The Bachelor

Bay of Pigs & Confusion



We open up with last week's cliffhanger of Ben pulling Olivia away to confront her about what the lynch mob in BeBe dresses has said about her. Twin is still in freak out mode over the Teen Mom comment, which wasn't even offensive OR directed at her. Twin is thirstier than the Las Vegas desert that she & her toe ring crawled out of. "That is the most offensive joke I've ever heard" If that's the most offensive joke you've ever heard than you must only get network TV & have only ever watched The Bachelor, because you living in Vegas with your job as "Twin" should be the most offensive joke you've ever heard.

Pillow takes unlikable Cameron Diaz to the darkest hallway in the world & asks why she's not fitting in with the other girls & all I can focus on is his smashed in right elf ear (so we know what side of the bed he sleeps on.)

She says that the other girls seem more interested in braiding each others hair & painting each others nails- the only one I could see interested in painting peoples nails is half- Asian Character Shoes Calia. It's a good thing Mouth wasn't involved with the braiding or nail painting, because she's going to use the hair & nail clippings for an alibi & use the DNA to leave at a crime scene later of whomever Bracelet ends up with.


Big Mouth Billy Bass says she would rather be in her room thinking "smart things"


Bracelet takes this as a good enough excuse & they head back to the rose ceremony. Mouth has this to say to the other girls "come at me bro" All she would have to do is open her mouth and they would all fall in like the hole in 300. "I'm not going anywhere & the rest of the girls can SUCK IT"

I would do anything to have this delusional level of confidence as I have seen healers, therapists & tried multiple medications & still have never been able to achieve it. So I incredibly jealous, although I'm not jealous of how long it must take her to floss at night.

I have 2 theories during this 7-11 rose ceremony-

1)Not Teen Mom is a secret baby that young Tamra Barney gave up for adoption-the ages totally match up & the the location, I'm just saying.

2)You can always tell which girl is going to go home because its the girl whose hair looks the worst & who the lighting crew spent the least amount of time on

White Bread eliminated Jen(who?exactly.)She's the girl that last week was the first time we ever saw her & I'm still convinced she was a stand in PA that they just put in a Davids Bridal discount bridesmaids dress.. As no name is leaving no one even opened the door for her-thanks for the no help Chris Harrison, we wouldn't want you to excert yourself more than your contractually obligated 4 sentences an episode. Although they probably thought since she has been so invisible this whole time she would just walk right through the door like the forgettable ghost she is.

Bracelet then says "I'm so excited to announce we are going to a place with a lot of sun & a lot of water!!" -so basically the date is any place on Earth.

"We are going to the Bahamas!" All the girls shriek like they are being stabbed to death. I mean the Bahamas! Can you even believe it!?! You know, one of cheapest vacations you could possibly go on with $198 dollar round trip airfare? The glamour of it all, it's like the tropical version of Paris!

Next shot we have is the producers making the girls sit on a catamaran and scream"Bahamas!!!" like its an opening sequence of the Miss USA pageant, but at least those girls have a talent, they are America's future while these girls are America's quickly fading present.


Once again the girls can not believe they are staying in a hotel!!! More screaming. You would think they were Amish & were on Rumpsinga. "I have NEVER seen a hotel like this!" Calm down, you're sharing a room with 100 thread count sheets, this hotel is Bahamian Motel 6 resort at best.

Single mom is on the balcony which is beautifully furnished by Big Lots, overlooking a beach with one umbrella on it. "When I picture a dream romantic vacation, this is it!" Yeah, because you're two annoying snot nosed kids aren't there.

The one on one date card is for Caila Character Shoes and it says "Lets see if our love is reel " they girls all scream "Reel is spelled "R-E-E-L, ya know, like a fishing reel! Instead of regular reel, so you're going fishing!!" Camera reel & fishing reel are spelled the same but it's not like you would record your date on videoooo oh wait. Never mind. Biggest question is how is Calia going to wear character shoes with a bikini?

As stuffed animal collector Cailia goes to the bathroom to sing and dance at herself in front of the mirror "I'm going on a date woo woo I'm going on a date" I realize that she probably used to dream of being in the group Kidz Bop but that the songs were too risqué for her. Meanwhile the harem sit in the pathetic hotel living room & complain about how she has already gotten a one on one & he has hasn't gotten a chance to know them. That's probably because he doesn't know the difference between any of you so how would he be able to put a name down. Do you think its a coincidence that character shoes,Olivia, Token Jubilee (RIP) & Jojo keep getting one on one dates? No its because they were the only ones we can tell apart! The whole time they are complaining all I can focus on is Olivia's hair & how its not reacting well to the humidity. She clearly forgot her John Frieda frizz control, her hair gets bigger & bigger with every shot. I wonder which one of these girls will be the first to get the classic white tourist predator braids- my money is on Vegas twin.

Leah (who?exactly.) I guess she's a party planner? Well apparently she's not life of her parties because I do not remember her & neither does Ben. She is crying about how she hasn't received a one on one as Altar Boy Ben enters the room to come get Build a Bear enthusiast & doesn't even notice whats her name is crying. I'm staring at her on my TV & I already forgot who she was, so I honestly don't blame him.

Pillow & Caila walk up to a boat & she says "I'm the luckiest girl alive, I just cant believe it" Well, you're Asian, and female, and alive so I guess technically you're doing better than most Asian girls. Pillow says probably one of my favorite sentences of all time "On our last date we did a ride along with Kevin Heart & Ice Cube so most of our date included 2 other men in the back seat" yes Ben, we all remember the first & only car ride you took with black guys. Also, way to make them sit in the back seat, real progressive America!

As soon as they sit down on the boat she automatically grabs his face and eats it like the piece of white bread that it is. Cut to back at the hotel we hear Leah (who?exactly) crying from inside the bathroom with the doors shut so they just zoom in on the paint on the wall which is pretty much the same as zooming in on Leah but the paint has more depth. She's crying that she's not on the one on one & that she's going to be sent home. I'm surprised the show even remembered to get her a ticket there.


Caila's on the boat and she's either wearing the biggest chastity belt she must have borrowed from Becca or what is the most dangerous strap on I've ever seen.. They are "fishing" aka an intern is on a raft next to the boat attaching fish to the end of the line for them to reel up.

Altar Boy is pawing at Caila like a Persian man at a club who just bought you a free drink. She pulls up a fish that is the same size as her & looks like its one of of the mounted ones that they just stole off the wall at Red Lobster.

He makes her kiss the wet fish-if her eyes were closed she probably couldn't tell the difference between the fish & Ben.

Leah the Debbie Downer party planner crying in the bathroom "I live 10 minutes from him we could have just met at a bar but no the universe brought us here" well if you lived 10 minutes from him in the same shit hole town why didn't you just stalk him there once you found out he was going to be the bachelor? It would have been easy, he just hangs around his old elementary school! She's crying "why would he do this to me, why would he keep me here if he doesn't like me?! Why! Why is he keeping me here?!" OK you're not a Scientologist Leah, you know you're free to leave whenever you want right?


Bracelet is now being so hansdy with Caila that he looks like a fucking octopus. We see his awful tattoo which is a paragraph long on his side, I cant tell what is says but I'm sure its some bible verse. Barf. Why wasn't this boat taken over by Somalian pirates? Then he could have talked to 3 black guys this year!

We move on the signature date of completely untouched food & Ben says that he wants to get to the other layers of Calia like she's a desperate little onion. "You smile a lot, I've noticed that about you, you seem like the type that smiles even through hard times"- which is exactly what being stuck with you on a date is Ben, hard times.

He says "I'm looking for someone to comeback & cry with me because I'll probably cry with them " I would be perfect for you Ben because I would be crying -with laughter at you. He asked her why she isn't being more vulnerable with him & why she hasn't cried on his shoulder. She says that she doesn't feel comfortable enough to do that & the she feels put on the spot. Good for you girl, this off brand Osmond has no right to demand for you to cry on cue for him. I don't understand how at the beginning of this episode he said he loves how smiley & positive she is & now he's complaining that she hasn't shown a negative side of herself or cried in front of him. Listen Marshmallow if you want someone depressing who isn't afraid to cry you're in luck because Leah is back at the motel starting a flood of her own tears in the bathroom.

I would have cried multiple times on the show, like as soon as I found out I had to be in a bikini in natural lighting on TV. Or that I had to be on a boat. Or as soon as I got out of the limo & saw that the guy I was competing for was wearing a bracelet.

Church face then retracts what he says "NO, I'm not telling you to be vulnerable & tell me your deepest darkest secrets" (literally that's exactly what you asked her to do) "do you really think I could be someone for you or not?"

" I think I really love you BUT.." -(Ben does not jump in with anything, instead he looks away & just stares at the giant conch shell on the table)

She then says that his biggest fear is that he's unlovable & her biggest fear is that she's going to hurt him. He asks how & she answers "I don't know, I just don't want to hurt you" I hope she does hurt him, emotionally. And physically.

Ben keeps asking "what are you feeling?" She keeps giving rambling, contradicting answers that make no sense.Ben says he's confused, then Caila says SHES confused by her own answers & that she's a confusing person.

She clearly has taken too many conflict resolution classes because she keeps starting every sentence with I FEEL. I am more confused by her answers than I am why anyone would be attracted to Ben. She says she knows she's falling in love because she's being understood,even though he has told her 7 times during this dinner that he doesn't understand what she's saying. She says this love & feeling is real. This is as real as the fish you caught today.

Ben says "I understand her now. Its attractive that she's confusing"........Yeah you're right, that is attractive! She's the human version of sudoku-boring,confusing & Asian.

The next day Leah (the crying party planner) has finally left the bathroom & gets ready to join the group date. She says how she's worried she doesn't have the energy for the date today bc she's not in the right mood, maybe because you cried like you just watched a marathon of Sophie's Choice & Schindler's List. Maybe instead of parties she could plan funerals because she's killing the energy in the room.

The parade of jorts meet pillow at the dock & once on the boat in the ocean we see lots of stingrays & I'm praying for a Steve Irwin situation. They start playing the Jaws theme music so naturally I thought that meant Olivia was going to "steal him for a second" but instead the procurers wacky date for this episode is having them swim with the wild swimming island pigs that I have seen a lot of pictures of on Pinterest..Pigs are one of the smartest animals on the planet so I have no idea why they would sign releases to be on this show. Mayonnaise says how they're going to feed them hot dogs, which isn't that considered cannibalism for the pigs?


In the Pinterest pictures the pigs had always been small & cute. These are not Babe sized pigs at all. We thought the scariest scene was Olivia's showgirls mental breakdown but its this pig attack. These giant hogs are chasing after these 125 lb girls & they can't get away, they are surrounded by them on land & water -this is Pignadoe! Its like Animal Farm on a beach. Ben the " Pig Whisper" said to cross your arms over your body like a corpse to make them go away- if anything this attracted them more. The girls are running & screaming in fear, and one of them is screaming "Give them the wieners!!!!"As they literally throw the buckets at the pigs to try to get them to stop. It didn't. If anything it just made the pigs more mad because now they knew they didn't have any more wieners.


Ben REALLY knows how to read the room, as the girls are literally screaming and running for their lives in the background he tells the camera "The girls are just having a BLAST with it! Some are even getting the pigs to chase them around!" No Ben, the pigs are literally chasing them, that's why they are screaming & cowering in fear and slipping on the rocks as they run to get away.

Twin wasn't involved in the group date from hell & is safely back at hotel, she may have missed out on Pignado but I'm sure we will see Twin on camera surrounded by wieners soon enough.

Back at pig beach all the girls are separately saying how awkward this date is getting, they didn't even have this negative of a reaction to the puppets.

Ben while riding a pool noodle in the middle of the pig ocean said how awkward he feels. really pillow? You're not the one who is in a bikini on national TV competing against 10 other bandage dresses for a guy wearing bracelet while getting attacked by pigs. (Notice how all the girls are trying to hide their bodies from the pigs and the audience under the water?good move.)

Floating pillow tells Jojo "You just get it" her response "what do I get?" just blank stare...He then finally says "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing" Um, that is ABUNDANTLY CLEAR. Also would your bracelet be very happy about that language? Right then we see a pig lurking to interrupt the one on one to "steal him for a minute" but this one has 4 feet.

Off brand Osmond goes up to funeral planner who is sulking on the beach, she is so depressing that not even the pigs want to be around her. Bland man walks up to her and gives her the first attention she's had since the rose ceremony a few days ago.

Pillow-Do you like pigs

Debbie Downer-Yeah I like pigs. I like to eat pigs

(signature Pillow blank stare)

She starts crying again, well there was a strong 2 seconds where her lip wasn't quivering. I know Bahamas has plenty of Jet Ski rental places & snorkeling tours but are their any prescription beach huts because she needs a mood stabilizer yahh mon!

Back at the house its "steal him for a second" time. Ben comes in & announces "Today seemed frustrating for most of you people" like he's the assistant manage & its a staff meeting at Best Buy. He grabs Becka the virgin & wants to know why she ignored him today. Oh I'm sorry Pillow that she wasn't available to fill your bottomless emotional pit of need,she was too busy running from pigs thanks to your stupid fucking arm trick.

Debbie Downer party planner says that Lauren B for basic is very confident & her relationship with Mayonnaise is progressing so she isn't going to sit by & let that happen. She pulls Pillow aside & tells him that Lauren B for basic isn't the same around him as she is around the other girls (she's exactly the same basic & forgettable) even though Debbie Downer has now become the shadiest palm tree in the Bahamas I do give her credit- she stopped crying,made a plan, and followed it up with massive action, Tony Robbins would be proud.

Right then B for Basic pops up and says "There's thunder!" AKA "Since its storming and I'm an adult,can I steal you for a second?"Pillow asks B for Basic if she's acting different with him she she looks at him with same confusion I have whenever Caila speaks.


Basic goes back to the group & starts crying that someone told Marshmallow that she's fake & not here for the right reasons & why would someone do or say that. All the girls look around in confusion. Debbie Downer than gives the best performance of the night by saying "Who would do that? Like they said you specifically?" when asked if she did it she says "No of course not, I didn't say anything, I would never be the type of person to do that" Congratulations, you out crazied Olivia! You can say a lot about Olivia, and I have. But Olivia never lied to anyone- besides herself. Now I doubted Debbie Downers ability to plan anything, let alone a party, but she planned something greater- the greatest revenge scheme of all. Touche! Your Lexipro has finally kicked in! Debbie Downer & Dirty is relieved Lauren B for Basic didn't get the safety rose but says she's still worried abut her moving on so "I might have to do something more extreme" what more extreme thing can you do? Are you going to go back to the island kill one of the pigs & dump the blood on her at elimination?!

I like that she thinks her problems with Ben not remembering her are all Lauren B's fault. Its not like Lauren Basic stole your personify and above average looks.She not a magician, You never had either to begin with. She now goes to Ben's hotel room to "really make sure he knows that Basic isn't right for him" Who knew that the whole time she was in the bathroom locked away crying she was writing on the mirror (all psychos draw on a mirror)her fatal attraction plan-Olivia must have left her playbook lying around. After 15 minutes talking shit about Lauren to Ben, he tells her that he thinks it's best for her emotionally if she leaves. What he means is its best for him & his psychical safety if she leaves. White bread says he will never forget her, yes because you'll see her face hiding outside your bushes for the next year.


The next day is the show down one on one date, The Mouth VS The Twin. They're on a boat & the water is so rough it looks like they're going through a category 2 hurricane. Olivia has been suspiciously quiet most of this episode so instead of talking to the cameras I guess she has gone back to talking to the voices in her head.

Her & Ben walk down the beach & the weather is so bad it looks like they have 7 Beyonce wind machines on them. They sit on an uncomfortable jagged rock and she tells him how she doesn't care about the other girls in the house being intimidated by her because "deep & intellectual things are my jam" I bet MENSA is really missing their most valuable member while she's away. She then tells him that she's in love with him and he looks at her the same way he looked at the conch shell.

Twin has spent this entire episode talking about Olivia like she ate her other twin & both of her obese dachshunds. Twin is as obsessed with mouth as mouth is obsessed with pillow. He talks to twin but its not memorable because she's not nearly the deep, intellectual person that Olivia is. He looks into slutty Taylor Swifts eyes & he knows what he must do.


Mayonnaise takes Olivia down the beach & tell her that he's so thankful she was open with her feelings & her love-but that he cant reciprocate those feelings. So he breaks up with her & literally just leaves her next to a jagged rock by the water. She is shell shocked. Her face is as white as a ghost except for her Rudolph red nose. She has gone into a catatonic state which I guess was Gods way of sedating her before she threw herself off the ledge, literally. Bracelet and Twin get back on the boat and just leave Mouth on the island by herself & her 9 personalities. My heart is breaking for her, but more importantly for myself. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO NOW?!? I HAVE TO WATCH THESE FUCKING PIECES OF CELERY FOR HOW MANY MORE WEEKS?! That just went our entire entertainment. It was all left on that Castaway fucking island. What are we going to do now? We are left with literally the most boring,whitest, people in the world.


Pillow in his Men's WearHouse suit stands on a cliff in a hurricane & looks out dramatically. I was praying for a tsunami that sadly never came.

We go to the 100 flowers rose ceremony & Michigan kindergarten teacher (the one who made out with the puppet) gets eliminated, she didn't even get to take home Little Ben as a consolation prize, as if this isn't sad enough, she now has to go back to being a kindergarten teacher in Michigan.

I light this prayer candle in honor of Olivia, our entertainment goddess. You were our Kelly Binsimone on Scary Island. To the best there ever was or ever will be, be free our big mouthed angel, I know you're in a better place, filled with deep & intellectual things. You will never be forgotten.