The Bachelor

The Bachelor

Viva Las Puppets


It's really hard to write this recap because I am still reeling from the events of last night & when you experience such a visual trauma your initial state is shock. I will never be able to get the images of what happened in this episode out of my head & they will haunt me till I inevitably die during a plastic surgery operation.

It started like any normal day at the hideous Spanish style mansion & Chris Harrison comes in wearing a button down sweatshirt & announces the girls will be meeting Ben in Vegas-the reaction to this is reminiscent of Oprah's "My Favorite Things" episode where the women completely lose it as if Chris Harrison had told them that food no longer has calories.The reactions very from "OMG we get to go to VEGAS! I just really can't believe it!"-Really? Vegas is only like 5 hours away by car, to "I can't believe we're getting to go on a plane!"


This is VERY exciting for the slutty version of the twins from The Shining because they're from Vegas, so they get to go on a trip to where they live. Also very exciting for Lauren B (who? exactly.) because she's a flight attendant & gets to be on a plane! Again! I'm shocked they are even going on a plane when we could have fit everyone inside Olivia's Stephen Tyler sized mouth. The producers make all the girls go out & stand in a line on the balcony screaming "Viva Las Vegas!" like its an opening credit sequence for the Miss USA pageant. If I had been on that balcony I would have jumped.

Cut to Ben in a Burlington Coat Factory leather jacket driving a convertible at night down the Las Vegas strip, the producers are trying everything to make him look cool & instead he just looks like he bought the mid life crisis starter kit. The girls get to the strip & see one of the giant light up signs say "Ladies Welcome to Las Vegas, Can't wait to see you! Love, Ben" They scream as if they are being murdered, saying "I cant believe Ben pulled this off! This is the most incredible thing I've ever seen!" Girl, this sign was flashing an advertisement for an all you can eat buffet for $19.99 2 minutes before this, your expectations are even lower than your self esteem.

They get to the Aria Sky Suite (so the show has one other sponsor besides hot tubs) & Lauren H (who?exactly) She's the one with the terrible Michigan accent announces "I've never in my life been in a suite like this!" Yeah Lauren, that's because you're a kindergarten teacher in Michigan, the closest you've ever come to being in a suite in Vegas is watching the movie The Hangover. We have a one on one date card that Caila character shoes reads & she takes such a long pause you would think it was Maury announcing the results of a paternity test. After what seems like a 3 minute pause she finally fucking announces its Jo Jo (sadly not the singer.) The card says she makes him feel like his heart is on fire which brings her to tears because she's always wanted a guy to compare her to heartburn.

The next day we cut to the twins walking on the same treadmill & I'm glad they're staying in shape for their inevitable porn offer from Vivid. Ben wearing a polo as white as he is comes to get JoJo for the date & the look in Olivia's' eyes is "I should have cut her hair off in her sleep." After they leave unlikeable Cameron Diaz says "I want to spend every single moment with Ben all the time, she will never have what I have with him" which I assume is a restraining order.

Melba toast & JoJo are on the roof of the casino & he says "I think our ride is about to get here!" JoJo can't believe its a helicopter! Really JoJo? Not only can you hear it coming but you're on the top of a building! Did you think you were up there to do parkour? Also they use helicopters more than they use cars on this show. If possible JoJo is even dumber than her name. They make out while flying over the strip & sadly the man flying the helicopter wasn't a kamikaze pilot and we move on to the next group date.

Cut to JoJo & Ben in a suite with the token Bachelor date meal of uneaten Tuna steaks, wine & a million candles. JoJo opens up about how she has a lot of trust issues because her last guy she devoted herself to & was seeing other women. So she has a type. Potato says how she's funny,intelligent,exciting-so I guess opposites do attract. He says that him & the producers have one last surprise-fireworks! I doubt these are even his fireworks & he's just taking credit for the ones during the pirate show at The Mirage. The girls back at the suite see the fireworks & react as if they are bombs. I've seen dogs less upset about fireworks. One of the skanky Mary Kate & Ashley's say how jealous she is "I can't believe JoJo gets to see fireworks in MY city, I've never gotten to do that" so apparently she's never celebrated 4th Of July. Olivia says that she "can't handle thinking of her husband making out with another girl for her own sanity " as she uses her fat toes to paint "He's MINE!" in blood on the wall.

Ben tells the girls that we have a super fun date planned, we are going to a show! Is it Celine? No. Is it Britney? No. J Lo? No. Something even better. Terry Fator!!!!


Caila character shoes is as excited as if she just got the lead in Hairspray. She says how she loved watching Terry on TV & how she thinks he is the most hilarious person in the world(shocking she didn't say Ben) I said in an earlier recap that Cailia is the type of girl who thinks Big Bang Theory is the best show on TV but come to find out she has a more sophisticated taste, puppets.


Terry the ventriloquist "comedian" asks the girls "Who here has a talent?" no ones hand goes up. Terry you're ridiculous, not only are you an adult with bad hair plugs who plays with puppets, but you ask stupid questions-if they had a talent they WOULDN'T be on this show. Lauren B stands for basic flight attendant says "I'm panicking, I have no talent, no talent what so ever" so I guess they don't even let her do the seat belt demonstration before take off.


Terry announces that the girls will be his opening act & will have to perform a talent in front of his audience of 1,200 fanny pack wearing tourists.The girls get to pick costumes & props from a rack, including a hoola hoop, a chicken suit & a ribbon used for rhythmic gymnastics which is what I was praying Olivia was going to choose and her talent would be strangling the other contestants on stage. But no. She chose something better than me or the producers could ever dream of. A showgirls costume! Jubilee is going to play the cello because that girl can do everything, she's the black female version of Niel Patrick Harris, the twins are going to dance, the unknown beach wave blondes are going to do some other bullshit. But Olivia picked showgirl costume.My mind & heart started racing like I had just taken 5 adderall as I started praying she was going to do an homage to Noamie Malone from the greatest movie of all time.


Before the show starts Olivia is doing rambling reminiscent of Sonja Morgan from Real Housewives of New York about her "caborlesque" with a mix of Kim Richards' slurring. She starts giving us a backstage look at her moves & you can already tell this performance will go down in history, like Whitney Houston singing the National Anthem, instead it was like Whitney Houston taking a bath.

The show starts with the trailer park Taylor Swifts performing Irish dancing, when they said they were going to dance I naturally assumed it was going to be pole dancing, not river.


Jubilee comes to the stage in a Beyonce rehearsal outfit of a black crop top & jeans with a plaid shirt tied around her waist & she plays the cello as well as Ben plays the victim.


We then have Michigan kindergarten teacher fully dressed as chicken reciting Old McDonald, whats the most embarrassing part about that is she's reading it off an index card. How the fuck are you a Kindergarten teacher & you don't even know the words to Old McDonald?! The teaching system in this country has failed us. We then get to the last & certainly the worst, Olivia.


A giant cake is rolled out on stage by two PA's. She doesn't even pop out of it & instead opens the latch & crawls out. It would have been less painful watching Stephen Hawking get out of a cake. She twirls around in a cape that I assume she stole from a gay magician & starts manically kicking showing off those cankles that inspired so many blogs. She starts dancing like a drunk uncle at a wedding with her mouth open, literally she could have fit that cake inside her mouth-that would have been a better choice for her talent. Or bunny boiling. Or showing off her fat toes like she was a side show act in a Freak Show. Why didn't she go with any of her strengths?! Instead she chose what ever this is. A Las Vegas show hasn't gone this wrong since Roy Horn was mauled onstage by his tiger. Olivia then flails her way off the stage and shimmies into the audience, great! As if this wasn't bad enough ON stage, lets incorporate some crowd work. She goes up to Ben & he doesn't know what to do but to hug her, I don't know if its as much a hug as it is a physical straight jacket just to get her body to stop doing whatever this is.


Remember when Britney Spears had the meltdown with the umbrella? Well now we have Olivia with the gay magicians cape. She is hysterically crying asking the cameras to leave her alone. Uh Oh, hide the electric razors. "When I got off the stage he gave me a PITY HUG! That hug was so embarrassing!" So I guess she didn't see the rest of her performance. "I came here to be marriage material, & I don't think I screamed marriage material" Don't beat yourself up Olivia, at least you got the audience to scream with laughter. And horror. I do think she's marriage material, but for one of those serial killers who will never get out of prison.

We head from the "Talent" show to drinks by the pool & Ben brings the puppet of himself named "Little Ben" points for originality! So now we have two sets of twins because I can't tell Ben & the puppet apart because they both have the same personality & dead eyes.

Caila & Ben go off on their own & Caila says "I'm just going to go for it" which I imagine is what she says before each time she makes her own Build A Bear at the mall. Ben calls her a sex panther with absolutely no irony. This is the funniest thing he's ever said so maybe all that time with "comedian" Terry Fator is rubbing off on him.


Ben then takes Chicken Suit/ Old McDonald ruiner off and makes her direct all of her questions to the puppet,she does this, willingly. Forget Christian Grey, this is real sadism. The puppet asks her if they're going to sleep together, so it turns out Ben really is a perv but is to dorky to let it out so he only feels safe doing it behind the voice of a puppet.As if puppets couldn't get any creepier, Ben makes it happen, so maybe he is more talented than I thought. Chicken suit says "Little Ben is WAY bigger than I thought he would be, wink wink" watch out Terry, these two need their own comedy show at The Golden Nugget. Chicken suit then kisses the puppet & starts making out with Ben with the puppet between them like a weird Sesame Street three way. This date was brought to you by the letter "D" for disturbing.


400% is what what her valium dosage needs to be raised to

Olivia then "steals him for a second" & tells Ben how embarrassed she is & that she had a complete meltdown & Ben asks "about what?" She says how "I was going for sexy but trying to make it awkward because that's me" well, at least she nailed the awkward part. Ben says "I don't know what you're talking about, it was good..." Forget Leo, Ben deserves the Oscar for his acting . One of the twins "steals him for a second" And Olivia does a 5 minute monologue to the camera that just involved her going "What am I?.......What's Happen.....I don't......I'm so scared!!!!" & lots of heavy breathing. It's like a found footage horror film. Olivia then goes to steal him AGAIN. She interrupts to tell him how embarrassed she is & apologizes over & over again saying "This isn't me." No Olivia, this is exactly who you are. And we thank the reality TV Gods for it. Now close that mouth of yours because you're stealing the Grand Canyons thunder.

The next day Becca the virgin gets the one on one date & a wedding dress is delivered for her to wear. My biggest fear of a guy delivering a dress that I have to wear on a date is that it wouldn't fit. The gown fits but is a strapless which is the least flattering look on anyone, why is this style still allowed?! She meets Ben at one of those cheap little wedding chapels and he's standing at the altar, she's so excited because she thinks this is it! She's going to get married after 4 episodes which is ridiculous, you have to wait another 8 episodes to not be proposed to! Ben then goes down on one knee asking "Would you please do me the honor of marrying......other couples with me?" Oh that Ben!!! What a prankster! Ben got ordained like any other dork who has the internet and we see a bride with a terrible arm tattoo walk down the aisle to marry some Subway manager.


The next day the twins get a one on one date because the show is trying to save money on the hometown visits thing so they go on a date to their moms house. It's very obvious in the limo he can't tell them apart. Which they would feel the same way if he had "Little Ben" there. They get to their moms house & the mom looks just like a Vegas mom who would put their daughter in pageants,she has ripped True Religion jeans with giant white stitching,giant french tips,bleach blond hair dyed from a box & of course the token heart necklace.


He sits the twins down with the Vegas version of Regina George's mom & breaks up with the one named Hailey (I think Ben just did ennie meanie miney mo & that's how he came up with his decision) strong move breaking up with one of the sisters in front of the mom while taking the other sister back with him. Bold. Maybe that leather jacket really is working. I think other twin will be OK, even though her job title was just "Twin" she now has lots of time to help take her obese dachshunds for walks to help with their diabetes.

At the cocktail party Olivia does her umpteenth "Can I steal you for a second?" she is up to grand larceny at this point. The dancing didn't work out so now she does prop comedy, "I may not be good at popping out of a cake, but I am good at eating cake!" Oh boy. I don't know what more degrading thing she can do at this point besides a donkey show. Olivia then says "I know he can't say anything but I know our connection & I know what he's saying loud & clear." What he's saying is "I'm going to need to change my name & address."

I am rushing to write this recap because I am going to be late for my therapist appointment which I desperately need after watching this episode. It was less painful watching Jodie Foster in The Accused. Olivia gets a rose & now gets to stay another week. Lace left a big torch and now Olivia is going to use that torch to burn everything & everyone in that mansion to the ground. Please someone make sure the little horse from the first episode isn't in there when she does.

Tell me in the comments what you think is fatter-the dachshunds or Olivia's toes.

The Bachelor

Hot Tubs, Death & Cankles



We start off this week with Lauren B. The B stands for basic because if she showed up at my door right now I still would have no idea who she was. She gets picked for the one on one date with potato & he takes her to a very exotic place-an airport! This must be very exciting for whats her name to go one a plane, since she's already a flight attendant. So he basically took her on a date to her job.

All I can stare at during the plane ride is his string HOPE bracelet that looks like something you would make during arts & crafts at a Christian youth camp. If I was on an airplane with a guy who had an inspiration bracelet on I would jump out and HOPE for the best. I was hoping this plane ride would end like Amelia Earhart's but instead it lands & we go to a completely open field with a hot tub in it... is The Bachelor sponsored by a hot tub company? Last episode the date was literally in a hot tub store & now this hot tub is in the middle of no where like a mirage. California is in a drought & apparently it's because all of our water is being used for Ben's terrible dates.


Back at the house Caila character shoes is crying, no not because she didn't get the part in her community theaters production of Guys & Dolls but because she loves Ben so much already and she can't handle that he is on a date with someone else. Caila seems like the type of girl who accidentally killed her pet bunny from hugging it too hard, while Olivia seems like the type of girl who would kill a bunny by boiling it like in Fatal Attraction.


Next we have the group date & all the girls show up in sneakers again.Uh Oh. It's another fucking physical challenge. The physical challenge dates combine my two biggest fears- exercising & natural lighting. How are women willing to do this for a man who wears a BRACELET!?! This week it's a soccer competition because Ben wants to see how well the girls all work together in a team. Is this the better looking version of sister wives? Is Ben planning on marrying 5 of them & moving to a ranch in Utah where he'll use them for cheap labour just to make his own line of shitty bracelets? Why do you want them to work well in a team this isn't Oceans' 11.


Two of the world champion female soccer players come to teach them & the girls all scream with excitement,none of them knew who these players were 10 minutes ago & are just doing what the producers told them which was "Scream really loud when the two lesbians come out!" I was really waiting for a Tonya Harding moment between Olivia & Lace which unfortunately never happened. There are more balls on the field than there are in Ben's pants.


Back at hotel Olivia starts rationalizing how even though she didn't get the safety rose she got something way better, Ben pushing off her leg when he stood up... It's not like he did morse code on her leg spelling out "I love you" he literally just stood up & she happened to be sitting next to him. She is reaching harder than Calia when she was trying to cut a lock of Ben's hair off to add to her altar of him. Someone tells Olivia the other girls are talking about her body & Olivia starts naming off her insecurities

"Is it my cankles" - No

"Is it my legs?- No

"What is it?" -"It's your toes..." She forgot to mention how the girls also said that Olivia has bad breath.


Jubilee aka chest tattoo gets the one on one date. She was in the army while the other girls haven't even been in a salvation army. The girls get mad when Jubilee tells Ben he's 20 minutes late.I'm with cherries jubilee why the fuck are men ever late? All you have to do is brush your teeth & put on a shirt (while I have to do CGI level makeup & contouring.) Anyway the helicopter shows up to take them on their date & Jubilee freaks out so clearly she wasn't in the air force. She's terrified of heights where I'd be more terrified of the helicopter blowing off my false eyelashes, oh also that bracelet.



I don't know what I'm more impressed with from Jubilee, the fact she went to Iraq or the the fact she was able to wear an all white outfit & get nothing on it. This outfit is giving me flashbacks of Britney Spears' "Sometimes" video & I'm not mad at it. They feed each other caviar which she immediately spits out & tells him that her favorite food is hot dogs which is probably the caviar of his home state of Indiana so maybe this will work out. They play shuffle board like a couple in an assisted living home in Boca Raton, Florida and he seems very down with this swirl. Surprisingly they get into a pool instead of a hot tub to make out. Jubilee has a killer body, a fun personality & instead of trying to figure out what her tattoos say I'm now trying to figure out why she's interested in this church faced dork.

The next day Ben comes in and announces to all the girls that he just learned that two people close to his family have died & he's having a very hard time, before he even finishes his sentence Fat Toes Cameron Daz pulls the signature line "Can I steal you for a minute?" She apparently remembers Will Ferrell's advice from Wedding Crashers "Grief is natures strongest aphrodisiac" and she makes her move.

They go sit down & you assume she is going to comfort him about losing two people close to him, instead she says quote "You know how everybody has things on their body they wish they could change? Mine is from the waist down, I hate my legs! People have written blogs that I have cankles (bursts into tears) I try to be so strong but it's the scariest thing in the world"

Ben I know two people just died but Olivia's cankles are here now, so lets try to focus on the real tragedy! I'm also fascinated to know who wrote these blogs about Olivia's cankles & where can I follow them?

This is all I could find for us, old picture same cankles


Jubilee consoles Ben by giving him a massage on the massage table that's conveniently already set up in the gazebo & the girls freak out as if he's at one of those happy ending salons. I'm starting to get concerned that Lace has been suspiciously quiet this whole episode & I'm afraid Olivia has slipped sleeping pills in her chardonnay. The house has completely shunned Jubilee as if SHE'S the one with cankles. It's not fair that she's being treated like this when her legs are completely normal looking.


Finally my queen Lace emerges (I was starting to get concerned that Olivia & Caila had tied her up in one of the hundred closets in this hideous Spanish style mansion) Lace "steals him for a minute" she starts crying & tells him she has to leave because she needs to go home and work on herself. She leaves but not before quoting the immortal words of Rupaul "If you can't love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?"


We had 3 deaths in this episode, Ben's two friends & Lace. I feel like the lights have gone out in the mansion. What are we even watching now besides the prequel of the eventual Snapped episode Olivia will be on. Lace was the greatest there ever was or will be and so now I light this prayer candle in honor of her. Please leave your condolences for Lace in the comments or if you have any intel on Olivia foot blogs.


The Bachelor

Not so glory days with Ben


This week on "The Bachelor producers stage a wacky date" they get to go to Ben's favorite place- a school. You can tell Ben is one of those "Glory Days" guys, and probably a glory hole guy as well but that's another post. I could already tell this date was a red flag when I saw all the girls wearing sneakers- that's never a good sign because it means it's going to be some bullshit physical challenge like they're on fucking Double Dare having to find an orange flag under a giant pizza. If I was one of the girls and I saw the date envelope said to wear sneakers I would automatically volunteer to go home right then & there.

They meet in a high school where Chris Harrison is dressed like Seymour from Little Shop of Horrors & Ben gets to say the line he's been waiting to say since he said it last episode "I was on the basketball team and football team." The winner of the challenge gets to be his homecoming queen, I'm still bitter about when I lost homecoming queen so this was extra painful for me to watch. The girls have to do a science experiment where they have to figure out the perfect ingredients for a relationship to make Ben's love volcano explode… subtle! The girls who didn't get their volcanoes to a chemical happy ending were eliminated.


Next we move to the cafeteria where he makes the girls bob for red apples bc quote "red apples for the color of my heart" red would have been the color my eyes would be turning if you were making me dunk my head in a tank of water & ruin my hair and makeup on national TV. Once getting the apples they then have to pass it to another girl with their mouth, this is the closest some of the girls have gotten to a kiss at all since being in the house. Next he makes them do a geography challenge of placing his shitty home state of Indiana on a map, because everyone knows Cosmo magazine's always saying the number one turn on for a guy is when a girl knows her way around a map. In gym class, they have to shoot free throws because in Indiana, everyone is a hoosier or something. I don't even know what that means but I know it's something I never want to be. For the final physical challenge (seriously they're competing to marry a guy not to win the Olympics) they have to do a foot race where they literally make them jump over hurdles to win a date with him. Mandi the one who wore the giant rose on her head the first night & who sort of looks like a melty Heather Grahm wins and gets to ride off in a car with a tiara as his high school prom queen. eeeek.


One of my least favorite girls got the one on one date which is Caila, she's the crazy one who broke up with her boyfriend after WATCHING Ben on The Bachelorette & falling in love with him on the show, totally normal! I didn't like her as soon as she exited the limo and went into a dead run at Ben & jumped into his arms saying "Thank you for catching me!" Like WTF else was he going to do when you're running at him? Did you think he was just going to step to the side & have you go into the fountain or were you planning on him showing off those sweet old football moves & pulling a Heisman? Caila is the type of girl who looks like she thinks The Big Bang Theory is hilarious & would be super excited to get a Build A Bear as a gift. Before the date starts Chris Harrison announces he has some "good friends stopping by to join you for your date" in walks Kevin Heart & Ice Cube-these are not Chris Harrison's "good friends" they are people forced to promote their new movie Ride Along 2 & in this moment you realize Kevin Heart is the black Lisa Rinna & will literally do anything for a paycheck. This was one of the most awkward car rides I've ever seen and you can see on Ice Cubes face that he would almost rather go back to being harassed by the police in Compton than have to sit with the whitest most boring would be couple ever.


The wacky date this time is a hot tub, but a hot tub in doors!! HILARIOUS! This is probably the craziest thing Caila's ever done besides dumping someone for a character on TV she had never met. After the hot tub Kevin Heart & Ice Cube are released from their contractionally obligated torture & the dullards continue their date at a dinner that had the charisma of a watching a PBS special while your paint is drying. Once again she is wearing her shoes that caused me distress the first night which are these


Why are you wearing character shoes? Are you in the community theater production of Thoroughly Modern Millie? Ugh. As if these aren't gag worthy enough she shad this quote "There’s no way he’s unlovable, no way snowball’s chance in you-know-where.” She can't even say the word hell, which is the perfect word to describe what her scenes are like to watch.


Group Date No. 2 was like watching torture porn. Ben made them come to a "Love Lab" which is totally a real thing & according to the actor they hired to put on a lab coat will use science to determine Ben’s perfect match. The girls all had to stand in a line while a blind folded Ben basically leaned in & smelled their shorts & then would announce out loud what they smelled like. Scratch the bobbing for apples thing, this is now my worst nightmare. Of course he announced that the producer's darling Olivia smelled fantastic & the poor lawyer girl from Florida with permanent hangover voice smelled "sour" and all the other girls snickered. You now know this poor girl is going to have a complex & spend the rest of her life drenched in Bath & Body Works perfume . Olivia of course wins again, I can't stand her, she is the unlikable Cameron Diaz with the mouth of Stephen Tyler.


Back at the house it literally becomes an "Interrupt Off" between all the girls where as soon as he starts a conversation with one almost immediately a new one pops in with the signature line "Hey sorry to interrupt but can I steal you for a second?" The rose ceremony happens & the only thing note worthy about that is Lace gets to stay another week, and not to brag but Lace liked one of my pictures on Instagram while I was watching the show, so see you guys The Secret really does work!

Talk to me, what do you guys think about this season? Who would you rather marry, Ben or the miniature horse from the first episode? Tell me in the comments, especially who your favorite & least favorite is, or just your least favorite because I'm a shady palm tree!

The Bachelor

My first Date with The Bachelor


I love TV. I am more excited to see I have a full DVR than I am to see anyone I know, I watch minimum 13 hours a day. I'm addicted to reality shows, from Real Housewives to Love & Hip Hop Atlanta, if there is a weave & a 4th tier gay man involved I am there. The only TV I don't watch (besides anything depressing or educational) is relationship shows-no "Say Yes to the off the rack David's Bridal dress" no "Marriage Bootcamp" nothing that involves marriage, dating or anything else that I don't have in my life. I have never watched The Bachelor because I had no interest in seeing dental hygienists in bandage dresses compete for some dork who has the personality of the soon to be dead roses he's holding. The closest thing I have ever come to watching the Bachelor is when I am forced to see them on "Dancing With The Stars" because since they're both ABC shows you know that if you're a contestant on Chris Harrison's puppet show, you'll eventually be covered in rhinestones doing the samba. DWTS is the ONLY reason I would ever want to be the Bachelorette because it's my dream job to get paid to be spray tanned & lose weight while learning to argentine tango from a mormon-did you know that BYU the holy grail of mormon universities has the best ballroom dancing program in the world? #themoreyouknow cue reading rainbow shooting star!

So after missing the first 19 seasons of The Boring White Potato looking for "love" I have finally given in because well, Stassi Schroeder told me to. I had so many questions watching the first episode:


1)Why is no one concerned that the first hobby Ben mentioned was "Whenever I'm back home I love going to my kindergarden & seeing my old teachers." Lets say that these poor souls are still having to teach because they haven't gotten tenure yet, I can barley remember Ben after watching him during THIS show, do you think they remember a snot filled kid from 17 years ago who is now a single man hanging around a school with small children? I guess this is allowed & looked at as endearing by some women watching because they find him attractive, if he looked like Steve Buscemi and was visiting a school  the authorities would be called.


2) The props. This episode had more props than a Carrot Top show. Every girl had some pun and/or prop as their opening line to him, sadly none of their props were a mirror for them to take a hard look at themselves & what they were doing.


3) Shushanna-The Russian want to be mail order bride who had to be subtitled every time she spoke & who I suspect is here working as a "mathematician" on a Visa. She only spoke Russian to him which he just smiled & pretended to understand. No offense to anyone in Russia reading this but since it's probably just my mom in South Carolina I don't care- Russian is one of the grossest sounding languages ever only second to German. How she managed to get a rose is beyond me, can you honestly see Ben Wonderbread going to Russia to share a bowl of borsht with her family? The only trips Ben has probably been on before this show paid for them was at best a Carnival Cruise.


4) Lace the realtor from Denver-She is clearly the breakout/only star of this show. I want to fly to Denver & have her show me a house I have no intention of buying just to meet her.  She looks like the love child of Parker Posey & Sarah Silverman with the determination & hunger of a lion. She has more personalities than any of the other women in the house combined. I don't know what I love more from this goddess-from her tricking him into closing his eyes so she could kiss him without his consent or her dress that reminded me of Helen's dress from "Bridesmaids"


To her reprimanding him for not giving her enough eye contact during the rose ceremony. Most girls lie & pretend not to be crazy in order to trick a guy into falling in love with them and then let their true crazy out, she does it in opposite order and it worked! Ben didn't even take back the rose he had just given to her, he apologized. Further proof men really do like the dominatrix thing.All of the women drink the Kool Aid or in this case champagne and all confess their love for Mr.Melba toast, who individually they've spent maybe 8 minutes with. I have second hand embarrassment for everyone involved but will be watching this entire season for Lace who I'm currently trying to find which real estate office she works for so I can send her not just one rose but a full bouquet because that's what this queen deserves.