The Bachelor

Plain Cheeseburger In Paradise

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Well Kittens, after 507 hours of our lives having to sit here & watch Oatmeal & a bunch of product placement for various 3 star hotel destinations, it's finally here! The finale that no one has been waiting for- Bracelet is finally going to add a ring to his accessory collection.

We open with Kris Jenner’s friend Chris Harrison sitting with a live studio audience of excited soccer moms who missed out on getting to be a part of Oprah's audience so this is the second best thing. Chris says how this is the first time in White Bland Man with a Rose history that the bachelor has ever said "I love you" to two girls. Since last week Potato said that he would marry the girl next week if he could, they have flown both families & have them backstage as well as Pillow’s hometown pastor from Pawnee. Cut to backstage as we see a pastor pretending to read the bible and fake write notes on a yellow legal pad, BARF. If this is the same pastor who picked the scripture that Pillow got that terrible tattoo of, than he should be fired.

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Chris Harrison says if everything goes according to plan then he will be married live on this stage before the night is over & then we pan over to wedding archway that looks like they stole it from the local high school drama club set. Did we spend too much money flying out the families’ first class? Or did the archway budget get spent on all the wine JoJo's mom aka Mamma Elsa's twin drink? Get it together Bachelor.

So now we get to start the viewing party, the audience goes wild, while I fall asleep in my makeup petting my cat, which is why I'm watching this & writing it the day after.

We have pretty much the exact same scene twice; just one is a much hotter version. Both girls-Lauren Basic & JoJo Isla Fisher are walking around the Sandals resort in top knots & Forever 21 jorts talking about how this is the moment their lives have been changed forever & they can't imagine ever feeling this way about another man. Lauren Basic is still walking around like she has diaper rash, or she is just sore from that 6 1/2 minutes of missionary with Marshmallow in the Sandals fantasy suite.

We have lots of cut-a-ways to Bracelet walking around in shorts & mandals (barf) as if Churchface couldn't get any less attractive to me. I'm literally counting down the seconds till I see him in those footie toe runner socks. The producers are going for him looking torn & confused, to me he just looks like he's doing a diarrhea commercial in a tropical setting trying to find the nearest bathroom.

He's saying that he can't imagine saying goodbye to either of these women because he loves both of them. But how is he supposed to propose to one when he is in love with someone else & what if he makes a mistake & chooses the wrong one. Well thankfully that's what they have divorce for! Plus, there are always affairs! I'm kidding, but not really.

Bracelet goes to meet his parents at a near by vacation villa & he's wearing a polo that is even whiter than he is so its hard to tell where he ends & the shirt begins. He tells his mom who looks like the teacher who would never give you a late pass that he's in love with two women. The look on her face is the same as if he told her he just ran over the mailbox, she just purses her lips and looks off at the husband like "ugh, I guess we have to deal with THIS now, just great, another thing on top of my day!"

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In her confessional she says quote " *eye roll & deep sigh* First of all it's really disturbing to me."

-I'm really mad they cut her off because I wanted to hear what her second & third things were!

Lauren Basic pulls up & gets out holding a bouquet that looks like she stole it from the front desk lobby of the Sandals check-in desk, when they weren't looking & brings a bottle of wine. Umm you're not meeting JoJo's mom, plus I'm pretty sure Bachelor has your alcohol covered since they have on the last 79 dates you have had on this show, you have always miraculously had alcohol. Even in that abandoned field that miraculously had a hot tub in the middle of it with no electrical outlets for miles; there was a bubbling hot tub & bubbling champagne. But sure, have the producer’s hand you wine to bring to make it look like you are a regular girl on a regular "Meet the Parents" date. Totally casual. And I see you finally changed out of your Britney Spears ala 2007 Kevin Federline shorts & had the producers pick up some Neosporin when they got that Boone’s Farm bottle, because you seem to be walking much better.

Bracelet & Lauren Basic sit on the couch and the whole time they're talking to his parents he doesn't take his hand from rubbing her lower back, as if he's rubbing massage oil into a lower back tattoo. Remember what I told you about him being an undercover octopus? Don't let that Pillow face fool you he is a secret perv, all boring church guys are. I don't even want to know where that bracelet has been.

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Looking at his dad just confirms my suspicions that Ben is Peter Brady's son. Basic & Mom go outside & what I think was originally just his mother reaching for her much needed glass of wine, Lauren mistook for her wanting to hold hands, so she held his moms hand the whole time. Completely normal to do the first time you're meeting & talking to your boyfriend’s mother. Almost as normal as meeting your boyfriend & competing for his affection against 29 other women on national television. His mother tells her "Ben can be pretty intense, he can get pretty worked up about things," this is as hard to believe as Ben Carson being involved in that knife fight. I just can't picture him angry, intimidating, or even sending back food at a restaurant, even if it wasn't what he ordered.

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The next day is JoJo's turn to tap dance in front of the WASPS that produced this completely average Marshmallow that you could meet at any Chili’s bar across America. She shows up with a conch shell full of flowers, so obviously some PA got lazy & went to whatever gift shop was closest. Oh what the hell, she's the second date so we already know how this is going to end up, so there's a $13 spending cap.

We have déjà vu talking to his parents with almost the same conversation (minus the lower back rubbing). Just the same "From the minute she stepped out of the limo bla bla bla," "helicopter ride bla bla bla," "We have such a connection I haven't felt with anyone else" - he forgot to add the part "besides with the girl I brought here yesterday who I said the exact same things about who also held my moms hand for 2 hours no big deal."

On JoJo's one-on-one with the mom there was no sweaty hand holding, which is sad for the mom because that’s the closest she’s ever going to come to a Cartier bracelet. They did talk about how Pillow told his parents how safe he feels with JoJo & how she feels the same way (Remember how she's the one who always sounds like a war camp refugee about not feeling safe, I have a guard up, I cant let my guard down, I have a tortured past). I give JoJo a lot of credit, I wouldn't feel safe about the outfit she chose to go meet his parents, yeah it's cute- but a silk floral dress outside with no bra in the wind & it's a string tie back? Just like that Instagram quote I saw once, “You're braver than you think & stronger than you know.”

After she leaves, he goes back in to hopefully have his parents give him the answer on which girl he should marry, like its deciding what restaurant to order dinner from because he just can't decide what he feels like, he's split down the middle! The parents both say the same polite, rehearsed non-answers Bracelet has been saying about them this whole season "they're both so great, I don't know how you'll choose!" Does anyone have an opinion in this family besides about which city & high school football team is the best?

His mom says in her confessional that she's worried that her son, "I hate that at this point he doesn’t know who to plant his stake with.” 1) That's a horrible expression. 2) He already planted his stake last week with 3 girls in the fantasy suites.

We go on our last one-on-one dates & this seems like our 7th boat date of the season. Seriously he could have become a licensed captain by now, he probably knows more about boating at this point than software sales. I can see why Potato likes Lauren Basic so much, not just because her favorite food is butter so they naturally go perfect together, but because all their dates are just spent with their faces touching, staring at each other & her telling her how much she loves him & how wonderful she is. She is a blonde affirmation mirror "You're perfect," "You're so lovable," "You're so handsome," shocking a man would fall in love with a girl who just thinks he's wonderful, wants to talk about him all the time, & love his parents & his shithole town. Then Pillow starts talking about he's worried because things are SO perfect & that he's afraid things are to good to be true. Ughhh he literally finds something to whine about with every girl. He says how he knows what it's like during hard times with JoJo. Bummer you don't have two brothers who want to kill him, Lauren.

Pillow & his family just rave about how elegant & well-spoken Lauren is. She's nice, but her voice never goes above the volume or speed of the NPR women of the "Schwetty Balls Sketch,” I have never heard her say a sentence longer than 8 words. She mostly just sits there staring at Marshmallow's blank eyes and then puts his head on her shoulder like he's a baby as he nuzzles her. Barf. I wouldn't really say it's elegant, I think the word you're looking for is submissive in which case, yes I absolutely agree.

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The next day is JoJo's date & it's pretty much the exact same one she went on last week with the waterfall, except this time there’s a rope swing. I like that producers know that JoJo's looks & Sofía Vergara-esque body type lend themselves more to bouncing & Lauren Basic’s flat boyish figure is good for sitting on boats. JoJo's favorite word is afraid, her 2nd is babe- which she calls him every 5 seconds. They make out in the water & he seems way more passionate with JoJo than he does with Basic. He acts like JoJo is his sexy secretary he has at his "software job" whatever the fuck that is & how he kisses Basic is like it's his wife he's had for years & already have 3 kids together.

JoJo seems super confident about how things are going till she asks him "So you are feeling good about things?" "That’s a loaded question,” Ben says. Uh Oh. Yesterday when Basic asked that same thing you answered, "Great!" The lack of excitement in Bracelet’s voice is making JoJo nervous & she says, "I'm starting to wonder about what's going on his head & what he's having second thoughts about." Yeah I can't imagine what else is going on; maybe he has a big PowerPoint due at work.

Later that night he comes to her room & she says how today made her so nervous & she asks him if he knows who he's in love with more. He says he honestly has no idea but what he does know is that in 2 months she has become his best friend. JoJo that isn't saying much, the only friends he has are the underprivileged children at that youth center.

They go sit in the bathroom & close the door but still have their mic packs on. One thing I don't understand about all reality shows is why all the people think magically running to the bathroom & shutting the door makes them think that they are safe. Nope, your mics don't shut off within 3 ft of a toilet, we still hear you, and now you're subtitled so it's even clearer.

Ben yet again tells JoJo he’s in love with her and how hard this all is, but JoJo then forces him to admit that he told Lauren he loves her too. She starts quietly sobbing & I wish I knew if her mascara was running. I feel bad for JoJo because she honestly thought she was the only one he broke the shows rules for by telling her he loved her. “I feel like I always have to compete with other people. I’m so tired of competing,” as much as I love her & think she is way out of his league (because she is) girl, it's a show about competing. Even though I can't imagine how tiresome competing for that bowl of sugarless oatmeal for 2 months would be.

After he leaves he's red & crying like he's the one about to be broken up with on national TV. “I’m lost…I’m a lost man right now. Emotionally, I’m lost. In terms of what to do, I’m lost. I’m lost.” Jesus Christ, get your youth fellowship leader compass out.

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Do you know how hard it is to find someone I barely hate to go on a date with? Let alone want to be in a relationship with? And you're telling me you have found two people you're in love with completely equally down the middle 50%? I just can't.

The next day we meet with corporate sponsor/ Bachelor jeweler Neil Lane. He opens up a brief case of rings & it goes like this-

NL: So what is she like, is she vivacious, what do you feel about her?

Potato: Uuummmm......(long pause, looks off into distance avoiding eye contact like he's forgotten what their names are)

NL: You've chosen someone?

Potato: (Blank stare & awkward mouth twitch like when the cashier asks if you want to donate a dollar to a charity)

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He just keeps doing heavy Lamaze breathing at the rings like he's 5 inches dilated. I think he's just looking at the rings going "eeny meeny miny moe" because the tactic, when he woke up with his magic 8 ball popped up "ask again later," didn't help. I'm surprised he even picks a ring because I expected him to propose with his high school class ring. Instead he picks this- honestly I think a ring pop is more attractive than this, hell I would rather a ring worm than this shit on my finger.

The girls put on their gowns & JoJo is giving us that Texas pageant realness. Her gown is a great color, cut, beaded, her tan & boobs are perfection, and Laurens is just blue. They get into their separate helicopters & Bracelet stands there in the middle of a little stream and bridge like it's the front of a Benihana’s. “A woman I love is gonna arrive here and I’m gonna break her heart.” You're right, YOU ARE UNLOVABLE.

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She gets out of the helicopter escorted across the grass by Chris Harrison who is doing his 10 minutes of work- I give her credit for looking so graceful walking across grass in heels, in a gown when you think you're about to be proposed to or be broken up with on national TV. Either the best or worst thing in your life is about to happen in front of everyone & you have to focus on not falling. OMG the pressure, I would have a breakdown. She walks up to him & starts “from the moment I met you, you instantly intrigued me. You have continued to blow me away-" she goes on for 2 minutes about how in love she is with him & how wonderful he is and how much their time together has meant to her. At no point around the 45-second mark did you think it would be a good time to have her wrap the speech up like they do at the Oscars? Especially because you're about to dump her & discredit everything she just said? No? Ok cool.

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-How could you not tell even before the helicopter landed just by the look on his face?!-

JoJo, girl. How did you not the see the look on his face while you walked up this 75 foot tiny little Benihana bridge? He has the worst poker face ever, you should have seen this was not the face of a Potato about to be engaged, you should have walked up & said "My brothers are going to burry you on our 100 acre property & I love them too much for them to go to jail so this is over" & get in the helicopter & ride off like that terrible Natalie Portman Dior perfume commercial? Quit before you're fired!!!

You can see when he opens his mouth & starts talking she knows it's over. “I didn’t know if I could find love. I found it with you…but I found it with somebody else more.” Her heart is broken & she's more upset that he blind-sided her & is confused. He keeps holding her hand & saying that he is still in love with her and she keeps trying to lean back & pull her hand away and he holds onto it like its Lauren B & his Mom.

He asks her if he can walk her out- once again why doesn't any girl say, "Fuck no Bracelet." He keeps telling her how he's so in love her & she's his best friend & how in any other time he would choose her because she's perfect. She tells him that she trusted him & he shouldn't have told her those things if he was going to do this & that this wasn't right for him to do. Once again Pillow is a SEEMINGLY nice guy, which I think is even worse than outright bad guys. Because at least with bad guys you know what you're getting into & they don't make any promises, with seemingly good guys it's always worse because it comes out of nowhere so you didn't have time to prepare & book therapy appointments in advance.

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Pillow is crying (barf). I know I've said this before but seeing a grown man cry makes my vagina shrivel up & die. I'm Italian & very emotional but the only time I want to see the guy I'm dating cry is when there is the death of an immediate family member (obviously that includes pets) but those are the only times it acceptable.

He's crying about how JoJo is too good for him, well at least he's right about something. He walks around long enough for the makeup department to come redo his powder from him crying & give him eye drops to make him look refreshed & happy as if he's bipolar & the last gut-wrenching scene never happened at all! JoJo who?

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-He has a woman's butt-

He gets an iPhone & calls Basics dad & asks for his permission to propose to his daughter. He gives a victory woo-hoo dance, which is probably the same one he used to do when he scored a touch down.

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Basic goes up the bridge & tells Oatmeal that their first kiss is the last first kiss she wants to have- which is a line from the Will Smith movie Hitch. She then says how he's "Her person" Which is from Grey's Anatomy. (She's said this a couple times, I wonder if she originally said "You're my lobster- which is from Friends but they made her change it since Grey’s Anatomy is an ABC show). So Basic is just talking in all movie & TV quotes, I'm waiting for her to say "You complete me" & "I want you to draw me like one of your French girls."

He tells her he wants to wake up everyday & kiss her face & love her & "kiss her a lot." Well that’s good, because that’s pretty much all you have done on your dates. You & JoJo actually talked & kissed. You & Basic just looked at each other & kissed. He gets down on one knee & proposes and she says "oh god" which is what I would say too after I saw that ring. Not in a good way. They just say back & forth to each other "You're my person.” The only conversation these two do have is echoing things back to each other like parrots. Staring, kissing ,echoing ,repeat.

Potato: It feels good

Butter: It feels really good

Potato: Really Good

Butter: We're engaged

Potato: Were engaged

He picks her up & carries her in his arms to the helicopter & I'm sure they fly over JoJo's limo, as she sobs inside.

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The now go to the live after show & we bring Bracelet out first & hear him say the same thing we heard him talk about for the last 2 hours. He says how he came down to the decision of figuring out whom to choose by picking the girl he absolutely couldn't picture living his life without. Well I'm glad he feels that way, because the last 2 episodes he was still "I can't decide, I can't picture my life without both of these women with me, equally, both of them."

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Then we bring JoJo out who looks amah-zing! She is wearing a fabulous dress that has a perfect cleavage window that I don't think her brothers would be that happy about. I love that this whole season JoJo really nailed classy/sexy. Meanwhile Potato is wearing a plaid ill-fitting suit from Burlington Coat Factory, a checkered shirt & a striped tie. He is the most indecisive person on the planet, you only got to propose to one woman, but there's no contractional limit to how many patterns you can wear on TV- so fuck it, I'm going to do it all!

They both say how watching it is surreal & brings back so many memories, Helen Keller knows this. Can we cut to something we don't know or haven't seen? Like JoJo’s mom drinking from the bottle the minute her daughter was broken up with on national TV or her brothers’ reaction watching him make out with their sister under the waterfall?

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Chris Harrison announces the new Bachelorette & the Internet was wrong & it's not Character Shoes Caila, it's Jojo! THANK YOU BABY JESUS!!!!!!! The audience goes crazy & Bracelet stands up & claps but doesn't seem very pleased. He has a look on his face that says, "Just because I don't want to play with that toy anymore doesn't mean I want other kids to be able to play with it."

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-JoJo this mortifying limo entrance the producers forced upon you was fitting because you were the only unicorn in the group & I hope you find your non bracelet wearing stallion on The Bachelorette-

We send JoJo back & now it's Basics turn to come out on stage to be with Bracelet. She is wearing white lace & Chris Harrison keeps teasing that they could be getting married live, as they keep cutting to his pastor backstage as he fake reads a bible.

Chris Harrison asks if they'll have the wedding live here because ABC really wants to save some money instead of having to pay for a whole production. He gets up & hugs his pastor, he then grabs Basic makes her stand up, makes her whole family come out, & re-proposes with the same hideous ring. UGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGUGHUGH

And now at home in life size playhouse Character Shoes is stabbing her JoJo & Basic voodoo dolls for taking her chance to be Mrs. Higgins & the next Bachelorette.

Well Kittens, it's been a long, not very bumpy, scenic or exciting ride. At least one thing was consistent the whole season, even up to the proposal-his terrible taste in jewelry.

I was a Bachelor virgin, this was my first season & like everyone’s first time-it was painful, awkward & I hope I never see that guy again in my life.

I love you, I love you, I love you for reading. You're my person. XOXO

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-Pillow you can run but you can never hide from JoJo's brothers-