The Bachelor

Hot Tubs, Death & Cankles



We start off this week with Lauren B. The B stands for basic because if she showed up at my door right now I still would have no idea who she was. She gets picked for the one on one date with potato & he takes her to a very exotic place-an airport! This must be very exciting for whats her name to go one a plane, since she's already a flight attendant. So he basically took her on a date to her job.

All I can stare at during the plane ride is his string HOPE bracelet that looks like something you would make during arts & crafts at a Christian youth camp. If I was on an airplane with a guy who had an inspiration bracelet on I would jump out and HOPE for the best. I was hoping this plane ride would end like Amelia Earhart's but instead it lands & we go to a completely open field with a hot tub in it... is The Bachelor sponsored by a hot tub company? Last episode the date was literally in a hot tub store & now this hot tub is in the middle of no where like a mirage. California is in a drought & apparently it's because all of our water is being used for Ben's terrible dates.


Back at the house Caila character shoes is crying, no not because she didn't get the part in her community theaters production of Guys & Dolls but because she loves Ben so much already and she can't handle that he is on a date with someone else. Caila seems like the type of girl who accidentally killed her pet bunny from hugging it too hard, while Olivia seems like the type of girl who would kill a bunny by boiling it like in Fatal Attraction.


Next we have the group date & all the girls show up in sneakers again.Uh Oh. It's another fucking physical challenge. The physical challenge dates combine my two biggest fears- exercising & natural lighting. How are women willing to do this for a man who wears a BRACELET!?! This week it's a soccer competition because Ben wants to see how well the girls all work together in a team. Is this the better looking version of sister wives? Is Ben planning on marrying 5 of them & moving to a ranch in Utah where he'll use them for cheap labour just to make his own line of shitty bracelets? Why do you want them to work well in a team this isn't Oceans' 11.


Two of the world champion female soccer players come to teach them & the girls all scream with excitement,none of them knew who these players were 10 minutes ago & are just doing what the producers told them which was "Scream really loud when the two lesbians come out!" I was really waiting for a Tonya Harding moment between Olivia & Lace which unfortunately never happened. There are more balls on the field than there are in Ben's pants.


Back at hotel Olivia starts rationalizing how even though she didn't get the safety rose she got something way better, Ben pushing off her leg when he stood up... It's not like he did morse code on her leg spelling out "I love you" he literally just stood up & she happened to be sitting next to him. She is reaching harder than Calia when she was trying to cut a lock of Ben's hair off to add to her altar of him. Someone tells Olivia the other girls are talking about her body & Olivia starts naming off her insecurities

"Is it my cankles" - No

"Is it my legs?- No

"What is it?" -"It's your toes..." She forgot to mention how the girls also said that Olivia has bad breath.


Jubilee aka chest tattoo gets the one on one date. She was in the army while the other girls haven't even been in a salvation army. The girls get mad when Jubilee tells Ben he's 20 minutes late.I'm with cherries jubilee why the fuck are men ever late? All you have to do is brush your teeth & put on a shirt (while I have to do CGI level makeup & contouring.) Anyway the helicopter shows up to take them on their date & Jubilee freaks out so clearly she wasn't in the air force. She's terrified of heights where I'd be more terrified of the helicopter blowing off my false eyelashes, oh also that bracelet.



I don't know what I'm more impressed with from Jubilee, the fact she went to Iraq or the the fact she was able to wear an all white outfit & get nothing on it. This outfit is giving me flashbacks of Britney Spears' "Sometimes" video & I'm not mad at it. They feed each other caviar which she immediately spits out & tells him that her favorite food is hot dogs which is probably the caviar of his home state of Indiana so maybe this will work out. They play shuffle board like a couple in an assisted living home in Boca Raton, Florida and he seems very down with this swirl. Surprisingly they get into a pool instead of a hot tub to make out. Jubilee has a killer body, a fun personality & instead of trying to figure out what her tattoos say I'm now trying to figure out why she's interested in this church faced dork.

The next day Ben comes in and announces to all the girls that he just learned that two people close to his family have died & he's having a very hard time, before he even finishes his sentence Fat Toes Cameron Daz pulls the signature line "Can I steal you for a minute?" She apparently remembers Will Ferrell's advice from Wedding Crashers "Grief is natures strongest aphrodisiac" and she makes her move.

They go sit down & you assume she is going to comfort him about losing two people close to him, instead she says quote "You know how everybody has things on their body they wish they could change? Mine is from the waist down, I hate my legs! People have written blogs that I have cankles (bursts into tears) I try to be so strong but it's the scariest thing in the world"

Ben I know two people just died but Olivia's cankles are here now, so lets try to focus on the real tragedy! I'm also fascinated to know who wrote these blogs about Olivia's cankles & where can I follow them?

This is all I could find for us, old picture same cankles


Jubilee consoles Ben by giving him a massage on the massage table that's conveniently already set up in the gazebo & the girls freak out as if he's at one of those happy ending salons. I'm starting to get concerned that Lace has been suspiciously quiet this whole episode & I'm afraid Olivia has slipped sleeping pills in her chardonnay. The house has completely shunned Jubilee as if SHE'S the one with cankles. It's not fair that she's being treated like this when her legs are completely normal looking.


Finally my queen Lace emerges (I was starting to get concerned that Olivia & Caila had tied her up in one of the hundred closets in this hideous Spanish style mansion) Lace "steals him for a minute" she starts crying & tells him she has to leave because she needs to go home and work on herself. She leaves but not before quoting the immortal words of Rupaul "If you can't love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?"


We had 3 deaths in this episode, Ben's two friends & Lace. I feel like the lights have gone out in the mansion. What are we even watching now besides the prequel of the eventual Snapped episode Olivia will be on. Lace was the greatest there ever was or will be and so now I light this prayer candle in honor of her. Please leave your condolences for Lace in the comments or if you have any intel on Olivia foot blogs.