The Bachelor

Sister Wives

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We are out of that hideous Spanish style mansion for good and are spending the last excruciatingly long episodes in Michael Scott's favorite vacation destination - the Sandals resort in Jamaica. I was shocked that Oatmeal didn't do a "Jamaican Me Crazy" pun in the opening credits because you know he was dying to.

Potato says Jamaica is the most beautiful place in the world, "The water is blue, the air is fresh, the people are friendly." Yes, because I'm sure Potato is spending a lot of time with locals where most of the country is living below the poverty level. Even though the climate doesn't lend itself to him wearing his favorite article of clothing, his letterman jacket, his trusty bracelet is on FULL display now that he gets to roll up his brightly colored linen shirts with his khaki shorts. He always looks like he is dressed head to toe in an outfit his mom gave him for Christmas.

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Yeah this mattress will do.

Potato is super excited because this is Fantasy Suite time meaning he finally gets to have sex with them, Fantasy Suite is a more romanticized version of the Grotto.

The first lucky girl up is Character Shoes. They take a rafting trip/gondola down a river in a raft looks like it was built by Tom Hanks in Cast Away. I doubt he would have taken JoJo or WASPY Lauren B on this date, but he probably figures Character Shoes is half Filipino so she's used to jungle shit. The have a "raft cam" & it's completely silent & awkward between them like this river raft is an airport shuttle & they're complete strangers just waiting to get to Hurtz rental car. When they finally do speak, it's just about the river & the trees. It's like being on a date with the Lorax.

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Even though this date is more awkward than Olivia's Vegas Caborlesque, the undercover perv manages to use that bracelet for a boob graze. (See above)

He's been so handy this whole season! He's like an octopus with all the girls but no one notices it because he's a pretend good guy who's obsessed with children (as long as they don't belong to any girl he's dating). Marshmallow complains how's she's not being smiley enough, where earlier in the episode he was complaining that she was too smiley & he wasn't sure if he would get to see any other layers to this tap dancing little onion. Because this girl should act & be exactly what you want her to be all the time, that's her job since you yourself are so complex. You always look & act the same - like an assistant manager at Best Buy.

We go to our signature uneaten meal & they are surrounded my tiki torches like the producers are also sharing the set with the show Survivor. She says she feels weird that he's dating 2 other girls. SHE'S JUST REALIZING THIS NOW!? Are you dumber than the hair that's now swallowing your head?

She then tells him that she's in love with him & his response is - to just kiss her. She says she knows he's in love with her to, "By the way they take a deep breath together."

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"Ben doesn't have to say anything. I told him I love him & even though he didn't say it, I can feel it in his breath that he feels the same." Is he using that Extra Gum from that commercial with the high school sweethearts?

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Character Shoes is so happy that he invited her to the Fantasy Suite & says she's so thankful that she doesn't have to say goodnight to him right now. Yeah, because how many guys when they have the option of getting to have sex with you are going to send you away even though you just told them you were in love with them & they clearly don't feel the same way, but he sure is going to pretend for the next 6 1/2 minutes in missionary style.

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They make out in the ocean as the crew set off fireworks & cut to them making out in their Sandals suite with fireworks behind them because ABC really wants you to get that they are about to sleep with each other.

Bracelet says, "I can't believe that I could wake up tomorrow maybe knowing if this is the girl I'm going to spend my life with," so all the time leading up to now you have no idea but depending on how she is in bed that's going to be the thing that makes it click in your head? Got it. Well Character Shoes looks like what Patti Stanger would call a "spinner" so she might still have a chance in this.

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The next day Lauren Basic walks up like she has a diaper rash & Marshmallow hugs her like he hasn't seen in a woman in months when in reality he just got done banging Character Shoes a few hours ago. But that doesn't matter because we all know Lauren Basic is the butter for this Baked Potato.

They head off on a real boat this time because he's not going to put the love of his life & future mother of his dud children on that safety hazard Tom Sawyer raft date he took that Saved By The Bell extra on.

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We go to an island & their date is helping baby sea turtles get into the ocean safely. Basic says, "Turtles are amazing because they can live up to a 100 years. I hope my relationship with Ben lasts that long." You're both 26 now, you think you're both going to live to 126 years? How are you not going to die of boredom just listening to each other's stories?!

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They then pray over the bucket of turtles and tip it over & the baby turtles go at record speed. What great motivation for them to get into the ocean just to get away from these two annoyingly basics going back & fourth about, "You're too good for me." "No, you're too good for ME!"Go turtles, save yourselves!!!!! Although eventually you'll sadly end up in one of the meals Caila's mom cooks.

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They makeout in the water but instead of fireworks it's double rainbows... I wonder how long production had to wait around for a rainbow to appear & had them on standby sitting in the crew chairs and then when it appeared screamed, "Go go go!!! Get in the water! We only have a few minutes of this shot!"

At night they go to a local reggae band where they are the only white people & he sways off beat & pretends to feel comfortable. I'm waiting for him to do the Carlton or scream, "Slappin Da' Bass Man!" Basic has great abs for someone whose favorite food is "butter" as she told us last episode. Maybe she means she dips her cotton balls in butter before swallowing them.

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She tells him he is, "the man of her dreams," dayum girl, you have boring dreams. He invites her back to the Fantasy Suite. I hope the maids have had time to change the sheets to get the smell of Character Shoes' "Pink Sugar" perfume out of them.

Oh snap, back at the suite I realize this is a new room that's way bigger & nicer than the one Caila got. Uh Oh. Basic tells him that she's in love with him & he tells her that he's known he's in love with her for a while. Since this is my first season of watching "Bland Man with Roses" I guess this is a big deal because it's against the rules for him to say that till the last episode?

I would call Bracelet a lot of things - I didn't think rule breaker would be one of them. Congratulations! Maybe all that time in your pleather jacket wore off!

They just slowly blink at each other telling each other I love you back & fourth like it's a vocal warm up . She tells him that she never thought someone like him existed so clearly she's never been to a Chili's.

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The next morning the producers keep zooming in on the clothes on the floor, as if we are as stupid as Twin. We get it! They had sex! He tells her he loves her 5 more times & then leaves to go meet his other girlfriend & later have sex with her.

He meets JoJo & they fly through the jungle in a helicopter, but I honestly just think that ABC used the opening scene from Jurassic Park because that's exactly what it looks like. We come to a waterfall & I'm waiting for any second to see Lala from Vanderpump Rules come out from behind it topless.

The closest Pillow has gotten to something like this is his waterfall screensaver. JoJo says she wishes she knew what was going on in Oatmeal's head & I can already tell you - it's his highlight reel from his high school football game on loop.

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Brunette Isla Fischer strips down to this swimgerie number & Bracelet shows off his dad bod & awful scripture tattoo. You couldn't have prayed a little harder for a trainer before you knew you were going on a show where 80% of the time you were going to be shirtless?

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They do the stereotypical jump scene where they can talk for 10 minutes after about how it represents and shows that it's about taking risks with each other & they have the strength to trust the unknownblahahaha, water makeout, water makeout.

I wish instead of the 5,000 Goldberg popups at the bottom of the screen, ABC would put what we ACTUALLY want to see which are the brands of what the girls are wearing. Like right now JoJo's incredible water proof mascara that is not going anywhere just like that god awful Bracelet on his wrist .

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She tells Pillow that she loves him & he tells her he loves her too. WHAT? Pillow is handing out "I love yous" as if they are likes on Instagram. Either way this goes, it's going to end the same way - with her brothers killing you.

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They go to the Fantasy Suite (duh) & I feel like this is Groundhog Day. I have to see him show the girls around a suite and point out obvious items. "We have our own pool & hot tub. Look at this bed!" They're desperate for love Ben, they're not blind.

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Pillow about to last 7 seconds in the suite

The next day he leaves the fantasy suite in a Jansport backpack (barf) like he's going off to lead a hike at Bible Camp. He is saying how he can't believe he's in love with 2 women at the same time & I feel like there is a producer having to whisper off to the side, "pppssstt Ben, Caila's still technically here."

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"I could have sworn I put my velcro wallet in my back pocket"

He just keeps looking out in different scenic locations saying how he is in love with two women, the producers are going for a brooding, pensive look & instead he just looks like a guy who lost his keys. Cut to Character Shoes in a Sandals Resort room away because we have to make sure we get that Sandals logo in there as much we can. She says how she just misses him so much so she wants to go surprise him right now. Oh boy.

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Peter Brady sits in a chair staring out pondering if there is anyway he could get Basic & JoJo to move to Utah with him when we sees Cailia sneak up behind & give a wink & "shhhhh!" motion to the cameras. She comes up behind him, covers his eyes & kisses him.

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The look on his face when he realizes its her is more disappointed than surprised. He keeps saying ,"What the heck!? Whoa this is crazy. Give me a second," because that's what you want to hear from your boyfriend when you show up.

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No it isn't, you didn't even pretend to say I love you to her & she was the only one who didn't get a jacuzzi with her suite!

He sits her down & tells her, "I'm in love with two women here & I just can't say that to you."Ouch. She is now Les Miserables. He continues to rub salt in the wound by saying, "You're what I would've described to be my perfect wife," but turns out my dream wife is a much blonder & whiter, whose mom doesn't have adult braces or cook weird ethnic food. He tells her he's really going to miss her & she says that sounds like a line - because it is.

He asks if he can walk her out which I think it the most fake nice guy move ever. No you can't walk me out you just broke up with me on national TV after you slept with me & you want to look chivalrous now? Go fuck your bracelet.

He hugs her goodbye. If this were me, I would go in for the hug & with my face covered in makeup smear it all over his shirt so it would look like he smothered a clown. He puts her in the car & as soon as the door shuts, she immediately hops back out. "I have to know one thing, did you know you were going to send me home before this week?" aka before you slept with me. His mush mouth says no but his lifeless raisin eyes say yes. Oh Character Shoes, this is the risk you take when you give your heart to a bad boy software selling, pleather jacket wearing russet potato of a man. You have better things coming your way, like the auditions for Damn Yankees!

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She gets back in the car & sobs how she still loves him. Well that's understandable. You were just broken up with 6 minutes ago, not 6 years ago. You have a lot to go home to Caila - all the things you love, like that bench, your creepy looking dad & a full DVR of your favorite show, The Big Bang Theory.

We now go to the completely unnecessary 7 Eleven Rose Ceremony. Brunette Isla Fischer shows up in a hot dress which she completely ruins by wearing wedges. We see Chris Harrison earning that multi million dollar contract by asking her how the date went then escorting her down 3 steps to the grass; he must be exhausted.

He then greets Basic & asks her how her time was with Pillow & she says that he told her that he loves her & his reaction is this:

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We have the 2 girls sit there staring at the 2 roses for what feels like 5 minutes before realizing that Character Shoes isn't even there. Does ANYONE like her besides her local Murder Mystery Theater Troupe?

Marshmallow gives them their roses & both of them stand their thinking that they're the only girl he said "I love you" to. They hug & it's like a scene out of Big Love.

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Cheers to you all sharing the same fluids in the same week!

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"To marriage, with one of you!"

Talk to me kittens, who do you want to win!? Who are we going to be stuck with being the Bachelorette? Who do you want? If Olivia or Lace got chosen - I know they won't but that's my dream - I would literally audition to be one of the bachelors even though I'm a straight woman. That's how much I love them.

I love you for reading!!!!!