The Bachelor

Aiy Dios Olivia!



We open the episode with the whitest man alive screaming, "Viva La Mexico!" in his string HOPE bracelet. You can tell Ben is one of those people who pronounces it "quesa-dill-a" & really loves it when mariachi bands play. I know this isn't a political blog but after what we subjected those poor Mexican City locals to on last nights episode, we better let every damn immigrant in to our country who wants to be here. Although, after that display last night, I wouldn't blame them for joining the rest of the world in hating Americans. I mean, even I hate us after watching this show.

The girls plane lands & as they're being shuttled to the hotel, one of the no name basics squawks, "So are you guys excited to see Ben?" I just wish one of them at that moment would have been honest & screamed, "I'm just excited for a free trip that I didn't even have to put out for!"


The girls get to their hotel and start screaming like they're getting their hair chopped off. They can't believe they're at the Four Seasons in Mexico because they have already forgotten that just yesterday they were at the grand penthouse suite at Aria! The closest these girls have ever come to a Mexican resort is watching the Sex & The City Movie.

Olivia says, "There's no doubt in my mind that I love Ben. He doesn't validate people the way he validates me. I think our love language is reserved for us." Their love language is a mix of sign language because you can't hear it & pig Latin-because it's completely made up.

We find the one on one date card & it goes to Amanda (Who? Exactly.) Amanda is the tiny one with the voice of field mouse. The date card says, "Let's put all our eggs in one basket." Amanda is a 25 year old mother of 2 so at least we know her eggs are fertile.


Amanda starts in with, "I really am looking forward to this one on one time with potato. It's been really hard being away from my kids blah blah blahhhhhhhh." I CAN'T. I would honestly rather watch Olivia's showgirl seizure than watch your single mom martyrdom. At least what Olivia did was honest.Hey woodland sprite, no one asked you to leave your kids! You weren't drafted into the war, you weren't sent to prison, you voluntarily auditioned to leave your winy, runny nosed kids to go live in a house with 20 other bandage dresses & compete for a slice of white bread who was a complete stranger in a tacky mansion. No one wants to hear about the fake guilt you feel about your free vacation away from your sad life of being condemned to the car pick up line & stuffing their Frozen Elsa backpacks with nut free snacks. You have two young daughters, so what a great influence is on them that one day when they grow up, if they're white & skinny enough, that maybe they too one day will be able to compete on national television against other women for a guy to maybe give them attention.


Cut to Olivia saying how shocked she is that Amanda got the card because, "She does have CHILDREN...." She says "children" like it was herpes. The way Olivia is talking about the kids I'm afraid there is going to be an Amber Alert out for them & that she is going to keep them hidden away in her mouth. Let's be honest, if they're in there we'll never find them.

The next morning we see pillow skulking down the hotel hallway like it's The Shining. He can barley contain his excitement as he tells the camera pointing to his boy scout watch, "It's 4:20 in the morning!The girls aren't up yet, but I'm going to go in and wake them up!!! THIS is what I'm here for, to just like, see these girls in their element, ok let's go!" as he whispers to the camera & gives a hand signal to follow him as he sneaks around the corner. You're not American Sniper, you're a bracelet wearing marshmallow who hasn't done a prank like this since back at Christian youth camp when you snuck over to the girls cabin to switch around all the nightstand bibles. Oh Ben. You are TOO MUCH!!!


Also what the fuck "See these girls in their element"?! I guarantee if you snuck into my room at 4:20AM on national television when I'm sleeping with no makeup on in the free t-shirt I got from the bank, that would be the last thing that you did see because I would rip your eyeballs out of your doughy little head and put them as beads on a string for me to wear as a bracelet as a warning for any guy who ever tried to pull that shit again.


Ben busts into their hotel room like he's on the lamest episode of Cops ever. He goes up to the bed where they're sound asleep & shines a flashlight right in their eyes, like these girls don't already act like deer in the headlights enough let's literally scare & blind them at the same time. The girls start screaming like Freddy Kruger is in their bedroom which would honestly be less terrifying than what's happening. The girls have the same look of horror & confusion that we, as the audience have, watching this show every week. Michigan Puppet Rapist is wearing a retainer (so don't let it snag on Little Ben's fabric) & Evil Cameron Diaz is afraid of her "dragon breath"-I don't blame her for having bad breath, can you imagine how hard it is to clean & floss 123 teeth?

He goes to wake up single mom for their early morning surprise ambush date & she awakes perfectly made up like she's Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids. She has her face fully beat like she just got out of a car with Chris Brown. I will give it to Amanda, your birth control game may be non existent but at least your makeup is on point, she was smart & went the Dolly Parton route. In case you didn't know, Dolly Parton sleeps with a full face of makeup, false eyelashes & even has a sleep wig because she said if for some reason there is ever a fire in the middle of the night, she doesn't want to run out & not look like Dolly Parton. If you're going to be a contestant on this you need to expect the producers to pull some wacky & embarrassing stunt like this. That's why I would bring a sleep apnea machine, even if I didn't have any makeup on you wouldn't be able to tell because I would just look like I was a character from Top Gun.


Single Mom & Gringo go on a morning hot air balloon ride in Mexico because that is one of the whitest things you could possibly do. I guess all of the shows helicopter ride groupons had expired & they couldn't figure out how to get a hot tub in the air, so they had to settle for this. I think the producers chose a hot air balloon ride hoping this would encourage some more sob story bullshit of "kids LOVE balloons & I have 2 kids! And it's just so hard to be in the balloon and not have them here in this tiny basket with me because they make me feel like I can fly just like this balloon does!" I don't know what word Polly Pocket uses more, "Kid" or "Like." Either way, basic Tinkerbell is annoying.

We now continue the date in a completely open field, because that's what white people on the cover of Nicholas Sparks books do, sit together in a field side by side. Clearly they don't watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, have they learned nothing from Yolanda's Lyme disease?! Single mom looks like the bait girl they use on To Catch A Predator. She keeps telling Ben there's so much more to her that she's afraid to tell him & that he doesn't know her whole story & she's afraid how he's going to react. Listen teen gymnast, the only thing possibly scarier than you having 2 kids is you having 2 kids and those stupid little family stickers on the back of your mini van. Stop trying to act like you're exciting enough to have secrets; I doubt you'll ever watch 50 Shades of Grey.

We head to the one on one date of the signature uneaten formal meal & enough candles to be a fire hazard (literally we could solve world hunger if we just donated all the uneaten date food on The Bachelor). She starts telling him how she found texts from other women on her ex husband's phone & how he was going on dating sites to meet people while they were married, which is insane. He should have just joined a dating show on TV & at least gotten to travel and spend time away from his family. She tells Ben how she wants him to know how even though she's divorced, she takes marriage seriously, even more seriously now that she's on this show because if anything says you're dedicated to marriage, it's going on a show with a 17% success rate. Honestly, I think she had her kids to suck the youth out of their bodies like on Hocus Pocus. She looks barely legal! She shouldn't be on The Bachelor, she should be on some commercial sponsored by Joe Francis that airs at 2AM on the Playboy channel.


The next day we have a group date & Blanco says how we are going to emerge ourselves in Mexican culture - are we hiding from drug lords & human traffickers? No, of course not! We go back to Ben's favorite place in the whole world - a school! We are in an ESL class, ya know like the ones that are taught at your community center? These dates get better & better. A man who looks like the dad from the movie Selena tries to teach them Spanish. Helen Keller was deaf & blind & she learned to speak. These girls have all heard a Pitbull song so I don't know what their fucking problem is. Ben makes them all recite telenovela lines to him in front of the class. It's very odd, the more Ben speaks Spanish the whiter he becomes. By the end of this date, he is going to be as translucent as Anderson Cooper. Finally, queen cherries Jubilee stands up for her best Charro/Sophia Vergara impression. Ben tells her in Spanish, "I want to kiss you," & her response is, "That's what you said to the last four girls." Si Senortia, that IS the same line he said to the last quatro. This does not go over well with the rest of the harem. They do not like it when one of the other would be sister wives disrespects the main cult leader. You do not speak to a man that way! Know your place! And that place does not have humor.

Next, Cankles Mc'Dragon Mouth gets up, why does she have to speak in Spanish when they already have their OWN love language? Turns out Fat Toes is fluent in crazy as well as Spanish, so each one of her personalities has a talent.

During this group date I see a girl I literally haven't seen this entire season. At first, I thought she was a tourist who snuck her way into the shot but then she got in the van with them. Kudos to you, Ashley? You have managed to float along being completely forgettable but able to coast enough to get all the trips & travel size hotel shampoos. You should be a spy because you're completely invisible.


We now come to a Mexican restaurant where the girls are going to cook recipes that are complexity in Spanish. Jubilee & Olivia fight over who will be partners with Ben & Ben stands there like the piece of celery he is. Jubilee eventually backed down because even though she was in the army she's smart enough enough to know that World War 3 will be Olivia, a kitchen knife & whoever tries to steal Ben as her burrito making partner. Olivia & Ben walk around the restaurant taking tequila shots & eating crickets like they're salsa chips? I shouldn't be surprised Olivia could eat crickets with out batting a crazy eye. She could eat a dragon fly with that mouth and not even feel it.


After he said this line I wanted to use his face as the spatula on the burning skillet. THIS TYPE OF LANGUAGE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE FROM A POTENTIAL HUSBAND.

This knock off Top Chef challenge is pointless. Let's not pretend Ben's some foodie. He's from Indiana, give him a bologna Miracle Whip sandwich & he'll be thrilled.

At the cocktail party Jubilee is annoyed & impatient like a girl whose been stuck in a bathroom line for 20 minutes. When envelope finally pulls her aside for her allotted 10 minute slot, she asks him if he even remembers the one on one date they went on a few weeks back. "Do you even remember me?!" Yeah, Ben, do you even remember her? Or are you confusing her with another veteran, Haitian orphan in the house?


Ben takes about 5 minutes of trying to dance around it but finally tells her that he doesn't see things "continuing to exist for them" & tells her he thinks it's better if they say goodbye tonight. Well at least Jubileee got an honorable discharge, and she didn't have to stand in a formation in a cocktail dress at the end waiting to get a rose. She was personally broken up with so that's something!

Jubilee cries that, "I'm the most unlovable person in the world right now!" No Juibs, the most unlovable person in the world said this.


Ben comes back to the group of hyenas in Bebe dresses & announces that Jubilee has gone home. You can see the girls are having a hard time concealing their excitement. They rally around Ben and applaud him for his courage and bravery throughout this whole process. They're right, it does take a lot of strength to break up with a veteran. Think about all those free drinks at weddings he could have gotten with her purple heart?!

Olivia gets the safety rose which I guess is good for his physical safety of not having to sleep with the knife he stole from the restaurant under his pillow. When he gives the rose to Olivia, she holds it like she's Anne Hathaway holding her Oscar, completely unfazed by how unliked she is. It doesn't matter - she has her precious.


The next morning it's the one on one date with Michigan kindergarten teacher who got to first base with "Little Ben" WINK WINK. ABC you are so bad!! They go into a store and start trying on silly hats.... yep. That's the date because we are in Mexico so we wanted to soak up the culture by being in a hot air balloon, an ESL class, a Mexican restaurant with the authenticity of a SeñorFrogs & now trying on funky hats. Where is El Chapo when we need him?


In walks the designer of all the clothes they have been making fun of and he takes them to the back "workshop," aka sweatshop. He tells them it's Mexico City's fashion week happening right now & invite them to the show happening in one hour. Kindergarten teacher is thrilled! "I can't believe I'M going to a fashion week!!!" Wait there aren't many fashion shows in Michigan? That's odd.


The fashion designer has the melba toast slices walk in his fashion show with real models. It's sort of like when the designers bring their kids to walk out at the end of the show & everyone politely claps because what the fuck else are you going to do? Ben is wearing a shirt that is half white collar/half Joesph & the Amazing Technicolored Dream Coat (I bet Caila character shoes is dying that she missed this). It's so weird they didn't show Anna Winter or Kim Kardashian, I bet they never miss a "Mexico City Fashion Week"


At the cocktail/elimination party single mom tells us how she had a dream about her kids, oh I was worried she had forgotten them because it had been about ten minutes since the last time she mentioned them. SM is telling us the pickup/drop off schedule of her ex husband which is riveting when Olivia says, "It reminds me of a Teen Mom episode,"- in her defense they do have a lot of pick up, drop off scheduling. Everyone stares at her and you can see they're shooting rose thorns out of their eyeballs & Cankles can tell she put her fat toes into her Stephen Tyler mouth. In defense of Olivia, which you know I don't do very often, or even at all- I don't think what she said was that bad. If someone asked you to name a show off the top of your head that dealt with messy exes & children I can't think of another show besides Teen Mom. I know there's other family shit out there but Teen Mom is the only one I have ever watched. This comment really insults 50% of the slutty Taylor Swift twins, I still don't know which one he kept. Trailer park twin is OUTRAGED by this comment, probably because her mom was a teen mom, and also because she's 23 & realizes she missed out on her chance to be a star of that show. Can you imagine the MTV gold of teen mom TWINS!??!

Not teen mom tells Olivia, "You remind me of Snooki from Jersey Shore who was a hot mess all the time!" So now it's just the girls calling each other different MTV shows. If I was there I would hope someone would call me Daria.


Twin says she has to go to the bathroom. Then runs to tell Ben what happened with Olivia & Not Teen Mom. Slutty Twin starts crying as she tells him - twin, this didn't even involve you! You're thirstier than that dyed from a box blond hair of yours. Twin says how she doesn't like anything fake, especially fake people, so I guess she hates how her identical twin looks. Crying twin calls eliminated twin hysterical complaining about Olivia, like doesn't your twin already know whats happening? Isn't that a twin power besides trying to get the same guy to sleep with both of you? Ben goes & gets not teen mom to hear her talk about Olivia. He even asks Ashley, the one I swear I had never seen till tonight. I don't know why the girls aren't more mad at Ashley still being there, who are you?! Are we sure she isn't a craft service girl who is just sneaking g into their suitcases & putting on cocktail dresses for the ceremonies?!


"Raise your hand if you've been personally victimized by Olivia"

All the girls are saying Olivia is a bully, but now they're all bullying her. They're the ones who have called her fat toes, said she had bad breath, made fun of her for her performance, granted that's all the stuff I've done on this blog but I'm not in the house. And all these girls are bullying us as the audience out of good television! We didn't even get a rose ceremony tonight because it ended with a cliffhanger of Ben asking to speak to Olivia privately after the sister wives sorority all went & separately told Ben how they had been personally victimized by Olivia. I can't. The Teen Mom thing was so wrong because at least on that show the moms STAY with their kids instead of abandoning them to fly around the world with a strange man they've never met.

Tell me in the comments what MTV personality you are & what we will do for 2 hours Monday nights without Jubilee or Olivia's mouth?

I would like to give all my roses to Kirstin George who is an angel on Earth & helped edit my blog for me! That's why this post didn't have a million commas in it & misspelled words. I'm as thankful for you as Olivia's dentist is for her!