This week on Vanderpump Rules the gang that was allowed on Tom Sandoval & Jax's birthday trip (which is everyone except Kristen) go to Hawaii. I am disgusted by James Kennedy in every way which unfortunately I can no longer tell him the reasons why since he has blocked me on twitter. I can't believe the TSA won't let me bring on a 3.5 ounce shampoo but Ichabod Crane is allowed to wear a tank top on a plane? The laws in this country are bullshit.
They land & we already have seven "I got lei'd" puns before we even leave the baggage terminal. We also have the token Bravo phrase "I hope there's no drama on this trip." Back at the hotel Lala (yes a real adult is named that) is rooming with the token black server Faith (who is for some reason wearing a felt floppy fedora hat in the middle of summer on an island) Lala informs Faith that "DJ/busser" James tried to get her to join the mile high club. Apparently you don't have to worry about your plane going down because James is already trying to get LaLa to do that in the bathroom. Lala told us last episode that the only condoms she has are magnums & James couldn't fit into them, so James just acts like a giant dick instead of having one.
The whole group goes out to dinner including Lisa's son Max who apparently had some tooth surgery and can't feel his mouth. Not like we would know the difference I feel like we've heard Hanky Lisa's sick swan speak more than him (also this show has a lot of dental surgery problems as every season Scheana has some tooth emergency/breakdown, I don't know what SUR's health insurance policy is but they need to step up the dental.)
Tom Sandoval stands up & announces he has lots of activities planned for the trip and that "I did a lot of research & I found out hiking is really big in Hawaii" GROUNDBREAKING research, please someone get him his own Travel Channel show! Max & James announce they aren't going on the hike(no surprise there that the British ones are going to skip going out in the sun) which makes me sad because I was really hoping this episode would end with James falling into a volcano.
Hula dancers come out & I'm shocked they aren't telling Peter to get back to work because he looks like a pirate that should be going around taking pictures with tourists for a dollar. After the dance Tom Sandoval akaBuzz Kill stands up & announces "We just got our hawaiian cherry popped!" scratch Travel Channel, Comedy Central. Ariana gives an awkward speech announcing how at the dinner we have two birthday boys-Yes Ariana we're aware, that's the reason we're on this whole fucking trip to begin with. During the dinner James is trying to kiss Lala as she pulls back so he is literally just pushing his face against her face like its a sliding glass door. Maybe Lala should invest in a rape whistle instead of another pair of hoop earrings big enough for James to use as belt (certainly not a cock ring.)
Jax looks miserable (that's Ariana's signature look Jax find your own!) and he says "I do wish some other people were here" **meaning Kristen "And I feel that there are some people who are here who shouldn't be" **Obviously LaLa & manorexic James
(Jessica Alba from Honey) AKA LaLa : "Whose not supposed to be here?"
Jax :"I don't want to get into it"
Lala: (who is now standing up) THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BRING IT UP?!
Jax: Control your lady down there!
I'm a Jax fan but I thought that was wrong, Lala isn't a lady.
Now James steps up and gives this intimidating response "He isn't man enough to say something instead he gives you the ice cream sundae with out the cherry on top" Of course James' "comeback" would involve ice-cream because he is literally a child & I wish Casey Anthony was his mother. James storms off & leaves the table to go have his real dinner which is a cigarette.
After dinner they all go to a lounge where James is talking Max's poor ear off about how the reason Jax doesn't like him is because he's jealous of everything he has going on right now. James all you have going on right now is a bussing shift of organizing silverware & a Macbook with stickers on it that says "DJ JAMES". Not even those homeless teens Lisa brought in for a charity lunch last episode are jealous of you.
On the other side of the lounge Mr & Mrs. Debbie Downer (Tom & Ariana) confront Scheana about the texts between her & Ariana's mom. Ariana says that she made her mother send her screenshots of the entire conversation & that the texts said how Ariana's personality has changed (which shocked me because she doesn't have a personality TO be changed) Scheana tells Blonde Kristen Stewart how she's so negative and her response is "Yeah thats a good thing" ......... She's also mad that Scheana had texted that "Tom only cares about himself" which is not true, he also cares about his hair straightener. The whole time Ariana is attacking Scheana no one brought up the fact Arianas mother initiated these texts! So Ariana why aren't you monotone complaining to her instead?
Tom is furious & says "You have never had someone do this to you! You've never had someone text about you!" He's right, he is literally the only person in the world who has ever been texted about, can you even imagine what he's going though right now?! He is so angry I thought he was going to pull a Hulk & rip his Ken Doll fluorescent hawaiian shirt right off, but we all know he would never ruin an outfit that he spent 2 hours putting together.
For some reason we cut to a shot of Lisa & Ken outside in their garden surrounded by a billion roses debating wether they should call James & ask if he can make sure mute Max takes his dental medication. Who would put James in charge of anything? He's barely qualified to press play on his macbook iTunes playlist let alone medication.
The next day we go on Tom's mandatory hike which to get into character he brought a map that looked as if Giggy had made it with a magic marker & also a giant Crocodile Dundee knife. We get to a gorgeous waterfall and the boys give us what no one asked for-all of them in speedos.
As soon as we get into the water Faith & Lala take their tops off & everyone awkwardly tries to ignore them as if they were a homeless person asking for change. Lala gives the best quote of the night which is "Let the titties out! That's my motto in life, it always been that way & its going to be that way even when I'm 80 it's just the way it is" I think it's really inspiring that she's not going to let age stop her stripping career.
Before we leave Ferngully, Brittany (Jax's sweet, southern bell girlfriend) confronts Lala about inappropriately flirting with Jax in such a calm & classy way that I had to check my clicker to make sure I was still on Bravo. Lala admits that they flirted & crossed the line but apologizes saying that she had no idea he had a girlfriend at the time because Jax never said anything. Jax jumps in with "Most of the time she was flirting with me she was drunk, oh & I definitely told her I had a girlfriend " they then cut to a montage of Jax telling her how he doesn't have a girlfriend. Brittany accepts her apology & I don't understand why we can't see Brittany's angel wings in her string bikini because this girl is a saint. Below is what happened-
Scheana,Shay & Katie didn't go on the hike because they stayed at the hotel & got drunk on the beach out of flasks that looked like sunscreen tubes because apparently you're not allowed to have alcohol on the beach #themoreyouknow cue Reading Rainbow star.
Hiker group,beach group & albino brit group unite for a group dinner & Lala is dressed like this, apparently she doesn't just show you her boobs, she can also show you your future. It's announced at dinner how they saw boobs today on the hike. Take that mother nature no one gives a shit about you when we got saline to look at! Katie says she's not happy about that & Lala is confused why Katie's upset.Katie says she doesn't think its appropriate to walk around other peoples boyfriends & finances while topless & Lala's response is "Its not like I shoved my nipple in someones mouth" as if this statement will settle the argument "If your man is with you & interested in you why does it matter? Lala than asks Arianna if she had a problem with her being topless & of course Arianna says no.
Arianna is the type of girl who says "I'd rather hang out with guys than girls, girls are too much drama!" The girl who pretends to be so cool & one of the guys that she's the one who suggests they go to a strip club because she's just so cool about it-yeah she's one of those .
Tom Hair straightener jumps in with "We were in speedos thats the same thing" -like your dick is big enough for everyone to see it through a speedo in cold water...mmhhhh.... Lala's then says "It's not like I showed my pussy!" OH!!! Well that makes it OK. No vagina lips,no problem.God Katie why are you such a prude.
Jax & Brittany are at the end of the table talking about how happy they are so of course boughetto Madame Cleo has to ruin this & she asks to talk to Brittany alone. She tells Brittany how she hoped Jax would admit in the jungle that he had come on to her,Brittany remains calmer than Giggy (who I believe is stuffed.) Lala than turns the blame on Brittany saying how she's tired of girls not being confident enough to have their boyfriends be around her. She then says this line
Fuck Honey Boo Boo,I give Brittany so much credit for not pulling a Bad Girls Club & ripping one of her door knocker earrings out. Brittany ask him if this really happened & Jax denies it, Lala freaks out & starts screaming for him to be honest & Brittany is still so freakishly calm that I suspect she took all the rest of Shays pills. Once again -
Did Jax flirt? Yes. Did Jax lie to both of them? Yes. But you still cant be mad at Jax. I mean he slept with his best friends girlfriend 2 seasons ago & you still weren't mad at him because everyones reaction was "Oh that Jax!" He's like a more roided out jock version of Joey Tribiani
This episode had so many cliff hangers & unanswered questions-
-DID MAX EVER TAKE HIS MEDICATION?!?!?!?!
-Is Faith pissed that literally no one cared that she showed her boobs? It wasn't mentioned once at dinner! This episode even aired on MLK day and I feel its important to remind everyone that #BlackBoobsMatter
-Did we leave Peter in the jungle? We haven't seen him the rest of the episode. If he was kidnapped by head hunters in the jungle for that sweet ponytail would anyone even notice? Or care?
You guys I know this was a long recap, it was the Bravo version of War & Peace so bless you for making it to the end. Tell me in the comments what you thought about this episode- would you be pissed if a girl walked around your man topless during the day for no reason? Does your mother text your friends about you? And of course tell me who you hate!