The Bachelor

The Bachelor

Plain Cheeseburger In Paradise

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Well Kittens, after 507 hours of our lives having to sit here & watch Oatmeal & a bunch of product placement for various 3 star hotel destinations, it's finally here! The finale that no one has been waiting for- Bracelet is finally going to add a ring to his accessory collection.

We open with Kris Jenner’s friend Chris Harrison sitting with a live studio audience of excited soccer moms who missed out on getting to be a part of Oprah's audience so this is the second best thing. Chris says how this is the first time in White Bland Man with a Rose history that the bachelor has ever said "I love you" to two girls. Since last week Potato said that he would marry the girl next week if he could, they have flown both families & have them backstage as well as Pillow’s hometown pastor from Pawnee. Cut to backstage as we see a pastor pretending to read the bible and fake write notes on a yellow legal pad, BARF. If this is the same pastor who picked the scripture that Pillow got that terrible tattoo of, than he should be fired.

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Chris Harrison says if everything goes according to plan then he will be married live on this stage before the night is over & then we pan over to wedding archway that looks like they stole it from the local high school drama club set. Did we spend too much money flying out the families’ first class? Or did the archway budget get spent on all the wine JoJo's mom aka Mamma Elsa's twin drink? Get it together Bachelor.

So now we get to start the viewing party, the audience goes wild, while I fall asleep in my makeup petting my cat, which is why I'm watching this & writing it the day after.

We have pretty much the exact same scene twice; just one is a much hotter version. Both girls-Lauren Basic & JoJo Isla Fisher are walking around the Sandals resort in top knots & Forever 21 jorts talking about how this is the moment their lives have been changed forever & they can't imagine ever feeling this way about another man. Lauren Basic is still walking around like she has diaper rash, or she is just sore from that 6 1/2 minutes of missionary with Marshmallow in the Sandals fantasy suite.

We have lots of cut-a-ways to Bracelet walking around in shorts & mandals (barf) as if Churchface couldn't get any less attractive to me. I'm literally counting down the seconds till I see him in those footie toe runner socks. The producers are going for him looking torn & confused, to me he just looks like he's doing a diarrhea commercial in a tropical setting trying to find the nearest bathroom.

He's saying that he can't imagine saying goodbye to either of these women because he loves both of them. But how is he supposed to propose to one when he is in love with someone else & what if he makes a mistake & chooses the wrong one. Well thankfully that's what they have divorce for! Plus, there are always affairs! I'm kidding, but not really.

Bracelet goes to meet his parents at a near by vacation villa & he's wearing a polo that is even whiter than he is so its hard to tell where he ends & the shirt begins. He tells his mom who looks like the teacher who would never give you a late pass that he's in love with two women. The look on her face is the same as if he told her he just ran over the mailbox, she just purses her lips and looks off at the husband like "ugh, I guess we have to deal with THIS now, just great, another thing on top of my day!"

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In her confessional she says quote " *eye roll & deep sigh* First of all it's really disturbing to me."

-I'm really mad they cut her off because I wanted to hear what her second & third things were!

Lauren Basic pulls up & gets out holding a bouquet that looks like she stole it from the front desk lobby of the Sandals check-in desk, when they weren't looking & brings a bottle of wine. Umm you're not meeting JoJo's mom, plus I'm pretty sure Bachelor has your alcohol covered since they have on the last 79 dates you have had on this show, you have always miraculously had alcohol. Even in that abandoned field that miraculously had a hot tub in the middle of it with no electrical outlets for miles; there was a bubbling hot tub & bubbling champagne. But sure, have the producer’s hand you wine to bring to make it look like you are a regular girl on a regular "Meet the Parents" date. Totally casual. And I see you finally changed out of your Britney Spears ala 2007 Kevin Federline shorts & had the producers pick up some Neosporin when they got that Boone’s Farm bottle, because you seem to be walking much better.

Bracelet & Lauren Basic sit on the couch and the whole time they're talking to his parents he doesn't take his hand from rubbing her lower back, as if he's rubbing massage oil into a lower back tattoo. Remember what I told you about him being an undercover octopus? Don't let that Pillow face fool you he is a secret perv, all boring church guys are. I don't even want to know where that bracelet has been.

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Looking at his dad just confirms my suspicions that Ben is Peter Brady's son. Basic & Mom go outside & what I think was originally just his mother reaching for her much needed glass of wine, Lauren mistook for her wanting to hold hands, so she held his moms hand the whole time. Completely normal to do the first time you're meeting & talking to your boyfriend’s mother. Almost as normal as meeting your boyfriend & competing for his affection against 29 other women on national television. His mother tells her "Ben can be pretty intense, he can get pretty worked up about things," this is as hard to believe as Ben Carson being involved in that knife fight. I just can't picture him angry, intimidating, or even sending back food at a restaurant, even if it wasn't what he ordered.

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The next day is JoJo's turn to tap dance in front of the WASPS that produced this completely average Marshmallow that you could meet at any Chili’s bar across America. She shows up with a conch shell full of flowers, so obviously some PA got lazy & went to whatever gift shop was closest. Oh what the hell, she's the second date so we already know how this is going to end up, so there's a $13 spending cap.

We have déjà vu talking to his parents with almost the same conversation (minus the lower back rubbing). Just the same "From the minute she stepped out of the limo bla bla bla," "helicopter ride bla bla bla," "We have such a connection I haven't felt with anyone else" - he forgot to add the part "besides with the girl I brought here yesterday who I said the exact same things about who also held my moms hand for 2 hours no big deal."

On JoJo's one-on-one with the mom there was no sweaty hand holding, which is sad for the mom because that’s the closest she’s ever going to come to a Cartier bracelet. They did talk about how Pillow told his parents how safe he feels with JoJo & how she feels the same way (Remember how she's the one who always sounds like a war camp refugee about not feeling safe, I have a guard up, I cant let my guard down, I have a tortured past). I give JoJo a lot of credit, I wouldn't feel safe about the outfit she chose to go meet his parents, yeah it's cute- but a silk floral dress outside with no bra in the wind & it's a string tie back? Just like that Instagram quote I saw once, “You're braver than you think & stronger than you know.”

After she leaves, he goes back in to hopefully have his parents give him the answer on which girl he should marry, like its deciding what restaurant to order dinner from because he just can't decide what he feels like, he's split down the middle! The parents both say the same polite, rehearsed non-answers Bracelet has been saying about them this whole season "they're both so great, I don't know how you'll choose!" Does anyone have an opinion in this family besides about which city & high school football team is the best?

His mom says in her confessional that she's worried that her son, "I hate that at this point he doesn’t know who to plant his stake with.” 1) That's a horrible expression. 2) He already planted his stake last week with 3 girls in the fantasy suites.

We go on our last one-on-one dates & this seems like our 7th boat date of the season. Seriously he could have become a licensed captain by now, he probably knows more about boating at this point than software sales. I can see why Potato likes Lauren Basic so much, not just because her favorite food is butter so they naturally go perfect together, but because all their dates are just spent with their faces touching, staring at each other & her telling her how much she loves him & how wonderful she is. She is a blonde affirmation mirror "You're perfect," "You're so lovable," "You're so handsome," shocking a man would fall in love with a girl who just thinks he's wonderful, wants to talk about him all the time, & love his parents & his shithole town. Then Pillow starts talking about he's worried because things are SO perfect & that he's afraid things are to good to be true. Ughhh he literally finds something to whine about with every girl. He says how he knows what it's like during hard times with JoJo. Bummer you don't have two brothers who want to kill him, Lauren.

Pillow & his family just rave about how elegant & well-spoken Lauren is. She's nice, but her voice never goes above the volume or speed of the NPR women of the "Schwetty Balls Sketch,” I have never heard her say a sentence longer than 8 words. She mostly just sits there staring at Marshmallow's blank eyes and then puts his head on her shoulder like he's a baby as he nuzzles her. Barf. I wouldn't really say it's elegant, I think the word you're looking for is submissive in which case, yes I absolutely agree.

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The next day is JoJo's date & it's pretty much the exact same one she went on last week with the waterfall, except this time there’s a rope swing. I like that producers know that JoJo's looks & Sofía Vergara-esque body type lend themselves more to bouncing & Lauren Basic’s flat boyish figure is good for sitting on boats. JoJo's favorite word is afraid, her 2nd is babe- which she calls him every 5 seconds. They make out in the water & he seems way more passionate with JoJo than he does with Basic. He acts like JoJo is his sexy secretary he has at his "software job" whatever the fuck that is & how he kisses Basic is like it's his wife he's had for years & already have 3 kids together.

JoJo seems super confident about how things are going till she asks him "So you are feeling good about things?" "That’s a loaded question,” Ben says. Uh Oh. Yesterday when Basic asked that same thing you answered, "Great!" The lack of excitement in Bracelet’s voice is making JoJo nervous & she says, "I'm starting to wonder about what's going on his head & what he's having second thoughts about." Yeah I can't imagine what else is going on; maybe he has a big PowerPoint due at work.

Later that night he comes to her room & she says how today made her so nervous & she asks him if he knows who he's in love with more. He says he honestly has no idea but what he does know is that in 2 months she has become his best friend. JoJo that isn't saying much, the only friends he has are the underprivileged children at that youth center.

They go sit in the bathroom & close the door but still have their mic packs on. One thing I don't understand about all reality shows is why all the people think magically running to the bathroom & shutting the door makes them think that they are safe. Nope, your mics don't shut off within 3 ft of a toilet, we still hear you, and now you're subtitled so it's even clearer.

Ben yet again tells JoJo he’s in love with her and how hard this all is, but JoJo then forces him to admit that he told Lauren he loves her too. She starts quietly sobbing & I wish I knew if her mascara was running. I feel bad for JoJo because she honestly thought she was the only one he broke the shows rules for by telling her he loved her. “I feel like I always have to compete with other people. I’m so tired of competing,” as much as I love her & think she is way out of his league (because she is) girl, it's a show about competing. Even though I can't imagine how tiresome competing for that bowl of sugarless oatmeal for 2 months would be.

After he leaves he's red & crying like he's the one about to be broken up with on national TV. “I’m lost…I’m a lost man right now. Emotionally, I’m lost. In terms of what to do, I’m lost. I’m lost.” Jesus Christ, get your youth fellowship leader compass out.

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Do you know how hard it is to find someone I barely hate to go on a date with? Let alone want to be in a relationship with? And you're telling me you have found two people you're in love with completely equally down the middle 50%? I just can't.

The next day we meet with corporate sponsor/ Bachelor jeweler Neil Lane. He opens up a brief case of rings & it goes like this-

NL: So what is she like, is she vivacious, what do you feel about her?

Potato: Uuummmm......(long pause, looks off into distance avoiding eye contact like he's forgotten what their names are)

NL: You've chosen someone?

Potato: (Blank stare & awkward mouth twitch like when the cashier asks if you want to donate a dollar to a charity)

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He just keeps doing heavy Lamaze breathing at the rings like he's 5 inches dilated. I think he's just looking at the rings going "eeny meeny miny moe" because the tactic, when he woke up with his magic 8 ball popped up "ask again later," didn't help. I'm surprised he even picks a ring because I expected him to propose with his high school class ring. Instead he picks this- honestly I think a ring pop is more attractive than this, hell I would rather a ring worm than this shit on my finger.

The girls put on their gowns & JoJo is giving us that Texas pageant realness. Her gown is a great color, cut, beaded, her tan & boobs are perfection, and Laurens is just blue. They get into their separate helicopters & Bracelet stands there in the middle of a little stream and bridge like it's the front of a Benihana’s. “A woman I love is gonna arrive here and I’m gonna break her heart.” You're right, YOU ARE UNLOVABLE.

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She gets out of the helicopter escorted across the grass by Chris Harrison who is doing his 10 minutes of work- I give her credit for looking so graceful walking across grass in heels, in a gown when you think you're about to be proposed to or be broken up with on national TV. Either the best or worst thing in your life is about to happen in front of everyone & you have to focus on not falling. OMG the pressure, I would have a breakdown. She walks up to him & starts “from the moment I met you, you instantly intrigued me. You have continued to blow me away-" she goes on for 2 minutes about how in love she is with him & how wonderful he is and how much their time together has meant to her. At no point around the 45-second mark did you think it would be a good time to have her wrap the speech up like they do at the Oscars? Especially because you're about to dump her & discredit everything she just said? No? Ok cool.

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-How could you not tell even before the helicopter landed just by the look on his face?!-

JoJo, girl. How did you not the see the look on his face while you walked up this 75 foot tiny little Benihana bridge? He has the worst poker face ever, you should have seen this was not the face of a Potato about to be engaged, you should have walked up & said "My brothers are going to burry you on our 100 acre property & I love them too much for them to go to jail so this is over" & get in the helicopter & ride off like that terrible Natalie Portman Dior perfume commercial? Quit before you're fired!!!

You can see when he opens his mouth & starts talking she knows it's over. “I didn’t know if I could find love. I found it with you…but I found it with somebody else more.” Her heart is broken & she's more upset that he blind-sided her & is confused. He keeps holding her hand & saying that he is still in love with her and she keeps trying to lean back & pull her hand away and he holds onto it like its Lauren B & his Mom.

He asks her if he can walk her out- once again why doesn't any girl say, "Fuck no Bracelet." He keeps telling her how he's so in love her & she's his best friend & how in any other time he would choose her because she's perfect. She tells him that she trusted him & he shouldn't have told her those things if he was going to do this & that this wasn't right for him to do. Once again Pillow is a SEEMINGLY nice guy, which I think is even worse than outright bad guys. Because at least with bad guys you know what you're getting into & they don't make any promises, with seemingly good guys it's always worse because it comes out of nowhere so you didn't have time to prepare & book therapy appointments in advance.

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Pillow is crying (barf). I know I've said this before but seeing a grown man cry makes my vagina shrivel up & die. I'm Italian & very emotional but the only time I want to see the guy I'm dating cry is when there is the death of an immediate family member (obviously that includes pets) but those are the only times it acceptable.

He's crying about how JoJo is too good for him, well at least he's right about something. He walks around long enough for the makeup department to come redo his powder from him crying & give him eye drops to make him look refreshed & happy as if he's bipolar & the last gut-wrenching scene never happened at all! JoJo who?

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-He has a woman's butt-

He gets an iPhone & calls Basics dad & asks for his permission to propose to his daughter. He gives a victory woo-hoo dance, which is probably the same one he used to do when he scored a touch down.

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Basic goes up the bridge & tells Oatmeal that their first kiss is the last first kiss she wants to have- which is a line from the Will Smith movie Hitch. She then says how he's "Her person" Which is from Grey's Anatomy. (She's said this a couple times, I wonder if she originally said "You're my lobster- which is from Friends but they made her change it since Grey’s Anatomy is an ABC show). So Basic is just talking in all movie & TV quotes, I'm waiting for her to say "You complete me" & "I want you to draw me like one of your French girls."

He tells her he wants to wake up everyday & kiss her face & love her & "kiss her a lot." Well that’s good, because that’s pretty much all you have done on your dates. You & JoJo actually talked & kissed. You & Basic just looked at each other & kissed. He gets down on one knee & proposes and she says "oh god" which is what I would say too after I saw that ring. Not in a good way. They just say back & forth to each other "You're my person.” The only conversation these two do have is echoing things back to each other like parrots. Staring, kissing ,echoing ,repeat.

Potato: It feels good

Butter: It feels really good

Potato: Really Good

Butter: We're engaged

Potato: Were engaged

He picks her up & carries her in his arms to the helicopter & I'm sure they fly over JoJo's limo, as she sobs inside.

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The now go to the live after show & we bring Bracelet out first & hear him say the same thing we heard him talk about for the last 2 hours. He says how he came down to the decision of figuring out whom to choose by picking the girl he absolutely couldn't picture living his life without. Well I'm glad he feels that way, because the last 2 episodes he was still "I can't decide, I can't picture my life without both of these women with me, equally, both of them."

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Then we bring JoJo out who looks amah-zing! She is wearing a fabulous dress that has a perfect cleavage window that I don't think her brothers would be that happy about. I love that this whole season JoJo really nailed classy/sexy. Meanwhile Potato is wearing a plaid ill-fitting suit from Burlington Coat Factory, a checkered shirt & a striped tie. He is the most indecisive person on the planet, you only got to propose to one woman, but there's no contractional limit to how many patterns you can wear on TV- so fuck it, I'm going to do it all!

They both say how watching it is surreal & brings back so many memories, Helen Keller knows this. Can we cut to something we don't know or haven't seen? Like JoJo’s mom drinking from the bottle the minute her daughter was broken up with on national TV or her brothers’ reaction watching him make out with their sister under the waterfall?

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Chris Harrison announces the new Bachelorette & the Internet was wrong & it's not Character Shoes Caila, it's Jojo! THANK YOU BABY JESUS!!!!!!! The audience goes crazy & Bracelet stands up & claps but doesn't seem very pleased. He has a look on his face that says, "Just because I don't want to play with that toy anymore doesn't mean I want other kids to be able to play with it."

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-JoJo this mortifying limo entrance the producers forced upon you was fitting because you were the only unicorn in the group & I hope you find your non bracelet wearing stallion on The Bachelorette-

We send JoJo back & now it's Basics turn to come out on stage to be with Bracelet. She is wearing white lace & Chris Harrison keeps teasing that they could be getting married live, as they keep cutting to his pastor backstage as he fake reads a bible.

Chris Harrison asks if they'll have the wedding live here because ABC really wants to save some money instead of having to pay for a whole production. He gets up & hugs his pastor, he then grabs Basic makes her stand up, makes her whole family come out, & re-proposes with the same hideous ring. UGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGUGHUGH

And now at home in life size playhouse Character Shoes is stabbing her JoJo & Basic voodoo dolls for taking her chance to be Mrs. Higgins & the next Bachelorette.

Well Kittens, it's been a long, not very bumpy, scenic or exciting ride. At least one thing was consistent the whole season, even up to the proposal-his terrible taste in jewelry.

I was a Bachelor virgin, this was my first season & like everyone’s first time-it was painful, awkward & I hope I never see that guy again in my life.

I love you, I love you, I love you for reading. You're my person. XOXO

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-Pillow you can run but you can never hide from JoJo's brothers-

The Bachelor

The Women Yell All

We open the show with the lamest party crashing tour I've ever seen, Chris & Bracelet (the Producers) decided it would be great to go around to all the Bachelor Nation viewing parties that have absolutely no idea they're coming- but magically have all their doors unlocked & they all have makeup & clothes on, conveniently none of the parties were just of one woman watching it in her period sweatpants with a full bottle of wine & lean cuisine pizza. Bracelet who is wearing his pleather jacket keeps saying, "OMG this is crazy! I can't believe we are about to do this!" Um, it's not a burglary. Although, you have stolen over 26 hours of our time. They are in a giant party bus even though it's just the two of them when they seem like they would be much more comfortable driving around in a Toyota Yaris.

The fans react to Bracelet & Chris Harrison walking in like its Beyoncé holding a Publishers Clearing House Check. He's a high school quarterback "software" salesman that we know NOTHING about besides those two things & that he is obsessed with his Pawnee hometown. And, the most exciting thing about Chris Harrison is that he's friends with Kris Jenner!

They walk into one viewing party of fat Middle America moms from some square state armpit of this country & a toddler is wearing this god-awful puffy paint onesie that is off center. Mrs. Higgins? It could happen, she's only 20 years younger than a few of the other contestants this season.

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. Sadly, this outfit is still better than some we have seen this season. This mom is the same woman who said she got into the Bachelor because it was her husband’s favorite show & how he loves to have his own Bachelor Fantasy League because "He says it's so much better than football!" Oh honey. Why didn't you let your clearly homosexual husband design the onesie instead?!

Now in the studio we have 28 out of the 30 girls here & I don't know if it's because they have all taken out their extensions or watched more YouTube makeup tutorials but I don't recognize half of them- not like it matters the only ones we care about are Unlikable Cameron Diaz, Lace, Token Jubilee and.... yeah that’s the whole list. I wish they had cut these other 24 bandage dresses and just spent the whole time with those 3. The girl who we only knew as "Chicken Enthusiast" brought a chicken and held it like a clutch the whole time.

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-NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN YOU BEFORE! Everytime she spoke I wanted Damien to stand up & scream "She doesn't even go  here!"

Rachel (who? exactly) the one who was labeled "unemployed”, still has that same label. In the 2 months you couldn't have come up with a fake job to tell them!? Or to say you were an enthusiast of something!? C'mon Rach! I'm starting to see your lack of motivation to even come up with a good lie could be one of the major reasons you're unemployed.

They role a montage of all the "drama clips" from the season which was mostly just the other girls talking shit about Lace, Jubilee, & Olivia. See even the girls in the house knew they were the only ones exciting enough to talk about. As soon as it ends one of the girls who I swear is an audience member that they just put in the chair because one of the real contestants flight was delayed starts in on how she thought Olivia was going to be her best friend and then she felt like Olivia was more focused on just talking to Pillow- yeah because she's there to fake have a relationship with him not to collect more Facebook friends. Thankfully the chicken read our minds and interrupts this complete stranger we've never seen before by creating a distraction just to get her to stop talking. Thank you chicken! We saw more of you in this season than this whiney rando.

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We now move on to the Jubileeave her alone segment

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-I didn't realize we had 2 sets of twins on the show who apparently share a 1inch barrel curling iron-

These two girls who were speaking way too much for having so little air time this season & only making it to what, week 3 in Vegas? Yeah calm down Hot Miami Styles dresses.

They have a huge problem that Jubilee called herself 100% black when these two are only 50% black. I don't get it, that's fact.It's not like she's Rachel Dolezal-ing us & telling us she's 100% black when she's not?

They then have a problem that she said she's the only black girl to have gotten as far on the show as she did. Once again-FACT. If these two hate facts so much why don't they quit their bartending jobs & go work on Fox News. I feel like Chris Crocker screaming "LEAVE JUBILEE ALONE!!!"

Jubilee was an orphan who is now Sergeant in the US army; she doesn't deserve this bullshit from you random slores.

We now have our queen & Parker Posey look alike Lace. I loved this woman even before she liked one of my Instagram pictures (HUMBLEBRAG). They play a montage of her time of on the show and in a 60 second clip the word "crazy" was mentioned 35 times.

All of a sudden an audience member stands up randomly (after producers give the cue) & screams "Lace you may be crazy, but you're crazy beautiful & I may seem crazy myself but I have to show you something”.

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If a random white man stood up & started screaming, "I'm crazy & I have something to show you," I would assume it was a gun. He Kanye runs to the stage & lifts up his shirt to show his Lace tattoo (aka what some shitty artist did with a bald point pen to this PA an hour before taping).

She says how she has done a lot of work on herself in therapy since the show (BOOOOO!!!!!) & that she tries to remember her motto everyday "like my tattoo says, you have to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else." I love that she has my favorite RuPaul quote tattooed on her. She says that the Bachelor wasn't a good fit for her where she was in her life at that time. Chris invites her to join Bachelor in Paradise so she can undo all that personal growth & so we can see her do her "Rosanne Rosanna Danna" impression in a bikini. VIVA LA LACE!!!!!!!

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Next is what felt like the Salem Witch Trials of our Cankle Queen

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Unlikable Cameron Diaz comes to the stage in a very short & straight bob that looks like it was straight ironed in 5 minutes. She had to watch a montage of her worst moments on the show (so basically all of her moments). Was Olivia crazy? Yes. But she didn't hurt anyone except herself, her broadcasting career, & her reputation across America.

Chris asks her how it is watching that & she says it's extremely embarrassing. She says that she did really did have feelings for him but she knew things were getting worse for her in the house when she would walk into a room & they would all stop talking & glare at her. As she's talking they just keep cutting to the other girls snickering & rolling their eyes at her and whispering to each other as she's talking. Thank you for proving her point!

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She re-apologizes for calling Amanda “Teen Mom”, and even though Single Mom has laryngitis she still sounds like a cartoon mouse. Even though she apologized after it happened & once again on this episode, Single Mom still keeps going on about it & retorts with a line she’s clearly been working on for a couple months in the car pick up line: “Being a mom is my jam" BARF.

It's such her jam she auditioned to be away from them for 3 months & when she finally did come back to see them brought a strange man they had never met & told them this could possibly be there new dad. You're right; being a terrible mom IS your jam!

You can see that Slutty Twin Thing 1 & Thing 2 are gearing because they can barely keep still & are looking at Olivia like she ran over their obese Dachshund. They both start going off & have shaky voice because they are so impassioned with getting attention & camera time. Thankfully, you don't have to make a lot of TED talks at strip clubs & instead can just focus on dancing to "Pour Some Sugar On Me" around a pole.

They attack her for being a bully & one of the slutty Taylor Swifts say "One night YOU were wearing a long dress because you said you wanted to look like "wife material" & I was wearing a short romper so you were basically calling me a slut". WOW that’s a lot of rationalizing because if she had called you a slut that would have been put that in every preview they could run. But she didn't. The rest of America called you a slut but not Olivia, at least not when she had a microphone on & if you didn't have a mic pack on when you said it- IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. They just keep saying she's a bully & when one of the girls points out "You bullied her this whole season" Slutty Thing 1 says "YEAH BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT". I bet all the NFL cheerleaders watching you right now can't wait for you to join their team!

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Olivia then says how they bullied more than she ever bullied them-they made comments about her cankles, her toes, her cleavage, her dragon breath MULTIPLE TIMES each episode & everyone is choosing to focus on a Teen Mom comment when Church Mouse was talking about Ex Baby Daddy not wanting to drop off the kids to her moms? I'm sorry but if you asked me to name what that reminds me of I would say "The show Teen Mom". You're going to get offended anytime says _________ mom because you have kids? I could imagine Balloon Voice being the type to complain on Campells Soup Facebook page about the commercial having the two dads in it- "How am I supposed to explain this lifestyle to my CHILDREN!? How do they have two dads & my kids don't even have one?!"

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I feel like saying someone has bad breath is one of the most embarrassing things you can say about a person because it changes your idea of them forever. I would rather do the caborlesque performance in front of America then have everyone know kissing me tastes like hot garbage. In her defense, can you imagine how hard it is to floss 150 teeth?!

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Honestly the girls should have apologized to Olivia not the other way around & we ALL should have gotten apologies from the producers for having her be kicked off so early.

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Next we bring Character Shoes down & Chris Harrison is really pushing hard "Wow, did you hear that applause? A LOT of love in the house for Cailia. am I right? Right?" UGHHH stop pushing character shoes on us to be the next Bachelorette. Maybe the next Disney character actor but not the next Bachelorette.

She says how hard it is to watch it back & she didn't picture it ending that way,she pictured it ending with wedding photos of her, Bracelet, her dad who looks like the evil scientist in Nightmare Before Christmas & her mom in adult braces.

Church Face comes out & he & Chris Harrison continue their bromance.  Oatmeal gives generic, rehearsed politician answers to all the girls & even though he groped & then broke up with all of them they still stare at him adoringly hoping that one day he'll sell them software at a discounted rate.

He asks about Single Moms kids because of course they have to. I wish she would have said "they keep asking where their new dad went & why men always leave us" but instead she just giggles at a pitch only dogs can hear & says they're good & she knows Marshmallow will make a great husband & dad one day. BARF.

This episode seemed as long as the Oscars & with almost as much race discussion when all I wanted to know about was what happened to Slutty Twins club thumb during filming, but did the important questions get asked?! Of course not.

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I can't believe next week is the finale no ones been waiting for. In the previews we see a lot of Pillow looking pensive (or constipated), the return of his disapproving librarian mom, and Basic & JoJo Isla Fischer both in separate helicopters in evening gowns. I don't know who cried more tears tonight- me out of boredom or Oatmeal in the previews.

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How do you feel kittens? If the rumor is true about Character Shoes being the Bachelorette we should all start a petition online to suggest that Sheila the chicken take her place instead. I'm serious.

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The Bachelor

Sister Wives

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We are out of that hideous Spanish style mansion for good and are spending the last excruciatingly long episodes in Michael Scott's favorite vacation destination - the Sandals resort in Jamaica. I was shocked that Oatmeal didn't do a "Jamaican Me Crazy" pun in the opening credits because you know he was dying to.

Potato says Jamaica is the most beautiful place in the world, "The water is blue, the air is fresh, the people are friendly." Yes, because I'm sure Potato is spending a lot of time with locals where most of the country is living below the poverty level. Even though the climate doesn't lend itself to him wearing his favorite article of clothing, his letterman jacket, his trusty bracelet is on FULL display now that he gets to roll up his brightly colored linen shirts with his khaki shorts. He always looks like he is dressed head to toe in an outfit his mom gave him for Christmas.

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Yeah this mattress will do.

Potato is super excited because this is Fantasy Suite time meaning he finally gets to have sex with them, Fantasy Suite is a more romanticized version of the Grotto.

The first lucky girl up is Character Shoes. They take a rafting trip/gondola down a river in a raft looks like it was built by Tom Hanks in Cast Away. I doubt he would have taken JoJo or WASPY Lauren B on this date, but he probably figures Character Shoes is half Filipino so she's used to jungle shit. The have a "raft cam" & it's completely silent & awkward between them like this river raft is an airport shuttle & they're complete strangers just waiting to get to Hurtz rental car. When they finally do speak, it's just about the river & the trees. It's like being on a date with the Lorax.

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Even though this date is more awkward than Olivia's Vegas Caborlesque, the undercover perv manages to use that bracelet for a boob graze. (See above)

He's been so handy this whole season! He's like an octopus with all the girls but no one notices it because he's a pretend good guy who's obsessed with children (as long as they don't belong to any girl he's dating). Marshmallow complains how's she's not being smiley enough, where earlier in the episode he was complaining that she was too smiley & he wasn't sure if he would get to see any other layers to this tap dancing little onion. Because this girl should act & be exactly what you want her to be all the time, that's her job since you yourself are so complex. You always look & act the same - like an assistant manager at Best Buy.

We go to our signature uneaten meal & they are surrounded my tiki torches like the producers are also sharing the set with the show Survivor. She says she feels weird that he's dating 2 other girls. SHE'S JUST REALIZING THIS NOW!? Are you dumber than the hair that's now swallowing your head?

She then tells him that she's in love with him & his response is - to just kiss her. She says she knows he's in love with her to, "By the way they take a deep breath together."

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"Ben doesn't have to say anything. I told him I love him & even though he didn't say it, I can feel it in his breath that he feels the same." Is he using that Extra Gum from that commercial with the high school sweethearts?

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Character Shoes is so happy that he invited her to the Fantasy Suite & says she's so thankful that she doesn't have to say goodnight to him right now. Yeah, because how many guys when they have the option of getting to have sex with you are going to send you away even though you just told them you were in love with them & they clearly don't feel the same way, but he sure is going to pretend for the next 6 1/2 minutes in missionary style.

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They make out in the ocean as the crew set off fireworks & cut to them making out in their Sandals suite with fireworks behind them because ABC really wants you to get that they are about to sleep with each other.

Bracelet says, "I can't believe that I could wake up tomorrow maybe knowing if this is the girl I'm going to spend my life with," so all the time leading up to now you have no idea but depending on how she is in bed that's going to be the thing that makes it click in your head? Got it. Well Character Shoes looks like what Patti Stanger would call a "spinner" so she might still have a chance in this.

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The next day Lauren Basic walks up like she has a diaper rash & Marshmallow hugs her like he hasn't seen in a woman in months when in reality he just got done banging Character Shoes a few hours ago. But that doesn't matter because we all know Lauren Basic is the butter for this Baked Potato.

They head off on a real boat this time because he's not going to put the love of his life & future mother of his dud children on that safety hazard Tom Sawyer raft date he took that Saved By The Bell extra on.

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We go to an island & their date is helping baby sea turtles get into the ocean safely. Basic says, "Turtles are amazing because they can live up to a 100 years. I hope my relationship with Ben lasts that long." You're both 26 now, you think you're both going to live to 126 years? How are you not going to die of boredom just listening to each other's stories?!

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They then pray over the bucket of turtles and tip it over & the baby turtles go at record speed. What great motivation for them to get into the ocean just to get away from these two annoyingly basics going back & fourth about, "You're too good for me." "No, you're too good for ME!"Go turtles, save yourselves!!!!! Although eventually you'll sadly end up in one of the meals Caila's mom cooks.

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They makeout in the water but instead of fireworks it's double rainbows... I wonder how long production had to wait around for a rainbow to appear & had them on standby sitting in the crew chairs and then when it appeared screamed, "Go go go!!! Get in the water! We only have a few minutes of this shot!"

At night they go to a local reggae band where they are the only white people & he sways off beat & pretends to feel comfortable. I'm waiting for him to do the Carlton or scream, "Slappin Da' Bass Man!" Basic has great abs for someone whose favorite food is "butter" as she told us last episode. Maybe she means she dips her cotton balls in butter before swallowing them.

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She tells him he is, "the man of her dreams," dayum girl, you have boring dreams. He invites her back to the Fantasy Suite. I hope the maids have had time to change the sheets to get the smell of Character Shoes' "Pink Sugar" perfume out of them.

Oh snap, back at the suite I realize this is a new room that's way bigger & nicer than the one Caila got. Uh Oh. Basic tells him that she's in love with him & he tells her that he's known he's in love with her for a while. Since this is my first season of watching "Bland Man with Roses" I guess this is a big deal because it's against the rules for him to say that till the last episode?

I would call Bracelet a lot of things - I didn't think rule breaker would be one of them. Congratulations! Maybe all that time in your pleather jacket wore off!

They just slowly blink at each other telling each other I love you back & fourth like it's a vocal warm up . She tells him that she never thought someone like him existed so clearly she's never been to a Chili's.

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The next morning the producers keep zooming in on the clothes on the floor, as if we are as stupid as Twin. We get it! They had sex! He tells her he loves her 5 more times & then leaves to go meet his other girlfriend & later have sex with her.

He meets JoJo & they fly through the jungle in a helicopter, but I honestly just think that ABC used the opening scene from Jurassic Park because that's exactly what it looks like. We come to a waterfall & I'm waiting for any second to see Lala from Vanderpump Rules come out from behind it topless.

The closest Pillow has gotten to something like this is his waterfall screensaver. JoJo says she wishes she knew what was going on in Oatmeal's head & I can already tell you - it's his highlight reel from his high school football game on loop.

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Brunette Isla Fischer strips down to this swimgerie number & Bracelet shows off his dad bod & awful scripture tattoo. You couldn't have prayed a little harder for a trainer before you knew you were going on a show where 80% of the time you were going to be shirtless?

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They do the stereotypical jump scene where they can talk for 10 minutes after about how it represents and shows that it's about taking risks with each other & they have the strength to trust the unknownblahahaha, water makeout, water makeout.

I wish instead of the 5,000 Goldberg popups at the bottom of the screen, ABC would put what we ACTUALLY want to see which are the brands of what the girls are wearing. Like right now JoJo's incredible water proof mascara that is not going anywhere just like that god awful Bracelet on his wrist .

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She tells Pillow that she loves him & he tells her he loves her too. WHAT? Pillow is handing out "I love yous" as if they are likes on Instagram. Either way this goes, it's going to end the same way - with her brothers killing you.

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They go to the Fantasy Suite (duh) & I feel like this is Groundhog Day. I have to see him show the girls around a suite and point out obvious items. "We have our own pool & hot tub. Look at this bed!" They're desperate for love Ben, they're not blind.

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Pillow about to last 7 seconds in the suite

The next day he leaves the fantasy suite in a Jansport backpack (barf) like he's going off to lead a hike at Bible Camp. He is saying how he can't believe he's in love with 2 women at the same time & I feel like there is a producer having to whisper off to the side, "pppssstt Ben, Caila's still technically here."

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"I could have sworn I put my velcro wallet in my back pocket"

He just keeps looking out in different scenic locations saying how he is in love with two women, the producers are going for a brooding, pensive look & instead he just looks like a guy who lost his keys. Cut to Character Shoes in a Sandals Resort room away because we have to make sure we get that Sandals logo in there as much we can. She says how she just misses him so much so she wants to go surprise him right now. Oh boy.

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Peter Brady sits in a chair staring out pondering if there is anyway he could get Basic & JoJo to move to Utah with him when we sees Cailia sneak up behind & give a wink & "shhhhh!" motion to the cameras. She comes up behind him, covers his eyes & kisses him.

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The look on his face when he realizes its her is more disappointed than surprised. He keeps saying ,"What the heck!? Whoa this is crazy. Give me a second," because that's what you want to hear from your boyfriend when you show up.

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No it isn't, you didn't even pretend to say I love you to her & she was the only one who didn't get a jacuzzi with her suite!

He sits her down & tells her, "I'm in love with two women here & I just can't say that to you."Ouch. She is now Les Miserables. He continues to rub salt in the wound by saying, "You're what I would've described to be my perfect wife," but turns out my dream wife is a much blonder & whiter, whose mom doesn't have adult braces or cook weird ethnic food. He tells her he's really going to miss her & she says that sounds like a line - because it is.

He asks if he can walk her out which I think it the most fake nice guy move ever. No you can't walk me out you just broke up with me on national TV after you slept with me & you want to look chivalrous now? Go fuck your bracelet.

He hugs her goodbye. If this were me, I would go in for the hug & with my face covered in makeup smear it all over his shirt so it would look like he smothered a clown. He puts her in the car & as soon as the door shuts, she immediately hops back out. "I have to know one thing, did you know you were going to send me home before this week?" aka before you slept with me. His mush mouth says no but his lifeless raisin eyes say yes. Oh Character Shoes, this is the risk you take when you give your heart to a bad boy software selling, pleather jacket wearing russet potato of a man. You have better things coming your way, like the auditions for Damn Yankees!

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She gets back in the car & sobs how she still loves him. Well that's understandable. You were just broken up with 6 minutes ago, not 6 years ago. You have a lot to go home to Caila - all the things you love, like that bench, your creepy looking dad & a full DVR of your favorite show, The Big Bang Theory.

We now go to the completely unnecessary 7 Eleven Rose Ceremony. Brunette Isla Fischer shows up in a hot dress which she completely ruins by wearing wedges. We see Chris Harrison earning that multi million dollar contract by asking her how the date went then escorting her down 3 steps to the grass; he must be exhausted.

He then greets Basic & asks her how her time was with Pillow & she says that he told her that he loves her & his reaction is this:

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We have the 2 girls sit there staring at the 2 roses for what feels like 5 minutes before realizing that Character Shoes isn't even there. Does ANYONE like her besides her local Murder Mystery Theater Troupe?

Marshmallow gives them their roses & both of them stand their thinking that they're the only girl he said "I love you" to. They hug & it's like a scene out of Big Love.

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Cheers to you all sharing the same fluids in the same week!

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"To marriage, with one of you!"

Talk to me kittens, who do you want to win!? Who are we going to be stuck with being the Bachelorette? Who do you want? If Olivia or Lace got chosen - I know they won't but that's my dream - I would literally audition to be one of the bachelors even though I'm a straight woman. That's how much I love them.

I love you for reading!!!!!

The Bachelor

Meet The Fockers

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This week is hometown visits & we meet the families that made the girls who they are today. Ya know, the type of girls who go on National TV to find a husband. First up is Single Mom who lives in Laguna Beach & I think they made a big mistake by not playing the Hillary Duff "Coming Clean" song.

We open on Ben looking out in deep thought at the ocean. He's supposed to look like Prince Eric but instead he looks like Peter Brady's son; he's also wearing capri pants.

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They run towards each other on the beach, him holding his tennis shoes, she's holding her top up because when running in sand & jumping a shoulder less, braless option is always the best way to go. I don't know how to describe this "top." I am hoping her kids made it & that's why she's wearing it & also that her kids are blind. It has what are either detached sleeves or huge bracelets. I can't tell. Between the top & the minuscule jean shorts, she looks like she's trying to be a stand in for Britney Spears in Crossroads but even 2007 Britney wouldn't have worn something this bad. Do your bad life decisions never end Chipmunk?

She says how her kids are going to come meet them at the beach and Ben asks what kind of stuff do they like to do - "they love to be chased!" Oh great, have a strange man that they've never met before chasing them - fantastic parenting!

She also says that her children have big personalities - so it's now official. Potato & them will have nothing in common.

She says how she's never been away from them for more than 4 days. You just spent 4 days in Pawnee alone and like 13 weeks on this show!

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Some PA brings the ragamuffins who are of course wearing matching outfits to the beach & she runs to them while the whole time having to hold her top up. Jesus! Potato did a costume change from Capri pants to shorts. Why couldn't you do the same?! The kids are already crying & I'm not sure if it's because they finally get to remember what their mom's woodland sprite face looks like or if it's because of all of the cameras in their face or the fact they are having to run in the sand while wearing dresses, floor length cardigans & child GLADIATOR sandals all the way up to their knees. I don't know why they're dressed like Suri Cruise on Easter brunch while they're at the beach but terrible clothing decisions - like mother, like daughter. Well I called the inevitable building sand castle scene last week! I know every other woman in America's ovaries are bursting right now watching him with children, but all I'm wishing is that we were back on Pignado beach because I can't take this shit.

BTW Potato is great at talking to them, "You look beautiful! It's so nice to meet you! I've heard great things!" Super natural. Why don't you ask them who they're going to vote for?

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This car ride is a fantastic birth control commercial

They go back to meet Single Mom's parents & the kids are screaming bloody murder the whole way there in the car - ok so we both feel the same way about what's happening. Ben brings the parents a bouquet that looks like they sent a PA to Trader Joes & said, "Get whichever is the cheapest one." The parents ask whats wrong with the girls & Single Mom & Potato say they just spent a whole day at the beach chasing seagulls so that's why they're upset. UM I don't think it would have mattered what location they were at all day because it wouldn't have changed the shirt or lack of shirt their mom was wearing. I think that's what's upsetting them most. Or it could be the huge stranger who keeps kissing their mom, or the 3 camera men, 2 boom mic operators, 4 assistant producers & lighting people following them around, but who knows. It's probably just those damn seagulls! When SM & Potato go to put the kids down for a nap, SM's dad says that, "Ben has sort of a deer in the headlights look about him." You catch on quick, Dad. Her parents keep asking if he's ready to be an "Insta-dad" which sounds like the worst app in the whole world.

The girls keep screaming & you see Potato's face start to look more & more stressed out. At least when he visited the elementary schools he could just leave whenever he wanted.

The car comes to pick Potato up to go to his next girlfriend's hometown & he kisses Single Mom a tight lipped kiss goodbye & tells her to say goodbye to the kids for him. I'm surprised you couldn't hear the tires screeching away as he tells the driver to fucking gun it.

Next we visit Lauren B-asic in Portland & the first thing she tells him when he gets there is, "Fun fact - Portland is the city of roses!" (So apparently she doesn't know the definition of "fun.")

Their date is just going around to different food trucks because size 0 Basic keeps reminding us how much she LOVES to eat, "I dont know if I've told you my love of butter, it's my favorite food." Ok Paula Dean. This goes to show you that Basic & him ARE perfect for each other because her favorite food is butter & what goes better on a baked potato?.

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He then feeds her a grilled cheese sandwich doing airplane noises because get it? She's a flight attendant? And because he's a doofus? If a grown man tried to feed me like I was child I would act like I was a child and smack it out of his hands & start cry screaming at the top of my lungs. They spend 2 minutes just talking about cheese because what else are 2 WASPS going to talk about? In a city whose motto is "Keep it weird," the weirdest thing about these two is that they somehow tricked producers into thinking they were fascinating enough to be on National TV.

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We then go to a whiskey library because the only things more boring than these two - whiskey & libraries. She says, "This is so romantic & I could sit here in complete silence & not speak a word & be more content than anything else in my life." It looks like Belle's library in Beauty & the Beast but instead of books, it's just old whiskey & instead of entertaining characters it's just them, in silence, staring at each other. Riveting. I would rather just go back to zooming in on the greasy skillets frying butter.

Potato goes to meet her family with another grocery store $20 bouquet; ABC spares NO expense. We meet her family, which the most fasnciating part of this family is that she has an 18 year old dog that has more life in its eyes than Ben does. Her sister takes Bracelet aside & grills him asking, "How do I know you're not just saying the same things to all the families since you're dating 4 girls? What is it about Lauren?" He says, "There's something about your sister that," and then breaks down into tears. I think he just panicked & pulled the tears out like a girl getting pulled over by a cop. And it worked! The tears were good enough for the sister! I really do think he loves her, almost as much as he loves his high school letterman jacket. I personally can't stand it when a grown man cries unless it's the death of a family member or animal related. Fucking lock it up.

Basic & her sister talk with their wine glasses resting on the bed like it's a Temperpedic ad. Basic said she's in love with Bracelet & she says, "He's her person," which reminds me of the Friends episode.

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Next we go to meet Character Shoes who when she isn't practicing tap at the local rec center is apparently spending hours watching YouTube hair tutorials. Caila is dressed like she's shooting an outdoor apparel ad for Sears. She decides to appeal to his sense of glory day nostalgia & show him her high school & I pray she takes him to her drama department. But the big part of her high school she wants to show him is a bench outside of it.

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"I always watched couples come to this bench & I always dreamed of bringing my boyfriend here & you're the first person I've ever brought here." - shocker.

I can totally see a young socially awkward, musical theater enthusiast Caila sitting voyuerstically watching other couples on this bench while she was behind a tree like

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Going to the beach, food truck & now sitting on a bench - all these dates are so fucking poor. I'm waiting for the next hometown date at JoJo's to just be them watching Netflix. Jesus Christ ABC, how much money could that Muppets show possibly be costing you?!

Character Shoes has mentioned moving around almost as many times as Marshmallow has mentioned being a quarterback, but she never gives a backstory (not like I particularly want to hear it). Maybe they just moved around so much so they could enter her into as many Barbizon modeling schools as possible.

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Turns out Caila is the Gretchen Weiners of the Bachelor - that's why her hair's so big! Her dad is CEO of a toy company. The company makes kids play houses & they are going to build a toy home together. Ben says, "Wow, I never expected this today. This is amazing!" I don't know if he's talking about making a toy house or the fact he wasn't expecting her to be rich; I'm guessing the latter.

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They sit there and design their house & you can see Caila picturing what this will look like when they move into it in real life. "It's fun to think about that in our near future that Ben could be taking me into our dream home & I won't have to hold back & we could just make out in our kitchen, or on our front lawn - in are toy house or in our real house! Who knows!" because everyone loves to see people making out on their front lawns.

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They makeout in the the toy house "they" made. He then carries her out Officer & a Gentleman style while the poor factory employees (who already had to stop what they were doing and put together a house for their bosses slutty, delusional daughter) now have to awkwardly slow clap.

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We go meet her parents with you guessed it, another $20 grocery store bouquet. We meet her parents & we finally figure out what is her ancestory.com profile. Her dad looks like Robert Durst from the show The Jinx & he definitely does look like a toy maker. Her mom is Philipino with adult braces- I'm sure they met on a mail order bride website. The mom made all Phillipino food. Great, as if it isn't bad enough going over to someone else's house with different smells, now you have to eat their weird cooking? The most ethnic food Potato's probably had is Panda Exress at his local mall & even that was probably still too spicy for him.

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He's just picturing all the new toy ideas he wants to make! And the bodies he can destroy in the machines...

"The fact that my mom told me that Ben might love me makes me feel great." —Caila

Oh honey.....

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Next is JoJo, aka Brunette Isla Fischer. She walks up to her house to find a bouquet of red roses & a letter. She naturally assumes it's from Marshmallow & brings it inside & starts reading the letter out loud only to realize a couple sentences in that it's from her exboyfriend Chad. After doing some interest stalking (which is my best talent) I found out his last name is Rookstool. His name is Chad Rookstool. CHAD ROOKSTOOL. Which is possibly the douchiest name I've ever heard. I'm sorry but if you continue to talk to someone after they say, "Hi, nice to meet you. My name is Chad Rookstool," that's on YOU girl.

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She calls him & they have a conversation that consisted mostly of song lyrics: "Since you've been gone..," "I realized the meaning of being lonely," " I want to know what love is, I want you," "There were so many times you didn't look back, even when I begged you to stay"

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JoJo you're already writing your next hit single during this phone call! Conveniently, Potato's car pulls up RIGHT when she's on the phone with Chad Rookstool (LOL) & she says she has to go & hangs up crying. She wipes her tears away, takes a dramatic pause & opens the door with a fake smile like she's on a soap opera. Which a soap opera would be less produced than what is happening here.

Ben wants to know why she's crying & she explains the whole ex drama & how she thought the flowers & letter was from him. Well JoJo, the flowers looked expensive so that should have been your clue they were not from Ben.

JoJo says she's very confident with her & Ben's relationship and that today is going to go great with her family. It honestly would have gone better if they had just gone over to visit Chad Rookstool.

We go to meet Jo Jo's family who live in the house from the movie Clueless. Based on the in laws houses alone, Potato should definitely choose JoJo because this one is way nicer than the Bachelor mansion. As soon as she opens the door her two brothers maul her. Her dad looks like a shorter, fatter Dr.Phil, or at least the guy who runs the lie detector for Dr.Phil. I already love the mom. She has loud costume jewelry, is clearly on Xanax & has botox that has't quite settled in yet. We sit at the dinner table and her brothers look like they're more interested in eating Potato than steak.

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Ben is left alone with the brothers while JoJo & her mom go upstairs & sit on the bed with their shoes on - gross. The brothers are just baking Potato & he is not doing well under pressure. C'mon, I thought you were quarterback! Apparently it was for a powderpuff game. Meanwhile upstairs, JoJo starts quoting Jessi Spano again with, "I'm so.. I'm so..I'm so SCARED!" & her mom goes, "There's nothing to be scared about, you're beautiful." I'm so insulted my therapist has never once said this to me.

The brothers try to talk JoJo out of being in love with Potato & ask why she's putting him up on a pedestal because he doesn't deserve it - very true. The steroids brother also says that he doesn't seem as emotionally invested as she is because he is dating 3 other girls - also true.

They all go to the kitchen where the brother who looks like he isn't on steroids tells Ben that he brainwashes these girls & that he feels like Ben rehearses these staged answers & Ben doesn't deny it or say anything at all.

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Meanwhile, the steroid brother just stands there looking like an unsuccessful Keanu Reeves. Side note, this brother went on Eva Longoria's dating show a few years ago & proposed to a girl & broke up with her 2 weeks later. Probably because he realized he was in love with his sister.

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The mother meanwhile is auditioning for her spot on The Real Housewives of Dallas & giving us the best scene to happen this whole season where she just takes a swig right from the wine bottle because what else are you going to do when your son is confronting your gorgeous scarf model of a daughter for falling in love with a baked potato cooked at 0 degrees giving her a 7-11 rose? And then the husband telling her to put the bottle down, don't listen to him you do you boo!

The brothers look at Potato like he owes them $500, & I'm starting to think it was them, not the producers, who tracked down Chad Rookstool (LOL) and asked him to write that letter just to break her & Bracelet up! These guys are protective over their sister. They're like the Texas version of the Sopranos. Bracelet manages to escape the mansion without his legs being broken but not before JoJo's mom giving us this last gem:

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We are back at the gaudy spanish style mansion in California for the rose ceremony & JoJo looks A-MAH-zing in a red dress that her brothers would NOT approve of. Lauren Basic & Caila get their roses & now it's down to JoJo & Single Mom. Chris Harrison decides to earn that multi million dollar contract & step in and say, "We're down to one rose," & then walks off. They honestly should just give this job to Lauren Basic's 18 year old dog.

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He eliminates Single Mom because two brothers in love with their sister who hate you are still way better than 2 small kids. Single Mom is crying & I get it; it's really sad because you're never going to get that long of a vacation away from your kids again for at least the next 18 years. That sooooks.

Talk to me kittens, which one of these girls do you think is going to get stuck carrying around this sand bag of dead weight for the rest of their lives & by rest of their lives I mean 7 months or 8 US Weekly Covers, whichever comes first!

The Bachelor

Hometown Zero

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This week we go back to the town that made Ben the oatmeal cookie of a man he is today -Pawnee! I mean Warsaw, Indianna. I don't know if my ears are prepared for the shrieking once the girls find out that they are in the ORTHOPEDIC CAPITAL OF THE WORLD!!! We see Ben walking around his hometown in a pleather jacket waving at every stranger on the street pretending to know them, & then I see this car & wonder if it's Jay Leno who I imagine in Warsaw is considered a very edgy comic.

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He goes to meet his parents at what looks like a B- rated deli that makes the one on Seinfeld look like Morton's Steakhouse; this place isn't even Guy Fieti worthy. There is a sign in the window that says, "We don't have wifi - talk to each other." Way to lure your customers in! I would rather go into a restaurant with a sign that says ,"We have Ecoli." (At least with the Ecoli I might lose some weight.)

Potato kisses his dad; which I realize Italians are very affectionate with each other, but when I see male WASPS kiss each other, it just creeps me out.

He describes all the girls to his parents & the look on their faces when he says that one of them has 2 kids from a former marriage, is the same look of blank horror I have when I hear someone say they're going to vote for Trump.

Potato gets up to leave but not without kissing his dad goodbye again. He then says goodbye to his mom & the way he looks at his mother you can tell that if it was allowed on the show, (and in other states besides West Virginia) he would give the final rose to her.

We see the girls waiting for him by a dock & playfully throwing dirty leaves at each other because the producers are forcing them to. Oh ABC, thank you for reminding us how much fun white girls have in the fall together!

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Where James Bond pulls up in a speed boat wearing a tuxedo, Off Brand Osmond pulls up in a pontoon boat wearing a leather jacket. He's as good at driving the boat as he is at Pig Whispering & almost crashes the boat into the fucking dock while taking Caila Character Shoes out with it. Ben, think of her community theater acting career! Who is going to play the lead in Guys & Dolls?!

He loads the harem onto the boat to take them to the other side of the "lake" which just appears to be a large pond. The girls act very excited & all make comments about how beautiful the water is. Um, you just came from the fucking Bahamas & you're telling me you're excited about this murky water that is probably filled with used tires and condoms? You must really be in love with him & by him I mean the chance to be on Dancing With The Stars.

We get to the pond house they're staying at & Potato tells Lauren B-asic that they're going on a one on one & she has 30 minutes to get ready. If someone told me I had 30 minutes to get ready for a date, I would tell them they better add 2 hours to that.

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He takes Basic on a date in Bella Swan's truck from Twilight, & they drive around his shithole town with no seatbelts. Where the fuck is his traffic citation? Click it or ticket, Bracelet!

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He drives her around to his "favorite" places which I bet you can already guess his first stop - his school! Of course he wouldn't miss ANOTHER opportunity to bring up the fact he used to play high school football; maybe that one of the reasons he's so boring is because his brain has suffered too many concussions from playing for him to have any personality or humor left. Lauren asks him, "What position did you play?" Even my cat knows he was quarterback; he's only mentioned it 19 times this season.

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I didn't think it could get worse than the not so glory days high school tour, but it did. We now drive past his church! He says, "My church," like it's his Cheers - that's where everyone knows his name. Ugh. Having to stare at his scripture tattoo last episode is the closest thing to going to church I'm ever going to get.

He tells the story of his first kiss & how the girl laughed at him because he said he didn't know how to kiss her - he should be very familiar with girls laughing at him by now. I know I've been doing it this whole season.

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He then brings her to a Youth Club which he said, "Formed him into the man he is today." Which I would not use as their advertisement unless you want your kid growing up an unloved russet potato who has a fetish for perverted puppetry. Lauren says how being there playing with those kids, "Makes me feel like I'm back at home hanging out with my friends again." Your friends are neglected 12 year olds? Some see kids; all I see is a giant cloud of pink eye.

A professional NBA player comes out who Lauren Basic pretends to be a huge fan of (he's never been married to Khloe Kardashian or Eva Longoria so I have no idea who he is), but I am happy that now Ben has officially met 4 black people thanks to this show.

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Potato then sees a little boy crying in the corner. He says to him, "You look like a dude who could use a little fun today!" - and then takes his hand & leads him outside.

Hhhhhmmm, maybe don't use the words "a little fun" while leading a crying child away from the group because it looks like you're dragging him out for some candy in your windowless white van. (You do already have a reputation of hanging around elementary schools even though you yourself have no children at that school.)

They then go to a dive bar where she meets all of his friends, aka any person in the town willing to sign a release. He says, "This has always been my dream, to bring my girlfriend to meet my friends at my favorite bar!" Move over Martin Luther King, we have a new dreamer.

Also, she's only sort of your girlfriend (since you have 5 others). These acquaintances are sort of your friends & you seem like you'd be much more comfortable at a salad bar than a real one that serves the devil's juice.

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He takes her back to his "apartment" which is confusing because doesn't he live in Denver doing "software sales"? Also, what single straight man has orchids in his apartment? Also, why is there a giant fucking padlock on your fake apartment door? This isn't the Bronx, it's Indiana where the only crimes committed here are ones against fashion.

The next day we have our date with JoJo, who is the only person on the show I barely hate. She's so pretty & adorable that I have no idea why she's on this show or would be interested in Church Face. She always looks like she just got a blow out & has a really fun variety of scarves. Maybe she sells them on Etsy and THAT'S why she would subject herself to this, for the free press! Smart JoJo. That "Leave, get out, right now," money wasn't going to hold you over forever.

They have a date at Wrigley Field. We get to the field & of course we have Mr. & Mrs. Higgins jerseys. It's smart of producers to just use the last name, so they can use the same jersey for whatever girl gets stuck with this sack of flour in the end. They're going to be playing baseball -ugh back to the fucking physical challenges. (The youth center date Lauren had to jump rope & play basketball. Now JoJo has to play baseball. How many sports bra's do the producers tell them to pack!?) Watching Ben play baseball is like watching Charlie Brown play baseball, sad. Ben looks much more like a catcher than a pitcher.

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Once again, we have our classic Nicholas Sparks cover of an attractive white couple lying down in the grass together.

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They then go to change outfits & batteries in their mic packs, and he comes out wearing a brown corduroy jacket. I didn't even know they still made that fabric, #themoreyouknow, but now we can have our completely natural, sit down formal dinner on the field. I'm waiting for the sprinklers to come on.BEN HIGGINS, JOELLE He asks her why she seems nervous anytime she's with him & that he feels like she's holding back with him. If you were playing a drinking game anytime Jojo said,

-I'm afraid

-I'm scared

-I'm guarded

-I have my guard up

-I can't let my guard down

-I'm just....really worried

Well then you would have died of alcohol poisoning. I don't know what happened to JoJo. If she was a war prisoner, a mole woman, dated Tom Cruise? I don't know what happened, but she clearly was released from the PTSD treatment ward too soon. The only thing I would be afraid of being with Ben is that he would fall asleep at the wheel & I wouldn't even notice.

The next day we have the group date at a farm where he makes them fly kites - seriously, he's Charlie Brown, but I'm even less sexually attracted to him. If I showed up for a date & an adult man told me I would be flying a kite, I would strangle him with the string, but ya know, who LOVES kites? You guessed it!

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During that thrilling kite segment, I was praying for a lightning storm that sadly never came. This group date literally only consisted of the kite flying... dear God, where is my beloved Olivia when we need her? Who needs Ambien when you could just watch this show. It looks less like a dating show & more like a Claritin commercial.

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He then brings them to a barn that looks like it's the set of a Mumford & Sons video. He makes them wait in this Pinterest barn while he takes each one aside & talks to them about their families so he (the producers) can decide which ones he wants to visit. Stevie Wonder could have seen that he was going to pick Single Mom to give the safety rose & hometown visit to. Do you think the producers are going to miss out on having fat middle America moms oooohhing & awwwwing over Potato playing with her two sticky children? I'm already dreading next week where we have the inevitable shot of them on the beach building sand castles together or eating ice-cream together and getting it on each other's noses or some bullshit. Barf.

Potato sends Becca the Virgin & Character Shoes back to the pond house to continue the date with Single Mom. He then takes her to a McDonald's because he says since he's in his hometown he wants to do what's normal for him when he's home, which is go to McDonald's. McDonald's is one of those local treasures that you can ONLY find in Warsaw, Indiana. I would love for just one episode for them to be honest about a date and say, "This company was willing to pay the most amount of money to sponsor us, so that's why we're here!"

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Buh duh buh buh buh I’m Leaving Him!

Single Mom & Potato order breakfast for dinner, scandalous! And then zaney Ben tells the woman working behind the counter, "Hey, ya know what I've always wanted to do? I've always wanted to get behind the counter. Is there any way you would you let us back there?!" Subtle! Nice job producers. This is as real as the meat in the hamburgers. This date is extremely painful for me to watch, not just for obvious reasons but because it's a flashback of every date I ever had with my ex because it's all he could afford.

They start working the drive thru and it is a RIOT. I would be so pissed if I was having to wait in the drive thru forever just for my fruit & yogurt parfait & when I got up to the window, I saw the reason it took 20 minutes is because Field Mouse & Bracelet are having fun playing cash register? I wonder if serving Happy Meals reminded her of being back at home with her kids because that's probably what she gives them for dinner every night anyway.

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They do a Lady & the Tramp kiss with a french fry & I didn't think McDonald's food could get any more grotesque, but I was wrong. The look on her face is like he's a mamma bird throwing up into her mouth.

Also, isn't Ben eating a french fry cannabilism?

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The next day, Twin finds out that she's going on a date to meet his parents. She says, “Talking to people can kinda be a hard thing for me, & I just really need to rely on my conversation skills today." Oh no.

Can't you use your finger injury as an excuse to pass this date on to someone who loves to talk & sing? Maybe like Saved By The Bell extra Caila?

Also, why has Twin's bandaged finger never been acknowledged? It's been like that the last couple episodes. Did the producers break it so they could originally tell her & her sister apart? WE WANT ANSWERS CHRIS HARRISON! WHAT THE FUCK ELSE ARE YOU DOING?

Bracelet picks Twin up on the pontoon boat, & you just know this is like when Fredo goes out fishing, this is the end. It's shocking his parents weren't more excited to meet her; it's every mom's dream to have her son bring home a club thumbed girl from Las Vegas whose job is "twin"over for brunch.

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His mom instantly "steals her for a second" & they go off to talk. Trailer park Taylor Swift thinks it's because the mom wants to get to know her better, but it's because the mom knows separating the weak, slutty gazelle away from the heard is the quickest way to kill it.

Twin starts word vomiting all over the mom who has all the warmth of an ice cube. She looks like the English teacher who would refuse to give you a hall pass or let you chew gum in class. Twin is nervously rambling like she's taken 7 adderalls. Hey Twin, stop stealing my signature look! Twin is pulling a Ms. South Carolina. She tells his mom that one of her biggest problems is her over thinking things. Oh sweetie, I promise you, you're not over thinking at all. If anything, you're under thinking.

She tells scary teacher that even though she's 23, she's absolutely ready to be married & have kids. She then says one of the most heartbreaking, second hand embarrassing lines I've ever heard on tv, "I feel like I'm so average at everything in my life but deep down in my heart, I've always known I'll be an above average wife & an above average mother," because thats what every mother in law wants to hear. Where are the Hallmark cards that say, "Thank you for always being an above average Mom," because I feel like that's a really untapped market.

She then continues digging her own grave even deeper by telling his mom her dream in life has always been to be an NFL cheerleader. Honestly, this is a much more ambitious dream than her piece of celery stick son's. His was just taking his girlfriend to meet his friends at a bar! Good for you Twin! Shoot for the stars! Or getting star tattoos on your lower back, either one! I'm very impressed she wants to be a cheerleader, just based on how much spelling is involved.

They start playing the "quirky, piano Zoey Deschanel music" which is never a good sign. Things went so well with the mom so time to go win over dad making this thing a done deal. She tells him how she wishes she could just watch movies all day long & that she hates vegetables. Movie buff & a foodie? Who says Vegas doesn't give you culture!?

Ben's mom pulls him to the side and breaks down in tears over how she doesn't think that Twin is at the stage in her life where she could settle down & begs him to make the right choice, aka dump all of them & just live with me and your father in our pond. I mean lake house forever! We can watch all the videos of your high school football games!

They get back on the pontoon boat, which for some reason production is still allowing him to drive. We see swans on the water which is fitting because this is Twin's swan song; it's over. He takes her back to the house & they sit on the dock. She thinks it's so they can go over all the great things his parents had to say about her. Instead, it's him telling her that he can't see her as his future wife. Bright side, he probably does see you as a stripper at his bachelor party so at least you'll sort of be involved with a wedding!

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All the girls in the pond house seem to be really sad about Twin leaving. Now who are they going to borrow lip smackers from? We mourn the death of Twin but at least Character Shoes is brightening up the mood by wearing overalls non ironically. So, she apparently stole the costume from when she starred in Oklahoma.

The 7-11 rose ceremony comes. The girls are freezing & you can see their breath. I'm sure Caila probably did that thing you did when you were little & pretended to smoke a fake cigarette & then giggled & said, "OMG you guys I would never. I'm a DARE graduate!"

Potato is having a really hard time making this decision he's had the last 8 hours to make while they set up lighting & craft service. He sits on the stoop of what looks like the clock tower in Back to the Future. Chris Harrison decides to earn his million dollar contract by jumping in & counseling him with, "Well Ben, what are you going to do?" Seriously, he has the easiest job in Hollywood besides Gulianna Rancic's personal chef.

Potato eliminates Becca the virgin, so this is the second time she's been rejected on National TV on the same show. He then tries to walk her out & hold her hand.

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I know that she's asking that to Ben, but it should have been what she said to herself after she signed the contract to be on this show again. Yes, why DID you do that? I know that you're technically a virgin but you've been fucked twice.

Becca, you're beautiful. You look like you should be the gold digger on a soap opera; you don't need this "software manager," which, for all we know, means he sells Rosetta Stone at a mall kiosk. You're a chiropractic assistant! You deal with insurance & changing the paper roll on the table, & you can do way better than this guy. Wait for a really old, rich guy to come in - listen you have access to their health & financial record so start putting more work into forcing a relationship there.

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I want to thank all of you who tagged me in Ben's instagram post about his bracelet. At first glance it just looks like a good Grindr profile pic letting people know he's into fisting. As soon as we saw this man jewelry on the show, we knew it was going to have some martyr meaning behind it - as most unattractive bracelets often do. You wear it so you have the opportunity to brag to everyone that you paid $15 for it, & it gives water to one of the countries that they would never take you to on The Bachelor. I'm not a monster. I think donating is a great thing. Do you know how many out of season clothes I've given to my housekeeper? I'm kidding, but not really, homegirl seriously cleans up in more ways than one.

I think donating is a wonderful thing & everyone should do it, but you can still give the money & not have to wear the terrible bracelet. It's like if you wore the "I donated blood" sticker & arm bandaid everyday. But now where's the charity for the chinese kids who are somewhere making THOSE fugly bracelets? It's an endless cycle. That's why everyone should just donate to Kanye's Go Fundme instead.

Tell me kittens your predictions- Who you want to win & more importantly who would you rather do, Ben or his Dad? I love you more than Twin loves movies!

The Bachelor

Bay of Pigs & Confusion

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We open up with last week's cliffhanger of Ben pulling Olivia away to confront her about what the lynch mob in BeBe dresses has said about her. Twin is still in freak out mode over the Teen Mom comment, which wasn't even offensive OR directed at her. Twin is thirstier than the Las Vegas desert that she & her toe ring crawled out of. "That is the most offensive joke I've ever heard" If that's the most offensive joke you've ever heard than you must only get network TV & have only ever watched The Bachelor, because you living in Vegas with your job as "Twin" should be the most offensive joke you've ever heard.

Pillow takes unlikable Cameron Diaz to the darkest hallway in the world & asks why she's not fitting in with the other girls & all I can focus on is his smashed in right elf ear (so we know what side of the bed he sleeps on.)

She says that the other girls seem more interested in braiding each others hair & painting each others nails- the only one I could see interested in painting peoples nails is half- Asian Character Shoes Calia. It's a good thing Mouth wasn't involved with the braiding or nail painting, because she's going to use the hair & nail clippings for an alibi & use the DNA to leave at a crime scene later of whomever Bracelet ends up with.

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Big Mouth Billy Bass says she would rather be in her room thinking "smart things"

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Bracelet takes this as a good enough excuse & they head back to the rose ceremony. Mouth has this to say to the other girls "come at me bro" All she would have to do is open her mouth and they would all fall in like the hole in 300. "I'm not going anywhere & the rest of the girls can SUCK IT"

I would do anything to have this delusional level of confidence as I have seen healers, therapists & tried multiple medications & still have never been able to achieve it. So I incredibly jealous, although I'm not jealous of how long it must take her to floss at night.

I have 2 theories during this 7-11 rose ceremony-

1)Not Teen Mom is a secret baby that young Tamra Barney gave up for adoption-the ages totally match up & the the location, I'm just saying.

2)You can always tell which girl is going to go home because its the girl whose hair looks the worst & who the lighting crew spent the least amount of time on

White Bread eliminated Jen(who?exactly.)She's the girl that last week was the first time we ever saw her & I'm still convinced she was a stand in PA that they just put in a Davids Bridal discount bridesmaids dress.. As no name is leaving no one even opened the door for her-thanks for the no help Chris Harrison, we wouldn't want you to excert yourself more than your contractually obligated 4 sentences an episode. Although they probably thought since she has been so invisible this whole time she would just walk right through the door like the forgettable ghost she is.

Bracelet then says "I'm so excited to announce we are going to a place with a lot of sun & a lot of water!!" -so basically the date is any place on Earth.

"We are going to the Bahamas!" All the girls shriek like they are being stabbed to death. I mean the Bahamas! Can you even believe it!?! You know, one of cheapest vacations you could possibly go on with $198 dollar round trip airfare? The glamour of it all, it's like the tropical version of Paris!

Next shot we have is the producers making the girls sit on a catamaran and scream"Bahamas!!!" like its an opening sequence of the Miss USA pageant, but at least those girls have a talent, they are America's future while these girls are America's quickly fading present.

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Once again the girls can not believe they are staying in a hotel!!! More screaming. You would think they were Amish & were on Rumpsinga. "I have NEVER seen a hotel like this!" Calm down, you're sharing a room with 100 thread count sheets, this hotel is Bahamian Motel 6 resort at best.

Single mom is on the balcony which is beautifully furnished by Big Lots, overlooking a beach with one umbrella on it. "When I picture a dream romantic vacation, this is it!" Yeah, because you're two annoying snot nosed kids aren't there.

The one on one date card is for Caila Character Shoes and it says "Lets see if our love is reel " they girls all scream "Reel is spelled "R-E-E-L, ya know, like a fishing reel! Instead of regular reel, so you're going fishing!!" Camera reel & fishing reel are spelled the same but it's not like you would record your date on videoooo oh wait. Never mind. Biggest question is how is Calia going to wear character shoes with a bikini?

As stuffed animal collector Cailia goes to the bathroom to sing and dance at herself in front of the mirror "I'm going on a date woo woo I'm going on a date" I realize that she probably used to dream of being in the group Kidz Bop but that the songs were too risqué for her. Meanwhile the harem sit in the pathetic hotel living room & complain about how she has already gotten a one on one & he has hasn't gotten a chance to know them. That's probably because he doesn't know the difference between any of you so how would he be able to put a name down. Do you think its a coincidence that character shoes,Olivia, Token Jubilee (RIP) & Jojo keep getting one on one dates? No its because they were the only ones we can tell apart! The whole time they are complaining all I can focus on is Olivia's hair & how its not reacting well to the humidity. She clearly forgot her John Frieda frizz control, her hair gets bigger & bigger with every shot. I wonder which one of these girls will be the first to get the classic white tourist predator braids- my money is on Vegas twin.

Leah (who?exactly.) I guess she's a party planner? Well apparently she's not life of her parties because I do not remember her & neither does Ben. She is crying about how she hasn't received a one on one as Altar Boy Ben enters the room to come get Build a Bear enthusiast & doesn't even notice whats her name is crying. I'm staring at her on my TV & I already forgot who she was, so I honestly don't blame him.

Pillow & Caila walk up to a boat & she says "I'm the luckiest girl alive, I just cant believe it" Well, you're Asian, and female, and alive so I guess technically you're doing better than most Asian girls. Pillow says probably one of my favorite sentences of all time "On our last date we did a ride along with Kevin Heart & Ice Cube so most of our date included 2 other men in the back seat" yes Ben, we all remember the first & only car ride you took with black guys. Also, way to make them sit in the back seat, real progressive America!

As soon as they sit down on the boat she automatically grabs his face and eats it like the piece of white bread that it is. Cut to back at the hotel we hear Leah (who?exactly) crying from inside the bathroom with the doors shut so they just zoom in on the paint on the wall which is pretty much the same as zooming in on Leah but the paint has more depth. She's crying that she's not on the one on one & that she's going to be sent home. I'm surprised the show even remembered to get her a ticket there.

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Caila's on the boat and she's either wearing the biggest chastity belt she must have borrowed from Becca or what is the most dangerous strap on I've ever seen.. They are "fishing" aka an intern is on a raft next to the boat attaching fish to the end of the line for them to reel up.

Altar Boy is pawing at Caila like a Persian man at a club who just bought you a free drink. She pulls up a fish that is the same size as her & looks like its one of of the mounted ones that they just stole off the wall at Red Lobster.

He makes her kiss the wet fish-if her eyes were closed she probably couldn't tell the difference between the fish & Ben.

Leah the Debbie Downer party planner crying in the bathroom "I live 10 minutes from him we could have just met at a bar but no the universe brought us here" well if you lived 10 minutes from him in the same shit hole town why didn't you just stalk him there once you found out he was going to be the bachelor? It would have been easy, he just hangs around his old elementary school! She's crying "why would he do this to me, why would he keep me here if he doesn't like me?! Why! Why is he keeping me here?!" OK you're not a Scientologist Leah, you know you're free to leave whenever you want right?

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Bracelet is now being so hansdy with Caila that he looks like a fucking octopus. We see his awful tattoo which is a paragraph long on his side, I cant tell what is says but I'm sure its some bible verse. Barf. Why wasn't this boat taken over by Somalian pirates? Then he could have talked to 3 black guys this year!

We move on the signature date of completely untouched food & Ben says that he wants to get to the other layers of Calia like she's a desperate little onion. "You smile a lot, I've noticed that about you, you seem like the type that smiles even through hard times"- which is exactly what being stuck with you on a date is Ben, hard times.

He says "I'm looking for someone to comeback & cry with me because I'll probably cry with them " I would be perfect for you Ben because I would be crying -with laughter at you. He asked her why she isn't being more vulnerable with him & why she hasn't cried on his shoulder. She says that she doesn't feel comfortable enough to do that & the she feels put on the spot. Good for you girl, this off brand Osmond has no right to demand for you to cry on cue for him. I don't understand how at the beginning of this episode he said he loves how smiley & positive she is & now he's complaining that she hasn't shown a negative side of herself or cried in front of him. Listen Marshmallow if you want someone depressing who isn't afraid to cry you're in luck because Leah is back at the motel starting a flood of her own tears in the bathroom.

I would have cried multiple times on the show, like as soon as I found out I had to be in a bikini in natural lighting on TV. Or that I had to be on a boat. Or as soon as I got out of the limo & saw that the guy I was competing for was wearing a bracelet.

Church face then retracts what he says "NO, I'm not telling you to be vulnerable & tell me your deepest darkest secrets" (literally that's exactly what you asked her to do) "do you really think I could be someone for you or not?"

" I think I really love you BUT.." -(Ben does not jump in with anything, instead he looks away & just stares at the giant conch shell on the table)

She then says that his biggest fear is that he's unlovable & her biggest fear is that she's going to hurt him. He asks how & she answers "I don't know, I just don't want to hurt you" I hope she does hurt him, emotionally. And physically.

Ben keeps asking "what are you feeling?" She keeps giving rambling, contradicting answers that make no sense.Ben says he's confused, then Caila says SHES confused by her own answers & that she's a confusing person.

She clearly has taken too many conflict resolution classes because she keeps starting every sentence with I FEEL. I am more confused by her answers than I am why anyone would be attracted to Ben. She says she knows she's falling in love because she's being understood,even though he has told her 7 times during this dinner that he doesn't understand what she's saying. She says this love & feeling is real. This is as real as the fish you caught today.

Ben says "I understand her now. Its attractive that she's confusing"........Yeah you're right, that is attractive! She's the human version of sudoku-boring,confusing & Asian.

The next day Leah (the crying party planner) has finally left the bathroom & gets ready to join the group date. She says how she's worried she doesn't have the energy for the date today bc she's not in the right mood, maybe because you cried like you just watched a marathon of Sophie's Choice & Schindler's List. Maybe instead of parties she could plan funerals because she's killing the energy in the room.

The parade of jorts meet pillow at the dock & once on the boat in the ocean we see lots of stingrays & I'm praying for a Steve Irwin situation. They start playing the Jaws theme music so naturally I thought that meant Olivia was going to "steal him for a second" but instead the procurers wacky date for this episode is having them swim with the wild swimming island pigs that I have seen a lot of pictures of on Pinterest..Pigs are one of the smartest animals on the planet so I have no idea why they would sign releases to be on this show. Mayonnaise says how they're going to feed them hot dogs, which isn't that considered cannibalism for the pigs?

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In the Pinterest pictures the pigs had always been small & cute. These are not Babe sized pigs at all. We thought the scariest scene was Olivia's showgirls mental breakdown but its this pig attack. These giant hogs are chasing after these 125 lb girls & they can't get away, they are surrounded by them on land & water -this is Pignadoe! Its like Animal Farm on a beach. Ben the " Pig Whisper" said to cross your arms over your body like a corpse to make them go away- if anything this attracted them more. The girls are running & screaming in fear, and one of them is screaming "Give them the wieners!!!!"As they literally throw the buckets at the pigs to try to get them to stop. It didn't. If anything it just made the pigs more mad because now they knew they didn't have any more wieners.

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Ben REALLY knows how to read the room, as the girls are literally screaming and running for their lives in the background he tells the camera "The girls are just having a BLAST with it! Some are even getting the pigs to chase them around!" No Ben, the pigs are literally chasing them, that's why they are screaming & cowering in fear and slipping on the rocks as they run to get away.

Twin wasn't involved in the group date from hell & is safely back at hotel, she may have missed out on Pignado but I'm sure we will see Twin on camera surrounded by wieners soon enough.

Back at pig beach all the girls are separately saying how awkward this date is getting, they didn't even have this negative of a reaction to the puppets.

Ben while riding a pool noodle in the middle of the pig ocean said how awkward he feels. really pillow? You're not the one who is in a bikini on national TV competing against 10 other bandage dresses for a guy wearing bracelet while getting attacked by pigs. (Notice how all the girls are trying to hide their bodies from the pigs and the audience under the water?good move.)

Floating pillow tells Jojo "You just get it" her response "what do I get?" just blank stare...He then finally says "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing" Um, that is ABUNDANTLY CLEAR. Also would your bracelet be very happy about that language? Right then we see a pig lurking to interrupt the one on one to "steal him for a minute" but this one has 4 feet.

Off brand Osmond goes up to funeral planner who is sulking on the beach, she is so depressing that not even the pigs want to be around her. Bland man walks up to her and gives her the first attention she's had since the rose ceremony a few days ago.

Pillow-Do you like pigs

Debbie Downer-Yeah I like pigs. I like to eat pigs

(signature Pillow blank stare)

She starts crying again, well there was a strong 2 seconds where her lip wasn't quivering. I know Bahamas has plenty of Jet Ski rental places & snorkeling tours but are their any prescription beach huts because she needs a mood stabilizer yahh mon!

Back at the house its "steal him for a second" time. Ben comes in & announces "Today seemed frustrating for most of you people" like he's the assistant manage & its a staff meeting at Best Buy. He grabs Becka the virgin & wants to know why she ignored him today. Oh I'm sorry Pillow that she wasn't available to fill your bottomless emotional pit of need,she was too busy running from pigs thanks to your stupid fucking arm trick.

Debbie Downer party planner says that Lauren B for basic is very confident & her relationship with Mayonnaise is progressing so she isn't going to sit by & let that happen. She pulls Pillow aside & tells him that Lauren B for basic isn't the same around him as she is around the other girls (she's exactly the same basic & forgettable) even though Debbie Downer has now become the shadiest palm tree in the Bahamas I do give her credit- she stopped crying,made a plan, and followed it up with massive action, Tony Robbins would be proud.

Right then B for Basic pops up and says "There's thunder!" AKA "Since its storming and I'm an adult,can I steal you for a second?"Pillow asks B for Basic if she's acting different with him she she looks at him with same confusion I have whenever Caila speaks.

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Basic goes back to the group & starts crying that someone told Marshmallow that she's fake & not here for the right reasons & why would someone do or say that. All the girls look around in confusion. Debbie Downer than gives the best performance of the night by saying "Who would do that? Like they said you specifically?" when asked if she did it she says "No of course not, I didn't say anything, I would never be the type of person to do that" Congratulations, you out crazied Olivia! You can say a lot about Olivia, and I have. But Olivia never lied to anyone- besides herself. Now I doubted Debbie Downers ability to plan anything, let alone a party, but she planned something greater- the greatest revenge scheme of all. Touche! Your Lexipro has finally kicked in! Debbie Downer & Dirty is relieved Lauren B for Basic didn't get the safety rose but says she's still worried abut her moving on so "I might have to do something more extreme" what more extreme thing can you do? Are you going to go back to the island kill one of the pigs & dump the blood on her at elimination?!

I like that she thinks her problems with Ben not remembering her are all Lauren B's fault. Its not like Lauren Basic stole your personify and above average looks.She not a magician, You never had either to begin with. She now goes to Ben's hotel room to "really make sure he knows that Basic isn't right for him" Who knew that the whole time she was in the bathroom locked away crying she was writing on the mirror (all psychos draw on a mirror)her fatal attraction plan-Olivia must have left her playbook lying around. After 15 minutes talking shit about Lauren to Ben, he tells her that he thinks it's best for her emotionally if she leaves. What he means is its best for him & his psychical safety if she leaves. White bread says he will never forget her, yes because you'll see her face hiding outside your bushes for the next year.

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The next day is the show down one on one date, The Mouth VS The Twin. They're on a boat & the water is so rough it looks like they're going through a category 2 hurricane. Olivia has been suspiciously quiet most of this episode so instead of talking to the cameras I guess she has gone back to talking to the voices in her head.

Her & Ben walk down the beach & the weather is so bad it looks like they have 7 Beyonce wind machines on them. They sit on an uncomfortable jagged rock and she tells him how she doesn't care about the other girls in the house being intimidated by her because "deep & intellectual things are my jam" I bet MENSA is really missing their most valuable member while she's away. She then tells him that she's in love with him and he looks at her the same way he looked at the conch shell.

Twin has spent this entire episode talking about Olivia like she ate her other twin & both of her obese dachshunds. Twin is as obsessed with mouth as mouth is obsessed with pillow. He talks to twin but its not memorable because she's not nearly the deep, intellectual person that Olivia is. He looks into slutty Taylor Swifts eyes & he knows what he must do.

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Mayonnaise takes Olivia down the beach & tell her that he's so thankful she was open with her feelings & her love-but that he cant reciprocate those feelings. So he breaks up with her & literally just leaves her next to a jagged rock by the water. She is shell shocked. Her face is as white as a ghost except for her Rudolph red nose. She has gone into a catatonic state which I guess was Gods way of sedating her before she threw herself off the ledge, literally. Bracelet and Twin get back on the boat and just leave Mouth on the island by herself & her 9 personalities. My heart is breaking for her, but more importantly for myself. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO NOW?!? I HAVE TO WATCH THESE FUCKING PIECES OF CELERY FOR HOW MANY MORE WEEKS?! That just went our entire entertainment. It was all left on that Castaway fucking island. What are we going to do now? We are left with literally the most boring,whitest, people in the world.

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Pillow in his Men's WearHouse suit stands on a cliff in a hurricane & looks out dramatically. I was praying for a tsunami that sadly never came.

We go to the 100 flowers rose ceremony & Michigan kindergarten teacher (the one who made out with the puppet) gets eliminated, she didn't even get to take home Little Ben as a consolation prize, as if this isn't sad enough, she now has to go back to being a kindergarten teacher in Michigan.

I light this prayer candle in honor of Olivia, our entertainment goddess. You were our Kelly Binsimone on Scary Island. To the best there ever was or ever will be, be free our big mouthed angel, I know you're in a better place, filled with deep & intellectual things. You will never be forgotten.

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The Bachelor

Aiy Dios Olivia!

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We open the episode with the whitest man alive screaming, "Viva La Mexico!" in his string HOPE bracelet. You can tell Ben is one of those people who pronounces it "quesa-dill-a" & really loves it when mariachi bands play. I know this isn't a political blog but after what we subjected those poor Mexican City locals to on last nights episode, we better let every damn immigrant in to our country who wants to be here. Although, after that display last night, I wouldn't blame them for joining the rest of the world in hating Americans. I mean, even I hate us after watching this show.

The girls plane lands & as they're being shuttled to the hotel, one of the no name basics squawks, "So are you guys excited to see Ben?" I just wish one of them at that moment would have been honest & screamed, "I'm just excited for a free trip that I didn't even have to put out for!"

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The girls get to their hotel and start screaming like they're getting their hair chopped off. They can't believe they're at the Four Seasons in Mexico because they have already forgotten that just yesterday they were at the grand penthouse suite at Aria! The closest these girls have ever come to a Mexican resort is watching the Sex & The City Movie.

Olivia says, "There's no doubt in my mind that I love Ben. He doesn't validate people the way he validates me. I think our love language is reserved for us." Their love language is a mix of sign language because you can't hear it & pig Latin-because it's completely made up.

We find the one on one date card & it goes to Amanda (Who? Exactly.) Amanda is the tiny one with the voice of field mouse. The date card says, "Let's put all our eggs in one basket." Amanda is a 25 year old mother of 2 so at least we know her eggs are fertile.

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Amanda starts in with, "I really am looking forward to this one on one time with potato. It's been really hard being away from my kids blah blah blahhhhhhhh." I CAN'T. I would honestly rather watch Olivia's showgirl seizure than watch your single mom martyrdom. At least what Olivia did was honest.Hey woodland sprite, no one asked you to leave your kids! You weren't drafted into the war, you weren't sent to prison, you voluntarily auditioned to leave your winy, runny nosed kids to go live in a house with 20 other bandage dresses & compete for a slice of white bread who was a complete stranger in a tacky mansion. No one wants to hear about the fake guilt you feel about your free vacation away from your sad life of being condemned to the car pick up line & stuffing their Frozen Elsa backpacks with nut free snacks. You have two young daughters, so what a great influence is on them that one day when they grow up, if they're white & skinny enough, that maybe they too one day will be able to compete on national television against other women for a guy to maybe give them attention.

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Cut to Olivia saying how shocked she is that Amanda got the card because, "She does have CHILDREN...." She says "children" like it was herpes. The way Olivia is talking about the kids I'm afraid there is going to be an Amber Alert out for them & that she is going to keep them hidden away in her mouth. Let's be honest, if they're in there we'll never find them.

The next morning we see pillow skulking down the hotel hallway like it's The Shining. He can barley contain his excitement as he tells the camera pointing to his boy scout watch, "It's 4:20 in the morning!The girls aren't up yet, but I'm going to go in and wake them up!!! THIS is what I'm here for, to just like, see these girls in their element, ok let's go!" as he whispers to the camera & gives a hand signal to follow him as he sneaks around the corner. You're not American Sniper, you're a bracelet wearing marshmallow who hasn't done a prank like this since back at Christian youth camp when you snuck over to the girls cabin to switch around all the nightstand bibles. Oh Ben. You are TOO MUCH!!!

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Also what the fuck "See these girls in their element"?! I guarantee if you snuck into my room at 4:20AM on national television when I'm sleeping with no makeup on in the free t-shirt I got from the bank, that would be the last thing that you did see because I would rip your eyeballs out of your doughy little head and put them as beads on a string for me to wear as a bracelet as a warning for any guy who ever tried to pull that shit again.

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Ben busts into their hotel room like he's on the lamest episode of Cops ever. He goes up to the bed where they're sound asleep & shines a flashlight right in their eyes, like these girls don't already act like deer in the headlights enough let's literally scare & blind them at the same time. The girls start screaming like Freddy Kruger is in their bedroom which would honestly be less terrifying than what's happening. The girls have the same look of horror & confusion that we, as the audience have, watching this show every week. Michigan Puppet Rapist is wearing a retainer (so don't let it snag on Little Ben's fabric) & Evil Cameron Diaz is afraid of her "dragon breath"-I don't blame her for having bad breath, can you imagine how hard it is to clean & floss 123 teeth?

He goes to wake up single mom for their early morning surprise ambush date & she awakes perfectly made up like she's Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids. She has her face fully beat like she just got out of a car with Chris Brown. I will give it to Amanda, your birth control game may be non existent but at least your makeup is on point, she was smart & went the Dolly Parton route. In case you didn't know, Dolly Parton sleeps with a full face of makeup, false eyelashes & even has a sleep wig because she said if for some reason there is ever a fire in the middle of the night, she doesn't want to run out & not look like Dolly Parton. If you're going to be a contestant on this you need to expect the producers to pull some wacky & embarrassing stunt like this. That's why I would bring a sleep apnea machine, even if I didn't have any makeup on you wouldn't be able to tell because I would just look like I was a character from Top Gun.

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Single Mom & Gringo go on a morning hot air balloon ride in Mexico because that is one of the whitest things you could possibly do. I guess all of the shows helicopter ride groupons had expired & they couldn't figure out how to get a hot tub in the air, so they had to settle for this. I think the producers chose a hot air balloon ride hoping this would encourage some more sob story bullshit of "kids LOVE balloons & I have 2 kids! And it's just so hard to be in the balloon and not have them here in this tiny basket with me because they make me feel like I can fly just like this balloon does!" I don't know what word Polly Pocket uses more, "Kid" or "Like." Either way, basic Tinkerbell is annoying.

We now continue the date in a completely open field, because that's what white people on the cover of Nicholas Sparks books do, sit together in a field side by side. Clearly they don't watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, have they learned nothing from Yolanda's Lyme disease?! Single mom looks like the bait girl they use on To Catch A Predator. She keeps telling Ben there's so much more to her that she's afraid to tell him & that he doesn't know her whole story & she's afraid how he's going to react. Listen teen gymnast, the only thing possibly scarier than you having 2 kids is you having 2 kids and those stupid little family stickers on the back of your mini van. Stop trying to act like you're exciting enough to have secrets; I doubt you'll ever watch 50 Shades of Grey.

We head to the one on one date of the signature uneaten formal meal & enough candles to be a fire hazard (literally we could solve world hunger if we just donated all the uneaten date food on The Bachelor). She starts telling him how she found texts from other women on her ex husband's phone & how he was going on dating sites to meet people while they were married, which is insane. He should have just joined a dating show on TV & at least gotten to travel and spend time away from his family. She tells Ben how she wants him to know how even though she's divorced, she takes marriage seriously, even more seriously now that she's on this show because if anything says you're dedicated to marriage, it's going on a show with a 17% success rate. Honestly, I think she had her kids to suck the youth out of their bodies like on Hocus Pocus. She looks barely legal! She shouldn't be on The Bachelor, she should be on some commercial sponsored by Joe Francis that airs at 2AM on the Playboy channel.

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The next day we have a group date & Blanco says how we are going to emerge ourselves in Mexican culture - are we hiding from drug lords & human traffickers? No, of course not! We go back to Ben's favorite place in the whole world - a school! We are in an ESL class, ya know like the ones that are taught at your community center? These dates get better & better. A man who looks like the dad from the movie Selena tries to teach them Spanish. Helen Keller was deaf & blind & she learned to speak. These girls have all heard a Pitbull song so I don't know what their fucking problem is. Ben makes them all recite telenovela lines to him in front of the class. It's very odd, the more Ben speaks Spanish the whiter he becomes. By the end of this date, he is going to be as translucent as Anderson Cooper. Finally, queen cherries Jubilee stands up for her best Charro/Sophia Vergara impression. Ben tells her in Spanish, "I want to kiss you," & her response is, "That's what you said to the last four girls." Si Senortia, that IS the same line he said to the last quatro. This does not go over well with the rest of the harem. They do not like it when one of the other would be sister wives disrespects the main cult leader. You do not speak to a man that way! Know your place! And that place does not have humor.

Next, Cankles Mc'Dragon Mouth gets up, why does she have to speak in Spanish when they already have their OWN love language? Turns out Fat Toes is fluent in crazy as well as Spanish, so each one of her personalities has a talent.

During this group date I see a girl I literally haven't seen this entire season. At first, I thought she was a tourist who snuck her way into the shot but then she got in the van with them. Kudos to you, Ashley? You have managed to float along being completely forgettable but able to coast enough to get all the trips & travel size hotel shampoos. You should be a spy because you're completely invisible.

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We now come to a Mexican restaurant where the girls are going to cook recipes that are complexity in Spanish. Jubilee & Olivia fight over who will be partners with Ben & Ben stands there like the piece of celery he is. Jubilee eventually backed down because even though she was in the army she's smart enough enough to know that World War 3 will be Olivia, a kitchen knife & whoever tries to steal Ben as her burrito making partner. Olivia & Ben walk around the restaurant taking tequila shots & eating crickets like they're salsa chips? I shouldn't be surprised Olivia could eat crickets with out batting a crazy eye. She could eat a dragon fly with that mouth and not even feel it.

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After he said this line I wanted to use his face as the spatula on the burning skillet. THIS TYPE OF LANGUAGE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE FROM A POTENTIAL HUSBAND.

This knock off Top Chef challenge is pointless. Let's not pretend Ben's some foodie. He's from Indiana, give him a bologna Miracle Whip sandwich & he'll be thrilled.

At the cocktail party Jubilee is annoyed & impatient like a girl whose been stuck in a bathroom line for 20 minutes. When envelope finally pulls her aside for her allotted 10 minute slot, she asks him if he even remembers the one on one date they went on a few weeks back. "Do you even remember me?!" Yeah, Ben, do you even remember her? Or are you confusing her with another veteran, Haitian orphan in the house?

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Ben takes about 5 minutes of trying to dance around it but finally tells her that he doesn't see things "continuing to exist for them" & tells her he thinks it's better if they say goodbye tonight. Well at least Jubileee got an honorable discharge, and she didn't have to stand in a formation in a cocktail dress at the end waiting to get a rose. She was personally broken up with so that's something!

Jubilee cries that, "I'm the most unlovable person in the world right now!" No Juibs, the most unlovable person in the world said this.

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Ben comes back to the group of hyenas in Bebe dresses & announces that Jubilee has gone home. You can see the girls are having a hard time concealing their excitement. They rally around Ben and applaud him for his courage and bravery throughout this whole process. They're right, it does take a lot of strength to break up with a veteran. Think about all those free drinks at weddings he could have gotten with her purple heart?!

Olivia gets the safety rose which I guess is good for his physical safety of not having to sleep with the knife he stole from the restaurant under his pillow. When he gives the rose to Olivia, she holds it like she's Anne Hathaway holding her Oscar, completely unfazed by how unliked she is. It doesn't matter - she has her precious.

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The next morning it's the one on one date with Michigan kindergarten teacher who got to first base with "Little Ben" WINK WINK. ABC you are so bad!! They go into a store and start trying on silly hats.... yep. That's the date because we are in Mexico so we wanted to soak up the culture by being in a hot air balloon, an ESL class, a Mexican restaurant with the authenticity of a SeñorFrogs & now trying on funky hats. Where is El Chapo when we need him?

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In walks the designer of all the clothes they have been making fun of and he takes them to the back "workshop," aka sweatshop. He tells them it's Mexico City's fashion week happening right now & invite them to the show happening in one hour. Kindergarten teacher is thrilled! "I can't believe I'M going to a fashion week!!!" Wait there aren't many fashion shows in Michigan? That's odd.

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The fashion designer has the melba toast slices walk in his fashion show with real models. It's sort of like when the designers bring their kids to walk out at the end of the show & everyone politely claps because what the fuck else are you going to do? Ben is wearing a shirt that is half white collar/half Joesph & the Amazing Technicolored Dream Coat (I bet Caila character shoes is dying that she missed this). It's so weird they didn't show Anna Winter or Kim Kardashian, I bet they never miss a "Mexico City Fashion Week"

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At the cocktail/elimination party single mom tells us how she had a dream about her kids, oh I was worried she had forgotten them because it had been about ten minutes since the last time she mentioned them. SM is telling us the pickup/drop off schedule of her ex husband which is riveting when Olivia says, "It reminds me of a Teen Mom episode,"- in her defense they do have a lot of pick up, drop off scheduling. Everyone stares at her and you can see they're shooting rose thorns out of their eyeballs & Cankles can tell she put her fat toes into her Stephen Tyler mouth. In defense of Olivia, which you know I don't do very often, or even at all- I don't think what she said was that bad. If someone asked you to name a show off the top of your head that dealt with messy exes & children I can't think of another show besides Teen Mom. I know there's other family shit out there but Teen Mom is the only one I have ever watched. This comment really insults 50% of the slutty Taylor Swift twins, I still don't know which one he kept. Trailer park twin is OUTRAGED by this comment, probably because her mom was a teen mom, and also because she's 23 & realizes she missed out on her chance to be a star of that show. Can you imagine the MTV gold of teen mom TWINS!??!

Not teen mom tells Olivia, "You remind me of Snooki from Jersey Shore who was a hot mess all the time!" So now it's just the girls calling each other different MTV shows. If I was there I would hope someone would call me Daria.

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Twin says she has to go to the bathroom. Then runs to tell Ben what happened with Olivia & Not Teen Mom. Slutty Twin starts crying as she tells him - twin, this didn't even involve you! You're thirstier than that dyed from a box blond hair of yours. Twin says how she doesn't like anything fake, especially fake people, so I guess she hates how her identical twin looks. Crying twin calls eliminated twin hysterical complaining about Olivia, like doesn't your twin already know whats happening? Isn't that a twin power besides trying to get the same guy to sleep with both of you? Ben goes & gets not teen mom to hear her talk about Olivia. He even asks Ashley, the one I swear I had never seen till tonight. I don't know why the girls aren't more mad at Ashley still being there, who are you?! Are we sure she isn't a craft service girl who is just sneaking g into their suitcases & putting on cocktail dresses for the ceremonies?!

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"Raise your hand if you've been personally victimized by Olivia"

All the girls are saying Olivia is a bully, but now they're all bullying her. They're the ones who have called her fat toes, said she had bad breath, made fun of her for her performance, granted that's all the stuff I've done on this blog but I'm not in the house. And all these girls are bullying us as the audience out of good television! We didn't even get a rose ceremony tonight because it ended with a cliffhanger of Ben asking to speak to Olivia privately after the sister wives sorority all went & separately told Ben how they had been personally victimized by Olivia. I can't. The Teen Mom thing was so wrong because at least on that show the moms STAY with their kids instead of abandoning them to fly around the world with a strange man they've never met.

Tell me in the comments what MTV personality you are & what we will do for 2 hours Monday nights without Jubilee or Olivia's mouth?

I would like to give all my roses to Kirstin George who is an angel on Earth & helped edit my blog for me! That's why this post didn't have a million commas in it & misspelled words. I'm as thankful for you as Olivia's dentist is for her!

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