The Bachelor

My first Date with The Bachelor


I love TV. I am more excited to see I have a full DVR than I am to see anyone I know, I watch minimum 13 hours a day. I'm addicted to reality shows, from Real Housewives to Love & Hip Hop Atlanta, if there is a weave & a 4th tier gay man involved I am there. The only TV I don't watch (besides anything depressing or educational) is relationship shows-no "Say Yes to the off the rack David's Bridal dress" no "Marriage Bootcamp" nothing that involves marriage, dating or anything else that I don't have in my life. I have never watched The Bachelor because I had no interest in seeing dental hygienists in bandage dresses compete for some dork who has the personality of the soon to be dead roses he's holding. The closest thing I have ever come to watching the Bachelor is when I am forced to see them on "Dancing With The Stars" because since they're both ABC shows you know that if you're a contestant on Chris Harrison's puppet show, you'll eventually be covered in rhinestones doing the samba. DWTS is the ONLY reason I would ever want to be the Bachelorette because it's my dream job to get paid to be spray tanned & lose weight while learning to argentine tango from a mormon-did you know that BYU the holy grail of mormon universities has the best ballroom dancing program in the world? #themoreyouknow cue reading rainbow shooting star!

So after missing the first 19 seasons of The Boring White Potato looking for "love" I have finally given in because well, Stassi Schroeder told me to. I had so many questions watching the first episode:


1)Why is no one concerned that the first hobby Ben mentioned was "Whenever I'm back home I love going to my kindergarden & seeing my old teachers." Lets say that these poor souls are still having to teach because they haven't gotten tenure yet, I can barley remember Ben after watching him during THIS show, do you think they remember a snot filled kid from 17 years ago who is now a single man hanging around a school with small children? I guess this is allowed & looked at as endearing by some women watching because they find him attractive, if he looked like Steve Buscemi and was visiting a school  the authorities would be called.


2) The props. This episode had more props than a Carrot Top show. Every girl had some pun and/or prop as their opening line to him, sadly none of their props were a mirror for them to take a hard look at themselves & what they were doing.


3) Shushanna-The Russian want to be mail order bride who had to be subtitled every time she spoke & who I suspect is here working as a "mathematician" on a Visa. She only spoke Russian to him which he just smiled & pretended to understand. No offense to anyone in Russia reading this but since it's probably just my mom in South Carolina I don't care- Russian is one of the grossest sounding languages ever only second to German. How she managed to get a rose is beyond me, can you honestly see Ben Wonderbread going to Russia to share a bowl of borsht with her family? The only trips Ben has probably been on before this show paid for them was at best a Carnival Cruise.


4) Lace the realtor from Denver-She is clearly the breakout/only star of this show. I want to fly to Denver & have her show me a house I have no intention of buying just to meet her.  She looks like the love child of Parker Posey & Sarah Silverman with the determination & hunger of a lion. She has more personalities than any of the other women in the house combined. I don't know what I love more from this goddess-from her tricking him into closing his eyes so she could kiss him without his consent or her dress that reminded me of Helen's dress from "Bridesmaids"


To her reprimanding him for not giving her enough eye contact during the rose ceremony. Most girls lie & pretend not to be crazy in order to trick a guy into falling in love with them and then let their true crazy out, she does it in opposite order and it worked! Ben didn't even take back the rose he had just given to her, he apologized. Further proof men really do like the dominatrix thing.All of the women drink the Kool Aid or in this case champagne and all confess their love for Mr.Melba toast, who individually they've spent maybe 8 minutes with. I have second hand embarrassment for everyone involved but will be watching this entire season for Lace who I'm currently trying to find which real estate office she works for so I can send her not just one rose but a full bouquet because that's what this queen deserves.