A few posts back I said how I would be covering RHOBH. I'm not kidding when I say I have written a recap for the last 3 episodes & given up half way. I'm not sure if Walgreens has changed the supplier of Adderall they use but I cannot pay attention. I have seen every episode this season at least twice & I have no idea what's going on. All I know is we say the word "Lyme" no less than 15 times an episode & I'm starting to think that I may have it. I can't pay attention to television, I'm tired all the time, I love to cancel dinner plans, I'm in a robe & stay in my apartment all day, and I can't exercise. I mean I physically can, I just don't.
Kathryn aka Aviva Dresher's robotic sister has been to the hearing doctor twice out of the 4 episodes she's been on! I'm sorry but between YoYo & partially deaf Robot I've been in more doctor’s offices on this show than I have in the past 5 years. I don't watch Real Housewives for doctor’s appointments or to see Eileen & Rinna shop for cheap luggage on the Santa Monica pier! I want to see Lisa Vanderpump shopping for a pet dolphin or Paris Hilton coming over to help Portia with her improv lessons.
This week we're in NYC with all the girls (minus the Lisa's) who are there for YoYo because she's accepting a Lyme Disease Awareness award at the big benefit tonight. I assume it's an award for the person who took the Most Instagram selfies while having the disease. As she's getting her makeup done she reminds us "This is my first time I'm having makeup on in 11 months!" This whole season has been her reminding us how long it's been since she's done something. For a disease that’s supposed to affect memory loss she's almost autistic in telling you exactly how many days something has been since she's done it. "It's been 2 years since I wore white jeans with my signature Hermes belt," "It's been 240 days since I tried to hug my husband while he was at the piano & he pushed me off of him in front of Baby Face."
YoLo, Kyle, Robot, & Erika Jayne go to the gala which is the first time this season we have the glamour of an event we expect from RHOBH. Dresses & tuxedos in a giant New York ballroom with beautiful centerpieces and lights, & then we remember this isn't for something fun-it's to talk about Lyme disease. Not saying disease awareness isn't important, but there’s a reason I'm watching Bravo & not the news or Discovery ID network. I don't want to watch anything depressing or educational-which is why I watch the housewives. I want weave pulling & fights with psychics smoking electronic cigarettes; I don't need to hear the real life story inspirations of the next Nicholas Sparks novel.
David Foster who looks like he's the tallest & biggest prick out of all the elves at the North Pole is here "supporting" his wife but you can see in his head he is counting down to the minutes till he tells her he's leaving her & the fridge. He's probably already started scouted GiGi's friends for his 5th wife. I wonder if he decided he wanted a divorce before or after Yolo got that haircut? It makes her look like a very tired Claire Underwood from House of Cards.
Tommy Hilfiger’s daughter Ally makes a speech about how she has Lyme & how it was so hard for everyone around her to understand because she didn't look sick & all I can think during the speech is - Man I used to love that MTV show Rich Girls she was on forever ago & just the scene of her crying by the pool to her dad because she didn't know how to make a burrito. I'm not sure if any of you remember it, it was like 10 years ago but glorious!
-Remember the glory days of MTV when we had this & Newlyweds instead of Janelle Evans?-
Then GiGi makes her speech about her mom, I'm glad the benefit didn't try to put Bella or Anwar up there because the whole time everyone would be thinking "We only want to look at GiGi" even though ironically she's the only one out of the kids who DOESN'T have the disease, which maybe the reason she's everyone’s favorite. I'm kidding.. but not really.
The whole time we keep panning to my hair twin Kyle who is at the table sobbing with a giant napkin like she's watching Schindler’s List while on her period. Pull it together, you weren't even that invested in YoYo having this lymenhausen disease 3 days ago but if anything’s going to get someone to pay attention to this disease it's going to be GiGi's husky voice & that cheek highlight.
Yolo then gets up & for someone who is finally wearing a cocktail dress for the first time in 2 years (which she of course will tell you). For finally ditching the robe she's worn all year, she's unfortunately picked a cocktail dress with what looks like Lifetime Channel logo on it. She spends most of the speech talking about David & how he is such a hero for staying by her "This isn't what he signed up for" so I guess they skipped the "in sickness & in health" part of the vows.
They keep panning to David who has a tight, close-mouthed smile on his face & you can see he's just counting the minutes on his Rolex till his town car picks him up & he can get back on the private jet to the 5 Tenors. The only reason he came to NYC in the first place which he made very clear with all of his passive aggressive comments was just to sleep with her when she finally had makeup on & sort of resembled an inkling of the trophy wife she used to be. She still worships him & calls him "her king" & "her love" but that's meaningless to him when she doesn't have makeup on & can't greet him at the door wearing lingerie with a home cooked dinner she made while she's starving herself on the lemon cleanse.
Kyle is in tears & hugs Yolanda saying how she finally understands & how awful she feels "that I was even in the same room as people who were talking about you & your disease" meaning both of the Lisa's. She tells Erika Jayne & Robot that if she hears either of them talking about it again that "they are going to get their head bitten off," so I assume she's going to borrow Kim's dog Kingsley to do that? But seriously, that dog is a monster.
Back in Beverly Hills the Mother of Swans who didn't go to NYC for the benefit because she had to go to England to "renew her passport". That's going to be my new excuse for when I just don't want to do something.
Her third favorite child comes to visit her
3) Mute Max
4) Hanky the anorexic swan
Max says more words in this episode than I have ever heard him speak in 5 years. Granted it was a total of 7 sentences but still. They are sitting out in one of their 30 rose gardens on a bench under an umbrella & she says how he has worked so hard at the restaurant as a busser that she has a small surprise for him. She then stands up & gets a box that’s hidden inside the top of the umbrella which I don't understand, why not just hand him the box from your purse? Or carry the box out with you? I get if you want to present it with some flare but then why not just have one of your 100 animals come wearing it around their neck? Make the miniature ponies Diamonds & Rose do SOMETHING!
He opens it & it's a pair of car keys that he says "OMG you're kidding me?" Not screaming it like on an episode of My Super Sweet 16, just sheepishly "OMG are you kidding me?" Like how you would say it when you see your parent’s doing the chicken dance at a wedding. You would assume since it's car keys & it's the Vanderpump’s it's a Bentley or a Masarati being that Giggy's wardrobe is more expensive than most people's rents, so I was surprised when a new black Jeep pulled into the driveway. Max seemed very excited (well for him it was very excited) for everyone else I've been much louder when my waitress finally brings my food out. But he seems thrilled & it's apparently what he wanted, it's the black version on Cher Horowitz’s car & he needs Faith from Vanderpump Rules to be his Dion.
We then go on to our 19th packing scene of this season. I'm at least glad that this episode we had packing & the trip in the same episode, a normal Bravo trick is wasting a whole episode of packing and then the next episode is the trip.
I'm already mad at them for faking us out with making us believe that Robot was going to be kicked out of Snatchy's Pasadena mansion & then it turned out to just be Mr. Girardi escorting Ken & Lisa out because they had to leave early. It was a Kelsey Grammar level of betrayal & I felt personally victimized by the Bravo editors.
I feel like all of the scenes this season have just consisted of:
1. Munchausen Disease -saying the word, learning the definition, debating if YoYo has it, lots of Lisa Rinna reading definitions aloud from her iPhone & saying how she wasn't the one who started it she just was in the room of the hair dresser who initially started the rumor & she just happened to "engage" in the discussion. How often news stations say the word Trump is the same amount of times we hear the word Munchausen on Bravo.
2. Lyme Disease-YoYo in a robe in a sad condo that she says is because "the Malibu mansion is too big to be in with my disease," which if you're not moving anyway why does it matter how big or small your place is? Oh wait, it doesn't, it's just her rationalizing why she had to move out so David could entertain Andrea Bocelli, the 5 Tenors and whatever 20 year olds he's screwing that week. 3. Gentourage- Gay entourage with Erika Jayne starring as Vince & the inventor of Pat the Puss Mikey is clearly the E and in charge of the 3rd tier gays. They're always dressing her & getting her ready for events that we don't really see & based on that one show we did see at club Pervert (not a judgment, literally the name of the club) the audience didn't really seem that into it or know the words. She's gorgeous,great body,she's direct & for someone who wears cat suits a lot doesn’t act catty at all, but I wish she was funnier or more exciting. I'm sorry but Pain Killer is no Tardy for the Party. She doesn't have the energy of a Sonja Morgan or Ramona, or the one-liners of Bethenny Frankel or NeNe and none of her gays are even that fun-there's not one Dwight or Kevin Lee in the bunch.
She's gorgeous & we love her clothes, she's the beauty & costume of a Rupaul's Drag Race contestant but without any of the personality behind it- she already looks like a Barbie but I wish we could make her a ventriloquist doll & have NeNe voicing her, bloop bloop!!!
4. Kathryn- Aviva Drescher’s robot sister who isn't even interesting enough to be missing a leg, she's only missing hearing in one ear which isn’t nearly as entertaining. She has her husband who looks like a male gigolo she has permanently paid to be with her. All we have seen of her is doctors appointments & her acting like a lunatic at Erika's dinner then blaming it on her being half deaf. No, it's not because you're half deaf; you're just fully an asshole. It wasn't the volume that was the problem, it was what you were saying & just your whole try hard personality. We then see her go to the doctor yet again & she gets an implant to help her with her hearing, that Wisconsin accent makes me wish I could have an implant that would do the opposite-take away my hearing anytime it's a solo scene of her.
5. Packing- SO many packing scenes even though it doesn't really feel like we've gone anywhere or really done anything up until this point, besides San Diego & half of us going to Lymenhausen benefit. Also it really bothers me when I see people pack & they put their suitcases ON their beds. Are you monsters?! That is the bag that is handled by 200 airport people and goes on how many conveyer belts that everyone else’s luggage has been on since they built the airport? And dragged outside in all different weather conditions to & from the plane but sure lets put it on the same covers that we sleep in at night and snuggle our faces into. So Rinna is packing with her suitcase on the bed-barf! You're going to get some type of disease from this, way worse than Lyme! Harry Hamlin her husband watches, holding a guitar that he thankfully never played.
We cut to Eileen giving her husband Vince what looks like an at home chiropractic adjustment/massage. Does anyone else think it's weird that her husband is the only one without a job yet he never goes to any of the dinners or events? Apparently he is too busy gambling her soap opera money away.
They're discussing with their husbands how hard it is to pack with all of the rules of the country-no cussing, women can't expose their shoulders or too much of their bodies- I mean we all know, we all saw the fiery train wreck that was Sex & the City 2.
Meanwhile in Pasadena (which I still can't believe Erika lives in Pasadena) the Gentourage is packing her for the trip & have a printed out and binded "Erika Jane Dubai Look Book," this trip look book is more thorough & well printed than any of my school reports.
She also says how she will be flying all the Gentourage out to be with her in Dubai because she can't possibly trust the hair stylists & makeup artists in the most glamorous & richest country in the world. Her makeup artist is Scott Barnes, who used to be Jennifer Lopez's first makeup artist & created her signature glow look, he was like the Joyce Bonelli of 8 years ago. I also love how she didn't tell any of the women she was flying her glam team out to meet them. The ladies won't even need any SPF with this shady palm tree. I pray that over in Dubai Scott Barnes sits Lisa Vanderpump down and has a long serious talk about those false eyelashes of hers.
They arrive at the hotel, which isn't a hotel it's a palace that makes the one in Sex & the City 2 look like they were staying at a Best Western. Kyle & Vanderpump’s room that they are sharing is 9,946 feet & $40,000 per night. When Lisa walked into the room she thought it was the lobby of the hotel, and you know it takes a lot for Mohamed’s best friend to be impressed by anything anymore.
Rinna, Eileen and her denim jumpsuit are staying in the "Underwater Suite" which is like living in the underwater kingdom. Its like a real life Little Mermaid scenario but instead of fins one of you is wearing a denim jumpsuit & the other is wearing Depends diapers for $$$ because she's hustling!
-I really do love Eileen & I give her credit for committing to a look for a 24 hr flight-
Cut to Yolo packing up the Malibu house that has been sold & of course Brandi shows up in white painted on denim boy shorts & stiletto peep toe booties. You know, what you wear to go help your sick friend pack boxes.
I was shocked because even though the scene was 2 minutes it was the longest Brandi has ever been on camera without telling us how hard it is being divorced & cheated on. I have no sympathy for Brandi- I'm sorry but you should be thankful to Leann Rimes. Not just for giving us the hit "How Do I Live," but if it weren't for her none of us would know wtf you are (which trust me I wish we didn't). I don't feel bad that you're divorced- you're not a fat, single mom taking care of 2 kids on a minimum wage living in a one light town working the grave yard shift. You're a former model who weighs an Olsen Twin who lives in Beverly Hills, who has now written 2 best selling books just about your divorce & has since gotten to sleep with tons of celebrities like Gerard Butler. Hell, I'd get married & divorced the next day if it meant I could sleep with Gerard Butler. So no, I have not nor will I ever have any sympathy for Brandi who looks like if you took a needle to her cheeks her face would pop & fly around the room like if you let the air out of an inflated balloon.
Brandi starts ranting about how Rinna needs to eat something. Brandi telling someone they're too skinny is the pot calling the kettle Giuliana Rancic. She starts saying how Rinna wears a wig & they then cut to her in this confessional & I literally screamed out loud when I saw it. Why did she decide to film her one-on-one confessions when she was on her way to an Austin Powers Gold Member themed birthday party?
Back to Dubai Erika & Robot are sharing a room, which once again saying a "room" makes it sound likes it's 2 double beds with a mini bar, their room is also a mini palace. They're not sleeping in the Sea World aquarium tunnel like Rinna & Eileen, but their room does have a fountain full of fresh rose petals. Everything about this is fabulous except for the fact Robot is there and she always looks like she's dressing & moving like Caitlyn Jenner. Caitlyn’s only been a woman for a year so I give her a pass, but you have been one for 51 years so get it together.
All the women meet in the lobby of Kyle & LVP's mini kingdom & they are all wearing kaftans except for Robot who is wearing a leopard mini dress from the Sofia Vergara for K Mart collection. Kyle thankfully gives them gift bags of more kaftans (which we know is Kyle's favorite clothing item to wear) & Robot enthusiastically says "I love I'm going to change & put it on right now!" which no one protests.
In her one-on-one she says how "I normally try to stand out from the group & not dress how everyone else is dressed but we're in Dubai so I'll join in with the rest of them." So is that your excuse for dressing in cheap, unflattering clothes-so you stand apart from everyone? Well, good work! Also it's not just your clothes, it's also your personality in general that sets you apart from them. Like way apart, like you need to move out of the camera frame & off the show apart.
As the girls sit down it's clear that the Gentourage's plane hasn't landed yet because Erika is barley wearing a tinted lip balm. Kyle says how she wishes that Yolo could have come on the trip & says how beautiful the Lyme benefit was. Oh good, another round of Lymeorita’s for dinner.
Kyle says how Yolanda said in her speech how Anwar & Bella have lyme-which had been a debate with the girls earlier in the season, which why do we care? If it's not GiGi, let's move on! You can see Erika's hackles start to go up as she's very protective about her friend & she says to Rinna how she wishes she could have been there because "It would have maybe answered some things for you & helped you understand things better." Rinna then goes on to say she isn't saying that Yolanda Bananas Foster isn't sick, but that her problem is how & when she uses her illness & how she presents it. She says she was "enraged" by the fact Yolo said she was too sick to come to Erika's dinner when she wasn't to sick to hang out with Brandi & Kim for lunch earlier that day. Enraged? That's a really strong word; does Yolo even add that much to a dinner party? She's not exactly Tina Fey, you didn't miss out on hilarious stories you just missed out on her listing off how months it's been since she's done things- "It's been 14 months since I did yoga on the private Malibu beach with Richard Gere & Sting’s wife Trudy," "It's been 2 1/2 years since I had an organic kale vagina steam," "It's been 2 seconds since that last time I pronounced a very common word incorrectly."
Now I love my Lipsa, she's one of my favorite housewives of all the cities so it kills me how she's gone on about this lymenhausen all season because I know she's going to be crucified at the reunion. I love you Mrs. Harry Hamlin but why do you care if it wasn't even your dinner party? And if Erika doesn't even care then what's the problem? It's not like YOU wanted to be at that lunch. I can't imagine a worse lunch than being stuck with Kim Richards & Brandi Glanville, I would literally rather take lemons from Yolanda's now deceased lemon grove & squirt them into my own eyes. Just say your problem isn't that you think it was her calling in sick to dinner but it was because you hated the would-be AA group she went to lunch with. If those are the people Yolanda chooses to hang around then she really is sick & mental illness is just as real as Lyme and honestly much easier to see in people. Look at Kenya Moore.
They just keep going back & forth about the same conversation we have had since the 2nd episode of the season yet now it's a different backdrop. It's like the movie Groundhog Day but instead of Bill Murray its 5 botoxed women in kaftan mumus. Erika Jayne says she thinks Yolo is doing "the best she can" & I agree. I think she's doing "the best she can" at lying to you all about how her private life is crumbling & that’s why she was moved into a sad condo that has vertical blinds that David Foster is never visiting. We see Daisy the "health advocate" everyday. Hell, we have even seen GiGi's ex boyfriend Cody Simpson's mom visiting that condo more than that piano-playing prick. They decide to end the depressing run around conversation because just like the last 8 episodes, there is never a resolution or answer. So they all agree to go out and do a forced toast that the producers need for a night time skyline shot of Dubai as they cheers to "health & friendship!" It's a good thing YoYo isn't there how awkward for her, she barely has either of those 2 things!
Even with the addition of Erika Jane this zzzeason of RHOBH is so boring. After seeing Erika Janeardi on WWHL I feel completely different about her which makes me sad that I can't even enjoy her like I used to. When asked about her coat which was so over the top costume hideous you assumed it was fake seeing her say "this is a dead animal" with no shame hurt my heart. For someone as beautiful & smart as she is I now don't see her as a makeup idol anymore, I just see her as ignorant. For someone who has as much influence as she does, to promote something as obscenely cruel as fur is disgusting to me. For someone who values herself in being so confident in her own skin she shouldn't need to wear someone else’s. So now, even she's a disappointment. I don't expect everyone to be a vegetarian but it's really easy to avoid having 25 foxes skinned so you can do a Cruella Deville drag look for 5 seconds before you rip it off to reveal that night’s rhinestoned catsuit, you pat the puss you don't need to skin one. For someone who has a chapel in their house I would think that she would be more compassionate to all other living beings alive on the planet. Erika, all animals deserve the same love & respect that you show to your dinosaur husband.
Ok Kittens tell me what you think, am I the only one that's bored out of her mind? Do you think Vanderpump is mad that Samantha Jones already made all the terrible sexual innuendo puns about Dubai? Do you think Eileen is going to wear her denim jumpsuit under all of her kaftans? Hopefully Robot won't hear them all leaving for the day on their outings & will just stay at the hotel, honestly her airtime is as useless as their city shots of Beverly Hills traffic, people shopping, & the ocean-as if you don't know what a city looks like so they need to remind you.
Let’s take a moment to remember the most important cast member-
Tell me in the comments what you think, are you as confused as I am? How am I not able to understand what's happening with RHOBH, it's not Homeland. Tell me your Lymenhausen/David Foster Theories or leave your best refrigerator memory-
I love you for reading!