We open the show with the lamest party crashing tour I've ever seen, Chris & Bracelet (the Producers) decided it would be great to go around to all the Bachelor Nation viewing parties that have absolutely no idea they're coming- but magically have all their doors unlocked & they all have makeup & clothes on, conveniently none of the parties were just of one woman watching it in her period sweatpants with a full bottle of wine & lean cuisine pizza. Bracelet who is wearing his pleather jacket keeps saying, "OMG this is crazy! I can't believe we are about to do this!" Um, it's not a burglary. Although, you have stolen over 26 hours of our time. They are in a giant party bus even though it's just the two of them when they seem like they would be much more comfortable driving around in a Toyota Yaris.
The fans react to Bracelet & Chris Harrison walking in like its Beyoncé holding a Publishers Clearing House Check. He's a high school quarterback "software" salesman that we know NOTHING about besides those two things & that he is obsessed with his Pawnee hometown. And, the most exciting thing about Chris Harrison is that he's friends with Kris Jenner!
They walk into one viewing party of fat Middle America moms from some square state armpit of this country & a toddler is wearing this god-awful puffy paint onesie that is off center. Mrs. Higgins? It could happen, she's only 20 years younger than a few of the other contestants this season.
. Sadly, this outfit is still better than some we have seen this season. This mom is the same woman who said she got into the Bachelor because it was her husband’s favorite show & how he loves to have his own Bachelor Fantasy League because "He says it's so much better than football!" Oh honey. Why didn't you let your clearly homosexual husband design the onesie instead?!
Now in the studio we have 28 out of the 30 girls here & I don't know if it's because they have all taken out their extensions or watched more YouTube makeup tutorials but I don't recognize half of them- not like it matters the only ones we care about are Unlikable Cameron Diaz, Lace, Token Jubilee and.... yeah that’s the whole list. I wish they had cut these other 24 bandage dresses and just spent the whole time with those 3. The girl who we only knew as "Chicken Enthusiast" brought a chicken and held it like a clutch the whole time.
-NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN YOU BEFORE! Everytime she spoke I wanted Damien to stand up & scream "She doesn't even go here!"
Rachel (who? exactly) the one who was labeled "unemployed”, still has that same label. In the 2 months you couldn't have come up with a fake job to tell them!? Or to say you were an enthusiast of something!? C'mon Rach! I'm starting to see your lack of motivation to even come up with a good lie could be one of the major reasons you're unemployed.
They role a montage of all the "drama clips" from the season which was mostly just the other girls talking shit about Lace, Jubilee, & Olivia. See even the girls in the house knew they were the only ones exciting enough to talk about. As soon as it ends one of the girls who I swear is an audience member that they just put in the chair because one of the real contestants flight was delayed starts in on how she thought Olivia was going to be her best friend and then she felt like Olivia was more focused on just talking to Pillow- yeah because she's there to fake have a relationship with him not to collect more Facebook friends. Thankfully the chicken read our minds and interrupts this complete stranger we've never seen before by creating a distraction just to get her to stop talking. Thank you chicken! We saw more of you in this season than this whiney rando.
We now move on to the Jubileeave her alone segment
-I didn't realize we had 2 sets of twins on the show who apparently share a 1inch barrel curling iron-
These two girls who were speaking way too much for having so little air time this season & only making it to what, week 3 in Vegas? Yeah calm down Hot Miami Styles dresses.
They have a huge problem that Jubilee called herself 100% black when these two are only 50% black. I don't get it, that's fact.It's not like she's Rachel Dolezal-ing us & telling us she's 100% black when she's not?
They then have a problem that she said she's the only black girl to have gotten as far on the show as she did. Once again-FACT. If these two hate facts so much why don't they quit their bartending jobs & go work on Fox News. I feel like Chris Crocker screaming "LEAVE JUBILEE ALONE!!!"
Jubilee was an orphan who is now Sergeant in the US army; she doesn't deserve this bullshit from you random slores.
We now have our queen & Parker Posey look alike Lace. I loved this woman even before she liked one of my Instagram pictures (HUMBLEBRAG). They play a montage of her time of on the show and in a 60 second clip the word "crazy" was mentioned 35 times.
All of a sudden an audience member stands up randomly (after producers give the cue) & screams "Lace you may be crazy, but you're crazy beautiful & I may seem crazy myself but I have to show you something”.
If a random white man stood up & started screaming, "I'm crazy & I have something to show you," I would assume it was a gun. He Kanye runs to the stage & lifts up his shirt to show his Lace tattoo (aka what some shitty artist did with a bald point pen to this PA an hour before taping).
She says how she has done a lot of work on herself in therapy since the show (BOOOOO!!!!!) & that she tries to remember her motto everyday "like my tattoo says, you have to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else." I love that she has my favorite RuPaul quote tattooed on her. She says that the Bachelor wasn't a good fit for her where she was in her life at that time. Chris invites her to join Bachelor in Paradise so she can undo all that personal growth & so we can see her do her "Rosanne Rosanna Danna" impression in a bikini. VIVA LA LACE!!!!!!!
Next is what felt like the Salem Witch Trials of our Cankle Queen
Unlikable Cameron Diaz comes to the stage in a very short & straight bob that looks like it was straight ironed in 5 minutes. She had to watch a montage of her worst moments on the show (so basically all of her moments). Was Olivia crazy? Yes. But she didn't hurt anyone except herself, her broadcasting career, & her reputation across America.
Chris asks her how it is watching that & she says it's extremely embarrassing. She says that she did really did have feelings for him but she knew things were getting worse for her in the house when she would walk into a room & they would all stop talking & glare at her. As she's talking they just keep cutting to the other girls snickering & rolling their eyes at her and whispering to each other as she's talking. Thank you for proving her point!
She re-apologizes for calling Amanda “Teen Mom”, and even though Single Mom has laryngitis she still sounds like a cartoon mouse. Even though she apologized after it happened & once again on this episode, Single Mom still keeps going on about it & retorts with a line she’s clearly been working on for a couple months in the car pick up line: “Being a mom is my jam" BARF.
It's such her jam she auditioned to be away from them for 3 months & when she finally did come back to see them brought a strange man they had never met & told them this could possibly be there new dad. You're right; being a terrible mom IS your jam!
You can see that Slutty Twin Thing 1 & Thing 2 are gearing because they can barely keep still & are looking at Olivia like she ran over their obese Dachshund. They both start going off & have shaky voice because they are so impassioned with getting attention & camera time. Thankfully, you don't have to make a lot of TED talks at strip clubs & instead can just focus on dancing to "Pour Some Sugar On Me" around a pole.
They attack her for being a bully & one of the slutty Taylor Swifts say "One night YOU were wearing a long dress because you said you wanted to look like "wife material" & I was wearing a short romper so you were basically calling me a slut". WOW that’s a lot of rationalizing because if she had called you a slut that would have been put that in every preview they could run. But she didn't. The rest of America called you a slut but not Olivia, at least not when she had a microphone on & if you didn't have a mic pack on when you said it- IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. They just keep saying she's a bully & when one of the girls points out "You bullied her this whole season" Slutty Thing 1 says "YEAH BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT". I bet all the NFL cheerleaders watching you right now can't wait for you to join their team!
Olivia then says how they bullied more than she ever bullied them-they made comments about her cankles, her toes, her cleavage, her dragon breath MULTIPLE TIMES each episode & everyone is choosing to focus on a Teen Mom comment when Church Mouse was talking about Ex Baby Daddy not wanting to drop off the kids to her moms? I'm sorry but if you asked me to name what that reminds me of I would say "The show Teen Mom". You're going to get offended anytime says _________ mom because you have kids? I could imagine Balloon Voice being the type to complain on Campells Soup Facebook page about the commercial having the two dads in it- "How am I supposed to explain this lifestyle to my CHILDREN!? How do they have two dads & my kids don't even have one?!"
I feel like saying someone has bad breath is one of the most embarrassing things you can say about a person because it changes your idea of them forever. I would rather do the caborlesque performance in front of America then have everyone know kissing me tastes like hot garbage. In her defense, can you imagine how hard it is to floss 150 teeth?!
Honestly the girls should have apologized to Olivia not the other way around & we ALL should have gotten apologies from the producers for having her be kicked off so early.
Next we bring Character Shoes down & Chris Harrison is really pushing hard "Wow, did you hear that applause? A LOT of love in the house for Cailia. am I right? Right?" UGHHH stop pushing character shoes on us to be the next Bachelorette. Maybe the next Disney character actor but not the next Bachelorette.
She says how hard it is to watch it back & she didn't picture it ending that way,she pictured it ending with wedding photos of her, Bracelet, her dad who looks like the evil scientist in Nightmare Before Christmas & her mom in adult braces.
Church Face comes out & he & Chris Harrison continue their bromance. Oatmeal gives generic, rehearsed politician answers to all the girls & even though he groped & then broke up with all of them they still stare at him adoringly hoping that one day he'll sell them software at a discounted rate.
He asks about Single Moms kids because of course they have to. I wish she would have said "they keep asking where their new dad went & why men always leave us" but instead she just giggles at a pitch only dogs can hear & says they're good & she knows Marshmallow will make a great husband & dad one day. BARF.
This episode seemed as long as the Oscars & with almost as much race discussion when all I wanted to know about was what happened to Slutty Twins club thumb during filming, but did the important questions get asked?! Of course not.
I can't believe next week is the finale no ones been waiting for. In the previews we see a lot of Pillow looking pensive (or constipated), the return of his disapproving librarian mom, and Basic & JoJo Isla Fischer both in separate helicopters in evening gowns. I don't know who cried more tears tonight- me out of boredom or Oatmeal in the previews.
How do you feel kittens? If the rumor is true about Character Shoes being the Bachelorette we should all start a petition online to suggest that Sheila the chicken take her place instead. I'm serious.