inside to whine about it, Chad uses this time to work out. He packs an entire suitcase full of Costco sized tubs of whey protein, attaches it to himself & then proceeds to do pull ups from the beam of the house shirtless. It's impressive his ability to encompass so many douche bag traits all at once. He's like if you combined the strength of Dwayne Johnson with the ego of Kenny Powers. I imagine Chad drives a yellow hummer & uses a lot of homophobic slurs.
His name is Chad Johnson & his last name fits him perfectly.
We pull up to the fire academy where the V Necks are going to be put through a fireman obstacle course. This seems like a fair challenge to have Grant compete in since he's an ACTUAL firefighter. If we are going to have the men do competitions of their jobs why didn't we choose Evan where the men have to navigate an obstacle course of flaccid penises?
-Where's Mark Orlando?!-
I wonder how many real fires happened during the time where the entire Rio Hondo fire department was busy filming a scene for the Bachelorette.
Blow Out says, "this is the hottest date I've ever been on." Yes! Thank you for bringing attention to the fact that global warming is a very real problem that we need to be addressing! Oh wait never mind you're still just making fire puns.
Now the men are doing their best impression of Jack Nicholson in Psycho & are using Ax's to break down doors. In a twist Grant the real life firefighter is doing the best! As for Wells, the radio DJ is lagging behind,. Where is his a cappella troupe from the first night to help him?!
Wells' door looks like he's been hitting it with a lollipop. Chief Tracy screams out how he's pale, shaky & that he needs a medic because he's about to faint. I guess we can skip the part where we use the axe to cut his balls off because Chief’s already done it.
This challenge is now who can rescue Wells in case of an emergency as he has to strip out of his gear & is lying on a gurney gasping for air as JoJo tries to feed him water.
The guys angrily look on as Wells is basically getting a one on one date with JoJo, maybe if the rest of you hadn't spent so much time at the gym this could have been you. Wells' personality really stands out, mostly because he's the only one who has any (well besides Chad, ok so Wells is the only one whose stands out in a good way). He has a Seth Cohen type charm where he knows that he has the physical strength of a kitten but makes up for it with jokes that thankfully didn't come from a 6th month old viral video.
-I would rather impale myself on a pool skimmer than listen to this-
At the house the rest of the contesticles are all out by the pool singing along to the acoustic guitar being played by James Taylor aka Ugly Chris Pratt. The brilliant tune they made up is "Joooo Joooo where'd you goooooo gooooo? Jooooooo Jooooo Jooooo Joooo" they're so proud of it & cant stop high five each other saying how much she's going to love it. You're right, John Legends "All of Me" has nothing on "Joooo Joooo". The only guy who ISN'T involved in the soon-to-be hit single is The Chad.
The Chad is sitting off on his own patio chair tanning his 8-pack & rolling his eyes at this terrible camp sing a long. He says how terrible & embarrassing it is and he's 100% right. You know things aren't good when Chad is the most self-aware person in the house.
Chief Tracy calls out the top 3 finalists that he's picked to "save" JoJo. He picks Luke the farmer/war veteran who in the first episode rode in on a unicorn like it were a dream sequence from one of those FarmersOnly.com commercials.
He also picks Handsome Squidward who some how managed to do amazingly well in the firefighter obstacle course to the point where he could almost do this professionally.
Last and certainly least, he picks Wells. Chief Tracy says he picked him because "this man showed that it’s important to never give up!" The look on Well's face when chief announces his name is "please just kill me, I think I see my grandparents calling me towards the light please just let me go & put me out of my misery." The only firefighting challenge he's up for is petting the Dalmatian or judging the chili cook off. I just think Chief Tracy is mad at all the times he missed out on winning concert tickets over the radio & taking it out on him. Wells doesn't even have the lung capacity to blowout his birthday candles but sure lets have him run up 6 flights of stairs to "save" JoJo, obviously a woman can't save herself it's not like shopping or cooking.
The real life firefighter won the challenge, just like the end of an M. Night Shyamalan movie, I did NOT see that coming.
Handsome Squidward didn't have to use an ax to get into the building he could have just used his chin.
It's now nighttime, everyone has had a shower/wardrobe/mic pack change & Brunette Isla Fischer has a new blowout for the cocktail party. As Chin & JoJo talk in the cabana, Farmers Only is taking his loss REALLY hard.
"I lost the challenge and now I'm having to wait as he's getting to talk to her about how he saved her life on top of a roof...it doesn't get any worse for me than this."
You were a war veteran and THIS is still the worst thing there is for you?! You do know she wasn't actually in danger right? Why are you so upset that you lost a firefighter challenge to an actual firefighter? It's not like you lost it to Wells or Boner guy.
Chin tells JoJo how he's never going to leave for work in the morning without waking her up to tell her how much he loves her because there is a chance he might not make it back. Honestly, if you woke me up from sleeping in just to tell me that I would wish for you to die anyway so if you could just leave it on a note on the fridge that would be great.
Next up in the cabana is Seth Cohen. He shows her pictures of his basset hound & she remarks "Is this you?! I didn't even recognize you with a beanie on!" Wow what a chameleon! He's like Zoolander, so many different looks! It's good to know that if she ever had to identify someone in a police lineup the criminal will get away as long as he's wearing a hat.
We see shots of her having one-on-one time with every guy as Farmers Only gets more & more upset as he just stares without blinking at the cabana. At ease soldier! It's just them talking, they're not making out on your "Welcome Home" airport sign.
Him & his leather jacket finally have their time with her, thank god because I was starting to worry about his blood pressure. After 2 minutes of talking they go out on the balcony & make out because she supports the troops!
It comes time for her to give the rose to someone, Chin assumes it will be him since he's the firefighter who "saved her life,” Farmers Only assumes it will be him because "America" so naturally she ends up giving it to Wells Fargo.
Farmers Only is devastated & says "It's EXTREMELY frustrating seeing Wells get the rose, I thought that JoJo and I had a VERY CLEAR connection." If only their connection was as clear as this guys eye contact, the man does NOT blink.
The next day is a one-on-one date with Jim Halpert (Derrik) she takes him outside & says that the date is all about choices. I am very pro choice and couldn't date a man who wasn't so I'm all for it!
They get in a classic blue Cadillac that looks like they're about to film Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. As they drive out I realize the first choice was by the ABC executives and that choice was "cut the budget."
They look at the poster boards made by the shows interns & they choose sky. As they drive down the highway JoJo realizes that Guy Fieri's convertible was the WRONG choice as her blowout is destroyed. She chooses beauty over safety as she frequently takes both hands off the wheel to touch her hair.
Shockingly, they get to the airport without her vanity causing any major accidents. They choose the pilot holding the NORTH sign as the SOUTH pilot walks off dejected. I'm confused why neither pilot is her "good friend" Jake Pavelka.
The private jet takes them to San Francisco. Their choices are "Golden Gate Bridge" or "Lombard Street" I think it should have been
"Alcatraz" or "Eat Rice-A-Roni & go see the Full House house."
ABC is lucky I'm giving out all of these million dollar ideas for free!
They have a picnic over looking the bridge & spend the whole date just talking about the choices they have already made. Does one of you have dementia? Why do you have to keep reminding each other of what you did an hour ago? You're not the fucking old couple in The Notebook.
-How are his fingers not bloody by now?!-
Back at the house the doofi are STILL practicing the JoJo song like they're in Pitch Perfect getting ready for nationals. Everyone that is except for The Chad & Damn Daniel. They're in the gazebo & you can tell that Daniel idolizes Chad. As soon as he saw Chad wearing army pants & flip flops a black tank top, he wore a black tank top. Canadian couldn't even get this right & instead just looks like he's wearing one of those old timey bathing suits.
The Chad: "I always tell girls to stay away from the nice guys! Everyone thinks I'm an asshole, but in the end I'm actually nice. The nice guys are the ones who are ACTUALLY the assholes."
Clearly Chad has read my blog as I said in The Bachelor Finale recap post Plain Cheeseburger in Paradise where I wrote:
"Pillow is a SEEMINGLY nice guy, which I think is even worse than outright bad guys. Because at least with bad guys you know what you’re getting into & they don’t make any promises, with seemingly good guys it’s always worse because it comes out of nowhere so you didn’t have time to prepare & book therapy appointments in advance."
The Chad then says, "If you were making a protein shake out of the dudes here & then blended them up, half that protein shake wouldn't work, like have zero chance!"
I mean he's right, half the house IS unemployed.
JoJo & Jim Halpert are on their dinner date where of course neither of them has eaten. He tells her that her shoes & dress are sparkly just in case she already forgot what she was wearing. They have the same conversation for now the 4th time as they just repeat all the choices they made. Jim needs to start making faces at the camera because this shit is boring. You know it's bad when you're wishing they would go back to the guy making protein shake analogies.
She asks him what happened with his last relationship & he says it was 4 years ago and how he's never spoken to anyone about it – that seems healthy! He says how he's shut down & how it's hard to open up – that's supposed to be Jojo's thing! She says how Bracelet said he loved her & then chose someone else – glad you repeated the story because we had completely forgotten.
She says how she completely shut down after that, wow that must have been a hard two weeks for you between shooting. After hearing that very private & personal story Jim says "I finally feel safe to... to share my story with someone else." Jim your story didn't involve you having to show a therapist on a doll where someone touched you, you were just cheated on.
So he's getting over his ex who had another guy in her life — by dating a girl with 24 other guys in her life. Immersion therapy, brilliant!
-Mandatory forced ESPN cross over-
The next day is the group date & they arrive at the ESPN building, producers are really trying to entertain the husbands who are being forced to watch this show. They walk in on who I assume are famous sportscasters "filming" Sports Nation with JoJo as a co-anchor, as she gives her opinions on sports ball (that were written for her in the teleprompter.)
I like how the sportscasters both cool guy Jordan Rodgers & don't acknowledge who he is at all.
The challenge is to do a touch down dance with a giant rose. Most of the V-Necks do a bucking bronco dance that's as original as the JoJoJo lyrics. Alex the marine uses the rose as a machine gun, not technically a dance but a good alternative to showing people you don't have to own real guns you can just use giant floral props instead, I like his subliminal message that we need stricter gun laws in America.
-Did he borrow Hipsters jeans?!-
Aaron Rodgers’ brother decides to lasso the rose and slides on the ground and then whines about how he didn't calculate the rug burn he'd get from his jeans & how he needs to ice his knees when he gets home. I'm starting to understand why he is a "former quarterback" keep in mind Wells almost had a heart attack and didn't complain once.
The Chad does a terrible cartwheel & then picks JoJo up and spins her around, the sportscasters yell "Hands off the merchandise!" And who says this show isn't empowering to women?!
The guys are annoyed that Chad touched the merchandise & all shake their heads & boo, yeah hands off you're devaluing the price! I feel bad for Alex in the group shot because you can really tell how short he is compared to everyone else; he looks like every ones little brother who just tagged along.
Next challenge is to spin till you're dizzy & then propose to her. The Chad stands on the side & comments how they are making a joke out of the whole thing – OK just like Farmers Only taking the rescue too seriously you do realize this ISN'T a real proposal right? The giant paperweight ring didn't tip you off?
Chad’s proposal is "Will you marry me" which he says as a statement. She asks him where was all the stuff about what you love about me? And he says, "Well in that moment you would already know that" Chad's the type of guy who would go to a magic show and yell "FAKE!"
She asks him again to tell her what he loves about her & he says, "You're coming off a little naggy." You can tell that the book "The Game" is his Bible.
Next they have to do a mock press conference & answer questions like "what do you love about JoJo?" Big surprise Ugly Chris Pratt uses his press conference to sing his answers, just in case you forgot he's a singer/songwriter.
This show is literally Burning Love.
We have the guy who only sings for every scene & we have Chad who is a real life Blaze.
Next question-Who should JoJo NOT pick and everyone answers "Chad"-
It's Chad’s turn & he says he can't answer what he loves about her because he doesn't know her & all the other guys have just said things they've learned from studying her on TV & are trying to kiss up.
They ask him who he thinks is here for the wrong reasons & he answers "everyone"-
That's not true! Ugly Chris Pratt is here to get a record deal & Jordan is here to remind everyone that Aaron Rodgers has a brother!
The Chad says how right now he can't say that he wants to marry her & that she's the greatest girl he's ever met because they just met 2 days ago, and the guys who are saying that are either lying or complete psychopaths.
The guys look stunned that they were called out & the sportscasters look stunned that he's so aware of how ridiculous this whole series is.
I have only watched Bracelet’s season & now this one but Chad is my favorite contestant ever (Olivia's Mouth 2nd, Lace 3rd). I don't get why every person on twitter hates him, he's not wrong. Yes he's taking this challenge way too seriously but the fact these guys actually say how much they've fallen for her already during their confessionals at the house is completely insane.
Imagine if you just met a guy for the first time and then the very next day you were both at the same party & he was raging because he saw you talking to another guy you would block him from your phone immediately & tell all your friends that if you ever go missing to check his apartment for your remains.
I know he's this season’s villain but he isn't saying anything that Bethenny Frankel wouldn't, they're both huge assholes who roast everything & everyone around them. He just does it with protein powder instead of SkinnyGirl. JoJo actually seems impressed with his honesty & you have to admit it's refreshing to see one of these contesticles say something else besides the same rehearsed lines that have been used for 12 seasons.
I just love him because he's the only person who acknowledges how fucking horrible the singing is.
All the other guys think this is finally what’s going to take him down now that Jojo & the sportscasters have seen the "real" him. Alex the child size James Marsden seems to hate him the most. You can tell that he wants to take the giant rose & jab Chad’s eyes out but he can't because he only comes up to his belly button.
The sportscasters give their rankings
1. Ugly Chris Pratt-the sportscasters say how talented he is (obviously they haven't heard the Jo Jo song yet) 2. The Chad 3. Lil' James Marsden
I wish we could have seen where they ranked the other six guys. Lil James Marsden is more upset than happy about being in top 3. “Getting third hurts a lot because Chad got second. It just doesn’t sit right with me. It makes me mad to think that I’m even associated to a man like that.” Associated? It wasn't a list of what 3 guys are most alike. Calm down.
For our cocktail party we are at some weird garden & I'm not sure if anyone else saw this in the exterior shots but-
WTF is this?!?!
Ugly Chris Pratt tells her "A smile is the only thing you can see on the outside that comes from the inside."
- so apparently he's never ejaculated, thankfully there’s a boner specialist who can help him. He asks if he can read her a poem (oh god the 2nd worst thing besides singing). He reads from a crumpled piece of paper a paragraph about himself and it doesn't even fucking rhyme! Oh well at least he didn't sing it. The "poem" makes her cry or maybe she just caught glimpse of that terrifying statue.
Next up is Lil' James Marsden. The producers make them sit on a giant chair or maybe it’s just a regular chair & he's that small, I honestly can't tell. He looks like a miniature Disney Prince, he's Prince Eric and Chad is Gaston.
It's now Chad's turn. He mentions that he owns a yorkie that he inherited from his mom who died 6 months ago but quote "she died but I can’t dwell on it, besides I got an AWESOME dog out of it." Is it Brian from Family Guy? I'm starting to think he pulled a "Menendez Brothers" just to get the dog.
JoJo is really into him "opening up to her" & isn't alarmed at all that he joined a reality show 6 months after his mother died & that he has eyes like a shark. She's into douchebags, remember last season during her hometown visit when her ex tried to get her back? His name was Chad Roadstool, which is the second douchiest name on the planet after Chad Johnson. They kiss in front of a wishing well & all the guys are wishing Samara from The Ring would crawl out & kill him and his neck beard.
Back at the house it's the night of the rose ceremony & all the guys are sitting in the family room talking about The Chad (at least it's not that fucking song), they talk about Chad way more than they talk about Jojo, if I were her I'd be pissed. While everyone is talking about him he goes outside at the very moment her limo is pulling up, Chad’s (the producers) timing is impeccable!
Him & Blowout walk in together & the guys go crazy. As soon as she walks out of the room Lil' James Marsden asks The Chad to step away from the meat plate in the kitchen because the group needs to talk to him. Chad walks up holding a mountain of cold cuts so big it looks like he's a cater waiter. GI Joe starts asking rapid fire questions-
What’s up with what happened?
(Chad just stares eating meat)
You were outside?! How did that happen?
Chad- I just walked through the door to the outside
(He smirks as little Disney Prince gets more & more upset)
Did you talk to her?
(Chad just stares, eating more meat)
What did you say?
(more smirking, more meat)
Don't you think it's odd that out of all people YOU were outside?
(more smirking, more meat)
Why is your tie the same color as her dress?
(more smirking, more meat)
WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU SAY TO HER?!?
The Chad is loving this almost as much as he loves the entire Boars Head deli section he just ate. Once he sees that the group hates him even more now, he makes it his personal mission to interrupt all of their time with her as much as possible.
We cut to Jojo & Chase sitting by the fireplace (whose Chase again? He's the ugly Jordan Rodergs) and suddenly they have "snow" falling on them-WAIT WHAT!? This is so wacky and unexpected! Snow? But we're INDOORS!!!
At first I thought it was Hipster standing over them shaking out his dandruff – it's actually sadder that it was an intern having to stand on a ladder & sprinkle fake snow. Jojo is also forced by the producers to wear mittens and they REALLY compliment her sequin evening gown. Ugh, all this wacky producer effort for a guy who won't even make it to the first trip? As horrible as this is to watch, at least it's not the fucking singing.
Chad has made his 5th plate of meat. He's eaten more in one episode than any of the girls ate all of last season. He sees Jojo talking to Disney Prince Jr. & goes up and says the signature line of the series "Can I steal you for a minute?" James Marsden is even more furious then when the park employee tells him that he can't ride the roller coaster because of the height requirements.
Disney Prince JR confessional: “It’s something right out of a horror film in my perspective that he came up and cut me off during my small amount of time I had with her.” You know, that famous scene from The Exorcist where they interrupt each other?!
He gathers the other contesticles together & as soon as they see The Chad heading back for his 9th trip to the kitchen they decide to try the group confrontation thing again – yes because he was so affected by it the first time...
They surround him & we think they're really going to go for it this time, instead it's this
Handsome Sqidward: “You’ve been crushing the food.” Lil James Marsden: “You’re crushing the time, dude.” Jim Halpert: “You got after it tonight.” Then they complain that Chad doesn’t care about them.
He gives them a giant shit eating grin & says, "You're right, I don't care" & stuffs more food in his face.
They're so frustrated that he isn't reacting that finally Jim Halpert yells, "This isn't funny! STOP SMILING!"
When you scream at someone "stop smiling!" that just causes them to smile even more.
The Chad's confessional “Whenever they came up to me to talk to me, they’re like the most vague bullshit ever. It was basically just like, ‘Hey, you hurt our feelings. We’re a bunch of butt-hurt dudes who are gonna confront you slightly.’ It was like watching Westside Story. Like, a bunch of dudes just like… surrounding me, man.
"When you're a Chad you're a Chad all the way!"
You have to admit, his confessionals are hilarious, I'm also very impressed that he's a musical theater fan.
The Chad Confessional: “I don’t care if I’m best friends with every guy here. Number one, that’s not why I’m here. Number two, it’s only fun to mess with people when they get upset… So I think I’ll have one last little bit of conversation.” as he slowly puts more meat in his mouth, it's his version of the Dr. Evil pinky.
He interrupts more one-on-one time & Lil James Marsden is now redder than Wells' face during that fire fighter challenge.
Lil James Marsden Confessional -“If Chad gets a rose tonight, it means that everything that I think that that rose stands for is degraded.That rose is supposed to symbolize, that like, one of the best bachelors in the country is receiving that. It’s supposed to symbolize that you’re a good guy and you’re here for the right reasons. But it’s gonna represent, just garbage if she gives him that rose.”
It's not a medal of honor, it's a rose from 1-800 flowers & all it means is that the producers need you for screen time for another week.
I love that The Chad & Lil James Marsden were both marines, which I think is one of the reasons Disney Prince JR is so obsessed with him. The Chad is his personal war.
It's the Pro Flowers rose ceremony & The Chad is eating meat the whole time-this is the best rose ceremony that will ever happen in the history of this horrible show. As she gives out the roses The Chad notes in a voiceover "I don't even know who some of the guys are getting the roses" which you have to admit that's what every audience member is thinking. I honestly thought one of them was just a dressed up PA who walked into the shot.
The last rose goes to The Chad. She sends Hipster, Bachelor Super Fan & some guy who we didn't even bother to know his fake job title home. I wonder how many things Bachelor Super Fan took from the set & how many times he tried to get Chris Harrison to do the out going message on his phone.
The Chad says in his confessional that "She only gave a rose to Alex so America doesn't think she hates short people."
Erectile Dysfunction is not happy The Chad got a rose “I wish she had told him to get the freak out!”
Ugh. Barf. I actually think I know who would be perfect for this gonad-they both share the same Kidz Bop cuss word vocabulary & love of Big Bang Theory, you guessed it!
The Chads' End Confessional -“All these guys just trying to compete for Jojo and falling over each other, making fools of themselves, I’m not impressed. It’s a parade of losers. God, they’re gonna write so many more songs, they’re gonna write poems. I will not write her a song about how much I love her. I’m gonna have some protein shakes, keep working out, keep eating food"
The look of disgust on his face when he says "God, they’re gonna write so many more songs, they’re gonna write poems" is priceless.
p
Is The Chad an asshole? Is he right about almost everything? YES.
Thank you reality tv gods for the gift of The Chad. Last year we had Olivia & her cankles, this year we have Chad & his protein powder. Yes, Chad is the kind of guy that will say, "she'll have the salad" while on a date but he is the only thing that makes this show worth watching. Well Kittens I'm off to see how well Jo Jo Jo is doing on the iTunes chart.
Tell me in the comments who you think is grosser
The Chad or Wormy Boner guy who has 3 kids? (I think we all know my answer)
I love you for reading!
XOXO
A.