The Bachelor

Viva Las Puppets


It's really hard to write this recap because I am still reeling from the events of last night & when you experience such a visual trauma your initial state is shock. I will never be able to get the images of what happened in this episode out of my head & they will haunt me till I inevitably die during a plastic surgery operation.

It started like any normal day at the hideous Spanish style mansion & Chris Harrison comes in wearing a button down sweatshirt & announces the girls will be meeting Ben in Vegas-the reaction to this is reminiscent of Oprah's "My Favorite Things" episode where the women completely lose it as if Chris Harrison had told them that food no longer has calories.The reactions very from "OMG we get to go to VEGAS! I just really can't believe it!"-Really? Vegas is only like 5 hours away by car, to "I can't believe we're getting to go on a plane!"


This is VERY exciting for the slutty version of the twins from The Shining because they're from Vegas, so they get to go on a trip to where they live. Also very exciting for Lauren B (who? exactly.) because she's a flight attendant & gets to be on a plane! Again! I'm shocked they are even going on a plane when we could have fit everyone inside Olivia's Stephen Tyler sized mouth. The producers make all the girls go out & stand in a line on the balcony screaming "Viva Las Vegas!" like its an opening credit sequence for the Miss USA pageant. If I had been on that balcony I would have jumped.

Cut to Ben in a Burlington Coat Factory leather jacket driving a convertible at night down the Las Vegas strip, the producers are trying everything to make him look cool & instead he just looks like he bought the mid life crisis starter kit. The girls get to the strip & see one of the giant light up signs say "Ladies Welcome to Las Vegas, Can't wait to see you! Love, Ben" They scream as if they are being murdered, saying "I cant believe Ben pulled this off! This is the most incredible thing I've ever seen!" Girl, this sign was flashing an advertisement for an all you can eat buffet for $19.99 2 minutes before this, your expectations are even lower than your self esteem.

They get to the Aria Sky Suite (so the show has one other sponsor besides hot tubs) & Lauren H (who?exactly) She's the one with the terrible Michigan accent announces "I've never in my life been in a suite like this!" Yeah Lauren, that's because you're a kindergarten teacher in Michigan, the closest you've ever come to being in a suite in Vegas is watching the movie The Hangover. We have a one on one date card that Caila character shoes reads & she takes such a long pause you would think it was Maury announcing the results of a paternity test. After what seems like a 3 minute pause she finally fucking announces its Jo Jo (sadly not the singer.) The card says she makes him feel like his heart is on fire which brings her to tears because she's always wanted a guy to compare her to heartburn.

The next day we cut to the twins walking on the same treadmill & I'm glad they're staying in shape for their inevitable porn offer from Vivid. Ben wearing a polo as white as he is comes to get JoJo for the date & the look in Olivia's' eyes is "I should have cut her hair off in her sleep." After they leave unlikeable Cameron Diaz says "I want to spend every single moment with Ben all the time, she will never have what I have with him" which I assume is a restraining order.

Melba toast & JoJo are on the roof of the casino & he says "I think our ride is about to get here!" JoJo can't believe its a helicopter! Really JoJo? Not only can you hear it coming but you're on the top of a building! Did you think you were up there to do parkour? Also they use helicopters more than they use cars on this show. If possible JoJo is even dumber than her name. They make out while flying over the strip & sadly the man flying the helicopter wasn't a kamikaze pilot and we move on to the next group date.

Cut to JoJo & Ben in a suite with the token Bachelor date meal of uneaten Tuna steaks, wine & a million candles. JoJo opens up about how she has a lot of trust issues because her last guy she devoted herself to & was seeing other women. So she has a type. Potato says how she's funny,intelligent,exciting-so I guess opposites do attract. He says that him & the producers have one last surprise-fireworks! I doubt these are even his fireworks & he's just taking credit for the ones during the pirate show at The Mirage. The girls back at the suite see the fireworks & react as if they are bombs. I've seen dogs less upset about fireworks. One of the skanky Mary Kate & Ashley's say how jealous she is "I can't believe JoJo gets to see fireworks in MY city, I've never gotten to do that" so apparently she's never celebrated 4th Of July. Olivia says that she "can't handle thinking of her husband making out with another girl for her own sanity " as she uses her fat toes to paint "He's MINE!" in blood on the wall.

Ben tells the girls that we have a super fun date planned, we are going to a show! Is it Celine? No. Is it Britney? No. J Lo? No. Something even better. Terry Fator!!!!


Caila character shoes is as excited as if she just got the lead in Hairspray. She says how she loved watching Terry on TV & how she thinks he is the most hilarious person in the world(shocking she didn't say Ben) I said in an earlier recap that Cailia is the type of girl who thinks Big Bang Theory is the best show on TV but come to find out she has a more sophisticated taste, puppets.


Terry the ventriloquist "comedian" asks the girls "Who here has a talent?" no ones hand goes up. Terry you're ridiculous, not only are you an adult with bad hair plugs who plays with puppets, but you ask stupid questions-if they had a talent they WOULDN'T be on this show. Lauren B stands for basic flight attendant says "I'm panicking, I have no talent, no talent what so ever" so I guess they don't even let her do the seat belt demonstration before take off.


Terry announces that the girls will be his opening act & will have to perform a talent in front of his audience of 1,200 fanny pack wearing tourists.The girls get to pick costumes & props from a rack, including a hoola hoop, a chicken suit & a ribbon used for rhythmic gymnastics which is what I was praying Olivia was going to choose and her talent would be strangling the other contestants on stage. But no. She chose something better than me or the producers could ever dream of. A showgirls costume! Jubilee is going to play the cello because that girl can do everything, she's the black female version of Niel Patrick Harris, the twins are going to dance, the unknown beach wave blondes are going to do some other bullshit. But Olivia picked showgirl costume.My mind & heart started racing like I had just taken 5 adderall as I started praying she was going to do an homage to Noamie Malone from the greatest movie of all time.


Before the show starts Olivia is doing rambling reminiscent of Sonja Morgan from Real Housewives of New York about her "caborlesque" with a mix of Kim Richards' slurring. She starts giving us a backstage look at her moves & you can already tell this performance will go down in history, like Whitney Houston singing the National Anthem, instead it was like Whitney Houston taking a bath.

The show starts with the trailer park Taylor Swifts performing Irish dancing, when they said they were going to dance I naturally assumed it was going to be pole dancing, not river.


Jubilee comes to the stage in a Beyonce rehearsal outfit of a black crop top & jeans with a plaid shirt tied around her waist & she plays the cello as well as Ben plays the victim.


We then have Michigan kindergarten teacher fully dressed as chicken reciting Old McDonald, whats the most embarrassing part about that is she's reading it off an index card. How the fuck are you a Kindergarten teacher & you don't even know the words to Old McDonald?! The teaching system in this country has failed us. We then get to the last & certainly the worst, Olivia.


A giant cake is rolled out on stage by two PA's. She doesn't even pop out of it & instead opens the latch & crawls out. It would have been less painful watching Stephen Hawking get out of a cake. She twirls around in a cape that I assume she stole from a gay magician & starts manically kicking showing off those cankles that inspired so many blogs. She starts dancing like a drunk uncle at a wedding with her mouth open, literally she could have fit that cake inside her mouth-that would have been a better choice for her talent. Or bunny boiling. Or showing off her fat toes like she was a side show act in a Freak Show. Why didn't she go with any of her strengths?! Instead she chose what ever this is. A Las Vegas show hasn't gone this wrong since Roy Horn was mauled onstage by his tiger. Olivia then flails her way off the stage and shimmies into the audience, great! As if this wasn't bad enough ON stage, lets incorporate some crowd work. She goes up to Ben & he doesn't know what to do but to hug her, I don't know if its as much a hug as it is a physical straight jacket just to get her body to stop doing whatever this is.


Remember when Britney Spears had the meltdown with the umbrella? Well now we have Olivia with the gay magicians cape. She is hysterically crying asking the cameras to leave her alone. Uh Oh, hide the electric razors. "When I got off the stage he gave me a PITY HUG! That hug was so embarrassing!" So I guess she didn't see the rest of her performance. "I came here to be marriage material, & I don't think I screamed marriage material" Don't beat yourself up Olivia, at least you got the audience to scream with laughter. And horror. I do think she's marriage material, but for one of those serial killers who will never get out of prison.

We head from the "Talent" show to drinks by the pool & Ben brings the puppet of himself named "Little Ben" points for originality! So now we have two sets of twins because I can't tell Ben & the puppet apart because they both have the same personality & dead eyes.

Caila & Ben go off on their own & Caila says "I'm just going to go for it" which I imagine is what she says before each time she makes her own Build A Bear at the mall. Ben calls her a sex panther with absolutely no irony. This is the funniest thing he's ever said so maybe all that time with "comedian" Terry Fator is rubbing off on him.


Ben then takes Chicken Suit/ Old McDonald ruiner off and makes her direct all of her questions to the puppet,she does this, willingly. Forget Christian Grey, this is real sadism. The puppet asks her if they're going to sleep together, so it turns out Ben really is a perv but is to dorky to let it out so he only feels safe doing it behind the voice of a puppet.As if puppets couldn't get any creepier, Ben makes it happen, so maybe he is more talented than I thought. Chicken suit says "Little Ben is WAY bigger than I thought he would be, wink wink" watch out Terry, these two need their own comedy show at The Golden Nugget. Chicken suit then kisses the puppet & starts making out with Ben with the puppet between them like a weird Sesame Street three way. This date was brought to you by the letter "D" for disturbing.


400% is what what her valium dosage needs to be raised to

Olivia then "steals him for a second" & tells Ben how embarrassed she is & that she had a complete meltdown & Ben asks "about what?" She says how "I was going for sexy but trying to make it awkward because that's me" well, at least she nailed the awkward part. Ben says "I don't know what you're talking about, it was good..." Forget Leo, Ben deserves the Oscar for his acting . One of the twins "steals him for a second" And Olivia does a 5 minute monologue to the camera that just involved her going "What am I?.......What's Happen.....I don't......I'm so scared!!!!" & lots of heavy breathing. It's like a found footage horror film. Olivia then goes to steal him AGAIN. She interrupts to tell him how embarrassed she is & apologizes over & over again saying "This isn't me." No Olivia, this is exactly who you are. And we thank the reality TV Gods for it. Now close that mouth of yours because you're stealing the Grand Canyons thunder.

The next day Becca the virgin gets the one on one date & a wedding dress is delivered for her to wear. My biggest fear of a guy delivering a dress that I have to wear on a date is that it wouldn't fit. The gown fits but is a strapless which is the least flattering look on anyone, why is this style still allowed?! She meets Ben at one of those cheap little wedding chapels and he's standing at the altar, she's so excited because she thinks this is it! She's going to get married after 4 episodes which is ridiculous, you have to wait another 8 episodes to not be proposed to! Ben then goes down on one knee asking "Would you please do me the honor of marrying......other couples with me?" Oh that Ben!!! What a prankster! Ben got ordained like any other dork who has the internet and we see a bride with a terrible arm tattoo walk down the aisle to marry some Subway manager.


The next day the twins get a one on one date because the show is trying to save money on the hometown visits thing so they go on a date to their moms house. It's very obvious in the limo he can't tell them apart. Which they would feel the same way if he had "Little Ben" there. They get to their moms house & the mom looks just like a Vegas mom who would put their daughter in pageants,she has ripped True Religion jeans with giant white stitching,giant french tips,bleach blond hair dyed from a box & of course the token heart necklace.


He sits the twins down with the Vegas version of Regina George's mom & breaks up with the one named Hailey (I think Ben just did ennie meanie miney mo & that's how he came up with his decision) strong move breaking up with one of the sisters in front of the mom while taking the other sister back with him. Bold. Maybe that leather jacket really is working. I think other twin will be OK, even though her job title was just "Twin" she now has lots of time to help take her obese dachshunds for walks to help with their diabetes.

At the cocktail party Olivia does her umpteenth "Can I steal you for a second?" she is up to grand larceny at this point. The dancing didn't work out so now she does prop comedy, "I may not be good at popping out of a cake, but I am good at eating cake!" Oh boy. I don't know what more degrading thing she can do at this point besides a donkey show. Olivia then says "I know he can't say anything but I know our connection & I know what he's saying loud & clear." What he's saying is "I'm going to need to change my name & address."

I am rushing to write this recap because I am going to be late for my therapist appointment which I desperately need after watching this episode. It was less painful watching Jodie Foster in The Accused. Olivia gets a rose & now gets to stay another week. Lace left a big torch and now Olivia is going to use that torch to burn everything & everyone in that mansion to the ground. Please someone make sure the little horse from the first episode isn't in there when she does.

Tell me in the comments what you think is fatter-the dachshunds or Olivia's toes.