The Bachelor

Not so glory days with Ben


This week on "The Bachelor producers stage a wacky date" they get to go to Ben's favorite place- a school. You can tell Ben is one of those "Glory Days" guys, and probably a glory hole guy as well but that's another post. I could already tell this date was a red flag when I saw all the girls wearing sneakers- that's never a good sign because it means it's going to be some bullshit physical challenge like they're on fucking Double Dare having to find an orange flag under a giant pizza. If I was one of the girls and I saw the date envelope said to wear sneakers I would automatically volunteer to go home right then & there.

They meet in a high school where Chris Harrison is dressed like Seymour from Little Shop of Horrors & Ben gets to say the line he's been waiting to say since he said it last episode "I was on the basketball team and football team." The winner of the challenge gets to be his homecoming queen, I'm still bitter about when I lost homecoming queen so this was extra painful for me to watch. The girls have to do a science experiment where they have to figure out the perfect ingredients for a relationship to make Ben's love volcano explode… subtle! The girls who didn't get their volcanoes to a chemical happy ending were eliminated.


Next we move to the cafeteria where he makes the girls bob for red apples bc quote "red apples for the color of my heart" red would have been the color my eyes would be turning if you were making me dunk my head in a tank of water & ruin my hair and makeup on national TV. Once getting the apples they then have to pass it to another girl with their mouth, this is the closest some of the girls have gotten to a kiss at all since being in the house. Next he makes them do a geography challenge of placing his shitty home state of Indiana on a map, because everyone knows Cosmo magazine's always saying the number one turn on for a guy is when a girl knows her way around a map. In gym class, they have to shoot free throws because in Indiana, everyone is a hoosier or something. I don't even know what that means but I know it's something I never want to be. For the final physical challenge (seriously they're competing to marry a guy not to win the Olympics) they have to do a foot race where they literally make them jump over hurdles to win a date with him. Mandi the one who wore the giant rose on her head the first night & who sort of looks like a melty Heather Grahm wins and gets to ride off in a car with a tiara as his high school prom queen. eeeek.


One of my least favorite girls got the one on one date which is Caila, she's the crazy one who broke up with her boyfriend after WATCHING Ben on The Bachelorette & falling in love with him on the show, totally normal! I didn't like her as soon as she exited the limo and went into a dead run at Ben & jumped into his arms saying "Thank you for catching me!" Like WTF else was he going to do when you're running at him? Did you think he was just going to step to the side & have you go into the fountain or were you planning on him showing off those sweet old football moves & pulling a Heisman? Caila is the type of girl who looks like she thinks The Big Bang Theory is hilarious & would be super excited to get a Build A Bear as a gift. Before the date starts Chris Harrison announces he has some "good friends stopping by to join you for your date" in walks Kevin Heart & Ice Cube-these are not Chris Harrison's "good friends" they are people forced to promote their new movie Ride Along 2 & in this moment you realize Kevin Heart is the black Lisa Rinna & will literally do anything for a paycheck. This was one of the most awkward car rides I've ever seen and you can see on Ice Cubes face that he would almost rather go back to being harassed by the police in Compton than have to sit with the whitest most boring would be couple ever.


The wacky date this time is a hot tub, but a hot tub in doors!! HILARIOUS! This is probably the craziest thing Caila's ever done besides dumping someone for a character on TV she had never met. After the hot tub Kevin Heart & Ice Cube are released from their contractionally obligated torture & the dullards continue their date at a dinner that had the charisma of a watching a PBS special while your paint is drying. Once again she is wearing her shoes that caused me distress the first night which are these


Why are you wearing character shoes? Are you in the community theater production of Thoroughly Modern Millie? Ugh. As if these aren't gag worthy enough she shad this quote "There’s no way he’s unlovable, no way snowball’s chance in you-know-where.” She can't even say the word hell, which is the perfect word to describe what her scenes are like to watch.


Group Date No. 2 was like watching torture porn. Ben made them come to a "Love Lab" which is totally a real thing & according to the actor they hired to put on a lab coat will use science to determine Ben’s perfect match. The girls all had to stand in a line while a blind folded Ben basically leaned in & smelled their shorts & then would announce out loud what they smelled like. Scratch the bobbing for apples thing, this is now my worst nightmare. Of course he announced that the producer's darling Olivia smelled fantastic & the poor lawyer girl from Florida with permanent hangover voice smelled "sour" and all the other girls snickered. You now know this poor girl is going to have a complex & spend the rest of her life drenched in Bath & Body Works perfume . Olivia of course wins again, I can't stand her, she is the unlikable Cameron Diaz with the mouth of Stephen Tyler.


Back at the house it literally becomes an "Interrupt Off" between all the girls where as soon as he starts a conversation with one almost immediately a new one pops in with the signature line "Hey sorry to interrupt but can I steal you for a second?" The rose ceremony happens & the only thing note worthy about that is Lace gets to stay another week, and not to brag but Lace liked one of my pictures on Instagram while I was watching the show, so see you guys The Secret really does work!

Talk to me, what do you guys think about this season? Who would you rather marry, Ben or the miniature horse from the first episode? Tell me in the comments, especially who your favorite & least favorite is, or just your least favorite because I'm a shady palm tree!