The Bachelor

Hometown Zero



This week we go back to the town that made Ben the oatmeal cookie of a man he is today -Pawnee! I mean Warsaw, Indianna. I don't know if my ears are prepared for the shrieking once the girls find out that they are in the ORTHOPEDIC CAPITAL OF THE WORLD!!! We see Ben walking around his hometown in a pleather jacket waving at every stranger on the street pretending to know them, & then I see this car & wonder if it's Jay Leno who I imagine in Warsaw is considered a very edgy comic.


He goes to meet his parents at what looks like a B- rated deli that makes the one on Seinfeld look like Morton's Steakhouse; this place isn't even Guy Fieti worthy. There is a sign in the window that says, "We don't have wifi - talk to each other." Way to lure your customers in! I would rather go into a restaurant with a sign that says ,"We have Ecoli." (At least with the Ecoli I might lose some weight.)

Potato kisses his dad; which I realize Italians are very affectionate with each other, but when I see male WASPS kiss each other, it just creeps me out.

He describes all the girls to his parents & the look on their faces when he says that one of them has 2 kids from a former marriage, is the same look of blank horror I have when I hear someone say they're going to vote for Trump.

Potato gets up to leave but not without kissing his dad goodbye again. He then says goodbye to his mom & the way he looks at his mother you can tell that if it was allowed on the show, (and in other states besides West Virginia) he would give the final rose to her.

We see the girls waiting for him by a dock & playfully throwing dirty leaves at each other because the producers are forcing them to. Oh ABC, thank you for reminding us how much fun white girls have in the fall together!


Where James Bond pulls up in a speed boat wearing a tuxedo, Off Brand Osmond pulls up in a pontoon boat wearing a leather jacket. He's as good at driving the boat as he is at Pig Whispering & almost crashes the boat into the fucking dock while taking Caila Character Shoes out with it. Ben, think of her community theater acting career! Who is going to play the lead in Guys & Dolls?!

He loads the harem onto the boat to take them to the other side of the "lake" which just appears to be a large pond. The girls act very excited & all make comments about how beautiful the water is. Um, you just came from the fucking Bahamas & you're telling me you're excited about this murky water that is probably filled with used tires and condoms? You must really be in love with him & by him I mean the chance to be on Dancing With The Stars.

We get to the pond house they're staying at & Potato tells Lauren B-asic that they're going on a one on one & she has 30 minutes to get ready. If someone told me I had 30 minutes to get ready for a date, I would tell them they better add 2 hours to that.


He takes Basic on a date in Bella Swan's truck from Twilight, & they drive around his shithole town with no seatbelts. Where the fuck is his traffic citation? Click it or ticket, Bracelet!


He drives her around to his "favorite" places which I bet you can already guess his first stop - his school! Of course he wouldn't miss ANOTHER opportunity to bring up the fact he used to play high school football; maybe that one of the reasons he's so boring is because his brain has suffered too many concussions from playing for him to have any personality or humor left. Lauren asks him, "What position did you play?" Even my cat knows he was quarterback; he's only mentioned it 19 times this season.


I didn't think it could get worse than the not so glory days high school tour, but it did. We now drive past his church! He says, "My church," like it's his Cheers - that's where everyone knows his name. Ugh. Having to stare at his scripture tattoo last episode is the closest thing to going to church I'm ever going to get.

He tells the story of his first kiss & how the girl laughed at him because he said he didn't know how to kiss her - he should be very familiar with girls laughing at him by now. I know I've been doing it this whole season.


He then brings her to a Youth Club which he said, "Formed him into the man he is today." Which I would not use as their advertisement unless you want your kid growing up an unloved russet potato who has a fetish for perverted puppetry. Lauren says how being there playing with those kids, "Makes me feel like I'm back at home hanging out with my friends again." Your friends are neglected 12 year olds? Some see kids; all I see is a giant cloud of pink eye.

A professional NBA player comes out who Lauren Basic pretends to be a huge fan of (he's never been married to Khloe Kardashian or Eva Longoria so I have no idea who he is), but I am happy that now Ben has officially met 4 black people thanks to this show.


Potato then sees a little boy crying in the corner. He says to him, "You look like a dude who could use a little fun today!" - and then takes his hand & leads him outside.

Hhhhhmmm, maybe don't use the words "a little fun" while leading a crying child away from the group because it looks like you're dragging him out for some candy in your windowless white van. (You do already have a reputation of hanging around elementary schools even though you yourself have no children at that school.)

They then go to a dive bar where she meets all of his friends, aka any person in the town willing to sign a release. He says, "This has always been my dream, to bring my girlfriend to meet my friends at my favorite bar!" Move over Martin Luther King, we have a new dreamer.

Also, she's only sort of your girlfriend (since you have 5 others). These acquaintances are sort of your friends & you seem like you'd be much more comfortable at a salad bar than a real one that serves the devil's juice.


He takes her back to his "apartment" which is confusing because doesn't he live in Denver doing "software sales"? Also, what single straight man has orchids in his apartment? Also, why is there a giant fucking padlock on your fake apartment door? This isn't the Bronx, it's Indiana where the only crimes committed here are ones against fashion.

The next day we have our date with JoJo, who is the only person on the show I barely hate. She's so pretty & adorable that I have no idea why she's on this show or would be interested in Church Face. She always looks like she just got a blow out & has a really fun variety of scarves. Maybe she sells them on Etsy and THAT'S why she would subject herself to this, for the free press! Smart JoJo. That "Leave, get out, right now," money wasn't going to hold you over forever.

They have a date at Wrigley Field. We get to the field & of course we have Mr. & Mrs. Higgins jerseys. It's smart of producers to just use the last name, so they can use the same jersey for whatever girl gets stuck with this sack of flour in the end. They're going to be playing baseball -ugh back to the fucking physical challenges. (The youth center date Lauren had to jump rope & play basketball. Now JoJo has to play baseball. How many sports bra's do the producers tell them to pack!?) Watching Ben play baseball is like watching Charlie Brown play baseball, sad. Ben looks much more like a catcher than a pitcher.


Once again, we have our classic Nicholas Sparks cover of an attractive white couple lying down in the grass together.


They then go to change outfits & batteries in their mic packs, and he comes out wearing a brown corduroy jacket. I didn't even know they still made that fabric, #themoreyouknow, but now we can have our completely natural, sit down formal dinner on the field. I'm waiting for the sprinklers to come on.BEN HIGGINS, JOELLE He asks her why she seems nervous anytime she's with him & that he feels like she's holding back with him. If you were playing a drinking game anytime Jojo said,

-I'm afraid

-I'm scared

-I'm guarded

-I have my guard up

-I can't let my guard down

-I'm just....really worried

Well then you would have died of alcohol poisoning. I don't know what happened to JoJo. If she was a war prisoner, a mole woman, dated Tom Cruise? I don't know what happened, but she clearly was released from the PTSD treatment ward too soon. The only thing I would be afraid of being with Ben is that he would fall asleep at the wheel & I wouldn't even notice.

The next day we have the group date at a farm where he makes them fly kites - seriously, he's Charlie Brown, but I'm even less sexually attracted to him. If I showed up for a date & an adult man told me I would be flying a kite, I would strangle him with the string, but ya know, who LOVES kites? You guessed it!


During that thrilling kite segment, I was praying for a lightning storm that sadly never came. This group date literally only consisted of the kite flying... dear God, where is my beloved Olivia when we need her? Who needs Ambien when you could just watch this show. It looks less like a dating show & more like a Claritin commercial.


He then brings them to a barn that looks like it's the set of a Mumford & Sons video. He makes them wait in this Pinterest barn while he takes each one aside & talks to them about their families so he (the producers) can decide which ones he wants to visit. Stevie Wonder could have seen that he was going to pick Single Mom to give the safety rose & hometown visit to. Do you think the producers are going to miss out on having fat middle America moms oooohhing & awwwwing over Potato playing with her two sticky children? I'm already dreading next week where we have the inevitable shot of them on the beach building sand castles together or eating ice-cream together and getting it on each other's noses or some bullshit. Barf.

Potato sends Becca the Virgin & Character Shoes back to the pond house to continue the date with Single Mom. He then takes her to a McDonald's because he says since he's in his hometown he wants to do what's normal for him when he's home, which is go to McDonald's. McDonald's is one of those local treasures that you can ONLY find in Warsaw, Indiana. I would love for just one episode for them to be honest about a date and say, "This company was willing to pay the most amount of money to sponsor us, so that's why we're here!"


Buh duh buh buh buh I’m Leaving Him!

Single Mom & Potato order breakfast for dinner, scandalous! And then zaney Ben tells the woman working behind the counter, "Hey, ya know what I've always wanted to do? I've always wanted to get behind the counter. Is there any way you would you let us back there?!" Subtle! Nice job producers. This is as real as the meat in the hamburgers. This date is extremely painful for me to watch, not just for obvious reasons but because it's a flashback of every date I ever had with my ex because it's all he could afford.

They start working the drive thru and it is a RIOT. I would be so pissed if I was having to wait in the drive thru forever just for my fruit & yogurt parfait & when I got up to the window, I saw the reason it took 20 minutes is because Field Mouse & Bracelet are having fun playing cash register? I wonder if serving Happy Meals reminded her of being back at home with her kids because that's probably what she gives them for dinner every night anyway.


They do a Lady & the Tramp kiss with a french fry & I didn't think McDonald's food could get any more grotesque, but I was wrong. The look on her face is like he's a mamma bird throwing up into her mouth.

Also, isn't Ben eating a french fry cannabilism?


The next day, Twin finds out that she's going on a date to meet his parents. She says, “Talking to people can kinda be a hard thing for me, & I just really need to rely on my conversation skills today." Oh no.

Can't you use your finger injury as an excuse to pass this date on to someone who loves to talk & sing? Maybe like Saved By The Bell extra Caila?

Also, why has Twin's bandaged finger never been acknowledged? It's been like that the last couple episodes. Did the producers break it so they could originally tell her & her sister apart? WE WANT ANSWERS CHRIS HARRISON! WHAT THE FUCK ELSE ARE YOU DOING?

Bracelet picks Twin up on the pontoon boat, & you just know this is like when Fredo goes out fishing, this is the end. It's shocking his parents weren't more excited to meet her; it's every mom's dream to have her son bring home a club thumbed girl from Las Vegas whose job is "twin"over for brunch.


His mom instantly "steals her for a second" & they go off to talk. Trailer park Taylor Swift thinks it's because the mom wants to get to know her better, but it's because the mom knows separating the weak, slutty gazelle away from the heard is the quickest way to kill it.

Twin starts word vomiting all over the mom who has all the warmth of an ice cube. She looks like the English teacher who would refuse to give you a hall pass or let you chew gum in class. Twin is nervously rambling like she's taken 7 adderalls. Hey Twin, stop stealing my signature look! Twin is pulling a Ms. South Carolina. She tells his mom that one of her biggest problems is her over thinking things. Oh sweetie, I promise you, you're not over thinking at all. If anything, you're under thinking.

She tells scary teacher that even though she's 23, she's absolutely ready to be married & have kids. She then says one of the most heartbreaking, second hand embarrassing lines I've ever heard on tv, "I feel like I'm so average at everything in my life but deep down in my heart, I've always known I'll be an above average wife & an above average mother," because thats what every mother in law wants to hear. Where are the Hallmark cards that say, "Thank you for always being an above average Mom," because I feel like that's a really untapped market.

She then continues digging her own grave even deeper by telling his mom her dream in life has always been to be an NFL cheerleader. Honestly, this is a much more ambitious dream than her piece of celery stick son's. His was just taking his girlfriend to meet his friends at a bar! Good for you Twin! Shoot for the stars! Or getting star tattoos on your lower back, either one! I'm very impressed she wants to be a cheerleader, just based on how much spelling is involved.

They start playing the "quirky, piano Zoey Deschanel music" which is never a good sign. Things went so well with the mom so time to go win over dad making this thing a done deal. She tells him how she wishes she could just watch movies all day long & that she hates vegetables. Movie buff & a foodie? Who says Vegas doesn't give you culture!?

Ben's mom pulls him to the side and breaks down in tears over how she doesn't think that Twin is at the stage in her life where she could settle down & begs him to make the right choice, aka dump all of them & just live with me and your father in our pond. I mean lake house forever! We can watch all the videos of your high school football games!

They get back on the pontoon boat, which for some reason production is still allowing him to drive. We see swans on the water which is fitting because this is Twin's swan song; it's over. He takes her back to the house & they sit on the dock. She thinks it's so they can go over all the great things his parents had to say about her. Instead, it's him telling her that he can't see her as his future wife. Bright side, he probably does see you as a stripper at his bachelor party so at least you'll sort of be involved with a wedding!


All the girls in the pond house seem to be really sad about Twin leaving. Now who are they going to borrow lip smackers from? We mourn the death of Twin but at least Character Shoes is brightening up the mood by wearing overalls non ironically. So, she apparently stole the costume from when she starred in Oklahoma.

The 7-11 rose ceremony comes. The girls are freezing & you can see their breath. I'm sure Caila probably did that thing you did when you were little & pretended to smoke a fake cigarette & then giggled & said, "OMG you guys I would never. I'm a DARE graduate!"

Potato is having a really hard time making this decision he's had the last 8 hours to make while they set up lighting & craft service. He sits on the stoop of what looks like the clock tower in Back to the Future. Chris Harrison decides to earn his million dollar contract by jumping in & counseling him with, "Well Ben, what are you going to do?" Seriously, he has the easiest job in Hollywood besides Gulianna Rancic's personal chef.

Potato eliminates Becca the virgin, so this is the second time she's been rejected on National TV on the same show. He then tries to walk her out & hold her hand.


I know that she's asking that to Ben, but it should have been what she said to herself after she signed the contract to be on this show again. Yes, why DID you do that? I know that you're technically a virgin but you've been fucked twice.

Becca, you're beautiful. You look like you should be the gold digger on a soap opera; you don't need this "software manager," which, for all we know, means he sells Rosetta Stone at a mall kiosk. You're a chiropractic assistant! You deal with insurance & changing the paper roll on the table, & you can do way better than this guy. Wait for a really old, rich guy to come in - listen you have access to their health & financial record so start putting more work into forcing a relationship there.


I want to thank all of you who tagged me in Ben's instagram post about his bracelet. At first glance it just looks like a good Grindr profile pic letting people know he's into fisting. As soon as we saw this man jewelry on the show, we knew it was going to have some martyr meaning behind it - as most unattractive bracelets often do. You wear it so you have the opportunity to brag to everyone that you paid $15 for it, & it gives water to one of the countries that they would never take you to on The Bachelor. I'm not a monster. I think donating is a great thing. Do you know how many out of season clothes I've given to my housekeeper? I'm kidding, but not really, homegirl seriously cleans up in more ways than one.

I think donating is a wonderful thing & everyone should do it, but you can still give the money & not have to wear the terrible bracelet. It's like if you wore the "I donated blood" sticker & arm bandaid everyday. But now where's the charity for the chinese kids who are somewhere making THOSE fugly bracelets? It's an endless cycle. That's why everyone should just donate to Kanye's Go Fundme instead.

Tell me kittens your predictions- Who you want to win & more importantly who would you rather do, Ben or his Dad? I love you more than Twin loves movies!