Real Housewives

The Beverly Hills are alive with the sound of disco music

Hi Kittens! I'm going to start doing Beverly Hills recap but wanted to give you my thoughts on the season so far. I have to say at the beginning I was really worried about my favorite franchise, like Taylor Armstrong when she gets next to a plate of food worried. But just when I thought this whole season was going to be all about mini horses with gimp legs, health advocates, & Lisa Rinna having Harry Hamlin #13 on her speed dial - an angel from the heavens appeared, who combines two of my favorite shows - Real Housewives & Rupauls Drag Racev - Mrs. Erika Jane/Girardi. She is my walking Pinterest board. Everything about her is my fantasy.

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-I'm even jealous of your maid who is getting to breathe the same oxygen as you -

She looks like a Barbie doll, and not one of the new "PC" every body type is beautiful bullshit, I mean the original. She looks better at 46 than I do at 26.

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-This is now what I do in the mirror as my morning affirmation-

She always has an entourage of 6 gay men around her at all times who worship her like she's Madonna minus the skeletor lobster arms.

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She's a pop star in the gay club circuit-my dream circuit! Even though I have never heard one song, she is my favorite singer.

My career goal is to be famous enough that gay men dress up as me for Halloween & to be a guest on Wendy Williams & Watch What Happens Live, oh and to own a pet monkey.

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She's married to a multi multi-millionaire, who is 20+ years older than her, so she will always be younger & better looking than him. Those are all my requirements for husband. She met him while she was a single mom being a cocktail waitress in Beverly Hills, which after hearing that I signed up for bartending classes the next day, I'm not kidding. They also have not 1, but 2 planes! Lisa Vanderpump plane count-0

Erika Jane has been the best thing to happen to the Real Housewives franchise since botox. After her first episode, she was already in my Top 5 favorite housewives of all time. She has been the bright beauty filter light in what was becoming a very boring, disease-y filled season.

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Which is exactly how I felt at the beginning of the season when at first she was invited to Nicky Hiltons wedding, then uninvited, then re-invited but only 2 of her daughters were welcome to come? I don't like a child anywhere, let alone at a wedding, but isnโ€™t it weird to only invite some of the kids? One of the daughters left out was Alexia who if you don't know which one that is because the only daughter we really know is Portia who is clearly gearing up to me the Milania of RHOBH, Alexia is the one who almost got her hand bitten off by Kim's insane rabid dog Kingsley, but you know what they say dogs resemble there owners.

Mother of Swans or now I guess mini ponies kept asking her what was happening with the wedding & Kyle refused to talk about it. Goddammit ponytail! Give us something, now that we don't have YoYo's amah-zing refrigerator to look at I need something to give me life. Who gets that in the divorce between her & her former king? I would give up Bella & Anwar for that refrigerator. I know the kids aren't that piano playing Pricks', but still take โ€˜em! All I need is the fridge & GiGi.

Vanderpump & Kyle had a joint anniversary "Moulin Rouge" themed party where every costume looked like it was from Party City except for my queen Erika's. Kyle was wearing a corset from Fredericks of Hollywood & Lisa looked like she was running a western saloon at Disney, how can the hostesses throwing the party have the worst costumes?

Kyle did her signature "splits" but the highlight was getting to see Camille Grammar show off those Club MTV dance moves. Take that Frasier!

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Yourself is you in a quinceanera dress? Also, isn't every season her tag line some boring thing about family? It should've been, "In Beverly Hills, you can be anything, like the sister of someone who steals $600 worth of kids toys from Target."

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Which is exactly how I felt at the beginning of the season when at first she was invited to Nicky Hilton's wedding, then uninvited, then re-invited but only 2 of her daughters were welcome to come? I don't like children anywhere, let alone at a wedding, but isn't it weird to only invite some of the kids? One of the daughters left out was Alexia, who if you don't know which one that is because the only daughter we really know is Porsha who is clearly gearing up to be the Milania of RHOBH. Alexia is the one who almost got her hand bitten off by Kim's insane rabid dog Kingsley, but you know what they say, dogs resemble their owners.

Mother of Swans, or now I guess of mini ponies, kept asking her what was happening with the wedding & Kyle refused to talk about it. Goddammit ponytail! Give us something, now that we don't have YoYo's amah-zing refrigerator to look at, I need something to give me life.Who gets that in the divorce between her & her former king? I would give up Bella & Anwar for that refrigerator. I know the kids aren't that piano playing Prick's but still take em! All I need is the fridge & GiGi.

Never forget!

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I followed Yolanda's Fridge Twitter account & it had more followers than most instgram models.

Vanderpump & Kyle had a joint anniversary "Moulin Rouge" themed party where every costume looked like it was from Party City except for my queen Erika's. Kyle was wearing a corset from Fredericks of Hollywood & Lisa looked like she was running a western saloon at Disney. How can the hostesses throwing the party have the worst costumes?

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Kyle did her signature "splits" but the highlight was getting to see Camille Grammar show off those Club MTV dance moves. Take that Frasier!

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We also had an appearance by Taylor Armstrong whose makeup looked like she came as a zombie mermaid/prostitute

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Exactly! Who the fuck is Kathryn & why did they add her to the show? She is as useless as Kim Fields on Real Housewives of Atlanta. She is the more robotic sister of Aviva from RHONY, but she isn't even interesting enough to have a missing leg; All of her body parts are still there although I'm not sure mine will still be because every scene she's in, I want to rip my ears off so I don't have to hear that Wisconsin accent.

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The only thing she has for a story line is that the morally corrupt Faye Resnick wrote 2 sentences about her & her then husband in her book about the OJ murders. That's it. Kathryn has also never read the book, if there was a book that mentioned me, even in a negative way I would have those pages matted & framed at Aaron Brothers and have it be the centerpiece in my living room.

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You don't want to talk about your sister Kathy Hilton hating you, you don't want to talk about Kim stealing from Target, you don't want to talk about the OJ murders. I love you Kyle because we are hair twins but no one wants to hear about your store & Porcha's improv lessons!

Faye Resnick is having a great year though! Her & Munchausen Disease must have the same publicist because they are everywhere. Faye is  not only designing Paris Hilton's NYC loft but she's on this show, KUWTK & is now being played by Connie Britton in The People VS OJ Simpson. Faye is the morally corrupt version of Ryan Seacrest

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Thank god this season has finally picked up. The last two episodes should have been where the season started but I feel like Andy Cohen is way too distracted with fucking Wacca to pay attention to anything anymore. They put out a new preview for the season & this is what we want! Kathryn is getting kicked out of dinner at the Gerardi's mansion, we have a Sex & The City 2 trip to Dubai but hopefully it's way better than the movie. It looks like the tea is going to be scolding hot for the rest of the season. I just wish instead of giving Aviva Robot anymore screen time, we would just spend that on watching Erika get her makeup done; I feel like that's a MUCH better use of air time.

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-Is the exact same thought everyone watching has about you-